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675 Public Reviews Given
703 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
A review you purchase from me will always be proofread, thorough, and carefully considered. I try to strike a balance between encouragement and honesty. What you can expect from me is a discussion of what your piece said to me as I read it and strategies for what I thought could be improved. I also point out specifically any errors that I found in the piece (although if it is a repeating problem, I will explain this deficiency generally rather than try to fix each and every one). I always keep my reviews conversational and positive. I'm generous with praise, and I try to speak with confident authority in areas where I have some knowledge. I approach each review I do with the idea that the best way to help someone become a better writer is to model that behavior to the best of my ability. Reviews that contain multiple grammatical and/or spelling errors, present incomplete thoughts, or show a lack of effort do not send a good message to those receiving the reviews concerning my advice.
I'm good at...
Grammar, spelling, sentence and paragraph structure, vocabulary (word choice), characters, dialogue
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller, Drama
Least Favorite Genres
Nothing really. I'll give anything a look.
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Flash Fiction, Poetry, Personal Narratives and Essays
Least Favorite Item Types
Nothing really. I'll give anything a look, from contests to group pages to forums to activity rules. If you want someone to take a look at your activity and give it a review, let me know! I'll try to locate inconsistencies in rules and guidelines.
I will not review...
The only items I will not review through this system are novel chapters. I would much rather trade services and make you review mine as I review yours. If you are interested in setting this up, feel free to email me.
Public Reviews
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151
151
Review of Meltdown  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A "Invalid Item"  "Weekly" Review by PatrickB
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see: "Invalid Item" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. It is such a worthwhile statement about the rat race and how we get caught up in securing our status, from money and possessions to class and reputation. It is about how we forget what's important and wonder if we will look back with regret, wondering why we struggle for the things that we do. This is a poem of excellence by any standard.

CONVENTIONS:
Each couplet in this piece adds more layers to the theme of working ourselves to death. Your rhymes are nearly perfect, except for one, and I will mention that below. Instead of spending all my time paraphrasing all these wonderful couplets, I would rather do so on a point-by-point basis.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee had an issue she needs you to solve. At first, when she saw the word "hoard" at the end of the second couplet, she threw up a red flag. I reminded her that the word choice could be correct, considering it went with the theme of the work and works grammatically. So, we just want to mention that "horde" is an invading army and "hoard" means to gather irrationally unto oneself. Choose which word best fits your poem, for we will not choose for you.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
There is only one thing that bothered me with this poem, and that was the rhyme of the last couplet. It is irregular, while all the others are perfectly sonorous. I only ask that you consider editing that because you leave us with that rhyme, and it is jarring.

I also offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"You're up with the darkness and down with the day,
all of that working just gets in the way.
--I love this couplet, for it says so much! At first I was thinking this was as literal as someone working third shift, but then I reconsidered. Maybe it means that we are "asleep" while we work and are most alive in the time of day that belongs to us, the night.
"Up in the box seats they look down their nose
at those who are working, the Marys' and Joes'.
--A monstrously powerful couplet concerning class-politics. Sinclair Lewis would be proud, and Gordon Gecko would smirk!
"Down in the ghetto and up in the hood,
deception is standing where honor once stood."
--Such a subtle way of mentioning the sad fact that there is no longer as much honor in working-class people, for desperate times call for desperate measures, and honor must be chucked quickly during the "Meltdown," for nice guys finish last.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! This was one of the best poems I have read in a while. Bravo!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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152
152
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A "Invalid Item"  "Weekly" Review by PatrickB
Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see: "Invalid Item" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
This is such a bouyant expression, showcasing the most interesting of the animals that grace our planet. The theme is simple and whimsical: what if these animals could fly? Would they be happy? I searched very hard for a deeper metaphor, but I am at a loss. I just enjoyed this poem for what it was, a celebration of a simple image of flying animals. Of course, I couldn't help thinking of a Pink Floyd album cover.

CONVENTIONS:
Again, I searched for a greater metaphor. If I am missing it, I would love you to enlighten me. Your end rhyme is very good and the rhythm and imagery makes me think of the best of children's poetry, like Rudyard Kipling.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee is very happy with your grammar, but not so happy that you have decided to give wings to all these creatures which certainly don't deserve them. You have to excuse her, she is in a mood.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"A sky full of animals, wildly festooned,
Able to fly, so they can’t be marooned…"
--I love this couplet! Such wonderful imagery!

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with us! Keep writing!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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153
153
Review of Grab The Harpoon!  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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This is review 2 of 2 that was purchased from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  on your behalf by Maryann , as part of the JBIWT "Read All About It Package."

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

Believing that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, the following segment of this review will be made by Kevin the Dill Pickle.
OVERALL SENSE:
What a whale of a read! Puns! Can I? No! I could try, but writing an entire review in sentence fragments would be just like a Double Whopper: a big 'ole mess! I like romance myself, after a fashion. My wife tells me it has something to do with the fact that I am phallic-shaped, but I don't buy it. She is a Hamburger Dill! That doesn't mean she necessarily likes meaty fantasy epics. Anyway, I thought this was a hilariousy juicy read with a moist and crispy moral: sentence fragments are fine if they work!

CONVENTIONS:
I don't want to mention much, because this entire piece is an allegory, but I particularly liked when the whale was "feeling saucy." This is a great pun in a short work full of them. In less than five hundred words, you do Piers Anthony proud!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee is still on the floor laughing. She has just informed me that she trusts everything you write from now on. Anyone who can not only convince the insufferable Molly Pollen that grammar rules are meant to be broken, but make her swallow it while laughing her head off? You have my respect and admiration, mon ami!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I suggest nothing except more! I will anxiously be moving on to the other two items in this series.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Reading."
-What can I say? You not only end the work with one word, but you tie up the mini-plot and reinforce the moral. Brilliant!

On behalf of Maryann , we at "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  thank you for sharing your work and talent. Keep writing and making us laugh! Sardine sandwich, indeed!

Regards,

PatrickB
Proud Member of Simply Positive, Just Because I Want To, and Passionate Mindscapes
154
154
Review of The Sandy Shore  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This is review 2 of 2 that was purchased from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  on your behalf by Maryann , as part of the JBIWT "Read All About It Package."

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
If you managed to capture this lovely scene with color on canvas, you did it twice the service, for your words are a painting as well. You put me there on the beach with you, which is all we ever ask our poets to do. I loved your imagery and panoramic sensibilities.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhythm and word-choice are very good. Again, I am always harping on similes when I find none, but all poems do not have to use figurative language to be great, as your poem reveals. Sometimes it is just the snapshot that does the job. And knowing what I know about you from your portfolio, you write this like the true travelographer that you are.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee is thoroughly satisfied with your use of the English language. Bravo! Although she does have an irrational fear of seagulls. She got to your third stanza and gave the editing over to me, feeling nauseous. I'm sure she will be fine in a bit.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"An artist’s conception of a wonderful dream,
A priceless treasure to behold
When painting at the sandy shore."
--You leave us with your best. Very well done!

On behalf of Maryann , we at "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  thank you for sharing your work and talent. Keep writing!

Regards,

PatrickB
Proud Member of Simply Positive, Just Because I Want To, and Passionate Mindscapes
155
155
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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This is review 1 of 2 that was purchased from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  on your behalf by Maryann , as part of the JBIWT "Read All About It Package."

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This story had me cracking up. Those poor cookies! It wasn't as if they were a can of Spam that you save for a nuclear holocaust. These are chocolate chip cookies! They are supposed to be inhaled as soon as they are purchased! I enjoyed reading your travel log. I am going to read more soon. You seem to lead a very interesting life, traveling to all these places. Me, I am a bear in a cave in perpetual winter, and to be honest, I like it that way. Thanks to wonderful travelographers like yourself who let me know there is even a world out there, I can enjoy my sedentary lifestyle.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee has just one big issue. She is wondering why you capitalize certain words out of the blue. Here is a list:

his Town, the Highway, their Van, the Hotel

Are you claiming poetic license for these, or are they simple typos. In either case, the Grammar Bee just wanted to point them out to you.

One last thing: There are a couple instances where you use a comma to set off a short introductory adjective phrase modifying a noun. In both of these instances, a comma is not needed. "My son, Dan..." and "My son, Richard..."

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Occasionally, I had to pat my bag gently to soothe the vibrating movements that emanated from within every time I went near the table where the other cookies were displayed."
--I could see this! It reminded me of a cell phone vibrating in your purse!

By the way, are your son and daughter-in-law really named Roseanne and Dan? I think that is great! *Smile*

On behalf of Maryann , we at "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  thank you for sharing your work and talent. Keep writing!

Regards,

PatrickB
Proud Member of Simply Positive, Just Because I Want To, and Passionate Mindscapes
156
156
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Invalid Item" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
You do a wonderful job of showing how a walk in the woods can re-energize one and renew his or her faith. Your careful descriptions of the woods brings us along with the narrator. The overall theme, that all things are connected under God, is very powerful. This poem seems very personal, yet devotional and instructive at the same time. I can picture you reciting it from the pulpit as a guest speaker on Sunday morning.

CONVENTIONS:
While lacking a bit in simile and figurative language, your poem is a straight-forward narrative with a message. The subtle repetition of the notion that God is watching and protecting not only the narrator but all the living creatures he or she is encountering is the element that gives this poem depth of meaning.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee is more than satified with your grammar. No issue noted.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Maybe a simile. Just one. But that is totally up to you. All poets use different conventions in different amounts. I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"The cool rain refreshes me and cleanses my mind of all worries,
releasing me from the trials that bind me to this Earth.
--This is so nice. I can feel the summer rain and how it lifts you up.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me, and for your wonderful efforts at "Showering Acts of Joy Group" !

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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157
157
Review of Mindscape  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "The Morning the Wisp Was Late" 
A PatrickB “FAVORITE AUTHOR” Review:
This review is of an author’s work I find particularly fascinating and worthwhile.

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
Wow, the imagery in this piece is overpowering and stellar! I read it three times and found something new each time. These are the types of poems I like, rich with deep meaning and subtle nuance, where every word and phrase adds a poetic brushstroke to a marvelous painting. I am going to pull out some specific references and relate their meanings to me. "And where I must travel all alone--" is a fantastic comment on the fact that inside your mind you are always disconnected from everything else. With this poem you invite me in as close as I can get, but to keep with your marine imagery, it is as if I am looking through a porthole into what it is you truly mean. And this, sadly, is the best I can ever do. I liked your references to Rome and Greece. It may just have been an arbitrary choice, but I do not fail to acknowledge that the education that oils our minds is based on those two traditions more than any other. "The Truth is what I'm really seeking." Plato would be proud!

CONVENTIONS:
I waited until this section on conventions to hit upon your thematic imagery of water, for it is the metaphor that makes this such a wonderful poem. To use a body of water to stand for our mind does not require a stretch of imagination. I could explain why, but instead I point to your poem to do so for me. It's a "tide pool" sometimes, at other times a "raging sea." And still at other times, it's an "ocean." The last two-third of the poem takes us through this marine landscape with a plethora of oceanic references. One can almost feel the brine collecting as we read! The best stanza, in my opinion, was the last, and it is because of the wonderful rhyme that you add in with the metaphors.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Gramma Bee is happy with this poem! All end punctuations are correct according to your clauses. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
This is a truly excellent poem. I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"And where the ebb and flow of past events
Are polished and made whole,
And meaning given to their being."
--This was my favorite and most-memorable sequence in the entire poem. The metaphor comparing beach erosion to how we reflect and revise our memories into our personal history is powerful and apt.
"Frantic currents synapse wildly and cause hideous monsters to now abound.
--Your use of "synapse" as a verb is brilliant! This entire stanza is frighteningly poetic in describing your mind in agitation.

Thank you so much for sharing this poem with us! With this read, I refill my tank of patience for the power of pure poetry. I will be visiting your portfolio again soon.

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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158
158
Review of A Reviewer's Sigh  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A PatrickB “DEAR FRIEND” Review: This review of your work is my pleasure as I weave my way through your wonderful portfolio and increase our friendship day-by-day.
A PatrickB “FAVORITE AUTHOR” Review:
This review is of an author’s work I find particularly fascinating and worthwhile.
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
How is it the great prose-writers like you are so convinced they are not also great poets? In my humble opinion, that is just not so! This is a tasty morsel of a poem, showcasing your attention to shape and form, rhyme and meter, allusion and reference, word and image. What more can a poetess do? Too often poems are too esoteric for general consumption. Writers who speak only in rhymes and rhythms exclusively will sometimes spin swirls of images that make little sense to the rest of us. It takes a prose sensibility to remember that we are writing to be read, for the most part, and not just to slay internal demons.

CONVENTIONS:
Here is the true test, Carol; the true benchmark of whether or not you are a poetess. Let's see: end-rhyme, internal rhyme, solid meter, alliteration ( "I winced and I whined,") enjambment ("His memories resounding/With wonder; ), elision ( "vict'ries"), irony, and an ode-like sensibility to this man's portfolio. These are hardly the tools of a novice. The only things missing are metaphor and simile, and those are by far the most common poetic conventions.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Gramma Bee is happy with you, as always. She thinks that you and her are kindred spirits. She also likes that your favorite link is Purdue's Owl. She slobbers often over that site herself.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Ignoring mechanics,
Hanging on to dynamics.
Isn't this what true poetry's for?
--Only a master-prose-writer-who-thinks-she-can't-write-poetry would throw in this piece of witty irony at the end. Of course, what makes it ironic is your attention to prose-mechanics in this poem! "Ignoring mechanics," indeed! Poetic license, my dear! Bravo!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I love being in your portfolio and can't wait to return again soon! And by the way, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery! I love your new addition to your port, and I am ecstatic that you got it from me!

Warmest Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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159
159
Review of Music  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Serpent's Bargain" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
I love this little acrostic. It paints such a tender scene. I also am in love with music, and always will be. I like how you added another person for the narrator. It was a nice touch. It makes this not so much an ode to music as a slice of life between two people. You convey a warmth between the narrator and the guitar-player that is sweet and simple, yet undeniable. We have all had moments like this with music, where we allow its power to overwhelm us. This was a pleasant little word-image.

CONVENTIONS:
The acrostic format is so much fun! It focuses the expression and spells out the theme. If you enjoy this type of poetry, may I recommend a new form I created. It is a bit more complicated, and I am not quite sure how viable and popular it will be. Another member and I are beginning at poetry group soon called "Passionate Mindscapes," and we plan on featuring this form in a monthly contest. Here is the link, if you are interested: "Invalid Item" .

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee is content and loves this poem!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

Thank you so much for sharing your acrostic with me! Keep writing!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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160
160
Review of Tomorrow  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM T...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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This review was purchased from "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  on your behalf by Annette , as part of the JBIWT "Holiday Package."

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
I love this poem! Such a mad-dash read, flowing grandly with the theme of being in a hurry, with no time to lose. Chaos breeding chaos as the "frantic search" and "desperate scrabble" begin; saved at the end by a mother, who always seems to know where everything is at all times. I so enjoyed the imagery of this poem and your use of language!

CONVENTIONS:
You paint wonderful word-images, jammed-together metaphors that so exquisitely echo the theme of frenzied searching. There is no time for languid similes, willowy, cursive metaphors. No, jam them together, like these: "A planned fact-lottery" and "book-tower of Babel." You milk every one of your conventions for all its worth, and it creates a fabulous poem. Bravo!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee doesn't like your messiness (she's a neat freak), but she likes your punctuation and grammar skills. It seems as if you managed to find all your notes often enough to learn much in school!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE PASSAGES(S):
"Fevered brain the syllabus roams,
Indian History – total mystery,
Wrestling secrets from dusty tomes."
--I love the imagery and rhyme scheme here, as well as the internal rhyme and inversion!

On behalf of Annette , we at "JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO FORUM TEMP CLOSED"  thank you for sharing your work and talent. Keep writing!

Regards,

PatrickB
Proud Member of Simply Positive and Just Because I Want To
161
161
Review of Return Flight  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Five Voices and Three Perfect Daisies" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This short vignette has a subtle eroticism to it, and the middle section is very interesting and powerful as your narrator pines for her love. You poet's sensibility sneaks in, there, and it is the hidden gem of this work, surrounded as it is by simple setting. It is that gem, that core, that I want to focus on, and hopefully direct you to an excavation and polishing of it. Whatever moved you to write this seemingly innocuous scene in an airport has gifted you a thread of promise in the very center, with this line:

"A fragrance of perfection that I long for, especially when I know that it is so close."

I implore you to go with this. It is where this story is, where this narrator is emotionally. The sensual sentences before and after that describe what he means to her are also very good. They are themselves poetry-in-prose, with excellent descriptive adjectives and images.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee has no major complaints of this work grammatically.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Exacavate the jewel and polish it. That is all I can say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
The one above is the best. Here is yet another that proves your talent!
"His lips taste of cherry, while his warm breath is nothing but mint."

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Keep writing and improving. You definitely have the spark of talent!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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162
162
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A PatrickB “SIMPLY POSITIVE” Review:
This review was requested by my wonderful group Simply Positive as a selected reviewee of the week. Congratulations!

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
What a wonderful expression and use of personification. I could almost hear the little snowflakes singing "Jabberwocky" as I read this, like the flowers in Alice in Wonderland. This reads almost like a fable, but its moral is subtle. I feel uplifted to pay more attention to the simple beauty that surrounds us in our world, especially in the precise poetry of the cycles of nature. I really enjoyed this piece, and my heart feels lighter after reading it.

CONVENTIONS:
The use of allegory and personification is the winning ingredient of this poem. I also like the feminine tone--whites and pinks and "ice-sisters." It echoes rebirth and sacrifice, the recurrent theme of the work. The repeating of "Twirling, spinning and drifting..." for both the snowflake and the cherry blossoms does much to unify the poem and cement your theme.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee is very happy with this work. She offers no suggestions. She is, also, quite enamored with the cherry blossoms. Go figure.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I always hesitate to offer changes to a poem unless something just sticks out at me. I tripped over "...more and more days" in the first line of the seventh stanza. It just didn't flow right for me. My suggestion is that you reword to: "...many more days." If you do this, you don't even lose rhythm, as the syllables are the same.

In addition, I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"You're so beautiful!" she cried to her sisters. "You're so lovely!"
They piled one atop the other in tiny white mounds on the flowers.
The sun came out and shone through them, making them sparkle brightly
--Such wonderful imagery!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I look forward to reading more!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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163
163
Review of SOUNDS OF MORNING  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review:
This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Invalid Item" 

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OPENING PARAGRAPH:
I am blown away by your attention to detail in this opening paragraph. My first inclination in a story is usually to insist that character and action hit me full-force, to get the story going. This is one of those rare exceptions where the excellent metaphor between elderly humans and houses makes for a satifying opening. It is also plays into your theme, that the narrator has such a wonderful sense of hearing that he would have made this comparison long ago.

POINT OF VIEW:
First person works well, here. Tyler's perspective and interpretation of his environment is the story.

PACING:
It got a little chunky at times. I think this can be fixed with splitting your paragraphs into smaller doses. It makes the work more reader-friendly. Pacing and description are a zero-sum game, for the most part. To enhance one, you must detract from the other.

DESCRIPTION:
Here, you slide way over toward description, and luckily you are quite skilled at it, otherwise the loss of pacing would be detrimental to the work's success. I believe your ability to describe Tyler's environment from his unique perspective is the jewel of the work. It was also a master-stroke to reveal that Tyler could hear his parents making love. Of course, he would able to, and it would be a big part of his life. Bravo for not shying away from this.

CHARACTERIZATION:
The way you describe Tyler's family through his experience is a great effort at characterization, both for him as well as the others. I particularly liked how sweet his sister Jenny was to him.

CONVENTIONS:
This work drips with metaphors and similes, as part of your tool-box of descriptions. Some writers use them in prose, some don't. I am partial to them myself, because they increase reader-relatability, bringing your vision closer in terms we can understand. I mention a couple of my favorites later in the review.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There are some issues here, but nothing I didn't chalk up to personal style. If you ever choose to publish this work, whichever editor that gets a hold of it will impose his or her own will on it. That is not for me to do here. From my perspective, I have no issues with your conversational style.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Smaller paragraphs are definitely needed. Not all readers are going to fall in love with your ability to describe, nor see the poetic metaphors and symbolism of the situation you are describing. They will cry out for more brisk prose, dialogue, and action. For the most part, I think you should ignore them. But pay careful attention to areas where a reader may get glassy-eyed. It only takes one such occurrence to lose them forever.

FAVORITE PASSAGE(S):
"Their aging timbers and rafters often creak and moan like arthritic joints when the weather turns sour."
--Brilliant metaphor!

"...like the tell-tale heart in Poe's story..."
--You can't go wrong using a Poe simile in your work if you want to win me over!

"And indeed my little sister is as beautiful, as sweet, as tender, and as docile as any butterfly God has ever created."
--If it is okay with you, I am going to steal this for the next woman I fall in love with. I promise to give you credit...after she kisses me for it!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Keep writing!

Regards,
Patrick
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of A Damned Old Man  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
PatrickB ”KINDNESS RECIPROCATED” Review: This review is my way of saying thank you for reviewing "Invalid Item" .

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
I laughed out loud. I scared my cat. I woke up my kids. I had to go blow my nose and get a drink. Not bad for a short character-sketch, Harry. This was a pleasure to read from start to finish. This is the kind of stuff Mark Twain would have loved to write if his audience wasn't so puritanical. Corny is an instant classic!

DESCRIPTION:
Part of the humor of the sketch is how well you describe actions, with sizzling and effective metaphors and similes. One of my favorites:

"Corny couldn't run right so he looked more like he was taking giant steps over puddles, which always made his wife laugh."

Are you kidding me? I see it as plain as day! Bravo!

CHARACTERIZATION:
Corny and his friend Mac are the perfect comedy duo. You write so little yet say so much that we readers have little trouble filling in the blanks of these wonderful characters. "Fat" Mac, with his "hulht, hulht" laugh is a gem of writing and characterization. I can see him and hear him!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
A couple of typos and punctuation issues, but certainly nothing to "sneeze eight times or more in a row" over.

FAVORITE PASSAGE(S):
I could, literally, pull out a dozen. I have settled on three:

"In the afternoons, Corny would sit on a wooden bench in front of the country store and smoke cigarettes faster than you could zip your fly."
--Wow, that's fast! And so funny!

"Mac would just laugh, which made the fat in his neck jostle back and forth."
--Hulht Hulht

"Corny always got a soft drink and a pack of peanuts, and it'd take him forever to chew them 'cause he didn't have any back teeth."
--Just picturing Corny chewing peanuts with his canines, working his jaws all catankerously, reminds me of my dad. Instant image!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I laughed until I cried! You are wondrously talented!

Regards,
Patrick
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OPENING PARAGRAPH/SEQUENCE:
Excellent opening sequence and even more proper beginning paragraph. The story opens straight into the action and the introduction of the main character and conflict. A quality hook!

SETTING:
The church and the surrounding area was fleshed out just enough for now. I was particularly intrigued by the mention of Lord Blackstone's castle.

POINT OF VIEW:
As I mention ad nauseum in my reviews, limited third person is my favorite. You do a splendid job, here. I want to point to one particular example where a novice of the form may have lapsed into omniscient.

“'There's been an accident.' Avoiding the cleric's eyes, Albert spat out the rehearsed words for which he obviously had no taste."

In this example, you manage to convey very good character information for Albert without slipping into his point of view. You describe only what the priest can see. The word "obviously" does wonders here. Very well done!

PACING:
Very fast and interesting. I don't mind a slightly slower pace if I can see more of the world. You move the sliders perfectly between pace and exposition.

DESCRIPTION:
Just enough and well done. I see all the action well and already know much about the setting and characters without feeling bogged down with too much. Your skill with description is apparent. I point to these two wonderful examples:

"Perhaps grateful for the rest, the dark steeds nickered and snorted dragon-like plumes of misty vapor into the chilly autumn air."

"Decorating the rich, leather-bound cover were intricate swirls and loops of inlaid gold that glimmered like unearthly flickers of flame as his fingers brushed across the cover."

The above are wonderfully descriptive sentences.

CHARACTERIZATION:
All of your characters are well-drawn and interesting. Father Benedict is aptly named and good-hearted, weary and frightened, questioning and devout. Albert is a typical lackey, annoyed and conflicted. Lord Blackstone is suitably menacing and even though not present in the chapter, casts a pall over it like any great villain should. The voices are intriguing to the reader as we wonder who or what they are.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Near flawless. See line-by-line edit in attached email.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
This looks great, George! I cannot promise that I will be as glowing with the second chapter, but your improvement in this one is certainly noted and appreciated.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! On to Chapter Two I go!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
The narrator has fallen into despair and even at the bottom finds no peace. He or she tries to fight, to find a place in the darkness, but even that does not satisfy. Hopeless it seems, until he or she hears the "voice" of a "guide" that beckons to "a bright land along the black sand of Hell.' I am not inclined to believe that this was your intention, but I get this image of Dante scuffling in the circles of Hell until he finds the ever-wise Virgil.

CONVENTIONS:
I believe this poem may do better centered. It gives a more tempestous impression, as it might be if one were actually in Hell. I am also not clear if the narrator is in the underworld or if this is meant to be considered more a figurative venture into psychological darkness. I guess it doesn't matter, and it speaks to your language that it can be taken both ways. I see only one metaphor--"I am the bright dove."--and this one is good, but one or two more would have brought this poem more to me.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I have not complaints at all here.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
A richer tapestry of images and metaphor is needed to really make this descent into the underworld (whether it is literal or figurative) stand out more.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Fire I must embrace
In the beauty covered with lace."
--This is a nice little couplet.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Keep writing!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

I really liked your acrostic poem.

Rhonda seems to be a great subject
Especially dressed in purple
And with "Red rosy cheeks from winter's stinging kiss."
Long it was, but warm, playful images abound,
Like sitting around a fire with friends on a cold, winter night.
Your acrostic effort, here, does give much hope to this popular style.

Let me begin by talking about conventions.
I enjoyed your use of winter imagery and Christmas reason-for-the-season reminders.
"Karma" you claimed to start your poem,
Energizing your snowy sentiments with the dogmatic powers of the cosmos.
Do I even have to list the religious references here? Reason for the season indeed!

You spend much time on a wedding in the middle.
O, what a tribute to an important day; your wife must be so proud of your words!
Understanding how important our loves are is such a universal theme!
Rhonda must be really special indeed, to have such poetic words spring to your mind.

As I settle into this review, I am reminded of the lovely playfulness of words.
Can't we just do anything with them?
Run them through normal or cast them around brazenly.
Our only requirement to send them spinning is an unity of expression.
Steve, you do this admirably by creating an atmosphere of past winter memories,
Together with faith's mighty shroud, blanketing the festivities.
I am in awe of how the collaboration did so well to summon me to snowy lands,
Calling me out into a wonderful poetic wonderland.

"Peppermint candy and cheese for the mice" is my favorite line!
Opinions may vary, it's all subjective, but this is mine.
Even adding it to the familiar "Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice"
Means more lovely words for that playful arch-phrase.

The above is a tribute-review to an excellent example of word-play. The white sheet is but our sand-box, and we dig and build and destroy at will. Well done, wordsmiths!

Thank you so much for sharing your acrostic with me! They are fun aren't they?

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of Follicular Folly  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This was a very amusing piece, chock-full of drama and biting humor. I read the last two-thirds on speed-dial! I was breathing quick right along with her as she hurried to her car. Wal-mart and Jeff Gordon, huh? You must be from the south like me! (Although you totally can keep NASCAR. It's not for me!) Bravo on a hilarious blog entry! And yes, on buying all the off-brands! Parenthood is great, isn't it? "Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys" indeed!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There is only one issue that screamed at me and it is with your tense-shifting. I myself have a problem in my blog because I use present tense and slip from time to time. The beginning is all I think needs to be changed, in fact, now that I look back, it is only the first paragraph that needs correcting to comply with the rest.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Just the aforementioned tense shift. Everything else is perfect!

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"As I throw a pack of Kotex in the cart I imagine how embarrassing it will be to see my picture in the paper, tackled in the tampon aisle. UGH! Cereal, cereal ... ah, screw it! Would Kyle rather have Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys or a mother to tuck him in every night? If his mom's doing hard time who's gonna make sure he gets to driver's ed?
--I was going to pull my two favorite lines from this paragraph but decided just to list the entire thing. It is one big laugh from start to finish!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Please, email me back and let me know if this blog is still functioning. I like your writing-style. You make me laugh!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
Wow, ok. I have to feeling I just read something mind-blowing. Such wonderful conventions and description, pulsating repetitions of phrases, poetry-in-prose on full display, but who in the world is----Oh wait! I GET IT! I am going to go read it again. The dramatic irony just totally dawned on me, and I'm giddy.

This is wonderful, Francesca! A piece of romantic and satiristic poetry worthy of the best sleight-of-hand (no pun intended) of E.A. Poe, and you present it masterfully as prose. I have to admit, with the way my love-life has gone recently, I certainly can relate to the man in the story. Sometimes I, too, wonder if there is someone pulling my strings and the strings of those I care about. This is one of the best story-expressions I have read in a long time.

POINT OF VIEW:
There could be none better than the Puppet Mistress herself. Her nonchalance at the pain she is causing is eerie and sinister, yet so very compelling.

PACING:
This moves briskly. Your have a gift for language the likes of which is very rare. I flowed through this like I was sliding into bed under satin sheets.

DESCRIPTION:
So well done! The repetition of key phrases is really the key to brilliance, here.
"His heartbeat pounded against my fingernails." and "His heart thrums..." really give the work a pleasing unity and cadence. The end is particular effective with your use of stage-acting imagery. It really gives the story quite a symbolic feel.

CHARACTERIZATION:
Oh, how wonderful a character the Puppet Mistress is! So sly and canny, so uncaring and unfeeling, yet so loving in her machinations and attention to detail. One minute she wants to kill him, the next she plays his life as if he is her greatest symphony, and still the next she is his jealous lover. Bravo!

CONVENTIONS:
Where do I start here? The language and conventions you use to bring this piece to life are masterful. I can't even begin to describe them all.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I hesitate to comment here, for your choices speak of great style rather than ineptitude. I should mention the use of "roll" when you mean "role." Go back and check all words carefully for confusing homonyms.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
There is one glaring misplay that is irking me. Toward the end, you begin to call her the "Puppet Master" instead of "Puppet Mistress." I am hoping I am just missing something. If this is an error, then please rename her appropriately. Not only is it the work's title, but it also plays into the pattern of repeats that you have fostered thus far.

FAVORITE PASSAGE(S):
"She sobs, such a delicate flower, saccharine tears marinating the air between us."
--Beautiful

"His heart thrums as I pull my fingers from his skin- one at a time, admiring the crescent shapes left behind. A gift from me."
--Chilling

"When he finds me I stare into his eyes in a way that says I care- how easy to fill a roll, to stare lovingly and yet feel nothing. He could live his life not knowing, thinking he had it all up until his very last breath when I would say nothing into his ear, and he would never know it was missing, that there was nothing there. At all."
--Philosophical

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I am awe of this. Please, keep at it. In my humble opinion, this has masterpiece written all over it with some proper tweaking.

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
What a glorious revisit of the timeless Christmas classic. I enjoyed reading it very much. The original "Twas the Night Before Christmas" is probably one of the few poems in history with a recognizeable rhythm that never had any music attached to it. You play to that, and your version leaps off the page. I had this connection while I was reading of the short segment from Twilight Zone: The Movie called "Kick the Can" where the young kid comes in the window and makes all the elderly people young again, reminding them that they still drew breath and should enjoy life. With your writing, you would do well to remember that as well. You are not old...you are seasoned!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
No problems that I saw here!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
The rhythm of a few lines is just slightly off, and I might suggest a reworking of some of them. It might even help if you count syllables and make sure they match. The only other thing I would suggest is what I suggest to all quality poets regarding their poems: revisit this every once in a while a tweak and line or word. Good poems become great with this type of on-going attention.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
“Its freezing outside, get in here each of you,
Get in from that cold before your fingers turn blue!”
“I know I must be getting old for I don’t know your names
If you’ve told me before, please tell me again”
--This is my favorite stanza. It is rhyme and imagery worthy of Dr. Seuss himself!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Happy Holidays!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OPENING/HOOK:
The inclusion of the poem at the beginning is wonderfully effective. I am pulled right into this splendid piece about you and your journey with writing and handling reviews. I also like your use of the tried-and-true reader-interrogation. This will never go out of style when used properly, as you do. ("Sounds simple enough, right?")

THEME:
Can there be a better theme for this site than perseverance in the face of criticism? Also, can there be a better one for a personal essay? Your theme is universal and your take on it is worthy. Bravo!

PACING:
Your essay voice is fluid and conversational, a tribute to all great essayists. You take us swiftly through your first days on WDC, and we read avidly as we would listen to an expert story-teller. Even though the piece is short, it leaves nothing untold that needs to be told. Bravo!

PIECE OF SELF:
Here is what makes good personal essays great personal essays, and you slide right up to great with your personal stories to illustrate the theme of perseverance in the face of exposing your writing to the world. From your father at the beginning to the "angry monster" that had such an unforeseen effect on you, you pepper this with enough "Carol" that after reading, I feel I know you fairly well!

WORLDS OF WISDOM:
Here is where I check for outside influences. Essays need at least some corroboration from the outside world, even personal narratives. It helps to add to your credibility. I like your quote from G. Gordon Liddy. He lived up to his words, too! After spending almost five years in prison for Watergate, he is now a successful talk show host.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
No complaints!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I like this just the way it is, except that I want more. In fact, I want so much more Carol that I am searching for a collection of essays by her that are like this one: concise, topical, heart-felt, and didactic. That is all just a very convoluted way of saying I would like to see this expanded.

PERSONAL INTERJECTION:
Every writer's personal journey is different and unique, but essentially the same. It can almost be depicted as a sliding meter, labeled "Confidence." Craft can be learned and honed. Talent is important and adds the taste to the stew. But whether a writer makes it to meet his or her potential is almost exclusively dependent on the "Confidence" meter. Once we can learn how to keep it stable and always moving up, we can blossom into our potential.

FAVORITE PASSAGES(S):
"I realized the sun still shone in the sky, and the earth didn’t open up and swallow me whole.
--A beautiful sentence describing the revelatory moment.

"I learned that I love to write more than I hate to be criticized."
--A wonderful sentence! Here is your essay's climax, and it is poetically expressed. And I feel exactly the same way.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I truly did enjoy your writing, and will visit your portfolio again soon!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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I learned that I love to write more than I hate to be criticized.
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Review by PatrickB
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Sometimes I think it is, sometimes not. Your poem speaks to a universal theme so familiar to us all that we can't help but relate. It is hard when we are not the one chosen; what is wrong with us? It is also hard not to have bitter feelings for the one who doesn't choose us, but your narrator is redeemed at the end by giving the beloved his or her best.

CONVENTIONS:
There are very few in this poem, and that is a shame. The use of conventions is what makes our poetry stand out from just normal prose in stanzas (although sometimes that is fine, too). This is purely a narrative poem, a bland stew of heartfelt feelings that means more to you than the reader as it is now. But it can mean more! You can make us care so much that we hurt right along with you! That is the technique of the poet. We use language to relate to one another. Here, you are telling me a scenario without convention. It needs more. Metaphors, similes, symbolism, something. In many poems, the poet gets away with not having figurative language because of a particularly good rhyme scheme and/or rhythm. Unfortunately, neither is present here. You have a hold of a very universal theme. Make sure you make it unique for us!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
Your grammar is fine! Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Let me say this before I continue. You have the desire and talent to be a wonderful poet. What you need is practice and a thick-skin. Both you can get here, so don't get discouraged! We want to help you, and we don't do that by telling you your poem is "nice" and pat your head. We foster young talent like yours. I have been writing for almost thirty years, and I still learn something new every day and improve dramatically. I still make poor choices and stupid mistakes. Writing is a life-long skill that is never mastered.

What needs to be done here is for you to review poetic conventions so you know what they are, if you don't already. They are like your tool-box. Why spend all your time and energy screwing in a flat-head screw with a butter-knife when you have a power-drill available?

Look at this link:

http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0072405228/s...

Particularly look at metaphor, simile, and sybolism. Then, open up an edit of this poem, keep all the sentiment and narrative elements and rewrite it using more figurative language.

For example:

"I just wish our friendship would have mattered,
More than it does now"

How does this make the narrator feel? Like what? It makes him or her what? Like an empty pizza-box, no longer having a purpose? Or maybe a forgotten pet, once the newness wears off. I hope you see what I mean. It is with these types of comparisons that you help us relate to your specific vision.

This poem seems like it is personal to you. Is there an item, a song, a funny story, a picture that the two of you shared? These are things that make your bland words come alive with the flame of personal experience and what makes us, as readers, relate. Remember, a blue million poems over the centuries have been written about a locket, a wedding ring, a lock of hair, a love note, a fragrance, a song. These items are symbols, and when you imbue your own personal experiences on them, your poem becomes a unique expression of your life for us all to understand.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Since you are new here, I am going to reivew your only other entry also. My advice to you is to create a "Poetry" folder and just start writing them, one right after the other. Then read some poems from these wonderful poets Mandy and Winnie Kay and Stephanie Grace .
Great poets abound here at WDC! Don't limit yourself just to those three. Work at it, play with the words, mold them into exactly what you want them say. Don't settle for your poems being ordinary. And last but not least, don't leave us. If being a witer and poet is what you want to be, there is no better place than WDC!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Dragonfly  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
A touching ode to the beautiful and enigmatic dragonfly, written as it was after losing someone special. We often look to things around us to explain why we lose, as if we feel we have missed something we should not have. There certainly are worse creatures to question than the poetically-compelling dragonfly. I love how you imbue the simple creature with the universal spirit of us all as it "reminds" the narrator what is important.

CONVENTIONS:
I have to say your very first line is my favorite. The repeated "Dragonfly, O dragonfly," gives the poem the tone of a prayer, which is very effective. There is a wistfulness at the beginning, a plea for understanding. I would have liked to see a few more instances of figurative language, a well-place metaphor or simile.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There is only one instance I see that needs a comma:
"A love that transcends all limits surpasses time and space." There should be a comma between "limits" and "surpasses," to take the place of an implied "and."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Just the aforementioned grammar issue and an addition of a metaphor or two.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Dragonfly, oh Dragonfly, share with me your magic.
Your iridescence and illumination in contrast with the tragic.
--I love this couplet. These are the strongest of the entire poem, in my humble opinion. They hold it's theme, its subject, and its best use of language.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I will visit your poems again soon!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of I AM  
Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
This is an inspiring hymn that uplifts one's faith, no matter what that faith may be. This, more than anything in the work, is what I like most about it. It addresses spirituality at its core with universal appeal rather than constrained by dogmatic exclusivity. Anyone who believes in the soul and spiritual nature of our existence can identify with this regardless of religious affiliation. I salute this effort to include everyone in your hymn.

CONVENTIONS:
This is one long list of aptly-used metaphors, and they are all quality comparisons. In fact, by the very title we know this is going to be an exercise in metaphorical comparison. You follow through well with that promise throughout.

Here are two of my favorite metaphors:
"I am the cloak that surrounds you in the darkness..."
"...the caw of a seagull..."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Have you considered putting this into stanzas? I think that it would do well in a poem with a steady rhythm or else a free verse with attention to end-rhyme. The writing and words are perfect; I would just consider which format you want them to flow through and which would best serve them.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Keep writing!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review by PatrickB
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a reader and lover of words

OVERALL SENSE:
A simply heartbreaking poem, Winnie, made even more so after reading "A Thanksgiving Farewell" . For those of you who do not know the story, I point you to it to understand the true meaning of this poem. As a father, I can relate to some of the events and feelings described. The rest I hope I never have to.

CONVENTIONS:
The meter and rhyme are perfect. This is one of the things I love most about your poetry, Winnie. As with "Roses in Heaven" , your precise choice of wording and rythm -- a gift that you share with us -- gives the poem an elegance of form.

Also, the way the first stanza finds a coda at the end is particularly effective.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"My heart did speak. I let her fly.
She soared with sweet delight,
Only to find her dreams a lie.
Her wings were torn in flight."

This stanza breaks my heart, both from the point of view of a father but also as a human being who is angered and repulsed by the loss of life so young in such a senseless way. The last line of this stanza is the theme of the poem and its most beautiful.

I am big fan of your work, Winnie. Your niece lives on with every reader that absorbs this tragedy through your skillful words. Please, tell your brother and his wife that I care and will keep "Elizabeth" alive in my memory as well. And ask them to give you a big hug from me for helping their daughter gain some measure of immortality; a truly selfless act of love that is worthy of her memory. Although, as I write this, I am sure they have done so a hundred times over. Bless you and your family.

Warmest Regards,
Patrick

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