I love the way this poem describes a hunting scene and what happens to the game after it. An unusual yet very powerful way of depicting it. The last three lines are very effective in showing that although mouths are fed other's will starve.
Poppy
Boring lecturer's and teachers, tend to send me into that state of mindfulness where my thoughts wander on to something alien to what is being taught. I've imagined all kinds of things. When we were younger they used to tell us to stop daydreaming.
I say it's a wonderful way of getting ideas for writing.
I liked this story it described the state of just falling to, or awakening from sleep very well.
I also liked the way you interspersed parts of the boring lecture.
Poppy
I liked the first two stanzas unsure about the third though. I felt it weakened the sonnet . If you work on it I feel that it will get a higher rating. The idea is good.
I would have rated this five if the opening paragraph had been stronger. I felt that it contained too many he said ,they said, dad said. dozens of kids said, moments. If this opening paragraph was redrafted I feel that a more punchy opening would add to the fear factor.
Blessings come in many forms. Some are blessed with wealth, others with the ability to love and be loved. I'm with you on this one, I know which is the most important blessing. Unfortunately many people don't. Too them life is about keeping up with Jones's who have been replaced by celebrities nowadays.
I feel that this has the makings of a good story. When reading it, I felt that it would become clearer if this prologue was written from the point of view of one of the men. The reason being, that the terms, first man, second man, seemed over used and we lost who was doing what and where.
This is only my opinion, other reviewers may think differently.
Keep on writing.
Poppy.
A moving poem. I had a friend who was on Lithium, an horrendous drug. She often told me that my support was important to her. Keep on giving your support and writing about things that are important to you.
Poppy
I think many of us lose our own identity when we form a deep relationship with another person. I am, becomes we are. When that relationship comes to an end then 'We,' have to search long and hard to become 'I,' again. Once that happens some of us are reluctant to trust again.
I feel this piece of writing depicts the situation very well. I love the end line, 'I don't miss you.'
Poppy
I enjoyed reading this poem. I did notice that it began with one person talking about their feelings, but ended saying ,'We must just learn to live with it.' I feel that it would read better if it was kept as, I instead of we. But that is just my opinion.
Poppy
I found this amusing and liked the way it reminded us of old fairy tales. It has left me wondering, whether it is going to be a short story or a novel and if the latter are you aiming it at a particular age group for children, or at adults? You have said it's in the early stages. I hope you finish it.
Poppy
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