I enjoyed reading this a great deal! I enjoy science fiction very much, and this was no exception! You seem to have a very well thought out plot here, and some memorable characters.
 For some reason, I was reminded of Spike from Cowboy Bebop if you have ever seen the anime before. I think that one can‘t help but sympathize with a cocky bounty hunter with a slightly humorous side to him!
The plot was excellent, and kept my attention till the very end. I hope that you will be adding more to the story soon!
Suggestions
 There was a great use of vocabulary throughout this story. However, it would be nice to extend some of the actions slightly. Instead of simply saying “he walked in” or “he sat down.” Also, you seemed to put in a great deal of “he says” and “he tells him” throughout the story. It is always nice to replace these common phrases occasionally with a more descriptive word.
The ending seemed a little rushed. Everything from the time that they infiltrated the biodome and on seemed to run together. It was full of action, that is certain, but it was nothing compared to the in-depth storyline that came before it.
You chose to write this story in a rarely used, and rather difficult tense. I congratulate you on being able to carry it out as well as you did, but there were a few places (especially towards the end of the story) where you began to drift. Below is a list of my suggested corrections, as well as a few mechanical errors I noticed.
This may become the first or second chapter of what I plan to call “The Last Aeon”, which is about the hardships of a man made [manmade] [,] biotechnical cyborg that is thought to be the last of his kind.
He remembers all the bounties he’s caught before- all the times it almost cut this character’s lifeline short. For [, for] one hefty paycheck that would finally end this bounty hunter’s long journey.
“Hmm...” Karber begins whistling as he stares into the consternation [Did you mean constellation?] of stars. He looks out to the left to see Earth slowly drifting by. “Finally!”
The scenery is quite pleasant during daylight hours [,] with all the colorful cargo ships flying in and out of view.
He swipes his debit card through the express reader and keeps walking. Suddenly this [a] nagging bleep freezes Karber in his tracks.
Apparently, Karber ran out of funds, and neither his food nor his gas will be paid for. [This sentence doesn’t seem to fit]
“Just sharing qualms of bad luck,” he says, [Replace the comma with a period] “sorry [Sorry] about the... sandwich thing... Heh.”
“Are you unable to pay for your goods, sir?” The cashier asked. [asks]
Karber then walked [walks] up to the cashier and began [begins] to whisper something to her.
They’ll receive a cash prize of ten million dollars for their good deeds [deed] ... Heh, yeah!” Karber cracks a small smile.
The cashier grabs a microphone from the counter, “Rude, we got another con-artist. Lock down on pump thirty-seven!” [I really liked this part right here. It wasn’t at all what I was expected, and it made me laugh  ]
“Not again...” Karber sighs. He stares out the window and watches as the platform, from under where his ship was parked, folded [folds] up and over the ship and rolled [rolls] into the yard of confiscated ships.
“If it’s any consolation... You can keep the chips, soda and...” she stomps on the sandwich that landed on the floor beside her, “your sandwich, too.” She hands it to him[.]
“...” [the … seems a little unnecessary since he really didn’t say anything] Karber takes the crushed sandwich. “No prize for you!”
So this is when Karber really gets used to the gravity and starts walking towards New York City’s biodome. [This sentence read a little awkward and didn’t seem to fit.] However, he must make it through the suburbs in one piece. Though, lady luck is on his side. [Might read a little better  Lady luck is on his side, though.] Twenty percent of the galaxy’s small game can be found in the suburbs. A cowboy’s carnival of crime fighting and easy catches. [I liked this description here ] Just the fact that most of the time, criminals could be found drunk or off guard in their own territory. [Just the fact that can be taken out, seeing as it serves no purpose. Either that, or this thought needs to be finished.]
“What if I find him?” He thought [thinks] aloud. “The number one bounty, the crème de la crème of big bounties! And if I could cash in... I could just get a place on Ganymede... My old town...”
And then reality always comes to kick him when he’s up-“He’s probably not even really still in existence...” Karber sighed. [sighs]
He walks a good seven miles before entering the industrial side of town where the walls of buildings blocked [block] the setting sun, skyscrapers touched [touch] the clouds, and mobs of people walked [walk] the sidewalks.
It wasn’t [isn’t] the nicest looking bar, though Karber didn’t [doesn’t] care. The floors were [are] browned and stained. The walls were [are] covered in old posters from legendary rock bands from over fifty years ago and were [are] highly yellowed by age. The tables have been repaired with lumber scraps.
"Excuse me, ma’am?" Says [says] Karber.
"I heard that!" She said. [I would say to replace this word with says, but perhaps you could use something a little more descriptive.] "And I ain't old!"
The bouncer sat [sits] down at a table about fifteen feet away from the man [Is the man Karber?].
"What did you say, then?" She stared [stares] right at him and smiled [smiles] with her toothless grin.
"Heh... I said what’s a beautiful lady like you doin' in a place like this?" He's [His] tone went up and he spoke fast and nervously. [Wow! Smooth, Karber! lol ]
“You’re too polite to be from around here,” she turned [turns] to him while washing dishes. “Is there some kinda of [This should either be the slang “kinda” or “kind of”] rock show today?” She looked [looks] at his clothes. Karber was [is] wearing clothing items that were [are] quite flashy compared to anyone else in the bar. He wears a red, unmarked shirt under a leather bomber jacket that matched [matches] his cargo pants, black boots, tattoos on his hands, and in plain view, a holster and the gun that hangs inside. His black hair is messily spiked, and his five o’clock shadow arrived to stay five days ago.
He shakes his head. [Very nice description here! I have a very clear mental image!  ]
”Haha, I wouldn’t wanna work in a dump like... Er... I’m a hunter! And, uh, I was wondering if you knew of something called an ‘Aeon’,” Karber grinned. [grins]
“... No. Never heard of it,” said [says…or maybe replies] the lady bartender.
“Oh, I’m sure you have! You have to know what they are!” Karber exclaimed. [exclaims]
The bouncer looked [looks…or maybe something a little more descriptive] at Karber.
“Huh?” Kaber turned [turns] around.
“Now what would you like?” Adam came [comes…perhaps you could say something like reappears) out with an apron on.
“We were getting to that... Just eat first!” Adam gave [gives] him a menu and walks over to Leanne.
“I’m confused...” Karber looks at the menu’s contents. “Escargot mud pie? Crimson turtle fille? Pork grind casserole? What the heck??” [lol - some very interesting names! Yuck!!!]
“Careful. You wouldn’t want to terminate this mission,” Leanne smiled.
[smiles]
“You’re the bouncer and the waiter? Gees, what about vallet [valet] parking?”
As karber [Karber should be capitalized] sits there, still staring at the contents of the bar’s menu, some men rush into the place and start talking to Leanne. One was [is] dressed in a dark blue suit and was [is] holding a laptop under his arm. The other was [is] wearing a green army vest with a white muscle shirt underneath. Both had [have] a worried look on their faces.
“Leanne! It’s time!” The man in the green army vest exclaimed. [exclaims]
“Good gracious! It’s early! Round up all the scallywags! We’re going in!” Leanne’s voice suddenly got [gets] deep.
“!?” [I don’t think that somebody can actually say “!?”] Karber stopped [stops] looking at the menu.
I’m sorry [I had] to remain incognito for such a long time, but after you left Mars, we didn’t know you’re [your] whereabouts!
Adam walked [walks] out from the back room.
I’m here to save you, Karber! Want a kiss?” The three men laughed. [laugh]
“The tactic is today, [Is this supposed to be The tactic today is?] to find and kill a man named Georgio Orstiligi. He’s the leader of the small, but growing group called the Dark Infinite. We need to stomp out the spreading political fire they’ve caused in the outside of the biodome.
“This is agent Graunter. He specializes in explosives, hand-by-hand combat, and stealth. He’ll be there to disarm any bombs the Orion has in store for us, [.] ” he [He] then points to the man wearing the blue suit. “This is Agent Sine, [.] he [He] majors in tech support and communications.
“As for me,” Lee Stan puts on the Leanne mask. “I got dishes to finish.” He jumps out of the van and goes back into the bar. [Very funny! ]
“This is turning out to be an eventful day. Adam..? Who is this Georgio fellow?” Karber asks as the van began [begins] to move.
Numeral [Numerous?] bombings have occurred in the Rockefeller biodome and the Dark Infinite are thought to be at fault,” Adam explains.
“Dark Infinite? Sounds... Evil...” Karber says. [Yeah, maybe just a little…lol]
The Government that which made it, finally seen [saw] it’s impurities and called it unconstitutional,” Adam hunched [hunches] over in his seat in the back on the van. His height made [makes] him feel cramped in the back of the black unmarked van. [You already stated that it was a van in the previous sentence, and an unmarked one in a paragraph a while back. ]
“Which started the war against Aeons,” karber [Karber] added. [adds]
“More rumors...” Adam said [says] as he cocked [cocks] his gun. [I didn’t actually understand why Adam said this, seeing as he never finished his thought]
The van had arrived [arrives] at its destination. Karber, Adam, and Graunter get out. Graunter snuck [sneaks] around to the back of the building.
“You know, I never got that Quasar soup...” Karber whispered. [whispers]
“My apologies,” Adam laughed. [laughs]
A little slit in the door opened. [opens] The eyes of a man peered [peer] out into the dark night to see Karber and Adam both standing there. [I would suggest combining these two sentences. A little slit in the door opens, and the eyes of a man peer out into the dark night…] He opens the door. The man inside [had] heard Karber say “Quasar soup”.
“Seraphim’s... devilish conundrum cake!” Says Karber. [This was clever - the items from the menu being the code words. Bravo to Karber for remembering everything he read! ]
“I’m sorry, we’re out of stock. But you can come in and see what we do have.” The man’s eyes were [are] clenched by a smile.
“Okay, enough code. Who sent you guys, and why?” The man was [is] dressed in old, torn up clothes that were [are] dirty and smelly.
“I’m glad ‘Leanne’ doesn’t really sell Pork Grind Casserole... [So am I!] What a way to share information. I’m amused,” Karber told [tells] Adam as the Mine [mine] cart goes through a dark, murky cave.
“...What!? They are... Oh...” Karber remained [remains] silent until the ten-minute ride, into what could be Hades, was [is] over.
Through the dark tunnel was [is] a crack line [what is a crack line?] of light. A door opened. [opens] Inside was [is] a man waiting for whoever is to come through the dark corridor. The mine cart, which Adam and Karber was [were…but it should actually be “are” seeing as they haven’t gotten out yet] riding in, stops in front of some steps that led [lead] up to the door. They both get out and confront the man.
“That was nice. A little stroll through the mineshaft... Really you guys should redecorate,” Karber told [tells] him.
Just beyond [,] windows that lead to other rooms of these operations, [take out this comma] transparently [If it is a window, it is assumed that it will be transparent ] show the crimes against the creation of the human race.
Karber held [holds] back his urge to upchuck what little food he ate from the convenience store early on [earlier] that day [,] while Adam seemed [seems] to be unaffected.
Finally, [at] the end of the hallway was [is] another door. It was [is] just a normal door. [I would combine this sentence with one of the other two] Behind it was [is] a room that which was [is] quite large. But all that was [is] in it, was [is] a man sitting quietly at a desk with a blank piece of legal paper and a pencil. Nothing else. The man at the desk sat [sits] up and smiled. [smiles]
“Funny... Because if he died... Why do I still here his song?” Suddenly he looked {c;rose}[looks] angry.
Adam looks at Karber, and then raises his arm to the man. “Not now, not ever!" Before Karber could [can] ask what they meant, [mean,] Adam opened [opens] his palm and closed [closes] it into a fist. The fist flipped [flips] inward to his wrist and created [creates] a hole in his arm. From that came [comes] a metallic device that began [begins] to pulsate a low beating sound.
“No… It’s true!!” The man exclaims in terror. The man’s body began [begins] to vibrate into artificial convulsions. [I am not sure that you can vibrate into artificial convulsions.  ] His internal organs began [begin] to break apart and burst. His eyes pop like cherries. [Ewww! ]
Karber stood [stands…or maybe something like stares] in horror. It came to him; Adam wasn’t human. [This might read a little smoother if it were Suddenly, Karber realizes that Adam isn’t human. - Make sure you keep the tense right] Karber’s heart began [begins] to race, and his hearing became [becomes] muffled.
By internal bugs, Sine was [had been] able to sneak microscopic bugs on Adam and Karber for communication purposes. [I don’t think it makes sense that Sine was able to sneak microscopic bugs by internal bugs. ] Karber had no idea.
“Okay! Georgio is dead! I’m all clear!” Adam shouted. [shouts]
“Where did-what!? Aahh!!” Karber was still in shock. [Maybe something like Karber cries, still in shock]
One Explosion [explosion] from the bombs shakes the ground level, which they are on.
“Get in the cart!” Instructs [instructs] Adam.
Karber drops the gun and pleads for his life as he remembered [, remembering] what he had done so simply to the man inside.
“You’re saying… That the multi-billion dollar bounty on you is gone?” Karber asks Aeon. [I would suggest putting Adam‘s name here, since that is what the reader is most familiar with him being called]
[A great ending, with a funny twist! Poor Karber…losing his bounty!  ]
 I would like to assure you that these simple errors are easily repaired, and don’t necessarily affect the appeal of the story. It is a great beginning, and I look forward to reading more. I hope that by pointing out these mistakes, it will help polish up the story a bit and make for an easier read. I would be happy to read it again and re-rate it after you have made any corrections.
My Rating
 3.5
I did a very thorough review on this story, because I can tell that there is a lot of thought behind it, and I would like to see it perfect. I give this story a 3.5, simply because of the grammatical errors. The plot and characters were excellent, and it was very enjoyable!
~Elandra Tressinger
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
4.5 
I hope you had a great time at the convention! Keep up the great work!
I hope you enjoyed the convention! Keep up the great work...and write more freeverse! *hint hint* 
I hope you had fun at the convention! Keep Writing!
I hope you enjoyed the convention! Keep Writing!
Hello