I know this was written several years ago, but it's still as powerful as ever. I am humbled by your courage in being able to write this down and share it with others who may be immeasurable helped by it.
Isn't it strange how a childish mind works? I hope you never thought you did something wrong in telling school personnel you were beaten, whether he would have beaten you for "visiting the nurse" or not. It's wonderful that you knew to "tell" to get OUT of that situation, that you had the strength, even then, to do what you had to get OUT.
I must read more from your port; your writing is clear and flows well. Not only was I riveted by the content, I was NOT distracted by mechanical error-there were none that I could see. Great work!
This was adorable!! I absolutely love it when a poem comes together like this! You know this sort of poetry has been around for some time, but it never fails to amuse and amaze me that poets would take the kind of time and energy this entails
The humor, the talent...I'm impressed and will return to raid MORE of this fine port!
This essay about your feelings can't be wrong or right--they are simply your feelings.
-I would like to know more, though, about your brother. It's wonderful that he's been "there" for you in relation to this difficult family crisis, but what are his other strong points, who IS he? I expected to read more about Blain than I did and it's whet my appetite...I like the name, he sounds very caring and special.
-I know this topic must have been so hard to write about, but take a look back and see if you can vary the sentence structure a little, especially in the first paragraph. There were quite a few simple sentences and it takes on a simplistic quality when that happens.
This was written some time ago, I noticed. I'm sure the situation with your aunt was a difficult period for you-have you posted an update? It's good that you have other family members to lean on, the best people when you can count on them-lucky you!
I must say...NEVER be afraid to share your thoughts, whether they're considered "politically correct" or not. After all, if our forefathers had continued with the status quo we'd still be paying taxes to the queen! Your opinions just might cause someone else food for thought, to quote a cliche`; you never know.
And how can you say your life is BORING when you mother an autistic daughter?! Mothering itself holds countless challenges every single day, but mothering a special needs child is challenging in ways others will never understand! I have two nephews with Aspergers' who live with me off and on, and a daughter who is bipolar. I KNOW the exhaustion-especially mental-of this sort of parenting. I'd love to read more about those sorts of challenges, I'm not sure if you have or haven't written them down-I'll have to pillage your port more!!
I'm glad you were able to get away and enjoy yourself, and believe me, you are ANYTHING but boring! Isn't it great how EVERYONE has a story?!
Very nice sentiment, a really fine look at the structure we worship in and the feelings that structure can emit.
-I'd also like to see you, perhaps, compare nature's hardships the church-the building-has endured and parallel it to spiritual hardships it has seen inside its doors? What creates the building and its people...I believe you answered THAT question nicely.
-One comment about commas; think about the necessity of commas at the end of every line. I think poems need flow and sometimes commas interfere with that and cause a sort of "mother goose" effect.
Thank you for sharing some thoughts concerning the Church and its meaning...nicely done!
So little said but so much! WOW, I truly enjoyed this "visit" into your experiences and emotions.
-I'm anxious to read more about your travels and anxious, as well, to be a part of what must have been some really intense experiences! Dangerous but exciting, the adrenaline junkie's fix. I'm jealous.
I was intrigued by your word choices to describe these moments-very unusual and fun
When you said "emotional" in the description, you weren't kidding! I can't help but feel the person in this poem, the one who has been forced to endure some sort of pain at the hands of one who should have been trustworthy.
-You might want to think about the commas you have at the end of every line. Commas are intended to interrupt flow when a pause in thought is necessary; some of these commas could probably be eliminated. I'm not a big fan of commas after every line in poetry either because it gives a "sing-song" quality to the poetry that really shouldn't be there. It's actually something you need to steer away from, not towards.
I enjoyed your word choices and the emotion that translated itself through your poetry. I look forward to reading more.
I must admit that your reasons for blunt, to-the-point reviewing were-well-blunt! I have to say, I'm sorry you haven't reviewed any of MY work, and if you consider that an invitation, it IS.
-I gave your list a lower score than I might have, however, because as much as I appreciate pointed, in-depth reviews geared towards bettering me as a writer, I found your #1 a little off-putting. To be honest, I warmed to your reasons as I read on. If you feel you must keep that a part of your list, you might think about putting it further down; I only mention this because I think you MUST be a good reviewer and I hate to think of those who haven't read on to realize it.
-You probably aren't going to change your practices, nor should you if you believe in them, but I simply feel that reading bios before I review gives me a better idea of where the writer is in his/her writing maturity. I want to be as helpful as I can in the context they require-I feel I can only do that if I understand the degree of seriousness and experience with which they write.
That said, I think your putting some reason to your reviewing practices is a great idea and I commend you for doing so.
I very much enjoyed your wording and the premise of this story.
-I did have some issue, however, with its time frame. I had trouble pinning this "person" into a certain period. As I read I began to feel concerned about his ability to understand the language Lilith and the professor were speaking. I thought it was cleared up with the knowledge that he didn't belong in the place where he was discovered, but then you tell us at the end that he is from an even earlier time. Huh?? I keep going back to read, sure I've missed something that will clear up my confusion. I may well have, but if that's the case you probably need to bring it out more.
-I'd like to understand more clearly why this creature bends over Lilith and cries. He senses her goodness, I believe, and is distraught by what he's done, but I think WE need to believe in her goodness-see it, somehow-to feel what he does. As it is I read that part with a sort of detachment I didn't really want to feel.
I DO like your story, but I feel it's partially told and needs more detail for us to really understand the events. I want to sink my teeth into this, but right now I feel sort of lost.
Please keep working on this story-it's really intriguing, and if you add to it I'd love to read more!
This is a WONDERFUL essay about Asperger's, and I applaud you for taking the kind of time and effort this sort of in-depth explanation requires.
-I'd like to see you include some of your own experiences with an Asperger's child so that those who read-the ones who may be wondering if their own child could have it or educators who are trying to understand-can get a clearer picture of what an Asperger's child is like.
Both of my nephews with the disorder have such issues with language reception and retention...a HUGE stumbling block for these kids. I make sure they are looking at me when I am giving them directions, and I sometimes have them repeat what I said or requested of them. Patience is VITAL with these children, as they also have low frustration levels when they feel misunderstood or they don't understand why they are having such trouble recieving information. The worst thing anyone can do to an Asperger's child is make them feel stupid, and that happens EVERY DAY to most of them. Because language is so prevalent in our world, the inability to process it quickly is seen as "being stupid," and they are anything BUT.
Okay, off my soapbox, heh heh I plan to print out this essay of yours and use parts of it in a nice little letter to my nephews' school district. I can't thank you ENOUGH for taking this kind of time. THANK YOU!!!
THIS is absolutely wonderful!!! I have a daughter who is bipolar, and while I was aware that some of the people listed had the disorder, I wasn't aware of all of them. I plan to print out this list and show it to my daughter. She's 17, beginning her senior year of high school, and we pray she'll make it through. She's considered academically gifted but has had so many setbacks in school, in no small part due to the schools' lack of understanding concerning bipolar disorder and what can and cannot be expected of her.
Thank you SO much for taking the time to compile this list and share it with us, and for your further research concerning these people. I want my daughter to understand that her condition is a part of who she is and no reason to sit back and accept failure...just the opposite!! Don't YOU ever forget that either
Susan
This is a very short, honest, to-the-point poem with a lot of meaning and emotion packed into a little space. That's not always easy to do, so applause to you!
-My only advice would be to perhaps expand on your topic. This poem IS simple and sweet, but I'll bet you could come up with more!
It's also very sweet as it stands, however, so the decision is yours. Keep writing, you have a lot to share, I can tell
First of all, you have the beginning of a very interesting tale. I'm definately hooked and will return for further installments.
-Some critiques I have are mechanical, as in grammar mechanics. "Wielding" is misspelled up at the beginning; earth's should have that apostraphe; ..."if nothing has changed, then how..." You have a semi colon there, but I think a comma would be more fitting. Semi colons are nice when seperating two complete thoughts, an alternative to ending the sentence, but here you merely want to extend the sentence. Spell check will help you with some few more spelling errors, not too many.
-I was a little confused in some areas, such as Marty and his work. Was he at work in the pet shop or just picking out a cat for Annette? I couldn't be sure. And how long after the comet did Annette become pregnant? At first I thought she was "done for" because of the pregnancy issue, not realizing it was after the fact. Just a few things you might want to clarify.
As I stated earlier, you have an intriguing start. I'll be back to read more.
What a lovely story! I love your word usage, think you've written in a very lyrical style that's pleasant to read. And the content is really nice. I love the friendship between Thomas and Ireland, how it never really becomes more, although it could have, but they didn't soil their relationship by taking it to that next step.
I've had friendships with males, and while there is always "that" undertone, no matter how subtle, in a male-female relationship, those friendships have been my most cherished. There's a richness to a friendship like this and I think you captured it beautifully!
-My only critique would be concerning tense. You sort of "bounced around" with it; you might want to decide which tense you want to stick with and tell the story from that perspective. I believe you had good reasons for changing it when you did, but it still hinders the flow.
I enjoyed this story very much, thanks for sharing
You have some nice information here concerning autism spectrum disorders, but I'd like to see you go further. I think these conditions are still misunderstood among many, most especially school districts and teachers!!
-You discuss Asperger's at length but I think it would be nice for you to give a solid definition of just what it is and why it is linked to autism. I have two nephews with Aspergers so I understand completely what it is-they're staying with me for the summer, I half raise them-but those who aren't "in the know" won't understand the correlation between Asperger's and Autism. I think it would also be a good to share when Autism was first discovered and when it was first formally recognized by the medical profession, the same with Asperger's. Asperger's, as I'm sure you know, was actually discovered in the '40s, and yet it's taken us this long to finally come around to helping people with the disorder. My older nephew's middle school STILL says they "don't recognize Asperger's," and I plan to fire off a letter to them very soon!
-I have to take a bit of issue with your contention that Autism isn't a psychiatric disorder. It's most definately nuerological, but that could be said of all psychiatric conditions. My oldest daughter has bipolar disorder; her condition is hereditary and nuerological. Medication helps immensely, as does behavior modification and counseling. The same is being done for my nephews. I think "psychiatric" can be a term used for any medical condition where behavioral counseling can be helpful.
I'm very glad you've showcased this topic and hope it will bring more people into the "circle of knowledge" concerning autism and asperger's. Thank you for taking the time to provide links and criteria for recognizing an often overlooked condition.
Spoooooky! You never tell others when you post a story, d'you know that?! I found this in the horror newsletter, to which I have recently subsribed, and of course I had to check it out.
-My only complaint (duh) is that it's so short. I'd like to read more about all of it: the mirror, the painter(!), the hotel. Eighty years is a long time...you could really go crazy-heh heh-with stories! I feel that what you did here was whet our appetites...and boy is mine whetted...um, is that a word?
It would be really, really cool if you ever decide to expand this story. No pressure though. (tap, tap...just waiting, don't mind me...tap, tap)
Susan
Very cute essay about your hair! As one who doesn't really worry too much about my hair, I've never quite understood all the anxiety about it. I have hair that pretty much does exactly what I tell it to (no, don't throw things at me!) but it's wasted on me because I usually just keep it short and wash it, shake it dry, and go. I couldn't believe when I was in the army and watched, during basic training, the lengths black girls had to go for their hair, I'd never thought about it before. When I asked questions they laughed and considered me pretty dumb, but that's okay. I learned!
-About your writing, heh heh: Your punctuation is great, I couldn't find any misspellings. The only suggestion I have is that you may want to vary your sentence structure a little. Don't be afraid to use conjunctions, colons, semi-colons, etc. Simple sentences tend to get monotonous; various differences keep the reader from getting complacent.
Thanks for sharing pieces of yourself in your writing. I always enjoy being allowed a glimpse into the writer's world!
-I enjoyed reading this, found myself rooting for the couple to succeed. I'm not an avid reader of "happily ever after" scenerios, but you handled this pretty well. I still think you could do a little more to explain the husband's finally "getting it," though. He goes from not understanding her problem at the beginning to being totally accepting and understanding by the end. The song is a good touch, I just think there needs to be more.
-You misspelled "naive" towards the last, and there were a few more typos you could fix with a proof-read, nothing very big.
There's definately a place for happy endings, and I think you hit the right touch with this one; it's a good wrap with that ray of hope, but certainly no rainbow! Thanks for the read!
I like your writing, and I'm intrigued by the people you've chosen to write about.
-I feel, however, that even in this beginning you are leaving out so much. I'd like to see what these people look like, first of all. It may seem incidental, but a person's persona means so much. Does Roberta's hair hang limply, are her eyes tired? Does John take too much pride in his appearance or does he look like a normal husband and father? We are left with many, many questions.
-Even these scenes feel like the beginning of THESE SCENES. Where ARE Belinda and John, and why are they so familiar with each other? It's great to give us a sense of their familiarity through actions, but give us MORE action, let us into their world. The same could be said for all the scenes. Help us to know these people by really diving into their interactions and settings.
-My real advice for the whole piece is MORE MORE MORE. You really do have a good start-I'm interested but frustrated. I want to see them, be a part of them.
Good solid writing is not going to be an issue for you, I can tell. And you already do something in this opening bit that others often find difficult: you are SHOWING us, not TELLING us--YAY to that, just show us MORE.
Keep writing, I'll be anxious to read more of what you do with these characters
Oh WOW...and you REALLY don't know why you were accepted for publication?!
Your words are compact and to the point-nothing wasted, no letter here is without cause, without meaning. Your punctuation is the same; nothing out of place, nothing unnecessary. This poem is what they call a TIGHT piece of work
And the meaning--loud and clear, yet enough for us to ponder. Was he out of line? Was it YOU who wanted more-him-or both...? Was he crossing the teacher/student boundry or honestly attempting to teach...?
I think this was a great thing for you to have done! I plan to read this to my children on the 4th as explanation of why we celebrate our 4th.
I think my favorite Independence Day celebration happened while we were overseas in Germany. My husband was stationed there and we were an American community in the middle of a German village. We learned that Germans are open to anything with the word "festival" in it! I was charmed, though, by the Germans' open acceptance of our American holiday and what it means. They were as happy as we were, and they oohed and aahed over the fireworks right alongside us. I even noticed a few wet German eyes as we sappy Americans wiped our own eyes while sappy patriotic music played to the fireworks. It was sobering to realize how our country had impacted theirs.
So THANKS for this time-consuming piece, it obviously took you some time and effort, and it's a beautiful tribute to our country!
First of all, welcome to writing.com! This is a great place for people who want to become better writers and share with others who want the same thing.
-The first thing you should do is take a look at grammar. Most of the sentences you use in your story are run-ons, which means they don't stop when they should. It's hard to read a story with run-on sentences because a reader is never sure when one thought ends and another begins. That makes for a confusing story. One way to begin your "grammar journey" is to read this aloud to yourself. When you pause naturally after a thought you know to be complete, is a period there? Place one if there isn't. You can look at some grammar books and look up grammar on the web to get some help. You can even search this site for grammar help.
-Also remember that the more you read, the easier it will be for you to understand grammar rules and how they work. Browse around in this site and read, read, read!
I think you have what could be an interesting story, here. With some more study into the English language and grammar, you'll be quite a writer!
WELL...talk about a small world!!! I'm from Guymon! Are you from Boise City? I'm no longer living there, I just returned from a trip to visit my family. I went to college for two years at PSU many eons ago I've actually chanced upon another old Panhandle friend, her name here is Vivian Gilbert Zabel, often known as the "site mom." She lived in Adams, her children went to school there.
Okay, besides old home week...hee hee. I very much enjoyed your poem. Knowing the area-growing up there-it's easy for me to see all you put into this poem. I was charmed by the way you "showcased" the Panhandle so well, its borders touching all these states and bringing with it a piece of each. Of course, being from Guymon I might take issue with ALL roads leading in and out of Boise City....
I'd love to see you expand on this someday, really delve into parallels between the "states" we span in our minds and the "states" the Panhandle spans.
Welcome to writing.com! I can't wait to read more of what you've posted here so far
I enjoyed your journey into the past, very believable with the reluctance of the husband to seek psychiatric help, and the dialogue was nice!
-This felt like the germ of a story, though. We were given a view into something--I wasn't really sure what by the end. I believe you meant that this entire scenerio was invented by her mind, but still I'm not sure. An element of surprise is wonderful, but not at the expense of the reader's ability to comprehend the events.
-I also had some issue with the fact that we were TOLD the most interesting part of the story! Somehow we need to be a part of the action. To leave revelations until the end is good, but figure out a way to put us into her moments, not be TOLD about them.
Please keep working on this story, it has serious potential.
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Your opinions just might cause someone else food for thought, to quote a cliche`; you never know.
I plan to print out this essay of yours and use parts of it in a nice little letter to my nephews' school district. I can't thank you ENOUGH for taking this kind of time. THANK YOU!!!
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