HelloVikash_007 THOUGHTS:
Not bad. You have some good ideas here. Perhaps it needs more additions like examples of why social media is a curse and how it "summons you to hell." Just a thought.
HAPPY MISTAKES: As we grow older ,we graudually used to realise a lot of things…
Two typos in this verse, "graudually" and "realise."
And these days social media is more like curse than boon,
HelloLou-Here By His Grace THOUGHTS:
Nice song lyrics. I love the repetition used throughout, especially the prayer. I love the flow and rhymes. They were consistent and well-done throughout. Nice job! Great write!
HAPPY MISTAKES:
You should add a question mark on the verse: Why do they cry
Maybe you can add some color to your poem like use baby blue or light blue with the prayer stanza. That way it is soft, and reveals sacredness. Just a thought.
HelloBeholden THOUGHTS:
After I read the first few verses, I thought I was reading a Tony Hillerman novel. It was so beautiful and descriptive. It's like I was actually there. The only difference is that Tony Hillerman includes the sun light and how it colors/discolors the canyons or the sand or the plants depending on the time of day and atmosphere. That would be my only advise to you, to add some sun light and describe how it reflects on the beautiful autumn sand or land in that moment. Beautiful write!
HAPPY MISTAKES:
None, just the sun light thing; other than that, it's perfect! Keep on writing!
HelloSum1 THOUGHTS:
Don't lie now, you tried didn't you? I was astonished! Never before had I read a poem with emoticons in every verse. And that ending, wow! The 2nd stanza combined with the 4th really took it home for me. Even though this poem may have been for fun. It really took skill to compose such artistry. Nice work!
HAPPY MISTAKES:
None, it's well written with emoticons!
HelloKåre Enga in Montana THOUGHTS:
I like it! Not because it's about enjoying the moments in the bathtub with . I like it because it's about enjoying the moment in your elderly years despite everything around you. Nice write!
HAPPY MISTAKES:
None, it's well written; except for the inserts at the bottom that includes the date and so forth. Other than that, keep on writing!
HelloDragonfly THOUGHTS:
I love it! A poem about getting old and dealing with all the pain and misery accumulated through a lifetime of problems; as oppose to when your were young. Back in the day, my father use to tell me that getting old were the golden years. Now, I know he was lying. I see so many elderly people suffering through pain, diseases, and misery. It's like they're coup-up on 10 different medications just to get by every day. I think getting old is horrible, but others say it is like a fully-blossom daisy, ready to shed onto other adventures.
HAPPY MISTAKES: Knowing there is no redo, no retake no second chance
HelloJacky THOUGHTS:
It's great! This reminded me of a Youtube vlog, except it's written. I envisioned everything in your story. That's not something that happens to me regularly. Sometimes, it takes me two or three reads to finally comprehend. It's not that I have a learning disability or anything like that. It's just I hate reading . Great write!
HAPPY MISTAKES:
Next Facebook. She perused her friends’ posts, laughed and “awwww”-ed in all the appropriate places, made a couple comments, left smiling.
The "left smiling" part is just hanging there; it's like an awkward pause. Consider adding a period where the comma is and then writing, "she left smiling." Just a thought.
Her habit was to let it jell a while as she went through her morning routine, shower, dress, take the dog out, feed dog and cats.
HelloKitbok THOUGHTS:
A poem honoring the words of Jesus Christ aka The Bible. I can't say I agree, but I'm not disagreeing. See, I'm Native-American and I grew up to believe that the Holy People created different worlds in which we traveled and emerged through until we came to this world. I go believe there's "good" and "evil." The question becomes: in what form?
HAPPY MISTAKES:
It's well written. Keep on writing!
HelloDr M C Gupta THOUGHTS:
Save me from society, yes sir! Your poem touches on an important issue, norms. I disagree that men are the problem. Women can be toxic too. The problem lies in social norms. Norms that create rules; thus, establishes gender inequality. Some of these rules such as why women have to shave their body parts daily to be socially accepted is bizarre to say the least. Or why women have to put on a 5-star performance that includes dance choreography and flashy performance/attires/lights to get a perfect rating as compared to a male performer who just stand there with a guitar all night and they receive the same rating (The Dua Lipa complaint). It's not fair.
HAPPY MISTAKES:
It's wordstastic! No errors that I see. Keep on writing!
HelloProsperous Snow celebrating THOUGHTS:
A poem about your mother. I remember when my father first passed, I was in the 10th grade. It seems so eerie. One day, we were hanging out, like nothing was wrong and everything was perfect; very surreal. The next day, he was gone. A year goes by and I still pictured him sitting on his bed in the middle of the night, waiting for the pain in his knee to reduce. Yes sir, all his pain and misery are gone now. He is at peace and I am happy for him. Nice write!
HAPPY MISTAKES:
None, it's well written. Keep on writing!
HelloKitbok THOUGHTS:
Not too shabby. I must say, I did enjoy this piece. I felt it has great potential to be included in a magazine. I use to read a lot of literature from magazines back in the day. Not sure if they still include short stories, but this piece would definitely make publication. A lot of magazines have went out of business. It's kinda hard to get your work out there now, but I'm glad you included here in the writing.com community for all to share. Who knows, maybe it would be included in a magazine one day or your own book with short stories. Great write!
HAPPY MISTAKES: Lazar and his wife stayed in the city, but sometimes they used to come and stayed with this family in our village.
This sentence is pretty awkward. Consider revising. The word, "used" should be "use" in my opinion, but even if it is correct as is, it is still awkward reading through it.
}Does one whose hopes were fading,
You have a typo right at the beginning with the "}" symbol.
HelloProsperous Snow celebrating THOUGHTS:
Written on New Years Eve of 2013. My goodness, does time fly. I'm sure back when you wrote this you wouldn't have dreamed of a year like 2020. Now, it's like we're in 2021 and we are barely getting back to normal. Who would have thought? 8 years have gone by and I can barely remember what I did back in 2013. It's like an Astrid of sorts.
HAPPY MISTAKES:
None, it's well written. I must say that the indention/spacing are a bit awkward, but perhaps what was for a reason. Great write!
HelloOurHeartsAreOne THOUGHTS:
You can never go wrong when you write something from the heart. This poem is an example of that. It's very sad in a way because it was for your grandmother. I know how much our elderly mean. I too have lost my grandmother and grandfather. They were truly extraordinary people. I will always remember them.
HAPPY MISTAKES:
No errors, the only recommendation I would make is to add more depth like more stanzas talking about moments with your grandmother, her personality, her traits, etc.
HelloLou-Here By His Grace THOUGHTS:
This poem was paying homage to the good ol' days when technology didn't include smart phones, iPads, or the internet. A radio was more than adequate. I grew up in the 90s and that was the only thing there was to do, listen to the radio and work. Now days, everyone has an attention span of a kindergarten. It's kinda sad really. Not really listens anymore, everyone seems to drift.
HAPPY MISTAKES:
None, it's well written. The only recommendation I would add is to add some rhymes, but I can see it was written with conviction.
Hello🌕 HuntersMoon THOUGHTS:
I see a display of skill bestowed upon thee. I was amazed at how much depth this poem contained. You had some unique repeating verses, great metaphor and similes, solid rhyming flow throughout. Everything just congealed at the end. This is something out of a literature book; it has all the great qualities as that of a featured poem.
HAPPY MISTAKES:
Verse: too many promises that were never kept,
On the next verse, you ended with a question mark. The two verses are similar so I thought that the verse I highlighted should end with a question mark too. Just a thought.
Why I chose your piece? It was chosen random to me through, "Read & Review."
What I think of it? Outstanding! Perhaps I'm being too kind, but I really like this poem. The fact that it was an old poem with no reviews or ratings is astonishing. I'm appalled. People are missing out here.
The parts/verses I liked are both the 2nd and 3rd stanza. It was these two stanzas that gave hope and paved the way for resurgence in writing, literature, and life.
Any errors or mistakes? None, it's too perfect to say and the say is great. Keep on writing!
Hello THOUGHTS:
A poem about a blossomed flower. Great metaphor usage here. The flower was behaving like a tiny dancer. I love the humanization used here. Overall, the poem is short, sweet, and spoken in metaphor. Great write!
HAPPY MISTAKES:
None, it's well written. Nice on! Keep on writing!
My Thoughts:
It was a bit confusing, but it will work. The whole souls thing...it would probably work in a novel. In short story form, it may cause some problems; particular with background information. If you give the reader a clear description of these souls then maybe you have a masterpiece in the making here.
My Favorite Part(s):
My favorite part was the different souls you introduced such as: Whole, Givers, Takers, and Council.
My Suggestion(s):
There were several punctuation/grammar errors, but I figured this was just notes on a project you were starting. I did not bother to correct those.
Why I chose your piece? Your poem was given to me randomly through "Read & Review."
What I think of it? Star Trek lore or a homage to the two greatest science-fiction characters ever created. I'm not a huge Star Trek fan, but I respect its creation and body of work. I use to watch The Next Generation a lot when I was younger, but those days are long behind me. Great limerick!
HelloFivesixer THOUGHTS:
"Yas!" was my first thoughts after reading your poem. I too have worked with toxic people and it is not fun. For one, instead of them working to improve things in the working relationship, you have to make the effort. In most cases, there is nothing you can do as they are your co-worker. I swear, the years I've worked with someone difficult were the years I've improved greatly as a person overall. I guess there's a payoff if you're willing to make it work. Then again, I've known many that resigned and turned the other cheek.
HAPPY MISTAKES:
2nd Verse: "You scare people away from you",
SUMMARY/THOUGHTS:
I liked it. The poem has great potential. I feel there's something missing. Perhaps more details and description or emotional background on the person entering this new dimension are needed. I feel the poem is almost perfect. Consider adding a bit more emotional detail (like the excitement or fear the character feels before entering) to make the poem more atmospheric.
Why I chose your piece? It was given to me randomly through 'Read & Review.'
What I think of it? It had a Little Mermaid vibe to it. I'm not talking about the Disney version. I'm talking about the depressing folklore/story where she didn't get the man and wind up dying and spending 10,000 years as a singing angel for redemption. Your poem was quite sad, but has some truth or reality to it. The woman in the poem has a one night stand with her prince charming, but is abandon immediately. She has his baby, but it dies in a day. She ends up alone with a single tear rolling down her eye. I guess not all fairy tales can have happy endings.
Any errors or mistakes? None, it's well written. Keep on writing!
My Thoughts:
Quite lovely I must say. A poem of a broken soul eager to return back to normal.
My Favorite Part(s):
The 3rd and 4th stanzas were my favorite because the poem begins transitioning from pain and distress to hopefulness.
My Suggestion(s):
None really, only that I noticed you included two periods. One at the end of your first stanza and one on the last stanza. Was there a reason behind this? Other than that, great poem!
HelloDr M C Gupta THOUGHTS:
Great poem! You nearly perfected this one. I'm probably interpreting this wrong. So the character's spirit is floating up to Heaven? That was my take and the character was scared to face this death, but the holy one reassured him that death is precious. It is what gives value to life as they say. Great write!
HAPPY MISTAKES:
Verse: Pray, tell me where you have gone”.
NOTES/ERRORS:
None, it's well written. No grammar or punctuation errors. Nice job!
SUMMARY/THOUGHTS:
It's a short short story and I thought you did a outstanding job with it. I never knew so much description can used in such a short paragraph. This technique reminded me of Tony Hillerman, as he used a lot of descriptive words in his novels. He mostly did so with the landscapes and environment; beautiful portraits he created with descriptive words. Nice write!
KEEP ON WRITING!
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