"'How many more times are you going to say that?' her mother, Evelyn asked." - You either need a comma both sides of "Evelyn" or no commas around it.
"'I know, sorry Mum.'" - You need a comma before "Mum." There are a few places where you have directly addressed people, but not used commas to surround their names. I would just look out for that.
"Sally flew down the stairs, 'Daddy!'" - It should be a full stop, not a comma before the speech because you have a statement leading to it, not a dialogue tag. There are a few places where I would change this.
"Grandmas here!” - You need an apostrophe before the
s.
"The children are just as excited as I was when I was little. - You missed the end quotation mark here.
"colourful sparks crackling wildly," - You need a full stop at this paragraph end, not a comma.
"then seeing his daughter’s scared face said 'Come on'" - You missed the comma before the speech.