This is a very well-written, practical list! Thanks for sharing your secrets! The edit button thing is a stirch- don't think I'd actually click it just to get viewed, but I'm real tempted!
You have some really fine images in this poem- a real celebration of nature at its finest. I found the use of colored text very distracting, though- this poem doesn't need such a gimick.
Exquisite! Your use of language captures a bit of the mystery of elven relation with the earth.
My favorite lines:
We see forests, our home
Humans see woods, trees alone
I think I would split it into a second stanza after those lines, though. I assume "brothers with the oak..." is refering to elf, not man, but its placement right after those lines makes it sound like you're talking about man. Or did I get it wrong????
What fun! This surprised me- when I saw your title, I thought it would be one of those hectic, bickering, materialistic sort of parodies. What a delightful surprise to find a piece about families having fun with each other despite their differences! Guess I should be less cynical about our culture :)
This is an amazing poem- you have captured so clearly & simply our fickle hearts that simply respond to happenstance as if it's destiny. This should be required reading for all our teens, engaged couples, passed out to every marriage counsellor... for anyone dabbling in romace & the heart.
As poetry, it's fine work. I like the short stanzas & repetitive pattern with each stanza's closing line. I would suggest, however, leaving out the "but" at the beginning of the last line. Keep closer to the original form af the final lines.
I like the stark simplicity of this- all of us have experienced this kind of depression at some point.
This poem feels like it should rhyme- especially with the word today. Try inserting a line rhyming with today after the line "just want to sleep". Then make the last line rhyme with shame. The trick, of course, will be to do it without forcing or straining this fine little piece. :)
The story has potential, in a slap-happy sort of way. I'd like to see you add a creative twist or two to the old story (beyond the very end, when the princess has the prince arrested). Make this story your own- take command of the plot. I'm afraid that the many many grammatical errors drag it down.
Enjoyable poem. I liked your AAB rhyme scheme. The poem was a tad prosey for my tastes- I'd like to see the sentences less complete to create more word pictures than discourse. But then that'd probably screw up the neat rhyme scheme...
Such rich metaphors! This turns a question into art. I know it isn't important, but you even used the right forms of whose/who's! Incredible! I'm glad you left the question unanswered- most of the important questions remain that way...
What a magnificent piece! Well-crafted, full of light-hearted humor, and spilling out the love of two individuals finding a common way!
I especially liked the repetition of "I am considerate...I let her sleep." It was a very effective way to tie the piece together.
You and your wife are blessed. In our home we are not so civilized with socks- they are monsters that haunt our days and multiply in corners while we search in vain. There is no logic in the placement of socks in our home. Their ways are a mystery, and they turn us into snarling animals toward each other.
This poem uses repetition of sounds without rhyming (moon/new, bright/slice), subtle alliteration ( s-words throughout, plus the more obvious m's) & even a "visual rhyme" for the unrhymable word silver (silver-twilight: see how the v & w visually mirror each other, with the shared short i?) to create a delightful verbal painting. Wonderful!
THIS is a masterpiece! I love the question format, rich language, the introspection it triggers. This is everything a poem should be! One of your very best! May I have your permission to copy it for my notebook?
Fine work- I really like the way you take a cliche (the game of life) and give the image new life.
A few quibbles, though- stains is plural so needs a plural verb- the line should read:
"There are grass stains on my knees"
I question the repetition of the word check in lines 6 & 8. Was that intentional? To emphasise that word, you contradict what you say at the end about getting ahead. What are you really trying to say with this metaphor?
Wish I had something profound to say. Your poetry is hard to review- too good to say anything more helpful than "this is REALLY good". The pathos is a blanket that wraps your reader.
You have a real gift- to capture deep meaning in a single clear moment described in strong, unembellished phrases. "Mixing words with flavor to enhance the book I read"- What a great image!
Someone buy this poet an upgrade so we can see more!!!!!
I LOVE this poem!!!! Your metaphor is perfect for times of meloncholy reminiscence. The image captures the sense of separation from sorrow that one experiences when looking back- the sorrow isn't gone, but fogs our thoughts & blurs our new reality. May I make a copy of this for my notebook?
I like the click clack one best! Very nice use of the poetic form, thought-provoking without being heavy. Ah, the dreams of a writer.... Do add an apostrophe to make screens possessive. (Sorry for being nitpicky! Can you tell I'm a teacher????)
The dying at sea one works less well. The sentences are too complete for my tastes, too prosy for the form.
I REALLY like the kernal of this poem: rich language, compelling phrases, great metaphors... It has all that I love in a poem.
The richness gets muddied, though, by so many superfluous,lifeless words bogging the powerful language down: have been, are, a/an, the, who...
Don't be afraid to play with the grammar, to leave the unecessary parts of sentences left unsaid. Fragments are fine in such a poem- don't feel bound to complete every sentence in neat subjects & verbs, or specify every article & helping verb. The kernal sings. Let it go solo...
Very fine defense- direct, well-crafted, full of the intensity of indignation demanded in the face of lack of respect!
You & I live in opposite universes (I'm one of those women "married with children grabbing at her feet, breeze amongst her skirts", very attached to the "sweet...totality of faith"), but I suspect we both have found our sense of worthiness despite our divergent walks! I get just such abuse from those who think I am "wasting" my life & education on being "just a housewife". Isn't funny how easy it is to throw manure across the fence, not noticing where it originated???
Wonderful use of imagery! You took me right into the house with you; your words made concrete the emotion you built! The poem scans as if it is rhymed, even though it's free verse.
One quibble: the rhythm of the last line jars. Too long? Emphasized syllables in the wrong places? Rework it (probably will require changes to the previous line, too, in order to keep the meaning).
Very intensely controlled emotion, in such simple effective words. You capture the depth of childlike wisdom in the face of adult stupidity. Should be required reading at every divorce hearing, as far as I'm concrned. Very fine writing!
I have to ask (I'm humbled by the way people can do this out of imagined emotion- I sure can't!)-
is this based on personal experience?
I give few 5's. This one deserves it! This is such an intense metaphor- your choice of words absolutely captures the acrid burning of... bitterness? unforgiveness? betrayal?
This is a poem that will grip all of us who carry a "stew of troubled thoughts", no matter what the catalyst.
I'm going to be watching this port, & expecting it to grow (hint, hint). You have a gift.
Your language/images are strong. At first I wasn't sure I liked the repetition of "strange" in the first line. Upon rereading, I decided it worked brilliantly.
Oh, and by the way- in browsing your portfolio I was bugged by the way you put yourself down in your descriptions. You have a gift. Accept it!
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