PatrickB's (pabernardy8) Reviews

PatrickB

Review Requests: OFF

675 Public Reviews Given

703 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

A review you purchase from me will always be proofread, thorough, and carefully considered. I try to strike a balance between encouragement and honesty. What you can expect from me is a discussion of what your piece said to me as I read it and strategies for what I thought could be improved. I also point out specifically any errors that I found in the piece (although if it is a repeating problem, I will explain this deficiency generally rather than try to fix each and every one). I always keep my reviews conversational and positive. I'm generous with praise, and I try to speak with confident authority in areas where I have some knowledge. I approach each review I do with the idea that the best way to help someone become a better writer is to model that behavior to the best of my ability. Reviews that contain multiple grammatical and/or spelling errors, present incomplete thoughts, or show a lack of effort do not send a good message to those receiving the reviews concerning my advice.

I'm good at...

Grammar, spelling, sentence and paragraph structure, vocabulary (word choice), characters, dialogue

Favorite Genres

Fantasy, Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller, Drama

Least Favorite Genres

Nothing really. I'll give anything a look.

Favorite Item Types

Short Stories, Flash Fiction, Poetry, Personal Narratives and Essays

Least Favorite Item Types

Nothing really. I'll give anything a look, from contests to group pages to forums to activity rules. If you want someone to take a look at your activity and give it a review, let me know! I'll try to locate inconsistencies in rules and guidelines.

I will not review...

The only items I will not review through this system are novel chapters. I would much rather trade services and make you review mine as I review yours. If you are interested in setting this up, feel free to email me.

101

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3532603

Review of Southern Woods

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
I love poems that are inventive with form, clever with formatting, and just plain fun to read! This is one such poem that makes a reader happy with the care that is given to its presentation on the page. The use of color and shape add another essential layer to this word-play that elevates it beyond the norm. When it comes to art, there really are so many tools we can use to create. In this poem, you have used visual artistry as well as linquistic acument to accentuate what a reader experiences.

CONVENTIONS:
Although the poem is filled with wonderful imagery and carefully selected words, what makes the poem special is the tree-shape and the use of green and brown to depict the tree. I found it particuarly fascinating that you managed to place the entire theme of the poem as one complete sentence making up the trunk of the tree. Pardon the pun, but this grounds the poem and leaves the reader with your meaning clearly. Very well done!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found nothing at all in these areas that needed your attention.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
As I am sure you have heard me say a few times, I give you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

" I feel serenity in the gentle lapping of the water, as it laughs at the stones in its way."
-- I love the use of personification in this line, yet another quality convention in a great poem

I have always loved your poetry, Pat! I am particularly fond of this one because you understand that the creation of art does not have to be restricted to one medium, but can encompass many in a multi-media approach to move another human being.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

102

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3526068

Review of An End to a Means

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
A simple poem this seems to be, yet there is an underlying meaning that turns this into a quality expression. We all know the value of the journey, that it is often more important than the destination. At first, this poem seems to forget that, but a closer look reveals that to reach "the shore" is not the destination but simply a checkpoint. By showing the way in which the boat is cast aside, you reveal that we should not obsess with how we get from place to place, but remember that we must continue on the journey.

CONVENTIONS:
I love the way in which you set off your stanzas into short lines. This makes the poem easier to absorb. Also, I want to mention something here that may seem like a stretch, but I don't believe it is, for it is much more significant. First let me quote from a classic short story called "The Open Boat" by Stephen Crane, the American naturalist who was best known for The Red Badge of Courage.

"In the meantime the oiler and the correspondent rowed. And also they rowed. They sat together in the same seat, and each rowed an oar. Then the oiler took both oars; then the correspondent took both oars; then the oiler; then the correspondent. They rowed and they rowed."

It takes much skill to create an onomatopoetic paragraph! Read the lines of this aloud and feel yourself moving back and forth to the rhythm of the rowing. Your poem has the same cadence, and that advanced convention and usage is spectacular. That alone makes this a quality effort, but your exemplary rhyme also sets it apart. This is just a very nice poem all the way around.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I saw nothing at all wrong in these areas. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Listen to
the crashing tone--
Waves upon
the hardened stone"
--This is a wonderfully sonorous split couplet.

I am very happy to have been introduced to your portfolio. I can't wait to read more of your poetry.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

103

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3522125

Review of HOW MOSES GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
How funny is this! There was an ambivalence the divided my mind as I read. Two sides, one that revelled in the humor and wondrous rhyme and rhythm, and one that was aghast at your stereotypical portrayal of some of the world's cultures. The side that wanted to laugh squashed the politically correct part. I heard a distinctive voice saying: "Shut up, nimrod! This poem is funny! Stop pooping on everyone's parade!" So, there! My ambivalence crushed under the weight of humorous impropriety, I may commense with lauding this instant classic without my "better" nature getting in the way.

CONVENTIONS:
What can I say about your style that I have not already said? In this instance, your skill at dialect and rhythm are in rare form. Your use of French and Spanish are perfect additions, flowing nicely with the poem. As I read, I stopped and tried to pronounce the foreign vocabulary perfectly so that I could enjoy your rhyme. Your penchant for such clever verse never ceases to amaze and entertain. I was particularly fond of how you set off the peoples' response in couplets. It helps the flow of the poem immensely.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found only one thing that I feel should be edited. I am not sure if you are taking poetic license with it, but I believe "moseyed" is more appropriately spelled "mosied." This is no big deal at all. I just wanted to bring it to your attention.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I have only one small suggestion, and that is to italicize the foreign phrases for effect. It reads fine without it, but I believe it would be a nice touch.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

“Shalom, Bin Abdullah with thirty-ought wives,
I have here commandments to better your lives.
Your Imams of Islam would surely agree:
'thou shall not kill' can be made a decree?"
--This is my favorite part! Hilarious!

“Can’t diddle the dollies? Tsk, tsk, Sacré Bleu!
French savor such jollies, allez-vous, Mon Seigneur.”
--Ok, "diddle the dollies" had me in tears. Wow!

“Uh, free did I hear— you mean, nothing to pay?”
Moses stepped forth, “for the lot did you say?”
--I love this dialogue! It has the feel of the best work of Dr. Seuss!

Wherever in the universe is stored the great heap of humor, you have a pipeline! Write on, my friend, and indulge your fans!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

104

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3521730

Review of Honest to Goodness

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Congratulations on being a winner in "Invalid Item"

! This is the review you won as part of that drawing. It is my privilege to review your story "Honest to Goodness"

. Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE THIS ITEM
As I was browsing your port, I saw that you had this item highlighted and that you had just recently written it. I also noticed that it placed in a contest. Congratulations on that!

MY OVERALL THOUGHTS
This is a very charming moral play about the value of honesty. It is also a cautionary tale against the dangers of trying to be perfect. You have hit the nail on the proverbial head with the title! Excellent choice! Your protagonist is sympathetic for the reader; her dilemma is recognizeable to anyone who has ever gone to the store at a young age for their parents. There is a need to prove that we are mature enough to handle such an important task. Your narrator rises to the occassion; and unfortunately, keeps on floating over it. Her need to do everything perfectly leads her into telling lies to protect her reputation. This is a familiar tale of growing up to many of us. Of course, not all of us were perfect to begin with. We just told lies to avoid getting into trouble!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING
I think this piece is worthy of publication, and as such, I thought you might like a quick edit. There was nothing at all major except for a few instances of incorrect comma usage. Once you have made these simple corrections, please let me know, and I will rerate your wonderful story a 5!

"My discomfort grew, as I stood at arm's length and waited while she finished her task."

There should not be a comma after "grew."

"When she spotted me her face turned serious."

There should be a comma after "me."

"When she asked me to run an errand for her I almost skipped on the spot, but ..."

There should be a comma after "her."

"I kept my zeal in check and listened to her instructions, while my cheeks ..."

There should not be a comma after "instructions."

"... averting my eyes from the glass covered case to my left."

There should be a hyphen between "glass" and "covered."

"... various flowered prints on them, and grinned because ..."

There should not be a comma after "them."

"... nervously ventured farther out of the yard, into the pasture."

There should not be a comma after "yard."

"... conscience would no longer allow me pursue that approach ..."

There is a typo ommission of "to" between "me" and "pursue."

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT
There were but a few suggestions for improvement, and I will list them now.

In the line "When I was sure no one could see me, I threw that stinking box as far as my little arm could throw it, hoping that no one would run across it and bring the wretched box home," you describe the box twice with pretty distinctive adjectives. Again, in the next paragraph you describe it as a "stupid box." All of these adjectives are fine by themselves, but when they occur so close to one another, they seem a bit repetitive. My suggestion would be to keep the first and third instance, and lose the middle one. Whether you keep "stinking," "wretched," or "stupid" is up to you, but make sure to lose one of them. In the middle instance, I would change it to: "...would find it and bring it back home."

This is simply a suggestion, but I am wondering if your narrator ended up getting the right package after all. If she did, that would add a nice little touch of irony. As it is, we are not told if what she got ended up being right, making her lie all the more unnecessary. You may consider clearing up that little mystery with a sentence or two toward the end.

FAVORITE PARTS

"I tried to resist the urge to twist my hair around my finger, a nervous habit that irritated Mama to no end."
--This is a wonderful bit of character-building, the sign of a skilled storyteller.

"My legs dangled back and forth, and I struggled to keep my flip-flops attached to my feet."
--This is an adorable image! I can see it plainly.

"I noticed the various flowered prints on them, and grinned because I was no longer small enough for one of those sacks to become my next school dress."
--Another clever sentence that adds so much to your story. It is these types of details that makes your words in a short story economical.

"Though my flawless reputation was temporarily, and somewhat shakily, preserved, the possibility of someone or something lugging that stupid box back into my life stuck to me like a case of poison ivy I couldn't scratch."
--This is such a well crafted sentence! The best of the entire story! Excellent writing!

It has been my pleasure to read your touching story, Pat. You are one of my favorite authors here at WDC, and you never disappoint!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
group leader of Just Because I Want To,
and proud member of Simply Positive,
Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

105

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3519384

Review of NOAH'S ARC

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
As I read this poem, I felt compelled to open an umbrella, a bad-luck proposition if you subscribe to that sort of thing. Thankfully, I left it closed and instead concentrated on your descriptive poem, reveling in the scene of watery disaster you paint. There is a cyclical tinge to your poem, for it almost becomes a hymn of rebirth. Of course, I have just this Spring moved to Australia, and while it has been beautiful for many weeks now, my first three weeks were constant rain, drizzle, and mist. I can relate much better to your poem now, than I could living my entire life in Kentucky, where rain seldom stays around for more than a couple of days.

CONVENTIONS:
I have to admit that your poem has a very unique structure. I did the counts, for it did take me a bit to adjust to your rhythm. I am still learning to gauge the efficacy of certain forms of traditional poetry, and my current opinion is that a poet can have rhythm without rhyme, but not rhyme without rhythm. What I mean by this is that when you have two rhyming words, the reader's brain expects the rhymed sound to occur at a certain point in the rhythm. If it does not, it sounds off. Here is a quick example of what I mean:

Roses are red (4)(A)
Violets are blue (4)(B)
Soldiers are dead (4)(A)
And most of the cows are too! (7)(B)

While this poem has a perfect rhyme scheme, the syllable-count in the last line throws the rhythm off completely. Critiquing poetry is difficult, for it is such a subjective artform. All I can really do when bringing this to your attention is to say that your imagery is spectacular, your verbiage stellar, and your end-rhymes perfect, but the rhythm leaps out at me as over-wrought and inconsistent. It damages my reading experience, for my brain wants to squeeze the end-rhymes into patterns that are, if not perfectly iambic, at least consistently rhythmic.

All this being said, I love your story, your descriptions, and your imagery. There is nothing at all keeping this from being a wonderful poem except for its inconsistent rhythm.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I did not see any problems in these areas.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I hesitate to recommend a rewrite, for I do not think it is my place to recommend against a poet's vision. Again, all I can say is that the inconsistent rhythm made the reading of your poem a little less than ideal. If you did want a recommendation, I would set a consistent syllable-count for each stanza. For instance, the first stanza is 16-10-14-10 and the second is 15-12-14-12. If you set the pattern to maybe 15-12-15-12 for all stanzas, you may not have to omit or add much to each line. Perfect iambic rhythm is not necessary to a poem of this length, so the syllable counts should mend the rhythm issues that I found as I read.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Our wide brown land will be reborn and crops will once more flourish.
The cattle will have grass on which to graze.
We need "The Wet" each year, to grow the food to nourish
the people (and the crocs) for future days."
--This is my favorite stanza! I love the end-rhymes here especially.

Thank you for sharing your poetry with us! I hope my recommendations are taken well and in the spirit in which they were given, as one reader's opinion.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

106

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3518734

Review of Nostalgia

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Poetry, especially a short poem, is usually about a sentiment, something that gels and forms in a reader's mind after the poem is read and understood. This poem does this very well, and is helped along to that end by the inclusion of an excellent refrain that makes understanding easier. I very much like this sonnet-form. The inclusion of the refrain makes this an excellent form to express a single sentiment. Your sweet plea to look to the future and not dwell in the past is uplifting.

CONVENTIONS:
Your compliance with the mandates of the form are perfect. Because of the many instances of the -ed end-rhyme sound, you could have stumbled at your choices, but all of them work very well and do not seem forced. Your refrain is very touching by itself. A refrain that is a bit off or even unclear can become an annoyance to a reader, but yours is sonorous and well-written. It is also iambic, which helps us form a pleasing rhythm. Your other lines are fine if not perfectly iambic, and since there is no requirement of the form for them to be so, this is not an issue. As for imagery, there is just the right amount. The inclusion of the image with the photos is a nice touch, especially since the booth is mentioned in the poem.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see no issues here with your spelling or grammar.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I see nothing at all about this wonderful poem that I would suggest to improve it. I only offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Pictures of the past guard our booth,
They speak to us of age and youth.
Fear not; they praise the life we've led,
Let's cast a hopeful glance ahead."
--This is my favorite stanza! It sounds beautiful when read aloud. Your refrain works the best here as well!

You are a wonderful poet, Jace! I am so glad that we have you in the "Passionate Mindscapes" fold so I can experience more of your talent!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

107

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3517517

Review of Guidelines for Reviewing

Review by PatrickB

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Greetings, warriormom
Your item "Guidelines for Reviewing"

has been hand-selected by me as a valuable entry in "Invalid Item"

compendium. This collection of essays and lists is the best of the best I have run across concerning our most precious activity – reviewing. I have decided to complete a review series on these works, not only to better educate myself about the art of criticism, but also to give some free press and accolades to those who take the time to share their ideas, experiences, knowledge, and styles with everyone here at WDC.

SUMMARY
Another valued member shares her own personal journey on developing a philosophy of reviewing, with specialized advice on why and how one should develop a review template.

TARGET AUDIENCE
Newbie Reviewer

UTILITY
Many newbies take a while to attempt let alone understand WritingML. Most also move slowly into the world of signatures, affiliations, and templates. This work sets out in easy-to-understand instructions how to create a review template, demystifying all those messy brackets for those outside the loop of understanding. While getting newbies to this information is still the difficulty we all face, if they are able to luck upon this author's explanation, they will find the proverbial Keys to the Bracket Kingdom available to them.

ORGANIZATION/AESTHETICS
The work flows nicely and is visually appealing. The judicious use of the "key" emoticon makes a nice symbolic statement, as understanding the basic properties of reviewing contained herein do open many doors in our community.

SAMPLE
"Always be respectful. Though truthful reviews are the most helpful, your suggestions for improvement should always be tactfully stated. A good reviewer is an humble reviewer. You set the tone by the words you choose. "In my opinion", "Perhaps this would be clearer if..." "I would love to know more about [a character's name]", "How does [the character's name] show that emotion?" There are countless ways to phrase your comments so that you are not condescending, presenting yourself as having all the answers, and implying that the author should follow all your suggestions."

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

108

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3517487

Review of Are you giving quality reviews?

Review by PatrickB

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings, Brooklyn
Your item "Are you giving quality reviews?"

has been hand-selected by me as a valuable entry in "Invalid Item"

compendium. This collection of essays and lists is the best of the best I have run across concerning our most precious activity – reviewing. I have decided to complete a review series on these works, not only to better educate myself about the art of criticism, but also to give some free press and accolades to those who take the time to share their ideas, experiences, knowledge, and styles with everyone here at WDC.

SUMMARY
The author gives a valuable assessment of her own review philosophy and at the same time points readers to other items which may be helpful in developing their own.

TARGET AUDIENCE
Newbie Reviewer

UTILITY
What is most striking about this work is the fact that it acts as a hub for specialized approaches to reviewing. Here one can find useful links to information on poetry, fiction elements, and grammar as well as the tried-and-true body of knowledge that can be gleaned from the veterans of this wonderful community.

ORGANIZATION/AESTHETICS
The document is broad and layed-out clearly. The only advice I would give is for the author to check the document periodically for items that have become invalid. This adds to the longevity of the piece and doesn't leave the reader feeling as if the work is outdated.

SAMPLE
"Reviewing is personal, let's face it. When we (as authors ourselves) create something, it becomes a part of us. When we write someone we've never met and give advice, that should be kept in mind. Putting yourself out there for the world to critique is an act of bravery. We want to be honest, but we also want to be respectful too."

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

109

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3516915

Review of OMG, I CAN'T REVIEW!

Review by PatrickB

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Greetings, Sticktalker
Your item "OMG, I CAN'T REVIEW!"

has been hand-selected by me as a valuable entry in "Invalid Item"

compendium. This collection of essays and lists is the best of the best I have run across concerning our most precious activity – reviewing. I have decided to complete a review series on these works, not only to better educate myself about the art of criticism, but also to give some free press and accolades to those who take the time to share their ideas, experiences, knowledge, and styles with everyone here at WDC.

I will not be using the rating system for these reviews. All items will receive a 5-star rating.

SUMMARY
This is an essay that instructs those who feel as if they are not worthy of reviewing others. Conversational and autobiographical, this piece is chock-full of interesting points about reviewing.

TARGET AUDIENCE
Newbie Reviewer

UTILITY
Along with this author's anedotal testimony of what it was like for him when he gave his first review, he also gives excellent advice on not only how to review, but criteria for choosing what to review. This is a valuable story of one reviewer's journey from newbie to veteran.

ORGANIZATION/AESTHETICS
This piece is graphically pleasing and organized well. The author uses a familiar style one will easily recognize as informal, i.e. text abbreviations and all capitals for emphasis. The title itself clues a reader in on the tone and style of the work.

SAMPLE
" 1. I assume the writer is a serious writer or I ignore the piece and move on to someone worthy of a serious review. By serious, I mean the author has passed two litmus tests: Test 1. He seriously wants to be published. Test 2, He makes it clear that what he has posted is nothing less than what he thinks is the "best" he can do."

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

110

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3516872

Review of How To Write an Encouraging Review

Review by PatrickB

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings, NickiD89
Your item "How To Write an Encouraging Review"

has been hand-selected by me as a valuable entry in "Invalid Item"

compendium. This collection of essays and lists is the best of the best I have run across concerning our most precious activity – reviewing. I have decided to complete a review series on these works, not only to better educate myself about the art of criticism, but also to give some free press and accolades to those who take the time to share their ideas, experiences, knowledge, and styles with everyone here at WDC.

I will not be using the rating system for these reviews. All items will receive a 5-star rating.

SUMMARY
Whether you are a new writer or new reviewer, this is a thorough and comprehensive guide to some very important aspects of reviewing.

TARGET AUDIENCE
Newbie Reviewer
Newbie Author

UTILITY
This item contains not only excellent general advice for reviewing, but also tips on reviewing poetry, evaluating the elements of a short story, a concise guide to rhyme and meter, as well as how to use the review tool to make your reviews as visually appealing as possible. This is an item that should be favorited by all newbies and referred to often. Even though this is geared more toward newer writers/reviewers, veteran reviewers would benefit as well from a read-through. Of special note is the concise guide to iambic pentameter and poetic meter; understanding of these aspects is a must to give quality feedback to those who create traditional poetry.

ORGANIZATION/AESTHETICS
This item is immaculately layed-out, with a very fresh and crisp appearance. Color and careful formatting make the item easy to understand and gives it a professional look.

SAMPLE
"It is vital to deliver negative comments in a way that is honest, and that the author receiving the review will find insightful and encouraging instead of insulting and disrespectful. Remember that the writer feels a sense of pride in his/her work, and that it is often difficult to recognize the faults in one’s own writing."

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

111

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3515727

Review of The Dark Dance

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a perfect example of how a prompt can massage a poet's mind into visual artistry. This simple yet lovely piece reveals a skilled, quality poet at the top of his game. You use all the skills at your disposal to create a dynamic word-painting.

CONVENTIONS:
I am particularly enamored with your rhyme scheme, the difficult XYXY quatrain. It is not necessarily difficult to rhyme in this scheme, but it is a monumental task to have the end rhymes not seem forced. All of your rhymes flow nicely, not one instance where I felt as if you had missed the mark with your word choice. The rhythm is very nice as well, bouyed by your dynamic scheme. The imagery of the coming night on the coast blends nicely with the narrator's thoughts. It is as if you, as a poet, are truly sitting some distance back, "painting" the scene with words. I normally do not compliment a poet on his or her vocabulary, but I have to comment that words like "incandesce," "luminescent," and "nacreous" do so much for your rhythm. They are all very sonorous, as is revealed in this exquisite stanza:

"With patience I await the sparks
that coldly incandesce
the sky with luminescent marks;
a nacreous caress."

Now, read that aloud and take a bow. Perfect poetry! I would normally feature this in the last section, but I could not resist. This may very well be the best XYXY quatrain I have ever read in my life! And, alas! The subject? Nothing less than the stars, appearing as the sun sets. I am truly humbled, Ken!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing at all in this area that needs attention. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I take suggesting rewords very seriously. I never wish to step on a poet's unique ideas for a poem. This being said, sometimes I do have a suggestion that I believe will work as an improvement. Please never be shy in discarding these suggestions if they do not apply to your vision of the work.

Suggested reword: "leaving a darkened husk."

"and leave a darkened husk." This seems more sonorous to me when I read it aloud. The comma-pause that is implied by the imperfect subjunctive verb phrase that begins with "leaving..." upsets the delicate iambic meter you have created.

Suggested reword: "celebrate all that they share"

"who celebrate all they share". Like above, this seems more sonorous to me when I read it aloud, for "...celebrate all..." also upsets the delicate iambic meter you have created.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"The yawning chasm of the night
inhales the ebon sea."
--This is a wonderful image, showing brilliantly the growing darkness and its effect on the water. It is also iambic perfection.

You are a brilliant poet, Ken. I knew this before, and this only reinforces that opinion. Thank you for sharing your wonderful ability with us all!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

112

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3510882

Review of Dark Spaces

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
I tried to read this poem as if I could not guess its inspiration. Knowing that its poet is sometimes pummeled by emotional outbursts from blameless yet volatile children makes it very difficult. As I read, I felt as if I was being taken through a narrative of emotions of a "warriormom" during one of her many, heart-wrenching battles. Forgive me if the location from which I was reading this poem is incorrect, but this is one of those instances where knowing the background and life of a poet enhances understanding of the poem itself. This assumption adds a weight to your words that might otherwise be absent.

CONVENTIONS:
Your simple structure is stark, allowing a reader to focus on your words. There is no rhyme, and the rhythm is asymmetrical. This is free verse disguised as unrhyming couplets. In my humble opinion, I am not sure if this is the correct format for the poem. What I envision is a centered cascade with no spaces, unifying the expression into true free verse. The couplet format begs for rhyme, and when we do not get it, the poem seems off. Again, this is but the opinion of one person, so only use it if you agree. I like how you begin your statements with the direct objects. This almost personifies them, makes them willful. I also like how the poem begins and ends revealing a cycle. By using the words "re-opened" in the first couplet and "re-surface" in the last, you create a cyclical effect that lends a deeper meaning to the poem.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing wrong in these areas. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would only suggest dropping the couplet format for the sake of the free verse. Other than that, I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Secret vows to make amends
for words that slash and leave their scars."
--This couplet to me is the theme of your work, and it is very well-stated.

Thank you so much for continuing to share your work with all of us, Pat! As always, I enjoy your poetry very much, and I am very glad to call you a friend.

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

113

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3509551

Review of Controlling Nature

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

A PatrickB

“FAVORITE AUTHOR” Review:
This review is of an author’s work I find particularly fascinating and worthwhile.
A PatrickB

“PATRICK'S FAVORITES” Review:
This review is of a work I am honored to include in "Invalid Item"

under the description "Rod Serling -esque"

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS:
I was browsing through your portfolio for something to review, and I opened this story and just couldn't stop reading it.

INITIAL THOUGHTS:
Wow, what can I say? I'm sure Rod Serling (wherever he is) smiled in approval at you when you finished this story. If you had written this in 1961 and submitted it to Serling, I guarantee he would have had you convert this to a teleplay, and you would have been included in the wonderful writers of the original Twilight Zone. How do I know for sure? I have read over a dozen of the episodes converted to short story format, and this story is better than most of them. All suggestions that follow are what I would call "tweaks" to a nearly perfect and wonderful story.

OPENING PARAGRAPH/SEQUENCE:
Your opening is excellent, quickly building setting, character, and plot.

SETTING:
Jacob's house and property are perfectly described, and I saw the story play out within that very well.

POINT OF VIEW:
Your third person works very well, here. In fact, I think it is the best choice.

PACING:
Here is where the story shines. Pacing and description play a zero-sum game in our stories; what you give to one, you lose for the other. Finding the balance-point between these two elements is a must for a quality short story. You hit that balance perfectly. I moved along the story very quickly, led by your tightly woven plot.

DESCRIPTION:
Here again, your amount of description was just enough. You gave us exactly as much as we needed to visualize the scene but did not bog us down with long exposition. Your advanced writing skill helps in this, as you use dialogue, dense adjectives, and action to build character and setting. All of these keep the reader moving quickly and doesn't glaze the eyes.

CHARACTERIZATION:
You are careful not to stereotype Harley and Nolan. You could have, if they played a bigger part. I might only suggest a quirk for Harley that does not reek of southern hickness, something that the reader will not expect. For instance, I was born and raised in Kentucky (and until now, had never left it) and I hate NASCAR with a passion that borders on obsession. I also hate country music, line dancing, and just about anything "kuntry." What I am driving at, here, is that Harley does not have to be a 100% redneck. But again, this is a very minor part of your story, and this is only a suggestion. Jacob is drawn very well, from his obsessive behavior over his bonzai trees to his condescending manner of anything "hick." I would also pay a nod of appreciation to the kudzu as a character.

CLIMAX
Your climax is the perfect mixture of predictable and shocking, although those two things seem like a contradiction. I had a feeling as I read that the kudzu would have the final say, but up until the end, I didn't know it would be as drastic as it was!

DENOUEMENT
There is no denoument to speak of, and in this story that is okay. As I picture this as a teleplay, I would imagine that the camera would zoom in on a heart-shaped leaf, vibrating playfully, happy in the victory and the justice paid to humans who think they can control nature.

OTHER THINGS I LIKE:

I love the title! It is perfect!

The symbolism of this story runs deep on many levels. The contrast between Yankee and Southern ideals and particularly the feeling I got about the kudzu "rescuing" the tamed and controlled bonzai at the end is masterful!

I love the way you build Jacob's character through his half-finished decor of area rugs and art.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/PUNCTUATION/SYNTAX:
There wasn't much here to speak of, as this has been very well edited already. I found only one instance of a typo:

"Creaks and groans filled the house as the vine lengthening and grew." I think you meant "lengthened."

SUGGESTIONS:
These next things are simple suggestions, or tweaks, as it were. Please remember that they are only my opinion, and you can keep or discard them according to your own vision of the story.

Reword suggestion: "The southern sun was already hot, drawing dew up into Georgia’s dense, summer air." to "The southern sun was already hot, drawing the morning dew up into Georgia’s dense, summer air." More specific.

Reword suggestion: "The sun shone bright out of a hazy, near-white sky." to "The sun shone bright within a hazy, near-white sky." The line preceding this one also has an instance of the prepositional phrase "out of." I think "within" is more precise anyway.

Reword suggestion: "...remained was a pile of leafy rubble on the ground." to "...remained was a pile of leafy shreds on the ground." I like the imagery of the battlefield in this sequence, but "rubble" implies to me something much more bulky and solid than leaves.

Reword suggestion: "Jacob stood rooted to the spot; his head dropped back and eyes agape." to "Jacob could not move; his head dropped back and eyes agape." The rationale for this suggestion is because of the nature of what is happening to Jacob. You use "rooted to" figuratively at this point, but because of what is happening, we as readers will read that literally. This adds a bit of confusion as the leaves of kudzu had not quite reached him yet at this point.

EXCELLENT WRITING EXAMPLES:

" Enough light spilled into the hall for him to avoid catching his toe on the framed artwork propped against the wall."
--This sentence does so much and proves your skill at storytelling. It conveys movement and action, provides setting, and reveals a bit of characterization as well.

"Jacob’s New York accent bounced in the air between them like an echo."
--Just wonderful writing! Bravo!

"He swung a leg over the mower’s seat like a cowboy mounting a mustang."
--I love the juxtapostion of Jacob's hatred of all things "country" and Southern and his actions described here. Excellent!

"Nolan raised his eyebrows and rocked back on his heels. 'I’d watch what I say, boy. They say kudzu done got ears.'"
--Here is the moment where your story blossoms, informing the reader (oh so subtly!) what is going to happen. This necessary element of foreshadowing is impeccable -- subtle enough and perfectly placed!

"He imagined he could hear the kudzu’s tortured screams as he dismembered the beast."
--This sentence is superb, adding to the growing personifcation of the kudzu. It also adds to Jacob's personality a sadistic streak that contradicts his love of the bonzai It shades his character just a bit and reveals that it is not the beauty of the bonzai that he loves the most, but the fact that he can control them. This is so important to the story, as it lends more creedence that he is getting his justice in the end.

Nicki, it is not often that I open up a port where I feel genuinely entertained as I would buying a book off of a shelf. Most of that quality is hidden from my eyes in hopes of being published, not because the talent of storytelling here is not that good. I have to say that you gave me a "free read" that I would have been happy to pay for. Because of this and because I just love this story, I am happily including this in my document "Invalid Item"

. My respect for you as a writer and artist is assured, and I can't wait to read more of your stories.

Warmest Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#1735780 by Not Available.

114

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3507450

Review of From the ashes

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
This has the feel of a lament, maybe even qualifying as a dirge. I get the impression of aging and reflection over a long life. There is a sad quality to the poem, with the light of redemption and continuance at the end. While mournful, there is an element of acceptance in the tone, a subtle hint of transcendance beyond what may have once been valuable in life. I am mindful of a child who covets something but as she grows realizes that the item has no value to her any longer. The imagery of learning lessons is apt.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhythm and rhyme are perfect and create a nice effect. I enjoy poems that end with a coda (as mine often do). This one rearranges the imagery to reflect the growth within the poem itself. We still have the fire, but this time the connotation is much more hopeful, creating the metamorphosis from despair to hope that marks the poem as quality. Although left unsaid, I get in mind the image of a phoenix, which, of course, is also made of redemptive flames. There is a dichotomy between what the narrator has learned and what he or she has not. What we get at the end, then, is a change of focus, from negative to positive, from pessimism to optimism. This is precisely where the expression finds its value. Also, I love the use of the word "forsaken" as opposed to "abandoned" or something less jagged. There is obvious blame being flung from the narrator at these people who have left him or her, and that makes a difference, proving how one word-choice can have such a immense bearing on meaning.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing amiss in this department. Well done!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Within the dying embers
of where a fire had burned
are all the sad reminders
of what I should have learned."
--This is my favorite stanza for rhythm and rhyme. It is an excellent way to begin an excellent poem!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Up until now, I have not read any of your poems, but I look forward to reading more soon!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

115

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3507349

Review of Wondering Why

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
I get a sense of a narrator who is fighting with his- or herself to deny urges for a love that is probably not a good thing. We often are attracted to those things that are not good for us. I am not sure exactly why that is, but it surely does damage a lot of lives in a myriad of ways. In the beginning of the poem, the narrator describes how "lost" he or she is, but by the end of the poem, the tune has changed with the statement "Don't tempt me with your traitorous song!" My interpretation may be a bit off (since I have not read about the character this poem was written for), but this is my impression of the meaning.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhythm and rhyme are good, although sometimes they feel a bit forced, as if you are balancing between free verse and rhyming couplets. Irregular end rhyme occurs with "more/adored" and "anon/song." I think this weakens the poem a bit, but this is just my opinion, of course. I also am not clear why you bolded "soul." I don't normally have any problem with this type of graphical convention, unless I can't figure out why. There may be a reason I am just not seeing. I like the symbolism of the lighthouse beckoning.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I see nothing at all wrong with your grammar. You do eschew end punctuation other than question marks, which you might consider in revision.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Believe it or not, I do really like this poem. I seem to be harping on some corrections, but only because I believe that this poem needs a little work to be quality. First, I am having a little difficulty with the title. I am not sure how it links with the message in the poem that I interpreted above. Of course, my interpretation may be off. You might also consider end punctuation to match your question marks, but this is just my opinion.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Ocean scenery, change of plan
Stubborn anger, hurried command"
--I love the cadence of this couplet. It almost becomes a quatrain with an ABCB rhyme scheme. Very nice!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! In the spirit of constructive criticism do I offer these opinions, dear friend, and I know you will take them as such. Until next time!

Regards,
PatrickB

Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

116

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3503120

Review of Leaving Love Behind

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
Those of us who have had our hearts filled with love and then had it voided can relate to this tragic poem. There is a period of healing that needs to be lived, and that period is merciless and painful. It is about this period of healing that you write so eloquently about. Surely a blue million stanzas have been constructed to the state of a broken heart, and yours can be added as a quality take on it.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhythm and rhyme for the most part are excellent. There were a couple instances where I think your rhythm could be tightened up. There could be a few instances of some metaphors or similes, but they are not necessary. This poem works fine as it is. Your personification of "Misery" as your new friend is the type of figurative language that you could use to spruce this up if you so chose.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee noticed just a couple small instances where you might want to edit:

At the end of the fifth stanza, you may remove the question mark as the sentence is not actually an interrogative.

In the seventh stanza, there should be a comma at the end of the third line as it separates two conjunctive, independent clauses. I only mention this because you have followed normal punctuation rules throughout except for here.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Misery, my new best friend.
I've lost the will to fight.
I can't go on, my mind is numb.
My chest is feeling tight."
--This is an excellent stanza for rhythm, rhyme, and figurative language -- one of the poem's best!

"My heart now hides behind a wall
to ache and beat alone."
--This sentiment is so true! How alone we feel as we construct a wall to protect ourselves after our heart is broken. Very apt!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I believe truly that you have captured well a moment that most of us have faced or will face. Your take on it reveals a quality poet! I look forward to reading more of your work.

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

117

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3498250

Review of In Seclusion: (Hanging by a Thread)

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
There is never a more profound string of moments in life than those that are spent in solitary contemplation when being alone is the last thing we want. There exists a melancholy aura around us as we defend our mistakes, process our stresses, and scream silently our worth to a world that seems not to care. Your expression captures those moments eloquently and poetically, attempting to explain the unversal disconnect that has always made life just a little more difficult to live. You aptly describe these moments -- these bridges of consciousness that won't relent -- as "a lonely interlude," a phrase by itself that marks this poem as superior.

CONVENTIONS:
Your poetry is characterized by a careful attention to rhythm, and this one is no exception. I believe that the rhythm in this poem is the one convention that stands out the most. Clauses and phrases construct your stanzas, and you use commas to great effect to form cadence. I also think that the times when you use items in a series within one line, that the commas contained give your cadence a faster tempo, as in: "Thinking, waiting, cursing, hating ..." Caesura pauses are also used to build this excellent rhythmic feel. The rhyme is fluid if not quite rigid perfection, and that is okay. Use of assonance and personification round out your ample use of figurative conventions.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee can find no issues with your grammar, punctuation, or spelling. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I have one tiny suggestion, but not of something that is wrong. In the first stanza, you are speaking of "loneliness" as the component of a metaphor, and then in the fifth stanza you personify "lonesomeness." I looked up the usage of these two words, and there doesn't seem to be any clear consensus to deviate their usage. What that means is that there is no grammatical reason why the two cannot be interchangeable. So, my reason for bringing this up is about preference. I would rather read "loneliness," because I stumble over "lonesomeness," wondering if it is even a correct noun-form of "lonesome." (It is, by the way.) My humble suggestion would be to change all instances to "loneliness." I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Loneliness – a shroud,
It calls to me aloud,"
--This metaphor, comparing loneliness to a shroud, is an excellent way to begin your poem.

"A lonely interlude."
--As mentioned above, this could be the concise theme of your expression. In fact, it would not go amiss if this became the poem's title or subtitle.

"Lonesomeness devours,
Eating at my heart,
Tearing me apart,
Constant stabbing, always grabbing,
No place to depart."
--This stanza is masterful personification of the antagonist of the poem, the disconnect you call "lonesomeness."

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I believe you are a very advanced, skilled poet, particularly with abstract imagery and your use of candenced rhythm. It is my pleasure to read and review you work, and I look forward to next time!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

118

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3493822

Review of Orion's Keep

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
The irony of your narrative poem is tragic, moralistic, and educational all at once. There is much symbolism in the poem itself, but its best quality is as a story of greed, pride, resolve, catastrophe, and resolution. In fact, the story is so good, I think it would make an incredible short story, novella, or even a novel. Obsession has been convered well by Melville (Ahab) and Hemingway (Santiago), but it is such a wonderful aspect of human psychology that it could stand a few hundred more treatments in literature. Add your prospector to the mix, Ken!

CONVENTIONS:
Your quatrains are very well done. The only complaint I would have is that some of your lines are more or less than ten syllables, which breaks your rhythm just a bit. Of course, that all depends on how dependent you are on your rhythm and how precise you would like it to be. I will not lower your rating because of it, however. My favorite convention in your poem is your use of Orion as the driving force behind your prospector's obsession over his find. I am not sure if you realized some of the symbolic and historical pecularities of Orion that fit well with your poem. First, Orion was the son of King Minos, which was one of the richest of the mythological Greek kings. Orion is also by far the most recognizeable constellation in either the northern or southern sky, making your choice as the the guide for your prospector's find even more appropriate. Orion's role as the hunter is also well suited. He really adds a touch of mystical mythology to what could otherwise be a run-of-the-mill gold-digger story. I also like the coda of the first stanza as the last and the slight change that you use to show that his death has arrived.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee saw nothing about your poem that needed work. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would suggest only a slight tweaking of your syllables-per-line and a playing up of the mythology in the form of metaphors/similies, i.e. "My tunnel was dug as straight as the hunter's belt" or "Each animal sound I heard in the night was Orion making a kill for our feast." These are just rough examples off the top of my head. Lastly, I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"In spite of disappointment, the hunger grew
as day after day my search would ensue
until, late one night, as I stared at the skies,
Orion's brave figure captured my eyes."
--I think this is your strongest stanza for conventions. Rhythm, rhyme, and imagery are all excellent! It is also the moment when your story's conflict enters.

"Fate was the hunter and gold was its bait."
--This is a very poetic line and one of my favorites.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me, Ken! You are an excellent poet and I am a huge fan! I will be seeing you again soon!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

119

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3492769

Review of A MANLY THING?

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
It is quite a trademark you boast with your poetry, to beat a drum and keep a pace and at the same time, tell a joke. This is a clever skill, and I daresay a rare one. This particular off-color beauty is entertaining in the extreme, with an ending (punchline?) that satisfies. Your skill at poetry is only matched by your sense of humor, your wit a convention all its own. This is no longer a review, but a tribute to your skill.

CONVENTIONS:
As with your other poems, your greatest skill is your ability to rhyme a whimsical language that is all your own; it is a wonder the narrator can even "speak" with a tongue pressed so firmly in the cheek. You use irony to great effect to build up your joke and deliver the punchline with pinpoint accuracy. Among your more effective ways of keeping your rhythm natural and precise is your skill at creating dialects, using elision, and syntax inversion. These three in particular give your poem its whimsical and clever sound. Your poetry proceeds from its strong foundation in rhythm and rhyme and then uses the lesser conventions as needed.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee found nothing at all wrong with your grammar or spelling.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer no suggestions on how to improve this poem. I think it is complete as it stands. I will, however, offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Hell bent to end their sexist wars,
She lifted skirt and dropped her drawers.
Then arching back she wet the wall;
Whizzed half as high as he was tall."
--This is my favorite stanza by far. It literally sings its chuckle-worthiness!

"Now comes the champ with wicked wand.”
--Great use of clever imagery and alliteration!

"His manly pride just hung exposed.
Nary an inch his pistol hosed."
--I love the pun here about his pride "hung" and "exposed." This is a wonderful use of language!

Thank you so much for sharing your poem with me! Your work always either makes me think deeply about an issue or brings a smile to my face, and what more can we ask of our poets?

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

120

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3474712

Review of Beginning of the End

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Greetings, Alexandra Jones

This review is part of your shower from
"Showering Acts of Joy Group"

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL

There are many uses for the in-and-out item, not the least of which is its capacity to create community endeavors like this one that are just fun! The campfire creative does this same thing, but it is a bit limiting because of how one person can paralyze the project by not adding an entry or passing his or her turn. This format, however, allows us to add when we want, with the only restriction being that we have to wait until at least one other person posts. This allows us to come and go at our own pace if things come up. I love your topic of the end of the earth; it is exciting and has much potential for some fun and interesting writing. I also like your requirement that every post include the first word of the last post. This gives each post a little unity and centers our ideas. In the next section, I will recommend a couple other ideas that may help us find a plot.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT

Here are a couple suggestions just off the top of my head to help bring it all together into more of a story-arc:

Introduce a cast of characters in the item that we must use.

Give a basic overview of the specific setting, i.e. urban, rural.

I think using this item is a learning experience for all of us, so here is how I suggest implimenting these suggestions if you choose to: don't alter or change anything that came before. Simply create the new rules and go from there. With your next post, use some of your new characters and allow the next posters to incorporate the setting. Once we are all grounded with the cast and setting, we can really begin to collaborate on the story. Again, don't discard everything that came before. The nature of this type of item is that it is adaptable and fun! I have favorited this item and will continue to participate!

Time is against me, so I must leave you for now! Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Ali, your talent and creativity are matched only by your growing sense of community, and we are privileged to know you and have you with us here at WDC!

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

121

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3474487

Review of Heartbeat

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
Your ode to your love is a heart-felt piece with stunning language and poetic rhythm. Whatever is inside us that makes us want to construct poetry to the one we love is potent and strong, and your expression takes heavily from this resevoir of passion. In my opinion, however, your formatting is a bit flawed, and I will expound on why and what can be done about it below.

CONVENTIONS:
Your rhyme scheme appears on the surface to be quite audacious and original, but when one looks closer it is revealed that you have simply created couplets from a typical ABAB rhyme scheme. There is nothing wrong with this at all, and on the whole, the scheme is very well done. I have a suggestion that will follow in the next sections. Your imagery of cities, frontiers, springs, fields, and mountains gives the poem quite a grand vista, like a montage of locality to describe your feelings.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee did not see anything wrong with your grammar or spelling. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Please take the following advice as only my opinion, for that is truly all I can ever offer you about your poetry. As a reader, I would rather see your poem written in traditional quatrains instead of the couplets. Let me show you what I mean:

"All within a single heartbeat I fell in love,
A split second in time to last an eternity.
It descended from the heavens like a saving dove,
The golden spires of your warm city."

I find that the longer the lines in poetry, the harder it is to read. By using these quatrains, it becomes easier to absorb, and I think is more visually appealing as well.

I also offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"We make love lying on the grassy sheets, held together with euphoric glue."
--I love this line, for I have never heard the expression "euphoric glue" before. I think it creates quite an image!

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I hope my suggestions were helpful, but remember to feel free to discard them as they are only my opinion. Keep sharing your poetry!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

122

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3474354

Review of Room at the End

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
When I was new to WDC, I reviewed this poem. My review was skeletal and my rating was entirely too low. I have come a long way since then in my interpretation and appreciation for poetry. When Mandy

found out I had already reviewed this, she asked if I wanted her to find me another of your poems, but I told her no, that this poem deserved a much better effort than I gave it before.

I feel the longing of the narrator for times gone by, at first a sadness that so much of her life has passed. She is uplifted at the end by the fact that her warmest memory, her husband, is still with her and that they feel young again when together. The tone, at first sad, becomes uplifting. Your poem speaks well to your prompted quotation, and your use of subtle conventions (assonance, alliteration) whisper to a reader with the beauty of falling snowflakes.

CONVENTIONS:
You follow the format for your poem-type flawlessly. Your rhythm is so good that is becomes lyrical. I love your frequent use of assonance, as in: "Write it down, keep track of it now." and "Shake me, wake me up to that now." You also use alliteration to great effect: "Snowing still..." "Lingering life..." and "Ticking clock closes..." It's these conventions more than any other, in my opinion, that makes poetry sound like poetry, and you are a master at it. Another excellent quality of this poem is its imagery for age and time: "Rocking chair...","Ticking clock...","Medicine in a drawer next to the bed", and "...silver hair..."

And lastly, is your prompted use of cold imagery, which gives your poem its poignancy. I think you do justice to the Goldworthy quote you use, proving the sentiment as well as it could possibly be proven. Very well done.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee has no suggestions for you. She trusts your skill implicitly.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Icicle tears in a night full of stars,"
--This is such a beautiful phrase to begin your poem. It sets a lyrical, pensive tone, creates your "cold" imagery, and gives the setting. Bravo!

"Passion and laughter, we tumbled to bed.
Magic and music, rocketing stars.
Warmth surrounds me even now."
--A sensual recollection of the first time they made love. With your use of language, here, you show how unforgettable a moment it was for her. I particularly like the imagery of fireworks and blaring music.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I continue to marvel at your skill as a poet and feel privileged to read your work. I look forward to visiting you again, my friend!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

123

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3473683

Review of The Wisdom of Years

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings, 🌕 HuntersMoon

This review is part of your shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Group"

.

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person’s opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE

The question come to us from on high, an age-old inquiry as to the nature of wisdom. Does it, perhaps, come with age? More likely it comes from experience, but aren't they the same thing? Your humorous (and only slightly cantankerous) poem makes one laugh while pondering the serious question above. Although no obvious answer is given to the question that begins it, the poem leaves one with the impression that the prize of wisdom, in the final analysis, is too cluttered with the failing capacity of the body to be much of a trophy.

READABILITY

This poem is delightfully funny, easy-to-absorb and read, and the inclusion of the definition for "canard" at the bottom was well placed. Although I consider myself to have a decent vocabulary, I would have had to look that one up!

CONVENTIONS

Your rhythm and rhyme are the jewels in the crown, here. Both are stellar and do not distract, even adding a layer of humor all their own. The use of irony is the most celebrated convention, and the one that lifts the work up to its stellar height.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING

The Grammar Bee has no complaints with these things. Bravo!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT

I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S)

"It turns out that I'm quite a sleuth
predicting weather with my knees."
--Here is the first truly biting use of wit. Hilarious!

"It seems my arms are shorter now
though my eyes still have a glint.
Everything thing I read, somehow,
has become 'fine print.'"
--This is my favorite stanza for rhythm and rhyme. Your rhyme is never forced, and that is always hard to do.

Time is against me, so I must leave you for now! Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! Your clever expression is one I will long remember ... especially after I can no longer see it on my computer screen without changing the font-size to 5!

Regards,
PatrickB
Creator of The Art of Criticism, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Just Because I Want To, and proud member of Simply Positive, Novel Review Group, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

124

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3470814

Review of Symphony of Love

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
A passion-filled ode to a lover, this poem revels in its subject matter, wallowing in desire. For those of us lucky enough to have felt this deep need for another, your poem speaks to us in easy language, absorbed into our soul. We think: "Yes! Exactly! That's exactly how I feel!" Such universal appeal is precisely what poetry should be about. You have touched upon something many of us can relate to, and with that, I was especially moved by it.

CONVENTIONS:
The free verse works well, here. I love the music imagery. You keep to it throughout, adding layer after layer of density. Music, symbolically, suggests being "in tune," and this shades your sentiment with a coloring of extra meaning.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee found your grammar and spelling to be fine. She has one suggestion, however, and that is with your use of ellipses. In literary circles, ellipses contain only three periods and never more than that. Consider elimating all but the three periods in each ellipse. Also, there should not be a comma at the end of the next-to-last line.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I borrow something I learned from another member, here, concerning where on the page we place a poem. It struck me as making a lot of sense, and it can help certain expressions. To indent your poem on the left side suggests rigidity, pattern, and stability. Sure, it is a subtle suggestion, but imagine your poem centered. A centered poem "floats" visually, suggesting something altogether different. Emotional odes -- especially to love and desire -- benefit the most from being centered, as there is a slightly different pulse to the rhythm as we read, something less static and more dynamic. This is only a suggestion.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"Your words are smooth,
the frequency is clear."
--This is my favorite reference to music, maybe because it is unexpected. It adds a technological spin to it. Instead of drums, strings, and trumpets, we have the radio.
"you have my heart, my love, my fire!"
--This line screams the theme of your work. Those of us who have been lucky enough to feel this for someone else know exactly what you mean, and especially why you put an exclamation point on the end. It also benefits from having alliteration and assonance built it. It literally rolls off the tongue.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I thoroughly enjoyed your poem and look forward to reading more of your poetry.

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

125

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3469461

Review of Release

Review by PatrickB

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"

"Weekly" Review
by PatrickB

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of poetry

OVERALL SENSE:
A moment in time, captured artfully with words that pulse with their own energy, is the essence of quality poetry. With this short, passionate expression you have captured a moment and rendered it beautifully. I have to mention that there is a subtle eroticism to this poem, an underlying connotation of sexual bliss at the end. As I write this, I look at the rating for a clue as to your intentions with this and notice that, yes, the eroticism was no accident. This is truly a passionate word-play of the highest order. Well done!

CONVENTIONS:
The pulse of this poem is the wind; the entire structure sways under its power. I imagine that she walks in the field minutes before a thunderstorm. The electricity in the air is palpable. Rhythm and rhyme are absent, for this is prose-in-poetry, and it is done well. Personification of the grass gives motion at the very beginning, and the motion is soon transferred to the subject as she enjoins the physical with the emotional. The final stanza has a masturbatory quality that shades the entire expression into the imagery of orgasm. I believe that this poem is stronger for the inclusion of the physical, for it marries well with the emotional catharsis. Your verbs also lend an erotic feel: "dance," "taunting," "tremble," "teasing," and "kissing" are especially effective. This is a perfect marriage of sensory description and sexuality.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
The Grammar Bee, while fanning herself, shakes her head, offering no suggestions. She buzzes into the kitchen for a cool drink.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would suggest nothing to improve this poem. It seems complete as it is. Too much more added would corrupt its beautiful simplicity. I offer you the advice that I give to all quality poets concerning their work: revisit your poem often and tweak a word or phrase here and there. Good poems become great with this frequent attention to detail, as you can eventually arrive at exactly what it is you want to say.

FAVORITE LINE(S):
"She dances in perfect rhythm with the grass,
the sun kissing her ivory skin."
--This is a perfect sentence with so much imagery. My favorite line.
"Closing her eyes she opens herself to the waves
of ecstasy now rippling through her body."
--You manage to make her "climax" the climax of the poem. The two sentences preceding this one are your best parts of the poem. This sequence makes this poem extraordinary.

Thank you so much for sharing your work with me! I have a new respect for your skill as a poetess, Pat. I wish you luck in the Quills! I will be rooting for this poem!

Regards,
Patrick

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **