PatrickB's (pabernardy8) Reviews

PatrickB

Review Requests: OFF

675 Public Reviews Given

703 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

A review you purchase from me will always be proofread, thorough, and carefully considered. I try to strike a balance between encouragement and honesty. What you can expect from me is a discussion of what your piece said to me as I read it and strategies for what I thought could be improved. I also point out specifically any errors that I found in the piece (although if it is a repeating problem, I will explain this deficiency generally rather than try to fix each and every one). I always keep my reviews conversational and positive. I'm generous with praise, and I try to speak with confident authority in areas where I have some knowledge. I approach each review I do with the idea that the best way to help someone become a better writer is to model that behavior to the best of my ability. Reviews that contain multiple grammatical and/or spelling errors, present incomplete thoughts, or show a lack of effort do not send a good message to those receiving the reviews concerning my advice.

I'm good at...

Grammar, spelling, sentence and paragraph structure, vocabulary (word choice), characters, dialogue

Favorite Genres

Fantasy, Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller, Drama

Least Favorite Genres

Nothing really. I'll give anything a look.

Favorite Item Types

Short Stories, Flash Fiction, Poetry, Personal Narratives and Essays

Least Favorite Item Types

Nothing really. I'll give anything a look, from contests to group pages to forums to activity rules. If you want someone to take a look at your activity and give it a review, let me know! I'll try to locate inconsistencies in rules and guidelines.

I will not review...

The only items I will not review through this system are novel chapters. I would much rather trade services and make you review mine as I review yours. If you are interested in setting this up, feel free to email me.

26

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14 days may be credited.

#3929158

Review of Why I Write

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Greetings, GeminiGem survived GoT

Thank you for requesting a review of your short essay "Why I Write"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
When you informed me that you had written this short essay as a birthday present for your father's 90th birthday, I wanted to make sure I did the best I could helping you polish it. I think this is a very nice tribute to your parents and the affect they had on you throughout your life in instilling a love of writing. While brief, the piece does its job well of casting out a sentiment. This literally could go on into a memoir, I would imagine, but it seems as if you don't have that kind of time before you must deliver the present. Just know that if you wanted to expand this later, the way to go is with details, anecdotes, and organization. An essay does not have to be in chronological order, but it should have an organizational pattern that makes sense and flows topically. Overall, I am going to be very, very picky with my edits, because I think that's what you want me to do. After some grammatical fixes, I'll move into some reword suggestions that you might employ as you revise.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I think I found all of your grammatical hiccups. I pulled them all out for you here: ▼

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I was especially picky over your word-choice and offering you alternatives. There is a reason why I do not put these in the above section. It's because these are only suggestions and your choice whether or not you employ them. For the most part, this is pretty polished and reads very well; some of these are just little refinements I offer up for your consideration. If you need any clarifications on any of these suggestions, feel free to email me.

Suggested Reword: "As a young child I loved to be read to."

I personally never end a sentence with a preposition. I always try to reword the sentence to avoid it. This one is a little tougher, though. May I suggest: "I loved to be read to as a young child" or "As a young child, I loved for my parents to read to me." Either one of these are fine and avoid the end-preposition.

Suggested Reword: "The first step to becoming a writer is to become a reader."

I thought that this sentence might be better leading off the paragraph in which it appears. Right now, it ends the paragraph. Stick it at the beginning, and see if you agree.

Suggested Reword: "It is the simple truth that it is the nature of English teachers to correct improper grammar."

"It is the simple truth that English teachers must correct improper grammar." I reworded this sentence in order to eliminate one of the "it is" repetitions.

Suggested Reword: "Sometimes they learned to love my parents anyway, and remained my friends."

"Some of them learned to love my parents despite the corrections and remained my friends." I reworded this one to make it a little more clear and specific. Also, don't forget to remove the comma if you use the reword.

Suggested Reword: "I find that I am the only person in the field I currently work in that has a dictionary at their desk that is not a medical dictionary."

"I find that I am the only person at work that has a grammar reference at their desk and not a medical dictionary." This sentence was a little long, unclear, and repetitious with "dictionary" twice.

Suggested Reword: "...for a three and a half foot tall podium in my current living situation."

"...for a three-and-a-half-foot tall podium where I currently live."

In the sentence: "I discovered that some of my high school research papers had made it into Mom’s teaching curriculum," I think there needs to be a time modifier. For instance, I was confused as to when this was occurring to you. Were you in high school at the time, or was this after you had graduated? Maybe an adverb phrase opening this sentence would do the trick, like: "When I was in the 11th grade, I discovered..."

As you revise, look for places where you can add strong verbs, specific adjectives, and personal and/or quirky details that your dad will particularly enjoy reading. I would also love for you to include a paragraph that specifically describes one of these dinner-time dictionary checks. Do you remember a word you all looked up? A discussion you had? These are not necessary for your essay, but they would make it that much better.

PLAN OF ACTION:
This plan of action is my advice on what I would do to improve your essay in a set, particular order. Your are free to disregard this (or anything I say, of course). The Plan of Action I offer is only a strategy to follow if you feel you need one as you revise.

First, I would suggest going in and correcting the punctuation errors and pondering my other advice on the suggested rewords.

Second, consider my suggestions about a slight expansion to include an anecdote.

Third, you are encouraged to let me know after you revise, and I will have one last look at it before you get it ready to give to your dad.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

"In our home we had an unabridged Webster’s Dictionary. This was a massive tome with a hard cover and gold edging on the pages, like something you would expect to find in a library."

These are very good sentences that begin one of my favourite parts of your essay. The section about this dictionary and its position as a symbol in your home and childhood is the core of your work, in my opinion.

I think this is an incredible gift to give your dad. Are you going to print it out? Frame it? Bind it in some way? From what I know about your parents by reading your essay, I think your dad will be thrilled by this gift. I hope you have managed to keep it a surprise! Remember, if you want a final read-through, please don't hesitate to let me know through email when it's ready.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
Muse Masters Campfire Creative, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3927522

Review of Praise the Writer

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings, Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Praise the Writer" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
Reviewing poetry is not as easy as reviewing prose, and your poem displays this difficulty in a unique fashion. So, here I am to review your poem about how difficult it is to review poetry where the subject is a poetry reviewer having a conversation with a poet about a review of the poet's poem.

How about that sentence? This is like one of those Pink Floyd album

covers where there is a window or mirror and the same image is shown cascading into infinity. I love angles like this! The theme of your poem is conveyed nicely by the way in which the tones of each narrator changes as the poem moves along. The way I read this is that it's easy for the poet to remain conversational, agreeable, and friendly the more superificial the criticism. But the more the reviewer begins to poke and prod too close to home, the more defensive the poet gets. I think you have really discovered a truism in reviewing poetry, for poetry is much more personal and much less straightforward than a story or novel. The unique expression that the poet imagines when the poem is created considers much more than a typical set of guidelines on its effectiveness. It's more of a moment in time that has deeply personal antecedents and complex contextual factors that the reviewer may not be privy to. That's why it is always a tricky business reviewing a writer's poems, for these are the babies they protect the most. Overall, your format creates your theme, and I think it's very well executed.

SHOULD WE SUGGEST IMPROVEMENTS?:
I think that when we are pretty confident that a suggested reword or line rearrangement is for the betterment of the poem, we should say so. However, we should be quite a bit more delicate, making sure the poet knows that these are only our opinions. In poetry, there is very little that's black-and-white or right-and-wrong. Claiming a line in a poem is unclear or passive -- as we might in a line of prose -- assumes a great deal more, for poetry is much more ephemeral in meaning. If someone told me that one of my lines were unclear, my first thought would be: "Unclear to who? You? It makes perfect sense to me. Dig deeper or disregard." That doesn't mean the reviewer's ideas about my poem were wrong; it's just a knee-jerk reaction. Of course, we as reviewers can be much more critical with prose, because the line between what makes a good story and what makes a bad one is much more distinguished.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE:

"If you try to publish this, / surely, you'll be rejected. / Clearly, you are mistaken, / but what have I expected?"

You really nail something nice with this last bit. Here, you imply the reviewer's mantra: "If you don't like my opinion, why do you have your work up for review?" We can always rely on this to mount the moral high ground whenever an author is being particularly protective of his or her poetry.

I enjoyed venturing into your portfolio, Gaby! I hope to come calling again soon when I can find more time. Thank you for your skill in delivering this worthy theme. I'm always excited to see the art of criticism championed and a reviewer's right to criticize protected, especially in such a clever and creative way!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3927345

Review of Nobody Likes a Passive Sardine Sandwich

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings, ♥Hooves♥

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Nobody Likes a Passive Sardine Sandwich" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
I remember reading "Grab The Harpoon!"

way back when I was new to the site. Although I didn't remember specifics, I do remember that I liked it. I just went back and reread it, enjoying again the tongue-in-cheek way you delineate writing maxims with conversations between whales and sardine sandwiches. Well, this time I wanted to take a gander at the passive voice argument, for it has been coming up a lot lately in reviews I have received or read by others. One of the things that has always bothered me is the way some reviewers glom on to an idea or concept that they understand very well and then comb through your work looking for violations like a precocious 3rd Grade hall monitor: "Ahp, there's another one. Gotcha again. Oops, another. And there! You need to learn to write in the active voice more! Here, take a detention slip!" Just as you describe with sentence fragments, passive voice is one of those techniques that can be employed by writers who are good enough to do what they want. I do agree that passive voice, like -ly adverbs, is an amateur's claim to fame, but that doesn't mean all passive voice has no value or is wrong in and of itself. And for that matter, all -ly adverbs should not be eschewed either just for the sake of avoiding the hall monitor. That is why I most definitely enjoyed your position in this short essay. It displayed that when it comes to art, a quality artist can pretty much do whatever he or she wants, even break the rules of prose-writing, as long as its violation serves an artistic purpose.

YOUR UNORTHODOX HUMOR SHINES THROUGH:
Just as in "Grab The Harpoon!"

and "Sardine Sandwiches and Whales"

, having a sardine sandwich as the main subject is the coup de grace to all things mundane. I mean, how more creative and quirky can you get? And I love it! As the star of your trio of mini-essay-commentaries, the sardine sandwich has his fifteen minutes of fame as promised him by Andy Warhol. It was a good life ... it was the best life a fish sandwich could aspire to. And it was recorded with gusto by a cow/hand hybrid in a land of bits and bytes called Writing.com

DO I AGREE WITH YOUR POINT ABOUT PASSIVE VOICE?:
Yes! You convinced me hook, line, and sinker of the merits of taking into consideration the "star" of the sentence before damning a passively constructed clause. This is what I will do the next time some snobby novel chapter reviewer tells me my sentence is passive. I'll point to this essay and instruct him or her that sometimes a kid running in the hall or talking too loud has a purpose beyond the understanding of law enofrcement. Then I'll ask him or her how many friends they actually make as a hall monitor, and recommend another, more popular, line of work ... something like tax collector!

Well, the sardine sandwich is beginning to stink to High Heaven (you know, that place where your God Third Party Omniscient from "Sardine Sandwiches and Whales" lives?). Even as I hold my nose against this olfactory haymaker, I smile at the message that brought me to the sandwich in the first place, for passive voice has been redeemed! Thank you for your crazy talent, imagination, and sense of humor!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3927331

Review of The Long & Winding Moo

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings, ♥Hooves♥

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "The Long & Winding Moo" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

SOME CLUES TO THE MYSTERY:
I had no idea this photo essay was in your portfolio, and I had a great time reading it. You have always been one of my most favourite people here on Writing.com, but you have also always been one of the most mysterious. Your personas are so well established that they all exist with their own artistic image, reputation, style, and temperament. Because of all of that, it was nice to discover this document, for it helped me get a better picture of who you are. You have been on this site since the beginning. I can't imagine how many members you have seen come and go in that twelve years! By the time I finished reading, I knew just a little bit more about the person who inhabits these cows and that disembodied hand, and I feel thankful for that. By the way, I have always meant to ask you: are you even a fan of The Addams Family?

HIGHLIGHTS:
I wanted to pull out and comment on some specific parts of your essay. Here are some of the highlights for me, with full commentary!

I enjoyed reading about your endeavors with fan fiction. I just recently read a interview with The StoryMaster

written back in 2003, and he was talking about the site when it was still called Stories.com. Back then, it seems that interactives, campfires, and group stories were the norm. I can only imagine the way it was back then! I imagine you and the other members had a ball and became great friends, if for no other reason than that each of you had a lot less pulling you away from each other as with the multi-laned, super-highway that it is today. When you were new to the site, it seems that smaller meant more intimate.

Wow, the longevity of your campfire

was amazing. The time you guys must have had in the process of creating 121 entries!

My second favorite part of the entire essay was your honesty concerning reviews. I don't like stinky poo reviews either. I don't like reviews where people think they know what they are talking about but really don't, especially when these people present an incorrect summary opinion in a couple of sentences. I have tantrums, too.

And here was my favourite part: "Generally, I can be grouchy if my hand is slapped or my tail is pulled. Sometimes, if I am in a mood, I may even scold you. I shouldn't do that and I know it and am ashamed shortly afterward... Ashamed isn't the same as sorry though." This absolutely cracked me up. As in, laugh-out-loud cracked me up. I, too, understand the fact that feeling ashamed does not actually mean I feel apologetic. I guess it's just an emotional thing.

"My Basset Hound still wags her tail at me when she sees me, even if you do not. I forgive you for not wagging your tail." Unfortunately, our opinions of other members are not usually static, for they fluctuate within the amorphous goo we call the online community communication web. And because of this, it is rare for me to make this claim, but you are one of the few people I have always had positive thoughts about. It may not be a wagging tail, but take it to heart anyway!

I am very happy for you that you have a wonderful spouse and your beloved basset hound. I am also very happy for me and the other members of this site that we have you as an active member in our community. Twelve years is a long time to have been inside an evolving experiment like this. I bet you have quite a few stories to tell. Maybe some day, you will grant me an interview! I'll get back to you on that one ... until then, have a wonderful day my ever-changing, multi-dimensional, many-fingered, bovine friend!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

30

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14 days may be credited.

#3927317

Review of Fishbones

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings, Jellyfish-Vote Green on May 2! , fellow Rising Star!

"He whose face gives no light, shall never become a star."

~William Blake

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

I enjoyed looking through your portfolio as I searched for an item to review. I offer you a review of "Fishbones"

as a

Rising Stars

Member-to-Member review, an excellently dark poem by a talented poet!

Overall:

There is quite a pulse of quiet desperation in this poem, a wish for others to suffer after the narrator is gone. While it doesn't mention suicide specifically, it paints the concept in absentia. The tone is the feature of this poem that I enjoyed the most, a matter-of-fact and calm determination to vanish into the traces of bitter memories. I will speak a little more about the tone in the next section, but overall, this poem has much to like about it, many references that add to this overall theme of "I am gone." You actually had me look up two references of which I was not aware. The first was "bladderwrack," which I leaned was a type of seaweed found off the coast of Ireland. The second was the allusion to the nursery rhyme "Monday's Child," which amazingly I had never heard before. Is it something that is more likely to be sung by British and Australian children? Mandy knew it, but I had never heard it, being an American. Or maybe it's a girl's rhyme? Anyway, I know it now, and I think it's inclusion was one of the sparkles of this gem. I'll explain why later in this review.

Conventions:

Rhythm and rhyme are downplayed conventions, but that's okay. This poem shines because of its theme, tone, similes, and metaphors. I want to talk in this section about theme. As mentioned above, there is an unmistakable spitefulness behind the narrator's words, almost as if this is a suicide note that warns everyone that they'll be sorry. The repetition of "I am gone" takes it a step further, insinuating that even as the narrator leaves this message, he/she has already departed. There is one word that keeps popping into my mind as I read and reread the poem, and I think it ties up everything: remnants. The narrator claims he or she can be found in the remnants of a tornado or the rotten flotsam pushed before the surf or in the memory of a snowfall. That is where the narrator is now, and this is a very moving contemplation and by far the highlight of the poem for me. This is a mournful yet dignified goodbye to those who have wronged him or her, with spiteful anger churning just below the surface, like one last turn of an emotional undertow.

Areas for Improvement:

This is only a suggestion, but contemporary poetry is moving away from capitalizing words just because they begin a line. My preference has become to only capitalize words that begin a sentence, especially within free verse's wide-open structure. I think it makes the poem look less archaic and more modern, redirecting the focus back onto the interplay of words rather than the stanza-structure. Of course, this is totally your choice.

I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

Excellent Writing Examples:

"You will find me on the beach / Amidst old fish bones, / Bottles without messages, / Bladderwrack."

I love this image of the narrator's memory floating in the flotsam, decayed (fishbones), hopeless (bottles), and tangled (bladderwrack). This, to me, is the strongest line of your poem, the peak of the theme of dissipating into remnants. It is so evocative that it almost has a smell.

"I am Thursday’s child / With far to go."

As I read that nursery rhyme, Thursday's child seems to be the only one with an ambiguous meaning. In fact, the meaning of this line is a very popular question on the web. Does it mean that this child will go far in life and achieve much or that she will travel far and get nowhere? The ambiguity and the reference to a child's nursery rhyme give us a backstory that the narrator may have always been misunderstood. Like tendrils of mist, all these little details come together to create a foggy mood for a poetry fan looking closely and making connections.

I really enjoyed reading over your poetry. I also enjoyed "Just the Opposite of Underjoyed"

, but I chose this one for my review instead because of its darkness. I could have totally read this wrong, though. Your poem could be about leaving a relationship and not life, but the mood just pulled me so far down with its tone that I couldn't imagine it being anything short of de-existence. Thank you for your talent and sharing it with us!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

31

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3922118

Review of Love of my Life

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Greetings, ber-brag

This review of your poem "Love of my Life"

is reward in the Round #5 drawing of "Invalid Item"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
There can be no more heartfelt ode than those written to another person, and your ode to your wife drips with the love you have for her. I have no doubt that this sweet poem is cherished by your wife. It's hard to criticize such a personal poem, for if it was created from the heart, how can it be wrong? If I were to speak about its conventions, however, there are some flaws which I am forced to mention in the interest of helping you make this peom the best it can be. I have no doubt that you would want your wife to be represented by the best in poetic expressions. In the sections below, I will explain some of my concerns for this poem as it is, and how you can easily make it better. Overall, this poem is sentiment ready to burst forth, but unfortunately, the form is not quite matching the subject-matter in quality just yet. If you rework the poem, let me know, and I will be happy to adjust my rating.

CONVENTIONS:
The most glaring problem with this poem is its rhyme scheme. According to the first two stanzas, the scheme is established as ABCA. It is almost incumbent on you as a poet, after establishing this scheme, to maintain it throughout. Stanzas 1, 2, 4, 6, and 8 all follow this scheme, but 3, 5, and 7 are problematic. I'll take each stanza individually to help you see what I mean.

Stanza 3: In this stanza, your bookending rhymes are fine, but since you rhyme the end-words in lines 2 and 3, you change your scheme to ABBA.

Stanza 5: In this stanza, your bookending rhymes do not match in sound, although having them be opposites is a clever use of language. Unfortunately, you must stick to the scheme. The difference between being a "loser" and a "winner" is an excellent poetic dichotomy, but maybe you can reword the entire stanza to where these antonyms end lines 2 and 3, which do not have to rhyme according to your established scheme.

Stanza 7: In this stanza, your bookending rhymes are the same words, which is only proper in form poetry that calls for the repetition.

Really focusing on your rhyme scheme and making it adhere to its own establishment will instantly make this a quality poem. If you wish to improve upon this, take each of the three flawed stanzas apart separately and see how you can reword them. Because your poem is an ode and has no discernible narrative, you have quite a bit of leeway in reconstructing these stanzas without affecting the others. If I can be of any help, please don't hesitate to ask!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I didn't find anything at all in these areas to comment on.

PLAN OF ACTION:
This plan of action is my advice on what I would do to improve your chapter in a set, particular order. Your are free to disregard this (or anything I say, of course). The Plan of Action I offer is only a strategy to follow if you feel you need one as you revise.

First, I would suggest fixing those three stanzas to where they adhere to your rhyme scheme.

Second, reread your poem and see where you can infuse figurative language. Lend me your ear, (synecdoche) and I'll speak today of figurative language. I do not wish to beat a dead horse (hyperbole), but a poem without figurative language is like a Christmas tree without lights (simile). Symbolic language is the garnish, seasoning, and flavor of a home-cooked meal (metaphor). Figurative language reaches out and gooses a lover of poetry (personification), and its use lends the poet the ability to create subtle screams of meaning (oxymoron). Perfect poetry possesses a passion-play of colorfully conceived conventions (alliteration). When these figures of speech are used as tools, the poet begins to see his or her expression as a work of art, a unique composite of the self and not simply a color-coded stroll down another's owned road (assonance). It's the meticulous and judicious use of these devices within various poetry forms about an infinite number of subjects, a truly Shakespearian (allusion) effort to mold words, that creates distinctive and original poetry. I believe your poetry would benefit from bolstering your use of these tried-and-true poetic conventions.

Third, give this poem another coat of paint. Read each line carefully and see where you can enhance a reader's immersion by engaging the five senses. I believe this is crucial in your poem! I know it's hard, trust me I do. It does get easier the more you do it, and you really improve as a poet by making yourself squeeze every word for as much as it's worth.

FAVORITE LINE:

"May all our dreams come true, / God Bless our love. / The best half of my life, / And the love of my life is you."

This is such a sincere, poignant moment, truly the heart and theme of your ode to your wife.

Agnelo, my friend, I apologize for the harshness of this review. I did not want to pick apart your heartfelt ode to your wife and your relationship. It is not an easy thing to review something so meaningful to someone and find flaws with it. I offer this advice in the hopes that you will appreciate me wanting to help you make the poem the best it can be. If there is anything at all I can do to help you craft this, please do not hesitate to email me.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

32

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3920961

Review of A Dream

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Greetings, Kavi

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WELCOME:
I want to extend my warmest welcome to you as you begin your journey through the halls of Writing.com. There are so many things to do here and so many things to feed your creative side, that it can often be overwhelming in the beginning to know where to go and how to go there. We are a community that will take five steps toward you if you take only one toward us. So, today, to match the step you have taken by uploading items into your portfolio, I offer you this review of your poem: "A Dream"

OVERALL:
I love the fluid, psychedelic motion of this poem. For imagery, it's chock-full of interesting visions to picture. It's uplifting message of universal happiness and celebration, while a bit idealistic, hits the mark with whimsical fun. This may very well qualify as a utopian vision of humankind's actual existence, for you make the point with the last line that we cannot be completely sure what reality is nor can we be completely sure what is possible in this existence. There were a couple of really brilliant moments in this poem that made me smile, for the language mixed with the rhythm perfectly into a sweet confection for the poetic aficionado. I have a couple of suggestions in later sections, but all-in-all, this is a very creative and well-executed poem by a talented wordsmith.

CONVENTIONS:
I would classify this as rhyming free-verse, for you capitalize on what would be internal rhyme by how you end your lines. It gives the poem a disjointed and inconsistent rhythm, but I think that's okay, for it mirrors the dreamlike quality of the imagery. I have to compare some of your lines to the lines from "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" by the Beatles. You use what might be considered gibberish in the same way that Lennon and McCartney sing: "Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain / Where rocking horse people eat marshmellow pies." But, of course, these lines are not gibberish but well-considered mantras that offer an enjoyable tone and unique imagery. I will give examples from your poem below that I particularly liked.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Sometimes, where you place a poem on the page can have an impact on the reader, especially if your poem is ephemeral and "in the air" like yours. I tend to prefer left-aligned poetry, but sometimes a center alignment can add an onomatopoetic layer to your piece as a whole. I would recommend you consider aligning your poem in the center, for this also blunts the jaggedness of short lines and long lines mingling together, visually.

I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINES:

"And a feather fell, it turned a broken rock into a well / And quenched the thirsty, apple tree."

I just love the image of a falling feather crashing so hard into a rock that it makes a well in the ground, for it's such a stellar and evocative use of imagery! It also gives that "everything is not as it seems" quality to your poem in the same way that "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" does.

"I saw poetry floating through the skies / People drinking music through their eyes."

Wow, more of this meaningful gibberish that is so fun to think about. The latter half of this made me grin. Such psychedelic surrealism!

NEWBIE ADVICE:
I have very little space to give you all the advice about the site that you may need, but here are some basics for you to start with:

On the top-left side of your screen is a box of links that begins with "Things to Do & Read." Explore these links to see what's going on, for this is a very accessible gateway into our community. There are contests you can enter, activities to partake in, other items to read and review, people to chat with ... more things to do than you can imagine!

I highly recommend you look to enter some poetry contests. May I recommend "Shadows and Light Poetry Contest" , "The Humorous Poetry Contest" , or "Invalid Item" . Entering contests is a great way not only to improve, but also to make new friends and wade out into the community.

Review the work of others. Be sure to look to "Guidelines To Great Reviewing" for guidance on what is expected of reviewers on WDC. Right above "Things to Do & Read," is a link to "Public Reviews." Scan this up-to-the-minute cascade of reviews to see how others approach making reviews, philosophically, visually, and stylistically.

If you ever have any questions at all, feel free to contact me, and I promise to respond in a timely manner. Have fun while you explore, and don't forget to write!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

33

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3920956

Review of Eternity

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Greetings, Daizy

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WELCOME:
I want to extend my warmest welcome to you as you begin your journey through the halls of Writing.com. There are so many things to do here and so many things to feed your creative side, that it can often be overwhelming in the beginning to know where to go and how to go there. We are a community that will take five steps toward you if you take only one toward us. So, today, to match the step you have taken by uploading items into your portfolio, I offer you this review of your short: "Eternity"

OVERALL:
This is a very uplifting and charming story that begins with contemporary themes and then spirals into a happily-ever-after fairy tale. Cancer is awful, especially how it takes away so many people. The worst part is that the patient and those who loved him or her has to watch with agony a slow demise of hope. It is perhaps one of the bitterest deaths to witness. While I enjoyed the spirit and creativity of the piece, there were serious issues as pertained to punctuation, run-on sentences, and a general difficulty in readability. These are all things that can be fixed and improved for you if you pay attention to the rules and practice them in your future writing. You definitely have a lot of talent in both picking good topics to write about as well as expressing them in a story. What is needed is a commitment to the craft of writing and gathering the tools to make you the best you can be.

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:
As I mentioned, this piece has serious readability issues, but that's what we're all here for, to help you improve your writing. I humbly offer my editing services to you if you wish. All you have to do is request it in an email, and I will line-by-line edit this story for you, explaining where you went wrong and how to avoid the mistakes in the future. I pulled out one line, here, that had a couple of misspelled words for you to fix up right away:

"...to slow down I new [knew] she would have to go inside soon, but the site [sight] of her just made me the happiest man alive."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

To begin using your new community to its fullest, I suggest taking a look at the many resources and classes that you can take concerning punctuation, especially commas. Winnie Kay

runs an excellent forum/class called "Comma Sense" as part of her "NEW HORIZONS ACADEMY"

. Contact her by email to see what's available for you.

When a reviewer gives you some edits, go into your work and make the corrections. It is so much easier on the next reviewer to not have to relay the same information, for they can then focus on other parts of your work that may need some advising.

NEWBIE ADVICE:
I have very little space to give you all the advice about the site that you may need, but here are some basics for you to start with:

On the top-left side of your screen is a box of links that begins with "Things to Do & Read." Explore these links to see what's going on, for this is a very accessible gateway into our community. There are contests you can enter, activities to partake in, other items to read and review, people to chat with ... more things to do than you can imagine!

I highly recommend you look to enter some contests. This is a great way not only to improve, but also to make new friends and wade out into the community.

Review the work of others. Be sure to look to "Guidelines To Great Reviewing" for guidance on what is expected of reviewers on WDC. Right above "Things to Do & Read," is a link to "Public Reviews." Scan this up-to-the-minute cascade of reviews to see how others approach making reviews, philosophically, visually, and stylistically.

If you ever have any questions at all, feel free to contact me, and I promise to respond in a timely manner. Have fun while you explore, and don't forget to write!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

34

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3920951

Review of Bin the Bar

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Greetings, Kellie Saberhagen

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WELCOME:
I want to extend my warmest welcome to you as you begin your journey through the halls of Writing.com. There are so many things to do here and so many things to feed your creative side, that it can often be overwhelming in the beginning to know where to go and how to go there. We are a community that will take five steps toward you if you take only one toward us. So, today, to match the step you have taken by uploading items into your portfolio, I offer you this review of your short article: "Bin the Bar"

OVERALL:
Did you just make a case for a complete ban of chocolate?

Wow, you did! I can't say that I disagree with you at all concerning the health implications, but ... chocolate? Really? What about the Easter Bunny and Valentine's Day? What about Christmas baking? What about "Snickers really satisfies" and "How do you eat a Reese's cup?" Can't we target jelly beans or Hot Tamales or Skittles, which I hate anyway? Also, will this ban on chocolate include one of my favourite candy bars of all time, the peanut-covered nougat of a Payday? Technically, no chocolate!

In all seriousness, you make a good point and give adequate examples. I'm not sure that a society that can't ban tobacco and alcohol will ever give up chocolate, but your campaign to ban could lead to much better education. In my opinion, the bottom line is that it's a parental responsibility to enforce candy moderation, a habit that hopefully would carry on into later life. I'm pretty lucky, because too much chocolate raises my blood pressure and gives me a headache, so my body helps me keep chocolate to a minimum. I say, good luck with encouraging better eating habits, something we can all get behind!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found a recurring error concerning items in a series and placing the last comma. According to Chicago literary style, there must be a comma placed after the next-to-the-last item in a series of two or more items, phrases, or clauses in a sentence. Now, to confuse us even more, if you've had any journalism training, Associated Press style asks us to leave this last comma off in an antiquated attempt to save column inches in a newspaper or periodical. I offer these corrections to you for your consideration. American official grammar rules calls for the comma, but you can choose which way to go:

"This can, should[,] and will be stopped!"

"Retailing has the power to tempt, to persuade[,] and to feed on our addiction."

"I shall ban the evil, prevent it from entering innocent hands[,] and end all television propaganda."
Here were just a couple of other things I noticed:

"In the last ten years[,] child obesity has soared..."

"Chocolate cannot just be ignored[.] [I]t is alive and well and could be effecting [affecting] your child."

Split to avoid run-on sentence.

"...but with will power [Willpower]. Will power [willpower] to stand up and say..."

"...to have hard[-]earned produce stolen by gobbling trades."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

The only thing to suggest after the grammar edits would be just to expand your argumentative essay with more details and statistics to prove your point.

FAVORITE LINE:

"A builder can't work without his tools. A soldier can't fight without a gun. A child can't become obese without chocolate."

These are three excellent metaphors that equate very well and really nail home your point. Good job!

NEWBIE ADVICE:
I have very little space to give you all the advice about the site that you may need, but here are some basics for you to start with:

On the top-left side of your screen is a box of links that begins with "Things to Do & Read." Explore these links to see what's going on, for this is a very accessible gateway into our community. There are contests you can enter, activities to partake in, other items to read and review, people to chat with ... more things to do than you can imagine!

I highly recommend you look to enter some contests. If you like argumentative writing, may I recommend "Invalid Item" . This is a great way not only to improve, but also to make new friends and wade out into the community.

Review the work of others. Be sure to look to "Guidelines To Great Reviewing" for guidance on what is expected of reviewers on WDC. Right above "Things to Do & Read," is a link to "Public Reviews." Scan this up-to-the-minute cascade of reviews to see how others approach their reviews, philosophically, visually, and stylistically.

If you ever have any questions at all, feel free to contact me, and I promise to respond in a timely manner. Have fun while you explore, and don't forget to write!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

35

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3918640

Review of Foggy Morning

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings, VictoriaMcCullough

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Foggy Morning" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

CONTEXTUAL DISCUSSION:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a poem that lets me do a little research, for I'm a history/pop culture junkie. I like to crowd by brain with stuff, twisting frenetic synapses into embraces that they never expect, so that I can bore any person careless enough to get me started. So, with that spirit moving me and in need of understanding the context of your wonderful poem, I looked for clues in your lines that would point me

in a direction. Fielding Dawson I had never heard of, although I probably should have. His beatnik contemporaries like Jack Keroac and Allen Ginsberg are much more familiar to me, maybe because Bob Dylan championed them in folk music's rise to popularity in the early, early 1960's. I'm not sure if your poem is autobiographical, but if it is, what a wonderful letter-relationship you must have had with a very interesting artist. As I read about his life in Wikipedia, I remembered lines from your poem like "A city's tragedy for the Art world sadly comes to pass," and "In the beginning of the twenty-first century," and "after being admitted to a NYC hospital, suddenly ill," and these are confirmed by the fact that Dawson ended his teaching career in New York and died an unexpected death in 2002. Many people claim that they should be hand-delivered the context of poetry, but I have always disagreed. Part of the joy for me is taking the allusions and cleverly hidden clues and finding the poet's meaning myself. This is exactly what I did this evening with your poem. You also forced me to look up "Seamrog," although after a short browse I did not discover the actual work of art that forced you to italicize and put the word in quotation marks. I did discover that it is a

three-leaf clover, something I had not known before.

OVERALL:
One of the greatest aspects of this poem is that is reads like a lament, but also in the spirit of an ode. It is all contemporary, however, with its allusions and referencing. I am particularly fond of how its imagery of dew-laden clover fields and foggy barrows and morning sunshine create a palpable setting for remembering, contemplating. While the entire poem is excellent in figurative language -- particularly evocative word-choices and alliteration -- it's in the last two stanzas where you stun the reader with your skill. The image of a carton of memorabilia and the ethereal meeting with a spirit at the end transfer a sense of wistful melancholy that is very memorable.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I didn't find anything in these areas on which to comment.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE:

"I take stock of a good season's share of a Requiem for / both of them."

Your narrator is acknowledging how the morning dew and fog and the spring wind and weather conjure memories of cherished relationships, now extinguished. There is a need to remember, almost like a prayer.

" The wet dew in the "Seamrog" moves the beginning of the day / toward a talk with his ghost."

You save your best image and line for last, Vicki. This line sent me floating away into the fog, all five of my senses absorbing this small piece of poetic grandeur. And, since I have been introduced to Mr. Dawson this evening, I can honestly say that I have had my own conversation with his ghost through your poem. Isn't that cool?

What else would you want one of your poems to do but that?

You have quite a reputation on the site as an excellent poet, and it is well deserved. I will be visiting your portfolio again soon. Maybe you can again teach me something of a life I hadn't known.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

36

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3918316

Review of One Thousand Words or Less

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Greetings, Gary

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "One Thousand Words or Less" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
I have to say that this story was one of the more peculiar tales I have ever read. I expected to reach a punchline at the end, some kind of twist, but it never came. That's not to say that Wayne's meteoric rise to fame and fortune based on writing a short story and uploading it on Writing.com didn't give me a few moments of chuckle-worthy mirth. It is well written and well edited. I had only one little issue with the formatting, and I will speak more of that below.

SHOWING VS. TELLING:
The debate will always rage concerning whether a story that is basically all telling has value. I think it does, but many modern storytellers subscribe to the "fictional dream" idea where all five senses should be barraged with interesting things for a reader's brain to process in an effort to submerge them in the comfortable, lukewarm water of your narrative. You don't tell a reader that Sally always dresses conservatively on a business trip; you describe what she's wearing. You don't say Tom enjoys fishing, you describe the sighs and muscle stretches as he reclines on his boat and the euphoric joy that erupts from his soul when he lands a biggun'. Now, Wayne's story is all telling. Is this okay? I think it is, because this is not your typical "fictional dream" story. It is meant to be subtle satire on the stereotypical writer's fantasy, and in that is succeeds admirably. I guess the bottom line is when it comes to showing versus telling, we should always strive to show, but that doesn't mean telling is wrong, for many a great story has been told over the years. It's with this caveat in mind that I don't fault you for having a "telling" story.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I didn't find anything in your story that needed attention. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I was wondering why you have spaces between some paragraphs and then when the dialogue begins, you scrunch your paragraphs together. I think it is distracting and looks like a formatting error. Of course, if you have some literary reason for doing this, forget me pointing it out.

You should always go back to your chapters from time to time and reread them, making minor adjustments as needed. Think of it like this: a scene/story/novel is like an oil painting where you apply layer upon layer of color over time, using a much smaller and finer brush with each application. You have a very good oil painting started. Now, take a finer brush and paint those difficult eyes or that fallen log in the foreground with its striated textures of umber, peach, and black. Have another read-through. Reword a sentence here and there. When you get to the end, set it aside. Come back it to it tomorrow, or next week, or next month, and do the same thing again. You would be surprised how dense with excellent description your story will become over time.

FAVORITE PART:

"Arrangements were made to print the first million copies of the story and media packages were passed out to members of the press. The media blitz announcing The Secret of Life was incredible. It started with a small excerpt in the New York Times and exploded from there. Within three weeks, the presses were rolling again. Ten million copies were printed in the second edition."

Yeah, don't we all wish!

I appreciate being introduced to your portfolio. You have been a member of WDC for a long time, but I don't think I have ever run across you before. Cheers on your own mission to sell more copies than the Bible. I'm right behind you!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

37

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3917648

Review of Fountain of Youth

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings, fyn

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Fountain of Youth" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
Grandchildren, huh? I have to admit that being a father of two very rambunctious boys makes me wonder at the logic of claiming that children actually make us younger. But that's just the cynic in me, the beaten parent that really can't believe some of the things my boys come up with to test my resolve as a reasonable human being. But, I do realize the difference between being a parent and a grandparent. I saw it in my mother's eyes whenever she would cuddle my boys. Never particularly affectionate physically when I was younger (not to say that I didn't get plenty of love from her, but she was a "personal space" person), the physical affectionate my boys brought out in her always made me happy for both her and them. So, I can agree, at least in theory, that I'm destined to drink from the holy grail of grandparenthood and discover a new reservoir of patience when dealing with the capriciousness of children. By the way, have you discovered a way for me to get a little of that now?

CONVENTIONS (ACTUALLY JUST MORE ABOUT MY KIDS):
Your rhyming free verse is very interesting in a contemporary sense. I particularly like the rhyming of the second stanza, for it really snaps home the rhythm. Thank you for teaching me what fol-de-rol means! I had never heard that before, and looked it up. In fact, that word is just about perfect to describe what my children fight over!

Nothing at all, trifles. Who can drive daddy the craziest, the fastest! *snaps fingers* I got it! Being a grandparent makes you younger because of all the laughing you do when you see your children go through all the same stuff they put you through.

I think I figured it out! Sorry, fyn. I have a ten-year-old and an eight-year-old. I don't think it's possible for me to be anything but cynical for the time being. I sincerely hope to prove your theory correct in about twenty years.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Everything in this area looked fine.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE:

"There's no character to an empty plate."

I pulled out this line because I found it to be at odds to my current state in the generational game. There may not be any character to an empty plate, but there sure is a whole lot of quiet!

I hope you don't mind that I harped so much about my children. It's interesting when we review a poem, and we really like it, what do we say other than what the poem made us feel? I really enjoyed this poem, for it gives me hope that one day my parental cynicism will transform into genuine optimism for the fate of my descendants in my sons' hands. Um ... yeah.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

38

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3917619

Review of Fleeting

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Greetings, Happy Adore♥

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Fleeting" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
Sometimes in life, we don't end up where we plan to be. That would be a perfect description of Zuri and her marriage with Butch. The dinner sequence was all interesting, and it was quite a shock to get to the end and discover that Zuri had been daydreaming. Overall, the story idea is good, but there are some issues with your execution of the story. The biggest problems I found were with punctuation -- especially commas -- and a lack of character and setting description. In fact, this story seems to be thematically tackling the issue of interracial marriage, yet I was almost finished with the story before I was informed that Butch was Caucasian. I'm assuming Zuri is African-American, but it never says so in the story. In any event, this story is ripe for some revision if you are so inclined. What follows will be some advice on how you can do that.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There were several places where commas were needed. I humbly point you to my concise document to help you with your commas: "Invalid Item"

. I also found a few grammatical glitches that I've pulled out for you:

"...messing with him!" her Grandma, [remove comma] said slyly..."

"'You know I didn’t cook this food for nothing[,]' her grandma said, [remove comma] with a good[-]natured grin."

"'Oh, Mom, you know I eat good everyday [every day][,]' she said."

"She glanced to at Butch for support."

"'Zuri, let’s go! Get the baby[,] and let’s go!” he about screamed as he strode out of the room, leaving her behind."

"She started away from the table[,] and he[r] grandma reached for her hand..."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I would recommend closing the gaps between your paragraphs to make the story more visually appealing. The way it is does a strange trick of making the elements of the story seem disjointed.

I would be happy to edit the commas into your story in an email, just let me know!

I believe the theme of the story is a mixture of Zuri's misery and the difficulties of interracial marriage. I think these themes need to be hinted at closer to the beginning of the story to provide some type of foreshadowing.

FAVORITE PART:

"The living room had shelves along the wall with tiny figurines, which were never moved, in silent poses, ever watching. She always wanted to take them from their shelves for a closer look wondering how they’d be enjoyed when they seemed so very far away from the rest of the world."

This is the type of writing that I think should characterize the rest of your story. Curiously, as evocative and interesting as this description is, nothing else like it appears anywhere else in the story.

I think you have a very good start to you story, but remember always to go back and try to improve upon them, taking the advice of reviewers and your own growth as a writer.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

39

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3917144

Review of Hey, Were We Just Insulted?

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Greetings, hbar
It is my privilege to review "Hey, Were We Just Insulted?" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
Wow, John! Have you ever read the book Rude Behavior by Dan Jenkins? If not, you'd love it to its non-PC, beer-guzzling, tasteless core.

This hilarious short story reminded me of it so much, and that should be considered a compliment. You have the same tone with this work. Here we have a collection of manly men acting like, well ... men. They guy-around, man-up, throw-down, and pow-wow with such a lovely cluelessness that they are doing anything wrong, that even a pair of uppity nurses can't help but smile good-naturedly. Your narrator (I'll stop just short of assuming this is autobiographical, even though his name is John) so innocently describes his own and others' macho exploits that I'm forced to consider the acts of stereotyping men, sexual experimentalists, Samoans, low-class hospitals, Kiwis, sports officials, receptionists, body-piercers, and nurses as something other than personally offensive. Your story manages, with some excellent wit and clever characterization, to elevate itself into the same paradoxically innocuous read as Rude Behavior. Clearly, the theory goes: if you manage to offend everybody, you really offend no one. Pretzel logic, rationalization for enjoying myself, or a profound philosophical point about the nature of the human condition? You're the author ... you decide!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I have to admit that there are some issues with your use of commas. Being an unapologetic and self-styled comma-geek as well as needing to comply with my philosophy of "reviewing to improve," I just couldn't let them go by. I'm going to offer you a couple quick rules that may help you to go in and fix most of them if you're so inclined.

Rule #1: Look at every sentence that has one of the conjunctions and, but, or, for, nor, so, or yet. If the group of words before and after the conjunction functions as a complete sentence, it's a compound sentence, and a comma goes before the conjunction.
Rule #2: Check every sentence that doesn’t begin with a subject to see whether it opens with an introductory element, and separate the introductory material with a comma.
Rule #3: Check every and and or to see if it comes before the last item in a series of three or more words, phrases, or clauses. Be sure that each item in a series (except the last) is followed by a comma.

I also pulled out a few things for you to fix up right away. You can see those here. ▼

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

The only thing wrong with this hilarious, excellent story is the grammar, mostly commas. If I can be of any help in this area, just let me know!

FAVORITE PARTS:
Note: I don't normally pick out more than two favorites from a piece unless there are just too many from which to choose. I just couldn't settle on two, but selected four, and that was cut down from eight!

"Luckily for him he was partially bald so there was no hair to get into the four or five inch triangular gash high above the bleeding player’s left ear. There was some grass and mud in there though; it made kind of a nice pattern."

This is such a nice way to start your story as pertains to tone. A head injury of this magnitude would gross most people out, but having a field full of rugby players standing around admiring the aesthetic value of the wound and arguing with an official over the legality of the cleating lets the reader know right away that nothing is going to be kept sacred in the paragraphs ahead.

"There are basically two ways to recover from an afternoon of rugby. There is the $6,000 method, also known as the ‘hot tub’ solution. Or, and this is the preferred method, the $12 method, more commonly known as the alcohol, and lots of it, solution."

Cheers, John!

Haha!

"If it had not been for the metal scattered about her face she would’ve looked like a goldfish starving for oxygen."

This is an incredible simile that characterized your hospital receptionist!

"I was moving up in the world, I had gone from non-existent to sir in a beer and a threat."

My favourite line in the entire story. This entire section -- the exchange between the narrator and the receptionist -- made me almost choke on a sip of coffee. When she told him he couldn't have the second beer in the hospital, and he thought she meant the first beer, I nearly lost it.

You are a true comedic writer, John! It seems to come so easy for you to parody and puncture all that "civilized society" thinks is so important. Political correctness is admirable in most circumstances, in my opinion. However, I also realize that a sense of humor and those moments when we can be allowed not to take ourselves too seriously are what keep us from atrocious pretention and arrogance. Bravo to you for punching through the scrum of civility to score a goal for healthy human laughter!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3916817

Review of The Legend.

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Greetings, lmmortal , fellow Rising Star!

"He whose face gives no light, shall never become a star."

~William Blake

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

I wish to congratulate you on your promotion to the "Preferred Authors." Please accept this review of your work not only as a Rising Stars member-to-member review, but also as a gift in celebration of your promotion.

Overall:

Shakespeare is so much fun to think and read about. He's that perfect combination of mystery and genius that makes the man as interesting as his body of work. Your prose poem about him is extraordinary in its structure, and it has real moments of brilliance. I had to go back and do a quick Wikipedia study on the names and facts you describe in the work, and they all check out. What I liked the most is how you bookend the poem by speaking of his legend. It wraps the work up under its title and makes it complete, structurally. There is one absolutely incredible line in the poem I will speak of next. I've also noticed a few comma and formatting issues that I will fix for you later in the review. Overall, this really inspired me with its creative approach to biography. I mean, if you want to write about a legend, there are not many that are more mythical than William Shakespeare.

The Answer to the Legend:

Whether you did it subconsciously or intentionally, you offer up the entirety of the legend of Shakespeare in one line, the third from the last: "The poet's face was hidden in the lines of poetry and plays." There is not much known even today about who Shakespeare really was in his private life. Speculation is rampant concerning whether he was actually the one to write the King James Bible, whether he spent his entire life pining after another man, whether the vast majority of his plays were a collaboration of playwrights instead of his own personal property. You address this eternal mystery in this line by showing us that all of that doesn't really matter in the least. The identity of the man -- in fact his very legend -- is contained within the body of work we all accept as his. He's a hero, a myth, a legend, an amalgamation of Elizabethan England during the golden age when the pen was truly mightier than the sword. It's a lot easier to appreciate a time period like this within our cultural history if we can attach all of it to one man or woman -- or one legend.

Grammar/Spelling:

I found a few typos and formatting things for you to go in and fix. In some places, commas are not exactly where they should be, but I'm going to chalk that up to your rhythmic cadence and poetic license. If you wish my opinion on how this should be punctuated with commas if it were strictly prose, I will be happy to place them for you in an email.

Have a look down the entire work and make sure you put a [space] between every comma and the next word in the sentence.

"Susanna,hamnet and Judith was born."

"Susanna, Hamnet, and Judith were born."

"'It[']s worth having died two hundred...'"

Areas for Improvement:

Suggested Reword: "But Will has left to London,"

"But Will has left for London,"

Favorite Part:

"Unaware where the drops of creativity came from, / He surely heard someone say, / 'Its worth having died two hundred years ago to have Shakespeare deliver a single line.'"

This was my favourite sequence, especially the quote. I was wondering if this was a real quote or one that you made up? If it is a quote that someone else said, a footnote to its origin would be very informative to the reader and probably necessary in any event under copyright laws.

Before I settled on this prose poem, I looked at quite a few of your other poems. I especially liked "Invalid Item" . You are extremely talented and have a way with words. They seem to flow naturally from your mind. Keep writing and improving, my friend, and welcome to the "Preferred Authors."

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3916513

Review of Sober Siblings

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings, Winnie Kay

Just so you know,
I'm making a three-course meal with my reviews,
a trio of fiendishly disgusting concoctions
for the Halloween Review Stew presented by "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"

.

This review of your story "Sober Siblings"

is a featured ingredient in Sundae Bloody Sundae, the dessert of my meal. Here's the recipe:

(2) "Newbie" Author Reviews

(2) Registered Author Reviews

(2) Moderator Reviews

You're one of these!

"Extract of Honesty," dripped

"Elixir of Respect," poured in generous amounts

"Syrup of Encouragement," drizzled

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Overall:
Man, I used to skip school so much when I was that age. We had Saturday school back then, and I was always in there, reading a book and trying to stay awake for seven hours. When I skipped school, I didn't drink or do drugs or anything. It was usually just to sleep because I would always stay up so late at night reading or writing. I was such a dork! Anyway, the point is that you absolutely nailed this age-group, Winnie. Your dialogue is perfect -- witty and hilarious in places. And of course, I did not find a single grammatical or typographical error in the entire story, and I looked really hard, too!

But of course, your skill and knowledge in these areas is a reputation that you have earned, and it precedes you, my friend. The story is very short, but it does qualify as a story, with a beginning, conflict, and resolution. This is so hard to do in less than a thousand words. Another major highlight for me was how well the scene was painted. I had a very vivid image of the basement-room, the small bathroom, the decorated walls, the empty beer cans, and the carpet of clothing on the floor. This is a perfect little short, Winnie!

Grammar/Spelling:
Haha! Surely thou jests!

Areas for Improvement:

You are the second person in three days to destroy my theory of "review to improve." I can suggest absolutely nothing to improve this. It's perfect the way it is!

Favorite Part(s):

"'Mom wouldn’t ring her own doorbell, stupid.'"

This sounds like my kids, Casey and Andy, and their normal mode of conversation. Dangling insults all around, thank you! Sometimes I wonder if they even remember each others' names.

"His beer buzz evaporated, as if he’d been splashed with cold water, and he realized he had to pee, bad."

Nothing like a good ol' fashion life-or-death emergency to shake the beer out of you. Poor Luke. Karma, my friend. When reality comes for a visit, it's a reminder that he is only just a kid. An eighteen-year-old is one of the worst of animals. They stand at the pinnacle of all that is valuable to them at the end of their teenaged years, clueless about the punch in the face they are going to get in the next few years when they realize that their value system is an illusion and their parents were right all along. Still, bossing around a little brother would have been pretty

. I only had an older sister ...

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to review your story and allowing me to use that review in my recipe!
Just think of all the hungry ghouls and zombies that will enjoy quality food because of your generosity!

If you would like to participate and make your own review meals, see the following item:

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#1310280 by Brooklyn

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

42

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3916273

Review of Is That a Knock at the Door?

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Greetings, Simple Dykie

Just so you know,
I'm making a three-course meal with my reviews,
a trio of fiendishly disgusting concoctions
for the Halloween Review Stew presented by "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"

.

This review of your monologue "Is That a Knock at the Door?"

is a featured ingredient in Sundae Bloody Sundae, the dessert of my meal. Here's the recipe:

(2) "Newbie" Author Reviews

(2) Registered Author Reviews

You're one of these!

(2) Moderator Reviews

"Extract of Honesty," dripped

"Elixir of Respect," poured in generous amounts

"Syrup of Encouragement," drizzled

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Sales Pitch:

*knock-knock-knock* Why, hello Mr. Simple Dykie, sir. My name is PatrickB

, and I'm here to review your monologue. Wow, what a great pooch you got there. I bet he likes cookies, eh? You know, my daughter is a Girl Scout and can have a dozen boxes over here in five minutes if her bike's feeling frisky. I bet you like "Samoas," huh? Yeah, they're my favourite, too. Here, give me a second. *makes a call*

Okay, she's on her way! Thanks for inviting me in, sir. You have a wonderful house. The reason I'm here today is to offer my proofreading services for your monologue. I hear you're quite the dedicated writer. You have an up-and-coming reputation as an observationalist. I take a gander at philosophy from time to time, so I know where you're at with all that. I think it was Aristotle who said that true knowledge comes from observing the environment. Anyway, what do you say? Mind if I have a go at your monologue? I promise you won't be disappointed!

Estimate:
You know, Mr. Dykie, I see where you're going with this. The world needs more people watching and recording and making ironic connections. Lord knows, late night television hasn't been the same since Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon. We need more irony and less crude sex jokes. We need more people having pleasant dreams about fishing and less about high heels and lipstick. I have to say, I go through some of the same things as you at my house. You may think that since I go door-to-door that I have more patience with unannounced visitors, but it just isn't true! Our house is our fort, our refuge, our castle, and I can't tell you how many times I wished I had a moat or a couple of archers manning the battlements. Of course, it's not easy to live with the guilt I feel when I get angry at a potential customer who throws a shoe at me ... true story! I once tried that stick-my-foot-in-the-door technique, and this little old lady reached down and chucked a mud slogger at me! Bloodied my lip! No, no more

coffee, thanks. I can get hyper if I don't watch myself. Anyway, to get back to your monologue. I found it refreshing with loads of personality to spare. I especially found it humorous when you transcribed Chase's comments. No, no. I think it's okay that you didn't translate. I got where Chase was coming from, and a translation just loses you points for authenticity. I've always said that sometimes letting an animal speak in its native language allows a reader to interpret the noises as it pertains to the rest of the work. Chase wants cookies and ear-rubs. I get that. That's why he answers the door for salesmen, missionaries, Girl Scouts, and politicians but gnaws the rear end off a burglar.

Chase is no dummy. He knows who can butter his bread and who will steal his doggie-bed out from under him. Well, I have to say that it's been a pleasure visiting with you today. I must say that your up-and-coming reputation as an observationalist is well deserved. Did you say your publisher call it quits? What a shame. Well, you'll latch on somewhere else. Talent doesn't go unnoticed for very long. Tell you what, I'll send 'round my cousin Shecky tomorrow. He's opening a self-publishing/editing/proofreading firm that he's going to finance with his dog-walking/ice-cream-truck business. He's a sharp one, that Shecky. He knows his way around a semicolon and can spell better than that kid that passed out at the National Spelling Bee competition back in 1996, remember that? His real name's Oliver, but if you strike a deal with him, don't call him that. He hates it. Well, anyway, now it's time for me to do what you hired me for...

Grammar/Spelling:
I've found some grammatical gltiches, Mr. Dykie. I fixed them all up for you as part of my fee right here. ▼

Areas for Improvement:

Suggested Reword: "I made a mental note to again put fixing the doorbell on my to-do list."

"I made a mental note to again put "fixing the doorbell" on my to-do list."

Suggested Reword: "They must have been a culinary genius."

"He or she must have been a culinary genius." The plural pronoun does not match the singular direct object.

Suggested Reword: "...bring anything with them, and then [they] expect you to buy something!"

I think the sentence reads clearer if you repeat the subject pronoun in the second clause.

My Favourite Excerpt:

"I don't even mind having people on religious missions at my front door at the proper time. I actually admire their faith and determination. The problem is they never knock after you've had a spiritual epiphany, just finished memorizing the entire Bible, or witnessed beautiful angels along with a burning bush in your backyard next to the fish pond. They usually show up right after you stubbed your toe and cursed like a sailor, or just finished watching the classic, steamy, 1981 movie "Body Heat," starring William Hurt and Kathleen Turner."

Hey, I didn't mean to scare your dog, but this line just cracked me up! Seriously, go get him from under that table, Mr. Dykie. I'll rub his ears and promise never to make that sound ever again.

Farewells:
Thank you for having me in your fine home this afternoon, Mr. Dykie. Oh sure, I'm available anytime for more proofreading services. Just look me up through the "Review Requests"

system. Thanks for your prompt payment. I could tell right away that you were a cash-only kind of guy. Oh yes, I'll talk to Shecky later. He and I are playing poker at his girlfriend's house tonight. Oh, where's my daughter with the cookies? Um... Yeah... *looks at

* I'll go see what's taking her so long...

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to review your monologue and allowing me to use that review in my recipe!
Just think of all the hungry ghouls and zombies that will enjoy quality food because of your generosity!

If you would like to participate and make your own review meals, see the following item:

FORUM

The Official Mod Review Blitz!

(E)
Now updated to review all case colors. Help make "Halloween Review Stew" and win prizes!
#1310280 by Brooklyn

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

43

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3915343

Review of Tact and Charisma

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings, Joy

Just so you know,
I'm making a three-course meal with my reviews,
a trio of fiendishly disgusting concoctions
for the Halloween Review Stew presented by "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"

.

This review of your article "Tact and Charisma"

is a featured ingredient in Zombie Hair Pasta, the main course of my meal. Here's the recipe:

(2) "Newbie" Author Reviews

(2) Registered Author Reviews

(2) Preferred Author Reviews

(2) Moderator Reviews

(2) Senior Moderator Reviews

You're one of these!

"Extract of Honesty," dripped

"Elixir of Respect," poured in generous amounts

"Syrup of Encouragement," drizzled

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Why I'm Reviewing This:
The bad thing about the Mod Blitz is that we have to be very selective of the senior moderator items we choose to review, for very often the "purple" portfolios are the most robust and quality of any others on the site. That being said, I don't dive in and pick the very first thing I come to, but try to meander around a bit and read some of the other things the member has to offer. I click open folders, read snatches of fiction and novels, look at cNotes, read a poem or three, look at the "Biography" section and read some things about the member, take a gander at the "Community" tab to see some of the Awardicons they have been awarded, and finally I go searching for something to review. I spent a long time in your poetry folder, Joy, marvelling at your examples of sonnets, and especially the Paradelle, which I had never seen before. Talk about a math problem disguised as a poetry form! I particularly enjoyed "Love Among the Ruins"

, and I vow to myself right here, right now to give this form a try very soon.

Overall:
If I were teaching college freshman how to write an informative essay, I would ask your permission to use "Tact and Charisma"

. Not only is the message a valuable one for young adults -- who too often have very little tact -- but the structure of your essay is textbook-perfect. I will speak more about the structure in its own section, but let me say that overall this was a thought-provoking and educational comparative analysis of two concepts that are very often either lumped together or else used interchangeably. As you prove with compelling evidence, they are totally different character traits with totally different causes and effects. Using Osama bin Laden and Ben Franklin to show the difference between the two was a masterstroke.

Structure:
Your method of comparing the two concepts deserves the most attention. Your opening paragraph separates the two by defining them both and focusing on their differences. As we move down the page, this approach echoes throughout, giving us concrete examples of both in areas where they might be confused for one another. It's at the very end where you "zip together" your comparison by uniting the two concepts and showing where they intersect. The last two paragraphs describe how an individual with both tact and charisma can affect those around him or her. As a trained composition teacher, I can't tell you enough how well your structure displays the proper way to write a compare/contrast informative essay.

Commentary on Content:
You make an excellent point that charisma does not necessarily indicate morality, for Adolf Hitler was one of the more charismatic leaders in history. I also loved your inclusion of Benjamin Franklin, a man who took the essence of tact to legendary levels. As I was reading along, I was reminded of the lesson I learned in my American Presidency class back at Western Kentucky University in 2005. Before I became a true student of history at the university level, I had a certain idea of President Lyndon Johnson's legacy. Growing up in a Reagan-loving conservative household, my indoctrination of Johnson was that he was a weak-willed man who was only elevated to his position because of his predecessor's assassination. And after watching (and loving!) Oliver Stone's movie JFK in 1991, there was even the implication that he had something to do with the murder of President Kennedy. Of course, now that I have read and studied the facts, not only do I disregard most of Stone's excellently propagandized movie (although I still love it!), I also have a completely different opinion of President Johnson. The youth of my generation heard about his failure to de-escalate the Vietnam War and his lack of courage in seeking a second term as president. What we are not so quickly taught is the passage during his term of the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act, which fulfilled Lincoln's promise of the "Gettysburg Address" almost exactly one-hundred years later. The point of all this background is that Lyndon Johnson was known as the "Great Communicator" in his ability to sway a very conservative and hostile Congress toward the domestic agenda he called the "Great Society." Revisionist historians are now saying that without Johnson's "charisma" and "tact," the civil rights victories of the early-to-mid 1960's may never have taken place. In one-on-one communications, Johnson is still known as one of the best presidents ever, and this is a long way from what I was brought up to believe about him.

Grammar/Spelling:
Your essay is immaculately edited. I found absolutely nothing to correct, and I looked real hard!

Areas for Improvement:

I had only one suggestion. "Our forefathers acted with tact."

"Our Founding Fathers acted with tact." The reason I suggest this is because it is evident that you are speaking about that group of men that gathered at Philadelphia to write the Constitution, but "forefathers" suggest a much wider and more general group of people, not all of which acted with tact.

Favorite Part(s):

"People are appreciative of tact but are mesmerized by charisma just as the children of Hamelin were drawn to Pied Piper."

Your simile is a thing of beauty in this sentence. This is just one of many excellent comparative sentences that help the reader understand the difference between the two concepts.

"Our forefathers acted with tact. Some of them also had charisma. Combining the two made them invincible. Theirs is a tough act to follow."

This is a perfect use of short declarative sentences to punch home your point. It seems we are still waiting for the times to muster such a forward-thinking and talented group.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to review your article and allowing me to use that review in my recipe!
Just think of all the hungry ghouls and zombies that will enjoy quality food because of your generosity!

If you would like to participate and make your own review meals, see the following item:

FORUM

The Official Mod Review Blitz!

(E)
Now updated to review all case colors. Help make "Halloween Review Stew" and win prizes!
#1310280 by Brooklyn

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

44

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3914845

Review of Get me a Bucket or Blame it on Reno

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings, Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH

Just so you know,
I'm making a three-course meal with my reviews,
a trio of fiendishly disgusting concoctions
for the Halloween Review Stew presented by "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"

.

This review of your story "Get me a Bucket or Blame it on Reno"

is a featured ingredient in Zombie Hair Pasta, the main course of my meal. Here's the recipe:

(2) "Newbie" Author Reviews

(2) Registered Author Reviews

(2) Preferred Author Reviews

(2) Moderator Reviews

You're one of these!

(2) Senior Moderator Reviews

"Extract of Honesty," dripped

"Elixir of Respect," poured in generous amounts

"Syrup of Encouragement," drizzled

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Overall:
Okay, this made me laugh out loud, picturing your mother during the peak of her transformation, chasing you through the casino lobby. I react the same way whenever I gamble, which is rare. I don't want to leave either. I spend the entire time playing mind games with myself: okay, I'm sixteen dollars up, let's make a bigger bet or I'm only five dollars down, one good hit and then I can leave ahead. But of course, do I ever leave ahead? No, I rationalize myself right into the deficit I agreed I could live with when I began, a subtle and believable lie that convinces me that one-hundred dollars is not bad for the great time I had.

Slot Machine +

=

brainwashed

Anyway, having felt that instant addiction myself, it was very easy for me to slide into what made your short essay so funny. Short of just a couple comma issues I will mention below, this was a perfect short essay, a very entertaining read that I would recommend highly. By the way, I noticed that you have quite of few of these shorts in your portfolio. Collect them together around some central theme, and they would make a very good memoir.

Grammar/Spelling:
I have found some simple comma errors and pulled them out for you.

"...we bought this woman a Mercedes[,] she was so thrilled."

"...into that hollow bucket[,] thereby allowing us to hit the slot machines..."

"'Steve is moving the car[,] and we have got to leave before we get socked..."

"...casino[-]hopping retirees shaking their..."

Areas for Improvement:

Suggested Reword: "This was the last day of our mini vacation, and we were checking out."

"On the last day of our mini vacation, we had to meet our check-out time." The reason I suggested this reword was because of the chronology of the narrative. You spend the first few paragraphs setting us up (we are headed into your story) and then this particular paragraph keeps along the same path of initial description, even though it segues into the moment of the climax. It's very difficult for me to put into words what I mean, unfortunately. There has to be a story-arc to your narrative, and by using the word "this," it kind of deflates the motion of that arc. I hope this makes sense.

Excellent Writing Example(s):

"Following a win on one machine, she moved to another, and so on, until, well, let's face it, she got lost."

Goodness, this cracked me up! I can just picture this energetic granny having the time of her life mingling so far into the casino that she gets turned around but doesn't really care! Hilarious!

"She laughed about the recent eccentricities she displayed; concurrently clinging to that bucket of clinking coins all the way home."

Another very memorable moment for me, picturing your mother clutching her bucket of nickels in her lap as the effects of her addiction wore off and she slowly returned to normalcy.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to review your essay and allowing me to use that review in my recipe!
Just think of all the hungry ghouls and zombies that will enjoy quality food because of your generosity!

If you would like to participate and make your own review meals, see the following item:

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#1310280 by Brooklyn

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

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14 days may be credited.

#3911685

Review of Coffee

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Greetings, Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N)

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Coffee" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
Coffee, the drink that sustains so many of us when our body tells us to stop and rest. Your sentiment is universal. Just imagine, coffee didn't become widespread until the early European Renaissance to most of the world. Since it was only first discovered and cultivated in the middle east around 1600 in Yemen, the vast majority of human history has been without this wonderful bean. What a shame! But we are certainly making up for it now, no? Your clever poem about coffee uses a very effective convention -- personification. By giving coffee a sinister will of its own over your life, you create a very interesting tug-of-war in your poem. I also liked how you offset "coffee's" speech in brown, a nice visual touch.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There are some issues with your punctuation, but since this is a poem, I'll only offer a fix if you request it of me. If you wish, I could properly punctuate this poem for you in an email. Just let me know!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

As mentioned above, there are some areas of proper formatting that need some attention to make this as good as it can be. Generally, it's considered archaic to capitalize line-splits if there is not a full stop in the line above. Also, even though you are using short lines, a centering technique, and dialogue, you should still try to write in complete sentences, punctuating them properly through your lines. Again, I offer my help to you if you wish.

Suggested Reword: "My dark black color / Has to be your blood."

Here we have a flawed metaphor, because a color cannot be blood; it's not a one-to-one comparison. A metaphor is like a mathematical equation, with the word "is" or "are" as the equal sign. Both sides have to equal each other, or the metaphor is flawed. I humbly offer you these two rewords: "My dark black color / is the color of your blood" or "My dark black essence / pulses through your veins." Both of these suggestions balance the equation from either side, metaphorically. Only you can choose which one you prefer.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your shower. Keep writing and improving, my friend!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

46

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14 days may be credited.

#3911667

Review of Marriage

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Greetings, Lina Black-So Far Behind!!!

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Marriage" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
Hi Lina! I saw this form poem in your portfolio and decided to give you my thoughts on it, for I think it's very good. Form poetry can be a lot of fun, and when it's done correctly, it shows the poet's ability to craft language according to strict parameters. I appreciate you describing the parameters of the form at the bottom of the piece. That is a practice that is too often forgone by some poets, and it forces us to do the research ourselves to appreciate the effort. I will speak in the next section more specifically about how well you handled conventions, but overall, this is a great poem with a lot of forethought and creativity apparent in every word.

CONVENTIONS:
Okay, when we look at unorthodox form poetry, the form becomes our biggest convention. How can we use the form to act as an undercurrent of the meaning we are trying to convey? Your words forms the shape of a pyramid, which may not exactly shadow your theme of marriage without a serious stretch of the imagination. That is totally okay, however. To me, the actual shape of the words on the page is one of those things that adds to the poem but does not detract if unused. A good example of how the shape of the Etheree could be used to echo the meaning is a poem about "time" that is written as a double Etheree, forming the shape of an hourglass if centered. Setting aside the shape, let's look at your imagery and figurative language. You use evocative words like "match" and "bond" which speak to the idea of marriage. You also add a religious tint to the idea of matrimony by including the mention of "God" and "heaven." The poem is a little on the literal side, except for the last phrase "graced with harmony," which is a lovely sentiment. No matter how short our poems are, figurative language is what makes them stand out. In fact, the shorter they are, the more dense with meaning our words have to be.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

There is one thing I will call your attention to, but it's up to you. You could choose not to capitalize the words that begin each of your lines, for when they are capitalized, it makes us stop, thinking that a sentence was over and that we missed some meaning. I think your streaming thought in the Etheree would be better served if you only capitalized words on the left side of the poem if a new sentence is started. I looked up some of these on the web to see how others wrote them, and all follow standard capitalization rules. Here is the site:

http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/etheree....

Lend me your ear, (synecdoche) and I'll speak today of figurative language. I do not wish to beat a dead horse (hyperbole), but a poem without figurative language is like a Christmas tree without lights (simile). Symbolic language is the garnish, seasoning, and flavor of a home-cooked meal (metaphor). Figurative language reaches out and gooses a lover of poetry (personification), and its use lends the poet the ability to create subtle screams of meaning (oxymoron). Perfect poetry possesses a passion-play of colorfully conceived conventions (alliteration). When these figures of speech are used as tools, the poet begins to see his or her expression as a work of art, a unique composite of the self and not simply a color-coded stroll down another's owned road (assonance). It's the meticulous and judicious use of these devices within various poetry forms about an infinite number of subjects, a truly Shakespearian (allusion) effort to mold words, that creates distinctive and original poetry. I believe your poetry would benefit from bolstering your use of these tried-and-true poetic conventions.

Keep writing and improving, Lina!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3909777

Review of Realistic Dialogue

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings, Jeff

Just so you know,
I'm making a three-course meal with my reviews,
a trio of fiendishly disgusting concoctions
for the Halloween Review Stew presented by "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"

.

This review of your essay "Realistic Dialogue"

is a featured ingredient in Hairball Salad with Saliva Dressing, the first course of my meal. Here's the recipe:

(1) Registered Author Review

(1) Moderator Review

(2) Senior Moderator Reviews

You're one of these!

"Extract of Honesty," dripped

"Elixir of Respect," poured in generous amounts

"Syrup of Encouragement," drizzled

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Overall:
I've always enjoyed your newsletters, Jeff, and this one was no different. You have an effortless way about your writing that reads just like all those writing craft books I've read. When I was done reading your essay, I felt like I had learned valuable things. Your examples were perfect to illustrate your many points concerning the use of dialogue. I particularly liked the litmus test you provided of what each passage of dialogue should do. I had never heard that before, but it will resonate in my mind whenever I'm writing or reading dialogue. Does it either move the plot, develop character, or buy a laugh. That model is quite a useful editing tool which I have already attached to my work-belt. Your screenwriter friend who imparted this test on you is quite wise. Thank you for passing it along. Another interesting passage was your description of how a theatre audience can only truly use two of their five senses -- although my butt on a hard seat during a three-hour historical epic might disagree that the sense of touch isn't somehow represented in an indirect way. "Someone sitting in a theater can't smell or taste or touch what's happening on the screen and, unlike fiction, they're not reading description on the screen to tell them what sensations they should be experiencing." This was an excellent qualifier, for I've never considered that difference between fiction and film. Also, your illustration using the husband/wife and what they would and would not know when conversing was excellent and educational.

Natural Speech Patterns:
Other highlights for me included your examples of ordinary, natural speech. This is what I try to impart in my reviews concerning the use of contractions. I read, write, and review a lot of fantasy fiction, and I came to the realization a long time ago that contractions are not anathema to fantasy. It seems self-evident that in every conceivable language or dialect, even those originating on an alien world or some medieval-like fantasy realm, the basic rules of the use of language would still apply. People, no matter how much magic pulses through their veins or how many arms they have, will always try to find ways to speak faster in an effort to communicate more in less time. Thus, contractions. So, what it boils down to in our roles as author-as-translator for the reader is that even in fantasy fiction, your examples of natural speech still apply. I mean, we may be translating Elvish into English for our reader, why would we give that translation an unnatural syntax when almost assuredly the Elvish has built-in speech-patterns similar to English contractions? Shouldn't we be as faithful as possible in our translations?

Info Dummies:
Another point you made that I had not considered before was the idea of using our characters as reader-foils for info-dumps. This is so self-evident that I can't believe I had not realized it before. This summary sentence is worth a reprint in this review: "When you're writing a story in which the audience needs information explained to them, consider putting one of your characters in the same in-the-dark position as your reader... so that the explanation is both natural and needed." I have only read The DaVinci Code, not Angels and Demons, but I can remember reading it all in less than forty-eight hours, and I imagine that the fact that a lot of the complex information was imparted to me in dialogue had a lot to do with the quickness in which I turned the pages.

Grammar/Spelling:
I didn't find anything at all to comment on in these areas. Your essay is very well edited.

Areas for Improvement:

How to improve on this essay? When we get to a point that something we've written is masterfully edited for grammar, serves its purpose as an essential read for all writers, and looks aesthetically pleasing on the page ... what does a reviewer recommend for improvement? Expansion, my friend. That's all that's left -- create more of what you have excellently created.

Excellent Writing Example(s):

"The protagonist is running all over the world doing his thing and uncovering the conspiracies, and at certain points, he meets up with supporting characters who need to be debriefed. But the last thing you want is to spend a chapter writing about an exciting rooftop chase in Prague, and then have your protagonist meeting up with his contact in the next chapter, being asked what happened, and then starting in with, "Well first I jumped from the roof of the embassy to the rooftop of the adjacent hotel. They were chasing me as I jumped from there to..."

I notice this technique in a lot of the books I read, and I'm most appreciative when the author employs it. The simple-sentence summary you advise works like a code to what is already stored in our brains. When the code is brought to mind, the memory is recalled in all its glory from the actual description.

"My rule of thumb is to only use figures of speech which are readily understandable and are universally known. My list of words includes ain't, combined contractions (gonna, shoulda, woulda, coulda), kinda, wanna, -ing words shortened to in' (goin', havin', runnin', chasin', etc.), 'cause or 'cuz, etc"

Incredibly useful list, here, for I've often wondered about how acceptable these are.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to review your essay and allowing me to use that review in my recipe!
Just think of all the hungry ghouls and zombies that will enjoy quality food because of your generosity!

If you would like to participate and make your own review meals, see the following item:

FORUM

The Official Mod Review Blitz!

(E)
Now updated to review all case colors. Help make "Halloween Review Stew" and win prizes!
#1310280 by Brooklyn

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

48

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3909151

Review of Sophie's Father

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Official Paper Doll Gang Newbie Short Story Contest Review
by PatrickB

Entrants were charged with using award-winning photographs to prompt their stories.
You may view these incredible photographs by searching "2013 National Geographic Traveler Photo Contest."

Hello Osirantinous

:
I'm here today to judge your entry in

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1948649 by Not Available.

Thank you for submitting your story "Sophie's Father" .
I will be offering comments and a rating for your story based on (5) criteria put forth by the contest's instructions.
My rating along with the rating of Mandy will be added together to select a winner.

Creative/Stylistic Interpretation of Photo:

You did an excellent job using the photograph to spark your imagination. You incorporated the elements of the girl and the piano, as well as the location the photograph was taken. Although you did not use the age of the girl in the photograph, it seems that the emotion she is conveying may have been one of the original sparks of your story.

Narrative Voice:

I was pulled along quite well by your mixture of description and dialogue. I did not have any moments where I felt as if the author intruded upon the story. You made a direct beeline through the story that made it an enjoyable, quickly paced read. There was a lot of bounce to your scenes and dialogue and even more of those charming intangibles that are difficult to describe. I guess the best way to say it is that your characterization, setting, dialogue, and plot are all braided together almost flawlessly to produce a very enjoyable story.

Characters:

Here is where I think your story absolutely shines. We have three characters, and all of them are believable, dynamic, quirky, and well drawn. I particularly liked how you managed to channel Sophie's age through her actions, dialogue, body language, and value-system. Nailing the incomprehensibility of a fifteen-year-old's personality is no easy task, even for a fifteen-year-old writer. It's doubly difficult for an adult. I just felt a lot of sincerity and genuine emotions from all three of your characters.

Plot:

Like your characters, the plot of your story is stellar. The situation is absolutely realistic but at the same time, unbelievable in its details. It reads like real-life and brings to mind the old saying: "truth is stranger than fiction." In this case, you have created a realistic fictional situation that would qualify as an incredible real-life situation, an extremely hard thing to accomplish with a story. The arc of your story is perfect in its simplicity. This is Anabel's last chance to reconnect with Drew and also Sophie's last chance to meet her father. That is the primary conflict of the story, and you resolve it beautifully with a traditional and tasteful happy ending.

Grammar/Spelling:

I was slowed down considerably in my reading by numerous punctuation errors. There were quite a few instances where commas were not used to properly set off independent and dependent clauses.

Overall:
This was a charming story with an excellent build-up, great pace, and a feel-good happy ending. It needs a serious edit for grammar and punctuation, but overall, this is a definite keeper. With a sub-plot or two and a nuanced twist or three, I could see this as a very good film.

Total

's: 19.5 out of 25

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49

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14 days may be credited.

#3908661

Review of Being Lilly Munster

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Greetings, very thankful

This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

!

It is my privilege to review "Being Lilly Munster" .
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL:
While you are away, we've been taking a gander at our portfolio. I've read several of your poems, but decided to give you some feedback on this one, for it is an excellent start on a short moment-in-time expression. With this expression, you're describing how much fun the narrator had dressed up as Lilly Munster and trick-or-treating for Halloween. This is the type of poem where you must squeeze the life out of every single word you place, and make them do more than one job. Let's look at the first stanza and see how you did on this. I love your first line, because it has two words doing double-duty: "raven" and "following." As we're writing poetry, we often want to use words that are not expected or that have a clever, unorthodox connotation. Okay, so you begin by describing your narrator's hair. You could have written "Black hair flowing in the wind," but that is too literal and not very poetic. Instead, you say "Raven hair following in the wind." Just look at the difference that makes to the imagery of the poem.

Ravens are black, so it nails the color, but it also adds all the history and connotation that comes with the idea of "raven"-ness. What comes to mind for a reader? Halloween, Edgar Allan Poe, Alfred Hitchcock, a bird eating a dead body, a portent of ill-times, just a general sense of shadows and evil. So, when we read about your narrator's hair described as "raven," you get the black color, but also all these other things attached to it. That, my friend, is figurative language: words used that evoke more than one feeling or sense. The simple adjective "black" is nowhere near as loaded with imagery as "raven." Now, your choice of a verb is also very well considered. Most of us would use the word "flowed," but you chose "followed," and this makes all the difference. By telling us that her hair "followed," it gives the hair its own identity -- its own will, even -- and makes it seem larger than life. The reason I spend so much time pointing out these two examples is because this is what separates average poetry from great, a keen attention to how each word adds density and imagery to what your trying to relate. "Lips blood red" is also good, with "blood" adding yet more imagery. Incidentally, I had to look up oyster dress, thinking "oyster" was a color, but I found that this is actually a very interesting type of bridesmaid gown. All in all, I enjoyed your little poem and the way in which you infuse so much density into so few number of words.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I didn't see anything in these areas that needed attention.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I had one little suggested concerning your repetition of the word "now" in the last stanza. I like the instance of the first, but not the second. I think if you removed that second "now," the poem would read better, and you would get more impact out of the last phrase.

I offer you the general advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE:

"Raven hair following in the wind,"

I could talk about this line all day, because it is a picture-perfect example of how to make your words dense with imagery, a hard lesson for many poets as they move from mediocre literal poems to spectacular figurative ones.

I hope you're having a nice break and plan to return to us soon!
Thanks for sharing your talent with us!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

50

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3907839

Review of The Long Wait, Part 1

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Greetings, druid

Just so you know,
I'm making a three-course meal with my reviews,
a trio of fiendishly disgusting concoctions
for the Halloween Review Stew presented by "The Official Mod Review Blitz!"

.

This review of your chapter is a featured ingredient in Hairball Salad with Saliva Dressing, the first course of my meal. Here's the recipe:

(1) Registered Author Review

This is you!

(1) Moderator Review

(2) Senior Moderator Reviews

"Extract of Honesty," dripped

"Elixir of Respect," poured in generous amounts

"Syrup of Encouragement," drizzled

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion.
Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Overall:
I have to say that the one thing I feel the most after reading your first chapter is how you conveyed Ru's emotions about not only losing Myra, but also getting her back. Your style of prose helped you a lot there: the disjointed thoughts, the contradictions in thought, feelings, and what was said, and the way you used present tense to involve the reader. The choice of second person, which I will spoke more about below, sits nice in this instance, for it makes Ru's anguish more immediate. We as readers feel as if we are voyeurs watching this man fall apart, pleading with his love why she should not abandon him. There were some grammatical issues I have pulled out for you, and couple rewords, but for the most part, this piece was pretty polished. Below, I give you some specific advice on how you can make a great chapter even better and offer you an action plan to guide you.

I Speak of "You," Tensely:
You use some unorthodox techniques in your chapter -- second-person present tense is surely one of the most difficult point-of-view/tense combinations I can imagine to keep straight. And in the middle of all of this, you have an integrated flashback that is second-person past tense. I will admit that these conventions do wonders in conveying the emotion of the chapter, and I'm certainly not recommending a different approach. The only thing I would mention is that you have to be extra careful that all of this is done effectively and does not lead to reader confusion. Second person is very powerful when done correctly, for it reads like a dedication to whoever "you" is -- in this case, Myra. Second person ramps up the tension, displaying even more that Ru is desperate and pleading with Myra to see how much she means to him. "This is what you do to me" or "You still do not know what you mean to me" gives you as the author another brush in which to paint Ru as a desperate man pursuing the woman he loves and suffering for that pursuit for a decade.

Grammar/Spelling:
I have found some grammatical errors, and pulled them out for you here. ▼

Areas for Improvement:

I just wanted to caution you again about your shift in tenses. There is a lot going on here for the reader, and inappropriate tense shifts are jarring. I might even recommend that you segment the flashback in italics to help the reader stay in the correct tense. Here is where the flashback begins: "A tearful goodbye for both of us, though I like to fool myself that you didn't hear it in my voice. We'd become way too close over the previous few months. All-encompassing, our passion for each other had taken over both of our lives." It occurs pretty close to the beginning of the story, so we are just getting use to the present tense, and you switch it on us. I just wanted to point these out to you and explain why I recommend a use of italics to set off your flashback.

I noticed a few examples where you place your end punctuation outside of quotation marks. The style is that everything that is a part of the sentence should go inside the quotes.

There were several instances where you used numerals in place of numbers. Literary style dictates that we always spell out whole integers. I've pulled out each instance for you here. ▼

Suggested Reword: "You had been getting a hard time at home about your time spent online and I had finally been placed on..."

"You were getting pressure at home about your time spent online, and I had finally been placed on..."

Plan of Action:
This plan of action is my advice on what I would do to improve your chapter in a set, particular order. Your are free to disregard this (or anything I say, of course). The Plan of Action I offer is only a strategy to follow if you feel you need one as you revise.

First, I would suggest going in and correcting the punctuation errors and pondering my other advice. This helps the next reviewer immensely.

Second, figure out a way to rework your flashback so that the shift in tense is not so jarring to the reader.

Third, give this chapter another coat of paint. Read each line and paragraph carefully and see where you can enhance a reader's immersion by engaging the five senses. I believe this is crucial in your narrative! I know it's hard, trust me I do. It does get easier the more you do it, and you really improve as a storyteller by making yourself squeeze every word for as much as it's worth.

Excellent Writing Example(s):

"I took two weeks off work, unable to face anyone. I returned in the end, quieter, broken, with no lust for life, my happiness burned out of me by the loss of you."

You paint this man's heartbreak with a very powerful brush, my friend.

"I take pity on you, on both of us, and try to break through the uncomfortable, slow, "niceness" that is getting us nowhere."

This is very crisp prose that describes well the tense awkwardness of the moment. You have built up a lot of reader sympathy for Ru by this point, and the pay-off is still in doubt.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to review your chapter and allowing me to use that review in my recipe!
Just think of all the hungry ghouls and zombies that will enjoy quality food because of your generosity!

If you would like to participate and make your own review meals, see the following item:

FORUM

The Official Mod Review Blitz!

(E)
Now updated to review all case colors. Help make "Halloween Review Stew" and win prizes!
#1310280 by Brooklyn

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Reviewing Reviewers,
The Novel Workshop, The Paper Doll Gang, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .