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176
176
Review of Ailbhe  
Review by susanL
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am very much enjoying this story of yours! First of all, thank you for your kind words about my own story. I can tell that you've worked very hard on this writing, and you should be PROUD of yourself!

I saw a few misspellings I can help you with:
-You put "ounce" at the beginning of your story, it should be "ONCE"

-"noise" in most of the story needs to be "NOSE"

-the word "INTERRACIAL" does not need a hyphen; it can go together as one word.

-"night in shining armor" needs to be "KNIGHT"

-"assholes" doesn't need to be seperate, it should be one word

-"whipped" should be "WIPED"

-some other grammatical things I noticed were;
*a change in tense at the end of the story-you have "had" in one sentence and then changed the tense with "don't" in the next sentence. Decide which you want it to be and change one of the words for past or present tense.
*"NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED" with hyphens; "NON-ATTACHED" with hyphens.

Hope this helped you a little. You're doing a GREAT job and working hard, it's noticable! *Smile*
177
177
Review by susanL
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This poem is definately raw and heart-felt. I like the part about time being the enemy...I feel the clock ticking and have started considering that to be so...and I can get pretty depressed about it if I think too much. Which of course I DO!

I'm not much of a poet myself, but I have taken a few classes with a great literature professor who is one and pounded poetry into our heads; made us write some, too. His big "thing" was structure to a poem, so I guess my main advice to you would be to find some sort of structure for this poem so that it doesn't feel fragmented, so that if flows effortlessly.

You have so much to say, please keep writing!
178
178
Review of The Enemy  
Review by susanL
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really like your poem and can identify with it mightily. You've rhymed pretty effortlessly...at least it LOOKS effortless, which is the key. I, personally, prefer rhyming poems, even though they take more time, because of exactly that--they take more time and your talent is showcased, in my opinion, by your ability to find words that fit.

As for the rest of it-you don't really need all those commas. Another mark of good poetry is that, even though you rhyme it, it should flow smoothly. You don't want that sing-song of Mother Goose, which is what the commas cause. Sometimes commas are a useful tool in poetry, but here, they take away from what you want to say. Read the poem to yourself, and find the completion of thought before you use punctuation.

Overall, this poem ROCKS.
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