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Review of Our Little Trek.  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Bigsmile* Hello ChakraLight

My Thought(s):
I'm not sure how other reviewers can give this story a 3 rating when it deserves a much higher/better rating. I really enjoyed reading this story. It is short, sweet, and to the point. More so, the details are so colorful and lively; it was as if I was actually there. *Cool*

My Favorite Part(s):
The beauty of my surroundings; the majestic mountains and crystal clear waters, are tainted and stained with blood.
The first sentence of your story really grapples the reader; it hooks them in. I was amazed by the level of detail you've manage to pull off in only one sentence. Crafty! *Cool*
My Suggestion(s):
I've noticed the excessive use of periods throughout the story. I don't know if...I think it's fine for the most part, but those sentences seem to be fragments. Then again, they are reading the thoughts of a character directly. I guess it's fine; other readers might not think so however. But at the end of the day, it really comes down to you. Good story, nevertheless. Great job! *Cool*
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Review of Ohio  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Bigsmile* Hello Seth Tymeson

My Thought(s):
Romeo and Juliet? At least that's what came to mind when I read through this poem or song. I really enjoyed it. *Cool*

My Favorite Part(s):
The chorus:

Ohio, Ohio She was picking berries when he saw her there
Ohio, Ohio tall and slender with jet-black hair

I like how the chorus summarizes what the poem is about. The first time you read through the chorus it is puzzling; sort of mysterious. Then, as you find out more information below the chorus, it becomes clear. Amazing work! *Cool*

My Suggestion(s):
On the second chorus, at the bottom, you forgot to spell, 'all' completely.

You probably should place a comma after the second, "Ohio" in the chorus to keep the punctuation consistent with the rest.

Other than that, nice job. I was really impressed by your talent here. Keep on writing! *Cool*
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Review of Invisible  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Bigsmile* Hello huskielover

My Thought(s):
Beautifully told...you have such a way with words. I was amazed at the depth and level of detail you've created for this poem. Amazing job! *Cool*

My Favorite Part(s):
i feel silent as the wind

I try to talk

but nobody listens

I can scream

All they hear is a whisper

What beautiful verses, I almost cried when reading through this segment. And I'm a guy. Nice job! *Cool*

My Suggestion(s):
There were several places, two I believe, that had a lower case, 'i.' I just wanted to point that out and also...

nobody sees me

I feel like air

The second verse is weak, in my opinion. Something like, "people see right through me" would be better; just a suggestion. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your poem. Keep on writing!*Cool*
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Review of Foundation  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hello Redbc~call me nothing.

My Thoughts:
It's amazing what a person can do with colorful vibrant words. You have painted a beautiful picture with your poem. Good job!

My Favorite Part(s):
"Lost to history" because everything that was said and told is now lost, gone, and written into history...beautifully poetic...

My Suggestion(s):
Nothing comes to mind in terms of suggestion or corrections.


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Review of Life  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
NOTES/ERRORS:
It's error free. Yay! Good job!
SUMMARY:
Overall, I like how the poem starts, but don't like how it ends. You begin the poem talking about losing a friend then half through you begin talking about life and the take aways. It's like two poems into one. Not that there is anything significantly wrong with this, it's just a bit out of focus. Consider dividing and separating. Just a suggestion.

*Delight* KEEP ON WRITING! *Cool*
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Review of Ridiculous Dream  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Smile* Hello Truth

My Thoughts:
A poem about golf? Really? Those were my thoughts when I came across your poem. They're good thoughts because I have never read anything about being a pro golfer. Good topic!

My Favorite Part(s):
"I want my money back" shouts Daren McGee is clever and funny.

"Wake up David, your late for work" barked Sue is also funny. I like these type of comedic reliefs in your poem. It makes the poem really stand out.

My Suggestion(s):
The words: practise, Unfortunently, and sue are misspelled. Well, "sue" needs to be capitalized. Everything else is fine. The rhymes were constant and appropriate. Well done!


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Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Smile* Hello Sadie Stone

My Thoughts:
Are these two people engaged in an affair? It sounds like the man is coming to 'please' the woman whose husband went off on a business trip. It sounds like this has been going on for awhile. The title, the description of walking on the grass a million times, the kiss "to the darkness" are clues I used to indicate this. Just a thought.

My Favorite Part(s):
"under a black sky painted with lights" is beautifully written.

The organization of the poem where both the man and woman have separate dialogues is well executed.

My Suggestion(s):
Verse: As we lay, staring at the stars that know our secret,
The word, "know" should have a 's,' "knows."

Verse: “I love you” I whisper to the darkness.
The "whisper to the darkness" is a bit odd. I think, "whisper in the darkness" would be a better verse/statement. Just a suggestion.

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Review of The Warden's Tale  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Smile* Hello Kourosh

My Thoughts:
I'm going to be honest, I was hesitant to review this; not because of my last review or your last work, it was because this story is...PERFECT!!! I was amazed at the amount of detail and technique you used in this piece. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It was nearly flawless and, therefore, I didn't really have much to criticize or suggest.

My Favorite Part(s):
I liked the detail description throughout the story such as, "He agreed, but I could see he was already regretting his decision. However, it was too late to retreat. I snapped the blades encouragingly. Finally, with one last look at the door, looking for another customer to come to his rescue, and seeing no one, he started his tale..." and , "I picked up a Kleenex and mopped the sweat from the back of his neck. A gust of angry brown wind punched the windows from the deserted street."

My Suggestion(s):
I have two suggestions. The part where the warden was "under the influence" is confusing. When I first read through this, I thought the warden was drunk; under the influence. I think this part should be revised.

The two characters, the warden and the barber, is appropriate for this type of story. However, I felt the warden was secondary and the barber was primary. The warden's character development was well developed and better than the barber. But he was a guest to the barber, which makes the warden seem secondary. If this story was a part of a novel and the barber is the main character, I could see how this section could fit in as a chapter. I guess that's what I'm trying to say is that this story feels like it's a part of a book because it develops the secondary character while giving the primary character the back seat. This is usually done as a chapter/writing technique.

Other than that...oh...as for the plot, it's good. It's really good. The idea of using probability and the dare/temptation of driving on the wrong side of the road going up a hill is perfect. In fact, that's what made this story great. I really enjoyed reading this and I think I am going to make this one of my favorites.


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Review of Love  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Smile* Hello, sylvia

My Thoughts:
Originally, I thought this was a haiku. I honestly believe this poem would/could be written as a haiku. Just a thought.

My Favorite Part(s):
The first verse, "Love Unrequited" because I had no clue what the word, "unrequited" meant. I actually had to look it up in a dictionary. Guilty!

My Suggestion(s):
For a short poem, I must say it's short, sweet, and to the point. Of course, I believe the message would be stronger if you expanded it a bit. By expanding, I mean add a few examples to give the reader an image of how love is pain or vice-versa. Just a suggestion.


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Review of Grandma's Woods  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hello, Freja A

My Thoughts:
For your first story this is pretty good. I usually find significant errors and typos from new members, but in this case, it was nearly flawless. Good job!

My Favorite Part(s):
I love your description and detail in the story. They brought it to life and made me feel like I was actually there with the characters.

My Suggestion(s):
I noticed you used commas over periods. This is evident with the first two sentences of the story. I'd suggest you use periods because I feel it would be more proper. It's all about preferences here; I'm a period fanatic. I guess it's okay as is; your choice.

In the sentence: Instead, you ran away like I was a troll and now were having this conversation."
The word, "were" suppose to be "we're." Just a minor typo.


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Review of Dirty Sinks...  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Smile* Hello, Telboy

My Thoughts:
I like this love story, but I found it a bit difficult to read because of the quotations that were either in quotes or a dash. Neither is wrong, it's just they were both used and mixed in the story. This threw me off a bit. Other than that, it's really good.

My Favorite Part(s):
The ending because it ends with a strong metaphor; well done.

My Suggestion(s):
Sentence: she almost dropped her used coffee mug into the dirty sink at the sheer brazenness ‘I beg your pardon?’
-You should put a comma or a period behind the word, "brazenness." Just a suggestion.

-You missed a period after that first paragraph.

Sentence: Alison just as nimble countered with a smile ‘Oh yeah, what was he right about, then?’
-Put a comma behind the word, "smile." Remove the comma after the word, "about." Just a suggestion.

Sentence: the fragrance of BVL hanging over Formica worktops.
-I believe there is suppose to be an apostrophe 's' behind, "Formica." What is Formica? A character? That part of the sentence sounded a bit awkward, which is why I suggested an apostrophe.

Sentence: 16:36 and he would sure head her way and as usual sweep on by, out of automatic doors, hissing the end of another day and she would have to wait for yet another distant morning.
-This sentence is too long; consider revising.

Sentence:
Monday would surely arrive and certainly dark hair, tanned and trim next to spectacles and fading hair could not go unnoticed and most of the girls including a smitten Alison had said as much at many a fag time and with all girls together huddled in a corner, tall tales stood ever taller and the new boy towered.
-This is another lengthy sentence that has six "and" words; consider revising.

Sentence: Clock watching from a quarter past four ever since and waiting for rehearsed movement and a cue of impending vacation as always
-This sentence is awkward because it goes from one thing to another to another. It's three different...declension statements; consider revising.

Sentence: Most of the evening should have been expended watching recorded television, but ultimately was consumed with rehearsals of the next morning when she would conveniently postpone her visit to the communal kitchen for early morning coffee and cut the ice and lay her cards on the table.
-This sentence almost passed as not being lengthy, except that second, "and" toward the end pretty much ruined that chance; consider revising.

Sentence: As more days passed and empty coffee morning musings were exchanged, the void encompassed the talk, it had not gone unnoticed by those who were concerned that the love of her life had in fact only been a temporary distraction and had flew to pastures new.
-Lengthy sentence; add a period behind, "talk."


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Review of Shapless  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Is this for the 100 word story challenge? It's 99 words as I am reviewing this.

SOME/NOTES:
-I was looking down at were Jeremy was fighting, the cage barely holding containing their violence .
The word "were" suppose to be "where." "The cage barely holding containing their violence" sounds awkward; consider revising.

-After some moments it just crept back into his cell and Jeremy was still alive.
"After some moments" does not make sense. Do you mean, "After a moment?" Just a thought. Oh yeah, a comma suppose to go after, "moment."

The title, "Shapless" is spelled incorrectly, or was this intentional?

Overall, I feel this story is too short to paint a complete picture. It would benefit greatly if this story had more information about the environment, the project that is being built, the characters and their intentions, and how/why is this fight club event taking place? I hope this helped.

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review of Training Log 1  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Beast it! Good job for going to the gym the past three months. Way to stay motivated! I, on the other had, can't. I try going from time to time. But I loose interest in about a month. Always! What I don't understand is why people work out their biceps more than any other muscle part in their bodies. Isn't the bicep a useless muscle part? I know it's great for show, but for everything else it's...useless. I noticed that you didn't list any protein shake or supplements you were/are taking. Are you doing this naturally? When I work out I usually take both protein and creatine with me. Before I workout, I usually take amino acids. After I workout, I eat a banana; take a multivitamin about 45 minutes later. Sometimes, I blast some Rocky music in my ears when I am at the gym; just to add some 'fun' to my workouts. Anyways, good job, and keep up the good work! Stay fit!

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review of qoutes for later  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
One minor note, I would put a dash in front of your name with no period at the end. As for the message, well, it's more on the lines of race and equality. I just don't think such a thing is a problem these days. If this quote were written in the 60s then it would be a very powerful statement in defense for Caucasians. And I'm glad you wrote something in defense of Caucasians because all I've been reading in history books is the suffering and hardship of immigrants the past two-three centuries with no perspective of the Anglo-Saxon or Caucasian people. Other than that, good job. I could see this quote being used in a theme or research paper. Keep on writing!

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Good job at getting the emotional aspect out. The only thing I really see wrong with this poem is the way it's organized/structured. There are certain places like the 14th verse that ties two verses together. I would consider organizing the verses individually and then place them into stanzas. That's just my opinion. Other than that, nice poem/prose. Keep on writing!

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review of Captive  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Interesting prose. I find this poem a bit confusing. "Love" is something that can tie down a relationship. In most cases, it's marriage. The first two lines indicate that love does not "tie down." Even teenage love can tie down a relationship. Sometimes, it lessens the boy or girl's chances with a potential future soul mate, which leads to a love dilemma. The line, "Love can't be tested" is also a bit misleading. Isn't it a test when one has to endure years of temptation? Isn't temptation a test of love? Sacrifice? You mentioned further down that "Love is trust and faith," isn't 'trust' and 'faith' a test of love as well? They're like one of those "starting out with an 'A" test where one has to maintain it throughout the course if they want to finish with that 'A.' I think you should provide a bit more clarity on the definition of "love" in this poem. One last thing to note, I think you should break this poem or prose into stanzas. It would be organized better and have a better flow with a three part stanza structure. Just a thought. Keep on writing!
Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review of Shattered Mirror  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SOME NOTES/ERRORS:
The first sentence of paragraph one: "I sat at the vanity..." I believe the word, "vanity" suppose to be capitalized because it indicates a specific place.

The third paragraph, sentence five: "Each slam of my fists drove the cracks out further..." The problem I have with this sentence is that it's too long or too wordy in my opinion. The entire story flows well, but this particular part/section is the one where it seems at odds with the rest of the story. Consider revising to something more poetic like, "With each slam, my fist created ripples of cracks..." or something along those lines.

Overall, I honestly believed this is a great story. The amount of colorful words used and the right amount of consistency you created throughout really made this story very visual and enjoyable to read. I could actually see what was happening inside my mind. You've certainly painted a beautiful picture for the readers. With that said, the problem with this story is that it lacks character development. The story is way too short; therefore, character development is a bit lacking. If you were to write one or two more paragraphs about the character's past or history, traits, habits, and so forth, I believe this story would be perfect; ready for publication. That's just my thought/advice. Thanks for sharing.

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Review of The rescue  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm guessing this is a love poem. I like the choice of words you used like "cynical," "insecurities," and "vulnerability." It makes the poem stand out. I also like the going back and forth narration between the beautiful/hopeful to the ugly/hopeless. The problem I have with this technique is that...well, I don't think it works for the ending; the last four lines. I think it makes the poem too depressing for the reader to completely enjoy. I really enjoyed reading this poem up until the ending portion. I'd suggest you revise the last four lines to something more hopeful instead of hopeless. That is just my advice. Overall, it's a good start, a good piece, keep on writing!

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting. Including the title, you have 59 words. I suggest you put the title in the header and not with the story. The problem I have with this story is that...it's confusing. Who's saying" hold on tight, shipmate?" Is the captain, mother, or father? You mention the word, "sofa." I find hard to picture a sofa in a rescue boat. You probably want to change that to something else. I know it's hard to come up with a 55 word story. I remember when I first entered this contest, I went up against some really talented 55 word story writers. I never knew you can paint a very detailed picture with 55 words, but I learned the hard way. Anyhow, good start, keep up the good work!
Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review of As the Sun Sets  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like how you were able to bring forth all the issues and concerns about becoming a man. I suggest you don't use the line, "as the sun sets." I think you should use a line that has a cycle like the circle of life. If you are going to use the sun then you should make it in cycles like the rising dawn, twilight, afternoon, midnight, etc. Make the time go by with the character. I feel all this is happening in one day and, realistically, a teenage boy will not realize all these complications in one day. I know I didn't. Just a thought.
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Review of Why?  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Questions from a six year old? I don't think so. This is more like questions from a single mother in her freshmen year at some small town college. A six year old would not know who Shakespeare is or the term, "fashionable." A six year is concerned more about things that pertain to school or Kindergarten like why is a diamond called a rhombus? Or why is the word, "cat" spelled with a 'c' and not a 'k?' I think this poem should be revised to include only thoughts of an individual, not an age group.

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review of Weather Within  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Not bad. I must say your metaphor of the weather is awesome and appropriate. I was a bit confused at first when I first read through this. Then, on my second read, I realized that it's broken into three stanzas: your pain inside, like the weather, then your pain inside again. I would consider breaking this poem up into three stanzas so it make be easier for the reader to understand; meaning, add a space after each stanza. Other than that, good work. Keep on writing!
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Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The title needs some capitalization, "Don't Give Up on Me."

Verse 5: I sit beside you and what you see is not "me". The period needs to go behind, "me."

Verse 6: I am however still here!, "TRAPPED" in this horrible place inside! Remove the comma after the exclamation mark. Add two commas; one in front of and the second one behind, "however."

Verse 9: Your mistaken!" The word, "your" should be, "you're."

Verse 10: I cry myself to sleep at night. I hate "ME"! Add a comma after, "hate."

Verse 11: My heart breaks for our children for they have in a sense, lost their mother. Add a comma after, "have."

Verse 13: Its as if I am a disease invading your body. Add an apostrophe behind the 't' in, "its."

Verse 18: I know your having a hard time holding on. The word, "your" change to, "you're."

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Review of Back to School  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Some notes:

-First off, the word, "school" in your title should be capitalized.

-In the first paragraph, "Or did he say "huge"?" The question mark should be behind the, "e." There are other areas in your story that the punctuation occurs after the quotation mark. It should come before at all times.

-Awkward sentence arrangement with: "They fit a little tighter now than they did on that day last school year (March 3, 2011 at 1:15 pm) when Adam commented." Consider mentioning the date first then adding the sentence.

-Sentence fragments occur throughout the story mainly with the additional thoughts the character adds like, "So what, no big deal," "Oh no" and "Much more confident" to name a few.

Organization wise, your story talks more about your favorite blue jeans than the anxiety you are feeling for the first day of school. Therefore, I would recommend you focus more on your blue jeans; add more detail like history-when you bought it, how did it feel when you first worn them and so on, so forth. One more thing, because your story is talking about your favorite blue jeans your title needs to be changed.

Character development in some areas were good, particularly with the "I" character while they suffered in other areas like your friends, your crush, etc. The environment can also play out as a character and in this story it was nonexistent. The setting was only mentioned once. I think you should develop the setting more. It would bring more depth that this story requires and it would paint a better picture to the readers.

Overall, I thought the story was good. You brought out the feeling of anxiety well, especially the feeling of hopelessness on the bus. Keep on writing!

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review of Washed my cat  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am amazed by the level of detail you presented here. It is so detailed that I feel I am right there next to you while you are washing your cat. As for the problems, well, there some minor ones:

-Indention spaces required at the beginning of each paragraph. It would be more easier on the eyes and the reader.

-On the second paragraph you have too many, "and" words. At times, you use two, "and" words in one sentence. You might want to eliminate a few of those.

-Line: "she gave little meow instead of ferocious fight like I thought she would." You should use quotation marks on, "meow."

-Line: "But she was very jumpy and ready to run if anything startle her." The word, "startle" should be, "startled."

-Line: "In this way, I was directing her body, otherwise she will wrangle her body and might hurt herself." use a semi-colon before, "otherwise" and a comma afterwards.

Line: "I shampooed her body and rinsed with water. I even turned her body upside down and dipped in water." Combine these two sentences into one, "I shampooed her body while she was turned upside down, and rinsed her off with water."

Line: "Afterwards, I gently rubbed her face with my wet hand, trying no to put water in her ear." I think, "no" is suppose to be, "not."

Line: "Of course this wasn't best experience..." should be revised to, "Of course, this wasn't the best experience..."

Other than that, it is an excellent story. I tip my hat off to you. You have an amazing level of detail and craftsmanship. Keep up the good work!

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.



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