This micro story really needs a lot of work. There are numerous spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. This piece also lacks some of the basic ingredients required to create a good story. Can I suggest you have a look around the site for some tips on writing. I am sure, with practice and learning you will master the pen.
This is a lovely sweet peek into the mind of a man who, rather fearfully, is in love. I love the way you list the things he loves about her. Isn't that what every woman wants? A man to be able to say exactly what he loves about her. Really nice work. Keep writing.
This is well written and fits within the requirements of the fifty-five word contest and yet I do not like it. Well, actually, it isn't the story as such but what it says. He was smitten by the lovely woman until he saw she was not perfect. Unfortunately this is both sad and true. Good work and keep writing.
Here in New Zealand, trick or treating is not a big thing and after reading your entry I am glad. As a mother of five children I can just imagine all the odd bits and pieces they may bring home. This is a great entry in the fifty-five word contest. Well done and keep writing.
This is a clever example of a fifty-five word contest entry that shows where minds will wander given sufficient distraction. here we have two of men's greatest pleasures, cars and beautiful women. You did a great job working within the confines of the contest.
I can understand why your handle is 'words' now. Your entry for the fifty-five word contest is witty and clever. You have done a fantastic job of mixing together a meager helping of words and dishing up a splendid treat for the reader. If you can do such wonders with fifty-five words then I can just imagine what a sumptuous banquet you can prepare given more ingredients. Well done.
This is an interesting concoction for the fifty-five word contest. I am not sure I understand it and the term 'darkie' seems an odd term. It is extremely difficult to create a feasible story with only fifty-five little words so I am most impressed. Good luck.
This is a great first attempt at a fifty-five word contest. I am very impressed with how well you structured this piece considering the few words in it. I found it to be highly evocative, bringing a shudder to my spine. Very well done and good luck. Keep writing!
I really like this story. I like the approach you have chosen of the indigo girls. It is fresh and simple, not over wrought with emotional baggage or fraught with dramatic trauma. Just a simple, well told story that is perfect. There is a clarity about this piece that speaks for itself, allowing the reader to sit back, and enjoy. well done.
The large bold text is quite difficult to read. I suggest reducing it. As to the story. I found the beginning to be very slow. I felt like i was having to trudge through a lot of information rather than an active story. A lot of this information could easily be spread through the chapters or dealt with through dialogue and action. The story concept is good and with a bit of work will turn out well.
This is a great story that is both creative and unique. I love the whole idea of it. However, I feel you didn't do this wonderful story, justice. The story is rife with he did this and said that. This distances the reader from the story, especially when there is little dialogue. I would love to see you tackle this piece and give it some in depth care, consider changing how the story is told. Its a great story that needs to be well told. Thanks and keep writing.
This is a clever story that has a ring of truth to it for everyone. I didn't see any errors and the dialogue is very well done and quite realistic. The characters are lively and well fitted to the story. The story is good but the first person narration seems to do it little favour. Congratulations on your win though. Keep writing.
What an amazing story of courage and enlightenment. You have battled this terrible thing that has changed your life and yet, through it all, you come out smiling. That, to me, is wonderful. I love the way you presented your story as poetry. It has a wonderful fluidity that is a credit to your skills as a writer. Well done.
When I read through this chapter I came across this startling part.
"I don't know why I ever felt surprised to have my dead great
grandmother's picture talking to me. I don't know why I was surprised
by any of it.
I hadn't seen a living person there in years.
During the work day all I could think about was the way her jeans
angled up toward her ass cheeks.
Someone asked me what the projected sales numbers were for the
year and I thought about the perfect curve of her hips and wondered
how it could be expressed mathematically.
I was on ten conference calls during this time. I sat through ten
different meetings with assholes about nothing, which accomplished
nothing. I sat there choking down my hatred with pieces of my nails
that I chewed off till my last meeting of the day with Bob.
While Bob from accounting was asking me about how many computers
I thought would need to replace for next years budget all I thought
about her ass. "
Now you wrote this so you know who you are talking about. Given the reference to your great grand mother, it seemed as though you were imagining her ass in jeans. This was an all together disturbing thing for me. I shuddered. I was nauseous. Please make sure you let the reader in on your thoughts. Do not assume we can read your mind. I thought perhaps in chapter two I would be given some indication of a story or theme. All I get is that you hate your life. Anyway, work at getting that structure in and keep writing.
I feel like I just spent the last half hour sitting in a bar with you, grazing on peanuts and drinking a beer while you recounted what a crazy day you had. I don't know if that is good or not. What I do know is that you switch from second to first person point of view and switch tenses. It makes for very confusing reading. There doesn't seem to be any structure to why you say what you do. Is there a story or are you sharing the ruminations of your mind with us. Its not that you can't write because you can. Its just that you talk too much. There is no showing, no real sensory cues. It would be great to see what you could do within the parameters of structured writing.
I cant imagine being able to write a script. It must be extremely difficult. I am very impressed with the level of work you have produced. I think the only weak points are a tendency to use common phrases "Please don't leave me mommy" that just give this piece an overly familiar feel. There needs to be something about the story that really sets it apart from other such stories. Over all you did quite well.
This is an unusual piece and one that leaves me a little baffled. I am not entirely sure as to what it's all about. I mean, I understand the written events, I just don't see a plot to adhere them too. In part the narration become too obscure, drifting in to philosophical musings that really only serve to confuse the reader. It is clear that you can write, all you need to do is construct a good strong plot from which to work.
There were moments when this was really beautiful, especially the beginning. From the point where Angela meets Carl it seems to slip into a 'telling' story where you simply outline a series of events that lead to a predictable conclusion. This gives the story a very cliche feeling to it. See, here's the thing. This has the makings of a novel where each of the events becomes chapters in the characters lives. You could explore their developing relationship, the struggles Angela might face and the difficulty Carl might feel letting himself love again. There is so much in this story that hasn't been dealt with and as such, it feels under-developed.
And here you convince me of my previous conclusion drawn of you. Genius. The fact that you can create worlds beyond my comprehension and STILL argue with unfailing logic. This very impressive argument is intelligent, well-thought out and unbiased. I have recently reviewed some other pieces on "God's existence" and they were heavily biased. It is always with respect that I view someone who can argue such a profound topic and remain composed.
What a remarkable feat of writing mastery. I don't know if i have ever read anything quite like this before, or ever will again. I read once that writers come from one of two houses. The art house or the craft house. Those from the art house can weave a wonderful tale but need to develop structure and discipline. Those from the craft house have developed their writing ability by adhering to well known principles that create good writing. Occasionally there are those geniuses who were born of the ground between both houses. Within these fabled creatures is that mystical ability to charm their scribes, enticing them to dance over the page spilling ink into stories that write themselves on the minds of their readers. You, my friend, are one such genius.
I was almost scared to start reading this after my last tryst through your port *winks*. I was much relieved. Not only did I get to keep my dinner but I had the pleasure of delighting in your skillfully woven words. Only you can take the modern creation, ecotourists, and blend it with the ancient fantasies that surround King Aurthur. This cleverly crafted short story is a joy to read. Good luck with the contest, it's not like you need it though. :)
Once again you capture the depth of pain that we endure as life throws rocks at us. The loss of a parent under any circumstances is brutal but to loose one who is already gone from you is a cruel twist. I cannot imagine the pain you suffered even though I have lost a parent for the truth is our losses are our own, no two are the same, bearing the same burden and dishing out the same grief.
I absolutely love the form of this poem. I find your poetry to be extremely evocative, touching depths within me I am not sure I like. I too have hidden places that are a source of pain but unlike you, I am not yet brave enough to explore them. Thank you so much for being so brave.
This is an interesting little piece that plunges the reader into the dark and fearful world of death. I wonder how close to reality this is. Chances are, very close. I am impressed with your ability to create a full and provocative piece with so few words. It is indeed an impressive skill. Well done.
I am sure you have a very good reason behind this short piece. It almost sounds to me like you are offering some wise words of advice. I have had a daughter who would run away. As a parent it is difficult to tolerate a childs selfish behavior and yes, all we want to do is love them. Thank you for your words.
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