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76
76
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story is sure to make you grin. It is a light-hearted, amusing tale of a pup named Ska-ruffy and his narcoleptic pal Poolee. I enjoyed reading this. It would make a great children's story.

Consider the following when editing:

His highly selective owners kept only the best of bred (breed)in their well healed (well-heeled) home.

One dark night, near an old junk yard (junkyard) that snaked along the muddy banks of a foul smelling (foul-smelling) river on the outskirts of a very rough part of town, something slithered out of the fog.

The tinted window closed up squeaky tight, and left the two pups out (in) the damp night air.

But, there they were, a wire haired (wire-haired) terrier and a passed out poodle being barked at by a pack of junk yard (junkyard) dogs.

Ska-ruffy knew that he and his passed out pal would need to make friend (friends) with these formidable frothing canines, or else.

Ska-ruffy (Sks-ruffy's) heart raced.

Ska-fuffy, had no direct experience with a situation like this, but he knew if he was able to get them to stop barking and make them laugh he and his helpless pal would have a chance.
(Suggest: Ska-ruffy, who had no direct experience with a situation like this, knew that if he was able to get them to stop barking and make them laugh, he and his hapless pal would have a chance.)

“Say you boys look tense,” Ska-ruffy said in as confident (a) tone as a petrified puppy could muster.

Could any of you use a good (massage) message?

The Rotweiler, who did not look like the smartest but was by just a hair, stopped his bad attitude bark and thought to himslef,(himself,) “Ya know I am kind of tense, a message (massage) sounds good.”

One of the other nasty dog (dogs) heard “big thick neck of yours”, and it got his funny dog bones a laughing.

“My buddy here gives the best massages(.)”

Ska-ruffy knew he and his narcoleptic side kick (sidekick) were in the clear.

"Once you get them laughing they won’t eat the entertainment(,")”, he thought.

His first full time (full-time) meal ticket was as a pot washer at a fancy French Vietnamese restaurant, the Ho Chi Mignon.

It reminded him of the happy days back at his well groomed birth place, where he would playfully romp with his liter (litter) buds.

Poolee, like most poodles was breed (bred) for high society, but he preferred to stay in the shadows and off the fairways.

Poolee got plenty of rich high brow (highbrow) scrapes (scraps) and laid low.
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77
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This takes you on a very well choreographed journey through the bayou with great imagery. It is an ending to years of abuse, and hopefully a new beginning for a girl and her brother. Well written... *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:

Grief, rage, pain, and sorrow mingled with the night-blooming jasmine scented (jasmine-scented) air, turning the gentle fragrance sickly sweet and bitter.

The human eye was a tricky thin (thing) however; always drawn to what it shouldn’t see.

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t realized the antipathy her mother harbored towards her, it was just that (he didn't) realize how deeply it ran, how twisted her mother’s mind had become.

Loamy earth squished and burped around them as Ella clambered out of the pirogue, watching her father secured (secure) the pirogue to a tree with a length of rope.

"But Papa-," ("But Papa--")

Her eyes fixated on the sheet-wrapped body as it slowly sand (sank) into the muddy water.


78
78
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.0)
I had trouble following the gist of this story. I think it was because in the beginning you said Nora was found in the orchard at age 24 and Dame was 39. This, of course, made him older than her. It took awhile to realize that the Dame she was waiting for now was not the 39-year old....or was he? *Confused* Was the 39-year old Dame the son at age 39... or was the 39-yr. old Dame the father of the Dame that showed up at 10am.? I am soooo confused. One thing is for sure, though. She was waiting for her son to finally come home... whichever Dame he was. You painted a good picture of Dame's anxiety about meeting Nora.

Consider the following when editing:


"You could have died of pneumonia",(,") said Kathleen.

In the village they talked for a little while, (like they tend to do.) "like they tend to do",

Dame, at thirty-nine years of age had worked as an office clerk, a bartender, he once drove a taxi for a few months and now, for the past seven had been employed as a civil servant.
(Suggest: Dame, at thirty-nine years of age, had worked as an office clerk, a bartender, once drove a taxi for a few months and now, for the past seven years, had been employed as a civil servant.)

It was almost seven by the time she stuttered (staggered) to the kitchen, boiled a kettle, toasted bread and threw it all in the bin.

Her sister who she had tried to convince to stay over, to sleep in the study, “in case he shows early Kathleen that’s all” was to arrive by eight, and Dame, Dame had written and said he would call ‘in and around ten’, and he had signed the letter in beautiful liquid ink, ‘Hopefully Yours’, and post-scripted an apology in tender language, and there was nothing it seemed in the kitchen but the clock on the wall that ticked and never tocked.
(Long sentence. consider this: Her sister, whom she had tried to convince to stay over and sleep in the study just in case he showed up early, was to arrive by eight. And Dame had written and said he would call in around ten and had signed the letter "Hopefully Yours" in beautiful liquid ink with a post-scripted apology in tender language. There was nothing in the kitchen it seemed except the clock on the wall that ticked and never tocked.)

And in the kitchen Dames (Dame's) wife breezed in.

And at eight o’clock he sat (behind the wheel in the bottle-green car in the driveway and considered it for a moment.) in the bottle green car behind the wheel in the driveway and considered it for a moment.

And hoped... that all, for the most part(,) would be well(, but how was he to know?) and but how was he to know.

A café(, which sat out on the pavement nudging the road, was busy and dark, but by half past eight had quieted to only him and a young man who read a broadsheet paper and tried to look older than he was.) that sat out on the pavement nudged towards the road was busy and dark, but by half past had quietened to only he and a young man who read a broadsheet paper and tried to look older than he was.

He pulled a face into the pushchair, and the baby smiled and stopped crying for a little moment, and his mothers (mother's) face lifted as the brief ceasefire took hold.

Dame read a tabloid, he tried to eat, he paid at the counter, he used the last of his loose change to tip the waitress who smiled and was pleasant, he took the ticket from his windshield, he placed it in the glove box with not a hint of annoyance and he drove away.
(Consider: Dame read a tabloid, tried to eat, paid at the counter, and used the last of his change to tip the waitress, who smiled and was pleasant. He took the ticket from his windshield, got in the car and placed it in the glove box without a hint of annoyance then drove away.)

Nora pulled a hanky from her chest pocket and folded it together(,) creased and perfect(,) and replaced it.

"Jesus(,)" she muttered into (to) herself and to Nora(,) who smiled and felt sicker the longer it went on.

She stacked them in neat piles and put them all in bags and took the bus and went to ( the bank in town. When the young woman behind the counter saw her coming, clinking and rattling along, she had that look on her face.) town, into the bank and when the young woman behind the counter seen her coming, clinking and rattling along, she had that look on her face.

And Nora smiled awkward (awkwardly) as the coins were counted again(.), all (For) twenty minutes (she stood grinning like an old fool as the young woman's eyes reached for the ceiling over and over again.) long she stood grinning like an old fool as the young woman’s eyes reached for the ceiling over and over.

He lit a cigarette(,) leaving only three in the pack(,) and cracked the window.

He would take a right at the red roofed (red-roofed) barn and turn down the hill, down towards the house.

She shivered worse and could feel in her stomach it was all about to come together, and everyone would know soon one way or the other and how that didn’t bother her, not in the littlest way(.) And now all she could think was (whether he looked like her, and that he probably never did.) , will he look like me and that probably he never did not.

She turned the corner onto Toll Street (and passed the postman, the bus stop, a bottle-green car and two school children who jumped the fence and ran up the trail to spend the day in the orchard swinging at ruby piñatas still to ripe to eat.) , she passed the postman, the bus stop, a bottle green car and two school children who jumped the fence and ran up the trail to spend the day in the orchard swinging at the ruby piñatas still too ripe to eat.
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Review of Tears  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Powerful message in this poem... it tears at your heart. The emotions run wild, and you will find yourself crying at the end. *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:

like broken (raindrops.) rain drops

they (They) hit the ground as tears of fear(.)

she (She) sits there at night
in the dark corner of her bedroom(,)
a light laminating (I don't think this is the right word. consider: emanating) from under her door(.)

she (She) sits in fear
that a dark, massive creature
will come back for her(,)
to hit her, to injure her(,)
to make her beg for him to stop(.)

As she sits there in the corner,
she sees the light from under her door
flash and her body starts to tremble(.)

But then she hears the door open
and she starts crying
as he throws the covers back(.)

she (She) screams(,) "NO daddy, no more(, please.") Please."
And he strokes her hair and says(,)
"I'm sorry(.) I won't do it anymore(,) baby."

She wraps her arms around him
and he hugs her for a sec(,) then
he says(, ")I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!(")

And then a big thud.(,)
As (as) he hits the ground.

And the girl says(,) "look (Look) mommy(,) its (it's)daddy(.)"

And she says(, "Mommy, is that me?") mommy is that me?"

Mommy takes her daughters (daughter's) hand
80
80
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a cute story...and amusing. I could just picture this cat sneaking out at night to go to a bar, then getting into a brawl. *Laugh* Even more amusing was the way the Lady of the Manor defended her guilty cat. *Shock*

Some things to consider when editing:

The cat purred sweetly, stunk (slunk) stealthily down the window sill, slithered behind the rose bushes, and crawled out of the fence ...

He inspected the toes and nails of the cat,(.) the (The) cat lay still, not a twitter nor a meow.

The lady was surprise,(surprised and stared at the still cat.) and stared at the still cat.

The lady, was amazed, it is so unlike the cat, it did not even whimper ...
(Suggest: The lady was amazed. It was so unlike the cat to not even whimper.)

The cat peeped at the officer from the corner of its half closed (half-closed) eyes.

Enough ... you pretty cheat, stop that play acting (playacting) and up u (you) get ...





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Review of Whzzzzz-click.  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very well done... Jake is a very troubled boy. I would say he definitely needs professional help to deal with his feelings. His mother doesn't seem to be much help. Jake is crying out for help, and she doesn't hear him. That is so sad. This time, it was pretend, but the next time he might really do it. Good job! *Thumbsup*
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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This sounds like someone relating a dream. Is it? Yet it held my interest enough to keep reading in order to see where this was going. Why did the sky change color? Why is the city falling apart? And where are all the people? The hook came with the ckk-ck of the pistol being cocked. My heart rate accelerated with fear as I felt his sheer terror. Can't wait to see who is holding that gun...
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Review of THE CATCHERS  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Looks like the rugby team took on more than they bargained for.*Laugh* It took carefully laid plans to catch those dang turkeys. I have to give them credit for sticking the job out to the end. *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:


That’s why we herded em into the shed(.)"

Ryan couldn’t see a thing through the cloud cover of feathers and dust in the noisy, crowded hut(,) but he recognised the voice of the bloke who was paying them twenty five (twenty-five) bucks an hour for two day’s work.

Got a deadline to meet(.")".

Two twelve- hour days at twenty five (twenty-five) an hour.

This time, when she tightened her satin dressing gown and sighed(she said,) "I told you kid, I don’t take charity cases(.")"

The music he was writing in his head drowned out the basso profundo of Big Billy, jersey number one, giant front -row forward and the undisputed maths (math) brains of the outfit.

Now that’s serious bread(.")".

The deep, macho voice that reeled the girls in repeated itself,
"really (REally) serious bread(.") ".

"Turkeys, you stupid bastards, I’m just talking about turkeys(.")".

It takes teamwork(.")".

The farmer’s sun-cracked face smiled at the big city boy(.), "that’s (That's) why I want a winning team for the job(.")".

I’ll set up the camp, but you’ll have to cook for yourselves(.")".

"Fine with us(,)." answered the smiling seventeen-year-old.

"We’re being paid by the hour Billy(.")".

"So? If I get my thirty Christmas dinners onto the truck who’s gonna tell the farmer I went AWOl (AWOL) for a few beers?

"Might miss the bus though Bill(.")".

But only because all fifteen members of the team were outside, sprawled on the hard, dry ground and eight hundred and ninety eight (ninety-eight) turkeys were still free inside the shed.

"And one of those walked in by itself(.")".

We can’t handle this(.")".

"What’s the sum again(,) Bill?"

Twenty four (Twenty-four) hours, two and a half turkeys each per hour.

Now it’s twenty three (twenty-three) hours, eight hundred and ninety eight (ninety-eight) professional heavyweights divided by fifteen amateurs, equals we’re ******, like Pete said.

"Just do the new bloody sum(,) Bill."

That means we’re already behind by over thirty five (thirty-five) of Big Bird’s cousins.".(delete the period)

Oh Yeah (yeah,) just eight hundred and ninety eight (ninety-eight) tries.

Unless you plan to drop kick (drop-kick) the buggers all the way into those cages.

Pete smiled at the crazy though (thought) of such sweet revenge and sucked at the loose flap of skin on his hand.

Ryan was on his feet now(,) urging them on to success,(no comma here) the way he did so passionately in the locker room before their matches.

They’ve taken command of that shed(.), it’s (It's) become their home ground(.), now (Now) we’re disadvantaged, we’re in an away game.

Those talons are dangerous(.)" he (He) looked down at his crotch and winced at the memory.

"And they bite(.)" Pete waved his injury under their noses.

The rest had to settle for (lukewarm) luke warm.

How many in the cages.(delete the period)?

Five hours, it (it's) a miracle we’re still alive.
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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nicely done, Anita. you paint a vivid picture of the rain and wind and the seashore. Kit must have been lonely with only imaginary friends to play with. Getting real live friends for his tenth birthday was the greatest present he could get. I liked the ending. It is so true that age, appearances and status in life doesn't matter a whit as far as friendships are concerned.

Consider the following when editing:


Kit never-minded (never minded) being left alone, in fact he liked it, liked the freedom to roam, to create a world of his own.

He was enjoying the weather(,) the perfect weather for such a day in his life.

As Kit walked out of their little cozy home with a full mouth of his birthday apple pie that his mother baked for the occasion, he headed for the sea shore (seashore)- his favorite place.
85
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Review by Sashi
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
You set the background well for this story. Typical young teens going to class, having crushes on boys, excitement at the coming Halloween party... Nice description of the house in the beginning paragraph. I found the dialogue to be consistent with the age group. One thing I found a bit unrealistic was the fact that Cathy left to go upstairs with Sean, whom she only knew for mere minutes. Maybe if she'd spent hours dancing with him first, it'd make more sense, but as it is he was a stranger--not even from her school. I think she'd be leery of leaving with him. *Confused* The last few sentences, where it says she couldn't speak any longer. Was that a permanent condition from that day forward?

Consider the following when editing:


It's huge form was lurching (Did you mean to say 'lurking'?) as if it would swallow you up rather than let you pass.

Rickety shingles lifted up and rattled everytime (every time) the wind blew.

Screetching (Screeching) and shreaking (shrieking) , the house played out it's (its) own terrifying tune as it sat above the world around it.

Cathy and her friends had to walk past it everytime (every time) they traveled the road for school.

Her best friend(,) Lisa, would tease her because she would always shiver when they took their rout (the route) that went through the yard.

It cut about twenty minutes off of thier (their) time if they went straight through.

But she was afriad they would just pick on for it. Calling her a scardy cat or something of the same effect.
(Suggest: But she was afraid they would just pick on her for it, calling her a scaredy cat.)

She was quite pudgy and when she smiled, you could tell her teeth were a little crooked(, not to mention that her glasses were thick-lensed and way too big for her round face.) . Not to mention that her glasses were thick lensed and way too big for her round face.

But even thought (though) she didn't like the way she looked, she figured her friends must not mind, so that always made her feel a little better.

She started fighting back at the one's (ones) who taunted her.

And now she supposed that had been the best thing that could ahve (have) ever happened to her.

She loved his dark, thick, curly hair and the way it gleamed in the sunlight and his rosey cheeks shown (shone) like jewels in the snow against his fair skin.

Her friends raced inside and she folled (followed), not even daring a second glance back at the boy of her dreams.

Ah, Mr. Marks could you please put away your lunch sack as exciting as it's (its) contents may be, and pay attention(,)" he spoke in his pleasant voice.

The way his voice twinkled ina (in a) rythmic tune everytime (every time) he spoke.

And as he turned to write on the blackboard, Lisa leaned over and whispered to Cathy(,) "hey(Hey), Cat, I saw how you were looking at Pauly today, do you like him or something(?)"

Cathy's face deepend from it's (its) usual pink tint to a bright red shade.

Come on you can tell me, I swear(.")".

Lisa smiled and shrugged her shoulders(.) , "I guess I was just seeing things(,") ", then in a louder voice she (delete 'she') asked Cathy if she wanted to go to the party at Christie's house next week.

"Pauly's going to be there, but I know you doin't (don't) care", Lisa siad (said) with a grin on her face.

"Pauly's going to be there, but I know you doin't (don't) care(,")", Lisa siad (said) with a grin on her face.

"Well, he is cool(,)" Cathy said in a low voice thick with shy embarassment.

You haven't said anything the whole time we have been here(,)" Lisa said in a loud shout.

I really need to study(,")", she shrugged and tried to cover her embarassment.

Releived (Relieved), Cathy joined in the conversation and found that they were all talking about Christie's Halloween party friday night.

I heard that her dad has keys to the gum (gym) because her parents donate so much money during the school year(.")".

"Nah, they aren't going to give him a key just for that. I think it's going to be at the old Maple Mansion(.")".

"I thougth (thought) he would want to know(,)" she had said factually.

(")Cathy, you probably don't know this, but that place is haunted(.)" everyone (Everyone) shook their heads in (agreement.) agreence.

I heard that now she is in the looney bin(,)" she said with a far-away look in her eye.

"Lisa, how come everyone is so scared of the Maple house(?)" Cathy asked her friend quietly.

After she put her back pack down and checked to see if they had recieved any calls she went to her brothers (brother's) room to see that he was playing a playstation game.

He looked up after pausing his game(.), "ten ("Ten) minutes ago(,) I think. You want to see what I made in art class today? It's really cool!" he (He) beamed happily.

Cathy cringed and then spoke, "Hey, Jess this is Cat, I wanted to ask you about the Maple Mansion(.")".

Are you there Jessy?" she tentively (tentatively) asked.

"Yeah, I'm here(,)" Jessy responded.

"Yeah, Alex, I'm good, heh(.)" she (She) struggled a (to) smile.

Then she dismissed most of it as just crazy talk because there's no way all that could have really happened(.) , "is (Is) it?" she asked herself aloud.

"Well nothing except that it's been empty for a really long time(.")".

She repeated everything she had heard from Jessy earlier in teh (the) day.

He smiled and spoke, "honey ("Honey), you know how childern are.

They frighten their selves (themselves) with the stories they concoct.

"Well, her family has been here since the beginning of WWII, but I think she said she's been living here since she was two(.")".

Her father held his chin for a moment(.) "and (And) how old is she now? About your age, right?" he asked her.

So that's eleven years(, Dad.) dad.

That's along (a long) time.

And her brother, he's eighteen, and he told her that alot (a lot) of stuff has happend too.

Well I looked up the town and never saw any headlines even close to any of that(.")".

And really to be honest (And to be really honest) she felt better hearing that the grusome (gruesome) murders were just a made up (made-up) story that her friends had heard for so long tha tthey (that they) started to believe (it.).

She felt better knowing that if she were allowed to go to the Halloween party next week seh (she) wouldn't be attending it at a place that housed the tortured souls of murdered town's people.

And as she drifted off to sleep, the face of her crush rinally (finally) made it's (its) way back to the for front (forefront) of her mind.

The says (days) seemed to fly by and friday (Friday) was now only a day away.

Occupied with loads of school work and home work (homework) and the busy chatter of the friends she surrounded herself with, she was actually looking forward to the party.

Lisa later whispered in her ear(,) "I know Pauly will love it!" (Cathy smiled and replied, "I sure hope so!") and Cathy smiled and replied "I sure hope so".

He had come with a date but she didn't know the girls' (girl's) name.

So she accepted his hand and they assended (ascended) the long stairs to the bedrooms above.

I know she was dancing with you(.")".

Pauly turned towards her and replied(,) "well ("Well), I was, but then some dude came and broke in(.), she (She) was dancing with him last time I saw her(.")".

He was the one that murdered his family here(,")", Christie said frightfully.

"Cat, I can't believe you went off with him like that, I was scared to death(.")".

He said how glad he was to see her and that she was (all right.) alright.

It was already bruised a deep purple starting to swell, made by Sean's heated grip only a few moments earlier. "
(Consider this: The bruise, made by Sean's heated grip only a few moments earlier, was already a deep purple and starting to swell.)

Did he do that to you(,) Cathy?

He killed them three years ago on this day, October, friday (Friday) the thirteenth.

Cathy gaspt (gasped) and started to scream but no sound came out.

Right then she turned to see the police walking the cuffed boy out of the house and then to the potrol (patrol) car.



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Review of Free  
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice rescue story, and you told it well. Most people probably would have called the Humane society or something to get the bird out. She had the courage to try to free the bird herself, and it worked. Thanks for sharing this story. *Delight*


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Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is very clever writing, Joe. I loved the storyline. It is extremely well written, and I found no errors. *Delight* Imagine if that really happened? One toy for each child every year--not to mention the SAME toy each year. Now I realize Santa was out of a job when the new law was enacted, but I think he could have found a better job than what he ended up with. *Laugh* But, perhaps he always had a tendency for that sort of thing. Now the ending left me hanging. I'm wondering about that perverted Leprechaun luring children over the rainbow! Good job! *Thumbsup*
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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the way you wrote this as a newsman reporting the news. And the fact that you state Iscariot wondered why no one worshiped at his sister's door, since she just had a child too, gives a certain reality to it all. Obviously some people wondered what was so special about that particular child. I'm sure there were many skeptics. I enjoyed this article.


"We have been studying the prophecy for many years, but we never actually thought (we'd see it fulfilled in our lifetime.) . We’d see it fulfilled in our lifetime."


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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very descriptive account of life on a farm(?) from a child's POV... I have a few questions. First, would an eight-year-old child be able to saddle a horse? Horses are pretty tall, as far as I know, and saddles are heavy. Also, the saddle cinch broke as they went down the trail. If the cinch was broken, how could it be tied so that it still fit the girth of the horse? *Confused*

Consider the following when editing:


The morning was cold but bright as the sun rose over the ridge on the east bank of Carter creek (Creek.), I kicked snow clumps as I walked to the barn, milk pail in hand, for the morning milking.

What a wonderful treasure to an eight year old (eight-year0old) boy, to have a horse to call his own.

I knew my Uncle buster (Buster) was my favorite cowboy in the world and Grandma was my favorite horse.

I have two in the truck that are tore up pretty bad so we will have to treat them before breakfast(.") ".

We put them in the lambing shed to protect them from the weather and fed them fresh second cutting (second-cutting) hay and fresh clean water.

He smiled as he put his arm on my shoulder and said(,). "That’s a good idea.

Mom would send a note with my Brother (brother), for my teacher.

"We’ll ride up past the talc mine and follow the ridge, (no comma here) to check the east side of the pasture(.), when (When) we get to the south fence you can ride Grandma down the sheep trail to the creek.

I will take Mr. Dusty and ride up through the old cabin at the cow camp and I will (delete 'I will') meet you at the gate on the creek.

Dusty broke the trail through the bright glistening snow and I followed closely behind on my sweet sure footed (sure-footed) mare.

I rode along the trail past snow covered (snow-covered) sage brush and listened to the breeze blowing the branches of the pine trees.


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Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This gave me a great insight into the workings of a ranch. I learned a lot about birthing calves, tagging, etc. This family seemed to be a very loving one, and they work as a team. You did a good job describing how a ranch works. How old is Cayleen, by the way? I don't think you said. I found this to be very interesting. WRITE ON!

Consider the following when editing:

Cayleen flashed a big smile at Daddy and said, “Can I go out to calve with you today?(")

Daddy smiled and said(,) “You sure can Dolly, we will have a great time and I can sure use the help.

Daddy told Cayleen, A ("A)heifer is a first time (first-time) mother cow.

As she ran and jumped in to (into) the pickup the cows began to run toward them.

Dad guided the pickup near the first Pair (pair) and jumped from the truck to grab the calf.

Mom took Cayleens (Cayleen's) hand and led her near so she could see.

He handed the microphone to Mom (and) they all sat back and listened as she sang.

When Mom finished singing, Brian loaded “Amarillo by Morning” and it was Dads (Dad's) turn.

He set the head gate with just enough opening to let the cows (cow's) head in.

The Calf (calf) started breathing and in no time at all shook his head.

Cayleen smiled and hugged her Daddy as she watched the new born (newborn) calf struggle to stand.

AAs they headed to the house for lunch, Mom smiled at Cayleen and said(,) “You sure are good help, Dolly Love(.")”.

Brian pulled up along side (alongside) them, riding a four wheel (four-wheel) ATV.

This was (a) great help because Dad could make the tags before he got to the calving pasture.

Dad smiled as he thought about how proud he was of his Son (son.).
91
91
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.5)
You wrote this well. It certainly held my attention. I can see now where my cat learned all her 'tricks.' She must have one of those 'Cat Guides' hidden around here somewhere. *Delight* I think she learned the 'blame it on the dog' trick especially well. I believe now that I've been blaming the poor dog for the cat's doings. hmmm... This was so enlighting. thanks for sharing. Write On!


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92
92
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Awww... this is really sweet. There's nothing like the wonder of Christmas through a child's eyes. They are so curious about Santa, and will do anything to catch a glimpse of him. I must say the father went to a lot of trouble, going out the back door and in the front door! *Laugh* I enjoyed reading this.


Looking his bear in the eye, he whispered(,) "It might be Santa, so don’t make a sound(,) okay?"

Stopping he peered through the banister rails while holding his bear to (so) Growly could see too.

Stripping off the Santa suit, hiding it again in the basement, he went up stairs (upstairs) quietly and slipped into bed.

"You made enough noise(,) didn’t you(?"), " his wife asked him with a slight smile.



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93
93
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
What an adorable tale! Mr. Wobbles can't find his hug. Children will just LOVE this story. The dialogue between the toys on the shelf is well done. Prickles was pretty smart for a toy porcupine and solved the case of the missing hug very well indeed. *Delight* *Thumbsup*

Some things to consider when editing:


It wasn’t really a big one - sort of medium sized (medium-sized), and very warm.

Try again(,) Custer.

"That’s right(,) isn’t it?"

And what makes you think it is yours, Mr Wobble(?") ."

At this challenge Mr Wobble collapsed further into Custer’s lap. Hoping to be smothered by the comforting feathers and to disappear from the steely gaze of Prickles.
(Suggest: At this challenge Mr. Wobble collapsed further into Custer's lap, hoping to be smothered by the comforting feathers and to disappear from the steely gaze of Prickles.)

What’s he saying(,) Chilly?

He watched as feathers and fur shook gently from (side-to-side.) side to side.

Then Chilly began to shake, Mr Wobbled (Wobble) wobbled furiously and even Custer had to stifle a giggle.

"Mr Wobble(,) you need to look inside yourself to find your Hug."

"Come here, Mr Wobble(,)" said Prickles.

Gabby stiffened(.), "Watch out," she whispered to Mr Wobble.

"Now put you (your) arms round me," said Prickles.

Hold on(,) Mr Wobble.

"Don’t thank me," he said nodding off, "it’s your Hug - thank your self (yourself.") ."



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94
94
Review of The Prodigal  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a powerful story, Scott. Well written and coherent... good character development and realistic dialogue throughout. It flowed along at a good pace. This contains a few twists that I certainly wasn't expecting, but I believe it enhanced the story. Good job! *Thumbsup*


She wore a knee-length plaid skirt and knee high (knee-high) black leather boots with a low heel.

To my real life (real-life) angel and inspiration, Debbie.

They entered the second of two doors at the back of the three car (three-car) garage, which opened into a one car (one-car) bay.

The music from the five piece (five-piece) band on the platform issued from the speakers, reverberating through the cavernous space as they found seats near the front of the sanctuary.

"If you would please turn your bibles (Bibles) to Luke chapter fifteen, verse twenty."



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95
95
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice bit of fantasy... Children love hearing about fairies and magic. *Delight* Nice description of the fairy... I'm not sure about the double ending, though. Obviously the reader is suppose to choose the ending they prefer. Ending One makes sense, since I would imagine the two children would discuss what they wished for with one another. On the other hand, that Dogbit sounds rather cute! Certainly sounds like something a fairy would come up with. *Laugh*

Consider the following when editing:

Sheppey(,) the family dog(,) enjoyed chasing the stones into the water and trying to find them.

Poppet had an idea(.) "Why don’t we ask Mum and Dad for a puppy for Christmas(?") ."

"Yeah(,) let’s(,)" said Teddy.

"We’ve already got your Christmas presents and puppies cost a lot of money(,)" explained Mum.

The Christmas Holidays arrived and Mum asked them to take Speedy, the family donkey(,) up to the clearing in the forest and collect wood for the fire.

Flighty, the mountain eagle(,) circled high (overhead.) over head.

"What’s wrong(?)" said (asked) Poppet(.)

"Oh dear me. What am I going to do?" The (the) wee man said between big sobs.

"I am a Fairy and grown ups (grownups) are not allowed to see me.(need a space here)I have to be invisible, but I suppose it’s alright (all right) for children to see me(.)"

Poppet, who knew a bit about fairies said(,) "I thought fairies just had to wish and dinner would appear(.)"

Teddy said(,) "Maybe we could save you some of our dinner(.)"

"Would you do that(?), I’d be ever so grateful(.)"

"We could hide some in a paper bag and bring it up here after our dinner(,)" said Poppet.

Finally,after what seemed ages to Poppet and Teddy he said(,) "I’ve got it, I’ve got it(!)"

" (no space here)On New Years Eve I get my next year’s 100 wishes. If you make a wish, I’ll use my first wish to make your wish come true(.)"


"Don’t tell me your wish(,) just hold hands, look into my eyes and make your wish. I’ll know what it is(.)"

They held hands, looked into the fairies (fairy's) eyes and made a wish.

They probably wouldn’t believe them(.) , besides (Besides) if their wish was to come true(,) they had to find a way to sneak some of their Christmas dinner into bags and get it up to the Special tree.

Mum always made an extra big Christmas dinner(,) and this year Poppet and Teddy ate it all up(,) even the Brussel sprouts (brussels sprouts) and asked for seconds.

Oh it is such a lovely dinner(.)

We won’t be very long(.)"

Maybe the fairy had been naughty and didn’t get this years (year's) one hundred wishes.

"Careful now, careful(,)" he said(.)

That was a lovely dinner(;), my children were really happy and had a great Christmas.

After awhile (a while) they did.

"No, no," said Poppet(.) "We must do exactly what the Fairy said or our wish won’t come true(.)"



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96
96
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
This touched my heart. With all the divorces nowadays... the casual tossing aside of vows... this is a breath of fresh air. I could feel the emotions coursing through him as he struggled to keep his sixty-year promise to the woman he loved. You paint a wonderful picture here. *Thumbsup*


The home health aids (aides) came several mornings a week to give her a bath, and straighten through the house.

So for awhile (a while) with each visit he made, she begged to go home.


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97
97
Review of Domestic Gab  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice, realistic dialogue... I'd hate to be the son in that house. *Laugh* Poor boy... I didn't like the mother's attitude toward the girl in the picture. She felt that because the girl wasn't beautiful and highly intelligent, she wasn't worthy of her son's attention. I enjoyed the ending.

Consider the following when editing:


Her hair was long and black, allowed to flow freely below her shoulders, decorated with real flowers hanging on the side that appears (appeared) to support a small portion of her do.

"Exactly, daughter," mama said as-a-matter-of-factly, pointing her knife at me. (")I can’t believe your brother would choose someone who looks like... that!" now, pointing at the picture I’m holding.

You shouldn’t judge her by her looks(,) mama.

I showed mama the picture like and (an) FBI agent, pointing at the arms.

"So what did you hear(?") ," mama said(,) sounding casual.

I didn’t hear anything(.), I couldn’t make up (out) the words(.) but I bet that was the girl(.) , they (They) talked for 3 straight hours.

"Too bad you didn’t hear(,)" was all that mama said.

I think that’s the name but I can’t remember(.")"

"I don’t remember (either.) too, why (Why) don’t you go get you (your) brother’s yearbook in his room."

That’s what you taught me. " (no quote marks here) And besides, it will be hard to look; we don’t have the girl’s name."



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98
98
Review by Sashi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good character development. Nice description of Tom...gives an insight into his character. I felt sorry for Demus. But kids have a tendency for picking on others who are different, don't they? I just kept waiting throughout the story for Demus to just 'deck' him. *Laugh* I was glad to see it happen at the end. *Thumbsup*

Consider the following when editing:


Some do this to make their lives seem less miserable, others to make a name for themselves and some simply because they are to (too) stupid to interact socially without resorting to archaic means.

He and i (I) grew up together in a small town in Georgia.

It seemed like he was always the first to throw a punch when the odds were in his favor and the first to turn tail and run when they (weren't) were'nt.

Toms (Tom's) delinquincy went unchecked and unpunished for several years.

He walked pigeon toed (pigeon-toed) and therefore moved quite slowly.

This obviously made him a prime target for Toms (Tom's) aggression.

Toms (Tom's) assualts on Demus where usually in the form of a swift kick in the knees from behind as he was running past.

For all his faults Tom was an excellent short stop (shortstop) which gave him a free pass through much of his high school (career.) carrer.

One day in particular Tom was standing behind the bleachers throwing rocks at Demus who was, as ussual (usual) , sitting there just staring at the ground.

When one rock hit Demus squarely in the back of the head causeing blood flow down his neck. Demus quickly rose to his feet and turned toward Tommy with what may have been the most aggresive look I had ever seen him produce.
(Suggest: When one rock hit Demus squarely in the back of the head, causing blood to flow down his neck, Demus quickly rose to his feet and turned toward Tommy with what may have been the most aggressive look I had ever seen him produce.)

I thought to myself(,) "allright (All right) Tommy boy, this is it, time to run(.") ".

Our senior year we had been given given (delete the second 'given') class rings.

One would think that as a senior in high school these childish ways would be long gone but Tom had never been tought (taught) a lesson.

I remember vividly Demus walking in, raising his head, seeing the back of Toms heads (Tom's head), and the look of joy on his face when he reallized he had approached his tormentor undetected and within striking range.

He raised one finger to his thinnly (thinly) pressed grinning lips(,) asking to me to not give up his element of surprise.

I continued to look Tom in the eye listening to his endless rambling with feighned (feigned) interest.

Tom stopped talking and starred (stared) at me with a puzzled look.

Demus, not wanting to miss this opportunity, quickly grabbed Toms (Tom's) shoulder with his other hand.

For a split second Toms (Tom's) look of puzzlement turned to frozen terror.

He knew whos (whose) hand was on him and the price he was about to pay.

There was a dull thud followed by Toms (Tom's) eyes rolling over white.

As he collapsed at my feet I immediatly (immediately) began to think of reasons for Demus not to do the same to me. (space here. "Good job...he deserved that...we're friends, right?") "good job, he deserved that...wer'e friends rights...".

It became apparent Demus had no intentions of harming me as his shoulders again slumpt (slumped), his face went blank and he turned and walked away.

I wont (won't) go as far as to say he changed his ways(,) but I will say he never even looked at Demus again and his dispossition towards violence was seemingly (diminished.) deminshed



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99
99
Review of Breakfast  
Review by Sashi
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I'm not sure what the connection is between missing breakfast and the thugs and the pregnancy, but I'm sure there's one. *Wink* At the end it states he gets mad when he doesn't get breakfast. Perhaps if he had breakfast that day the thug wouldn't have lost his life?


The night before had been composed of nothing but magickal (magical) training: meditation, targeting, mental defence, and things like that.

They looked quite dangerous with their swords and knives pointed at me. I assumed they were troublemakers of some kind when I saw their tattoos. (Wouldn't he had thought them troublemakers anyway since they had SWORDS pointed at him?)

Today, I was wearing dirty, brown pants and my hair was thrown about, roughly resembling an (Afro) afro.

He said, "We'll leave as soon as you give us the 4,500 crowns you owe Mr. Omar(.)"

when (When) I returned inside, Anna was leaning over, looking ready to vomit.



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100
100
Review by Sashi
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is certainly different. A lot of irony... You describe Bob and John well. Their dialogue doesn't always make sense, to me anyway. *Laugh* I must say that Bob was a loser all the way around, wasn't he? Hmmm...


He was the owner of an up-and-coming corporation, which designed and manufactured high quality (high-quality) toothpicks that came in six different colors and five different flavors.

"Yes, I think that my company will make so much money off this idea that the bank will be paid off before the year after a decade from 2:45 PM tomorrow. I am hoping to pay the bank off in a few months, but you never know.
(This has me confused. *Confused* First he says the bank will be paid off in ten years, (before the year after a decade) then says he hopes to pay it off in a few months. Which is it, ten years or a few months?)

"You seem to like lemon scented (lemon-scented) Febreeze, seeing as it is all over this hallway," said Smith, interrupting Bobsven.



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