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Unless otherwise specified this review is for this piece only. If it is a chapter of a book then I am reviewing this chapter only. Your final rating is based on the average of all the scores given throughout this review. I will give you a rating between 1 and 5 for the following category's.
1. The Creation - (2/5)
Hi there. Creating a short story is a difficult job, and one I can see you struggle with. Well done for a good effort but as it stands, this story is incomplete. I really love the idea behind this story. The Australian Aborigine has a rich and colourful heritage filled with folklore and tradition and a story based on such things has great potential. The problem here is that basic components required to create a good story are missing.
1) Character Development: The characters are well developed. You have created rich and interesting characters that fit well within your story. You have used geographical linguistics which adds depth to them. The characters are really quite believable which is an awesome achievement.
2) Plot: The plot is the backbone of your story. It is a series of events designed to bring your characters through an experience. This is the weakest point within your story. We have two guys sitting around a campfire talking about a mythical man/demon. A third man runs up terrified and passes out after shrieking that he is being chased by said mythical man/demon. I have to wonder "what's the point?"
3) Setting: You have touched on the setting a little but not nearly enough. Here's the thing, you are really good with descriptive prose. I love the description of the campfire by night and of the noon day sun. Both are very well written. Just extend that creative streak keeping in mind that the reader needs to see where the characters are.
4) Editing: There are numerous spelling mistakes and grammatical errors which really create a difficult read. There are online spellcheckers available if you don't have MS Word and WDC provides a spell checker in every item.
2. The Chores - ( 1.5/5)
When writing, dialog should always start in a new paragraph, regardless of its length. Every time a new person speaks, put two lines between it. Like this.
It was a sunny day when Jack and Jill went to play.
"Are you hungry?" said Jill.
"Not really," said Jack, "let's just play for now."
See how much clearer it is to read? There is no mistaking who is speaking.
It really pays to tidy up your writing after the creative bits are done. There is nothing more distracting than reading a story full of errors.
Here are my suggested edit points.
The two young boys sat staring at the campfire, the flames moved (moving) in spasmodic random patterns. Kyle felt as he watched them that there was some sort of order or rythm (rhythm) to it, but it seemed to be just out of reach as though it was brushing on the outer edge of his consciousness.
"Nah, what's that?" replied Jake(,) not particularly interested but putting enough enthusiasm in his voice to fake it.
"Well(,) he's supposed to be this aboriginal (Aboriginal) witch doctor guy, and if he points a bone at you then you just stop eating and freak out and die."
"Sounds great, he must be the real life of the party (he must really be the life of the party). I think I'll invite him to me next corroboree (Corroboree)." Jake replied (,) with only a slight hint of sarcasm.
"Nah(,) it's for real(,) ay (aye). Apparently(,) there was this black fella in the
"They were all runnin' around`screamin(,) (")Featherfoot comin'(,) Featherfoot comin(") (When referring to someone else's speech during dialog, either use no quote marks or single quote marks. In this case I wouldn't use any as the word "comin'" needs an apostrophe and keyboards don't differentiate between apostrophes and single quote marks.)
"You see(,) he has feathers tied to his feet to cover his tracks. Anyway (,)sure enough he must have got to him because he just stopped eating and died. They say he was literrally (literally) scared to death." Kyle stared seriously at Jake, waiting for some kind of response.
(")Lucky we ain't black fellas then(,) ay! (aye?)"
"Yeah(,) I guess(.)" said Kyle(,) although he didn't sound to convinced. "Anyway(,) I'm gonna hit the sack(.) I'm shattered. Catch ya in the mornin'(.)"
"Yep(,) see ya then(.)" (and) jake (Jake) wandered off to his tent with a yawn.
Jake and kyle were sitting close to the fire trying to warm up against the morning chill,(Full stop not comma) jake (Jake)had thrown a couple of logs and a splash of petrol on it and managed to resurect (resurrect) it close to it's glory of the night before.
"Do you see that over there(?)" Jake said suddenly and pointed(Change 'and pointed' to 'pointing') over to a stand of trees in the distance.
"Nuh, where(?)" replied Kyle.
"Over there(,) near those trees(.)" Jake prodded his finger at the air as if this would somehow help to clarify the situation.
Kyle scanned the area then stopped as his eyes locked onto (,)what looked like(,) a man running towards(toward) them.
"He's coming straight at us, what should we do(?)" Kyle said(,) sounding a little anxious.
"Just let him come, if he starts anything(,) we'll crack him with a stick or something(.)" Jake said(,) matter of factly (matter-of-factly,) like it was standard procedure for anyone in their situation.
As the figure came nearer(,) they could see he looked panicked and was running frantically, half tripping and looking back over his shoulder as if being chased.
The man was now close enough(that) they could hear his voice(.) he(He) was(`)screaming hystercally (hysterically) "Help! He's gonna get me. Featherfoot (,)he's after me."
He looked at Jake(,) who was just staring and shaking his head.
"No way, you've got to be kidding(?)"
They could see(,) now (,)that the man was an aboriginal (Aborigine,) and that he looked as mad as a rabid dog.
"No, I can see his chest moving(.)"
"What should we do with him(?)" Kyle hoped Jake had a plan because he didn't have a clue.
"I don't know. Let's just wait and see if he wakes up(.)"
So they just sat and stared at the motionless man wondering what the hell they were going to do when he woke up, or worse still(,) when whatever was chasing him caught up.
"It's getting hot(,) ay. (aye?) Ya reckon we should move him?" Kyle said.
"Yeah(,) I suppose, don't want him gettin' sunburn (sunburned) ay (aye,)" Jake replied(,) with a slight hint of humour in his voice.
"Can black fella's (fellas) get sunburn (sunburned?)" Kyle asked(,) looking quizzicly (quizzically) at Jake.
"Nah, they just get blacker(.)" (Both) (both) boys looked at each other (,)then laughed, (Full stop here instead of comma) (it) It broke the tension and they felt more relaxed.
"Righto then(,) lets (let's) drag him into the shade(.)" said Jake.
Almost instantly(,) the man sat bolt upright with his eyes so wide open they looked as if they were trying to escape from(unneeded line break)
his head.
"He comin'(,) He comin'. Featherfoot(,) he gonna get me(.)" (He)he kept repeating the same thing as if it were a mantra.
"No ones (one's) comin' to get ya. It's alright, your (you're) safe(,) just calm down(.)" Kyle tried to reassure him.
"It's no good(,) fella, I'm dead. Once Kadachi man's comin for ya, that's it, finished(.)" he (He) sounded less hysterical, almost like he'd resigned himself to his fate and was quite content to wait until it was played out. (Using 'content' here is contrary to the state you just described him as being in.)
"Hey(,) I don't know about this Kadachi man(,) but me and Jake here won't let any one get ya(.) OK (O.K.)" Kyle spoke this as if he almost beleived (believed) it and turned to Jake for support. Jake gave him a look as if to say "Good luck with that, your (you're) on your own there" ('Good luck with that, you're on your own.')
"Righto, tell us about this Kadachi man then. What makes him so scary(?)" Kyle thought that if he got him to talk about it(,) he'd realise he was just being silly.
"Well(,) Kadachi man(,) he part of the dreamtime (dream-time,) ay (aye). All blackfellas (black fellas,) we part of dreamtime (dream-time) too. See out there(?)
trees(Trees), hills, rivers, sky, all that, that dreamtime (dream-time) too.
too busy making money, you don't even know dreamtime (dream-time) is real(.)"
"I had a dream last night. Dreamed I was the Prime Minister, everyone had to do what I said(.)" Jake said.
" No, dreamtime (dream-time) all the time. Not just when you sleep. When you white fella see things, you see it one thing at a time. All seperate (separate), then you try to fit it together like a jigsaw puzzle, but all the pieces are wrong and you just smile at it like it's good. Blackfella (Black fellas,) we see everything at once, today, yesterday, the people, animals, seasons, everything. That's dreamtime (dream-time), different way of lookin' at the world"
(remove extra spaces here) "Oh yeah(,) kind of like multi skilling (multi-skilling)." Jake said(,) with a little chuckle.
The man turned and stared at Kyle, his eyes were wide and seemed to dart restlesly (restlessly) about in there (their) sockets. They eventually slowed down and came to rest on Kyle. "They call me Jimmy Jimmy(,)" he answered.
"Why(?) did (Did) they have a stutter.(change full stop to question mark)" Jake retorted, before recieving (receiving) a scornful look from Kyle.
"Well(,) Jimmy Jimmy(,) what can we do to stop the Kadachi man(?)" Kyle asked.
"Nothing,(change to a full stop) he's (He's) a spirit, once he's been called(,) he keeps going till his job's one(I think you mean 'done' not 'one'."
__________________________________________________________________________________________
When I look at what I consider 'chores' for reviewing purposes, I include editing such as above but I also look at the structure of the story and whether the writer has planned and constructed his or her story properly. I feel that this has not been done here. There are points within the story that are contradictory. At one point Jimmy Jimmy is frantic and hysterical and yet you state that he was resigned to his fate and contently awaited its arrival. The other major factor is regarding the plot and theme. I am not sure what your goal was with this story. There seems to be no ending. Kyle and Jake are camping, they talk about the Kadachi man and then a man runs up believing he is being pursued by the Kadachi man. You need to creat a series of events that bring about some sort of conflict that can be resolved. Basically this is what all writing is about. There are characters in a situation that needs to be resolved. It doesn't matter whether that situation is real or imagined, it doesn't matter whether the conflict is between two characters, the world, nature or himself. All stories need a beginning, middle and end.
For example, if we take your story and plan a plot it might be like this.
Two boys go camping and talk about the Kadachi man. One boy doesn't believe he is real while the other does. A few weird things start to happen. The question is, is it the Kadachi man or just their imaginations. This is also your area of conflict. The disbeliever has to battle his own mind to figure out what is real. The ending could be that the Kadachi man is real and has come to get them or that it was just another mate, dressed up to scare them. It could be any number of things. Work with your story and have some fun figuring out an exciting and interesting plot. Decide on the setting and how it will look. Build your characters so they fit your story. Then go write it. You may have to rewrite it several times until it is just right but we all have to do that.
3. The Reception - ( 3/5)
When reading this story I noticed what a great style you have for geographical linguistics. This really helps the story along. I think this story has a lot of potential if you plan it out. You can write! You have some great lines there but you need to do the structural stuff first.
When writing short stories, it is important that things move along at a consistent pace. Unlike novels, where you can dedicate a whole chapter to a few minor events, short stories require a lot more action in a smaller space. This story lacks the essential ingredients needed to gain the readers attention. I am happy to offer any assistance I can or link you to someone else if you want. Keeping working on your writing skills as ever bit you learn moves you further to successful writing.
I have included a few basic pointers that may help you construct short stories that are exciting and successful.
The basic elements of a short story are:
• plot: the events that happen and how they are arranged.
Chose events that are interesting, moving, dynamic or meaningful.
• setting: where things happen
Use imagery and descriptions to build a three dimensional world.
• characters: the people in the story
Create characters that will work well within your story. Think about what they look like, what their interests are, how they would react to situations.
• point of view and narrative voice: whose point of view the story is told from and the way the author chooses to tell it
Choose one point of view and stay with it.
• types of prose: exposition, dialogue and other kinds of writing and their uses
Always separate narration and dialog. Make sure your narration is clear.
• scenes and half-scenes: when and how to dramatize the story
Develop your scenes as though you were planning a day trip. Decide what will happen first and why
• form and structure: what shape the narrative has and how the pieces fit together
Be consistent with your structure
• types of story: stories can be about characters, ideas and other things
Decide what it is you want to show your reader.
• genre: categories for fiction, including things like mysteries or fantasy or realism
This is where you decide on the flavor of your story
• reading and revision: the importance of reading other people's work, and how to make yours better
The most effective way to learn how to write well is by reading. Read, read, read...
Final Rating - (2.2/5) *Score is based on Average of the three category's
Disclaimer: The purpose of this review is to offer my opinion as one writer to another. As a writer I understand how precious a piece of work can be to it's creator so my opinion comes with all the respect due to a fellow writer. I do not claim to be an expert nor do I assume to know better than anyone else what work's and what doesn't. I offer my opinion as a means of supporting you in your writing journey. If you have any questions or comments regarding my review please feel free to email me. May your pen dance with joy as you weave your wonderful tale.
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Okay, so maybe I have heard my children utter a few less than polite things while pretending to be me. (Does "sniff my pits" count as less than polite?) Our children are our greatest teachers and oft it is from the mouths of babes that the truth is revealed. Great work on this 69'er.