Leaving one's homeland to find their dreams somewhere else is a scenario that has been played out time and time again. I'm interested in seeing what kind of a spin you put on this. Your piece has potential to shape into something worthwhile. There were a couple of things that were off a bit. The first is the word "mystrical". Did you mean "mystical"? The other is this part, "But each of one of us know how to hope and dream, this is our problem, we dream and hope so much for the better, we sacrifice our deepest desires for a better outcome." It is too long of a statement. it would be served better to break it up into three separate parts. My suggestion would be "But each of us know how to cope and dream. This is our problem. We dream and hope so much for the better that we sacrifice our deepest desires for a better outcome". This is simply my opinion, please take it as such. Keep up the positive direction and write on!
This piece is definitely a reminder that many children suffer from the same feelings that this portrays. Your words showing the thoughts that fill this child's head let the reader feel the mental pain that she is dealing with. The piece has nice flow and structure and is kept short and to the point. It has a sad, cold feel to it. Children often think that their parents have something against them. In some cases they may be right. As unfortunate as that sounds, for some it is reality. Thank you for sharing this piece. You did a good job with it. Keep up the positive direction and write on!
This reads like a how-to guide. It is simple but manages to stay on course. Some of your described techniques have a good chance of working, but I'm sure most(notice I said most not all) men are thinking about dessert before you even get to the restaurant. I do like your way of thinking though. This would make a nice prelude to a longer story. You should try to incorporate that somehow. Keep up the positive direction and write on!
Very creative. I do not know much about poetry and its different forms but I think you did a fine job with this piece. It was short and to the point and your word usage was just right for the message you were trying to convey. Your piece has a serious tone to it but does not come across as being dark, at least not to me. Keep up the good work and positive direction. Write on!
This piece has potential to be really good. It has humorous elements and scenarios that I'm sure many of us have found ourselves in. I've been on long road trips before and was reminded of just how unpleasant they can be.The issues I have with this piece are both grammatical and overall structure. The piece does not have as smooth a flow as it could. The phrase "As it turns out walking 3 miles with twin brother and a wiener dog who seems determined to leap over the side of the grand canyon. is incomplete by itself. I'm assuming you meant this statement to be what was more irritating than the 3 mile walk with your brother and the dog. There are a few instances of starting a sentence with a lowercase letter that can easily be corrected. One such example would be "thats when it got interesting.".
This part, "Today he decided to lick Seth. and then sit on his face." would be better by eliminating the period after Seth. The word "cant" from "Dogs cant fly" should be "can't".
You can remove the comma from "We stopped at a truck stop to let banana out to “do his thing”, figuring he'd probably just hop out and than back in."
It would take just a few tweaks to really improve this piece. As stated before, it has potential to reach a higher level of quality. I hope you find my opinions to be helpful. Remember they are just that, my opinions. Please take them as such. Continue the positive progress and write on!
I'm new to poetry so I won't be commenting on the technicalities of your piece but I will offer my opinion of it.
You have a done a fine job conveying the feelings you have for the person you wrote this for. Your words ring with heartfelt sincerity and are full of warm, positive emotion. Love can be such a wonderful feeling when it is true and deep. The piece is short and to the point which works for this particular instance. On some occasions even words of love can become watered down if you go on for too long. This looks like the perfect length and you managed to bring out the feeling in your soul without overdoing it. Nicely done. Good luck with this piece and any future writings.
this is a touching piece filled with emotion and the love you felt for your mother. Losing her early in your life is a tough pill to swallow. As life has progressed you deal with situations and feelings that only a mother, no one else, could possibly make better. There is no connection stronger than the one between mother and child. Not Dad, not husband or wife, not brother or sister, the list goes on. The only flaws I found were very minor. In my honest opinion, I think you should remove the word "still" from the phrase "if only you were still here." The phrase works better without it and stays true to the title of your piece. The other would be changing "women" to "woman", a minor typo. Those are two very small issues but are easily correctable. This is simply my opinion, please take it for what you will. Keep up the great work and positive direction. Write on! Peace.
This is a solid piece. You have captured the emotions of the moment very well and your words are simple yet powerful. Loss and loneliness have been felt by many at one time or another. Some are better at handling it than others. The individual in this piece is suffering emotionally and seeks to cure the pain in an extreme manner. You did a great job. Keep up the wonderful work and write on!
Quite poignant. Your emotions come through in this piece. Having a distant relationship with a parent can be mentally tiring. To lose a father without so much as a word from him is a feeling that no one should have to go through. Your piece is short, to the point and allows the reader to get a sense of the pain that is felt. You did a great job with it. Continue the positive direction and write on!
Love is indeed a two sided sword. It is often intertwined with another emotion, rarely standing on its own. It's amazing how one emotion can make you feel so many different ways. You can go from feeling jolly to melancholy all because of love. Love can make people do some crazy things and it can help them do something incredible as well. Your piece shows that love can be one hell of a roller coaster or as smooth as a slide. One thing is for sure, without love the world would be a dysphoric place.
The flow of your piece is a bit off but not so much as to be hard to read. Your word usage is adequate and emotional. Nice job. Keep up the positive direction. Write on!
Lighting up the world one small flame at a time. I think you did a fine job with this. Your line placements are a bit out of whack but everything keeps together despite that. You make great use of your words. They are descriptive and colorful. You show that the world can be a brighter place if we all come together to share our inner flames. Nice job! Keep it up and write on!
You have a well written piece here. You present your views in such a way that they don't come across as preachy. Religion can often be a touchy subject with a lot of people. Your piece flows well and has a nice steady rhythm that makes for an easy and enjoyable read. The world is filled with many differing views on who or what watches over us as we drift through this Earthly realm. You did a fine job expressing yours without breaking into a full blown fire and brimstone speech. Keep up the great work and always reach for the top.
War is an evil that will continue to plague this world until only the dust is left. You presented your thoughts well with this piece. I won't comment on the technicalities of your poem because I am very green in the world of poetry and do not possess the proper knowledge to do so. What I can do is state that your feelings and emotions come out in this piece and set a serious tone throughout. You did a good job with it. Keep up the nice work and positive direction. Write on!
An interesting portrayal of how night and day came to be. I like how the words "lighten' and "darken" have been transformed into representing two halves of a god-like entity. Very creative. I noticed a couple of small grammatical errors. The first instance was in this part: "This god was the one person who kept the world in twilight His name, was Enset the Twilight." I think a period would fit better between the word "twilight" and "His". The second was a misspelling of "twilight" here: ......no longer be able to keep the world in it's twilit state. You have "twilit" instead. I am not a grammar expert but I did find those two. I hope my suggestion helps. I look forward to see how Sonic will fit into all of this. I remember playing the game long ago when it first came out.
Keep up the good work and write on!
A mother's love for her daughter shines through with this piece. You present a fun, short read very nicely. Your words were simple and to the point. I am new to the world of poetry and though I can't really comment on the technical side of things, I can offer my opinion. I think you did a great job with this piece. Your positive emotions set a warm tone. Keep up the great work!
A fun poem to read. You keep your words simple yet they are very effective and descriptive. I have enjoyed reading poems lately. I'm new to the whole world of poetry and am learning a bit more each day. Your piece has a nice, steady flow to it and has a feel good tone. You did a great job. Keep it up and write on!
A well thought out poem. I'm new to poetry so I can't really get into the technical aspects but I can say that your piece was fun and colorful to read. It was simple but to the point. Love can be a wonderful thing when everything clicks just right between two individuals. Keep up the good work and write on!
Sometimes modern technology isn't a good thing. There are just some things a machine can't replace a human for.
Your story was amusing. I pictured the old man getting frustrated and ready to throw something at his new robotic butler.
The piece had fairly good flow but a few grammatical issues. My suggestions are below.
First: This sentence- "Mr Hebert Bigley, aged 80,(comma added)with a son who was always up to date with the most technical machinery of the time,(comma added) had recently lost his wife."
Second: This sentence-"His son, Tom,(remove the commas)thought that by getting his dad this robot it would make his life so much easier.As It could do the things for his dad that his mom used to do around the house.
Third: the word "adamanent" should be "adamant".
Fourth: "“I’m hungry,” Herbert said,(comma added)looking at the robot with a really adamanent look on his face,. He was sure to try and work out this piece of machinery that Tom had given him.(period inserted) After all,(comma added)he was not a silly man was he?(changed to a question mark) At the age of 80 andhe had YEARS of experience as a mechanic.
Fifth: "Herb knew that it was easy to be able to work this mechanical thing but he still could not work it out and stared at thisitpiece of machinery as if it was something that was created by another galaxy!
Sixth: “I want to eat!” he yelled, staring at it flabbergasted. How is it that Tom could work these things SO easily and yet he couldn’t get it to just give him something to eat.? He could hear the rumble of his stomach and looked sadly at the fridge knowing that if he had to go get something himself it would be hard for him to get up.
Seventh: "prompty" should be "promptly"
Eighth: "He was not being used to being made to go to the toilet as if he was three!"
I hope these suggestions help. This was a nice story, it just needs a little refining. Keep up the good job and the positive direction. Write on!
This is very nicely written. You utilize your words well overall but I think the very last line could use a very minor tweak. The rhythm of the last line is just a shade off. I think removing the "a" and changing "reason" to "reasons" would help. This is merely my opinion of course. There should be a comma in the first line of the third stanza after the word "forget".
These are two small issues that can easily be corrected. The subject matter is familiar to a lot of people that have been affected by war. Your piece is filled with emotion and lets the reader know how you feel. You did a great job. I enjoyed reading the piece. Keep up the great work and continue the positive direction. Write on!
A nicely written poem about relying on your imagination and inner thoughts to get through the day. Your rhyming scheme works well and good use of a refrain at the end to tie it all up. I am new to poetry so I can't offer much on the technical aspects of your piece. I thought your word usage was simple and to the point. Complexity is not always needed. The piece flowed well and was easy to understand. A job well done . Keep up the good work and write on!
I don't think I'll ever look at chocolate quite the same again. Chocolate is near and dear to me. Your descriptions of the various tastes and textures were vivid. Personally I just eat the chocolates, never really thinking much about it . The part I liked the best was her eating the chocolate piece containing the peppermint and then frantically trying to rid her mouth of the intense flavor. I was picturing the bodily gestures she must have been making, and probably a few words that may have been crossing her mind. It was very amusing. You have a great way with words. It reminded me of the first time I tried a cinnamon Altoid. The only difference is I spit that out after my mouth lit up from the intensity of the cinnamon. I had no desire to finish it.
Keep up the great work! I'd like to see more pieces like this one. Have a great day and write on!
An interesting scenario of becoming so consumed with video games that you now find yourself on the other side of reality. Word usage is adequate and your story is a simple one, nothing overly complex. It definitely makes the readers think that putting the controller down from time to time to allow your mind to embrace the real world is a good thing. Overall it's a step in the right direction. A few tweaks, maybe an extension and this would be even better. Best of luck. Continue in your positive direction and write on!
This is very good. I have always liked reading about mystical and magical creatures. Swords, sorcery and all that encompasses the fantasy realm attract my reading. This piece flows nicely and paints a vivid mental picture. I enjoyed it and look forward to reading more. Keep up the great work and write on!
This is a great contest/raffle for an even better cause. I have been helped out by RAOK and enjoying giving back. Thanks for the great opportunity at some really great prizes.
This is put together very well. It was easy to follow and you spaced it very nicely. Your use of pictures was as it should be. You kept them small so that they added just enough and did not detract from the piece.
Your information was straight, to the point, and well thought out. A very good job indeed. I look forward to reading more of your work. Write On!
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. Keep up the good work and write on! 
. The part I liked the best was her eating the chocolate piece containing the peppermint and then frantically trying to rid her mouth of the intense flavor. I was picturing the bodily gestures she must have been making, and probably a few words that may have been crossing her mind. It was very amusing. You have a great way with words. It reminded me of the first time I tried a cinnamon Altoid. The only difference is I spit that out after my mouth lit up from the intensity of the cinnamon. I had no desire to finish it.