Squirrels celebrate Mother's Day? I love this site, I learn something new every day.
This is a cute "slice-of-life" story. T eh fact that it is antrophomorphic is really beside the point. It was a nice read and a good length. You might briefly explain what the contest limits and rules were.
There are a couple of places where I can see a minor change might make the piece a little stronger.
First - I thought digging up acorns and burring them was what squirrels do. Why should this worry Skip's parents?
Second - the sentence "A few days later was Sunday, Mother’s Day." seems awkward. Maybe "The next Sunday was Mother's Day."
Last - This line also seemed odd. "There in the center of her paw lay an unusual acorn." I think it;s the "center of her paw" part. Acorns are much bigger than a squirrel's paw. Just "in her paws"
That;s my two cents worth, ignore ti as you wish. Keep writing.
There is a thoughtful and somewhat wistful feel to this. The idea that nature is a cycle is hardly original, but then it is not the poet's job to be original. The poet's job is to show some new aspect of something already in plain sight. You did a good job with that.
I have only a couple of suggestions.
Twice you have your snowflakes talk. That may be taking the whole personification thing too far. Why not just let the last snowflake sense the welcome and the demise? It just seems more natural to me. After all, what would snowflakes talk about anyhow?
Second - It is striking with the three line verses. why not add one more line and split the one five live verse?
Of course I don't know the rules of the contest so maybe my suggestions are wrong. If so, just ignore them.
Telling a story in 36 lines isn't easy. Having to make the lines rhyme is even harder. You did both. It is a clever story and the ending motto, while likely true, does come as a bit of a shock.
Since I am reviewing I do feel obligated go offer a few suggestions, you are free to ignore them as you wish.
First - I generally read a poem aloud when I am reviwing. This one reads a bit on the bumpy side. Partly that is due to your word choice and partly it is due to a rough meter (for example, the syllable count of the lines in the first two quatrains is 10, 10, 9, 10 and 11, 10, 10, 10) That is just enough to throw it off
Word choice is sometimes a sensitive subject but I'll offer a couple of them anyway.
Verse five Maybe "her mom warned he might be in a hurry." That has the added advantage of getting ten syllables into the line.
Last verse, change "gonna" to "will" and again you have the ten syllables.
I think you get the general idea. Revise it and I'll be glad to re-read it. Keep writing.
I'll admit right up front that this is a hard one for me to review. I am not a fisherman so many of the terms you use are meaningless to me. (Shallow runners? jig heads? )
Therefore, what I can do is see how close you came to getting the effect of the original. When I do that I can make a couple of suggestions. First I tried singing it aloud.
There were a cpuple of places where you put in an extra syllable. The eighth day has an extra. (It's eight maids a milking or five syllables, you use six syllables.) A more serious one is the fifth day. It is the only verse sung differently and it has four syllables (five golden rings) while you use five syllables (five top water plugs).
I could offer "eight diving crank baits" and "five water plugs" which would fit the rhythm, but I don't know if I'm using the same thing.
At any rate, it was a good effort, I know because I wrote one about growing old last year, and it isn't easy to come up with twelve things, and keep a rhythm going. Keep writing.
Wow,, talk about extremes. This is a type of poem I like. It uses recurring images and repeats words. (See my own port for numerous examples of my own.)
Clearly the effect yo were after is present, the appearance/reality question in yet another form. (IS anything ever what it appears to be?) (Yes, this review for example.) You also leave it unclear (a good thing) just who is perceiving what.
I do have a few suggestions and questions.
A question first - Why no puntuation? I am not against it when it helps the effect, but I don't see it adding anything here. The whole reason for puncuation is to help the writer guide the reader thriugh the work. Why not take advantage of that?
Mechanical suggestions:
Since line one does not use the word "are" don't use it in the first line of verse three either. (or add it to line one, but I think it si better without it.)
I'd try to keep the pattern as much as possible. FOr example, to mirror line two the second line of verse three should be something like "Shed tears of blazing fire." and so on....
I'd also drop the word "as" from lines three and four and five as well as for the third and fifth line of verse three.
Well,, that's my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
Very nicely expressed. I like in particular the image of rain as the new purifier. You d raw some very effective word pictures too.
However, I do have a couple of questions and maybe a suggestion or two.
What makes this a poem? I have nothing against free verse. I 've used it often myself, but just what is gained by putting your thoughts in this form rather than an essay? I suppose in an essay you would have had to use a lot more punctuation but that wouldn't hurt here either. I also have nothing against not using puntuation, when appropriate. still, puncuation is th way an author guides a reader through the writing. Why not use it?
By now you think I must hate this and am just ripping you. Wrong. I don't even review pieces that show no promise. Yours does. The questions are not pointing out flaws, they are just asking why.
One suggestion, I think your last line should mirror your first line. It brings a sense of closure. Maybe like this:
"The rain will not dampen my spirit. I begin my life again, for the first time today."
I did like this. Welcome to writing.com and keep writing.
This was a little difficult for me to get into on my first (and second) reading. I tried reading it aloud but that still didn't let me see the spine. Maybe because the two verses seem to be in opposition to one another. In the first you seem to say, and this is a paraphrase, "if it is a question of having you or winning something I pick you." In the second, and again a paraphrase, "If I lose there is nothing left."
Now if I have those right, they do conflict with each other. That is not to say the poem has no value. It is nicely assonic and your word choice is good. (I might suggest replacing "alone" in verse two with "scattered" or "splattered')
Finally I do have a couple of questions; What do you gain by not using puncuation? It is the author's way to lead that reader.
Second - while "Happily hideous"is a nice phrase it was the one line I couldn't make work. What were you after?
This turned into more of a commentary than a review, but It's all I have. Keep writing.
Am interesting look at how an old relationship. I was not sure at first just what I was reading since it is likely lifted from a longer work. Still, it didn't take but a couple of verses and I knew what was going on.
I like repeating words and lines, and you do some of both here. One suggestion might be to end each verse (except maybe the last) with the same word. It would give a sense of internal order.
The fourth verse is the hardest for me to understand. Are you dealing with the original Love Story or a newer version you have created? The fourth verse seems t argue for the new version.
I have no natural dislike of poetry with no punctuation, but in this case I think a little would have helped. After all, punctuation is the way a reader is led by an author, and a bit of leading wouldn't have hurt.
I see that most of what I've written is rather general. That's not a bad thing. It means I find it hard to suggest improvements and that I like what you have done. Keep writing.
I like the way you kept it to rhymed cuplets and I wish you had gone all the way and worked on meter too. That is, trying to fit in a pattern of syllables.
Other than the proofing, which I assume others have tol you about (if not just drop me an email and I'll give it another look and point out the usage errors.)
Question - in he last verse did you mean "worked" or "walked?" It is unusual to consider a workman and honored guest.
Suggestion - Add two more lines to the second verse. There is still a lot to say and no reason to make one verse shorter than the other two.
The singles scene is one I'm glad I mostly missed. I met my future wife the day before classes started at college and we married the day before graduation four years later. Neither of us dated anyone else at college during the four years.
That said, I did enjoy reading this, not because it brought back memories, but because it shows me at least a glance at the "other" side. Cars full of gals seem to be pretty much like cars full of guys. Several conversations going at once, talking over each other, and talking about the opposite sex a lot. (a whole lot)
Since you have already won a 4th place with this there seems little reason to review it, but maybe we can find out why you didn't place higher. Remember, the following is just my opinion and you may ignore as much or as little of it as you please.
Comma in line one after "alone"
Comma before "but" in second paragraph
Enough with the commas,, you miss a few other too, but let's look someplace else.
It is common to change paragraphs when you change speakers. It also makes it easier to know who is talking.
Paragraph 8 needs the word "more" before "bizarre"
Paragraph 9, first sentence very awkward. (In fact the whole paragraph could use an edit and rewrite.)
I don't know that those things would have let you place higher, but there couldn't have hurt.
Still, as I said, this was both a good and an intersting read. Keep writing.
Ah, another member, welcome to the club. One thing to set your mind at ease a little, Oklahoma is not really subject to hurricanes. Oh, it will get rain from them, but not the wind. Tornadoes are another matter. My wife grew up in Oklahoma (Altus) and she remembers having to go to the storm cellar on several occasions.
My own luck has been such that I have been through one hurricane and two tornadoes. The last tornado was about 15 years ago and I sill remember the dog trying to get on my lap, even though I was standing. Afterwards, I mostly remember the pink insulation spread out everywhere outside.
Well, enough about my experiences, let's take a look at your piece.
It's good, it reads well and feels very natural, and the sentnece fragments, in this case, really add to the piece. Still, there are a couple of suggestions I can make.
In the fifth paragraph the last "it" has a very unclear antecedent. It seems to refer to the conversation or the coffee but that makes no sense. You must want it to refer to the changing sky. I'd just say that: "I really wasn't paying much attention to the sky."
In the ninth paragraph I'd add "had" after "huge tree on the side of the house."
That is being picky so I'll stop. This was a good read, keep writing.
A very clever title since magnitude is the word scientists use to refer to the brightness of stars. The word picture you draw I have seen while camping in New Mexico. At night it got very dark and there were far more stars than I can see here in Ohio. What is more, the milky Way itself was a clearly visible ribbon. Wonderful nights.
As to the poem as a poem I could wish you mmight tighten up the meter (rhythm) of the piece. I like to read poems aloud before reviwing them and this one is a bit bumpy. You vary the lines too much. I mean that you have from 9 to 14 sylables per line. A consistent pattern works better.
On the other hand your use of rhyme is good. English is a rhyme poor language yet you found two sets of four rhymes. The grey stars do cause a problem but I can't think of any other color either. (Did you know there are no rhymes for orange or purple?)
One last thing, I'm not sure I get the "fine royalty and might." In what respect are stars royal? The line might be better without the royal aspect, like this; "All assembled with great power and with great might."
Feel free to ignore what I've written, it is just one man's opinion. And I did like the poem.
What a nice poem. I didn't realize there was no Australian equivalent. It actually started with Abraham Lincoln who set aside the last Thursday in November as a day of gratitude. (Where is Lincoln when we need him?) Somehow, it just sort of stuck. As your poem points out, it is a day families get together, sometimes for the only time during the year. The food, espesally turkey (and ham is growing in popularity too) is traditional. Other, more modern concepts have attached themselves to the holiday. Football is on TV from one place or another most of the day. In the mornings several big cities have major parades. Finally, the day after Thanksgiving has become the single biggest shopping day of the year.
As to your poem, since this is a review, well, I do have a few suggestions.
First - Your rhymes are okay, but sometimes you really puss the meter (rhythem) of the piece. Take a look, in particular at the last two verses.
Second - This line:
"Some stuffing and brown gravy and mashed potatoes ~sweet."
is awkward, maybe try.
"Stuffing and brown gravy with potatoes mashed or sweet"
Last - You might consiider dropping the "oh" from the last line of verse 4. It reads smoother without it. In fact, read it aloud and you may find several other words you could omit.
OK, a love poem about finding peace, love & understanding. Two out of three isn't bad. Now wait, hear me out.
First of all you have writen a good rhyming poem, not really an easy thing to do. English is a rhyme poor language after all. I might wish you spend some time on meter (rhythem) since when I read it aloud it didn't flow off my tounge.
The love part is easy to see, and even the peace, but I do not find anything which leads me to conclude that they (the prince & the lady) understand what is happening to them. Now that really isn't fair because we can only view our lives in the past, and looking back often shows us something we never even suspected while it was happening.
Just a couple of suggestions ;
First - the second line of verse two is very awkward Maybe "Of wondrous and magical creatures who cheat death?"
Second - the second line of verse three is also awkward, but easier to fix. "Upon his noble horse, in a slow and ambling gate."
That's about it, keep writing. I'll be glad to look at an edited version and rerate it.
It is a little hard to get a grip on this. I think I see what you are trying to do, but the 2nd verse comparing ladies to mighty ships may not be the best way to flatter them.
I see that you have a loving wife and that she loves you. I suspect that is what most readers will get from this piece.
Just a couple of suggestions which may make the piece stronger -
First - a minor rearrangement The last two lines of verse one could be switched, like this
" A deep unwavering concern for my health and well-being.
A triumphant legacy of love "
I think it reads better that way.
Second, in verse two put a comma after "love" in line three.
Minor suggestions, ignore them as yu wish. Keep writing.
What a nice story. It shows that here are good, decent people in the world, but it does so without being the least bit preachy. It is good to be reminded every so often that not everyone in the world is self centered and greedy.
There are only a few things I can suggest here, and they are all on the picky side. Still, this is a review so:
Comma after "finance" in line one.
Also one after "nonstop" in the last line of paragraph one.
I'd suggest a short paragraph after your eights paragraph to cover the transaction itself.
In paragraph 15 you need a comma in sentence two before "but."
The first part in paragraph sixteen is awkward as worded. Maybe "as Janice was sterilizing the combs before her next client arrived, Nora, the new girl, asked---"
I googled "funny bone" but they didn't tell me who coined the phrase. Sorry. I know, second hand, about living with constant pain. The wife of a good friend has MS and is in pain all the time. She has a pain doctor who has tought her methods of coping.
I can only imagine what you are going through. well, maybe a little more than imagine, since I have Parkinson's and have to live with a constant tremor. You think you have trouble typing? I'lll leabve thhios sentenccds un=ediited. It takes me longer to edit that to write in the first place. I only tell yu this so you know (which of course you really do) that you are not alone.
A couple of suggestions to make your story tighter.
In the second paragraph use "a bone" and "a nerve" & "The ulnar," since that reads more universally.
In the third paragraph try "This is a fancy way of saying the ulnar nerves in both my arms are compressed---" It is a bit clearer.
Last - In the 2nd sentence of the third paragraph insert the words "or even my" before "entire."
That is my two cents worth, ignore it as you wish. Keep writing.
A good beginning of what you say will be a series. OK, I'm willing to read a couple more at least. This is mostly introducing the main characters (including Susan who I doubt we've seen the last of) and setting a sort of scene.
In fact that is one place where a little more time would be good. Where are they? City? Country? Suburban? And even when are they? When was Sassy adapted? How old is she? A bit more background in he early stories saves lots of background in the later ones.
A couple of other things. In the first paragraph you use "suited to a tee." I looked it up before making this note. It is more correctly "suited to a T."
Same paragraph "or there was a sudden loud noise" is better than the passive voice "a sudden loud noise was heard."
A story with an ambiguous ending, and a pretty good one too. You do make Cletus a rather obnoxious man, not one I'd kill maybe, but definitely one I would avoid.
I do have a couple of suggestions which you are, of course, free to ignore as you wish.
First - In the early part of the story you tell us Cletus never went hunting, but then he turns out to have a favorite spot, and knows there is a buck down the ravine. I'd take out the part about him never hunting and say someting like, "He was good, but he spent more time in the bar bragging than he did actually hunting."
Second - This one is a grammar thing. You could use a few more commas. Just looking at the second paragraph you needed one after 'hunting" in line one, one after "He said all that" (but not one really after "face") Also both times you use a dash (-) it should be a comma.
That may be picky, but commas are cheap, invest in a few more. Keep writing.
A good poem can cause us to feel things without those things actually being expressed. You do that in this poem. It is erotic without needing the +18 rating. The images it raises are likely different for each reader, but universal in the bigger sense.
Still, since this is a review I do have a couple of suggestions which may make the poem stronger. Feel free to ignore them as you wish.
First - In line six I think "refused" may be a better word than denied."
Second - The last line of the third verse seems strained. Like you went for the rhyme rather than keeping to the topic.. Maybe just a reword:
Recall the stars to mind
Your nose with subtle wrinkles
Your smile matching mine
Just a thought.
Third - and last - The sixth verse has an ending which is somehow out of context. The whole poem, up to that point, has been a mutual flirtation. Suddenly bringing in a "broken will" works against that. I might suggest something like:
Inhibition now broken
That seems more in the flow of the topic.
All in all a good poem. I;m glad I read it. Keep writing.
Your rhyming is intermittent, but except for the last rhyme it does not seem forced.
Your meter needs work. In fact it is where I'd suggest you start. Count the number of syllables in each line. (9.10,5,5,5,5,7,5,5,6,5,6,5,7 to save you the trouble.) Is there a pattern there? Meter is important in poetry, except for free verse, and I don't want to go there. Try to use a consistent pattern and usually each verse has the same one.
Content - Not too bad. Just about everything on Love has already been said. The trick for the poet is to say it again, but in a new way. You compare love to finding a new star which then burns out, but there are other stars waiting to be discovered. Valid, and I don't think I've read that exact interpretation before.
Execution of content - Here I have to find fault. Your ending is weak. Are you sorry your love is gone? (Now I lay frigid, Alone?" ) Are you in the market for another relationship? ("--New stars wail need finding." ) It isn't helped by the awkward rhyme you attain by convolution the last line.
Maybe try:
"Now I lay frigid,
Not really minding.
Night shows other stars,
In need of finding."
That cleans up the meter, the rhyme, and adds the puntuation.
Now don't take this review as just a rip. I don't do reviews of stuff that doesn't have a future. Work on this and it will be much better. I'll be glad to take a look at it when you have done a good edit. Keep writing.
This is clearly a poem written for fun. A poem not to be taken too seriously, but one which may make the children laugh. It is not a poem too be used in a poetry class where it would be discussed and dissected. It falls int the category called light verse.
That being said I will only offer suggestions to make it more fun, rather than do a deep review.
I think the single thing that would improve this would be a consistent meter. I always try to read poems aloud before reviewing them.. (or posting them) This poem starts with a rhythm but the third line brings that pattern to a halt. One better pattern for the line would be "Haunted houses are not fairy tales," And so on.
Count the number of syllables in each line and try to get each verse to have the same pattern. Your third verse is the one closest to having a solid meter.
Oh, I'm doing more picking than a light poem needs. This is a fun read as it is, I just think it could be even better. Keep writing.
I love stories that start with the equivalent of "It was a dark and stormy night." You do a fine job of maintaining the proper mood (maybe with one exception I'll get to later. Your vocabulary uses lots of, well--- for lack of a better term I'll ca;; them horror words. (phantom, graveyard, demon, vengeance, cemetery et c.)
Still, there are a couple of things which I think might make the poem stronger. Of course you may feel free to ignore my suggestions, it's your poem after all.
First - I always read a poem aloud before I review it. (or post it) Yours has a very uneven meter. Now maybe that was intentional, but I think it would be more effective smoothed out.
Second - This relates to content. I am not sure who the phantom is after. Your last verse says both "Don't be afraid" and Run for your life." Which is it?
Last - I don't understand the last line of the forth verse. "costumes seeking justice?"
Still, a good Halloween poem, in both mood and meaning. Keep writing.
What neat way to tell your story. I always like my horror with the gory parts left to my imagination. To much today writers and filmmakers use gore in place of horror. They gross you out rather than frighten you. You avoided that very well.
I found no problems with the shifting point of view, though I might have liked some idea of what happened to Anna.
The biggest problem, no, it's not really a problem, just a style thing, is that you tend to overwrite. By that I mostly mean you use big words or too many word when small ones and fewer, are all you need.
Let's just look at your second sentence as an example. It could be combined with the first to produce "He didn't know it was his last Halloween as he carried the box of toys down to the cellar."
See, the same info, but shorter and more to the point.
Now don't make the mistake of thinking longer is better in a mood piece. That is just not true. Atmosphere does not depend on length. You best horror line is a very simple one, "The white phone in his hand had now turned red." Simple words, and short.
I don't know if you get my point, but I would be glad to read this again after you give it a solid edit. Keep writing.
If the assignment was exactly 300 words, then a couple of my suggestions may involve a little other tinkering on your part. That is, assuming you take the suggestions, and of course you are hardly obligated to do that.
A nice, tight piece of writing. It is both a horror and a kind of love story at the same time. In fact, I wish you had more than 300 words to tell it.
Oh well, on to the suggestions. Most of them involve word choise and mechanics.
You do not need a comma after "vampire" in the first sentence.
The comma after "night" in sentence two is not needed, not the one after "party" in sentence three.
The last two commas in the second paragraph are unnecessary. (I'm starting to see a pattern here)
I wonder about the word "gothic" to describe someone. I know goth is a style. but it usually refers to kids who where black and use make up to make themselves look strange. Maybe "foreign" would be a better word.
The fourth sentence in the third paragraph is very oddly worded. (and the comma after "stained" isn't needed.
"Leering" in paragraph four may not be what you are after. I'd try "compelling" myself.
In paragraph five the first sentence needs no commas and should start "He stood and approached me---." The second sentence is a fragment, and no comma is needed after "myself."
In the sixth paragraph "succumbed" would read better as succumbing."
That's all I've got. As I said, ignore them as you wish. Keep writing.
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