Choconut's (purplesunday) Reviews

Choconut

Review Requests: OFF

2,032 Public Reviews Given

2,051 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.

I'm good at...

I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.

Favorite Genres

Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.

Least Favorite Genres

Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.

Favorite Item Types

Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.

Least Favorite Item Types

Chapters from the middle of books.

76

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4741133

Review of Beginnings

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Jacky

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

What I loved the most about this flash fiction is how easy the narrative is. I can almost hear the three people interacting with one another. Their voices are clear and likeable. I like how there is humour within their words, inside the story. I can imagine the three people smiling and laughing as they chat. In fact, I did wonder whether this is based on a personal experience of yours? The characters come across as being authentic and real. That's why I wondered whether they are.

I love the way Grampa and Gramma play in their interaction. This is clearly a story they have told before, and their delight in telling it again now is obvious. The joke about what was actually said when Grampa phoned to ask his future wife's friend if she thought he was in with a chance with Barbara, is great. The two grandparents tell the story between them, one interrupting the other as they go. It really is a lovely relationship, and it shines in this story.

You have chosen the perfect title for this flash fiction. "Beginnings" really is about the beginning of this relationship, which has now been a thing for many, many years. Because of the way you show the light teasing of Barbara to her husband, it almost feels as though the relationship is new. It's fresh.

Suggestions: I have a couple of punctuation suggestions. "Why don’t you tell her about it, you were there." - As this is a question, there should be a question mark at the end of it. I would change it to: "Why don’t you tell her about it? You were there." Also, there is this that I would change: "I called and asked Barbara if she thought her friend would go out with me, apparently, Gram ..." - I would place a period after "me" instead of a comma. Then start the next sentence with "Apparently, Gram ..."

Parting comments: This is a lovely flash fiction about a relationship that is loving and playful, even after all these years. I really enjoyed this.

Choconut

My House Targaryen Sig. for Game of Thrones, 2024.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

77

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4741073

Review of Unexpected Gift

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi IdaLin

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This is a lovely tale of love through the years. It's a great premise for a story. A woman receives a gift in the mail. It was sent almost fifty years previously. A diamond ring from the man who hoped to gain her hand in marriage. It really tugged at my heartstrings. I felt so sorry for Miriam when I learned that Jonathan died under enemy fire in Vietnam. So he never got to propose properly, and Miriam never got her second change at love. I know she said she wouldn't marry anyone else, but I have a feeling Jonathan might have changed her mind.

The direction you took with the story prompts is fantastic. They are four seemingly unrelated items, but you have woven them together seamlessly. They fit really well and complement one another. My favourite is the orange tabby cat, Liza. You sketched this cat really well. By showing her around Miriam's feet, and then jumping up onto the counter and wagging her tail, you make her come alive.

I must say you create a good deal of suspense and intrigue. Seeing Miriam unsure about opening the gift, then deciding to go for it, and then the letter falling out, you really do keep your readers on a hook, waiting to find out what the gift is and who it is from. I wondered, at one point, if the gift would explode.

Suggestions: I wasn't sure about why Elizabeth, Miriam's neighbour, disliked Liza the cat so much. She kind of scowls at her and watches her while she's climbing the stairs. At first, I thought Liza would turn out to be evil, or even an evil person inside her cat's body. But she wasn't. Which I was happy about. But I just didn't understand why the tension. It isn't explained further at any point, so I wondered whether it was necessary.

Parting comments: This is a lovely, little story that was a pleasure to read. Great characters in Miriam and Liza, and I was so happy with the ending. Even though it was sad. also. But it's really well written.

Happy WDC Account Anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

78

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14 days may be credited.

#4741032

Review of Fur Babies C-Notes - Dogs

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Gaby ~ Just tired

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

This cNote shop is in my favourites, and I've used it more than once before. I was initially drawn to the promise of pictures of dogs. I could spend hours flicking through cute puppy pictures. I have to say, this shop does not disappoint. There are pictures galore! All of them super cute.

I think you've done a great job with providing pictures of a great variety of dog breeds. From collies, to retrievers, to fluffy teddy bear-type dogs, you have it all. I think the fluffy puppy is adorable. Is it some kind of designer dog, like a cockapoo, or something?

My favourite cNote is the first one with the close up of a dog's nose and the words, "What's shakin', Bacon?" That's so funny. This could so easily have been my old dog, Jake. His nose and muzzle looked similar to this. Plus, he was a gannet who ate everything in sight if it wasn't pinned down! One Christmas, he ate an entire bar of the family sized Whole Nut chocolate. We'd figured it was safe while we were out because it hadn't even been unwrapped. But, no. He ate it. And licked the paper clean! How he didn't get ill, I don't know.

I also want to mention the cNote of the golden retriever swimming with the words "Just keep swimming." That cNote is perfect in every way. The picture is great. That dog looks like he is swimming for his country. I love the splash of purple in the background. (I'm aways going to love purple.) I really like the words, both for their message and for how well they fit the picture. I've sent this cNote to friends a few times because I like it so much.

One more thing I love: The picture of a bunch of dogs together with the caption, "Because cats are mean" is very funny.

Suggestions: I've been trying to think of some suggestions, but I'm coming up short, I'm afraid. You have a great selection of pictures and messages. There is a lot of humour in your captions, and anyone who loves dogs will find them funny. Actually, the only thing I could suggest is that maybe switch out "community" from the genres of the shop for "humour." You don't need to say they are community based because, by definition, they are community notes. That's a minor detail, though.

Parting comments: I love this cNote shop. I am keeping it in my favourites, and I will be using it again, for sure.

Choconut

79

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14 days may be credited.

#4740689

Review of Keep Life Simple

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Lone Cypress Workshop

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked: I was drawn to your title and brief description. I was intrigued by your saying that life is complicated, but we can fix this by looking at ourselves.

I am always one for self-reflection, indeed, I've spent a lot of time looking at my reactions to various incidents and trying to figure out how I could have had a better reaction. But, what I was interested to read in your essay, is how firmly you state that philosophy and our own minds are the most effective weapons we possess. I love how you start the essay by acknowledging that life is complicated. But we need to figure out what we can do to make things better, what we have power over. Our minds are the answer.

You write about your beliefs that philosophy should be a compulsory fourth subject in schools. I agree that children need to be able to think for themselves. This changes over the years. Firstly, to listen to themselves when a stranger asks them to get into their car. As time goes on, to be able to stand up for themselves. Then to consider which politicians are less crooked.

How do you define philosophy? If it were taught in schools, how would that take shape? This is an interesting subject. Does it have to begin with age-old philosophers, or is it a constantly changing subject? I never learned anything like this at school. But I did have to lead a debate team once, and it made me research and philosophise a lot more than I ever had before.

Suggestions: Playing devil's advocate ... I understand what you are saying about the importance of philosophy. You say we should learn to analyse people of power, politicians, for example. So that we can know the truth. My question is: Is that enough? Surely, to philosophise and understand how messed up the system is, is all very well. But if we then do nothing about our knowledge, what good is it?

Parting comments: This is a very empowering essay. It makes me think that we could change the world. It reminds me how important it is to trust myself, but only after first questioning myself. I enjoyed reading this. Thank you.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

80

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14 days may be credited.

#4740685

Review of God Says "Goodnight"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked: I was drawn to this poem by your title and brief description.

Your descriptions of colours in this poem about a beautiful sunset are creative and unique. A sunset is largely about the colours, when anyone tries to describe one, but you have used those colours in a fresh way. For example, "When salmon splashes coral streaks." Wow. That is so beautiful. Who can't imagine the picture you are painting? Similarly, "When bloom carnations in the clouds ..." I can honestly say I've never heard that description before. But what a fantastic way to capture the image.

I really like how you bring both of the verses to a close with saying you "hear God wish us all 'Goodnight'" which works as a reminder that He has created the beauty of sunsets for all of us to enjoy. In the first verse, you reflect on how Jesus died to help keep us from fear. You write, "I see in sacrifice the love / which drives away the shadows’ fright" I like this, firstly, because it is a comforting thing to remember, and secondly, because of the use of shadows and light as a juxtaposition. In the second verse, I like the image of "weary souls" breathing "restful sighs." This is another warm and comforting thought. It makes me think of those lazy times when summer is just around the corner, and we sit outside watching the sun as it slowly sets.

Your form of Iambic Tetrameter is first class. I've counted the syllables and the stresses, and it works the whole way through. Personally, I struggle with writing any strict forms, so I always appreciate it when I read poems that are well-written, as well as making me feel something.

Suggestions: My only suggestion is to say, "Write more," because you clearly have a talent for creating beautiful imagery. I could find no faults with your poem.

Parting comments: I absolutely loved reading this poem. Thank you.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

81

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14 days may be credited.

#4740666

Review of Tinkering Dreams

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi SP is Muddling through

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked: Oh, so much of this story! These are some of my favourite points:

Your writing style. There is something, almost, familiar about it, and I quickly relaxed into your writing and the story. You describe the contraptions, automata, that this boy makes. He had previously been working in the factory but is fired for something that wasn't his fault. But, wait. He's been busy making these cool inventions.

On his way to the poor house, he encounters Ashe, an orphaned girl who has clearly learned how to take care of herself. Your name for the street she lives on is 'Knickers' Way' which, I think, speaks volumes about the girl and her occupation. I held my breath while Harold was at this location. I kept thinking someone would attack him and steal his contraptions. But they didn't. I worried needlessly.

The language you use is carefully chosen, and that really appeals to me. For example, the word 'tifter,' as used a couple of times by Ashe, is an interesting one. I had to look it up to find its meaning, but when I did, I could see how perfect a choice it was. I also love how you describe Ashe as 'caterwauling.' That's exactly what she would have done. It's another perfect word choice.

I love how you both begin and end this story with the acknowledgment that being fired from the factory might have been the best thing that ever happened to Harold. This made me smile. The story comes full circle, and Harold is shown to be okay.

Suggestions: The end, when it came, seemed to happen really quickly. I guess it's kind of the same for the beginning. The incident that propels Harold into the world of his creations and making money at the funfair is over quickly. And the end, when Harold determines he will go to the fair, is soon over. It's like the main part of the story is Harold and the fair. But we don't actually see it. This is a very picky point.

A minor punctuation issue. "'Whom was it who gave you permission to dilly dally?' The Barron asked." It should be a small t in "the Baron." Whenever you have a speech tag of any kind, unlesss you are giving a person's name, it should be a small letter after the ending speech mark. Also, in this sentence, it should be "Who" not "Whom."

Parting comments: I loved this story. I really enjoy your style. It is one I could happily read more often. Thank you.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

82

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4740660

Review of The Guiding Light

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi zola

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

You have a real talent for writing descriptively. This isn't simply a short story about the meeting of two people for the first time. It is an exercise in placing your readers inside a setting of your creation. I could feel the cool night air, see the streetlights flickering, feel the darkness of the winter's night. I was there. Great writing!

You had me from the first sentence. The mention of a meeting that will change Alex's life forever, and the question of whether fate will be involved, is a great teaser. It sounds very magical, or mystical. I had to read on to discover what the meeting would involve.

I thought the character of Mark was like a Jesus character, in that he was preaching to his disciple (Alex). He saved Alex, also. You describe him as Alex's "guiding light" which also made Mark feel religious. You may have written Mark like this on purpose, or maybe it is a coincidence. I'm not sure.

There are so many phrasings of yours that I love. " ...shadows danced with the flickering glow of streetlights ..." This creates a beautiful image in my head. You have used it in the first sentence, and it grabs my attention. I also love this description: "Their conversation unfolded like a symphony of revelation." That is so good. I've not read a description like that before.

Suggestions: If I'm honest, I didn't completely see what Mark offered. I think you lost me when you started to discuss mathematics. Personally, I didn't feel that this offered anything to the story. Mark is portrayed as someone influential and charismatic, and that is how I felt about him, until he started to talk about whole numbers and integers. This precision seemed in conflict with his infinite wisdom.

I did spot one typo. In the first sentence, you wrote, "In the labyrinthine streets of the city ..." It should either be "labyrinth" or "labyrinthine."

Parting comments: You have a great talent for creating visual and immersive prose. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

83

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4740652

Review of The Trial

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hi Richard Allen

,

This review was written on behalf of House Targaryen as part of "Game of Thrones" !

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.

What I liked:

The story. I loved the plot. There s a lot going on in this short story. Am I right in thinking it is the first chapter of a longer piece? I am interested to know where you will take this.

I have a lot of questions whirring around my mind. Like, who is the defendant who is kidnapped (saved?) and why are there forces intent on taking him away from the courtroom? Also, why did they need to kill countless numbers of security staff, along with using explosives in neighbouring shops and buildings? That's quite extreme.

While having these questions, I like how you haven't explained too much, You have hinted to the corrupt officials, which will get your reader wanting to know more about that. It's always good to whet your readers' interest this way. The way you describe the bad guys as "beings" interests me. That makes them sound as though they are some kind of alien force. I'm not sure whether that is right or not? But it intrigued me, nonetheless.

Suggestions: Firstly, it would be easier to read this is you spaced out your paragraphs. Having everything bunched together like this makes the text appear dense and hard-going. It would be more appealing to more people if you separated paragraphs. My main suggestion, though, is to use some kind of grammar programme. There are numerous punctuation issues and typos, and that added to the difficulty in reading this. (It wasn't too difficult, I want to add. I did still enjoy it, but I was thrown by the incorrect punctuation a number of times.) I have put some of those instances in a dropnote for your ease.
Grammar Issues/Typos ▼

Just, generally, I would say to explain who people are a bit more clearly. I was confused between Jon and the CO. I don't know where they are from. Who is Monique? Is she good or bad? Keep clear who is speaking, and whose point of view we are seeing the events through. Also, try to make the action less passive. For example, you say that "an arm flew off of his body." I had to re-read a few times to figure out whose body because it reads as though it is Jon's, but you don't show any emotion or pain It would be easier to connect with the characters if we had some emotion.

Parting comments: This is a good story. You have some interesting events taking place, and with the characters, I'm unsure as to who I can trust. Which is a good thing. I just think you need to use a simple grammar programme on your work. That would make the reading experience easier.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

84

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4740448

Review of Lin and Rosie

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi tracker

,

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your short story, "Lin and Rosie"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: I was drawn to this story by the title and brief description. I was interested to read about this friendship and to see where it had gone wrong. I wasn't expecting the story I found. It was different, and in a good way. This is a tale of unrequited love, between Lin and hew new friend, Rosie. Lin seems like a nice person who was, maybe, a bit vulnerable and preyed on by Rosie.

I love how you gradually show your readers how Lin has spent a lot of money buying Rosie the things she wanted. I wanted to shake Lin and shout at her to stop spending her money on Rosie. She obviously was taking advantage of Lin, of her generosity. You did a great job with making me dislike Rosie and feel sorry for Lin. The way Rosie kept using words like "sweetheart" and "honey" really showed how much she manipulated Lin.

I wondered why Lin had broken contact with Rosie. I thought, perhaps, it was because she'd finally seen through her. But, no. Unfortunately, Lin was in love with Rosie (though why, I can't imagine). She couldn't bear to just be her friend, but believes she could never be anything more.

Suggestions: I wasn't sure that Lin would have written to Rosie. Why block all contact with her, then contact her via a letter? It's like Lin was hoping Rosie would contact her outside of their social medias / mobile phones. It just felt a bit odd, to me.

I also have a grammar suggestion. "Her thoughts fantasized what how she would love her." A couple of things. Firstly, "what how" is a typo. I think you need to delete "what." Also, it reads a little odd to say her "thoughts fantasized" because thoughts can't fatasise. It is not the thoughts doing the fantasising. Maybe, if you said, "In her thoughts, she fantasised ..."

The other place would look at is the part where Rosie says a friend of a friend hit on her. It was a bit hard to follow as you jump back and forth between times (a few weeks ago to last week). Also, it confused me because you have Rosie and Lin talking within a memory and also with Lin in the present tense. I like what you are doing here, I just think it needs to be clarified somewhat.

Parting Comments: I am leaving this story with a hope that Lin doesn't connect with Rosie again. Because you can be sure Rosie will contact her when she needs something, a new pair of shoes, or whatever. You've left a strong impression on me. I think I will be thinking of these characters all day.

Happy account anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

85

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4740087

Review of Diamonds, Pearls and Tea

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi L.A.Saxe

,

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your piece of flash fiction, "Diamonds, Pearls and Tea"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember all opinions are solely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: Everything! Every single thing about this short piece of fiction appealed to me. I wasn't sure what to expect when I started reading, but within the first couple of sentences, I was hooked.

I love the way Dotty and her friends keep distracting Inspector Bin and taking his concentration away from the reason he is there. I was wondering where he was heading with the "blue—" that keep getting cut off. It became obvious pretty quickly that these ladies had committed some kind of crime. I thought that would be the reveal at the end, the fact that these older ladies were the criminals, and when that reveal came, I patted myself on the back. But then, when the real twist came, I laughed out loud. I love that the old ladies were really bluebirds, disguised as ladies. That was a stroke of genius. Their unmasking of themselves is perfection.

Suggestions: This is more of a question than a suggestion. I just wondered what made Detective Bin call on the ladies to ask questions? Were they in close proximity to the jewellery store? Or did he have a tip off that they might know something? If that's the case, I thought he would have paid closer attention. Even if he didn't have a tip off about them, he was pretty dire as a detective. It was obvious to me they were hiding something straight away. Even if I didn't guess the fact that they were all giant birds in human costumes!

Parting Comments: This is a very enjoyable flash fiction. The twist is fantastic, and I don't think anyone will guess it when they read this. It's so clever. And very, very funny.

Happy account anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

86

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4739856

Review of Saint Paddy’s Day

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Sumojo

,

I am reviewing your poem, "Saint Paddy’s Day"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. The review comes as Week 13 of "I Write in 2024"

.

Please remember, any opinions are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: Oh, this poem had me smiling. I entered this contest, also, and I had to reach into the depths of my abilities to do so. I am terrible at acrostics. You, on the other hand, are clearly accomplished with the form.

Your opening line, "Shamrock worn, coloured green," hooked me instantly. It's such a fab visual to show your readers what they are about to read. We all associate green with Ireland, so this really works.

Not only does your poem look good on the page, but it also reads really fluidly. And you have obviously done a little research into St. Patrick as well, giving a few facts of the things he did in his life. The most surprising past is is where you say, "Kidnapped from his English home." I never knew that. Aged sixteen, too. I wonder why he ended up as the patron saint of Ireland.

Suggestions: If I were to suggest one place to look at it would be, "And drink and perhaps romance." This line trips me up, and I can't make it work with the overall rhythm of the poem. It feels like it is missing a beat. But that's just a minor issue. There are a couple of other places where I would say the rhythm is a little uneven. Either they have too many syllables, or the stresses aren't quite right. But these don't affect the overall feeling of happiness and celebration.

I enjoyed reading your poem very much. It's so nice to read a good acrostic. I have so much respect for your talent with this one. I know how tricky they are.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

87

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14 days may be credited.

#4739612

Review of No Patience

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi bn skinner

,

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your flash fiction, "No Patience"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember, any opinions ore purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: The lesson you give your readers in this is really good. I think a lot of writers are perfectionists, constantly striving for that perfect story or poem. The question I have is whether you are describing yourself. I was going to ask if this is based on a real experience, but then I realised you most probably did not have a conversation with Father Time.

I like the narrator's voice in this. I have the feeling there is a light humour coming through. Although the story deals with the weighty issue of time running out and wasting it on things that aren't important, the tone is light and matter-of-fact. I like that.

The outcome of the story appeals to me, too. Once we decide that we are good enough, everything falls into place and becomes easier. Good advice. Not always so easy to live by it.

Suggestions: I have a few suggestions for typos and grammatical issues. I'll put them in a dropbox so you can view them, or not, as you wish.

Typos/Grammar/Punctuation Issues ▼

Parting Comments: This is an interesting little tale. I love the message at its heart. We could all use a little reminder that we are enough from time to time. I enjoyed this.

Happy account anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

88

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4739422

Review of My Rainbow Bunny

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi IE

,

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your flash fiction, "My Rainbow Bunny"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember, these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: I enjoyed this whole story. I had a smile on my face all the way through. Your characters of Teegan and his little sister, Chloe, are well drawn out. They seem like any brother and sister do at that age, and their relationship is very real.

When Teegan started to shout at Chloe and make scary Bogeyman noises, I could feel Chloe's fear. I actually thought the story would turn into a horror tale of how this brother did something terrible to his sister. Which, I guess, it did, really. He had nastily destroyed her favourite toy, Rainbow Bunny. Teegan does sound like he might be a little psychopath in the making. He would be a great character to see in further stories.

I love the direction you have taken this prompt. It is creative and original. As I said, I wasn't sure where you were taking us with Teegan's character. I'm still a bit unsure about him. I'd definitely keep an eye on him if I were his mother.

Suggestions: The only suggestion I have (and it is a minor one) is that I found the present tense narration a little hard to follow at times. If you had written it in the past tense, or even from one character's point of view, it would have been easier to get lost in it. For me, at least. That said, I enjoyed the story very much.

Parting Comments: Well, I guess you know that I love this story. I love your characters, and I would love to see another story about Teegan, maybe in ten years time. I think he has the capacity for evil. But if I've got him wrong, I apologise. Great story, fantastic writing.

Happy anniversary!

Choconut

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#4739232

Review of Destiny? Doom!!!

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Rebecca Laffar-Smith

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your poem, "Destiny? Doom!!!"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember, these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: The darkness! I love to read (and write) dark, twisty poetry, and this is a great example of that. I was drawn to this poem when I read your brief description. I wanted to know where you imagined human kind heading, and it was interesting to read that Hades was where you were taking us.

I felt that this poem could have been referring to one person's experiences, and not necessarily to the entire race of human kind. It reads like someone who is in a bad place of there own. They have made some bad choices, followed some misleading paths. The line, "Dining on pain and dreams of tomorrow" could easily be one person's outlook. But, you have it as a more general subject. We, human beings, are often tempted by the darker, less healthy paths because we are always looking for that one something that blows our mind. It also makes me think of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. That apple that Eve plucks from the forbidden tree. One temptation for something they both knew they shouldn't have done. I think the mention of our trajectory being towards Hades, and the idea that that is where humans will end their time and die out, is well sketched out in this poem.

My favourite line is this: "dousing emotion with diamond shards." The idea of how we use alcohol or something else to numb any pain we feel, rather than just feeling it and experiencing life, is poignant. We all do this, don't we? And, maybe, it means we have a little less empathy for others. Maybe.

Your title is a great insight into the poem. You ask your readers to consider whether the events that occur in their lives are destiny, or whether we are, in fact, doomed to fail and mess up in the end. Because we're human. I would hope we learn from experiences, but I know that's not always the case. This line highlights this dilemma really well: "Dining on pain and dreams of tomorrow ..." I really like that.

Suggestions: For most of the poem, your rhythm is smooth and reads fluidly. However, this line could use a minor tweak: "Dissertation dealing in death and disease ..." The word "dissertation" has a meter that doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. I'm not sure it's the right word to use. It makes this line a little uneven in its rhythm. There are a couple of other, minor, places where this is the case.

Parting Comments: I have enjoyed perusing your portfolio, and the poem I have reviewed is really well written. I loved the darkness and the sense of doom I felt by the end. Nice work.

Happy anniversary!

Choconut

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#4739066

Review of Sonnet #1

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Ghelatlishol

,

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your sonnet, "Sonnet #1"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: Firstly, I love to read sonnets. I have a lot of appreciation when I find that people have written one on this website. I tried the other day, and it was not good. They are difficult to get right, but you have done a really good job here.

You have written some beautiful imagery. Your first line is perfection. That image of a "careworn mind" that is contorted from the weight on your worries is a great metaphor. I think most people will probably relate to that to some extent.

I was curious about you choosing to "speak your life." Do you mean through your poetry, you speak about the feelings and experiences you have? Did I interpret that correctly? I like that sentiment.

I like the way you say that you want to experience life, the pleasure and the pain, in all its glory. You aren't a person who can sit on the sidelines and watch as life slowly passes you by. I love that. That is how I like to live my life, too. But it sounds as though you have gone through your share of pain. For example, you say, "Fate keeps man in check; no one can find / Respite from its most tyrannical reign." I love those lines, but they make me feel you have had a rough deal, for whatever reason.

Suggestions: My only suggestion is to just check the rhythm. Try reading the poem out loud to hear how smoothly it reads. The first line is perfect. It is iambic pentameter, and by the end of it, I was reading with that rhythm. But then, the second line doesn't have the same pattern and it doesn't have the same number of syllables. It makes it read a little bumpy, and there are a few other places like that in this poem. Your end-of-line rhymes, however, are perfect.

Parting Comments; I enjoyed reading your sonnet. The imagery is spot-on, but just check over the rhythm. it's a good example of this tricky form.

Happy anniversary!

Choconut

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#4738864

Review of Spunky Old Broads

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Rose Praying for Peace

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your poem, "Spunky Old Broads"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember, these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: The title of this poem grabbed my attention when I first peeked inside your portfolio. I absolutely love it. It brought a huge grin to my face. And that smile didn't leave for the whole time I was reading. I laughed out loud a lot. Your keen observations of how different ageing is for women (and, to a lesser extent, men) today is spot on. I'm at an age now where I can remember my mother being this age, and I thought she was middle aged, getting on. She dressed like an older woman, used hairspray (I loved that part of your poem) and just seemed that much older than I now feel. Of course, it is possible that, to everyone else, I look just as old as she did

I love the beginning of this poem: "Remember the days when their hair was blue? / When they sipped on Sherry" So funny. Anyone over the age of thirty will remember the classic blue rinse. And, sherry? Back to my mum. She almost never drank alcohol, but at Christmas, she was partial to a drop of sherry. Oh, the memories! You have pretty much described my mother in this poem. It's like you knew her!

I also think it is an inspired choice to use a blue font for this. Other colours would not have done it justice. This, too, made me happy.

Suggestions: I guess the only area I would look, if you were to revise it, is the rhythm. There are a few places where it feels a little bumpy. Some places, too many syllables. I think this poem is free verse, so nothing is set in stone, as far as rhythm and rhymes. But, if you checked out the syllables and stresses for every line, it would it read more smoothly. If you were to read it aloud, it might help you to hear the places to which I refer.

Parting Comments: This is a fun poem that succeeded in making me laugh and smile as I read it. It is creative, in terms of the colour, and a precise observation of women once they reach a certain age.

Really enjoyable writing. Happy account anniversary!

Choconut

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#4738437

Review of Slipping into Madness

for entry "A-2: Mirror Writing"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Rhyssa

,

I am reviewing your Mirror Poem, "A-2: Mirror Writing"

, in. affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. My review is part of "Wonderland"

.

Please remember, these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

I read this poem and had to send you a review. I did this task yesterday, and my poem pales in comparison with yours. You clearly got the form and the theme. It works both as a mirror poem, but also as a poem without the reflection.

The way you describe the topsy turvy-ness of Looking Glass World through every verse, through every line, is pure genius. I had a big smile on my face as I read. Literally, the whole way through. I laughed out loud.

I think the biggest laugh came from this line: "I brushed my feet and shoed my head." I love that. Oh, and when I came to, "Every bite that I took filled my plate front to back," the gluttonous part of me badly wanted to go to Looking Glass World.

Your imagination shines through in this piece. It is so creative, and it embodies everything that is Looking Glass World. I think it is exactly what Kiya was looking for when she set this task.

Honestly, I'm envious. I wish I could have created something like this. But, it wasn't to be. Your poem, though, is wonderful. I really enjoyed it.

Choconut

Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .

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#4738431

Review of The Tales of Callah

for entry "Savvy Gets Forgetful"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi amy-Has a great future ahead

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing the first chapter of your novel, "The Tales of Callah"

in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember, these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: I adored the friendship theme that runs through this chapter. Savvy and Perrin as best friends who live and work together, and who are devoted to one another. This is highlighted when Savvy, the Town Wizard, starts to get forgetful and has trouble remembering potions and spells. Savvy fears he will no longer be able to be the Town Wizard. Perrin, his dragon, flies to the snow castle of Sharan, the Dragon King, to ask for his help. His solution surprised me. He turned Perrin into a human so that he would have hands to turn the pages of spell books and to help Savvy with potions. This change was irreversible, Sharan warned Perrin, but the smaller dragon agreed. He gave up who he was and all his magical gifts just so he could save his friend's mind and save his happiness. That's such a great theme.

I wonder where this chapter will lead. Do the remaining chapters highlight other chapters? Or are these two our main characters? It would be interesting to find out. At this point, I'm not sure what path the story will follow. There are a lot of possibilities.

There were some descriptions I thought were fab. For example, "Savvy’s long, pointed hat drooped as he hung his head." There is something about that drooping hat that is really sad. It's a great image. The part that made me laugh out loud was when the potion Savvy gave the mayor to make his tomatoes grow bigger and faster actually turned the the fruit into a bunch of toads. You say the mayor found, "toads hopping gleefully over the dark soil." That's funny.

Suggestions: A few typos/grammar points: "Savvy would forget the words to spells that.t he ..." You have accidentally placed a period, followed by a t, after "that." Also, "'There is nothing you can do, my friend,' he answered, 'It is just the way of things.'" As you have used a capital I in "It," it should be a period after "my friend." Or, if you want it to be a continuation of one sentence, you could change it to a small lower case I. Lastly, " '...people forget things that mean a lot to them,' he said sadly, 'I will ..." "I will" begins a new sentence, so it should be a period after "sadly."

Parting Comments: I have enjoyed reading this chapter. As I mentioned, it will be interesting to know where this story goes. I hope we get to see much more of Savvy and Perrin. These two are wonderful characters.

Thanks for sharing your novel, and Happy Anniversary!

Choconut

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#4737930

Review of An Empty Nester's Christmas Tale

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Sharon

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your poem, "An Empty Nester's Christmas Tale"

in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful. These are purely my opinions.

What I liked: Everything! Oh, my word. This poem really tugged at my heartstrings. You paint such a vivd picture of your Christmases both in the past and more recently. I could feel your empty nest-ness. The emptiness of your home without your children seems so sad, and this poem is a nostalgic reflection of the life you had before.

But whilst you show us how things have changed by describing the smaller tree and the "few colored balls and a string of lights", you end by saying that, actually, Christmas is still a magical time of year.

You moved me with your descriptions of no longer having your parents to share the time with, and how your siblings are spread out across the country. I could really relate to that. My Christmas Day used to be filled with family and friends. Now, it is just my husband and me. It definitely feels a little lonely. Desptite that, I always look forward to feeling the magic of the season. Because, I agree, it is magical.

I have to ask, a red Santa astronaut? I've never heard the like, and I'm going have to look it up online now. It really made me smile. Also, the sled and the pixies in it intrigued me.

Suggestions: Okay. I'm grasping to find anything to suggest, but I'll give this one thing. It's not a huge deal. "with decorative ornaments, each a sweet memory:" While I love the rhyming of "tree" with "memory" (very creative), the line feels like it has one beat too many. "each" is the word that steps out of line a little. If you were to ever rework this poem, I would check out that line. But, as I said, it really is me being picky.

Parting Comments: I love how this poem begins and ends with "the magic of Christmas comes once every year." It works nicely to bookend the poem with this phrase. It reminds us what is at the heart of the poem.

I enjoyed reading your poem very much. Thank you for sharing. Happy anniversary!

Choconut

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#4737195

Review of Angel on the Cape

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi PENsive is Meemaw x 3!

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your short story, "Angel on the Cape"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember, these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is one so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: Oh, you have me really confused. The whole way through, I thought I was reading about an account of something that really happened to you. Then, at the end, when you discovered there really was no one called Norma working at the helpline, it appeared to be a fictional story. Or is it? I just don't know. I mean, surely, you can't have really spoken with an angel? No. It's fictional. I think. Aargghh! This is where you have my mind at the moment.

I love the story. The sentiment behind it, that there are angels out there. Not necessarily in true angelic form, often in human form. And if we ask for help, often, there are people who will listen and try to help. That's a really comforting message, and it made me feel warm and happy while I read it. I think we all need to be reminded, sometimes, that there are people who want to help.

I really like the ending. The contents of the bag hung on the door for Donna to find are so nice. The Victorian angel was a lovely touch. You see? That's one of the details that made this story seem real. It's a wonderful ending, though. To have had Mary and Michele thank Donna for being their angel. It makes me think we can all be angels for someone. And that's something that sounds good to me. It's just occurred to me, while writing this review, that Norma was probably Donna's mother in angel form. That's why the woman on trephine had the same name as her. I can't believe I didn't notice that until now.

Suggestions: My suggestions are all grammar/typo related. I've put them in a dropbox for you.
Grammar/Typo Suggestions ▼

Parting Comments: This is a lovely, little story. The message can bring warmth to your readers' hearts. It reminds us that we aren't alone, even when we feel like we are, and the is something I think we all need to be reminded of from time to time. Thank you.

Happy anniversary!

Choconut

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#4737007

Review of Feminism

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Mandy Writes

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your poem, "Feminism"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember that these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: The title drew me to this poem when I peeked into your portfolio. I was interested to read your thoughts on feminism. And then, the first paragraph appeared, and I absolutely loved it. Saying you don't walk around wearing your uterus like a hat made me smile. What a great way to say you don't go around shouting your opinions and trying to force them onto others. you're not edgy about the topic. But, you add, you are proud to be a woman. I feel exactly the same way. I love being a woman, and I am proud of who I am, but I don't try to force it on others.

I like how you discuss feminism at different time periods. First, you mention people of your mother's generation who lit the feminism fie and acted to make people listen and to give them a chance to become equals with men. To those women, we owe a huge debt. You speak of pride for your daughters, who stand with us, a little taller, maybe, continuing the work that women before them have done. And, lastly, you are proud of yourself for believing in yourself. I love those final two lines: "for finally believing / that we ALL deserve better." I love that! I couldn't agree more.

Suggestions: I love how you link all the groups and generations of women and show your readers how everyone plays their part. I wasn't sure about the third verse, though. I didn't understand what you meant by saying your are proud pf your sisters, "for leaving normal / in the dust." I wondered if "leaving" is maybe a typo, and it should be "living"? Although, it still doesn't really make sense to me. I would take a look at that part if you were to revise this.

Parting Comments: This is a really great poem that speaks to me, as a woman. I really like the self car and self love you show through your words. That good to read.

I have enjoyed reading and reviewing your poem. Happy anniversary!

Choconut

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#4736827

Review of Our Ritual of Spring

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi willow

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your short piece, "Our Ritual of Spring"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember, these opinions are solely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked: Firstly, I want to say I love the springtime. Spring is my favourite season, and mushrooming is one of the things I love to do. So I was interested as soon as I saw this title in your portfolio.

I love the way you set the scene of the dark, slightly damp woods where morel mushrooms are hiding, waiting to be picked by you. I love your image of the daffodils peeking through the soil. Daffodils are a sure sign that spring is on the horizon. The "crispness" you describe in the air pulls your reader right inside the woods. It made me think instantly of the place I love to walk which is in the middle of a wood. It has that dark, dank feeling. But, also, a touch of magic.

I found the part about your friend Sheila's daughters moving. It is nice that they got to share this special experience with you. It's a lovely tribute to your friend. I also found it really nice to read about how special your time hunting for morel mushrooms is for you and your family. It sounds like a great way to spend quality time together.

Suggestions: There is a typo here. You have put the period outside of the quotation marks. "'I found one'." Similarly, here you put the exclamation mark outisde of the quotation marks: "'his is better than hunting Easter eggs'!" The end punctuation before you close the speech with speech marks should always be inside the quote marks.

You have some sentences in here which are incomplete, fragments. For example, your first sentence needs something added to it to make it complete. "Around mid March to early April, after the daffodils peep through the soil and the daytime sun warms the woodland floor." The next sentence reads as though it is the second part of the first sentence: "There are patches of mayapples standing tall, looking like toadstools from afar." I would change the period to a comma and and make this one sentence. There are a couple of other places like this, so I would just check them out if I were you.

Parting Comments: This is a lovely portrait of a special family time you enjoy every year. I hope you are still hunting for morel mushrooms. It must be around the right time of year to do that now, mustn't it?

Thanks for sharing this beautiful memory. Happy anniversary!

Choconut

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98

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#4736621

Review of Angel in Wonderland

for entry "Identity Crisis - Who Are You?"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Dear Amethyst Angel🌸📝🪽

I am reviewing your story, "Identity Crisis - Who Are You?"

, for Week 11 of "I Write in 2024"

. My review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these are only my own opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

Oh my. This is very enjoyable. I think I had a smile on my face from the very beginning until the cute-filled ending. I could relate so much to Angie. I know I would be lured away just as surely by the aroma of the sweet Heaven of Candy Land. And I'm not even going to be ashamed to say it. Honestly, I'm a bit hungry after reading this. The fudge brownie plants need to be invented!

The moment I read your opening paragraph, these words grabbed my attention: "The cobbled path had spongy green moss growing on it, and tiny pink wildflowers were sprouting through the cracks." Instantly, you put your readers in a magical land. And, boy, what magic! I laughed when Fluffy got lured away by the scent of peanut butter puppy treats. My old dog, Alfie, would have taken off at breakneck speed to find those treats. I laughed even more when Angie smelled her own delicious treats and followed her nose.

I love the relationship between Angie and Fluffy. It seems as though Fluffy is a huge help to Angie. I liked the way Fluffy consoled Angie at the end. That was a nice role reversal. And, while I'm speaking about the end, my heart just about turned to warm, liquid chocolate when Fluffy snuggled up on Angie's lap. Fluffy is adorable.

This story brought so many laughs. Fluffy snoring after eating too many treats is so cute. I had a black Labrador who snored very loudly! It's a funny thing.

I have a question, and it doesn't affect how much I loved the story, but I am curious: What is pea gravel?

I also have one suggestion. When you write dialogue and end the dialogue with an exclamation mark or a question mark, if you're using a speech tag, you don't capitalise the first word after the quotation mark (unless it is a person's name). So, for example, you have written, "'I can't eat another bite!' She said with a sigh." should be "'I can't eat another bite!' she said with a sigh."

I just want to say how clever you are to have continued a story with this prompt. I haven't checked in your book, but I'm guessing all your entries will fit together. That's so cool. I wanted to do that, but I just couldn't figure out how.

This is a really great story that is funny and adorable with a generous helping of cuteness.

Rachel

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#4736260

Review of Carly's Guestbook

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi 💙 Carly

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am reviewing your guest book, "Carly's Guestbook"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

.

Please remember these are purely my own opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole purpose of being helpful.

What I liked: The picture of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet at the top of your guest book page drew me in straight away. I am a big fan of Pooh and friends, so seeing this made me very happy. I am sure anyone who saw this would be drawn to your guest book.

I think a guest book is a great way to get to know our fellow writers, and your book is no exception to that. Your introduction is both informative and interesting. However, I think it was probably written a few years ago, and it would be great to read an up-to-date version. To learn about Carly the Moderator who has been writing for many years. I like how the items you have chosen to highlight are laid out. They are clear and enticing. I particularly like how you have noted your favourite item.

I can see a few people have stopped by your guest book and left you a note recently. It would be lovely if more could pay you a visit now that your anniversary is approaching.

Suggestions: Under the heading "Some Of My Favourite Places" you have linked an item. I assume this is to an item in someone else's portfolio. However, it shows as an invalid item, so I guess they have probably deleted it. Maybe change that for an activity or contest you like to participate in now.

The other thing (which is a tiny detail) is that your introduction to yourself is not as eye catching as it could be. You have something interesting to say, and you are, in effect, selling yourself and your portfolio, so I would give it some colour, maybe change the font, make it bigger. Something that grabs your reader the moment they click on this item.

Parting Comments: Thanking for sharing some of yourself in this guest book. I have thoroughly enjoyed my visit.

Happy anniversary!

Choconut

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#4736040

Review of For a Soldier, For a Friend

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Starr

HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"

I am writing this review of your poem, "For a Soldier, For a Friend"

, in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. It comes with a bunch of warm anniversary wishes.

What I liked: The sentiment. This is a wonderful tribute to someone who has chosen to risk their lives so others may live. I like how you point out the danger he puts himself in for us and for others who may be many miles away. Your love and appreciation for your friend shines through. It's a joy to read.

These lines remind us how tough his day-to-day life in the armed forces must be like, and also the reasons why he chose to do it: "He saw a lot of horror / to fight for these ideals." You then continue to explain some of those ideals. That we are all born equal and have the right to freedom. I think this is possibly even more relatable today. Freedom seems to fast be disappearing, and we are most definitely not all born equal. At least, not in social background. Even though we should all have freedom as a birthright. Even though no one has the right to claim themselves better than anyone else.

I absolutely love your last line: "For a Soldier, For a friend." That reminds us of your close connection to this man. It makes him more real in a way. The line where you say you pray he won't die is poignant. Again, you make your readers think about what he does and how it affects his family and friends.

Suggestions: I like the abcb rhyme scheme that runs throughout the poem. However, in your third stanza, you have rhymed "win" with "friends." I've tried to make it fit, but I can't. It stands out a bit. My other suggestion is to watch your meter. I know there is no set meter, but to make it flow smoothly, it's good to use a fairly even meter. So, lines like, " The words "thank you" just don't seem enough" are a little bumpy. In this case, you could fix it by taking out the word "just", which is a filler word, anyway. It wouldn't change the meaning at all, but it would make it smoother. Similarly, "Homeward will he be bound." This doesn't flow naturally when you say it out loud. "Homeward," I think, is the reason. The stresses aren't right.

Parting Comments:
Thanks for sharing your poem. It is a great tribute to your soldier friend. I note you wrote this a while ago, so I hope your friend remains safe.

Happy WDC anniversary!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .