Ah, this was sweet! I couldn't go to the prom with my first love, he was my speech teacher, shh!
-Do a little spell check with the aid of writing.com spell check. There were a few here, nothing you can't fix!
-I don't like the commas and semi-colons at the end of every line; the poem becomes sing-song that way, and you really do want to avoid that. Rhyming is GREAT, sing-song is not.
I enjoyed walking with you down this memory lane, thanks for sharing!
I like the idea here; a young man's realization of what's truly important should definately happen right after law school!
-As much as I enjoyed this story, I also feel that there are huge chunks of it missing. You gave us a little of what he was feeling upon waking and showering, but I would like to feel MORE. The dawning realization of something like this would be horrific, but we missed out on some of that.
-You told us, at the end, about the length of his blindness and what he learned, but the entire premise of the story surrounds the events we don't really get to be a part of. We see what leads up to it, but the most important parts are TOLD to us, not SHOWN. As a reader I want to be in on it all, especially his awakening.
I hope you keep working on this, it's a great story with a lot of promise. If you add to it, I'll be happy to read again!
WHEW, that was quite a story! I hear about things like this happening-thank goodness it hasn't happened to me yet-and after a passing thought about how I'm glad I don't have to attempt survival without power, I continue on with daily life. I suppose we all do. It was eye-opening to see such an event from the perspective of one who had to live through it. Thank you for taking the time to share with us.
-I noticed several commas in spots that don't really need them. Commas are used to seperate complete thoughts, lists, or a descriptive phrase or word from the rest of a sentence. ie..."All that remained of their two story farm house, were..." the comma is not necessary. Also, in this particular sentence, two-story needs a hyphen.
Here's hoping your next Christmas will be a bit more "illuminating," hee hee.
I like your writing, very nice. I also like the different take you employ with this story. Keep that difference as you continue to write. A former student? Verry interesting, indeed.
-I really like the premise of this story, but we find the plot too soon. Give us more time, build up the suspense. Help us delve into this man's mind more than you already do. We want to feel what he feels, the utter despair, the hopelessness.
-With the last "letter," your first sentence is, "she was leaving with him." Until this sentence, the letter was TO her. Did you mean to do that? You might want to take a second look.
GREAT start to a story that's been done, but you put a different twist to it which makes it feel completely new. GOOD! I'll look forward to more.
Excellent writing, no question! Your words are simple, yet they blend together very well, and I could see no glaring grammatical problems.
-My only "issue" with this piece, if it could be called that, lies in its obscurity. While I like this aspect, I also think that perhaps there might be a bit too much; it's difficult to know what exactly is happening. I know you wrote it that way, and to a point it makes the story that much more intriguing. But it also leaves a huge dose of confusion.
-I'd like to see you keep the mystery to a point, perhaps giving us just a bit more information to whet our appetites for more.
I plan to read more of your work. I like the way you write, your talent is evident.
HAHA! Cheating on her with all them?! She should get a test--several tests.
I'm not sure what you meant by "credible medical diagnosis." Are you talking about Harry? Or is there going to be more illness on the horizen?
-I like the beginning of this story, but I'm not sure where it's headed. I can't decide if she's going to meet the love of her life or stumble upon (poetic license there) some sort of international intrigue. Both I guess, huh? Your writing is great, and I chuckled out loud in some spots, something I needed this morning!
I LOVE the title, very cute, and I can't wait to read more. PLEASE let me know when you have more available
MAJORLY creepy, spooky, nutty, and I can't help thinking these people are meant for each other!
-I think it would enhance your story to give us more suspense when she pulls out the gun and gets Bryan to the cabin. I don't think I felt as much threat, there, as I should have.
-The same could be said when he attacks her and the tables are turned. I Do feel the danger more, but I think it could be escalated.
I was really impressed by your creativity. This was an old story with a new twist, something we writers are always looking for. Good going!
And congrats on breaking through that pesky writers' block. I'm coming off of that myself, so I understand the frustration. Write on!
OKAY...well, first of all you need to change the rating on this if you are going to keep the profanity and nudity. This piece of work needs an 18+ rating AT LEAST; you are going to offend people BIG TIME if you keep it at an E, which means it's appropriate for anyone of any age, and it's NOT. That's probably why you haven't been getting rated. No one wants to come out and tell you that this work is offensive to many.
Does that mean you can't write? NO! You are an excellent writer, that much is apparent. But where did you get your inspiration from--Penthouse Forum?! Like I said, you can write, no question. ICK to your content, though, BIG ICK. Please post something more appropriate and you'll get the high ratings you deserve.
Or scrapped?! Now, now, we writers must learn that scrapping is NEVER an option! I have scrapped things and lived to regret it. I ALMOST scrapped a story I re-vamped and posted on this website...it's the most popular story I've written. So we don't SCRAP, understand?!
Okay, now...you have some fantastic descriptions, here! I can see these women, smell their overpowering scents, see these cab drivers humorously mess with these women (in amusingly different ways-they should have had each other's cabby, heh).
-the only critique I have is that I'm not sure who these people are. You drop us into the middle of their lives without much explanation and give us names of peole we don't know yet, so it becomes a little overwhelming. Who's Wanker Williams? I'm not quite sure. I couldn't figure out if he was the ex or some friend of hers. I'm left with this confusion about most of the characters mentioned. I like your opening with the cab ride, but the reader being "in the dark" goes on a bit long. My big advice would be to insert a paragraph or two with some clarification.
But your writing...it rocks! Keep writing, and PLEASE tell us the story of these women--you don't want to leave them just before this wedding, do you?! Poor Elaine, you MUST save her!
Ooh, cool! I like your descriptive ways, the way you pulled us into the scene. I was able to picture it all, and I LOVE that!
-Your writing is GREAT, your imagination is fantastic; the only issue I really have is the way you rush us into the end. I'd like to see you play around with this a bit more, give us hints into what the "deal" is before you tell the whole story at the very end. That way you'll leave us gasping in amazement!
-I seem to give this advice a lot, but it was given to me and it's true: SHOW us more, TELL us less. Don't give us information when you will get more mileage out of showing us. We see him look at his scars, and that's good, but perhaps we could find out about the wife more subtly than you telling us about her. Maybe the woman here leaves before we know and we figure it out from their interaction, with more clarification when she's gone.
You have a gift for story-telling and an active imagination, two things that go great together I'll look forward to reading more of your work.
WOW. The feelings this poem evokes are so powerful, congratulations. That's exactly what a poem SHOULD do.
-I like the pattern, the rhyme and meter. They're simple, but it's the very simplicity of this that makes its message much more chilling.
-In the 4th stanza, first line, "She found herself in love." I don't know if you meant for the period to be there at the end, but I think it takes away from the meaning, and your pattern has the first line in the other stanzas being without punctuation...I think it should be consistant.
Wonderful poem, although of course the message is heart-wrenching. Continue to write, it heals wounds better than anything else--plus you have TALENT!
I like BOTH poems, both ways. There are strong and weak points to both.
-In the first stanza, "all the time to the internet you are almost addicted," sounds awkward in my head. But the same can be said for the 2nd poem with "you don't lend a hand even on the holidays."
The 2nd version would fall from the tongue more easily, but the first version is, I feel, more literary, the style not used quite as often. I believe it would depend upon whom you chose to write for: "just us folks" or, perhaps, a literary magazine. The 2nd for "just," and the first for "literary." I feel that I just wrote some very convuluted sentences...sorry!
I am SO impressed that a man would be able to write this, congratulations!
And no plug of mine, but I'd be honored if you'd take a look at my story, "The Walk," in my port. It's along the same lines as this poem; in fact, this poem gave me chills with its similarities, at least in my mind. Please see what YOU think, if and when you have the time.
REALLY amusing--of course, you'd probably have to be a teenager or an adult with TRULY no life to get it. I have teenagers who read this with me...we all laughed, they more than me because they "got" more of the jokes!
You're a GREAT writer with a gift for humor...it got funnier as it went on. Welcome to the site; if you want to become a better writer and start to feel really good about yourself, THIS is the place to be!
Ooh, I like this! This poem gave me shivers because it felt like you looked inside me and wrote what you found THERE.
-I'd like to see you find a good ending line for the first stanza, though. The one there now-"and a heart to be safe next to"-I like the sentiment but it doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the stanza.
-I'd also like to see you parallel the two first lines in the stanzas; instead of "my OWN heart..." in the first line, simply take out OWN. And you might want to see how you can work these words to make them fit a parallel pattern in both the first and second stanzas. If you go to sell this (and I think you should) they'll look at that.
You have a way of getting to the "heart" of the matter, so to speak I clicked on your poem because I love Starbucks and sometime write there. But I was impressed by how this spoke to me, told my own story--and I'm almost middle-aged!!
I REALLY like that story! It smacks of some of my own with that positively DELICIOUS ending!! I enjoyed your detailed descriptions of the main characters very much, able to picture these people as you saw them, yourself. And I LOVE that, too.
I would comment about the commas and how you might want to look back through this to see which ones you can probably do away with. IE--"Elmer was a man of sixty, who lived simply." The comma is not necessary. There was also a typo in the first paragraph--"quirks and idiosyncrasies. , and he" I think you didn't mean for the period to makes its mark there...haha. Also, in the next to last paragraph, you missed the period at the end of "Elmer." There are a few more little grammatical "issues" which I'm sure you an find with a good proofread.
I thoroughly enjoyed this story; your sense of humor AND tradedy are apparant here, and you do both well! I'm so glad you've shared them with us.
You have the makings of a fantastic satirist-I was chuckling all the way through!
-I WAS chuckling all the way through-when I could figure out what was going on. Some of the story was a bit difficult to follow, partially due to some grammatical issues, partially because of some garbled action.
-Grammatical issues: You missed some periods during dialogue such as-"I dunno"-should have a period after it. "Tell me everything you know." They should ALL have periods after them. There were more places in the story where periods are missing; you can proofread carefully and find them, I'm sure. Note: "You were supposed to keep an eye on him" would work great with a ! Then we'll know something big has happened.
-There were also several places in the text where your sentences became run-ons, purely, I believe, because you need commas or a period, some form of punctuation to help understand your meanings. Reading prose without punctuation gets really confusing. Example: Frank was starting to perspire and what a stupid idea, really why did he keep her around." I had to re-read sentences like this several times to get what your meaning was. It read like you were writing in a "stream of thought" type way, a little difficult to follow. Just a suggestion, but what about-"Frank was starting to perspire, and what a stupid idea! Really, why did he keep her around?" With those punctuation tools we more fully understand what you meant.
When you fix those grammar "issues," this story is going to be what it should be...SWEET! I'll keep reading your stuff. To me, you set just the right tone. I LOVE mysteries and suspense, and I LOVE sarcasm!
-I really enjoyed this story, but it feels half finished. It truly feels like the beginning, or even the middle, of a much longer story. And I'd be intrigued to read more about these people.
-You might want to think about sprinkling the story behind Mark's agitation throughout the piece instead of handing it to us in one big chunk, and perhaps allow the suspense to grow by keeping it till the end, somehow. Then the reader could be that much more horrified.
I think this story has fantastic potential! I can tell you have writing talent; I truly enjoy stories about older people, especially with a moral about how their resilience can surprise us.
-There is a story WITHIN a story, here. You could expand SO much about this. A rule of writing thumb to always keep in mind: SHOW SHOW SHOW. Don't ever TELL your readers when SHOWING is so much more effective. SHOW us what this man went through in the woods. ie-"For the next two days Carl and Ortfreed travelled down the river in his canoe." How? What happened in those two days? What did that island look like? Was it small, big, full of pines, evergreens-what??
-And what does Carl LOOK like? Can we see his wrinkles, his stoop? Does he look tanned, leathery? Is his dog old or young?
-I hope you can see what I'm getting at, here. This has the makings of a great story, but SHOW us more. Help us to see your characters as YOU see them. What drove you to write about these people?
Have a great time writing, I can't wait to read more of your stuff!
This is a truly facinating look into what family goes through when one member is fighting clinical depression.
I'd like to see you turn this into a poem, I can see one there. I haven't looked into your port, I don't know if you've written poetry; if you haven't, I suggest this would be an ideal topic, something many people can relate to, more than you know.
If this is about your life, I hope you have "bullied" this man into seeking proper counsel. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, it's an affliction of many, helped with therapy, and sometimes meds.
About the writing, it's concise and real, but I would like to see more description, more variety of sentence structure. Punctuation can be a real gift to the creative writer-you can use all kinds to vary structure and keep your reader hooked!
You have a gift for bringing scenes to life. This story pulled me in from the first.
-There were some typos I noticed...you wrote somewhere as two seperate words, should be one. Anyway should also be one word, and not-so-blissful should have hyphens. Also, I think you should probably say "punchING bag" instead of just "punch."
-WE NEED COMMAS and other grammatical devices. This is a really interesting piece of work, but we get caught up in the fact that punctuation is scarce. Even in reading to myself I start panting Punctuation is a very important part of writing.
-My last piece of advice might be a doozy. There's alot you tell here, and it's really interesting, but it would be even MORE interesting if we were SHOWN. Let the action unfold in some places, tell us in others. I like the narrative way you begin the story, it's an old kind of, "sit back and I have a tale to spin," and that's great! But then let us SEE it. Perhaps-and this is just suggestion-you could stop TELLING after the incident with the children and then let your characters take over. A visit to the local hardware store to chew the fat, and they start discussing townspeople and their situations, something like that. You can return to the narrative for the beginning of the second chapter, maybe?
Please keep going with this story, it's good. I like the italicized asides, a nice touch!
You, of course, have excellent writing abilities! I felt as if I were wearing panaloons, soft shoes, and carrying a harp as I read this. Hmm, I wonder if in a past life...
-I would request, for the sake of my eyes that got a little dizzy reading this, that you put two spaces between paragraphs-pretty please (I'm fluttering my eyelids here)?
-I like the premise of this story very, very much, but it got a little convaluted (sp). you might take a second look and see if there are some spots where you could make the story more clear or condense the explanations a bit.
I'm ready to read chapter one--and impressed that all of this came out of your imagination-awesome!
This is an extremely heartfelt and powerful piece of writing, thank you for sharing it.
When I read the first part, it was with nostalgia because I remember what it was to be 16 and in love for the first time. Unfortunately-or fortunately-the object of my starry gaze was married and my teacher, although not too much older than yours-and his name was Michael.
Anyway, about the writing...very good, but my advice to you would be to make this more story-like, turn it into a memoir. I think you have a lot to say and many, many young people who need to hear it. Sure, they'll roll their eyes and act like they need to invent the wheel because WE didn't, haha, but they WILL hear it if you put it out there.
I hope things are better with your dad. I can so identify with your parents since two of my own daughters are 16 and 17. I LOVE it when they say "you just don't get it." Uh huh. Wait till they figure out it's THEY who don't get it!
Susan
What a wonderful story! And I wouldn't DREAM of correcting wonderful Australian spelling...I've had this discussion with a British author. I really, really enjoyed that fact that we were actually part of...oops, I don't want to be a spoiler-I'm envious of your imagination!
My only comment would be that perhaps the "battle" action goes on a little long and I'd like to experience more of the present action, see the characters, especially Ashling, more clearly. What wonderful imagination she has--can we see, perhaps, her deceptively innocent face, the angelic turn of her head, her blonde halo? Just suggestions, of course, but I'd like to see them all.
Wonderful story, I'm going to check out more of your work!
I like this story, I REALLY like the beginning of it. I like the beginning of it because it's BELIEVABLE. I can see Nora, feel her pain, see the life she thought was perfect crumbling around her.
-I'd probably like the Aaron character, too, but he comes in too quickly and she caves to him way too fast. I know this is a short story, but we still need to know MORE to feel really invested in these people and their budding relationship. It's not enough to just tell us he was a presence in her past. We want to get to know him NOW. How was it that he just showed up as her husband disappeared?? Where has he been, who has he become?
-Once again, with your ending it feels like we go from A to C without a stop at B. Readers will want to see the budding of a relationship, not just be told about it.
-Just a suggestion, but in a short story, it might be nice to give us a hint of the relationship to come without actually delving into it. Perhaps you could give us more of Nora's inner thought processes when she sees Aaron again and then finally decides to let him into her world. A great ending to this story would be her allowing him access into her home for the first time or something similar. You know, the symbolism of it all.
-There is an awful lot of passive voice in the story. I'm not deathly afraid of passive voice, there are times when it works, but you could probably cut the "had"s in half at the beginning and we'd still know what you mean.
You have real talent, a gift for story-telling. PLEASE keep writing!
That was beautiful. I think you should send it to Ivy. Too often in this life we hesitate to let others in on what they've done for us, when they could be bouyed up by knowing the sort of difference they've made. Tell her before you can't, anymore. It will most likely matter to her more than you know. Just a few comments:
-"then came my brothers and gone was..." this is a VERY confusing sentence, actually a couple of sentence fragments. Just rewrite them so that they are complete and no longer convuluted.
-"...her and her husband Bill..." Her is the subject here, meaning the word should be SHE. Commas after husband and Bill are necessary, too, because Bill is extra info and not part of the sentence.
-I believe there are a few more sentence fragments, but you can rectify that, yourself, by proofreading. Read these sentences out loud. If they don't make sense as complete thoughts, they need to be changed.
I'd like to mention that I didn't have the sort of childhood you did by a long shot, but I wrote a little something about my father, whom I was lucky enough NOT to live with, and it's in my portfolio. If you'd like to, you can take a look. And know that you're in my prayers every single day. I have a TWO teenage girls-shudder-don't you feel sorry for ME?! But we love them, don't we??
Sounds like you've come through your past and out the other side. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
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I'm left with this confusion about most of the characters mentioned. I like your opening with the cab ride, but the reader being "in the dark" goes on a bit long. My big advice would be to insert a paragraph or two with some clarification.
I'll look forward to reading more of your work.