It has a "stream-of-consciousness" to it that is a very popular style of writing, these days. You bounce from thoughts to events unfolding and back into thoughts again...
-To be brutally honest, I'm not the biggest fan of this sort of "modernist fiction," but it does VERY well on college campuses and in fiction mags...have you tried getting some of your work into those? Keep working towards it if you haven't, I really think you have a shot.
-I like the touch of your protagonist catching a cold...we're left to wonder--in his head or caught from HER? Nice.
Okay, I'll include a request with a review!! I think this idea is INSPIRED and want to be a part of such a great deal!
I believe this to be a wonderful way to be motivated towards better health and better choices; it's a documented FACT that togetherness encourages compliance.
I need healthy habits; my kids need healthy habits--which of course begin with me, heh heh.
Woo, really gory!! I must say, with your title, "Late Night Snack," and Jen's foray into the kitchen, I thought SHE might have something to do with the "snack", but good twist!
-I liked this and truly enjoyed the detail-your writing is GREAT-but I think it could be longer and perhaps more "involved." I've seen this sort of idea before, and I think it would make your story truly stand out to give us more backstory on these characters and how they came to be where they are at this moment.
-I believe it would really help your story stand out, too, if you gave us some sort of explanation for the unusual happenings with this television. Perhaps he is a cheap guy who buys everything second-hand and will now get his "just desserts" so-to-speak for that cheapness...
-Which brings me to my last point. Give us a reason to read your story...why should we care that this man was just devoured? What makes us feel a certain sadistic glee or horror with his untimely demise? That's also a part of fleshing out the characters more, bringing them to further life for us so that we CARE about what's happening to them.
I think you have a GREAT start to what could be a really amazing horror story! Let me know if you decide to add more; I'd love to read it
What a wonderful tribute to a sister you had for much too short a time! It's devestating when we lose someone we thought we had a lifetime to discover, but I think you've dealt with it in an admirable way.
-Writing-wise, I can't see one thing you could change about this piece, other than to, perhaps, expand on it a bit. These memories are so precious, but I thought I could "see" you holding back a little. Hold back NOTHING and your writing is going to be unstoppable!!
Isn't it spooky when a person's prophesy of their life comes true? I know a young man who is sure beyond reason that he will not live past the age of forty. Since I'm forty, myself, the statement he made really got to me. He said that was long enough, and I can't fathom it. At forty I feel my life is MAYBE half over. And this 22-yr-old is sure he won't live past it. He's postitive. Who knows what knowledge God shares, huh??
There is MOST DEFINATELY the feel of a script here!
-But it also feels like you perhaps haven't decided what it should be-story or script. I think it would work well as either, but with the amount of dialogue and the action you've set in the manner you have, "script" would be a choice you might go with. In that case, you can go a step further with setting this up in true script FORM and be sure you advertize it as such. There are some really good script writers and reviewers on this site who will help you immensely when you do.
-It seems that you're beginning this with a setting and some characterization--good! But also be careful of so much detail we begin to lose sight of the storyline...
I really can see some serious scriptwriting in your future--
I'm extremely impressed that you have thought and pondered often enough to form opinions about issues important to you, and especially that you chose to showcase your beliefs in your port!
-Of course, as a parent on the other side of this spectrum, I DO have to provide a little extra insight...partly the reason many parents don't want their children to receive money just for the sake of it certainly lies with the reason you pointed out, but there are others. I have two teenagers and one 11-yr-old; if I tried to finance everything these children want and feel that they need, we wouldn't eat!! Parents have to think about much more than cell phones and movies. We are the ones faced with the daunting responsibility of PROVIDING for you, and money just doesn't grow on a tree in the backyard, unfortunately. We have to think about saving for your future, our retirements, and so many other things there's no possible way they could all be listed.
-I agree with you 1000% about teens and jobs! I'm not a great advocate of it. I think teens need to be untethered from jobs which take up time that is better spent finishing an education. Most industrialized nations really DON'T expect their young to work until school is complete; those that do are setting their youth up for less than they can be, I feel. The draw of money is attractive, and once you start making it, it's difficult to stop and return to studies!
-AS for your writing---I find it clear and very readable! Keep writing opinion pieces, your ideas MATTER!!
Susan
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What I like most about your writing it how different it is...how I must pay attention to every line, every word, every comma or I'll miss something...
Once again, I took an enjoyable ride with this very fast-paced poem! I could see so much in this--whimsy, anger, fear, all of it. Of course I was not surprised in the least by that.
What a crazy ride your brain must be Thanks for sharing it.
I like this! Fantastic imagery with her panicked reaction at the thought of someone having been in her home, going through her things...
-I noticed a few "hads" in there that you could eliminate and never miss. Passive voice is a fine tool when it's needed, but sometimes it gets in the way, so think about whether they're necessary to the story.
-I know this was such a short piece, but I think some sort of reaaction to the music box is really necessary-Something she's never seen before under her bed?? Is she getting an idea or still utterly confused? I don't know where you could pare down elsewhere, heh heh.
Wonderful word picture!! Have you thought about expanding this? I think it would be wonderful!
Susan
I very much like what you've done with a fairy tale we all know very well. The characters in your version seem much more real, and that's a GOOD thing...at least for teens and adults
-You give us alot of "this happened" and "that happened" in your first paragraph. I think your story could be that much better if you take your time, return to this first part, and spell out for us--SHOW US--what you are at present just TELLING US about. You say the queen fell in love with the prince...When? How? Where? Give us the details, really draw us into this scenerio and make us care!
-You state that that queen cares very much for the princess but doesn't love her. I think you're trying to impart that she looks upon the princess with affection-probably like a friend since they are so close in age-but she doesn't feel like she's her DAUGHTER. She doesn't have that mother/child connection with her, and THAT'S what you need to tell us; your meaning would be more clear and we, the readers, would totally "get it" then.
-And how does she know the cottage she comes to is a "safe" cottage? I'd take that part out because she has, at that point, no garuantee that the premesis is "safe."
I LOVE that you made the Huntsman a significant villian of the piece--really nice! I look forward to reading more and discovering what the princess' next adventure will be
AAH! I got to the end of that letter and almost had an attack...I want more!! I've felt that way before, but never so much as now! I almost want to call you MEAN for such a thing
And now on to a FEW critiques:
-You use the passive verb "had" an awful lot, especially at the beginning of this story, and you could probably eliminate most of those with barely a ripple in grammer or story content.
-As much as I LOVE this story so far, I think you could make it even better by doing more than TELLING us some of the backstory. At the beginning we are told about so much instead of actually WITNESSING it. I like the beginning, with your protagonist at the grave, but perhaps you could use a "flashback" technique or something similar to give us more SHOW and less TELL with the story.
Your descriptions are wonderful and the letter is really intriguing! I'm Welsh, too, so I doubly like this tale...PLEASE add to it soon--you wouldn't want to be responsible for me bursting, would you??
PS: No WONDER you're such a great reviewer; an editor! (head smack)
You have a very interesting idea, here, for a really intriguing story! I like your "stranger in a strange land" concept taken to a different level, very nice idea!
-We-the readers-are not brought into this man's world until unusual things had already begun to occur. We are TOLD about an awful lot without actually being a part of it, something that doesn't really invest us in this world or this person. To feel like a part of the story, we need to be involved in more, not just TOLD about it. There's a difference between SHOW and TELL. "He remembered a bright light shortly before..." There's nothing wrong with beginning the story the way you did, but why not have him "flash back" more completely to his life? Then we'll feel more understanding for his situation.
-He awakened in a strange land with his hand on a sword he'd never seen and in different clothing? I don't know about you, but I'd be freaking completely out!!! Make sure you infuse real human emotions into your characters; be careful of them being two-dimensional. I want to see this guy having an attack before he goes anywhere! He'd almost pass out from the shock of what he's experiencing, so let him-and US-experience it!
-Make your scenerios as realistic as you can, too. It would be my first instinct to stay as close to the area where I awakened as I could while I try to find some answers. Make his actions and the actions of others seem logical to us. If he does something most people normally wouldn't do, we're left scratching our heads and saying, "huh?" We don't feel the connection with your characters that we COULD if you keep their actions logical, and make sure we understand their motivations for what they do.
-You tell us this is an "advance culture," more of the SHOW and TELL issue! We need to know why he'd make that kind of deduction. What tells him this? SHOW US!
-A few grammar issues: There are some sentences here that are actually fragments. Read your story aloud and you'll discover them...look for a subject, verb, and object. If those elements aren't present, you have a fragment which is easily fixed.
Keep writing, I love your ideas! I'll be eager to read more of your work very soon
I can't think of any rating besides perfect...I was riveted from the first sentence to the last and held "captive," so to speak, by this woman's life experiences .
After reading your blog for the past few weeks, I'm not surprised at the extreme talent you possess. I can't wait to read more!
You should send this lovely little story to Philthy and L.E. Monster. If you've read their blogs you'll know how they ADORE spiders (written with an evil grin). Heh heh. Nothing like good friends on W.Com!! If you send it, let them know it was MY idea!
WOW. I was hit in the face with the raw emotion behind this one, the pain...
-I love your set-up here, the way you keep the detail to the left and the overview centered...Wonderful!
-I am just ovewhelmed by how succinctly you state your case, share this really private piece of yourself in such an honest, artful way...I haven't read a poem that does what it should-overwhelm me with emotion-for a while. Thanks.
And by the way, I've crushed on a gay guy-it's never easy, is it?!
-But you do a lot of narrative, "this is what happened, then this happened after that." In other words, you didn't take us INTO the action, we are merely told about it. Dialogue would help mightily with this issue because we'd have to be present for conversations among the characters. Think about the characters you create and imagine yourself inside their world, surrounded by the things that surround THEM. Now relate their story as it happens, not as a past occurrance. Close your eyes and give us all their feelings, thoughts, angst.
I think you have alot to say with this story, and many young women and men who need to "hear" it. It's so easy to get caught in situations that spin out of control. Really delve into this situation and give to us, your readers, all the raw emotion that would accompany such a difficult event. I know you can do it, your writing proves it!
That was great!! I have become SUCH a fan that I'm afraid I may not be much good as a "reviewer."
I enjoyed the word pictures you conjured here; I could see it ALL and was transported into this ancient world--or so I thought (e:laugh) I'm so delighted I answered a whim and fished inside your port again...the ending is magickal!!
Susan
You have painted a lovely word picture here, a romantic paradise-type of portrait that would do well BESIDE such a portrait...I believe I gave you MY idea of the scene your words brought to my mind!
I have deep appreciation for the poems you pen and your extreme, abiding talent. I'm not merely being humble when I say that seldom-to-never do I feel qualified to lend "critique" because your writing seems flawless to me.
A word to aspiring poets who might read this review: delve into this person's port and learn about the craft. He's a master. (I had to give him half a star under perfect because he can only get better, so I thought, why not leave him room to do so)
Very nice! I'm impressed with your ability to emote, can "see" a frustrated writer sitting at a scattered table with ink-stained fingers!
-I found a few words and phrases, though, that made me go "hmm." I wasn't sure why you mentioned a "cat in a cage," and then I thought perhaps it was the rambling mind of the poet. If that's the case, maybe you could italicize those rambling thoughts so it would be really clear to your readers.
-"Shaman words unkind"...I'm not sure this could work, because I don't know of any Shaman who would utter unkind words! It's like an adejective or metaphor that has no basis in fact; you might want to rethink that line.
The rest is GREAT, though, and I enjoyed reading it...you have talent, as well
Susan
Scarlett, I am enchanted by your life's events and charmed by your candid rendition of them. I like the idea that "everyone has a story," I believe that to be true, and your story is interesting, amusing, fun, and so relatable for a woman with children and a "full plate"!!!
You've aptly named your wonderful blog; I can't believe it took me this long to begin reading it!
Susan
I REALLY liked how you brought it all together; here I was thinking that the beginning wasn't real clear and how was I going to word that to you, blah blah--when you up and explained it all! You're sneaky
I'm looking, looking for something to "critique" here and can't find a thing! Nice chuckle, thanks! I'll read more of your stuff, be warned!!
Susan
I know I am SO biased because I know what a terrific person you are, but I was chuckling like mad by the end of this story! I DO think a guy would laugh just that much harder, especially if he had a similar tale in his mind, which most of them probably do
-About a fourth of the way through the story, you have "...one of the thicker boy's father." It read a little confusing, and if you kept it like this the apostrophe should be after the "s". But it might read more clearly if you name the boys after describing them and say "----'s father." It doesn't even have to be the actual name. Poetic license with even true stories is perfectly acceptable!
-And just to be picky (heh) you have "back" for "bag" in the fourth paragraph UP from the end.
This was cute and really fun to read! I can't WAIT to get into more of your port. I hope you share more memories, I think you have a knack for it!
It occurred to me that I haven't even rated this blog, yet I find such enjoyment in it! Well that's just WRONG.
Your heartfelt entries and candid comments about life and sundry tribulations keep me interested and charmed all at the same time. Your winning personality shines through with these little windows into your soul--thanks for giving us a peek!
The young girl in your story has dealt with quite a bit of pain for one so young...
-First grammar: You need to mark ALL dialogue with quotation marks, and make sure you start a new paragraph with every bit of dialogue, otherwise we get confused; we don't know who's speaking or when. And here on w.com, you might want to consider putting a space between paragraphs so we can follow your story a little better, especially with the dialogue. Again, it would cut down on the confusion.
-be careful, when writing a sorrowful tale like this, that you don't turn it into a melodrama, something most writers of quality don't want to do. Melodramas have their place-i.e. soap operas-but I don't think that's what you're going for, here. When you have too much bad stuff happen to one character in such a short period of time, readers tend to get too "down" about this poor girl's situation to continue rooting for her or READING about her. Is there a place in your story where you could infuse just a smidgeon of hope for this girl? Some vestige of hope or joy in her otherwise joyless life? Some reason for us to continue reading?
-Also, be real sparing when you use "flashbacks," memories of what has already occurred. Most of the time it's better for us, the readers, when you can transport us INTO moments instead of just TELLING us about them. SHOW us by putting us there.
I think you have the beginning of something worth working on...keep going with it, see where it takes you!
I enjoyed your piece with its storm and the smells I could almost inhale...I love a good storm!
-Your commas are plentiful and become a little distracting, especially when they contribute to creating run-on sentences. Many of your commas should be replaced with periods, or a conjunction (and, but, or) needs to be added. Commas should only be used when they are seperating two complete thoughts (in addition to a conjunction), seperating a word or group of words from the rest of the sentence (usually adjectives), or when there is a listing: air, water, and sun. At any other time they are unnecessary.
-I like your "take" on a storm, but what could you add that would make this storm something special? You say the storm was in Mexico...was the air heavy with a mixture of spices and fresh soil with the coming of the rain? Was there humidity weighing down the atmosphere, perhaps a kind of humidity you're not used to? What was it about this particular storm that prompted you to write about it? Share something new, unusual, exciting with us!
I like your ending paragraph about the animals drinking from the puddles; nice touch!
I like your writing; you have a blunt, clean style and nothing is wasted with you!
-I'm not sure I can call it a story because I wasn't sure of its meaning. Plenty of stories are repressive and pessimistic, and they're still full of merit and plenty to "say" about the human condition. I'm just not sure what this story was supposed to convey.
-I don't even feel the need to know more about this man, actually, which is unusual for me with a story this sparse, but what I really want to understand is WHY. Why was this tale important enough for you to impart it? How did his "holy roller" friend tie in with what he witnessed next door?
-There's nothing wrong with ambiguity in a story-I'm a master at it, myself-but when we leave a story wondering why we read it, that's too much unsaid, too many questions without enough tantalizing information to guide us into answers. I think this character is worthy of MORE.
I do like your style-even though the story doesn't stand alone well in my mind, I can certainly see this as the beginning of something interesting, solid. I'd like to read more about this person and his world if/when you decide to flesh it out.
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I think this idea is INSPIRED and want to be a part of such a great deal!
Thanks for sharing it.