Ah, of course your lovely, eager comment when you posted your story in my "romance" contest has me feeling more guilty than ever Yes, I'm just now getting to the reviewing/judging...circumstances did abound, but still I went far too long and for that I apologize and send GPs...
That said, I read and enjoyed your entry, although I do have to mention that it doesn't belong in a short story contest, being far more than a short story! You are definately full of writing talent and it was enjoyable to read--
-But I'd like to see you branch out more with your choice of story. While this tale certainly didn't follow "Cinderella" or any of the mimic stories that have fallen out of Hollywood exactly, it was still similar enough that I didn't feel you used your imagination as much as you could. I LOVED your writing style and the wording you used for the time you chose is lovely, but the story still feels "already-told." You have SUCH TALENT that I'd like to see what you could do with something completely fresh and completely your own...!
Let your mind wander and who knows what you'll discover hidden in the depths
Of course I had to click on this link when I saw it showcased in the "newbie" section of wdc's webpage
Bipolar disorder is a defining fact of my life. In fact, speaking of creativity and bipolar disorder , you will find many members here who either have the condition or have a family member with it. I have an almost-grown (theoretically) daughter with it, my elderly mother has it, and I am cyclothymic. I was impressed by your informative, cohesive words and the ease with which I was able to read them aloud...my daughter happened to be in the room and I couldn't help sharing. You didn't necessarily impart anything we don't know, of course, but you organized the subject matter in a way that brought it all together nicely.
I would urge anyone who knows or thinks they might know someone with bipolar disorder to read this essay. It's easy to comprehend and could help in understanding that bipolar disorder is as much a chronic, treatable, medical condition as diabetes. I like to say that it's a medical condition with behavioral symptoms.
I have an essay of my own you might find interesting: "Invalid Item"
Thank you for writing this timely piece which will hopefully prove informative to those who need to know.
Here is something I don't see enough of--great dialogue!
I like a story that uses not much else but dialogue to set up a story, especially a mystery story...when you can keep the reader involved in your tale by simply using a conversation between co-workers, you've done great work as a writer.
I DO like they way you tell this story, but I have a bit of "issue" with the plotline, itself. Your protagonist came up with an answer to Ernesto's problem with a bit too much ease and yet not enough...clear as mud?? I'd like to see you come up with a mystery that's a little more complex, and give your protagonist a little less "insight" for it. Using his skills from "pretend detecting" has good potential and your character is great fun with his vivid imagination, but he came up with too much information for simple puzzle-solving. He'd have to possess some inside knowledge we're not aware of to be capable of the entire scenerio surrounding "senior's" duplicity.
I think this story has fantastic potential and I really liked the way you used this guy's imagination at the beginning--I think you could pepper more of that into the story, perhaps create a series of stories using him! Let me know if you decide to do something like that, I'd love to read more about this fellow!
I decided to read this story because its title reminded my of a young woman I know. She's only eighteen and lost her mother when she was fifteen in much the same way, only her mother hadn't even been ill. The day before she couldn't be awakened, she took a spill down the stairs in their house, and then the day progressed as usual. Until she was gone the next morning.
We never know how long we have with the people we love. Thank you for sharing your own experience; it will be invaluable to someone who somehow needs to read it.
I like this very much; it's certainly different from the usual fare--that's what I LIKE!
-This has a modernistic sort of flare to it, the kind of writing lauded by universities and writing workshops. Your imagination is evident and amazing.
-The only critique I have is that I want MORE. I could see this being a much longer story about Manga and would love it if and when you decide to add to it...let me know if you do because I'll be among the fist to read it.
Your style is poetic and melodic, almost hypnotizing in its beauty and the way you use words...I'm impressed and will return
Have I mentioned how much I enjoy reading what you write??? Well just in case I haven't...I LOVE reading what you write!!! But surprisingly enough I do have a few comments:
-I'd love to know what these people look like and how old they're supposed to be. One thing I do love about your writing is the detailed precision with which you describe the movements of your characters--it's like poetry to me! But I do think I could be even more invested in your characters if I have an idea of their ages, hair and eye colors--Barry spends so much of his time staring at the ground, I'd like to know what color eyes he's hiding from the world
"oops" he was wrong about the rain. Well durn it.
As usual a thoroughly enjoyable story. If you don't start submitting your writing like a madman I'm going to find you and torture you with feathers until you DO!!!
I really like this story. My mother works at a nursing home and I've seen this sort of scenerio played out before my eyes.
-Right now I feel like this tale is more of a "this happened, then this happened, then that happened." It's sort of matter-of-fact. I'd like to know more about how everyone is feeling and thinking while the story unfolds. We know that Bill was reticent about visiting his grandmother, but instead of TELLING us, you could SHOW us by actions such as refusing to meet his parents' eyes when they discuss visiting and his pounding heart as he walks down the hall towards the room...things like that.
-What do these people look like? Really get us into these characters by giving us a "picture" of them. Tell us if they're young, old, fat, thin--even what kind of clothes they wear or what music they listen to while the action is unfolding. Every single detail can be part of the story of who these people are and how difficult this situation is for all of them.
I think you've chosen to tackle a great story. Too many of us don't understand what it's like to be old OR to watch someone we love disappear before our eyes. Thank you for having the courage to write this story.
This particular verse is so well constructed, so carefully thought-out and written with such simple, stark emotion within solid structure--I'm impressed and you can't read any of MY poems
I also must mention that your antique desk-the introduction to your port-charmed me to no end...I want one, and of course the poetic words to accompany them are fabulous
You had quite the adventure and you communicated it alarmingly well-I felt myself growing dizzy and not a little nauseous from the rocking of the boat
-I like the way you begin with some action, but to clarify the time frame from the first to the second paragraph, you might thank of italicizing the first paragraph or something similar, something to help us understand the "separateness" of it from the very beginning of the tale.
-Because this is a memoir and we should be receiving some insight into who you are, I'd like to know more about how you felt. Did you start out with anticipation and high expectations? Were you excited to get started, looking forward to "party time"? Let us know how you felt and how that changed with the tide, so to speak...sorry, couldn't resist! And in memoir style, I'd like to understand your motivations for taking this journey with your friends. Have you always enjoyed time on the water or were you talked into it? Let us know! Memoirs are all about focusing on the memory from YOUR perspective and perceptions...delve more into your psyche as you tell the story.
You tell a great fish story--okay okay, enough But seriously, you are a really GOOD storyteller!! I was caught up in your descriptive words from the beginning, and your conclusion was fantastic. I look forward to reading more of your work
Thank you for entering my "memoirs" contest, and sorry for the looong wait for a response. GPs are for entering and waiting
A very interesting tale, to be sure! With the kind of work you do, you must have many stories to tell, not all of them with humorous anecdotes like this one. Social work is about so much more than most people realize, and for that reason I think you should consider writing more stories, memoirs, and essays about exactly what it is you do.
-As interesting as this story is, since it's a memoir I'd like to know more about YOU...you could begin the story by letting us know why you chose social work-or it chose you. What do you think of it now that you've been "in the trenches" as opposed to being trained for the job? A memoir should give the reader some insight into not only your world, but your soul.
If you haven't written more about your job and what it entails I encourage you to do so. Yours is one of those professions that I truly believe to be undervalued...social workers have been invaluable to my bipolar daughter and her struggles to live in the "real" world, just as they're invaluable to all the "Lynns"-those who probably don't realize how lucky they are to have people like you in their corner.
Thanks for entering my "memoirs" contest and I apologize for the looong response time. GPs are for entering and the wait
Tears stand in my eyes and my nose stings as I write you a "review." How can anyone review such a tale, the kind where pain is so evident in it's telling, but so is redemption, salvation, and ultimately love.
Marge and her children were lucky to have you in so many countless ways. Too many in your situation would have perhaps called a dr or the ambulance, something similar, but they wouldn't have put themselves totally on the line like you did. You gave the ultimate...you gave everything you had to save a friend--I thank God it worked.
As I read your words I couldn't help but think about the irony of "full circle," how your beautiful Regina, stolen far to soon, was a catalyst to save another. Isn't it funny how life works, and how can anyone deny the existance of a Higher Being after reading such a tale???
You should work to publish this, it's that good. Thank you for entering it in my "memoirs" contest and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond! I am still in the process of judging, soon to be completed; GPs are for entering and for the wait
Truly powerful. I felt drawn into some swirling tornado of emotions when I read this; I felt more than empathy for your situation, I felt IN it.
-I do, however, believe this piece to be only the beginning of what I think could be something really profound and informational. You have shared with us, with this writing, the tangled mess of feelings that brought you to this point, now give us some background, some aspects of what it was you were dealing with. Let us into the battle you wage with your own brain chemistry and how that has shaped you into the obviously talented, intelligent person you are.
THANK YOU for entering my "memoirs" contest with such an honest, telling memory. I've enclosed GPs for entering, and also for having to wait so long to hear from me! I hope you have written more about your experiences and challenges--you do it so well and could help many understand what it is you and so many others deal with daily.
This has to be one of the most impacting memoirs I've ever read. Your son was lucky to have the parents he did, and I'm more than a little sure his life affected everyone he came into contact with. Though he is no longer with us on this earth, his life has meaning in your writing. I've now been moved by him, as will anyone who reads your words.
You've reminded me to hold close to my children. None of us knows what the future holds. All we can do is make the most of the time we have in the here and now, a fact your beautifully-written memoir shares extremely well. It seems John did exactly that.
Thank you for sharing this well-written memory of a son taken too soon. I apologize for taking so long with my "memoirs" contest and send GPs for entering and waiting
ACK! I was EOD in the military and your story is the first time I ever actually saw us acknowledged! So much of your memory took me back to what I only experienced as training...definately a different spin when it's REAL and lives-including your own-are at stake.
-I'd like to read more about YOU in this memoir...how were you feeling, being separated from your family at this time? I think it would be especially powerful if you gave us a glimpse into your heart and soul--how much you were sacrificing to be there--and it would really add punch to the ending, finding the woman and questioning the overall good you were supposed to be doing.
Thank you for entering this intriguing and inspiring story in my "memoirs" contest, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond! GPs are for waiting and entering
The purple hat as a focal point for a memory of "memaw" was definately a great choice! She must have really loved purple
-There is so much about this story that works very well: the way she yearned for that suit but kept putting it off for the needs of others, the reverence with which she treated the "cast-off" hat. I felt, though, that there were some pieces of this story left untold. You mention that she thought "Aunt Sis" was the only one of her children who really made something of herself...how did that feel to the rest of you? Was there any measure of resentment or sadness about it? You also mention that the material used for the suit was garish. Did it remain so after it was made into a suit, even though "memaw" felt beautiful in it?
Overall your memoir provides an air of both nostalgia and mystery. I enjoyed reading it and thank you for using it to enter my "memoirs" contest Apologies for taking so long to review it; GPs are for the wait and entering!
Your memoir moves me beyond words and wells within me emotions I'd long forgotten. Your grandmother sounds a lot like the one I grew up with (I used to hide green beans in the magazine rack beside the dining room table, knowing the wrath I'd endure when she found them but NOT needing her wrath more at the time...I'm still shocked that she would actually ask me why I did that )
The best memoirs bring us back to our own memories and keep us wanting more...yours did exactly that. I love the different way you wrote it, as a letter rather than a story; it seemed so much more personal. The way you ended was so perfect, the full circle of your own grandmotherhood. Thank you for this intriguing glimpse into your memories.
Apologies for the length of time I've taken to respond to your entry in my "memoirs" contest. The GPs are for the wait and for entering I hope you continue writing memoirs-you have a gift for it!
-I'm trying to decide if I like the ambiguity of this story. Your writing talent is so evident it's glaring; I think I'd like to see you flesh this one out. I'm not sure if you wrote it for a contest, but even if you did you should pick this one up and let your imagination go wild!
-I'd like to know what this stumbling guy looks like...descriptions of your protagonist are sparse when it comes to looks, what he's wearing, what about his shoes?? If he's running the shoes have to matter But it would be nice to get a picture from you of this man we "see" in other ways. I picture him thin--is he??
I really like your writing style. You hold my interest with just enough descriptive phrases about the action and surrounding events...I'd so LOVE to see what you could do with this
-I truly enjoyed what you had to say about this "habit" we all share but it also makes me wonder how much more you could delve into this topic. I think you'd do a great job with a deeper, more in-depth essay about it, or even turn it into an article...why do people write and compare it to your own reasons and ideas.
I LOVED the "marathon" analogy and felt "breathless" just reading it You have quite a way with words!
What a beautiful poem! I can see talent shining through your piece...it must run in the family
-Maybe you could break up this long poem into stanzas-a certain number of lines that are seperated-so that we can follow it better. With it being one long poem, it gets hard to remember where I am . you could put a double space, say, after "standing" in the 6th line...and change the comma to a period. Then you could double space after every OTHER 6th line...poems love a certain kind of structure and you'd be giving yours one by doing that.
I think you are going to have a lot of fun at WDC and with your new Grandpa...he's really cool, but don't tell him I said so...it'll be OUR secret
First of all, don't sweat it about the "wrong number" ...I've done it more than once, some people should thank me for a review or two!
I like this poem, can certainly "see" the musician and his/her movements to make music come alive--
-What OTHER sorts of words and/or adjectives could you use with a poem like this that would make it come alive and be more lyrical? You are basically explaining to us, here, what the person does to get the music out of instruments and mechanisms...what about getting the music out of the MUSICIAN?
-You wrote about the "rush" when the base kicks in--go with that rush and find out where else this can go..."paint" the rush FOR us so we can feel what you feel, see what you see. Don't be shy about using flowery or poetic words to express how you FEEL-and do that about the music you play; bring it to LIFE inside our souls with word choice...you can do it, you're an artist
I loved your flow! I'm all about punctuation in sparse use for poetry, so you hooked me with that. Keep going with your feelings about music and see where they take you
OF COURSE your writing talent goes without saying...
-I like these people and can "see" them on this rooftop so clearly...I guess it helps that I've BEEN on Grand Avenue, heh heh, but your characterizations are fantastic!
-I'd like to have more from this excerpt, though, than just storytelling. I feel like we're hearing a story FROM the story but not actually IN the moments...am I being clearer than mud?? I think I'm trying to impart that I'd like to know more ABOUT these women we are only getting a glimpse of in this piece; it seems to be more about "Ramone" and what happened before than the "here and now." I think it would be a little better for us to become invested in these women just a bit more BEFORE we hear stories from "before."
As previously stated, your writing ability SHINES and it's a pleasure to read. I shall return , especially to read the diary excerpt!
Thank you for bringing an issue I've thought about often into an essay for the masses
It's okay to be angry about administrative decisions; in fact, if we don't get irritated once in a while we're probably not paying attention to governmental policy, but that's another story.
But to slam the entire country that gave you all you have just doesn't seem right to me. Fine to make one's opinions heard--NOT fine to tar the entire country with a brush it doesn't deserve.
This...is very interesting. As the sister of the author, um, am I the basis of the very talented sister
-Fred, you've done a really creepily good job, here. You can do all sorts of things with these "journal" entries, turning them into a book of sorts with membership levels of a certain type-I'm not sure which level of membership you need FOR the book, you can check.
I look forward to what more you will create with this interesting character...oh sure, prove me wrong when I told everyone you write non-fiction stuff!!
It's hard to talk about how we REALLY feel, isn't it? Which is basically what this exercise is all about, and I think you do an outstanding job, especially for one who, you say, finds it difficult to share
-You're the second person who's mentioned holding grudges! I think we all do that but seldom admit to it. It's much "cooler" to say, "oh yes, I forgive you," when in reality we are still holding tight to injustice. Very common in all of us.
-Changing your bag...it will change alot as you wade through life, believe me, whether you want it to or not. Every experience affects what goes into that bag. It's what we DO with it that matters most.
Great self discovery exercise; I think I can "see" you and I just got to know you!
Wow. I'm absolutely humbled by your way with words.
-This is an absolutely FABULOUS "text poem." Some people call them something different, but the poet I took a college class from called it that.
-I noticed just a FEW punctuation issues that I might change-I am but a lump of rock; imperfect, cracked, and rough.
Your talent the way you use it is a living, breathing testament of your beliefs, even as you share insecurities and uncertainty...in fact, BECAUSE you share them your faith is so much more REAL to us!
This is a truly lovely piece of work.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/susanl-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 2:33pm on May 30, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Yes, I'm just now getting to the reviewing/judging...circumstances did abound, but still I went far too long and for that I apologize and send GPs...
, you will find many members here who either have the condition or have a family member with it. I have an almost-grown (theoretically) daughter with it, my elderly mother has it, and I am cyclothymic. I was impressed by your informative, cohesive words and the ease with which I was able to read them aloud...my daughter happened to be in the room and I couldn't help sharing. You didn't necessarily impart anything we don't know, of course, but you organized the subject matter in a way that brought it all together nicely.
Oh my, you are a poet of fantastic merit!!
)