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Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! It's unusual that I come across a poem without many flaws. I must say you have talent. The only thing I would suggest is changing the lines:

Dreams forgotten like a toy,
unlike this one boy.

This area is dull in my opinion. For one, I don't ever recall forgetting any of my toys. Also, when I hear people talk about their childhoods they always bring up their toys. The next line, "unlike this one boy," this line appears to have just been thrown in as a 'filler;' it was put in as a forced line to keep the flow or rhyme of the poem going. Don't get me wrong, you must mention, "boy" to help the reader identify the antagonist, but doing it here seems forced.

Other than that, this is a great poem. You have incredible skill and depth. Keep on writing!

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review of Bend and Fold  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting. I like how you stayed consistent with the whole dead/death theme throughout the poem, especially in the first line, "your hands have grown cold." The things I recommend changing is in the entire middle of your poem from:

Now I can be found picking up your pieces

Lying on the ground, what a mess you’ve made.

Deeper than the darkest hole I’ve dug myself, that’s where your bones will lay to rest.

This piece would attach to the ending, however, this leaves the poem with no middle piece. The middle piece is where you throw a few examples to the reader to establish a visual. I feel this visual would make the poem stand out even more. Of course, these are only suggestions.

Other notes:
You are missing a few commas and periods. I noticed you used three periods altogether while in other areas there are none. A question mark could be used at the end of the poem.

Verse 8 : "But your still calling me..." The word, "your' should be, "you're."

I hope this helps. Remember, these are only suggestions. Keep on writing!
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Review of life  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem is too short to give a fair rating. So I'll give it a 3.5. Overall, it's short, sweet, and to the point, which I like. However, I would change the last two lines to, "no matter how bad life gets, you'll always find something good about it" or "no matter how bad life gets, you will always find something new about it." There are other ways to state it better, but those would be my considerations; it's entirely up to you. It's a fine poem and I think it is a great way to kick start your writing journey here on this website. Keep on writing!
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Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great poem. I always wanted to write something like this, but just couldn't fully grasp the idea.

Some notes:

There is a triple line gap after the first stanza. It's not a big deal; I just wanted to note that.

Sentence 12 or Stanza 3, Verse 4: "I cared for you, but not like that mattered now." The word, "mattered" should be "matters" because "now" is a present tense word, therefore, "mattered" needs to be present tense as well...or you could just eliminate the word, "now." You could also change the word, "now" to "then" to make the line stay past tense. It's up to you.

Overall, I thought this poem was excellent. I really enjoyed the emotions you expressed in each line. You were very consistent and executed your thoughts well. Keep on writing!

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Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The last line: "Life is created in irony." Would'n't it be better to say, "Life is created through irony" than in irony? Because through irony, one is challenged throughout his/her lifetime. Just a thought. Otherwise, nice poem, such creative use of colorful words. Keep on writing!

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Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review of Fall  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
What kind of style is this? Just curious because it looks like a haiku at first glance, but when you add up the syllables it's not. Were you trying to write a haiku? If you were then the pattern goes 5-7-5, traditionally. If not, then I would suggest adding more to the segment or change the title to: The Observation of Fall. Still, I think you should revise this into a haiku, otherwise, readers are going to think you were attempting one. Anyways, keep on writing!

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review of Faith fight  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very well done. As for suggestions, well, I can't really say much. Of course, you could add punctuactions to each segment/verse. This is a poem so I can't enforce it; although, a lot of readers on this website will also make the same case. It's entirely up to you, but it's fine the way it is. Keep on writing!

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.
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Review of I believe  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Okay, your opening sentence: "I believe in many things in life, - forgiveness, true love, the idea that money does not buy happiness, ghosts, and that the love you have for someone or something will endure, even after they are gone." Needs to be revised or eliminated because it doesn't completely connect with the next couple of sentences below that. You start with your beliefs then you go into your dog Molly. To me, that's not how a formal essay is structured. An essay, formal or informal, needs to be consistant throughout. So if you are going to talk about your dog Molly then you would need to start the essay along the lines of that like: "Dogs are considered a man's best friend. However, they can be women's best friend as well."

Anyhow, just thought I note that. Oh yeah, and where is your thesis? "I believe in not just my, but Molly." This thesis or sentence is confusing so who's Molly again? You mentioned her as your dog, but in this sentence you refer her as somebody else.

Sig created by, once again, Leger. Thank-you Leger.



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Review of New Goddess  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I would add more punctuations:

It's funny how
one unexpected dream
can make you fall in love.
I promised myself that I
would never put myself through this again.
It's not worth the torment,
so I tell myself,
"She is just an illusion"
and,
"It's just a chemical process"
but deep down
I would still give my life to her.

My PC

Added are several commas and periods. One word, "My" was added in the last verse to give it a more personal feel. Anyhow, these are only my suggestions, although, it would be nice to expand this piece a bit more like more examples of this 'crush' as in what does the character do with the PC, how they charm each other, love at first sight, etc.

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Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Pretty good. The only problem I have with this piece is the spacing. I don't like how it is spaced. In certain areas it is unnessary like in verse 8, "wouldn’t." I feel this poem would be better spaced in groups of three like:

I saw them once
green, winged, barbed
tentacles that grabbed me

Other than that, good poem, nice flow, and keep on writing!
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Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very well-done-descriptive story! The only flaw I found was the last line, "Our first television arrived the next day." I feel this line takes the emotions away from the last paragraph, the funeral. I feel this should be included somewhere in the middle where the child is in his room lingering his thoughts. Otherwise, very well done, this story is one of those stories I wished I wrote it. Nevertheless, nice job, and keep on writing!

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Review of Break Me  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You should write this in a Haiku form (5-7-5) because it would match the style and length. Otherwise, I see your point/message and I think it is good telling someone that they can take whatever they desire from you, but they can't break it because you're fragile. Actually, we are all fragile. Anyway, nice poem, and keep on writing!

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Review of Secrets  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting poem. It kind of reminds of Tupac's poem, "The Rose that Grew from Concrete." This has the similar tone, but I feel it is a bit too short. I would like to see more description about the rose: how beautiful it is, what color (obviously red), the smell, the incredible feelings it leaves the character. You know, the idea that I, the reader, am actually there with the rose, lost in its beauty.

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Review of A Thousand Years  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice. Some minor notes:

Opening Line: "Upon these rocky shores I stood a child before the open sea." Even though this is a poem, I still feel a comma should be added in this line, "Upon these rocky shores I stood, a child before the open sea." Just to give the reader a proper break in that first line.

Other than that, nice poem. Keep on writing!

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Review of Truth  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome. I would like to say that this poem is...good. The part I have a problem with is the ending, "The truth never did set me free." It's as though you went from a poem to a prose with this line. I would consider revising it to, "The truth never did set you free, did it?" You know, to give the reader a backlash as if the poem was geared toward them and not a character. Anyhow, just a thought, it's fine the way it is. And welcome to writing.com; keep on writing!
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Review of Rejected  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm...speechless. I must say, for a newcomer, this is pretty good. The only flaw I found was, "You standing down looking up to me." I found this line sort of...ruining the flow of the poem. Plus, this person looking up to the character, "you," is this reverse psycology where the devil injected, "you" and "you" became the devil and returned the favor? Anyhow, the flow goes very well up til that point. I would slightly revise that to, "You standing down, looking at me." All-in-all, keep on writing!

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Review of If I....  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! In such a small segment tells the complete thoughts of a vengeful character. The only suggestion I would make is to add punctuations (periods) at the end of every statement/verse. Just so one thought ends and another one begins. This is to help the reader better relate to your poem that the character's thoughts are singular, not justified. Just a thought. All-in-All, keep on writing!
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Review of Tommy  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Line: "The wouldn’t accept a house cat as one of their own." Typo on the first word, it should be, "They."

Overall, I feel this story should be transformed into a poem because it's short and tells the thoughts of a cat. Also, I never caught the cat's name, perhaps, that should be added in the beginning so that the reader knows everything about this cat character from beginning to end. Just a thought. All-in-all, keep on writing!

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Review of Death Stalkers  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Sentence 3, Paragraph 1: "Turning on the ignition after stradling the seat still standing, she sat down." Sounds awkward, I would consider revising to something like, "She turned on the ignition and after she stradled the seat, she sat down." You have an extra word in there that isn't necessary which is,"still standing" and that's what makes the sentence awkward. It's called 'wordiness' because you already state that the biker has sat down, therefore, cues the reader that the biker, before sitting down, was standing.

Sentence 1, Paragraph 2: ""Hey, you busy tonight?' a voice says from the shadows." What about, "'Hey, you busy tonight?' ask a voice from the shadows." Just replace, "says" with, "ask."

Sentence 2, Paragraph 2: "'You know i am Kirk, what do you want?'" The, "i" needs to be capitalized.

Sentence 3, Paragraph 2: "'Same thing as always, money you got any jobs for me tonight, i need it real bad?'" This sentence needs proper punctuactions because as I read it, it sounds as though, "money" was a character. "Same thing as always, money, you got any jobs for me tonight? I need one real bad?" Added were a comma and a question mark.

Sentence 5, Paragraph 2: "She turned her bike around and left without a second glance backwards." The part that concerned me here was, "second glance backwards." It sounds poetic, therefore, needs to be changed, "without another glance" or "without a glance."

Sentence 1, Paragraph 4: "A husky male voice replied, 'Stop with the smart assery or ill stop with the pay!' The, "i" needs to be capitalized.

I'll stop here. From what I read so far, it's okay in terms of comprehension. Perhaps that's what really matters in a story like this. But overall, I feel this story lacks proper character development and setting. The story began as if I, the reader, already knew this place in which I didn't. I don't even know the character that well and yet it's introduced to me as so. In terms of punctuaction and grammar, parts of the story needed proper quotations marks. I noticed you used only single quotation which, to me, stated that these character were talking inside their heads. Despite all this, I do give you a lot of credit for trying to expand your creativity. It's not easy writing about themes of the holidays, in this case, Halloween (horror, torture, gore, etc.). All-in-all, keep on writing!

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Review of A Garden Bower  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! Talk about technical. I like this poem because it's simple, yet filled with description. Your words are truly colorful. The only thing I would suggest is to revise the last segment, "a garden bower for a queen" because it doesn't entirely rhyme with the last verse. It's not that big of a deal though; all-in-all, keep on writing!

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Review of My Dad  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Errors/Typos:

Verse 11: "He has maitained his sobriety." The word, "maitained" is a typo, "maintained."

Structure:
Structure wise, I feel this poem jumps back and forth about the character's dad. It begans with positive verses then the next segment jumps into negatives. Is this what you were intending? Because the conclusion indicates the two faces or 'masks' that the character's dad wears; that he is two different people at home and with other people. If this is so, then I don't really have any suggestions, structure wise.

Otherwise, the poem should be consistant with one theme, whether it's your dad's good side or his bad, but not both. In my view, doing both takes a lot of the emotions away, when a reader reads this, and emotions are very important in poetry writing. Just a suggestion.

Character Development:
More similes or descriptions are needed to better describe the character's father like, "My dad, the role model, helps me with my homework everyday even after his long 30 hour shifts."

Plot:
N/A, although, it's entirely up to you to add a plot.

Summary:
Overall, the poem is okay. It does need some polishing or revisions in character development and probably structure. I will admit, the mask of the father is very creative. Nice thinking, and keep on writing!

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Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Well, first off, this is not an essay. It's more of a poem than an essay because of the second paragraph, which has some rhymes. A reflection essay would contain a thesis, a body of your argument, and a conclusion of your final thoughts. This is only two paragraphs long with no introduction. My suggestion is to turn this piece into a poem because you get the emotions and thoughts off well, but format wise, it's not properly structured; at least in essay form that is. Just a thought. All-in-all, keep on writing!
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Review of Friends  
Review by Leeboi
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Some notes:

Verse 1: "I find," how about adding a colon instead of a comma after, "find" because you name quite a list after this line. Just a thought.

Verse 15,16, & 17:

What counts in the end?
I ask,
When the life wanes,

On verse 16, eliminate that whole verse. It's not needed. In my view, it's too wordy and would be better without it to make the answer much more meaningful; as it is not bothered or ruin by the last verse. Also, on verse 17, "When the life wanes," how about, "When life wanes" or "As life wanes."

Last Verse: "Few good friends." Add an, "A" at the beginning for a better flow and a more completed sentence.

Overall, I feel the prose needs more clarification as to why those things you've listed are important or were considered by you, the writer. In other words, a bit more description of why the character or "you" find life as depressing as described in some of your verves such as: "The corn fields," and "The bucolic plains."
Also ask yourself: Why are friends important in the end? Because they are excellent in understanding? They are the closest thing to family? These need to be clarified in order for the reader to gain a better understanding of your prose. These are only suggestions and I hope this does not discourage you. I am only trying to help. Otherwise, keep on writing!

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