*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sashi/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
606 Public Reviews Given
724 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 -3- 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
51
51
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Good chapter... It gives the reader an insight into what each member of the group is like. Lilac's story was so sad, but her statement that they will need a new wisdom to survive was right on point. I get the impression that Martha is rather superficial, and I doubt she'll be much help to the group. Duncan sounds like he might quit the group as soon as it's safe to do so. He doesn't seem too concerned about the others.
Trevor's mother has the positive attitude that I believe is necessary for survival. If you believe in something enough, it will happen. I hope her family makes it. Brittany has come to the realization that she misses her millions more than her boyfriend. *Laugh* I think she may be another weak link in this survival group. Danny's story made me smile. I wondered why Bobby and Steve's stories weren't in the journal. *Frown* The ending of this chapter grossed me out. Kool-aid made with pool water? The water they swim naked in? *Shock*

Consider the following when editing:

We do everything toget (together.) I don’t want to write anymore.

She, dare I write this or will it be taken out of context? Is perhaps the most intriguing person here.
(Consider: She--dare I write this or will it be taken out of context?--is perhaps the most intriguing person here.)

I am also a part time (part-time) mother.

But it is my hope, my dream for what ever (whatever)future we may have is (delete 'is') to take this second chance to be the family we have the potential to be.

I am well trained and can shake my paw, roll over, sit, lie down and what ever (whatever) else might be on your list of tricks.

I am house broken (housebroken.).


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **









52
52
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You can feel the anxiety, wondering if things will ever be normal again. There is sorrow over the fact that Freddy will die soon since they can't go to town to get his insulin. And there is acceptance, by Freddy, that there is nothing they can do for him. On Day 6, Freddy dies and they mourn not only for him, but for life as it was before the bomb, for all that they lost. It tears at the reader's heart. Steve and Bobby join the group. I wonder if that is wise. They have been outside in the radiation. Hearing the story Steve and Bobby told gives us a good idea of how extensive this attack was, and the devastation it caused. Emotion-filled chapter... *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:

Lilac wanted is (delete 'is') to try to get to the pharmacy in town and get some of his medicine.

At first people were yelling at each other, blaming and cursing whom ever (whomever) had hit their car.

He remembered hearing something about a raised terror level warning, but hadn’t paid any attention to it because who did (anymore?) any more?

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **







53
53
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
In this chapter we see that the new world will not be an easy one--maybe not even a fair one. Rules have to be established, and followed. The need for this arises when Tony is searched for missing cigarettes, and Martha's stolen jewelry is discovered in his backpack. The group votes and the punishment is banishment from the castle. Considering everything outside the castle is probably radioactive, this is a possible death sentence--which is certainly a harsh sentence for stealing. I'm not sure banishment was the right decision. Another problem is that Freddy is a diabetic and has no medicine. What will happen to him? Will some of the group be able to go into town, or will the radiation be too bad? Do they dare leave the safety of the castle?
This chapter shows the reader the problems that are already developing within the group. They are now down to twelve survivors in the castle...

Consider the following when editing:


Today Cyndy and Brad, or Doc as everyone has taken to calling him(,) tried out the new Geiger counter.

Doc shook him awake and ordered him to take a shower and then head down stairs (downstairs.).

Just as Tony was heading in to (into) the bathroom, Doc wondered just how much running water we had.

There (There's) a faint grayish haze high overhead though.

Not my children(,) who may or may not be alive.

Then Lanie said she thought she’d counted his smoking more than his share(.)?

Should we go through Tony’s belongings to see if he has more than his allotted share of cigarettes.(?)

Then he swung around and his fist connected to Tony’s jaw(,) knocking him into the shelves.

There (were) talks of punishment and talks of banishment!

Question: Should Tony be punished or banished(?).


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **




54
54
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This sets the scene of what has once been and is no more, and of what is to come. The reader wonders if this group of thirteen will survive. Good descriptions of the people in the group, the youngest being a boy of nine. Fortunately, they find themselves stranded in a castle with a two-year supply of food. Gas for the generator is another matter. They are running out fast. What will happen when the generator dies? This chapter definitely makes the reader want to read on.

Consider the following when editing:

Yesterday I had an ex boyfriend (ex-boyfriend) whom I loved dearly and had we ever gotten back together, most likely would have killed me.

Yesterday I literally had $2.23 to my name, an unregistered car that had no insurance, a noisy muffler and out of date (out-of-date) plates.

John Prescott, white haired (white-haired), teeth clamped around a cherry-wood pipe(,) came into the kitchen and stopped.

In one hand he held a mag-light, in the other a portable battery operated (battery-operated) radio.

Oh my God. Oh my (God.) god.

We just got the generator up(,) folks.

I was startled from my brain fog (brain-fog) by a pounding on the front door.

A bomb has gone off and she was worried that she couldn’t get the coffee pot (coffeepot) or the microwave to work.

I grabbed my new (thankfully) notebook off the table, my cigarettes and my pen off the table and followed him downstairs.
(Suggest: I grabbed my new (thankfully) notebook, cigarettes and pen off the table and followed him downstairs.)

John Prescott-60 something, rich, well-he was. Leader type, patient(.) 3. Martha Prescott-60’s, pretty in an elegantly faded way...looks different without her makeup.

Just because she is err was? (This doesn't make sense.)

6. Brad White. 40’s(, a doctor!) A Doctor! Acts very preoccupied(,) keeps muttering about the stock market. Married to 7.

She’s working on her 2nd doctorate in molecular pseudo synthetic (pseudo-synthetic) synthesis(,) what ever (whatever) that is.

8. Trevor, their 9 year old (nine-year-old) son.

Tiny, (blue-veined, blue-haired, blue-blooded.) blue veined blue haired, blue blooded.

Lanie and Brittany are (in) one of the other two corners and the Thorntons and Prescotts are sharing some camp cots.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


55
55
Review of Dan  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This makes you face the AIDS issue from the POV of people who have it... and are dying from it. You can feel the despair and even the anger they feel, because there isn't enough being done to find a cure for AIDS--or at least finding new drugs that will prolong their lives until a cure is found. As if dying from this disease isn't bad enough, they are shunned by society because they have AIDS. The dialogue between the two patients is very enlightening. The ending makes you want to cry for all the AIDS patients that die alone.

The wall straight ahead and to my right are (is) an extreme, sterile white with a small window, but to my left is a dirty, off-white curtain that completely cuts me off from the world.

"Hey," I manage to croak out, "What (what) day is it?"
56
56
Review of Gone to the Dogs  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Full of childish innocence... adult despair...loss of a life. Great dialogue between the children! The ending shows how young the children were--too young to understand death. Good job! *Thumbsup*

She looked (at) the smoke stacks above them spewing black dust.

Sarah took another step in the never-ending circle, studying the blackened pavement (ahead.) aheard.

57
57
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Peter does a good deed by catching the robber at the gas station, but then he insults the store clerk about her weight. This makes me wonder about this man. The scenes with Michael playing Texas Hold 'Em and losing all his money doesn't seem to fit in the story. Who is this Michael character? Liz sounds like the most normal person in this threesome as they head for Flagstaff. Nice descriptions of NM...

Consider the following when editing:

Dialogue should be within double quotion marks and there is a comma before the tag line, unless it is an exclamation or a question. Each person's dialogue should be in a separate paragraph. You also need to leave a blank line between paragraphs for ease of reading.

I pick her up on an indifferent monday (Monday) morning.

When I open the cooler I feel my head throbbing a lot harder and I feel like lying down and try (trying) to die, then I realize it's the shop clerk yelling at me.

The first thing I see outside is Christine stading (standing) on a single leg, scraping gum of (off) her shoe with a lingerie brochure.

I see him putting on a black motorcycle (need a space here) helmet just outside the truck on the side facing away from the shop.

I grab a smoke from the pack and offer (the pack to) Christine.

leave the mans (man's) car keys and the paper bag on the desk.

We look at each (need a space here) other, smile, and then burst out laughing again.

'Do you have any idea where we're going(?)' Christine asks me looking out the passenger side window.

Christines (Christine's) lower right arm is starting to get a very reddish tan compared to her light brown (light-brown) tanned face.

'Well, first we're gonna get some gas and something to eat. Then we'll be going further out into the Big Fresh(,)' I tell Christine.

We stop in the parking lot beside the other cars and Christine sets of (off) for the restroom beside the gas station.

After the door bell (doorbell) has stopped tingling I see a redheaded girl run by me, her face covered with both her hands.

Christines (Christine's) casual and rapid type of careless speach strikes me as rather amusing.

A greyhaired (grey-haired) woman is standing behind the counter pouring steaming coffee into a cup in front of a man in his (mid-forties.) mid forties. '

'That'll do us fine. And two mugs of coffee and some mixed orange and grapefruit juice(,)' I tell her giving away a smile, hoping for just a little one in return.

I've thought a bit about it and I bet there's a cheap hotel in Flagstaff(,).' I tell her(, mostly to give her what I hoped she was looking for.) . Mostly to give her what I hoped she was looking for.

AND there's the Santa Fe train blowin it's (its) horn all night long, no way I'm sleeping there!' she objects.

The man at the counter is reading yesterdays (yesterday's) paper so intensely he doesn't realize a thing until my car starts moving out of the parking lot.

When we get about half a mile down the highway we see the redheaded girl kicking rocks at the side out (of) the road looking at the ground.

I never got that beer did I? (If I recall right, he got a six-pack at the gas station that was robbed.)

Suddenly I change my mind and drive (delete 'drive') make a right up the 371 state road headed for Crown Point.

Its (It's) late in the afternoon and my head has finally stopped throbbing.

Well she just looked like someone who could use (a) ride...'

'I just thought she'd be a lot of fun having (to have) tagging along.

The sun has moved a tiny bit longer on it's (its) journey above the mountains.

I squeze (squeeze) the speeder a bit harder.

'I wonder if they had vodka in the ancient orient (Orient)!?' I shout into Christines (Christine's) ear.

Even on this sunday (Sunday) night the place is crowded.

I feel the rhytm (rhythm) pounding on my chest as well as Christines (Christine's) hands going down it.

Our tounges (tongues) toy lightly with (each other.) eachother.

All the way down Gold Avenue we stop once in a while and let our hands roam eachothers bodys (each other's bodies) until one of us breaks it off and gets us moving.

At the blink of an eye the man in the black suit puts a hand inside his jacket, draws out a 9mm and puts a hole through the other mans (man's) right lung.

'We planned to get out of Albuquerque the next day... and thats (that's) how we got here(.)'.


While waiting for the fortysomething year old texan (forty-something-year-old Texan) guy to call, Michael scratches the back of his head thinking about getting home to his craphole(.) of a home.

The smile on Michaels (Michael's) face

He crosses the street and just barely miss (misses) a cab going past him.

Both Peter and Christine ignores (ignore) her request completely.

Thats (That's) what this is!' Peter says and his smile narrows a bit.

One akward (awkward) moment follows another for the next twenty miles.

'Mind if I join you back there for a while?' she continues og (to) crawls (crawl) between the front seats without waiting for an answer.
58
58
Review of Tilly  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting story so far... It held my interest as I followed this gypsy band through their travels, gruesome discovery, and an addition to the band. The climax comes when Tilly finds out Xena is wanted for robbery...but she's done more than rob someone. I look forward to reading more chapters. *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:


"Bad dream, pet?" Rosaline crooned(,) her eyes tired and cloudy in the oil lamp’s dull glow.

Her once deep brown hair (was) now dull and grey;(,) her skin once so smooth now wrinkled and thin like tissue paper, but her hazel eyes remained deep and mysterious, full of memories of better times.

Anna and Lucy were Tilly’s nine year old (nine-year-old) twin cousins.

"We will be in the valley until the elders decide that we should move on.(,)" replied Tilly.

"Good morning," She (she) replied, smiling deeply.

Tilly laughed at a joke he made, and he gazed longingly at her slightly olive skin;(,) wild auburn hair held back from her face with a golden coloured (gold-coloured) scarf;(,) and deep green eyes.

She wore (a) deep blue skirt that reached her ankles and a white off the shoulder (off-the-shoulder) top and always left her beautiful blonde hair down, not even tying a scarf around her head to keep it out of her eyes.

She was so unlike Tilly who wore a brown skirt and off the shoulder (off-the-shoulder) top with a golden coloured (gold-coloured) scarf in her hair.

Tessa noticed her friend’s absent mindedness (absentmindedness) but before she could ask her, a friendly voice piped up behind her.

The smile left Wills (Will's) face and he said(,) "Well, I’ll see you later then."

Before almost running (Before he almost ran) to join Peter who was sat (sitting) on a large log by last night’s fire.

The past was in the past and that was all that matted (mattered), wasn’t it?

Most had been living with the group for at least a year so they had stayed in the valley before;(,) but Tessa, Will, Patrick, Jack and Maggie had never been there before.

She was in the food wagon, as expected(,) and greeted Tilly with a huge hug.

Gwendolyn was a largish woman with greying hair in her (mid-thirties.) mid thirties.

"Oh, tired...excited(.)"

Tilly stared at the floor wishing it would swallow her up(.), "He asked me why I lived here and not in a house with my family!" She went on(,) "He thought I should be attending grammar school and learning to play the piano!

It just...came so unexpectedly, and I didn’t answer, and when the cow bell (cowbell) rang I just ran off like an idiot!"

By the time everything was packed up and the horses where (were) reined to the wagons it was midmorning.

Kay-lee was heavily pregnant and Charlotte was her ten month old (ten-month-old) daughter.

'Will must be walking behind the wagons’ Tilly thought ‘I can’t see him’.
(Use italics for thoughts. Will must be walking behind the wagons, Tilly thought. I can't see him.)

Everyone was gathering around the side of the dirt road, although it wasn’t really a road;(,) just a track.

Maggie was comforting the little girl best she could (as best as she could), but nobody knew what the matter was.

"Anna!" Tilly cried, wrapping her arms around her(.)

"What’s going on?" Jack asked(.)

I’ll fine some fruit cake (Fruitcake,) shall I.(?)" and (And)she receded into the food wagon.

Tessa’s eyes widened(.) "Do you think there could be one down there?"

"A murderer out there somewhere.(,)" Will finished.

The usual spark in his eyes was (had) turned to fear.

"I’m going to look for mushrooms(,") Tessa said when she had finished her lunch.

"I’ll come too,(.)" Tilly brushed the crumbs from her skirt.

"Found some(,)" Tilly called to her friend, and began pulling the mushrooms from the ground.

"Will likes you.(,)" Tessa said suddenly.

She opened and closed her mouth as if she wanted to say something, then finally said(,) "What makes you think he likes me?"

Tessa raised her eye-brows (eyebrows) and grinned.

Tilly thought for a second and then said(,) "Well then, I suppose I have an admirer!"

She looked Tilly up and down before saying(,) "What do you want?" in a crude way.

"To talk to you.(,)" Tilly answered.

"Xena, and that’s none of your business.(,)" Xena retorted.

Xena was tall.(,) Taller (taller) than Tilly, with wavy honey brown (honey-brown) hair and porcelain white (porcelain-white) skin.

She wore a white short sleeved (short-sleeved) blouse that showed more of her bosom than was respectable, and a long red skirt with a split up the side so that she was able to expose her leg whenever she pleased.

She looked no more than sixteen(.)

"Where ever (Wherever) I please."

As soon as she saw him, Xena smirked, then put on a, (no comma needed here) well practiced (well-practiced), anguished face and began limping.

"I’m Xena.(,)" She (she) heard her say softly to Will, wincing every time she stepped on her ‘sore foot’.

Will had not left her side. Not even to feed the horses.
(Suggest: Will had not left her side, not even to feed the horses.)

Mr Hardy and Old Ben were still talking privately, about the dead body of cause (course), and even sat away from the group after supper.

Kay-lee nodded(.) "But believe you me, I will not be sad the day this baby comes out!"

‘What now?’ though (thought) Tilly as she ambled from the wagon.

Normally this wouldn’t have been an issue, but Tilly new (knew) for a fact that Tessa and Maggie had come from this town(, Miaton.) ; from Miaton.

"Maggie and I where (were) disowned, you know.(,)" She (she) said.

It meant more flour to make bread, more yellow meal (Which (which) wasn’t something Tilly and the others really looked forward to, but it was cheap.) and of cause (course), sweets.

Their first house was small a cottage, the occupants probably no better off then (than) them.

A thin woman in her mid fifties (mid-fifties) answered the door.

"Four pence.(,)" Tilly said as Anna lifted the small jar from the pile in the centre of the basket.

"No, too much!" The (the) woman haggled(.) "Tuppence!"

"Thruppence. No less. No more.(,)" Tilly declared.

They were approaching the town square now (and were in the alleys that led off of it.) , and were in the allies that led off of it.

There was all sorts of things stuck on the dirty ally (alley) walls, including wanted posters.

Then it hit her(, like anvil dropping from a two-story building or a slap to the back of the head.) ; like an anvil dropping from a two story building; like a slap to the back of the head.

Tilly read the whole page (as) best she could, though she wasn’t very good at reading;(:)

"Hello, Cate.(,)" Tilly said quietly, standing behind her.

"I didn’t do it.(,)" She (she) said abruptly.

"But you wont tell anyone, will you?" she (She) came closer to Tilly(.) "Will you!" she (She) seemed different, almost crazed.

Tilly suddenly realized what had been staring her in the face the whole time(.) "You killed the man we found in the woods, didn’t you?"

"Yes, I believe you.(,)" Tilly answered.

Xena was still pacing(.) "But I like it here...

I want to help you.(,)" Tilly said, edging closer to this crazed girl.

She could hear Xena trying to catch her up, but Tilly knew she was faster;(,) much faster.

"Help!" She (she) screamed again, then tripped on a tree root and toppled to the ground.

She looked up into Xena’s eyes and saw fear;(,) pure fear.

Tessa nodded(.) "You’re safe now.
59
59
Review of Love  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I found this a bit confusing as you switched from the call to the police to the woman with the cats to the car in which the girl and boy were, then back to the police. However, it did give a clear insight as to what was being felt and done in each scenario. First there is the police officer who receives the call, thinking the caller sounded like Jennifer, his dead wife. Next, we get a glimpse of Jean, the caller, and what her life is like, and what she's doing when she hears the scream. Finally, there is the girl, the victim, parked in a car with her boyfriend. We seen the boy lose control...and the reader wonders if he is aware of what he does at the time he does it. The ending is ironic in the fact that the victim's name is Jennifer.

I thought you did well describing each scenario and stating the facts that led to her murder.

Consider the folloing when editing:


He could sense a degree of panic in the under tone (undertone) of her voice as if she was on the verge of crumbling.

Lance had his knuckle’s (knuckles) firmly imprinted into the side of his cheek when the telephone beeped into life causing him to flick his head upright and bite the edge of his tongue.

I’m just calling to, well it’s probably nothing but I thought it was best to let some one (someone) know that I’m quite sure I heard some screams (nearby.) near by.

I think it would be a good idea if maybe you sent some one (someone) over here.

"Thank you(,) officer."

Jean cleared her throat and coughed loudly into the (mouthpiece.) mouth piece.

You’re the one jumping to conclusions, pal. He thought as he punched some numbers into the local radio.
You're the one jumping to conclusions, pal, he thought as he punched some numbers into the local radio.)

It’s you who’s making all the marks about the lady on the phone. And for what reason?
(It’s you who’s making all the marks about the lady on the phone. And for what reason? NOTE: Thoughts should be italicized.)

We’ll be there in (twenty-five.") twenty five."

Love? He thought.
Love? he thought.)

He felt a tinge of guilt about making blind judgments on the women (woman), as if he had somehow trespassed on her dignity without actually meeting her.

You just think you know her, his mind whispered as he snapped the door lock into place and walked out of the station, her voice reminds you of Jennifer.
(You just think you know her, his mind whispered as he snapped the door lock into place and walked out of the station. Her voice reminds you of Jennifer.)

"Jennifer’s gone.(,)" He (he) said quietly, surprising himself.

Strips of molten sunlight protruded (from) the closed curtains and he could see specs of dust float and twirl in all directions.

"The birds were singing," Lance said between (half-closed lips.) lips half closed.

The insides of his palms began to throb(,) which brought him back to the task at hand.

He grinned (and felt slightly better.) . and felt slightly better.

Besides, sitting on the balcony chair watching the dull haze of the street lights (streetlights) burn with a cigarette between my two fingers is a comforting pleasure for me.

I keep felines as my pets because they are a (delete 'a') beautiful, clean, friendly animals who hold no judgments or grudges.

She was always detached from the other cats;(,) not wanting to mingle or involve herself in any way(,) and I liked that.

Nothing really out of the ordinary;(:) a man was found with a lot of recreational drugs in his hide out on the Southside,(;) the town’s mayor was running a new campaign to promote employment of under - privileged (underprivileged) civilians, and a jogger had stumbled across a smelly old suitcase at the bottom of a bridge which contained quite a gruesome surprise(--two legs, an arm, and the "altered" remains of a woman's torso.). Two legs, an arm, and the "altered" remains of a women’s torso.

He had almost (the) identical facial features of my late husband, Richard.

Poor old Richard(.), The Big C had a strangle hold (strangehold) over his liver and lugs (lungs) and just wouldn’t let go, no matter how hard he fought.

He wasn’t a fallen soldier in the tobacco war either,(;) in fact(,) he never smoked a single cigarette in his life.

Here I am, smoking a near pack (nearly a pack) in a twelve hour (twelve-hour) day and all I get is a little rough cough now and then.

I could feel Lonesome’s moist nose tap the inside of my leg(,) which served as a convenient distraction.

The night was hot, and in the back seat (backseat) of Robby Webber’s car, she was sure things wouldn’t be cooling down any time soon.

He was playing with her pail (pale) hands, fiddling with her red fingernails gently and rubbing the inside of her palms because he knew she liked that.

"You’re 19.(,)" He (he) said after a five minute (five-minute) cocoon of silence.

"Let’s play a game.(,)" Robby said without thinking.

Robby’s eyebrow raised and his eyes rolled(,) shifted (shifting from side-to-side.) side to side.

"Road.(,)" He (he) said carelessly.

It felt like touching thin trutts (Trutts is no a word. Try 'strips') of bamboo.

"Love.(,)" She (she) said, trying not to whisper.

"Just let me kiss you.(,)" He (he) said, and leaned towards her.

Don’t ask me(,)" He (he) said.

Jesus Bobby(,) please don’t say that.

Bobby moved his backside along the back seat (backseat) closer to his girlfriend and smiled.

He began to massage her knee cap (kneecap) with his two fingers.

The muscles in his biceps tightened a (and) flexed and he was having trouble controlling his breathing pace.

"Why would you ask me that now?" He (he) managed to say.

Her teeth here (were) shiny with saliva.

It’s ok just to let your feelings go sometimes(,) Bobby.

It’s ok just to show some one (someone) how you really feel-

"Oh(,) it is?" He (he) snarled.

And you’re a professional(,) are you?

The girl with the red fingernails (drew back and her eyes bulged.) withdrew herself back and her eyes bulged.

"I think I want to go home now.(,)" She (she) said as confidently as possible.

"But don’t you want to know (how) I really feel?" Bobby was saying, but it was that alien feeling all over again.

The out of body (out-of-body) feeling, as the doctors would call it.

As the darkness closed in on him, he could hear her scream and wondered for a brief while if some one (someone) would hear her.

A few yards away from the parked car, two of Jean Sanders’s cats pranced across the sun dried (sun-dried) terrain of mixed shrub, crackling leaves and tearing up soft patches of soil.

I did find this though,(.)" Denton ducked his head out of the car and turned around, producing a wallet with a giant stripe of blood down the middle.

The young women smiling in the thumb size (thumb-size) photo didn’t much look like his wife(,) but she did have the same name.

"Jennifer O’Collin(,)" He (he) said.(,) "nineteen years old."

"Pretty girl(,)" he said(.), "I’ll organize notification."

Lance walked over to the front of the vehicle that would soon be on the front page of every news paper (newspaper) in the east coast.

"You sure are, buddy." He (he) said.
60
60
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very professionally written... filled with emotion... realistic dialogue and characters... hooks the reader right in and keeps them reading until the end, and makes them want to read more...


"Any idea, whatsoever, who she is?" (Who is talking here?)

"No...I checked her pockets for ID. None, nothing. Not even a receipt or a ticket stub."
(Who is talking here?)
61
61
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
It is evident that this is a hostile family. They are constantly accusing each other of something, yelling, and putting one another down. All the drinking doesn't help the situation either. The author showed this through dialogue. The ending was good. It proved that , no matter what, Constance did love her mother.

Consider the following when editing:


As my eyes scanned the room, the smell of cigarette smoke fired it's (its) way into my nostrils.

The small wooden table is held up on three of it's (its) original legs and two milk crates propped on top of each other.

Alright i'm (All right I'm) ready.

She sits (sets) the glass down and is picking (picks) up the cards being dealt to her.

I always loved my aunt (Aunt) Carey because I knew I was her favorite,(;) she spoiled me and I loved every minute of it.

I didn't play with Granny to (too) much.

I attempted to (I put)place the glass back in the exact position and started to walk (walked) away from the table happy I was not caught.

I had snuck sips before and I knew the effects of whatever it was in the cup the grown ups (grownups) drank, and to be honest I liked the way it made me feel.

The drink I just had would take care of that in no time as my head begun (began) to get dizzy and everything seemed to be moving quicker than usual.

I turned around to see my aunt (Aunt) Carey's glass on the floor in tiny pieces, liquor racing toward the center of my grandmother's unleveled floor.

"Did you move my glass!(?)" My aunt (Aunt) Carey yelled at Ms. Anna who looked at her as if she had been scolded by a parent.

My cousin Rodney(,) who happens to be older than me but acts like he is still in pampers (Pampers,) is smiling from ear to ear right now.


Shoot, I aint (ain't) never had this much time.

I dont think the sympathy card is gonna work this time Constance, Granny looks pretty mad and aunt (Aunt) Carey and Ms. Anna are fighting in the kitchen!


My mother is calling me but i'm (I'm) afraid if I open my mouth I will throw up.

The banging and cusing (cussing) became louder with every step.

My aunt Carey (Aunt Carey) was laughing and slapping fives with (Aunt Katrina.) my aunt Katrina.

Bye(,) ant (Aunt) Sara(.), Bye(,) Constance.

C'mon Mama, i'm (I'm) tired.

I need to get Constance home(;) it's late and I dont like walking through the park with her too late.

Now my mother know (knows) that is a bold faced (boldfaced) lie, (the) majority of the time she (she's) too drunk to know we (we're) even walking through a park.

I knew it was to (too) good to be true!

We entered our small roach infested (roach-infested) apartment and turned into our beds.

My mother (was) so angry at the outburst made by Granny (by Granny's outburst) to even think about me.

Everything okay(,) ma?

Can I sleep with you(,) ma?

Yeah(,) baby.

Constance(,) I know I havent (haven't) been the best mom in the world, but I am trying to be better(,) okay?"



62
62
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very concise, clinical writing explaining BPS precisely... a lot of medical terminology is used... The author takes the reader through the symptoms of the desease, to the diagnosis and finally the treatment of it. I have never heard of Beagle Pain Syndrome before, so I learned something new by reading this. The imagery of a beagle with this syndrome is so sad, but at least there is a cure.


Inflammation occurs in the brain
and spinal cord as well as inside and around
the small to medium sized (medium-sized) arteries throughout
the body, specifically in the extramural
coronary arteries of the heart.

It is speculated that the condition is an immune
mediated (immune-mediated) disorder due to its course of flare-
ups (exacerbations) and remissions and also
because of its response to corticosteroids
(Veterinary Pathology, July, 1995).

When the results of the thyroid test came back
negative and Dallas’s muscle pain was
increasing, the vet suspected an arthritis like (arthritis-like)
condition called Polymyositis in which the
muscles become painfully inflamed.

When we picked him up the next morning to take
him to the neurologist we were told that things
had become worse (overnight.) over night.


63
63
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
It seems like you got side-tracked in this story, Nick. The story starts with a man that has been shot, which grabs the reader's interest right off. But then, it goes on to tell of the poker game and the losers attacking him in the alley. From what I read, the man defended himself well during the attack. The story ends with a pretty lady suddenly appearing in a doorway. By the end, I was totally lost. How did this man end up in the pouring rain with a gunshot wound? What did the lady have to do with any of this?

Consider the following when editing:


One had a long scraggly beard and a beat up (beat-up) looking face. the (The) other smoked a rolled cigar down to the stub and he watched me with a dirty face that looked like it hadn't been washed in years.

He was probably a cow hand (cowhand) and thought he would try to win some money (since) he was just paid.

I usually feel sorry for people like that but when you play poker, it's cut throat(cutthroat).

Hey kid, no hard feeling's (feelings) aight?

I thought i (I) was convincing anyways (anyway), because in reality he played horribly, like it was his first time, and (for) your first time I recommend playing a friendly game so you don't lose anything.

Oh well(,) you win some you lose some i (I) guess.

It wasn't long before the last man folded, (and) I had a enormous pot of around $1,300 and a mob of unhappy men after me.

After my big win i (I) gathered my earnings and put them into my thick wool jacket, went to the bar counter and quickly swigged a glass of whiskey.

After finishing, I payed (paid) and walked out into the brisk air of a cold November night in Northern (northern) Minnesota.

I definately (definitely) wasn't paying attention as I walked passed (past) a dark alleyway, and didn't notice until i (I) was grabbed by dark figures and pushed up into the pitch black (pitch-black) alley.

"You owe us some money(,) boy!" Said (said) a gruff voice.

I could tell it was the scraggly bearded (scraggly-bearded) guy with the beatup (beat-up) face.


"Now you know we all played a fair game(,) friends! Ill (I'll) be taking my leave now(,) gentlemen.(,)" i (I) said trying to avoid the inevitable.

"We aint yer friends and you best pay up or it's gonn (gonna) get real ugly here right quick!" Threatened (threatened) another.

He made a little yelp, then (I) sent him to the ground with another hit to face.

I elbowed him full in the face as he was running at full speed for me(,) knocking him to (off) his feet, dazed.

Before anymore punches or kicks could be thrown(,) a door to one of the buildings facing the alley swung open, light pouring into the dark alley.


64
64
Review of Earth's Angels  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.0)
I found this a little hard to understand. Mr. Hatter said the children were at it again. What exactly were the children doing? He seemed to hate the children. Further on, he walks in the woods and sees where the children played and has a change of heart, it seems, which results in him opening a case to defend the children. Defend them from what? A year later a park, named Hatter Park, is built for the children. There seems to be a lot left out in this story. Perhaps you could add to it. Explain what the children were doing that caused such a reaction in Mr. Hatter.

Consider the following when editing:


Mr. Hatter hung his hat upon his hat rack (hatrack) and stepped inside his office.

She was heating up an apple cobbler(,) warm and fresh from the bakery down the street.

she (She) noticed him and jumped.

"why(Why)...Mr. Hattter, i didn't know you were coming this early."

She hurridly (hurriedly) put the apple cobbler away and sat down ready to work.

"this (This) just came from the constable..."

"yes (Yes,) yes..been expecting that.." He muttred (he muttered) and he took it and read the case.

"hmph.(Hmph,)" he said and strolled toward his desk, "looks like those darn kids on mullberry street (Mulberry Street) are at it again.(,) Thinking (thinking) that (the) forest destained (destined) to be Ace's department store should be left alone." (no quote mark here)

"Now mr(Mr Hatter,). hatter," commented his secretary, "perhaps they care about the comunity(community)?" she said hoping to grasp his attention. (Suggest: "Now, Mr Hatter," commented his secretary, hoping to grasp his attention, "perhaps they care about the community.")

"i (I) don't give a damn about those kids and i (I) never will(,)" he scoffed.

It was beautiful(,) green and heavenly, the robins chirped, and there was a creek running by.
(Consider this: It was beautiful, green and heavenly, with robins chirping and a creek nearby.)

Then he made out a rocking chair made of saplings, a prentend (pretend) stove, and (the woods seemed almost like a village.) , the woods it seemed, were almost like a village.

he (He) watched almost as if he was in a nightmare as the childrens (childrens') homes were ruined.

His mouth agape he walked home, only to stop to greet rover (Rover), his loyal dog.

That night he dreamt of angels dancing upon the ground, laughing (and having a good time playing ball.) playing, and having a good time playing ball



65
65
Review of His Hero, My Hero  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very good description of grand-daddy... It was ironic that grand-daddy sold John Booth the gun that killed President Lincoln. Even more ironic was the fact that he was there with his grand-daughter when the assasination happened. Considering all this, I can understand why he wouldn't talk about what happened at the theater. He probably blamed himself for selling Booth the gun.

Consider the following when editing:


I wasn’t allowed to anymore after he got robbed by some well known (well-known) alcoholics in the neighborhood.

One day before the robbery I was sitting quietly working on my arithmetic work and the lead of my pencil broke, when I started off into the lobby, something was stopping me from walking through the door, when I looked down I saw my grand-daddy’s brown leather loafer through the crevice of the door.
(Suggest: One day before the robbery I was sitting quietly working on my arithmetic work when the lead in my pencil broke. I started off into the lobby, but something stopped me from walking through the door. When I looked down, I saw my grand-daddy's brown leather loafer through the crevice of the door.)

"Good day(,) sir(,")." I heard an unfamiliar voice (say).

"I’m lookin’ for something...to go hunting with...me and my nephew.(")

"John. John Booth.(,)" The (the) stranger replied.

Later on that evening as he was closing up his shop when (delete 'when') he got a call from Mama Claire (saying she was sick and needed him to run by the market to get food to prepare for dinner.) , she was sick and needed him to run by the market to get food to prepare for dinner.

After we got what we needed in the market, we were going (went) up to pay and when it came our turn the cashier was looking at us weird (weirdly,) as if she couldn’t wait for us to get to her little stand.

"Good-day.(,)" Said (said) my polite grand-daddy.

"Is this a joke(,) ma’am?"

His suit was deep black (not faded), ironed to a crisp,(;) it was grand.

I saw him looking up at one of the little balcony (balconies,) looking (at) things way up high.

Baby girl(,) do you know how lucky we are to have such an honest man sitting in the same building as us???" (one question mark is sufficient.)

But every time I looked up at my grand-daddy he was looking up and (at) Mr. Lincoln.

Now, being a 31 year old (thirty-one-year-old) woman with her own two kids(,) I realize that my grandfather witnessed the murder of his biggest hero, President Abraham Lincoln.

When he died, his last words to me were(,) "We’re not so different, me and Lincoln(, both honest, hardworking, odd-looking good men.) . Both honest, and hard working, both odd looking, and both good men.


66
66
Review of Maggie  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.5)
Some things I found to be unrealistic. For instance, Maggie doing the bills. Then again, she does seem to be intellectually gifted, so maybe she could know how to do the bills. I liked the rapport between her and her uncle. The last paragraph seemed out of place somehow. Although I did get a chuckle out her trying to mail her brussels sprouts to the hungry children in Africa! *Delight*


Swaziland was the smallest with (delete 'with') , so she figured that was a good place to start.

When Maggie closed the frig (fridge) to hand Uncle Harvey the barbecue sauce, she noticed that he had put on a pink flowered apron.

67
67
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is great! you give a very concise, detailed set of instructions on repainting the doll's face. I never knew you could repaint a Barbie! It sounds easy enough to do. I liked the way you listed web pages, and where you can get the supplies needed for the task. This is very informative! *Thumbsup*
68
68
Review of It was 1959.  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Interesting episode in the life of two teens... I think you could liven this up a bit. Except for the ending, it was a bit dull. Perhaps you could add some dialogue, or other scenes of what they did prior to the man in the garbage can. I thought your description of cut-outs was great. I had never heard of that before. Learned something new...*Wink*


This was way before WWF or what ever (whatever) other group calls themselves today that puts on entertainment and calls it wrestling.

We took to driving up and down some of the streets off the main road of Lorain (Avenue.) avenue.

No cars parked on the street as garbage day is tomorrow and the city forbid (forbids) parking as it blocked the trucks picking up trash.









69
69
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Full of intrigue... grips the reader's interest right from the start... It is obvious the author did much research when writing this. Sofia is the pawn in a terrorist plot to obtain information from the US government. The reader experiences real terror for the young child and wonders what her father will do. Very well written... *Thumbsup*

Some things to consider when editing:


The threat of terrorism still lingered in the back of their minds, but the (they) staunchly believed that years of hard work had made the country safer by a hundred-fold.

A little girl called (deleted 'call') in a knitted parka yelled Sofia’s name across the parking lot.

Husam Ahmed was guarding Asad from curious passerby (passersby), glaring at everyone who walked down the bustling sidewalk in downtown Toronto, Canada.

Thousand (Thousands) of my people are killed everyday by these cold men.
70
70
Review of Wynona  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very intense story... I not only felt her fear and pain, I was right there with her throwing clothes in the bag and mindlessly leaping from the window, not caring if I lived or died at that point. Anything would be better than the abuse. I cried at the end. It seemed so unfair... Good job! *Thumbsup*
71
71
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I felt this was written from the heart. It is packed with emotions. Sometimes we don't always see what's right in front of us... and we all make mistakes. It was nice to see that she finally realized what was waiting for her in Jake, her best friend, her soul mate. Some people never see the forest for the trees. *Thumbsup*


We left the town and headed out into a pasture not to (too) far out.

He was not much older than me, early to (mid-twenties) mid twenties, but he had such an age about him, perhaps it was his intense independence.
72
72
Review of Sticky Kiss  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.5)
Debbie gives her mom a very detailed account of her first date with the new man in her life. Reading it, puts you in a carnival mood and makes you wish you were up on that Ferris Wheel yourself.

Some things to consider when editing:


Debbie said(,) "It started with a sticky kiss and progressed to salt and vinegar(.")".


Emily was in high spirits, apart form (from) having her daughter to stay she had just managed to get the last item in the outfit she had first set her heart on, way back in September when the Autumn stock came in.

"Yes, with double helpings of cream, we’re celebrating(.")".


Only the very best of fresh home baked (home-baked) delights were good enough for the Cream Bun Café.

For what seemed like a life time (lifetime) I just stood there then said(,) 'Fine, great(.)' Paul went back into his office and I saw him go to the Personnel records file and read something.

"Yes(.)"

"No second thoughts?(")

"Getting some verbal out here, but no(.)"

"Good. Pick you up at eight fifteen(.)"

"Fine, I’ll be ready(.)"

"Oh, and Debbie, I heard you saying how much to (Delete 'to' add 'you') loved Fun Fairs - me too. It will be fun(.)"

"And it was." (And it was.)

"(No quote marks here) At exactly eight fifteen (eight-fifteen) he rang the bell(.) "Hi, taxi to the Fun Fair for Miss McDonald(.)"

So I just said, "Hit the road and burn some rubber(,) Mr Schumacher(.)" Which we did.

"But what’s all that about salt and vinegar(,)" questioned Barbara who had been (eavesdropping.) eves dropping.


There where (were) bound to be nights when we would have chips on the way home so could I put the salt and vinegar set we won at the Fun Fair in the front pocket.



73
73
Review of Wax  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This contains a few unexpected twists and turns. As the story unfolds, the content becomes shocking as the true mixture of the candles is revealed. At one point, Janie turns into Mrs. Canaday... or so it seemed. The ending will have you looking at candles in a whole different way in the future.


Jamie’s (Janie's) eyes lit up at the sight of the candle.

Janie followed Ms. Canaday to the kitchen, though she was weary (wary) of Ms. Canaday’s intents.

As Janie turned back around, a cream colored (cream-colored) candle caught her eye.
74
74
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.5)
The opening of this story and the ending of it has left me confused. In the beginning, a man had the Penny in his possession, a penny that had belonged to his father. But as the story progressed, a woman named Carla makes an appearance and she has the Penny in her possession. How did Carla get the coin? Is it even the same coin?? The fact that she uses this penny to lure Michael back to her makes the reader want to read more. Will he submit to the power of the penny?

Consider the following when editing:

You need to put a blank line between paragraphs for ease of reading.

I'm sure it has participated in countless transactions; the little girl's dress kept neat and hung only for Sunday service; the shoes of a boy that some how (somehow) ended up in the shore waters of the Pacific; the change from a cash box in a tavern that ended up in the waitresses tip jar that came from the machinist with black stained (black-stained) fingers who worked the never-ending weeks in his ear-wrenching shop.

As he walked to the door she turned and glances (glanced) at his curved back hearing in her head, "the ones with the least leave the most".

The center was laid out with enough furniture to make you think you (delete 'you') it was a furniture store.

"Good evening(,) Mr. Sterling," the doorman said.

"Good night(,) John," he replied with a smile.

Making his way through the quiet half empty (half-empty) cement structure to his car he passed a tall dark haired (dark-haired) woman.

Except for the slight tension of meeting a stranger in the parking garage he could tell she would command attention in what ever (whatever) it was she did.

"Good evening(,) Mr. Sterling(,) what can I get for you?"

"How you doing tonight(,) Mike?"

He heading (headed) over to the other end of the bar to mix her drink.

After an hour went by Alan stood up and leaning towards Michael and (delete 'and') said, "You had better stay away from that one."

She seemed to hold on for a long time or maybe it (was) he who held on, he wasn't sure and didn't much care.

"This can be a lonely place if you don't know any one (anyone)," he said.

"Walk me out then(,) Michael?"

She smiled and said, "Come on(,) Michael."

Would you mind driving me home(,) Michael?"

Well, again, it was nice to meet you(,) Carla.

"Thank you(,) Michael."

She walked over to the couch and sat down(, slipping off her shoes and laying her head back to relax.) . Slipping off her shoes and laying her head back to relax.

She would use this power as she had before to acquire what ever (whatever) she wanted.



75
75
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading this. I was really hoping Maria's star would win. I was saddened by Maria's death. The ending was wonderful.

You should put a blank line between paragraphs for ease of reading.

Anyway, Let’s (let's) just take the wagon, wheel the star out somewhere--and just leave it there," Maria said.
248 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 10 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sashi/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3