This is a sad and poignant story. You have painted a vivid picture of when the girl first hears and sees her mother in her angry and miserable state. Also, the girl as she trys to understand and somehow come to grips with what has happened.
Your description of your favorite place reminds us all of the favorite, safe places we had at certain times of our lives.
I think you can make this an excellant story by editing it.
spelling:threw not through when she throws the phone.
possibly change the first sentence you say" It was the day I turned 16 and the day was sticky. Maybe you could add it to the next sentence. EX:My walk home seemed longer because of the heat and the excitement
of where we were going when I arrived home. {Just a suggestion}
One more After the girl decides to call her father and has taken her phone from her purse and decided not to call him, I would have her slide the phone back in her purse{make the decisio not to but sounds better than "shoved back in"
Your story is beautiful and so well written.
The only thought I could mention was,I wonder if you meant gray haired man where you have grayed man in the second sentence.
Lovely, just a beautiful poem.
I've read it over two or three times and I think every word fits perfectly.
I found out on Friday that a close friend of mine of 50 years had died and in reading this poem my heart went back to the days of our childhood and all she has meant to me thru the ages.
We talked on the phone even though we were miles apart and as you have so aptly put it each day "we'll be together in the garden of my mind."
Thank you. Maretta
I think this is a beautiful piece of work you have written about your loved one.
I know everyword is true because I have been in exactly the same place , losing my husband 14 years ago and my oldest son about a year and a half ago.
I am not a poet and do not know all the rules but I know your poem is from the heart and that is what writing is all about. God bless.
I liked this poll. Was interested to find out what other people like. I chose New York because it is my kind of city. I love the people, my son is an actor, my middle son a director and I have always been around them in one sense or another, I love all kinds of people. Ilove to eat at all the different ethnic restaurants, love the churches, unique bookstores besides the regular ones, love Christmas there or a lovely spring day. It has it's bad points as every other place but somehow I always feel NY is my city.
Kudos to you on a well written piece. I too love a garden but because I have many allergies I cannot enjoy it. I do understand it though as my daughter-in-law has your same symptoms and is already mapping her "plots" out. I certainly love her first daffodills,roses, sweet williams etc. Not to mention the vegtables that appear on my table. And of course this brings me back to my Ella's garden. It was a beautiful, almost a sacred place and well worth the sniffles and sneezes.
I return the complement to you of having a fine command of the Englih language.
Your wonderfully humorous piece has made me laugh. For it is so true that what we write is our creation and everyone knows how a parent will fight for their child.
I think for this reason it isvery hard for me to give harsh criticism. Altho- I do try to point out what need to be addressed.
With me it's more the content of the piece. Just to know that someone is trying to express their feelings is a high. I'm not a Pollyanna but I've even been known to read the cereal box.{but not rate it!}
From now on I'll try to take "you forgot your comma with more grace."
I like this piece. It really defines time. It is well thought out.
I especially like the part where you write "we as humans can't detain it, we must use it so when it passes we have the memories that is the essence of our humanity."
Stop by and read something from my port. I haven't been around that long
I just had to go back and read another piece of your work after reading the first chapter of the autobiography and I'm so glad I did.
In this pece I see you trying, I see you wanting to be in the light, wanting to have a life.
You express yourself so well. I love your waiting room scene.
But I have something to tell you.I think God is so much more a loving person than people want us to know. I'm quite sure He knew you needed to have something to eat when you stole the Bounty. I consider myself a Christian but I don'T go to church very often. I used to attend regularly but my circumstances don't allow it now and I can feel just as close to God right where I am. Sometimes more so.
I loved your observation about "Can God help you lose weight? If you want it badly enough I suppose He can, but He just doesn't wave the magic wand and poof 40 lbs. are gone. It's like anything else ,
work with him and it's a possibility. If it was that easy, I would still have my 26" waist.
You have a great eye for detail. I'll be back to look at your work. Stop over and look at mine. I'd be happy to have a comment.
I have read the intro to your biography over twice and it is so sad. You really give no details of what in life has happened to you, but one can imagine.
Your descriptions of how you feel and of the scenary you are running through are haunting. I want to know about the people you have loved and lost.I want you to find hope and a new life. You are writing so I hope this is happening for you.
Please keep writing, it can be a great catharsis and even a better friend. God Bless.
How much you put into such a few words. No matter, the story is all there. You can hear the loneliness, the frustration and the love.
I love to write flash fiction but don't think I could manage it in so few words. Marvelous!
Quite a lovely poem. The sentiments rings so true.
I am not a poet, as I often say, but it has moved me deeply, for I know too how to smiling thru tears.
I think people will always think back to where they were or what they were doing when the planes hit the trade center. Part of my family lived right across the water in Brooklyn Heights and we were terrified until they could finally reach us.
However, I do think you are right in saying we must move on and celebrate the courage of the people who gave their lives helping the people, of the people who died there and of their families who survived to carry on. Part of my own family stil live in Brooklyn Heights and continue their lives, not forgetting, but not changing their lives either because of a threat. Thought provoking, wonder how other people feel about it.
Beautiful poem,He really did so much it seems for all of us, Yet when I see those terrible piictures of war, and especially the poor starving children I wonder why this can be?
Yet when I think about it I wonder about everyones destiny and the parts we play in this life. I pray we each can stand up to the things He can and will ask us to do and pray I have the faith alwaysin remembering what He did for us. Thank you and keep writing. God Bless. maretta
This is really a great premis for a story. Very interesting and kept me interested.
I do not claim to be a grammar specialist, have troubles of my own in punctuation, but in one sentence you say had,had and this just doesn't ring right with me. Give it another edit as it's a great story
Great story of being in the right place at the right time. HMN? co-incidence,Kismet or an Angel on your back!
Well written. I will look at The Story Starter.com. Of course your willingness to face each opportunity
that came along was a big plus and can inspire us all to try it out.
Image1217276
I am interested in joining the WDC Angel Army.
Sherry B. told me about it after reviewing one of my stories and I think I would enjoy being involved.
Thank You,
Maretta
Bravo! Lovely! and what I believe. How I wish I could have put my feelings into your lovely words. I so wish I was poetically bent.
I had just taken the poll on if we believe there are Christians on other planets and felt I had to read a piece of your work.Very glad I did.
Please stop over and view a piece of my work. I would appreciate it. Thanks. Maretta
Learning this lesson is I think is the one we are supposed to learn from this life. I cannot say why that is but I know from experience that somehow from the pain of illness or losing someone we love it makes it possible for us to accept others without our all seeing judgement, to find happiness in a book. a flower, a smile from a stranger as our eyes meet. So much more.
Thoughtful piece of writing.
A lovely exercise in settings as you have named it. Although, my memories are somewhat different there are so many like ones that it warmed my heart. Especially "the God bowling in Heaven" and of how we hated to go in at night.
This piece has made me want to write something similar.
Please stop over at my site and read something of mine, for some reason I feel we are kindred spirits in writing. Thanks, Maretta
Wow! there must be some real unhappy women out there.
Of course, I have had times in my life when I was discontented but I had fun as a child and young woman.
Loved being married and bringing up my five children.
Now I am a widow and sometimes lonesome and do miss that "busyness" but still there are grandchildren sometimes, books, music and memories.
I don't think we can ever go back and of course that makes me sad. But who knows maybe there is something better to come. God Bless.
Lovely story. I pray that is what happens as we close one door and open to a new life.
I do believe it is so and I compliment you in presenting the feelings of the person in the locked room and the wonderful release felt when the click unlocked the door to the light.
Please stop and look at somet of my work. The last piece I entered does not seem to catch any notice so I am thinking of taking it off.
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