Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest  (E) A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~ #1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]



Characters:

I like the warm camaraderie between the two characters - it comes across very well!

Maybe even more of the same? More description of their relationship, of each of them separately. How do they feel about the day? About being with each other?



Plot/Conflict/Pace:

Such nice, happy images! I can imagine walking around like that, enjoying the day, having a good time.

I might suggest breaking the huge paragraph up, create smaller paragraphs to make it easier to read, give the reader some space between ideas and images to absorb them before moving on to another thought. Also, while I love the idea of describing the colors, etc., it might perhaps be more effective to stay away from lists like "grey, brown and red." Describe more! What kind of brown? What kind of red? What is grey?



Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

Nothing grammar-wise stands out!

Many of the sentences are very short and choppy - perhaps consider combining sentences or trying more complex sentences.



First Impression Wow Factor:

I like the premise and the image - it's happy!

By breaking up the paragraph and working with the sentences, it will grab the reader even more.



My Overall Rating:


I enjoyed your creative story!


Morgan

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest  (E) A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~ #1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]



Characters:

EXCELLENT description at the beginning! I love all of the details, comparing him to the bench he is sitting on and his clothes and his appearance. The detail of the shoes, and how they are out of place, is a great addition. Wonderful line: "Passersby often pointed, stared at the poor old man without a life. Some people sat next to the man and read their morning paper as he gazed at the grass, completely oblivious to their presence. Although, in time this person would leave and the man would be alone once more." As is: "he was trying to slowly wither away."

I was slightly confused about the stranger. What is his purpose? Maybe he needs to have more (or less) of a role?



Plot/Conflict/Pace:

I love the pace at the beginning especially. I am always drawn to descriptions of characters like this, and I was able to envision this man exactly. Well done!! Also, I like the point of the story as seen through this one mysterious character.

Is there a reason for the break in the middle? Also, while I think there are many excellent points in the final paragraphs, they might need to be presented more subtly, maybe weave them into the story a little less abruptly. It seemed like a sudden break in the flow of the writing. Also, the stranger seemed a little bit unnecessary - perhaps include him more!



Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

Not many errors at all - nice attention to the mechanics!

I might suggest a different word for "olden" in "olden possessions." Also, this phrase is awkward: "old man dealt no words during this act of kindness." There are a few more like that - it might be a good idea to read the whole thing aloud to catch them.



First Impression Wow Factor:

It grabbed me right off the bat with the connection between the bench and the old man and continued to keep me reading with interest.

As I pointed out earlier, it breaks down towards the end. I would like to see the great things from the beginning carried all the way to the end!



My Overall Rating:


I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 7th of the month. The Judge will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!


Morgan

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest  (E) A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~ #1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]



Characters:

A very interesting character. I particularly like how you show her grief through playing the game she loved to play with her mother. That seems like a very real way for a girl of her age to deal with such a tragic loss.

I would have liked to have seen even more of her feelings and emotions, particularly at the moment when her dad tells her mother is killed. What is she thinking?



Plot/Conflict/Pace:

A sad, yet interesting story about how we deal with grief, especially at a young age. A very worthwhile subject for a story.

The insertion of the paragraph about her name, age, and love of coffee seems very abrupt - needs more of a transition. Maybe move the description of the coffee to the paragraph with the "Coffee Shop." Question: why aren't the other kids allowed to play "Coffee Shop"? I also wonder at the sentence "Even when I got to be 21 with my own job and home, I'd come back each morning to play Coffee Shop with Daddy." - is this healthy or unhealthy?



Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

While there are some problems as I note below, they can be easily fixed.

Some missing commas (for instance, "...today.” Daddy answered." - There should be a comma instead of a period after "today" before the identifiation of whom is speaking). In "...to be our bar and I picked..." there should be a comman after "bar" as it is a compound sentence.). Some verb changes (for instance, "that I wore in braids" should be "that I WEAR in braids.").




First Impression Wow Factor:

You made me identify with the character early, which drew me into the story. Nicely done!

There is a lot of potential here that I would love to see further developed as it is revised, especially with respect to the emotion of the little girl. I'd like to know more about what she is feeling. I would also like to know more about the ending!



My Overall Rating:


I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 7th of the month. The Judge will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!


Morgan