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Review Style
A review you purchase from me will always be proofread, thorough, and carefully considered. I try to strike a balance between encouragement and honesty. What you can expect from me is a discussion of what your piece said to me as I read it and strategies for what I thought could be improved. I also point out specifically any errors that I found in the piece (although if it is a repeating problem, I will explain this deficiency generally rather than try to fix each and every one). I always keep my reviews conversational and positive. I'm generous with praise, and I try to speak with confident authority in areas where I have some knowledge. I approach each review I do with the idea that the best way to help someone become a better writer is to model that behavior to the best of my ability. Reviews that contain multiple grammatical and/or spelling errors, present incomplete thoughts, or show a lack of effort do not send a good message to those receiving the reviews concerning my advice.
I'm good at...
Grammar, spelling, sentence and paragraph structure, vocabulary (word choice), characters, dialogue
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller, Drama
Least Favorite Genres
Nothing really. I'll give anything a look.
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Flash Fiction, Poetry, Personal Narratives and Essays
Least Favorite Item Types
Nothing really. I'll give anything a look, from contests to group pages to forums to activity rules. If you want someone to take a look at your activity and give it a review, let me know! I'll try to locate inconsistencies in rules and guidelines.
I will not review...
The only items I will not review through this system are novel chapters. I would much rather trade services and make you review mine as I review yours. If you are interested in setting this up, feel free to email me.
Public Reviews
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126
126
Review of MAD COW DISEASE?  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Invalid Item" 
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item" 


I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
I really enjoyed this excellent poem. I laughed at loud at the end. This is truly an enjoyable read, and I recommend it highly. One thing, however. I was wondering about something. Since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, allow me to phrase my question in the format of your poem:

So much wit and charm does this grand poem hold,
A fearsome plague in town and don't know how!
One question, near the end, begs to be told,
If the man's a pig, is his wife the cow?

Answers to this question can be directed to my email. *ducks*

CONVENTIONS:
This poem has the lyric quality of a limerick. Your great dialect maintains a wonderful rhythm and rhyme scheme. There is a tongue-in-cheek quality to the entire poem that spreads the wit on thick like peanut butter and the irony drips like jelly. The fact that the subject-matter wraps up into a punchline is the best part. The quotes, dialect, idioms, and invectives are the ornaments on the tree!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee found nothing at all to complain about here.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I think this poem is as good as it needs to be. I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there if inspiration strikes. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say. I do have one question. Why is the title capitalized? I am not a fan of "all caps," but that is just my personal opinion. Consider asking around to see if others are distracted by this.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"a plague not seen since filthy fleas."
--I love this reference back to the Bubonic plague. Also, the phrase "filthy fleas" is a great use of alliteration.
"From tainted meat not bugs' behinds,"
--Haha! Again, excellent alliteration with "bugs' behinds." Not to mention hilarious!
"When peasants, paupers, Kings and Queens
served modest meals to fancied feasts,
their guests grew tired of rice and beans,
but few dared munch on butchered beasts."
--This is my favorite stanza for rhythm and rhyme. It pours off the tongue and has great imagery! Bravo!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! This poem is lively, witty, funny, ironic, clever, and an excellent example of how poetic conventions can be used to enhance a wonderful joke.

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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127
127
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
A PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Invalid Item" 
A PatrickB “DEAR FRIEND” Review: This review of your work is my pleasure as I weave my way through your wonderful portfolio and increase our friendship day-by-day.

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
I had my son Casey come over and read this story to me for story time this evening! He loved it! Now I will get to hear "When are we going to get to go to the circus?" for the next five years! Casey really liked the story, especially the part about Jess possibly getting to help set up the circus. An adorable story, Pat. Jess is a great character and would make a fine protagonist in a short book of stories like this! Your prose-style here is a joy!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee says that everything is perfect, here! Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I have nothing really to suggest for improvement except for more stories like this. As it is, this piece is ideal for 7-9 year-olds. It reminds me of the Henry Reed series I used to read when I was that age, adventure and wonders at every turn of the page!

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Ma said, in a softer tone, 'A watched kettle never boils.' "
--Charming use of a saying!
"He was greeted by all sorts of men and ladies. Some were like the men he knew, but others were very different. There was a really tall man, and a very short man. The largest woman he had ever seen was riding in one of the wagons. One woman even had a beard! "
--This paragraph really features your gift for unobtrusive description. There is just enough here to be fascinating, yet it reads so effortlessly.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Casey wants to know if you have any more stories about Jess. What can you do? From my generation on, we are all about series, sequels, and more, more, more! Will see you again soon, dear friend!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1735780 by Not Available.
128
128
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review: This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a very sad tale of a little boy lost, alone, and frightened. A more depressing scene I cannot imagine. This short piece pulls at the heart-strings in a way that does not fall into the pit of oversentimentality. All one has to do is imagine that in the war-torn regions of the world, there are surely those mentally-disabled children who suffer. If war is terrifying and heartbreaking to a "normal" child, how much more horrible must it be for those who are not even equipped to understand what is happening? The revelation at the end is tear-worthy.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee noticed nothing glaring about your grammar, spelling, or punctuation. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would suggest combing over this short piece and making every single word count. It is fine as it is, but it can always be improved.

There are also two small edits that I would suggest:

"Sheets of metal glowed, illuminating a world of a world of rubble and wreckage."
--There seems to be a doubling typo in this sentence.
"Sidestepping holes and circuiting craters..."
--I am not sure if "circuiting" is effective used as an adjective. Might I suggest "circular" instead?


FAVORITE LINE(S):
"He shivered, yet the night was anything but cold."
--This is a very effective sentence in that it shows the physical effect the violence is having on Corbin.
"It reminded him of the orange light at the end of the sticks the man dangled from his mouth."
--I always love sentences that reinterpret something common as a narrator might see it. This is a great description of how Corbin might see cigararettes. Not to mention that it is a great simile to describe the blast.
"Positioning them with great detail, he received comfort from their symmetry and balance.
--This is my favorite line and the best evidence of your excellent writing talent. There is much truth and believability in this activity by Corbin. He is autistic and would totally distract himself with this type of repetitive and creative mind exercise.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! You have written a piece of quality flash fiction. Bravo!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#1735780 by Not Available.
129
129
Review of Forgiveness  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review: This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
Your message to the faithful and your personal journey in the poem are remarkable. You have made many excellent statements concerning your path forgiveness. While this poem is not as perfect as it could be, it is still a winning expression of your own heart and seems to mean a lot to you. Hopefully with the following advice you can make it even better.

CONVENTIONS:
For the most part, your rhythm and rhyme are not bad. The problem with both conventions is a lack of consistency. In poetry, the attempt at consistency and symmetry is best either when it is perfectly rendered or else not attempted at all. If you try to impose rhyme and rhythm on a poem, and fall short, it becomes glaring. You use the scheme AABB in your stanzas, yet you haphazardly mix regular with irregular rhyme. For instance: "...day" and "...way" rhyme perfectly in the last stanza, but "...go" and "sown" rhyme irregularly in the fourth. In fact, out of the twenty couplets you have written, fourteen have regular and six irregular end-rhymes. Unfortunately, this becomes a weakness of form because there does not seem to be a pattern. Your rhythm is not as big of a problem, but the number of syllables it takes to get to the end rhyme are also haphazard. In quality poetry, there is nothing left to chance. Everything about it -- from the words to the form and the conventions -- are important. A weakness in any, weakens the entire poem. Please see below for advice on how to improve your conventions.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee noticed a few instances of improper comma placements. Please visit "Invalid Item" , all rules, for a discussion on clauses, phrases, and proper comma placement. There are also a couple instances where you fail to end a line with a necessary period.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
First and foremost, keep your wording for the most part. Your poem is really good, your message is worthy, and your phraseology and imagery are top-notch. Weaknesses in rhyme, rhythm, and grammar pull this down, however. First, I would reword your six irregular rhyming couplets (stanzas: 2b, 3b, 4b, 5b, 8a, and 9b). When this is done, consider finding a meter that you can use to adjust the remainder of the poem around. Problematic stanzas include: 5, 6, and 9. Once all this is done, proofread for punctuation, including commas and periods. One thing concerning content. You spend a lot of time talking about your anger, yet you never clue the reader into what was eating you so badly inside. I think this poem would be so much more cleansing for you and effective for us if you work that in somehow.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Then through my anguish, I hear Him again,
His voice coming from outside and in,
Forgiveness my child, just let it all go,
This hate that you feel is killing you slow."
--This is my favorite stanza. It's message and wording is excellent, and it does not have any rhyme or rhythm problems. This should be a model for the rest of your stanzas.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I apologize for being so harsh. I really think you have a great poem here, but your execution needs some work. I would love the opportunity to rerate and review a new version. Please send it along in an email if you wish.

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#1735780 by Not Available.
130
130
Review of Deep Well  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review:
This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!
A PatrickB “GROUP LEADER” Review:
This review is given to one of nine wonderful leaders of the best review group on WDC, Simply Positive.

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
Sometimes, we are in a rut. Sometimes, our defeating behaviors paralyze us into negative life-trends and pin us in place, like a butterfly on a display board. This poem is a wonderful expression of how we must make the changes ourselves to ensure that we are always improving and moving in a positive direction. I am reminded of one of my favorite song lyrics by guitarist/songwriter Jerry Cantrell, who wrote: "Take the time to pull the weeds choking flowers in your life." This poem echoes that sentiment very well.

CONVENTIONS:
The greater metaphor of the "well of life" is apt. As I read, I pictured an abandoned well, crawling all over with vines and creepers, the entrance choked and useless. The act of "dropping the bucket" becomes the conscious act to make the changes needed. Suddenly, the "stagnant" water is stirred and the flow is restored. This a poem that relies almost exclusively on a metaphor, and that is fine. It does not have a decipherable rhyme or meter, nor really a symmetrical form at all. In my humble opinion, the metaphor and message is strong enough to carry this expression to quality. One last thing: you end three of your four stanzas with the word "within." To add yet another unifying factor and symmetry, I think if you added this to the end of your third stanza, you would not change your meaning and add an the effective convention of repetition.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee found nothing here worth mentioning. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't often suggest rewording in poetry, for it is such a unique expression to the poet. However, there is one line in the first stanza that gave me a bit of pause. I think that the article "the" is needed before "Well of Life.". I would not suggest this if the word "surrounding" did not precede it. It becomes awkward and incomplete. I also offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Clear the path
To find the water
Stagnant and treading
Silently within"
--This is my favorite stanza. It is concise and describes exactly how the abandoned well of the innerself appears before action is taken to clear it away. "Stagnant" is such a great word, here!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I enjoyed this simple yet quality poetic metaphor!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#1735780 by Not Available.
131
131
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Invalid Item" 
A PatrickB “GROUP LEADER” Review:
This review is given as a gift to one of nine wonderful leaders of the best review group on WDC, Simply Positive.

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE: *CoffeeV*
As I sip my hot cup of coffee, I enjoy this ode to the greatest drink known to humanity. How do I drink it you ask? I like dark roast, lightly creamed with non-dairy, and two packs of artificial sweetener. I do not like new-fangled coffees, but the old stand-by, percolated in my Bunn -- no milk, no cream, no caramel latte-dottie-pottie-cappacino-mochacino-Al Pacino nonsense! This great poem is universal in its appeal, for once coffee becomes a part of you, it is a lifestyle. It sheds the "addiction" label because it is not necessarily bad for you. Short of water, it may be the most innocuous substance known. It's not fattening (in its pure form), it's not psychoactive, you can drink it and drive, I can even give it to my kids and not go to jail (unless I am sent for just plain utter stupidity!)

CONVENTIONS:*CoffeeV*
This has a light and airy feel to it, not taking itself too seriously. I instantly liked it! I like how you book-end the stanzas, a nice coda at the end. Your rhyme is smooth and well done. Although a more jittery rhythm may have worked ... what is a jittery rhythm, you ask? I have no clue, maybe we should invent one! It would be great onomatopeaia! Maybe something like this:

I-it is n-not an addiction
A lifestyle it has b-become
So p-please reflect back on this
NOW LET US GO HAVE SOME! AHHH!

*shrugs* Don't ask...

GRAMMAR/SPELLING: *CoffeeV*
The Grammar Bee is sipping tea and turning her nose up at us. She refuses to edit. Good thing there is nothing wrong here! I have this urge to take the lemon wedge she left on my counter and squirt it in her eye, but she would just sting me!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:*CoffeeV*
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):*CoffeeV*
"It's warm on a cold morning
Soothing as the sun does rise
Calming as the moon crests
Comforting when the cloud cries"
--I love this stanza! It's the best of the poem. It rhymes so well and is filled with so much imagery. And, of course, I agree. There is no bad time for coffee!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I lift my cup to you and sip! Cheers!*CoffeeV*

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#1735780 by Not Available.
132
132
Review of Monopoly Spies  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Invalid Item" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
Wow, what a wonderful premise for a novel! I have a history degree and have read heaps concerning World War II, and I had never heard of this before. This was a very enjoyable read in many respects. Great effort!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee noticed a couple things she would like to point out to you. There were a few instances where you have misplaced commas or not placed them where they belong. She recommends taking a look at "Invalid Item" , specifically Rule #2. Here are also two specific edits:

"A room filled with maps of different Nazi prison camps, small carvings and mementoes saved by so many survivors, Secret Service documents, so censored that it was like reading hieroglyphics before the Rosetta Stone filled out exhibit, with her most honored artifact sitting in the rocking chair, Mr. Sam."
--This sentence is problematic but easily fixed. Here is my recommendation: "The room that filled out the exhibit contained maps of different Nazi prison camps, small carvings and mementoes saved by survivors, and Secret Service documents so censored that it was like reading hieroglyphics before the Rosetta Stone. And Mr. Sam, the most valuable artifact of all, would be seated in a rocking chair in the middle."
“ 'I sure did.' Camille winked and smilled at Sam."
--Typo, here ("smiled")

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
This story is literally bursting at the seams for more words. Its truncation is almost a fatal flaw. As it is, the idea is so epic and grand that it cannot possibly be contained effectively as flash fiction. It could work as a short story, certainly, but it would need to be much longer, including Mr. Sam's story of escape. This is a wonderful idea but only the tip of an iceberg. I do so hope you think to extend it. It will take a lot of work, but the idea is a winner!

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"She kept a wonderful diary, filled with details that if the Nazis prevailed, she easily could have been charged with treason."
--Excellent sentence; informative and filled with much characterization. Entries from this diary would also make for a wonderful story in its own right!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! You have an awesome idea here and if you expand, please let me know!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#1735780 by Not Available.
133
133
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Poe's Daughter" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This is such a wonderful essay and character sketch, told with an attention to detail and a copious amount of love. After reading, I feel as if I know your great grandmother. Learning about a woman so happy and bright renews my faith in humanity. This is someone who learned what few of us ever do: how to enjoy life to the fullest. As a character sketch, you paint an excellent and complete picture of a very unique woman, not only sharing her memory with the rest of us but doing tribute to your own heritage. This is not a story as much as it is a personal essay, and in that format it works and seems complete. I see a place for this in a magazine or in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
This seems to have been very well-edited already. The Grammar Bee found nothing to huff about. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
There was one area where I was a bit confused. I knew from the title that she would eventually suffer from senility, but the transition to that point is a bit vague. The first indication that she was not "all there" was the first mention of making a meal for the pope. Maybe just before this sentence, at about the same time you mention her entering the nursing home, you could give the reader a dianosis of her actual condition. I would also say that this is one of those rare pieces that is fine the length it is or else could be enhanced by the addition of even more details.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Claudette never raised her voice, delivered a harsh word or missed a day of church. She baked soft, heavenly loaves of white bread and harbored an addiction to Wilson’s boxed chocolates, which she playfully called “wishes."
--This is superior writing and description, characterization and vocabulary. Every word is perfect.
"Sometimes Claudette would be waiting for you to arrive, anxious to tell you about the meal she was preparing that day for the Pope."
--This is not so much sad as it is humorous; I would daresay that was your intention. This piece seems to celebrate a wonderful woman, who even in her senility lived a better life than most.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I appreciate this glimpse into the life of your beautiful great grandmother. I am sure she was (is?) a remarkable woman!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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134
134
Review of Beltane  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review: This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Invalid Item" 
A PatrickB “DEAR FRIEND” Review: This review of your work is my pleasure as I weave my way through your wonderful portfolio and increase our friendship day-by-day.
A PatrickB “FAVORITE AUTHOR” Review: This review is of an author’s work I find particularly fascinating and worthwhile.

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a well done opening to a beautiful love story. There is mysticism, romance, emotion, sub-plots, and great writing. What else could one want from the beginning of a novel? I highly recommend you continue with this.

STYLE/VOICE:
I continue to be amazed at your raw talent. Your writing voice is one of the best I have ever read. You seem to write effortlessly, the words coming to you easily and without stumbling. In a very short beginning, you have snagged the reader and created a fascinating world of pagan mysticism and subtle fantasy, romance and drama.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee wants to help you with a problem you are having with your commas. She has decided to do a short line-by-line in an effort to remedy this small problem and she would like for you to take the time to study "Invalid Item" , all rules.

"They begin to slip away from the firelight, No comma here and wander into the depths of the woods, where they will wait to be found."

"I should be slipping a ring out of my pocket right now, No comma here and declaring my undying love for her."

" 'I need some time,' and now I am the one who is pleading."
--This sentence needs an attribution, such as "...he said, and now I am..."

"Tears are flowing freely down her cheeks now, and her voice climbs with panic, “I need you!”
--Consider putting a period after "panic" and beginning a new sentence with the quote.

" I try not to think about how Janelle will feel, No comma here when she wakes up alone."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
The grammar revisions, of course, but after that I recomment more, more, more. This would be a great prologue to a story about Keiran's homecoming some time later. This would be a great first chapter to a story if he was setting out into the wider world. Either way, it works.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Spring flowers are wound into the loose tendrils of her raven hair and her feet are bare beneath the hem of her blue dress."
--This is an excellent example of your gift for wonderful, descriptive sentences. Every word is perfect and adds a brushstroke to the picture. Be sure to add a comma between "hair" and "and," though, as that is a conjuction seperating two independent clauses.
"Better, if her last memory of me is bathed in faerie light. "
--This is such a wonderful sentence and sentiment.
"I creep up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist, letting my hands run over the silk fabric covering her stomach. A small sigh escapes her lips, as I trail kisses down the side of her neck. Her mouth searches for mine, and when I feel her melt into my arms, I lay her down on the mossy bank of the stream. Her eyes reflect the glow of the stars, until I kiss her and they flutter closed."
--This is beautiful romance writing!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I am a big fan of your work and will be back soon for another visit! If you expand this, let me know because I want to read it!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#1735780 by Not Available.
135
135
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
A PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Invalid Item" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
Wow, what an exciting little read, so full of atmosphere and indelible imagery. I have to admit that your twist got me. I was expecting one thing and got another. I will not discuss this further, for I don't want to ruin it for the next reader. Just let me say that I am quite satisfied I got my money's worth.

POINT OF VIEW:
This is really the device that delivers the story. It is the child-like repetition of phrases and musings that set it apart. I love reading a twist-story and then going back and repainting the entire story with that new knowledge. That is part of the appeal of twists. I mean, everyone who didn't catch it to begin with watched Sixth Sense at least a second time to see the clues laid along the way. I enjoyed doing that with this story as well.

PACING:
This is a perfect example of how flash fiction can succeed on its own merits. The build up is perfect, not a word wasted. You deliver at exactly the right time. No boredom here!

DESCRIPTION:
Again, the repetition of phrases sets the style. The statements about the arguing and the one-sided conversation to "Mr. Moon" really do so many jobs -- setting, action, characterization. This is what a clever author does in flash fiction.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee had no issues jump out at her concerning your grammar. The short, choppy sentence structure, which may detract from a more adult point of view, totally works told from the point of view of a child.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't really have any suggestions for improvement. Nothing is wasted nor added unecessarily.

FAVORITE PASSAGES(S):
"They scare me when there's a full moon. They always chain me in the basement on those nights. Sometimes they hit me, too. They're real scary when Mr.Moon is full."
--Here is your first feignt, your first deflection. I used these as well when I was writing "Penelope's Gambit." How you manipulate the reader in a short story -- especially one with a twist ending -- is the key to the story's success.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I really enjoyed this story!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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136
136
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review:
This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!
A PatrickB “GROUP LEADER” Review:
This review is given to one of nine wonderful leaders of the best review group on WDC, Simply Positive.

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This was such a wonderful, uplifting story, speaking to the best of human traits: generosity. Your prose is effortless and the story reads very easily and is quite entertaining. I also liked that we never find out the identity of the philanthropist, although, as readers, that is a juicy secret we crave by the end. I think your decision not to reveal it is more plausible and realistic, though. Your opening paragraph is by far your best, setting the scene and tone with such grace and ease.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee found nothing at all to complain about with your writing. It is flawless and stylish. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Since this written for a prompt, I would only suggest slight expansion. You could add another half to it, fleshing out the narrator a bit. This, however, is not necessary, as the story works perfectly fine as it is.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"I suppose it was nice, in a way, to know that so many people felt I was worth a few bucks and a sentiment on my birthday;"
--This is a great example of your excellent prose style. This sentence is the work of a master storyteller.
"But it did have a mystery about it; an intrigue that made it infinitely more noticeable than any of the expensive gifts surrounding it."
--Yet another example of perfect prose.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I love stories that are uplifting and have a happy ending.

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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137
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A "Invalid Item"  "Weekly" Review by PatrickB
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see: "Invalid Item" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
A gripping and immersing poem about a corrupted soul and its redemption, this one promises and delivers. The juxtaposition of the narrator at the beginning with the narrator at the end is a slow, methodical -- but never boring! -- transition. The narrator finds a victim who holds up a mirror every day to his or her behavior and also finds a love that breaches the container that holds the guilt of past behavior at bay. From beginning to end, this expression is about transformation, from grub to butterfly, and every stage in between.

CONVENTIONS:
There is so much going on here that it is difficult to know where to start. The rhythm and rhyme scheme are ingenious, the stanza forms symmetrical and aesthetically pleasing. I particularly like the use of internal rhyme, breaking up the last three lines of a verse into a limmerick-style triplet. This really works well, when read aloud. The imagery if so dense and layered. Prison, assassins, stealth, theft, selfishness, exploitation all gives way to love, mercy, enlightenment, and redemption for the narrator. The sixth stanza is like a fulcrum, and incidentally, the only stanza where the pronoun "we" can be found. It is this moment were the poem finds its balance, and it is also the threshold of the transformation. I am also a really big fan of how you use italics to great effect. Whether it is meant as as a bolding effect or else highlighting important moments, it works here.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee has no complaints with anything here.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Look hard at me with open eyes,
And see abuses I devise"
--I love how you make the narrator like a circus barker here; the arrogant smugness is not lost on the reader, for you make it so obvious that it sets the scene for the implausible redemption.
"As karma wins
And anguish pins
My days engulf me with my sins."
--Here is the moment where the narrator begins to turn. The use of karma is telling, as is the revelation of guilt eating away daily at the narrator.
"Deceitful ways
Have set ablaze
My reckoning - with painful days."
--This is a beautiful triplet, with imagery of fire and pain. The just rewards of the narator's efforts at manipulation, but you present it so that we are moved to sympathy.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! This is a complex and meaningful poem, to be sure! I look forward to reading more of your work.

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of La' Guillotine  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A "Invalid Item"  "Weekly" Review by PatrickB
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see: "Invalid Item" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a fascinating period in world history, where one of humanity's greatest creations -- the divine right monarchy -- is collapsing with the swell of severed heads. The narrator here watches his love beheaded for her complicity and loyalty to the ancien regime, the reactionary foundation of European society at this time. Both are caught up in the turbulence of the Revolution, and the subtle political undertones of this poem are truly overshadowed by the tragedy of a senseless murder and love lost. As a poem with such literary and powerful subject matter, it is not without its flaws. However, it is almost there. At its heart, this poem is a narrative one, telling a story.

CONVENTIONS:
I really love your unique five-line rhyme scheme -- AABBC DDEEC. The echoing fifth verse end-rhyme is effective and gives the poem unity. Although this may have been subconsious on your part, the five lines create a "star"-effect, a five-pointed unity, and a five-pointed star represents both liberty as well as the Republic. This is a wonderful convention and use of format to illustrate subject matter.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee noticed two spelling errors that she would like to call to your attention. In the third line of the first stanza, "cue," I believe, should be "queue." In the first line of the eighth stanza, "guard" is misspelled.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
What I think is needed is a careful line-by-line examination, omitting and adding words and phrases that fit better within a more consistent rhythm. Your five-pointed stanza and rhyme scheme are master strokes, but a little tweaking could not hurt to match your rhythm. Also, because this poem is so long and with so many words, you may consider finding places to add a simile or two and also some more French imagery, especially as pertains to the Revolution.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"One by one the line gets smaller.
One by one our France grows taller."
--This is a very telling and symbolic statement on how with each beheading, the "France" of the people gets stronger. Very good use of language, here.
"She bows her head at God’s own name,
She blesses Him, The Three and Same."
--I like how you describe the trinity in this verse. I might even recommend that you replace "blesses" to "crosses" to nail the dogmatic gesture even more.
France, at its religious heart, is Catholic, and I think she would cross herself before the end.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! You have a very audacious and ambitious poem here that, with a little work, can be a dazzler! If you edit and would like a new review and rating, please just send the new version in an email.

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of The Painting  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review:
This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a very sad and emotional piece. My heart went out to the narrator in every sense. The only thing that I was missing is the idea of time scale. A couple possibilities present itself, but because I am unsure, I have to say that this may need to be clarified. Was this young French girl whisked away into a memory of a former life? The time distance you mention of 100 years confused me. Was she visiting Paris only a few years after losing her love to war? I think maybe a sentence or two clearing up this confusion is needed. Other than that, you reveal to me that you are just as talented in prose as you are with your poetry. I am a big fan of your work! Also, let me say that you write to the prompt very well!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee noticed no infractions or anything needing your attention in these areas.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Just let me reiterate the time scale confusion. Other than that, how can one not wish for expansion for this piece? It is so packed with emotion and story that we, as readers, are drooling for more. We want to experience that farewell scene; we want to bask in the heartbreak and injustice perpetrated on those young hearts. We also want to know more about how the narrator was able to overcome this loss and make a life for herself. For some reason I am reminded of Rose in Titanic and how, at the end, we see all those wonderful photographs where she is riding a horse and flying in an airplane, leading the life she knew Jack would want her to lead, of excitement and adventure. I get the same sense here for this young French girl. I want to know how she managed to overcome the loss.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"My white dress billowed around me as I struggled to smooth it and hold onto my parasol. The parasol gave me the illusion of being protected."
--This is such a wonderfully descriptive sentence. I see the dress! Bravo!
"All that remains for all time, is a shattered shell of a French girl, standing on a hillside, holding a parasol, captured forever in a painting."
--This is so sad!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I want more! Please consider expanding this heartfelt wisp of romance!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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140
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review:
This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a charming story, if a bit "written to the prompt." But, of course, that is what great ideas like "Writer's Cramp" are for, to get you a good story started, to get to the point of what it is you want to write. The items listed for the story unfortunately distracted from the main theme, that of friendship and romance. It wouldn't have been as jarring had I not known from the beginning about the items inserted for the prompt. All this being said, there is no way I am going to mark your rating down for including the mandatory writing prompts, just realize that if you wished to publish and/or expand the story, three of the elements may hinder the quality. The Rubik's Cube, I think, is a nice addition, but then it is also the only one that is mentioned within the story's context. Maybe that is why it works.

PLOT:
This short piece needs a little bit more explanation, and now that you are not constrained by the prompt rules, I believe a little more description of the setting and character interaction is necessary. How did the narrator come to run across a total stranger while walking alongside a river? Just a few tweaks here and there, some well-place description is all that is needed, I think.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee noticed nothing glaring, except for the punctuation you used in eleventh paragraph while describing John's eyes. That is a wonderful paragraph, and I believe you should omit "His smile was... " and just begin your sentence with "It was rain sparkle -- like those little drops..."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Significant descriptive expansion, slight grammar tweaks, exclusion of three of the four prompt items or else a better incorporation of their importance woven into the story.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"It was rain sparkle -- like those little drops that cling on your window after the sun comes out, so that they glisten with miniature rainbows inside. This man’s smile was that moment of rain sparkle."
--I loved this paragraph. This more than anything tells me that you are a quality writer. Describing so well "rain sparkle" is a beautiful effort! Bravo!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I was much entertained by your story and your effort to work within the prompt.

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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141
141
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review:
This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
Haha! Quite a surprise to reach the end and find the twist! I pictured something much different as I was reading. I loved the ironic humor of the piece. Whether this poor soul is literally running from the "beast" or else it is more a metaphor, it works on both levels.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhyme scheme is simple yet effective. The poem is whimsical in its tone, and flows nicely. I love the addition of many exclamation points to punctuate this man's desperate attempt to flee.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee tends to shy away from poetry that includes multiple end-punctuation, as the lack of formality has not been accepted by literary circles. This is something you may wish to consider, but like all poetry, there is no right or wrong. Typically, what works works, regardless of "rules."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
You need to close up an errant space in the second line of the fourth stanza. Also, considering that you do use so much punctuation, you may consider going ahead and punctuating all lines properly. What I mean by this is that many lines end with no punctuation at all, where a period should be. I don't normally suggest this, but since you do end one line with a semicolon and so many with question marks and exclamation points, you may need to go ahead and follow through and punctuate it all according to proper grammar rules for continuity.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Believe me, please, when I tell you
it is not a thing you want to see nude!
--Side-splitting funny! One of those lines that adds to the last laugh once the full picture comes into focus.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I enjoyed this funny little poem!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive and Novel Review Group

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
A "Invalid Item"  "Weekly" Review by PatrickB
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see: "Invalid Item" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
As a life of companionship gains age, sometimes the spark never fades. This sentiment is questioned within this work, a pondering of how love can maintain itself through thick and thin, time and trial. The narrator is lucky enough to have found a companion as dazzling to him or her as "first felt." This is a poignant expression of genuine love, singing hope to all readers who live for the phenomenon of the soulmate.

CONVENTIONS:
The main imagery that is contrasted is the setting with the feeling. Light and life are fading, yet love is maintaining. The setting sun and the aging of the narrator is in contrast with the love that has remained as strong as day-one, somewhat inexplicably. The rhyme and meter are a bit disjointed, but do not distract overly much from the expression.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee is a but puzzled why you chose to use commas but not periods, but will not make punctuation suggestions in poetry, as long as there is a consistency that does not reveal carelessness. There are no complaints with this poem.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
As mentioned above, this poem is balanced in that no man's land between free verse and rhyming couplets. A move in one direction of the other, in my opinion, would improve the poem. If you do choose to revise this poem, an addition of more figurative language would also add to the expression.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Look at me, you smile, my heart still melts
Not any less than all I first felt"
--This is the main theme of the poem, to me. Despite everything, the love is as strong as ever.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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143
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This is review 1 of 2 that was purchased from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  on your behalf by intuey GoT Survivor! , as part of the JBIWT "Read All About It Package."

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This is poetry-in-prose on full display! Everything from the dialogue to the structure to the brevity work to make this a humorous and winning expression. I am reminded of a commercial parody like was used in the episode of Roseanne called "That's Our Rosie." This scene has the same biting satire and dramatic irony. Your depiction of this woman's obsession is caustic and effective.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee is too busy laughing at this scene to check for mistakes. I found none, though.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't suggest anything that needs changing. Part of the charm of the piece is its brevity. It reinforces the chaos of this poor woman's kitchen. Anything added, at this point, would detract from its charm.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Her daily ritual had begun, working quickly, smearing spaghetti sauce from
ceiling to floor, covering everything."
--She really just did this! Really? Wow, if she needs to clean so badly, come to my house! My kids will help her make messes! Very funny and great characterization right off the bat.
" 'Psychiatrist—Yep. Appointment time!' "
--The way you use the long dash to create choppy statements is yet another great technique to add humor. Your dialogue-style in this is priceless.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I enjoyed this a lot!

On behalf of intuey GoT Survivor! , we at "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  thank you for sharing your work and talent. Keep writing!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive
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Review of A Moment In Time  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A "Invalid Item"  "Weekly" Review by PatrickB
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see: "Invalid Item" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
Another beautifully peaceful scene painted by a skilled poet, with the added irony that it was all in a book. The notion that we are transported by books is not new. It is a universal experience and part of what's great about being human and alive. Your ode to this universal feeling does it justice. Just as the narrator was with the book, I was transported by the poem.

CONVENTIONS:
Your images of nature are like brushstrokes on a canvas, a landscape oil by the great Bill Alexander that used to fascinate me on PBS as a child. You cover all the senses for us -- except taste, and that would be a neat trick, considering your narrator is reading. Maybe Willy Wonka will invent a lickable page? Your free verse works well, the rhythm satisfying. I particularly liked the last line, the theme of the poem. We may leave the world we enter when reading, but we take the emotions it evoked with us.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee has no qualms with this poem. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"The laughter of the water danced around the stones in the creek,
and I smiled at the music it made.
My worries floated downstream with the trickling water,
leaving me lighthearted and carefree."
--This is my favorite stanza in the poem. It is perfectly described, the word-choices pristine and careful. I also like how you inject the worries of reality into the word-painting, for reading certainly can help us forget for a time that which puzzles or confounds us in real life.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I love your poetry, Pat! So simple, yet artistic! Keep writing for us!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of A Zephyr's Kiss  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "Invalid Item"  "Weekly" Review by PatrickB
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see: "Invalid Item" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
A fateful moment to be sure -- the moment of decision, and the consent to surrender to passion. My interpretation is of a narrator in the throes of passion, convincing his or her love to feed the passion that swirls there, to not be bound by propriety or even marriage vows. The poem is book-ended by her breath as a "Zephyr's kiss," when everything is right and moving toward mutual passion. In between the breaths is the moment of hesitation, where "she falters" and second-guesses this decision. I am nearly speechless with how this profound moment is displayed. Such skill and mastery of poetic conventions! Bravo!

CONVENTIONS:
I am overwhelmed with the imagery of this passionate poem. It is Greek, it is legend. It is orchestral, it is pulsing with words-making-sound. My love for figurative language is more than sated with this. Metaphors bound like whispering nymphs to gloss this plea to a reluctant lover. The emotional pushing and pulling of wills, to defend one second and surrender the next. What is proper? To resist, be unfulfilled, and betray the heart, or to consent and fill the coffers of passion? There are millions of subjects worthy of poetry, but this moment, this decision, will always be in the top-ten. I think you do an amazing job weaving this classic moment for us, as the will of the tempted ebbs and flows and the passions soars. We have two major imagery-threads, here, and they are both worthy of examining in detail.

First, is the language of tempos in music. A crescendo begins the piece, an epic fanfare of the Zephyr's power and confidence, the call of strong passion. Then, we have the hesitation. Before, the couple was smooth and together, thus the "legato." Interestingly, the opposite of legato is staccato, as in notes played apart and not together. This is such a subtle distinction, but so important to the theme of the work. A mention of a "requiem" does not go amiss as we are in the middle of the poem, and the issue is still in doubt. This is fitting, for a requiem is a mass in honor of the dead. And lastly, we are given the "adagio" as the couple again moves as one. An adagio section of music is a somber, atmosperic movement, usually slow, that follows a faster, more hectic tempo. Yes, how perfect is that? You have not only wrote a poem, but constructed a symphony at the same time. I am in awe.

The second imagery-thread is of Greek mythology, specifically of the realm of the sea. This is such a perfect choice, for we can see the battle within her as an ebb and a flow, like ocean tides. First, we see the "Siren" and learn that she is slumbering; the moment of teasing is now over, the promise must be fulfilled, the temptress is vanquished. The "Nereids" appear, instead, and help her through this storm of emotion, just as the fifty daughters of Nerius and Doris did for Greek sailors a million times over. When one hears "Iliad," it brings to mind an image of war, a battle. Perfect imagery for this moment as well. The goddess of the sea, Thetis, gives her blessing at the end with a "mighty" push, and the poem's subject flows again into the narrator with uninhibited passion. Absolutely stunning use of allusion and metaphor!

I must also mention the refrain at the end of each stanza. It adds yet another rhythm to an already pulsing masterpiece.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Gramma Bee has no issues with your grammar, but only points to some spacing and quotation mark issues in stanza six. The comma should go on the inside of the quotation mark.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Just the small typo mentioned. I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"She is a jewel - faceted in perfection."
--I love this! I am only going to pull this one out, for I enjoyed every line of this poem, and this is the only one I didn't address above. Forgive the pun, but this is a sparkling metaphor as well.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! This is one of two times in my one hundred and ninety-five reviews that I wish I could award more than five stars! Bless you for you poetic skills! Oh, wait, it seems you have already been blessed. And so have I by reading it.

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of Simply Positive and Just Because I Want To.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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146
146
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review:
This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
I was so happy to see that Brad and Marnie found Jay. This is a difficult issue that I can't even imagine, and don't really want to try. How does one begin to move on from something like this? Even after years? Death can be grieved. It is mercifully final. But the not knowing would drive a parent insane. I am glad the story has a happy ending.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
This is a great idea that needs some work. I would be remiss if I did not say that major editing and expansion is required to make this a workable story. There is the skeleton of a story here, and it is a good one; but it needs muscles, sinew, a brain, some veins and arteries, and more heart! The first thing I would do is take out what doesn't work. I happened to catch a review of this the other day, and the reviewer mentioned that it would not be reasonable to accept parents leaving a home from which their child was abducted. I second this, because there would always be that chance that the child finds his way back, either by himself or with help. And what if his parents are long gone? It might mean the difference between life or death. I understand that Brad moves with his career, but I just don't buy it. I can't buy it, not as a parent. Now, once this premise is readjusted, you can rethink your plot. Please trust me on this: I have changed plots around in my epic fantasy saga so much that sometimes I feel like I am writing about two different worlds. Remember, you created this! Don't be afraid to squash your duds! Squash them and make them better, don't waste time and energy on something that doesn't work!

So, the plot premise is flawed. What do we do about it? Well, look at it from all angles. Maybe take the advice you are getting from reviewers and work it to your advantage. Unfortunately, you are in a paradoxical spiral. I have been in several of those myself. It is so hard to get a plot untangled once you have written it. You have Brad and Marnie moving to Chicago, which we have established is not reasonably believeable. Well, let's move them back, you say? No, we can't do that because then it is not plausible for their toddler to show up at their door, for his kidnappers would never make that mistake. This is a tangled plot. You can either puzzle over how to untangle it or else snip the thread and salvage what you can. Good luck with whatever you decide.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There are several instances of run-on sentences and incorrect comma-placements here. If you wish to improve, please visit the Grammar Bee in her Honeycomb. Refer to "Invalid Item"  for more information on how to punctuate independent clauses.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"'Bah Humbugs don’t get candy.'"
--I saw much character development in this statement by Marnie. It was a charming comment.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Please don't get discouraged. We have all been there. If you have any questions or need advice, feel free to email me.

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of Simply Positive and Just Because I Want To.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review:
This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
A touching, ironic little Christmas tale of what is most important about the holiday: generosity and kindness. I enjoyed the description of the mansion and the relatives at play. The children are my favorite part, filled with the wonder only a child can have this time of year. I think a story like this has the chance of becoming preachy and didactic, trite and overly sentimental, but it rises above all of these gracefully with wit and charm. I think what Walker does during the holidays is very commendable. I just wish more of the wealthy would take his cue and give a little back to those who hold up the dreamworlds they enjoy every day.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee has nothing major to contend with, especially since this is an already-published novel. She is not in the business of telling an author's editors their job.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Again, since this is already published, there is not much to say here. Congratulations on writing a great tale and having it published!

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"A handful of the guests helped them build two forts in the snow, and soon a regular storm of snowballs, aimed with surprising accuracy, went from one fort to the other."
--This is a nice image of the generations enjoying the season!
"The lovingly crafted stable, with its animals and baby Jesus lying sleeping in the small manger, deepened his smile and took away some of the gray from his sad face."
--A very well-written sentence, this shows the transition in his face nicely.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! You have written a story that puts me very much in the spirit. Merry Christmas!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of Simply Positive and Just Because I Want To.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of We Danced  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This is review 1 of 2 that was purchased from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  on your behalf by Joy , as part of the JBIWT "Angel Package."

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
A more touching memory I can not imagine reading. The narrator of this poem writes with the passion of a life full of love with that one special person. This poem is like a gold-gilded frame encasing decades of life shared by soul-mates. It has the weight of years, it is venerable, it is awe-inspiring. It is prose and poetry at the same time, imagery and action, present and past, old and new, hot and cold, frosty and warm, celebration and longing.

It may be, quite simply, one of the most beautiful poems I have ever read.

CONVENTIONS:
Usually, cold imagery in a poem yearns to give it a sense of isolation, loneliness, or pain. It is usually heat that evokes love, warmth that spurs memories. But you have proven with this poem that that does not have to be the case. The narrator's family frollicks in the snow, and a life-long lover and companion blows a kiss and the moment is sealed. I love how the "snow whispered" the memory; a breathtaking use of personification. I also love the way the stanzas get smaller as we reach the climax, when the new snow begins to cover the footprints. It is a poignant moment and deserves every single bit of the attention you give to it. Time passes, footprints are covered, leaving only memories, and the moment is gone ... until "this tumble of family, this laughing continuum" again reminds the narrator that all is not lost, that the memories of young love may be gone, but the fruits of that love live on, in a new form, always.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee is touched, and this doesn't happen very often. I ask her if there is anything she wants to mention, and she sniffs, dabbing her eyes with a tissue before shaking her head.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I hesitate to mention this, but something inside is begging me to ask you about the title. To me, this poem is so encased in snow imagery that it would make sense to me to title it thus. Of course, this is only a humble suggestion and please take it as that. Also, I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"...the cold cracked along the tired latticework of lines on my cheeks."
--An absolutely stunning description of aging and an inportant element to the work!
"Oh you -- lover, husband, high school sweetheart -- the snow
whispered and reminded us both."
--My favorite of many, this is the warm core of the poem, the sentiment encased in poetic frost that -- amazingly -- warms instead of chills. Masterful!
"I remembered the first time we danced, leaving socked footprints
in the school gym..."
--A touching remembrance, of youthful exuberance, young love, and sock-hops.
"...childhood to shyness to romance to our love,"
--This is the march of footprints, the long space of love stretching back for the reader and then whooshing us to the present, here in the snow, on this day of profound and enchanted memories.

On behalf of Joy , we at "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  thank you for sharing your work and talent. I personally would like to think you for reminding me why I love poetry. This poem brought a tear to my eye, truly.

Regards,
PatrickB
Proud Member of Simply Positive, Just Because I Want To, and Passionate Mindscapes
149
149
Review of Winter Solstice  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review:
This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a deft little ode to the figurative end of the year, the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year for the vast majority of us. (Unless you live in the Arctic! And if so, how did they get the internet up there? I can just picture little Inuit children getting addicted to World of Warcraft and visiting porn sites.) You choose to focus on the fact that the winter solstice is the longest night rather than the shortest day, a telling choice to your theme: cold and dark lead to warmth and light

CONVENTIONS:
Your subtle imagery of sleeping and waking works well. There is also a nod to the rebirth that will soon occur in the world, both physically and figuratively.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Because it is only four lines, the Grammar Bee let me handle this one while she went Christmas shopping. I found only one instance for possible edit. I would recommend a comma at the end of the first line, as it is the end of a long introductory prepositional phrase.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Possible expansion. Also, I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
Ummm. I liked your poem, but this area of my template seems silly for a poem so short.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Let me know if you ever expand it!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of Simply Positive and Just Because I Want To.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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150
150
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review:
This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
To find this companionship at any age is a blessing. It fills the heart with joy and a need to express that gratitude. If love lost can move the writer's pen like a sword fighting demons, then a new love can move the writer's pen like a feather tickling an infant, with many joyful giggles and much tearful happiness. Your expression shows how you are so much happier with your new-found love, and reflect upon your life, realizing how much time was wasted with your "inner misery." I especially liked your hopes for your children. I have also had similar thoughts about mine, wishing beyond hope that they find true love early in life, to feel that companionship before they are tainted by heartache and sorrow. I am heartened to see that it appears to be a common parental hope.

CONVENTIONS:
I do not mention this to say that your format is wrong, only to suggest that perhaps this poem would look better not centered. ~WhoMe???~ has mentioned in several reviews about the meaning of how we place our poetry on the page. Indulge me a quote from the rationale:

"Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew ... can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion."

I recommend that you consider moving this to the left side and revisiting the length of each your lines, that way it looks more like a poem and less like a list of un-paragraphed sentences. Again, this is totally about format and has nothing to do with your wonderful words.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee has no complaints with this poem. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
The format-change is all I would suggest. Also, I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"And placed them on a billowy, protective cloud?
Or will they, too, become a hollowed vessel?
--These to me are the best two lines in the poem for figurative language. It shows perfectly the inverse dichotomy between where you were and where you are now. Love and companionship can truly feel like floating bouyantly on a cloud, while love lost can create a void that will likely never, ever be filled. The fact that you used this in your prayer for a better experience for your children is also telling.

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with me! I am so glad you have found a way to fill your own void, and I wish you all the best!

Regards,
PatrickB
Founder of Ivy’s Portfolio Quizzes, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of Simply Positive and Just Because I Want To.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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