Delightful, playful use of almost-rhyme, very short, uncluttered lines, evocative images.
I didn't care for the last stanza, though. For one, the lines were longer, which broke the rhythm of the rest of the poem. More importantly, it was... well, too obvious. No, that's not really what I mean. I guess I'm trying to say that the last stanza sort of interprets the rest of the poem- tells us bluntly what the imagery meant; that's redundant (the rest of the poem paints your message clearly in quick,clean strokes, like Japanese brushwork). It's a bit insulting to your readers. We get it.
I like your idea of touching on the crucifixion through the eyes of one of the roman soldiers. Unfortunately, the poem lacks any sense of an eyewitness account- none of the emotional impact one would expect, especially in a dream state. Typically our inhibitions and self-delusions fall away in dream, allowing our deepest thoughts & fears to emerge in odd juxtapositions. This poem is simply too tightly controlled, and, well... predictable to be believable as a dream.
It could use more concrete visual imagery, so that the reader's emotions can be drawn into the message.Your first line, the strongest in the poem, is an example of what I mean. Continue using such emotionally evocative images.
Avoid religious platitudes- this is a very old, very familiar theme; it will take creative treatment to keep it alive. You may also consider trying free verse for this idea- the rhyme feels forced & sing-songy here.
Nice little piece. I like the short, uncluttered lines. Rhyme scheme works nice & natural.
So often harshness in our world proves to be "heaven's gate", as you so creatively express here. Sometimes I wish I could learn the lessons He has for me from the happy times, but it's the trials that bear the greatest fruit spiritually.
My only critique is that I prefer that pronouns relating to God to be capitalized ("he'd": 2nd line of the third stanza)- leaves no ambiguity about who you're talking about.
Yes, indeed, this works! In fact, I think it's one of your best. The sparseness of line helped (some of your poems get bogged down in too long lines, too many words)- you manage to distill so much into clean, uncluttered images that speak directly to your reader's emotion.
I found your article of interest, as I am one of those poets who experienced the thrill of receiving accolades from Poetry.com. I'm glad you addressed the issue on this site, as I'm sure there are many of us aspiring poets who have been suckered in by their glossy, professional looking mailings. You stated your concerns clearly, though the essay suffered toward the end when you began to ramble without organizing your thoughts into paragraphs. I appreciated the link at the end to the convention testamonial- very eye-opening! It should be required reading for anyone who receives an invitation to their convention! I HOPE you are cancelling your plans to go to the thing???!!?
I, too, have received various awards from these people, though I was skeptical from the start, never buying any of the analogies containing my "winning" poem (my daughter got suckered by another organization- her "anthology", which cost $25- what we received was a photocopied packet of typo-ridden pages, stapled together). I decided to see just how far my poem would go if I didn't pay a cent. They DID send me an invoice thanking me for my order after I sent the artist proof copy in, but I sent that invoice back with a written note correcting it.
Poets & Writers magazine had a good article on Poetry.com a couple months ago. The biggest criticism (other than all the money being suckered out of so many beginning poets) is that Poetry.com misleads people into thinking their mediocre or bad poetry is good, since just about everyone "wins" no matter what they enter.
This little piece works well. You keep it light and... well, surface, fitting to the theme of the poem, hidden depths. The simple, consistant rhyme/meter helps that illusion.
I say illusion because you hint at mystery below the surface, wrapped up in the repeated word "complicated". If I could give you an assignment, it would be to write another very different poem on the same subject,revealing the depths & detail of that complicated. Metaphor and symbolism can help express very personal truths while maintaining a bit of our privacy (or even shielding us from the full weight of what we do not want to face- I'd have to face the demons inside,
And emotions that are true)
This is a really fascinating poll. I couldn't vote, though, because you didn't include MY main reason for not reviewing a bad piece (or, more oftem, mediocre piece): I often can't think of a way it could be turned into a good poem, even if it has a good element or two. I guess that's similar to the "it would take too much effort..." option, but that didn't do it for me. I often will make the effort on a poet that shows promise veiled in a poor piece.
Some poems aren't worth re-working. That's a comment, though, that would not be constructive to anyone.
Very rich, strong images! Your use of simile enriches this poem. The free verse form worked perfectly for this- I liked the variety in your line length, too, and the way you chose your line breaks. Very fine!
The ending was a bit ubrupt. You did such a fine job putting your readers into a first-person experience of this disaster- I'd like to feel more connected at the end.
Your images are very intense- very descriptive. I can see clearly the world you are describing.
That said, I was hoping for more than mere description. Give us a glimpse into the heart/soul of your weary traveller. Why is this place special to him/her? What is he/she looking for? Could you throw in a bit of metaphor?
I also suggest you split some of those long, long lines. It would help the visual flow for your reader.
This is beautiful- it draws the soul out of heaviness and into peace. You capture the character of Faramir well here- this is the Faramir that Tolkien rendered in his books (not like Peter Jackson's slaughtering of the character in the movies!)
I need to explain, for the sake of those reading this public review, that Claire sent her poem to me for private review, fearing to actually post it because She felt it wasn't good enoug. I am so proud of her for getting the courage to post her lovely piece. You can see that it is truly a finely crafted poem (better than many in my portfolio!). I'd like to see lots of you encourage her to post more!
The following was my original review. Claire made changes to the piece before she posted it, making a great poem even better!
************************************************
I did a quick read-through of your poem last night, amid a million disruptions
from my kids. Then I savored two long slow reads of it in the early morning
stillness today before everyone woke up. I'm REALLY sorry this isn't in your
portfolio yet- I'd prefer to make these comments public. It would give you
exposure on the site, and open you to a lot of good feedback from others.
Besides, the good folks in Lothlorien Forum will LOVE this! POST IT
NOW!!!! (I want to put a link to it in my Favorite Tolkien-themed
Writing folder!)
You have a masterpiece here. I would rate it 4.5. (I have raised my rating to 5.0 because of the subsequent changes.) It is word-rich in
Tolkienesqe style, full of poetic craft, like the alliteration in treacherous
tool of tyranny or sends soulless servants searching. It reminds me
of the high ballad style Tolkien used, such as Bilbo heard at Rivendell-
majestic & many-layered, but without the emotionality of some of the more
personal poems.
I liked that you stripped the grammar of most unecessary words, leaving the
core of meaning to stand starkly. There are still a few lines that could be
cleaned up- like
The treacherous tool of tyranny is sundered= drop The & is
and the burden is borne to the end of the darkest road= burden borne to
end of darkest road
I felt the poem ended too abruptly in the last stanza. The rest of the poem is
a sweeping commentary on the general history of the war of the Ring; then you
jump from the Black Gate to the Grey Havens in one quick stanza. It could use
a few more stanzas detailing the losses & gains of an ending age & the
beginning of a new one. (She added the finalstanza, which gives the closure the poem needed. Great!)
Also- get a new title. When I get stuck for a title, I often pull a pivotal
line or theme from the poem itself. How about "Legacy"? Use the current title
for your brief description of the poem, when you post it (*hint* *hint*). (She had originally called it "My Thoughts on the One Ring". I like this much better!)
Not to belabor the point, but methinks it is time you post this AND
MORE. Such work doesn't come out of a vacuum- I'm SURE this is not your
first poetic attempt. Consider what you post as a "work in progress" (many
people on this site label their work as such), if you are not completely happy
with them as they are right now. Then bask & grow in the feedback. You will
be an inspiration to many aspiring writers.
This is an incredibly complicated, layered poem- strong, strong images saying... what? I think most of it went over my head, and yet... I am intrigued. I want to understand this, because I love the way the words sing and the images wrap around the deeper parts of my consciousness.
I think free verse suits your style very well. I hope you do more.
I like the final stanza best- is it describing the conception of a soul? That's what it says to me.
This is a light-hearted, well-written little piece- the rhyme works well & the phrases are distilled to the essence of meaning. I like how there are no superfluous words here. I felt the ending was a bit too "cute" to fit the rest of the poem, though. I think perhaps the drug didn't need naming.
Very cute! I was expecting a tragic ending (thought the line "Oh, why couldn’t they save just one?" was referring to Grannie, lost in the fire.) Thanks for making this old pessimist smile !
Sorry, but I don't agree with you. This is not a "dreadfull piece of writing"- it is beautifully done, in a difficult poetic form. If only I could have written like this when I was fourteen! You used some strong phrases, and didn't lose the message in bondage to the rhyme/meter.
My only suggestions for improvement:
1) Give it a different title.The poem is full of subtlety; match it in the title.
2) I suggest you change And yet, if now, you came upon me here,
And spoke with kindness for a little time,
to present tense (came to come, spoke to speak). It fits the context better- the rest feels like it takes place in the now.
By the way, I read in Lothlorien Forum that you are working on Tolkien-themed stuff. I can't WAIT!!!
Nice cameo of a moment in time. I like that this is so short- it is evocative of a lot of different feelings. Your readers could go so many different directions in their musings on it.
Fantastic metaphor- You manage to breathe new life into the rose-and-thorn image- not easy with such an over-used image! The rhyme scheme works well, too.
I like the line "In this fool-darkened heart". It is truly the fool who settles for "Immortal God exchanged for naught". Too often, I am that fool. I needed your little reminder...
You have outdone yourself in this heart-wrenching lament! This poem is absolutely faithful to the spirit of Tolkien's writing, full of richness of language worthy of the Master himself! The mingling of elvish with English makes this poem sing (thanks for the translation, though! I hate reading snippets of a language with no understanding of what it adds to the piece!)
You kept an old-world feel without the awkward grammar of your other Tolkien poem. This one is special!
This is very powerful! I like the subtle shift from description of terror into such a simple, heartfelt prayer. The shortsparse lines are perfect for capturing such a moment.
What a delightful rant against the nasty machines that we, alas, must wrestle with as we create. I met a poet recently who still (*gasp*) writes in ink in a notebook. Still, no one will look at a handwritten submission, so we must come back to the beast.
The variable rhyme & interior word play ("curse the curser"!) make this poem a delight to the ear. This one needs to be read aloud!
One minor critique:
Cursor running to my fingering
Now I see what it means to thee
These lines break the rhythm- too many syllables! I'd change "to my fingering" to "from my fingers". Then drop the word now in the next line.
Amazing use of so many images- you really packed an awful lot in these few lines.
I liked the repetition of "Imrahil, Gandalf, thrain Peregrin, and Gimli, Gloin’s son". The rythm & flow of that line works well- I wish you had repeated the line more.Of course, the focus of the poem was on none of these, but on Aragorn, which makes me wonder why you chose that line for your only repetition.
You did an exceptional job of capturing the style of high narrative that fits Tolkien's style, though your grammar was a bit more forced & awkward than his.
While your knowledge of Tolkien is obvious, I think you dragged this poem down as a poem by putting too much information in it. Yes, the master himself gave his characters many different names (thus to the confusion of some), but each name had its own context. At the the Black Gate, Aragorn was simply Aragorn, the heir of Isildur- the other titles had been left behind, with some not yet bestowed on him. To use more than one name for a character in the same stanza is a bit extreme
Example: Aragorn/Estel (not to mention each other stanza using a different name for him: Elessar, Elfstone, Dunadain)
Still, you have a fine effort here! I'd like to see you take on a lament by Arwen, after Aragorn passes away, or a sea-song about Legolas & Gimli as they leave middle earth for the West.
This is an exceptional description- you paint a vivid picture!The ending is especially strong!It adds a philosophical twist to the pure descriptive quality of the rest of the piece.
That said, I'd like to see you play with this a bit to make it less prosey & more poetic. Cut each sentence to its essence- this is your chance to flaunt grammatical convention. You don't HAVE to use complete sentences to get your point across!
An example:
They are covered with
almost
invisible hair
could easily be improved by dropping the lifeless pronoun and to-be form of verb:
covered with
almost invisible hair.
Such changes wouldn't involve changing your delightful images, just cleaning out the clutter.
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