PatrickB's (pabernardy8) Reviews

PatrickB

Review Requests: OFF

675 Public Reviews Given

703 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

A review you purchase from me will always be proofread, thorough, and carefully considered. I try to strike a balance between encouragement and honesty. What you can expect from me is a discussion of what your piece said to me as I read it and strategies for what I thought could be improved. I also point out specifically any errors that I found in the piece (although if it is a repeating problem, I will explain this deficiency generally rather than try to fix each and every one). I always keep my reviews conversational and positive. I'm generous with praise, and I try to speak with confident authority in areas where I have some knowledge. I approach each review I do with the idea that the best way to help someone become a better writer is to model that behavior to the best of my ability. Reviews that contain multiple grammatical and/or spelling errors, present incomplete thoughts, or show a lack of effort do not send a good message to those receiving the reviews concerning my advice.

I'm good at...

Grammar, spelling, sentence and paragraph structure, vocabulary (word choice), characters, dialogue

Favorite Genres

Fantasy, Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller, Drama

Least Favorite Genres

Nothing really. I'll give anything a look.

Favorite Item Types

Short Stories, Flash Fiction, Poetry, Personal Narratives and Essays

Least Favorite Item Types

Nothing really. I'll give anything a look, from contests to group pages to forums to activity rules. If you want someone to take a look at your activity and give it a review, let me know! I'll try to locate inconsistencies in rules and guidelines.

I will not review...

The only items I will not review through this system are novel chapters. I would much rather trade services and make you review mine as I review yours. If you are interested in setting this up, feel free to email me.

76

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3574126

Review of Sonnet - A Melancholy

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Coyote Smith

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This is an excellent sonnet all the way around. Although cryptic (pun intended!) and enigmatic in its literal meaning, it does reward careful scrutiny. After I read it the first time, I was befuddled as to its true meaning. It wasn't until I noticed the beginning of the second line did I discover the carefully laid simile that the entire sonnet becomes. Here we have a narrator who has missed an opportunity, and feels "as though" <insert the sonnet>. This is a very clever device, although you may find that you lose anyone who fails to see the simile. For originality and following the form, I give you props. For cryptic imagery and layered meaning, you also get props. For universal appeal, you may need to write a different sonnet.

CONVENTIONS:
Here again we have the sonnet, that Old World poetry-form that has the added-bonus of having Shakespeare's name attached to, automatically lending it legendary status. As I have said on a number of occassions, the difficulty with writing a sonnet is in keeping your lines within the strict rhythm of iambic pentameter. You do this very well. Your lines also each contain ten syllables each. There is a slight deviation from the norm at the bottom, where you attach the first line of your couplet (the 13th line) to the three quatrains, and dangle the last line. I searched and did not find any proscription against this deviation. I understand why you did it, because the 13th line goes with the lines above it. I also see how the last line (the thematic reproach of the entire poem) is better set off by itself. So, the verdict, here, is that this qualifies as a sonnet, and due to its cryptic nature, would also qualify as decidedly Shakespearian.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I didn't see anything in these areas that needed your attention. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

I might also suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"In sighs and hissing spats of self-struck hate,"
--Wow, what great alliteration of the -s sound! The use of this convention here adds a layer of anger and power to the line that it otherwise would not have.

"...if only I had stopped to kiss your face!"
--As mentioned before, here is the thematic reproach of the poem, the moment where the narrator lays out his or her regret, giving the poem its moment of irony. I sense a man (or woman) who has come to a lonely place in life and sees with regret all the mistakes that led away from happiness and the fruition of potential. It is so true that we see life behind in panoramic vistas of squandered opportunities and carefully calculated misjudgments; deserts and swamps of discontent.

Thank you so much for sharing your sonnet with us and for the the mental exercise of figuring out the true meaning of your words. I do not say that as an insult, but instead as a compliment. All poetry should not be accompaniment to pop songs, after all! Let them have the bubble gum, and I will keep the quill and the thinking cap!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D., Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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77

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14 days may be credited.

#3574083

Review of Ladies of the Night…

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Robin:TheRhymeMaven

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
It is difficult to label this poem. Is it an ode or a lament? I think it works both ways, for you instill a subtle pride for those employed in the world's oldest profession as you paint a less-than-rosy picture of its business. The narrator toils at the gritty work of describing the lifestyle, yet there is respect paid to the traditions and timelessness of prostitution as a voaction. The tone becomes, then, one of exposition as well as glorification, a glaring outcome to be sure. As a poem, it works because of its use of the greater conventions of rhyme and imagery. It is not perfect because of a lack of figurative language. How much more powerful would this image of prostitution be with a greater metaphor or simile in the mix?

CONVENTIONS:
I love the pattern of the rhyme scheme the most. My favorite poems are the ones that attempt to arrange themselves in unique and mathematic patterns. Free verse, by its very nature, eschews this and must garner enough imagery and figurative language to form a quality poem. In this poem, you are aided by your use of patterned rhyme and rhythm, and I think you poem is better for it. Particularly effective is your use of participial verbs in the fifth line of each stanza. These words give the poem its motion. There is only one small hiccup in this pattern, and I will mention that below.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I only found one instance that needs an edit:

"They ‘cum’ and then their gone."

"They ‘cum’ and then they're gone."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I take suggesting rewords very seriously. I never wish to step on a poet's unique ideas for a poem. This being said, sometimes I do have a suggestion that I believe will work as an improvement. Please never be shy in discarding these suggestions if they do not apply to your vision of the work.

"Always peddling, walking, stopping," This is the only one of your "refrain" lines where the last two participial verbs do not rhyme. To keep with the pattern, I might suggest a reword of this line with rhyming words as they do in the other five stanzas.

I might also suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference. A subtly racy image might enhance your poem and get a reader better in the head-space.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"They’ve put up with the leers.
They’ve put up with the frowns.
Pointing, gawking, staring, glaring,
Always looking down."
--Your words here display the shame that is associated with the profession of prostitution. I particularly like the last line, "Always looking down," which creates an evocative image of humiliation in direct opposition to pride and a gaze held erect.

"And, yet, they’re here to stay.
Their wares will always sell."
--Here is where you redeem the profession, giving these ladies a bit of respect for what they have chosen to do. The act of prostitution, once religious dogma is set aside, becomes a philosophical debate between what rights a person has with his or her own body. Many (including me) do not actually believe it is morally wrong to sell sex, nor to purchase it. What is morally wrong is the conditions under which this trade takes place and whether it is an action between consenting adults. Morals do come into play with the possibility of marriage destruction, or with its propensity to exploit the weak. But the trade itself is morally neutral, in my opinion.

I appreciate the opportunity again to evaluate and enjoy your poetry, Robin! You have a gift, I look forward to reading more of your work!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D., Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3570169

Review of The Frog and the Bucket

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, fyn

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This whimsical poem teaches a valuable lesson, yet according to my interpretation, this is not your everyday, run-of-the-mill fable. Does the frog make it out? It seems not, if he was made into butter! This, then, becomes an anti-fable, a moral-play that nails home the sad truth that no matter how hard you try and refuse to give up, you will still fail. There is great value in this type of lesson, for it does not sugar-coat reality. Sometimes the grasshopper lazes around all summer and finds a nice fresh field during a mild winter while the cozy, well-stocked anthill is sprayed with pesticide. And nine times out of ten, the hare is plenty fast enough to beat the shell off of the tortoise and then sit back in a hot tub with a six-pack of Michelob a couple of bunnies on-loan from Hugh Hefner before his opponent even crosses the halfway-mark. Sometimes, life just sucks that way ... and grade school and Aesop both taught with blinders on.

CONVENTIONS:
I like the free-wheeling way in which the poem rolls along. It doesn't have a traditional rhythmic pattern or rhyme scheme, but it still sounds very good when read aloud. Especially entertaining is the verbiage you use to describe the frog in the bucket of milk. (I will comment on specific instances of these below.) Although there is not much in the way of figurative language, that is okay for this poem relies on rhythm, rhyme, and the story to make it quality.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There was only one small instance of error that I spotted:

"Did he ever get out / or give up and die."

"Did he ever get out / or give up and die?" There needs to be a question mark at the end of this line, I think.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

I might also suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"he finned and he frogged,"
--I absolutely love these two verbs you use here! They are alliterative (f- sound) , onomatopoetic (the entire line has a back-and-forth quality to it, sounding like what the frog is doing), and evocative (great imagery)!

I am very happy to have been introduced to your clever and entertaining poetry! I look forward to reading and reviewing more in the future!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D., Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3570146

Review of Siren

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Jimbo

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
I congratulate you on winning 3rd place in last month's "Invalid Item"

for it was well deserved. You have chosen a worthy subject -- the Siren -- making her a singular entity which goes against the general mythology of three women. I like to take liberties with mythology as well, for it is a fluid canon anyway; thousands of people throughout all ages have rewritten the classic stories, especially those first created by Homer and Hesiod in the Greek tradition. Your morphing of the "bird-women" of Odysseus' time into a single temptress works very well. Although there were a couple of small errors I will point out below, this is a very good poem which may need a little tweaking to make it great.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhythm and rhyme are generally very good. You have used an unnamed eight-couplet form which flows nicely into one long stanza. You might look into your syllable count and how you may give the poem more symmetry from top to bottom, although I see no problems with the way it is now. Your imagery is excellent, with a "silver moon," "curly blonde tresses," and a "coral palace." I see a slight reliance on adverbial phrases which you might look into for better clarity of verse (i.e. "serenely," "eternally") I also notice an absence of symbolic language in the poem. I will speak more of this below.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:

"Eternally shackled you’ll be, to her hearts delight,"

"Eternally shackled you’ll be, to her heart's delight," There should be an apostrophe because "heart's" is possessive.

"She’ll tickle and bite without the slightest contrite."

I looked up the word "contrite" because I wasn't sure it was used correctly, here. Sure enough, "contrite" is actually only used as an adjective; the noun-form (which is as you are using it here) is "contriteness."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I have spoken in past reviews of a need for figurative language. I do not wish to beat a dead horse (hyperbole), but a poem without figurative language is like a Christmas tree without lights (simile). Symbolic language is the garnish, seasoning, and flavor of a home-cooked meal (metaphor). Figurative language reaches out and gooses a lover of poetry (personification), and its use lends the poet the ability to create subtle screams of meaning (oxymoron). Perfect poetry possesses a passion-play of colorfully conceived conventions (alliteration). When these figures of speech are used as tools, the poet begins to see his or her expression as a work of art, a unique expression of the self and not simply color-by-numbers. It is the meticulous and judicious use of these devices within various poetry forms using an infinite number of subjects that creates unique and original poetry. I believe your poetry would benefit from bolstering your use of these tried-and-true poetic conventions.

I might also suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference.

Lastly, I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"With curly blonde tresses and an hypnotic eye,
The purest of beauty will draw you nigh."
--I love this sultry image of a pale blonde beauty able to hypnotize with a glance. There is something sexy and sinister about that!

"Translucent swirls and pulsating glows,"
--This is my favorite line in the poem for rhythm and sonorous language. It creates a pleasing image as well, a panorama-like backdrop, a feast for the eyes.

I am very happy to be introduced to your poetry! I think you are very talented and only need to practice with figurative language and other conventions to enhance your craft. Good luck!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D., Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3568625

Review of What If Roles Were Reversed?

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings, Sum1

This review is part of your shower from
"Showering Acts of Joy Group"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL

I have wanted to review this excellent satire ever since I read it back around Christmas. I laughed out loud then, and I laughed out loud this time too. The technique of interviewing works very well, as does the news broadcast. It puts the setting in the familiar and gives us the feeling of watching self-important, preening, and glammed-up talking heads -- something we are all used to and quite sick of, I'm sure. Especially effective is this for General Richardson, who I picture as a sort of cross between Eisenhower and Dallas Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones. Everything from the gasp-inducing answers -- can he say that? -- to the total chagrin of the interviewer work very well in making this such a successful satire. The last section slams home the message with a flourish. The way you give "selfless sacrifice speech" to the athlete is morbidly hilarious (I don't mean to make fun of these types of comments, but they do tend to be by rote and unimaginative, don't they?) This is brilliant work, Jim! A grade-A piece of work that you should be proud of!

THE TECHNIQUE OF SATIRE

This method of pointing out the ills and wrongs of society has a long tradition, and you fall right into line with it. According to its wikipedia entry, a satire is a piece of work where:

"...vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be funny, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon."

Your short lampoon qualifies as a satire quite well, for it pokes fun at the ridiculous amounts involved in professional sports salaries. Your biting irony is caustic and very effective to illustrate the absurdity: that the men and women of the armed forces risk life and limb for low pay and don't complain, while professional athletes risk relatively minimal injury for astronomical sums and whine like spoiled babies. This is a startling dichotomy and a very illustrative example of inverse proportionality. This piece of work also qualifies as a satire because it points out a gross social injustice very clearly by leaving no doubts and no rebuke from the other side. I mean, really, what is the other side's argument here? Football players earn that money, but the armed forces don't?

GRAMMAR/SPELLING

I just saw two little things, and they just happened to be in the same sentence:

"Well, Sergeant Thad just signed on with this brigade recently, we made him the highest paid platoon leader to come work with us."

"Well, Sergeant Thad just signed on with this brigade recently. We made him the highest-paid platoon leader to come work with us." This qualifies as a run-on sentence and you need a hyphen between "highest" and "paid."

Other than this, this is very well edited! Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT

I don't see anything you can do other than expansion to make this better, but I hesitate to recommend even that. The point of all this is satire, and the longer and more in-depth it is, the more likely the point will be missed. I think that you should just take a bow, Jim, and enjoy this excellent little piece!

FAVORITE PART(S)

"Son, we have a lot of money invested in contracts for these men. We can’t risk having them hurt by fighting combat under less than perfect conditions. Too much heat and one of them could suffer heat stroke. And if that was Sergeant Thad, where would I be then?”
--This is great! I get the sense of Colonel Jessup (Jack Nicholson) from A Few Good Men and his speech that begins: "Have you ever served in an infantry unit, son?" It has that same righteous tone, as if it is galling that he has to explain something so evident to a misunderstanding and comtemptuous civilian. "We follow orders, or people die ... it's as simple as that!" HeeHee!

Time is against me, so I must leave you for now! Congratulations again for your enshrinement in the "Invalid Item" and I hope you are enjoying your shower!

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D., The Poetry Contest Corner,
The Boiler Room, Rainbow Writers, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3566291

Review of Passion's sake

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, SWPoet

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
There seems to be a message contained in your sonorous words, one of regret or even remorse. I sense a cautionary tale, here, in giving in to the pleasures of the flesh; a warning not to surrender to the whims of passion. The battle seems to be between passion and reason. I read a person who has given over to the passion of the moment ("Passion swells"), seized upon the fairy-tale of real love ("The fantasy you partake"), and been forced to pay the piper for a tune that was not what it promised to be ("Eternity bound / Destiny found"). My interpretation, of course, could be one of many. I would be interested to see if I am anywhere close to what you intended.

CONVENTIONS:
I like your short lines and stanzas, and your simple yet effective rhyme scheme. I particularly like you description of reason as "sand" and the "desperate" attempts made to keep a hold of it in the throes of passion and temptation. This poem diplays what conventions it does use effectively.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing at all in these areas that does not follow your poetic license for punctuation. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Condemned by love
When lust devours
Your conscience
it will take."
--I like the word inversion you use throughout, and especially in this stanza. I also like how you personify "lust" and the use of the word "devour" to describe what it does to our better judgment ("conscience").

I am very happy to be introduced to you poetry! This poem flows nicely with the theme of our group, and it was my pleasure to give you my thoughts on it!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D., Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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82

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14 days may be credited.

#3566252

Review of The Cobbler

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Liam

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
I have liked this poem ever since I first read it after its entry in "Invalid Item"

Congratulations on that first-place win! It was well deserved! This poem really nails the style of Robert Frost, in my opinion. A simple, sing-song outer layer with a swirling of profound meaning just below the surface. This is quite a daunting task, actually, to balance the simplicity and the profundity, and you do it perfectly. On the surface, we have a cobbler making shoes -- a passion, an obsession, a "relentless duty" -- and just under the surface is the reason why: he knows that how he does his job may affect the fate of nations. There is much in this thought-stream concerning probability, origin-points, and metaphysics. Or perhaps instead, the cobbler's perspective is simply a delusion of his own importance. Frost was famous for writing about neurotic people with nontraditional points-of-view and compulsive behaviors. The poem really does speak on all these levels and is open to interpretation.

CONVENTIONS:
For this poem, we not only need to look at form but also how you mimicked Frost's style, since that was a mandate of the contest. In both instances, you hit a home run. While the form itself may not have been named, you do an excellent job of modeling one of Frost's templates to great effect. The rhyme is impeccable and one of the poem's great aspects. The scheme (which took me a few work-throughs to get) is AABABBCBCDCDC DDDD, and it works so well, truly unifying the piece under a masterful use of greater conventions. Also, of special note is the description of the chiming hammer "that sings the tale" of important events. This touch of symbolism and personification is quite a treat and elevates the poem to greatness.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing at all in these areas that need attention. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Foretelling of potential cost
When horses find their shoe is tossed
In absence of the needed cleat.
The vital bridge remains uncrossed
And we resign to face defeat."
--I literally could quote this entire poem as a "favorite line," but I will just recommend that all readers just read it all and enjoy. I did want to mention this segment of verse, though, because it is where the swirling under-meaning can be found as mentioned above. Here is where the cobbler finds his purpose, his life's meaning.

Liam, this is a masterful poem to be sure! I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the near future!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive, I.N.K.E.D., Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room,
The Poetry Contest Corner, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3563081

Review of The Ultimate Moment

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Greetings, CeruleanSon

This review is part of your shower from
"Showering Acts of Joy Group"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS:
As I was browsing through your portfolio for something to review to celebrate you enshrinement in the "Invalid Item"

, I noticed this short story. The title and subheading caught my eye, and I was not disappointed!

OVERALL:
What a superior tale of a man's final moment! Educational and erudite at its best, gripping and suspenseful throughout, and tantalizingly satisfying at its end, this eschatological monologue is a fascinating read from start to finish. There are many admirable aspects of this story, but perhaps the best compliment I can pay is that here, at the end of my read, I feel I have absorbed a whole that is so much more than the sum of its parts. Now, it becomes difficult (and curiously undesireable) to pull it all apart for critical dissecting. Below I will expound on two areas which I found most rewarding after reading. I will then pull out multiple quotes from this very quotable piece to talk about in more detail.

ESCHATOLOGY AND METAPHYSICS:
These two venerable fields of philosophical study have each been subsumed in other disciplines, whether it be the over-simplifying and dogmatic susperstition of theology or the over-rational and unromantic empiricism of theoretical physics. You bring both back to the reader with a winning recipe of context, setting, circumstance, and description. The narrator's ponderings become a treatise on life after death and the greatest questions humans have ever posed. There is something fascinating about the paradox of a man clenching his buttocks to avoid defecating as he approaches his execution and at the same time, contemplating the fate of consciousness at the moment of death. The age-old hypocrisy of the executing Church, the ironic image of the meek Lamb of God setting fire beneath the feet of a tortured heretic, and the bloodthisty crowd who watches with cheap thrill all give this philosophical descent into death its suspenseful context.

HORROR ASPECT:
In the midst of all the profundity about life after death, the void, and the existence of the eternal soul is a very real human drama, described as a quagmirelike undercurrent. I was truly horrified and on the edge of my seat as the narrator lost all but his sense of touch to the rise of the flames. Indelibly seared into my mind is the image of this poor soul devoured by hungry flames as he contemplates "unknowable" death. Bravo, sir!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found nothing at all in this area that needed your attention. This seems marvelously edited.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
An image! Bring me a visual for this feast for the senses! Other than that, take a bow, for this piece is excellent.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

"The collection of senses that combine to assemble awareness, and the accumulated memories gleaned therewith, that organic, possibly illusory quantity to which I loosely refer as my soul, clings to its fleshly residence with a tenacious desperation born of the knowledge that it is about to be torn loose and cast into the unknown void."
--Oh, how poetic is this vibrant sentence! Masterful!

"I am slave to my bowels, which writhe so within me that I must clench tight my buttocks, squeeze together my thighs, in a desperate struggle to avoid soiling myself. I do not wish to die embarrassed, awash in my own malodor. After my consciousness has departed my flesh and the muscles release of their own accord, is time enough for the stink to envelop me. Let those who cast my remains into the offal pit suffer that revulsion, not I."
--Your verbiage is smoking, pardon the pun. This is just one example of how your narrator imparts perfect description to involve us in his circumstances, not to mention the later irony of how his sense of smell is the first to go.

"The delusion of a divine parent awaiting the last beat of one’s heart to welcome that cast-out spirit into some eternal paradise is one delusion too many."
--Eloquent and such a sarcastic way to view the seeming improbability of God the Father. I love this line!

"Had I saliva, and the breath with which to expel it from my cracked lips, I would spit upon them."
--A last gasp of righteous indignation, this statement nails the narrator as sympathetic to the reader.

"I am immolated. My universe is neither rational nor divine. It is flame."
--Wow! Your excellent story hits its harmoniously angelic chord with these three short sentences, as the entire work comes into sharp focus. Everything before and after this moment -- this "Ultimate Moment" -- is preamble and epilogue.

Time is against me, so I must leave you for now! Thank you for sharing your talent, intellect, and imagination with all of us. And thank you also for a very thought-provoking and entertaining story!

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
group leader of Ink Blot Authors Crew,
and proud member of Simply Positive, Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3562836

Review of #24

Review by PatrickB

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A PatrickB

“REWARD” Review:
This review of your work comes as a prize in the Round 2 drawing of "Invalid Item"

NOTE:
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion.
Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS:
Congratulations on winning a review from "Invalid Item"

This is a review of the item you requested.

OVERALL SENSE:
As I entered your port and noticed the folder "Fractal Distortion"

and its subheading "Poetry, handled by an idiot," I grinned. I had a feeling I was going to have a good time reviewing your poem. There is something to be said for indulging the muse as an insatiable lover, recording data even when she is whispering by rote and just a weak snicker above bored-to-tears. I, on the other hand, call my muse when I am ready, and sometimes I lament that fact; maybe I should let her tickle me instead of the other way around, eh? In any event, I was immediately swept up into your rhythmic ramblings concerning the significance of the number 24. The expression is fun because it brings together subtle references -- the number of hours in a day, the number of letters in the Greek alphabet -- that test one's understanding of how numbers act as symbolic sentinel over our understanding of reality. I believe that fact is the single-most important theme of the work, how significance can be found in just about anything if the light of history, dogma, and existence is used to illuminate the

magnifying glass.

CONVENTIONS:
The rhythm and rhyme of this poem are generally very good. The scheme XYXY works throughout, giving the expression a sing-song cadence. The dominating convention here is allusion, which makes for a fascinating mental exercise as we scramble to catch up to your references. This was no doubt as fun a poem to write as it is to read.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There was a small matter that I think may need to be addressed. Your punctuation is erratic in a couple of your stanzas. Since you use it at all, I believe it should be consistent. The only areas that seem bereft of proper punctuation are the fourth and fifth stanzas, which both are lacking commas and periods. I searched for some poetic reason why those stanzas would be without the punctuation, but if it exists, I don't see it.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I don't see anything other than the punctuation that you could do to improve this, with the exception of expansion. As mentioned above, what is most fun about this are your allusions to how "24" is used contextually within our reality. If you can find more references to it and incorporate them, you would only increase the pleasure of the reader.

I might also suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference.

Lastly, I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"He is number twenty-four,
they told him so last night,
they told him that and nothing more,
then vanished out of sight."
--I love your rhythm and rhyme, but this is my favorite stanza for these conventions. It is quite fortuitous that it is your first one!

"Twenty-three has caught more minds,
a number that darkens the door."
--I was intigued by this reference, not readily deciphering it. I first thought of Christian warnings that were sometimes scrawled on doors to warn of witches or the occult, but when I looked up the reference, it was like a gateway to the true meaning of your poem: the 23 Enigma and the Law of Fives. This jibes quite well with your author's note at the bottom, and also with the theme I found in the entire work, of finding signifance in numbers.

Thanks again for submitting a "hunt slip" in "Invalid Item"

I hope you enjoyed your review as much as I did reading your poem!
Keep writing, for your muse is clever and wise!

Warmest Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Author's Crew, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, Rainbow Writers, The Boiler Room, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3558692

Review of Seasons of Memory

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Kitty Can Write

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a quality expression, make no mistake! The theme of fleeting youth and the compression of memories is apt and definitely worthy of poetry. Your poem speaks of the nature of our memories to remain in the fore of our mind, like the words to a well-known song. I have often pondered the nature of memories and how, as we get older, time seems to speed up. I have come up with one theory, and it has to do with how our minds compress our memories and make them seem like they occurred only yesterday. Most of us know that life does not speed too fast as we live it. If we are waiting for a special day, it seems to take forever to arrive. But in hindsight, it seems like it flitted by as fast as a mile-marker on the interstate. It is this memory-compression that gives us the sense that our life is moving too fast and also why our childhood seems so near to us on the time-line. I have come to the conclusion that it is all a trick of the mind. In any event, this excellent poem brings to mind these ponderings, and for that I thank you. I will speak in the next section about what I specifically liked, but just know that overall, I thoroughly enjoyed deciphering your words in this poem.

CONVENTIONS:
I want to comment first and foremost on your middle stanza, for it is a sparkling jewel! Let me just say this: the other stanzas are definitely above average, but bookending this middle one, they seem plain. I hope you read that as a compliment!

Your rhythm is so perfect in the middle stanza that it personifies grace. I know you wrote the poem, but do something for me: read that middle stanza out loud to yourself now. Hear it? Now, let's list a couple of your phrases: "silken hair," "waltzes," and "whirl." Can you see how well you have created onomatopeia in your stanza? The rhythm of your poem actually sounds like what you are describing! That is masterful and nearly impossible to achieve consciously. Your muse's wand was fully charged when she bestowed that thought-train on you! The best poets are skillful artisans opening their minds to the beauty of the universe and channeling Plato's infinite Forms of Beauty and Truth. You tapped into something with that middle stanza! Now, to comment on the rest, I will say that your poem qualifies as a sonnet in rhyme-scheme and syllable-count. Where it (and most other attempts at sonnets) falter is in the use of iambic pentameter. Your middle stanza has it, the other two do not. I recommend studying up on iambs, trochees, dactyls, etc. to learn how to master poetic meter.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found nothing at all wrong in these areas! Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
This poem is definitely worth perfecting into a sonnet. I would recommend blocking aside some time and seeing if you can't adapt the first and third stanzas into pure iambic pentameter. You subject is more than worthy, and you have proven that you have a gift for the form. I also offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Sun-kissed tendrils of youthful, silken hair
dance waltzes through the cloudless, azure sky.
My youthful laughs still whirl and echo there
along the river’s aged and watchful eye."
--What else can I say? Alliteration of the -s sound in the first two lines creates a marvelous melody in the mind. The end-rhymes of all four lines are sheer perfection!

I was most impressed with your ability to write quality poetry, Kitty! Now, I have that feeling I get when I run across pure poetry as I did in your middle stanza and it rekindles my love of what I do every week. Thank you for that!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3558535

Review of Appomattox Autumn

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, ♥Hooves♥

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
It was interesting that when Mandy

chose this poem for me, she didn't immediately recognize the name "Appomattox." She even mispronounced it. I was struck yet again (as I often am while living here in Australia) how American history is not everyone's history, yet it is ingrained in us that the rest of the world should know. Every child in America who goes past 8th grade (and pays just a little bit of attention in history class) has a passing recognition of the term "Appomattox" and the courthouse in that small burgh where Lee surrendered to Grant, ending the American Civil War. We presume too much when we assume that a native and proud Queenslander would have any clue what "Appommatox" is as a location let alone a historical concept. As is my desire, my provincialism crumbles a little bit more every day. Your poem to this bittersweet day is quality in that it gives us the past and the present, and connects the two with a taut string of time and the need to learn lessons from the past. I am put in the mind of a scene from the movie Remember the Titans, when Coach Boone (Denzel Washington) leads the team in the early morning hours through the woods to the battlefields of Gettysburg. His words echo your poem in purpose and message: "This is where they fought the battle of Gettysburg. Fifty thousand men died right here on this field, fighting the same fight that we are still fighting among ourselves today. This green field right here, painted red, bubblin' with the blood of young boys. Smoke and hot lead pouring right through their bodies. Listen to their souls, men. I killed my brother with malice in my heart. Hatred destroyed my family. You listen, and you take a lesson from the dead." War is tragic, but what dwarfs even that tragedy is to repeat the same mistakes and give ground against what is gained. The message in your poem is well taken!

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhyme scheme is interesting, irregular yet sonorous (AABA - CCDC - EEFE - GGHG). The only problem I found with your end-rhymes was the use of "cannons" and its rhyme with "man" and "understand." For perfection, I think that first line of the second stanza may need to be revisited. I am sure a poet of your skill can find a suitable word to add to the rhyme scheme. Rhythmically, I like you choice of words and the subtle rhythm. The message of the poem dominates the conventions, which is totally fine - the message itself is strong in that way. I like the imagery of "ghosts" and "darkness" and "cannons." It gives the impression you are shooting for -- death, regret, tragedy, remembrance.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I did not see any areas that need attention. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I only recommend taking a look at that one word to bring it further into end-rhyme compliance. Other than that, this is a quality expression.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Burnished hues of red and golden splendor"
--Describing the explosion of colors in the trees during autumn is a poetic staple. I may take it for granted a bit because I grew up in Kentucky, but the majesty in the hillsides of Appalachia in October is the stuff of legend. This is a very nice way to start off your poem.

"Lush green fields alive with booming cannons"
--Although not exactly oxymoronic, this line reveals a ironic use of contradiction in its imagery. We see the "lush fields" and feel the "booming cannons," and they are both all the more stark in their close relation to one another in the description.

We haven't had much opportunity lately to review your poetry; the more weekly winners we have, the longer it takes us to get back to past winners. As always, I love reviewing your poetry. I haven't seen you around much, and I hope everything is okay!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3557057

Review of Dear Diary

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings, RS KrisAnn-Thanks Blainecindy! , fellow Rising Star!

It is my privilege to review you as part of "Random Thoughts and Cares"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE THIS ITEM:

I noticed as I was browsing your port that this item was highlighted, had won an awardicon, and also had many favorable reviews. I decided to see what it was all about, and I am glad I did!

OVERALL SENSE:

I have only been introduced to your writing through your reviews, one of the main reasons why I chose you to review this month. If this piece is to be a yardstick-measure of your talent, than you have a large store of it indeed. This touching if slightly sad little tale of teenage pregnancy and its consequences does many things right, showcasing your writing ability. I like how you have chosen to tell this tale after the fact, with a narrator that is much wiser and more able to deal with her new life. This gives the ending a much more upbeat and positive slant, a cautionary tale that proves that no dreams are totally derailed if we keep our eyes on the prize.

DIARY FORMAT:

I think your choice to make this a diary entry does many things for you. It makes the story more personal and allows for your character's idiosynchracies to come through, like when she admits to her diary that she is vain and condescending about her appearance. There is also an element of irony that first person confessional allows, a backward-looking clarity that increases the entertainment value for the reader.

OTHER ASPECTS I LIKED:

I like how you do not make Ricky a bad guy. It would be predictable if he had jumped ship and avoided the situation, or worse yet, if your narrator turned the entry into a polemic against him. I think it is so much more realistic and interesting that he is still in Baby Sarah's life and there doesn't seem to be any hate flung in his direction.

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION:

If I were editing this according to standard literary style, there might be a couple of comma placements I would recommend or sentence fragments or some slang-usage. However, because you are writing this in first person as a diary entry, I think that it adds flavor and authenticity to the work to leave these things in, just as the narrator would have written it. Thus, I am making no comments concerning these areas. I will say that this work is remarkably free of any major errors, a credit to your grammar knowledge.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

It would only do to recommend expansion for this story, but that would require turning it into something different altogether. For what it is, it seems complete and polished. It showcases your ability to create a compelling story with believable and sympathetic characters. There are all kinds of possibilities with this story, but I am sure you have already considered them.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

"Ricky was the boy who got the snowball rolling in the wrong direction."
--The more I read and review the wonderfully talented members at WDC, the more I notice the use of effective figurative language in prose-writing. It is the one thing that makes the difference between crisp, popping fiction and drab "telling" yawnfests. This sentence is a wonderful metaphor! You would do well to write like this as often as possible.

"As soon as I heard her scream with her lungs full of air for the first time, I knew I loved her. "
--This is a very touching moment, and told with just the right amount of understatement.

I am glad I was finally able to delve into your fiction, KrisAnn! I think you are an excellent writer with a bright future and I look forward to visiting your port more often in the future!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive,
Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3555521

Review of The Only One

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings, Alexandra Jones , fellow Rising Star!

It is my privilege to review you as part of "Random Thoughts and Cares"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE THIS ITEM:

I was looking through your port when I noticed this little gem of a story. I love your fiction writing and I certainly don't mind reading something a bit longer. I am glad I chose this one, for it was a well-told tale of fantasy and humanity.

OVERALL:

Your instincts for how to tell a story are on full display here. You know to start off with action, you balance pace and description, you latch onto the reader's senses and appease them, you use creative verbiage to describe the scene with original similes and metaphors, and you envision a compelling and fantastic universe with understandable rules and recognizeable scenery. Not bad at all, Ali, and I have a feeling you do all of this without much thought, as if it is a code written into your talent. These things are not easy for many of the writers here, but you make it seem effortless and that is why one day you will have legions of fans who will digest every word you write.

AN EXCELLENT IDEA FOR A STORY:

I love cats! I always have! When I was seven or eight, my mom would take me to the public library and I would check out my eight-book allotment on "the Big Cats." As I got older, I eschewed dogs (too messy and not clever enough!) and kept cats; five total in my life and I have loved every one. In any event, there are many cat-lovers in the world who would latch right hold of this story, because many would love to have the ability as Jayden and Dylan do -- to shift into a predatory masterpiece of feline beauty. Before you spellbind us with your story and writing ability, you draw us cat-lovers in with your subject alone.

ABBRIDGED FOR CONTEST CONSUMPTION?:

I see this a lot, and it is a shame. Some really great ideas blossom for contest paramters and then wilt on a lush vine of juicy inspiration, indifferently cast aside after the contest is past. I sincerely hope that you decide to flesh this out. It is a sure-fire winner, in my opinion. On the other hand, great writers realize that even if they have written something inspired that there is plenty of water in that well and they shouldn't obsess too much over a story when another idea is tickling. Finding the balance to expand seems to be the hardest part of being an active member of WDC. There are so many oportunities to start and complete shorter projects and get that needed feeling of accomplishment, yet not as many opportunities to expand ideas into long ones because we are always forced to shift gears to review, judge contests, or participate in other community ventures. This continues to vex me, as I am sure it does you.

CLEVER DETAILING:

I wanted to talk briefly about your knack for inserting important details that bring your story to life. I want to list three of my favorites, here. These are all examples of how you are able to tell a story that breathes and moves with life, pulsing with an artistic sensibility that has to be pure talent.

"But the sweep of his paw connects - his claws bite into my cheek like razors, and the metallic taste of blood floods my mouth."

"My voice is weak with disuse, but my Irish accent is strong as ever."

"At first, he wobbles slightly, unsteady on only two legs, but he quickly falls into a loping gate that reminds me of his prowling jaguar form. His naked body is exquisite. Smooth planes of muscle that glide with liquid grace."

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:

This seems remarkably well written and/or edited. I only noticed a couple of things:

"...my mind floods with crystal clear memories of my escape."

"...my mind floods with crystal-clear memories of my escape." According to the rules of hyphenating, "crystal-clear" qualifies as an adjective phrase modifying a noun and should therefore be hyphenated.

"He bends down and picks up the rabbit, 'We should start a fire. It will go farther if we eat in human form.'"

"He bends down and picks up the rabbit. 'We should start a fire. It will go farther if we eat in human form.'" I think that a period and not a comma works better as the description of the action moves into the dialogue.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

There were but a few things I would offer as suggestions to improve this. Please only consider these in the spirit they are given, and never be shy to discard them if they do not mesh with your vision or style.

Suggested Reword: "Fire lances through my muscles as they ripple and contort, reshaping me into the human girl I was born as."

"Fire lances through my muscles as they ripple and contort, reshaping me into a human girl." The last part of this sentence is a bit awkward and glaring against the rest of your excellent prose. I don't have a great suggestion; this type of sentence is difficult to fix. My advice is just to leave the part about being born out and it fixes the problem.

Suggested Reword: "Confusion clouds his eyes as he stares down at me as if he has never seen the signs of happiness before."

"Confusion clouds his eyes; he stares down at me as if he has never seen the signs of happiness before." I think by adding the semicolon, the sentence reads better.

I am not sure how you wish to handle your use of "cat form" and "beast form." I believe they should be hyphenated as you use them, but I did not want to put them in the grammar section because they are such an integral part of your story, and you can use poetic license to punctuate them however you want. I was just calling them to your attention to consider.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

"His eyes are the golden color of ripe wheat, and they glow with restrained violence."
--If someone ever asks me, "Why are you such a fan of Ali's writing?" I will point them to this sentence. You are entirely too young to write such effortless descriptions.

"His size should give him the advantage in any fight except for one clinching fact - he is an animal and I am a shifter. With the strength of a cougar and the intelligence of a human, I should have the upper hand."
--Here is where we get the first taste of the idea of a "shifter," and it is very well placed, after we have absorbed the hunting scene and some action. Timing is everything, for this, and you nail it.

"A gasp escapes those lips as the last quivers of the shift rake through his body, and I am left looking up into the golden eyes of a young man."
--I included this description because I just love how you use the onomatopoetic word "rake" in this instance to describe quivers of the body. Excellent!

"When his eyes finish drinking in my face, they wander down over my naked breasts. A blush creeps into my cheeks as pleasant fire flickers within me, licking me from the inside. He interprets my blush as embarrassment."
--Are you kidding me? This sequence of sentences sizzles with sexuality, bolstered by your poetic use of erotic arousal "licking" her "from the inside." I think you have tapped into the definition of animal carnality! I think you really need to write more poetry, because your prose is filled with it!

What can I say about your talent and ability that I have not already said? With every passing day and in every way,
you continue to blossom, here. I just want you to make sure I get some autographed copies of your bestsellers!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive,
Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3554283

Review of The Jester

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

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Greetings, Sum1

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
There are not many circumstances more tragic than a child dying of a disease. The slow, methodical coping with the inevitable causes its own kind of tragedy for the people who love the child. I have thankfully never been close to a situation like this, but I can't imagine how I would cope. Your main character obviously has a fulfilling career where he feels as if he gives something back to the world; unfortunately, we see by poem's end that what he is giving is little pieces of himself that he can never restore. I am sure he is okay with that, yet can't help but feel the depletion. Overall, the skeleton for an excellent poem is already here, but it is in need of some lesser conventions (simile, metaphor, metered rhythm, etc.) to "bring out the color" in the idea.

CONVENTIONS:
The portrayal of this performing clown as a jester is a quality metaphor that works in the poem. Medieval jesters were often considered boobs or fools, and to extend that metaphor to the main character, a shade of meaning becomes apparent: he does his work, gives a piece of his soul, and just very well may be a fool for doing it. The heartbreaking nature of The Jester's life is dripping with poetic irony, and this convention holds the poem together: he will live a long time as his audience members succumb to terminal illnesses. Your rhyme is good if not flawless. The only place where I feel the poem could use a makeover is in its rhythm. You set it up as a structured poem, yet a reader can feel every line bursting with a desire to be free verse or prose. In my opinion as a reader of poetry, this poem is hovering in the middle-ground between poetry and prose. It doesn't have enough poetic conventions to make it compelling poetry, and because you set it up in centered stanzas (i.e. structure), you move away from its prose roots. My recommendation would be to leave it as you conceived it -- as a poem -- and tweak its rhythm so that it is more pleasing to read aloud. I will humbly offer one suggestion below on how you can adjust the rhythm in another section.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
You eschew punctuation in your poem, so I will not offer any advice there except to ask why you feel you don't want punctuation? Punctuation is a tool just like a word, a sentence, or an adjective to help a reader better understand what we have written. Poetry doesn't have to have it unless it needs it. In my opinion, the only poems that don't need punctuation are those that rely heavily on figurative language and/or are brief with few words, like cinquains or haiku. A poet's license always applies, but I only bring this to your attention so maybe you can ask yourself why you chose not to use it in this poem.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I take suggesting rewords very seriously. I never wish to step on a poet's unique ideas for a poem. This being said, sometimes I do have a suggestion that I believe will work as an improvement. Please never be shy in discarding these suggestions if they do not apply to your vision of the work.

Suggested Reword: "The children can’t believe the show on the stage/For a brief period of time they’ve forgotten their age"

"The children can’t believe the show up on stage/For a brief period of time they’ve forgotten their age" I have tweaked a small segment of each line, peeling away a little wordiness yet not changing the essential meaning of either line. If you read each line out loud and focus on where you may be stumbling, a simple reword, ommission, or addition may make all the difference.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Their lives will be short, while his will be long
He’ll be around, long after they’re gone"
--Here is the crux of your poem's theme, the moment where the irony is explained. These lines flow very nice with generous amounts of assonance. These are the types of lines the rest of the poem aspires to.

I think the idea around this series of poems is a winner, Jim. You have real character, compelling circumstances, and the makings of ironic tragedy. The only thing I think the poem needs is a little garnishing of lesser conventions and a tightening of rhythm to make it outstanding.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3550115

Review of Too Late -- Too Soon

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

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Greetings, Winnie Kay

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
The reflective nature of middle age and beyond lends itself to a feeling of times lost, and the wise mind that swells inversely with the physical degradation as one ages is perfectly suited to interpret the emotion of fleeting youth. Your take on this universal sentiment is astounding in its poetic beauty and flawless execution. I will have plenty to say about how you handle a very difficult poetry form below, but here I must applaud your tone and content, which rivals the great poets of times past in my opinion. This is truly a sparkling gem of a poem.

CONVENTIONS:
I looked this poetry form up, for I was unfamiliar with its intricacies. I was very impressed with the rhyme scheme, and especially the interlocking version that you use. There are so many things to balance when you write to the classic forms: content, form parameters, rhyme choices. Average poems usually follow the form in spite of the other two, creating a throw-away expression that is akin to a young artist's first painting when she is still learning brush-stroke techniques and the color wheel. Your execution of the Interlocked Rubaiyat, however, hits the trifecta, with profound content, flawless form, and sonorous rhyme. It does all the things that expert poetry should. What really makes this poem stand out, though, is when it is read aloud. It is during this oral recital that one can really appreciate the interlocking rhyme scheme, a braiding of end-rhyme that makes a poetry aficianodo giggle with delight.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing in these areas that need your attention, but considering the editing master that you are, I would expect nothing less! Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't do this very often, but I would suggest leaving this one alone. It is perfect!

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"The crisp, clean snow slips from the bough
And trickles down life’s beaten brow
To rest in pools of squandered dreams,
No more to grasp or disavow."
--Although every stanza has its own effective motion and figurative language, I want to address this exquisite opening stanza in detail. I love how you flash through contexts with your "drop" of liquid. First, it is melted snow dripping from a tree (youth), then it slides down a toiling face (middle-age), and finally collects in "pools of squandered dreams" (old age). In this instance, the liquid becomes one's spirit or zest for life, and the way you subtly display its journey reveals the skill of a master poet who revels in an expert use of a unique metaphor that makes poetry so glorious. This is some of the best imagery I have ever read on this site!

"My disregard for short-lived prime."
--This sad fact is so universal to us all: how we waste our best years not understanding that are time is finite and realizing too late what we actually had the power to do if we had been wiser, sooner.

"I might have been less discontent."
--Ah, here is the heartbreaking fact! We spend so much energy worrying about things that never come to pass, energy that could be better spent chasing happiness. Realizing this in the gloaming of one's life is doubly tragic.

This has become one of my favorite new poems! I love your skill, the form, and the profound content. I can't wait to read more of your poetry in the coming weeks.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3550096

Review of Heinous Thoughts…

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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Greetings, Robin:TheRhymeMaven

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Veangence and anger drips from this chaotic swirl of a poem, mirroring the content contained within. I have pondered long and hard about how emotions cloud rational thinking; they almost create a dousing shroud that smothers the fire of reason. The most remarkable thing about this poem is how you tap into that clouded feeling our minds experience when at the mercy of strong emotions. The theme of revenge and vigilante justice adds a moralistic angle that is noteworthy.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhyme scheme is fascinating in this expression. Even though it is an acrostic, you manage to give the poem a lyrical quality that is very difficult to achieve. All of your conventions are working wonders for you in this poem, but they also stay out of the way of your content. And what of that content? Thoughts disjointed, fragmented statements, irrational curses all mingle within the paradox created by your form, rhythm, and rhyme. This creates a powerful juxtaposition of the ordered and beautiful in form and chaotic and ugly in content. There is an extraordinary marriage of opposites, as if you are holding up an ordered form to bring greater attention to disordered content, and vise-versa. I am not sure if this was conscious, or just a manifestation of what you think feels right as a poet. Either way, it totally works!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing at all wrong in these areas. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I might suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Fated ways long draped in time
Come to me in haunting rhyme –
Brainless waves of rotting cells;
Heinous thoughts – where evil dwells…"
--I love how this tops and ends the poem, a deranged refrain that sets the mood at the beginning and caps it at the end. I think in this stanza is your best poetry in the entire work, and that is saying much. I particularly like the line "Brainless waves of rotting cells;" It brings to mind my initial thoughts concerning the shroud of emotions and how they can be like a soaking wave without reason ("Brainless") and made of decaying elements ("rotting cells") that overwhelms us.

Your skill as a poet is assured, Robin! This wonderful mish-mash of nicely-executed conventions and a compelling subject proves that you can balance the demands of profound poetry. Bravo!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3550073

Review of The Journey Home

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
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Greetings, JACE - House Targaryen

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
'Tis true that we make our own destiny. I am living that maxim every day as I share my life with my beloved Mandy in Australia. The path we choose leads to other paths and even more branches of opportunity. The thread of your thoughts are right-on. You acknowledge that the course "is not yet well used" and that "wisdom fuels" you along the way. I think it is like this for everyone, so you have achieved a level of universal truth, which is the goal of all quality poetry. Lastly, I want to speak to the last stanza, which makes a most excellent point. It speaks to the fact that we are often fickle and subject to the whims of passion when we chase our dreams, and we often drop them at the first sign of trouble. To borrow a well-used cliche, we must always "keep our eyes on the prize." The message of your expression is moralistic and well considered.

CONVENTIONS:
The Rondeau is such a fun form! It is at the top of my list to try next. You adhere to the form perfectly. Choosing the words for your refrain seems critical, and you have chosen well, for it is the kernel of your theme. Your rhymes are exquisite and sonorous. I particularly like how the third stanza continues the rhyme of the first refrain, adding cohesiveness as is the goal of the Rondeau. The entire poem is very pleasant when read aloud. Mandy and I read each poem to each other out loud every week, and some just sound nice, like this one. I also love the imagery of the path, and you help this along by the excellent choice of images that heads the poem.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found nothing at all wrong in thee areas. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"My journey's not a passion play,
A show I watch, then chase away."
--This is my absolute favorite line. It sounds so poetic and carries a deeper meaning, as described above.

You are a most excellent poet, Jace! The poems of yours that I have read so far reveal a deeper understanding on your part of the mechanisms of life's journey. I am looking forward to reading more in the weeks to come!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3549709

Review of The Secret Life of Flowers

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

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Greetings, 🌕 HuntersMoon

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This is such a intricate, pleasing sonnet for imagery. Great poetry takes the simplest pleasures and portrays them in unique ways. You use clever figurative language, arranged just so to bring about the best possible description of a field of flowers at dawn. Your skill as a poet is on full display, here, with sonorous rhyme, precise vocabulary, and a worthy subject. While the form is not flawlessly handled (more below), this is a superior effort that deserves perfection.

CONVENTIONS:
Iambic pentameter is very difficult to achieve. I find myself struggling to keep my iambic lines from sounding too much like a drumbeat march, distracting from my words or overpowering them altogether. Somewhere is a middle-ground, I think, and that is where the beauty of the sonnet lies. Form poetry has strict rules and an accompanying jargon, and I have tried over the months to learn this and understand exactly what concepts like iambic pentameter actually mean. My interpretation is that an iambic line must alternate accented and unaccented syllables (or what is called poetic feet) all the way through, like so:

duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH-duh-DUH

I am not exactly clear at this point if an occassional trochee, dactyl, pyrrhic, or spondee foot are acceptable to maintain adherence to iambic pentameter. My instincts tell me that they should not. If this is the case, then you have a few instances of these other types of feet in your sonnet, which disqualifies it from perfect form-adherence. A few examples of feet other than iambic include:

"The dew turns to mist..."

In this phrase, it does not sound right to accent "to" and unaccent "mist." If this is said naturally, the "turns to" becomes a pyrrhic foot, or two unaccented syllables as is used to say of the.

"gossamer"

This word is a dactyl, a word or phrase of three syllables said together with only the first syllable accented. Other examples of this type of foot include Emily Dickinson or the words jibbering and jabbering.

There are other examples like this within your sonnet that lead it away from perfect iambic pentameter compliance.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing at all in these areas that needs work!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would only recommend taking a look at exactly what iambic pentamter entails and how best you can tailor the words within your sonnet to comply. I am still learning poetic meter, and as I do, I gain a new appreciation for Shakespeare and the other English poets who perfected its use. It is a difficult charge to write a compelling poem according to such stringent rhythmic guidelines. And one other small item of note: at the bottom where you describe the form, you have a typo with "16" lines when it should be "14."

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"The dew turns to mist, in a skyward flight;
--I love how you describe the process of evaporation, here. Very nice!

"Morning winds whisper their canorous tunes
as each blossom moves in a rhythmic sway"
--This is an incredible image brought to life by your excellent choice of words. I see the flowers dancing to the sound of the wind!

"In symbiosis, like links in a chain,"
--This is a superior simile! It's one of the best I had read in a while! Nice way to finish!

I love your poetry, Ken, and I am so happy when I get a chance to review it! Your attempt at this sonnet is noteworthy in a portfolio full of excellent poems.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3546521

Review of How strange it is

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

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Greetings, SWPoet

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
What an absolutely incredible poem! The dynamics of our relationships engulf us all throughout our lives, and this excellent piece brings to words a common problem -- one who cannot hear because they refuse to listen. I have to admit that I have had similar issues in my own relationships; finishing comments, stealing thunder, admitting my faults in one breath and justifying them in the next. This piece was very close to me, for I have been trying to fix this same tendency of mine. There is a quality about this expression that is difficult to define but that totally works. Maybe it is simply how heartfelt and repentent the narrator seems, how effective the apology. It gives the reader a profound sense of appreciation for not only the narrator's partner, but also the narrator herself, to arrive at this epiphany and to admit the losses suffered due to the behavior. At the end, we are left uplifted, and we join the narrator in the redemption only possible when forgiveness is sought. This is a winner all the way around, Brandy!

CONVENTIONS:
I love it when a poem can be great without the dominant conventions of rhythm and rhyme, and this one surely qualifies. In my opinion, the convention that lifts this poem to greatness is the way in which you conceive your theme and then nail it home with a series of metaphors and one excellent simile: "It’s like I’ve traveled miles of forest throughout our married years only to end up standing in my own two footprints."

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I find nothing to comment on, here. The poem seems to be perfectly written.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer no comment for improvement. This is a fabulous poem and one you should be very proud that you have created!

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Thinking I know
what you're about to say, I end up with no idea but my own."
--This line is tells us exactly what you are talking about. I don't think you could have explained it any better than this.

"I've missed out on the songs of your soul,
the poetry of your heart, the playground of your mind.
--These three phrases are incredible and really make the poem shine for figurative language.

"Here I sit once more, traveling through your psyche
after having just discarded the map."
--This is my favorite line in the poem! The way this image of a "map" is used to show the narrator's refusal to be guided by the person with whom she lives when it comes to her understanding of him is the mark of a quality poet.

I continue to be fascinated and impressed by your skill as a poet. I have become a very big fan!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3542157

Review of The Sound of Consequences

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings, NickiD89 , fellow Rising Star!

It is my privilege to review you as part of "Random Thoughts and Cares"

. Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE THIS ITEM

When I went to your portfolio to discover what wonderful short story of yours I could review, I noticed that you had this one highlighted, that it was award-winning, and rated very high by several members. Those are all good indicators of a good story, no?

MY OVERALL THOUGHTS

This is the second story of yours I have read, and you definitely have the gift. I hate to wear-out the Rod Serling references like I did with "Controlling Nature"

, but this little vignette of action, mystery, and the supernatural is just as clever, entertaining, and thought-provoking as any I have read. I want to dive into a couple areas below to speak on, but overall, this is exactly what short fiction should be: easy-to-read, perfectly paced, adequately described, climactic, and suitably resolved.

OPENING PARAGRAPH

Your first paragraph is excellent, for it does so many things for you. First and foremost, it builds both the physical as well as the emotional/intellectual nature of your main character. Secondly, it contains an element of irony and foreshadowing about what is to come. The story is not so much about the magical coin as it is about Ricky and his ability to hear, and you set this out very effectively at the beginning.

PACE VERSUS DESCRIPTION

Like the equilibrium one finds between the accelerator and the clutch while driving a five-speed, these two aspects of fiction coexist in a zero-sum game. What you give to one must be taken away from the other. Very few fiction writers find this perfect balance; the ones that do are the ones that write and sell dozens of book that the public devours (Michael Crichton, Nora Roberts, John Grisham, Dan Brown). As mentioned above, this is the second story of yours I have read, and I recall speaking to this ability of yours in the last review as well. Whatever skill it is that not only allows an author to crisply describe a setting and action and at the same time restrains extra verbiage, you have it. Your scenes are vivid and brisk, a winning recipe!

CHARACTERIZATION

Ricky is painted very well, with a nice mixture of backstory (telling) and reaction (showing). You make him grumpy (his answer to Wendy about the train arriving), vulnerable (his father's reaction to his bumbling on the hunting trip), courageous (his ambush of the intruder), and, at the last, rapacious and opportunistic (escaping with the coin). This is quite a portrait painted in two-thousand words!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING

There were but a couple minor edits I would like to point out to you::

"Wendy’s mud brown eyes gleamed..."

"Wendy’s mud-brown eyes gleamed..." This compound adjective needs a hyphen.

"...but took a student teacher position to train..."

"...but took a student-teacher position to train..." This compound adjective needs a hyphen.

"He’d stood shivering deep in the forest, a ten year old boy..."

"He’d stood shivering deep in the forest, a ten-year-old boy..." This compound adjective needs hyphens.

"By the time the three emerged under twilight’s sky Ricky had stopped..."

"By the time the three emerged under twilight’s sky, Ricky had stopped..." Placing a comma after an introductory prepositional phrase is tricky, for it depends on its length. This one, however, is long enough that it should have a comma separating it from the subject of the sentence.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT

You have some room to expand this story. It is tight and brisk and enjoyable, but you've built up plenty of reader-goodwill with the story's premise and your characters that more description and depth would not go amiss. But if you choose not to expand, you have an excellent short story the way it is.

FAVORITE PARTS

"Air moved across his face like the breath of a butterfly, but he perceived it just the same."
--Wonderful simile!

"She signed quickly; her fingers flew across the space between her face and her chest. 'I can’t wait to see my brother! He’s been in Guatemala for three years; can you imagine? And he’s got news; I wonder what it is? Anyways, you’re going to love him!'"
--It is not an easy thing to flow into dialogue that is signed, but you do it here masterfully for the reader. I saw her hands move and was not confused at all by how she said what she said.

"This was his chance to be normal, the gift to freedoms he’d been denied. But they’d want it back. He clenched his fist, decided. Bounding over Wendy, he sprang for the door."
--Ah, human nature at its finest. This act described right here lessens the effect the ending has on the reader. We lose a little sympathy for Ricky, and need to do this to absorb the price of taking the coin that occurs at the very end.

It is my pleasure to review you as part of "Rising Stars!" You are an excellent storyteller, with marvelous skills that will take you as far as you want to go!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
group leader of Ink Blot Authors,
and proud member of Simply Positive,
Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3534978

Review of Of Salem, Then

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
There is much to praise about this excellent poem, such flowing style and sage advice. One half lyrical ballad and the other half cautionary tale, you have concocted a masterpiece of historical poetry. As I have mentioned in reviews before, I am much more enamoured with poems that require a little thought to put together and interpret; meaning is not something in poetry that should be doled out like dinner at a slop-house: a splatter of mashed potatoes from a well-worn spoon, easy and plain. The most rewarding meanings and epiphanies are borne from the careful arrangement of imagery and conventions that, in hindsight, are self-evidently universal. In other words, a poem is best when it is not too simple nor too esoteric. You have found the middle ground of meaning perfectly, in my opinion. Our subject is humanity's propensity for persecution, and more specifically, scapegoating. Comparing the Salem witch trials to the Jewish Holocaust is an apt comparison, even though there is a huge gap in degree. Both of these horrible events reveal a universal truth about human society that is too important to ignore, just as you advise in your final verse:

"Much fear, I say, if we, naive,
think ourselves much differently
than witness, judge, in Salem, then,
or witch accused by our own kin."

CONVENTIONS:
The rhythm and rhyme are perfect and non-intrusive. This is one of those poems that utilizes important conventions, yet does not use them as a showcase. It is the meaning of the words that is most important. The most dazzling rhythmic feature is your use of repetitious refrains to begin verses, recorded with inversion and lyrical care. The use of the interrogative -- as in beginning stanzas with "What..." and then ending them with question mark -- creates a tone of righteousness, almost as if you are explaining something to another so self-evident that they will have no choice but to agree and believe. It is these inversions and interrogatives that make this such a pleasing lyrical poem. I have to say that I am not sure why the last stanza breaks the rhyme scheme. It was not readily discernible until I went back to analyze it. Since it did not distract me from reading it on the first go-round, I would not suggest a change.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found nothing at all wrong in these areas. In fact, you do an excellent job utilizing commas during your inverted interrogatives. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I might suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference, and a desire to make it known that WDC members have the capability to make their static items a true multi-media expression if they choose. I also offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"What fear must they, of Salem, then,
have read upon thy neighbor’s face;
a furrowed brow, suspicious glance,
goose-pimpled flesh on blameless race?"
--I love this stanza! It is such an excellent way to open your poem. The inverted interrogative is such an excellent way to begin the discussion. This stanza also contains incredible imagery, harkening back to the horrible days in that Massachusetts town where neighbors, family, and friends, by their behavior, coined the universal name of a sinister human failing: "the witch hunt."

"And here are we, mere centuries hence
in witches garb on Hallow’s Eve,
while lies we tell, now to ourselves,
that monsters then we’ll never be?"
--You use irony here to great effect. By including the popularity of Halloween and the "witch" as one of the more recognizeable symbols of that holiday, you show how hypocritical humans can be as they deny the most perverse events in history.

You have quite a reputation as a poet; you have aptly named yourself. We are excited to have you in the PM fold so that we may review more of your wonderful poetry!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3534473

Review of Augie

Review by PatrickB

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

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But people themselves alter so much, that there is something new to be observed in them forever.

Congratulations on your nomination into "Ink Blot Hall of Fame"
Along with your nomination, you are also receiving the Jane Austen Fan Package! This is a gift celebrating your enshrinement in "Invalid Item" from PatrickB , coordinator of "Invalid Item" . Thank you for your community spirit! This package includes many things, one of which is this review from the "Invalid Item" !

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS ITEM:
I have seen this item reviewed many times and enjoyed the glowing reviews. It is has always been something I wanted to read and review.

OVERALL:
There is no doubt after reading this why you won the contest and why this excellent story has been published and featured numerous times. It is very touching, a bit mystical, and all warm fuzziness. Your skills as a storyteller and writer are on full display, here. You have managed a complete tale in very few words. Even though it tugs at the heartstrings, this is truly a dog-lover's delight of a story, and we as readers are so happy for Billy, Augie, and the new puppy!

POINT OF VIEW:
"What the woman didn’t tell the boy was that..." I wanted to comment on your use of third person omniscient. Using this point of view has become a lost art, as there doesn't seem to be much reader-patience for listening to an "author's" voice anymore. It is so uncommon, in fact, that when you interjected this in the story, it jumped out at me. I have to say, though, that when it is needed (as it is here), the omniscient point of view becomes extremely useful. For instance, by informing the reader of Augie's past, you totally change how the rest of the story is read. Dramatic irony is an effective tool, when used correctly, and I love your use of it here.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/PUNCTUATION/SYNTAX:
There were two small issues with grammar that I noticed. I am not letting these two small things influence my rating, however:

"Her eyes traveled down the line of crates where dozens of puppies bounced begging for attention, love, a new home."

"Her eyes traveled down the line of crates where dozens of puppies bounced, begging for attention, love, a new home." The verbs bump up against each other and they need a comma, I think.

"'No way,' Billy cried, 'He’s the one I want.'"

"“No way,” Billy cried. “He’s the one I want.” Because what Billy is saying is two seperate sentences, there should not be double commas in the attribution.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I think this story is completely polished. There was only one reword I might suggest for you to ponder:

"Billy almost choked on his own tongue as he recognized the dark reddish-brown stains smearing the ropes as dried blood."

"Billy almost choked on his own tongue when he realized the dark reddish-brown stains on the ropes were smears of dried blood." I think the original is fine, but not totally perfect. It seems just a tad bit wordy. I offer up the second as perhaps an alternative, but only you can make that choice. There is certainly nothing wrong with the first.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

"Billy snuggled under his plaid comforter and hugged Augie’s soft warmth into the crook of his arm. The puppy rested his chin on the boy’s elbow and let out a small sigh"
--Narrative writing that does not get in the way of the story is not an easy thing to achieve. Only skilled writers can paint a scene with the right words, setting a perfect image in the reader's mind. You have done this here. I saw Augie's cute little face and sad eyes and pictured so well his frightful sigh.

"Ignoring her exhaustion, the puppy tried to wag her tail as she looked past him and recognized Augie."
--Okay ... Awwwwwwwww! What else do I need to say?

This is a wonderful story, Ali! You are a talented writer with a very bright future!

Warmest Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3533169

Review of On Giving Reviews

Review by PatrickB

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings, concrete_angel
Your item "On Giving Reviews"

has been hand-selected by me as a valuable entry in "Invalid Item"

compendium. This collection of essays and lists is the best of the best I have run across concerning our most precious activity – reviewing. I have decided to complete a review series on these works, not only to better educate myself about the art of criticism, but also to give some free press and accolades to those who take the time to share their ideas, experiences, knowledge, and styles with everyone here at WDC.

SUMMARY
The most impressive feature of this excellent essay is the three cardinal mandates that each reviewer should keep in mind at all times: "be positive," "be honest," "be critical."

TARGET AUDIENCE
Newbie Reviewer

UTILITY
This item reiterates what is most important to reviewing in broad strokes, but then goes into specifics about how each type of item should be approached. Concise and impeccably written, this effort is top-notch and chock-full of insight.

ORGANIZATION/AESTHETICS
The document it very well layed-out, with an eye to what is aesthetically pleasing. Formatting assists and does not hinder, making for an attractive article all the way around.

SAMPLE
"Remember, reviewing will not only help the person receiving the review, it will also help the reviewer, because in critically examining and reviewing the works of other authors, reviewers gain insight into their own writing and the ability to look at it distantly with a critical eye."

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3533108

Review of Spirit Dance

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
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To visit our enshrinees, please see:
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NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
A discerning reader of poetry can marvel at this excellent expression for many reasons. I would call this a painting with words, a poem that uses all its muscle to create a panoramic image for us to enjoy. I will speak specifically about the conventions in the next section, but I will say here that the senses marvel at your use of description, your flair for creating a mood and tone. This expression reveals a quality poet wielding ample skill and an original approach to the use of lesser conventions.

CONVENTIONS:
Ok, let me acknowledge the fact that this poem has no predictable rhythm and rhyme. Usually, to me, this is not ideal, for I am not a true fan of free verse. However, your use of alliteration is astounding; in fact, it is not difficult to imagine that this poem was written exclusively around that convention. Every stanza reveals sonorous trains of consonants that stand as straight and tall as "sentinels," holding up this poem like a strong skeleton of bones. I will pull out three of my favorites just for fun:

"Skinny trees stood stoic..."

"...formidable forest and its forerunners.

"Preys of the pack panicked..."

There are many more, and they all create a very pleasing pattern.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I did not find anything in these areas. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say. I might also suggest a graphic or some sort of use of color to bolster the presentation of your poem on the page. Many WDC members may claim that formatting their static items is silly, because this is a writing site. Well, I would argue that a poetry magazine is meant to be read as well, but the editors are certainly not going to put your poem with plain black letters against blank white paper. They will add color, fonts, and images to enhance the presentation of your poem. This, of course, is your choice. My feedback in this area is simply my own personal opinion and preference.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"the serene forest could be found smiling, concealing its sacred secret."
--The added personification of the forest, here, brings your image full-circle, a viewer to the word-painting you have created.

I am happy to have been introduced to your work. I have found your glorification of alliteration in this poem exemplary. Thank you for sharing!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3533097

Review of Atone

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
There is much going on with this wonderful poem, Jim. Unlike some poetry, which makes sense only to the poet, this one has a very discernible symmetry in content as well as form. The story your narrator tells is one of self-discovery, like a mind in denial that reaches an opposite conclusion by the end of the poem. There is much human truth both in the substance of the conclusion as well as the mechanisms by which it was brought about. This poem is definitely a winner in my opinion!

CONVENTIONS:
I am a very big fan of this form. It is intricate and symmetrical and plays with my favorite poetry convention, rhyme. You have done an incredible job with the form, and I particularly like your choice of the hard -o sound as your choice for rhyme. Some might have a problem with the way each word-repeat affects the flow of the poem. I do not have a problem with this at all. It creates a unique cadence, to be sure, but it is rhythm nonetheless. I love also the imagery of the poem of "stone" and "leaves" and "cold." It adds nice pictures for the mind. There is also a nice contrast between opposite seasons of spring and autumn that split the poem in half. This adds even more of a process-feel to the expression, of a journey from one state-of-mind to another. There is also a barely-audible melancholy pulse that adds a quality emotional element.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I did not see any of these aspects that needed your attention. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Have you considered a left-margin orientation for this poem? I copied and pasted it into my review tool and it left-centered. It was then that I noticed that every word down the left side rhymed and that every word that ended each line were the same. This almost-acrostic quality is impossible to achieve if the poem is centered. This is just an idea that I had. Please do with it what you will!

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Moan for her, seeds of my love were sown,
Sown on a Spring day, lying on stone."
--This is my favorite segment of the poem. The rhythm and rhyme is especially nice, here.

I have always known you to be a quality poet, Jim. With this effort, you have risen above even you own excellent standard!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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