*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rmcgee/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: ON
420 Public Reviews Given
424 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Mostly just bitchin'. If it's great writing I switch over to nit-picking but usually I'll find something to like. Please don't ask me to review poetry unless you're either James Fenton, Seamus Heaney or thick skinned as an elephant... I absolutely hate bad poetry. I'm the terror of the dactyls, I swat them with my hat. I'll have no truck with trochees, coz life's too short for that. Seriously I'm not qualified. I mean a metre is made up of feet? Like what?
I'm good at...
Nit picking. Spotting big fat slabs of exposition pretending to be dialogue. Fighting my way out of paper bags.
Least Favorite Genres
Anything that might be expected to rhyme or scan but doesn't.
Favorite Item Types
Personal preference is narrative fiction.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- 4 5 6 7 8 ... Next
51
51
for entry "The Queen of Lowtown" 
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Immediately we plunge into high stakes conflict. There's a bit of world building but what do you know? We could have skipped that prologue because it turns out we don't need to know any of that to understand the focal characters immediate problem which is fighting a badass dragon. Ok, it seems the focal char is a dragon but one paragraph of internal dialogue would cover that.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
52
52
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I don't really understand the chronology in this setup.

There seem (as far as i can tell) to be at least 4 timeframes here.

dragon kind has risen to pre-eminence.
This is presumably the current situation?

For nearly 3,000 years, the Holy Knights of Nod...
This is the oldest timeframe?

The Armani Troll invasion of 300 years ago...
another time frame...

Through all of dragonkind's ups and downs, the great city of...
Ok, how long ago did the dragons rise up? I thought it was recently but thus suggests not.

Presumably the dragons are badass? I'm confused and i have no investment. If i picked this off the shelf i would put it down again.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
53
53
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: E | (4.0)
Reasonable first chapter. but i didn't think the first para worked. After plodding through the geometric description i had no idea what kind of a house it was and i suspect i don't care. if i look at a house I tend to think that looks old and draughty, or gee a new build i bet it's got wifi or wow i could really bring on my Hibiscus sabdariffa in that conservatory.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
54
54
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is well written and the premise has an interesting conflict but...

I'm not convinced about how the narrative is presented. william lives a perfect happy life until para 6 or 7 or so. That may be how the fabula goes but as a narrative it suffers from nothing happening. Eventually we get to the dark secret of Dolby farm but if i picked up a book that started like this i wouldn't read past para 2.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
55
55
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
there's interesting stuff here. The paragraph 'did you know grumpy old men can fix anything?' is a particular gem and the memories of Mr Wasserman also has poignancy. Compared with these sections I found the start a little slow but overall i enjoyed reading it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Certainly provocative. Not really sure how to rate it. Spelling and grammar are fine allowing for idiom, and there's certainly a strong voice and an idea clearly communicated. Is it a poem? Is it a song? Is it what Mr Trump hums to himself at night when he lays his head on his pillow at night? Probably we shall never know...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
57
57
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+
Interesting. Context is done quick n easy and after that it along pretty smooth. but...

A few irritations. Minor things... It might be an idea not to use the word game 4 times in the first 40 words. Plus OK, the field is run down but describing it as abandoned when there's kids playing on it is just jarring.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
58
58
for entry "Scene 01 _ Prologue" 
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+
An engaging first line quickly unfolds into an interesting premise. The voice is distinctive and, I can't put my mind to the right word so I'll have to say, curiously confidential. I'm interested to see whether and how the author sustains things.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
59
59
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: E | (4.0)
Some decent plot here some minor conflict is established early on and escalates into a dramatic finale. But...

I had some issues. about halfway through the scene stuff just seemed to start happening randomly. Reading on it turns out to be a demonstration of magical power. Maybe that was trailed somewhere but if so I'd missed it or forgotten, so i was lost.

At the end 'the delegate' comes to the fore and has some dialogue but if he's important, the leader, he should have had an intro. If he has it's buried.

I thought there was also some unclear staging. If the arrow comes in from outside why bother with the delegation at all?

And a few clunky lines. 'Each person at the table began to flee' really? There's no simpler wording like The nobles dived for cover?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
60
60
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: E | (4.0)
Some decent writing here. The setup has conflict, a boy whose lost his mother and a stained father-son relationship. After that we get a meeting with a strange figure whose intentions are unknown and then things close with strangers breaking into the house.

There's a few niggles. I don't understand what
Riko sat looking at his father as he cleared the table and carried the evening's meal to replace the mess he’d already cleaned
Is telling me.

I didn't think the kid spoke like he was 5.
There's some repetition, the text tells us the father never speaks about mom and then the dialogue brings it up just in case we hadn't got the point.

Generally speaking though, the technical stuff, grammar, spelling, staging are all pretty good.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
61
61
Review of Eyes of Mist  
for entry "3 - Departure" 
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
This tamaril guy is really getting me down. He smiles. He nods. He begins writing. He stops writing. He goes inside. He comes outside again. Are we to take it that the main story is a frame story written by this guy? I really hope not but the implication seems to be there. He interrupts the flow of the story and does nothing. The low rating I'm giving this chapter is meant as a reflection on this guy. I dunno... Shoot him with a fireball. Have a bear eat him. Give him a nasty paper cut out something. Do something, anything with him Cos at the moment he serves no purpose and he's dragging the narrative down.

However by this point I've also lost track of the character motivations. I think Jorcan's on a mission of destruction but his heart isn't really in it. And as for what Ayala is up to, I have no idea. A bit of character introspection wouldn't go amiss.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
62
62
Review of Eyes of Mist  
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Probably the best chapter so far. The two protagonists, bitter enemies as we know, are trapped in a story cauldron (the cave) and must make some hard decisions. It's a great story conflict.

On the downside they approach the matter rather intellectually. It might have been better if it was more visceral. If the question of trust was brought more directly to the fore. She states at him. At his huge muscles dropping now in blood that is not good own. She shudders. Only one thing to do. She opens her pack and makes with the herbs. Witch. You'll not poison me. His grip is like iron. He flings the herbs into the stream. You fool I am a healer. He's shocked to see her eyes are full of tears. We have a code. I cannot let a man die even an enemy. You are struck with a barb. He looks down. You will not last the night. You lie witch. But even as me says the words he feels the poison spreading. I can help you. Pleading. No warrior ever... But head is spinning. He reaches for his sword. Suddenly it seems so heavy. He slumps. And then... Nothing. Wakes up with a head like a legion of angry bears but he's healed.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
63
63
Review of Eyes of Mist  
for entry "2 - Dark Clouds" 
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As a reader I don't know what to make of this. The writing is all well and good. Grammar and so on is fine but the characters are a mystery to me.

So we start off with Jorcan and he's just heard a scream in the camp. Decent conflict. Apparently it's his problem so he deals with it and interacts with sooral but what are at to make of it? I guess we're supposed to read that he's a good fighter and has some moral authority. But if for example he'd come across the men and saved the underdog from racial (special?) prejudice and had to fight a much bigger man, then things would have been clearer. He would also have gained a useful ally who could be called on later. As it is it felt a bit so so.

After that the pov meets, I think it's his father, and they disagree about tactics but it doesn't really to resolve. I wonder if this would have been better off screen. Afterwards Jorcan could have emerged from the tent with a face like a thundercloud (ouch cliche). He meets a confidante character. They have a beer. He confides his doubts. The old man thinks he can reign in fire and fear. He will make young men hate and even their babes in arms shall take up the sword against us.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This has to be the most preposterous poem I ever read. The rhymes are good and it's an easy read. The poet has clearly considered performance and the rhythms of the piece trip nicely off the tongue. It does leave one asking why? How did we get here? I guess that's no bad thing. But hark! What's that noise? Don't worry, it's only WH Auden spinning in his grave...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
65
65
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Gets the readers attention with a pretty strong statement that this is going to be a sh*t day.

However it's a fragmentary. These are not scenes. I think it would be better to extend the length of these cuts so that the pov character exits the first one with an agenda. And the rat rather pulled it's punches. Why not have our nibbling the guys balls or something? That's gonna wake him up sharpish. Plus I think if I had a wound big enough to warrant a bloody bandage Id wake up going AAAARRGH JEEZUS F**** ****! Not have to look down at it to notice it. Still maybe the pov is numb. Plus I think maybe there's a benefit to naming him? So wet know who were rooting for?

Interesting though. I'm interested to see what develops.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
66
66
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good material here. A potentially interesting premise and a pair of characters in conflict.

It reads pretty nice except maybe the info dump 'Peter came to Liam a few months ago asking for a good price on fuel for some emission experiments they were doing in Seattle. Peter worked as the lead engineer for Prism Environmental. Prism had been awarded a large Federal Government contract to do tests on diesel fuels and their effects on climate change. They built a large geodesic dome to create a controlled environment with which they could introduce emissions and measure their effects.' could be smoother.

Why not do it in dialog like the latter section? And is it all necessary? Peter got a dome seems to be the essential point.
”If you'd told me this when your came to me the months ago..." Liam shook his head.
"I'd never have got the dome built.”
”Damn right you wouldn't."
Or whatever.
I have to say I'm interested to see how things develop.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
67
67
Review of Multivalence  
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am unable to critique this at a deep level other than to observe that our seems to overlap with the death of the death of the author and the notion that there is no meaning of any artwork or possibly of any system of signs can be seen as definitive. Ultimately though I felt the excerpts failed to build to an overall synthesis of the subject matter. But maybe that's just me.

Beyond that all I can say is that there seem to be at least 4 spelling errors/typos. 'reciewer' is not a word I know though I suppose it might be intended as a conflation of reviewer and receiver...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
68
68
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: E | (4.0)
Some interesting world building, the seeds of some promising conflict and a good range of characters conveyed with humour.

A lot I think depends on the intended length of the piece. If it's intended to be about this length then I wonder if fewer more deeply drawn characters would be preferable.

could we be shown the declaration of war rather than told about it? How did everyone find out TV? Papers? Twitter? If nothing else it would clarify what sort of world this is.

Getting the gang together on the first page is good I think, but it struck me that to have them considering the primo-wosnames might be premature. I wonder whether the protagonists shouldn't start with some kind of bridging conflict. Perhaps it's not going to be such a long work as to require that...

these primos? Are they the big bad? If so surely you want to test your heroes on some smaller challenges first. If you have them go for the big bad then you would seem to be throwing away the opportunity to escalate. And what's the benefit of them knowing who the big bag is?

Shouldn't that knowledge be hard won by, I dunno, finding a mystic book which leads them to an abandoned temple wherein lies an ancient artifact which can only be activated by the power of doodah or some such?

Good luck. Promising scenario. Regards


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
69
69
Review of Game Models  
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is certainly a well written piece. The spelling, grammar, formatting etc are faultless but I have to say I don't really get it. It doesn't seem to conform to the usual idea of narrative. However...

A story usually consists of one or more people doing things. This doesn't. There is hardly any doing here apart from the penultimate paragraph where the professor appears. Things are determined and worked out and automated but it's mostly summary. If it was a film or would be a montage not real time action.

By end i'm not really sure what the invention is. It seems to be everything. why should I care that the protagonist invents it? People invent stuff all the time. We don't see any consequences. The rest was history? Was it? Then show me.

In most narratives is that the protagonist faces conflict, struggles with it gets knocked back, tries again, overcomes obstacles and so on. Maybe there is some point here that I am missing. I'm pretty dumb. I miss a lot.

Good luck with your writing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
70
70
Review of By Chance  
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Nice little piece. The first paragraph quickly establishes setting (hotel) and raises interesting questions of character and motivation.

Ending is perhaps a little sugary but it works. Spelling, grammar, formatting all seemed pretty good though I think there might have been a missing possessive apostrophe on "monk's".


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
71
71
Review of Faces Plenty  
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
S**k it. F**k it. Good luck to it
Get up. Get down. Get s**t faced.
Get going. Get even.
Resit. Rehash. Rebel. Redo. Reform.
Revisit.
Burroughs in the burroughs?
Can I relate?
How the **** would I?
It's all relative.

Like the poem. Don't think there's an X in facsimiles?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
72
72
Review of Fallen, Scene 1  
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I have to admit I don't usually have much good to say about werewolf stories but I thought this is was well done.

Exposition is delicately handled and the characters are quickly drawn. Nice to see the sense of smell called into play. So many people ignore it and in a werewolf story that's always a shame...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
73
73
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm not really sure what to make of this. The premise is interesting but it doesn't seem complete. Part of something larger perhaps?

The dialogue is fairly natural and the spelling and grammar seem perfect. Scene setting is achieved with a light touch.

Formatting, unfortunately, isn't good; choppy and broken up with no white space between paragraphs.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
74
74
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: E | (4.5)
Most amusing. A perfectly formed piece of flash fiction.

The hook is sets up the ending in almost the first line but when it comes manages to fulfil expectations and yet still be a surprise.

Mechanics, spelling, grammar, were flawless as far as I could see.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
75
75
Review of Jewels  
Review by RobMcGee
Rated: E | (4.0)
An effective piece and a nicely observed portrait of the teenage mind.

I might complain that dirt is always rich and black in this sort of scene. And the mention of the grandchildren who are never scene again hung as an unfulfilled expectation over the narrative but they are minor quibbles.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
196 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 8 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rmcgee/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3