This is a really raw, open, honest portrayel of the darkest parts of your heart. I am impressed when someone can be as open as this with emotions that are not easy to deal with, let alone write about.
-I actually like your lack of punctuation: it speaks volumes about where you are as you write this AND keeps the flow going...when it comes to poetry I'm ALL about the smoothness of it
-I did notice that you made two words out of "no where" when it should be one...
-I like the rhyme scheme; although this poem at first glance might seem to be some sort of "stream-of-consciousness" piece, the simple fact of your rhymes belies that idea. I like your "free rhymes," when the words don't EXACTLY fit but work just fine!
I don't like your handle. Considering the talent I've just read, it's not true.
How very interesting, as your stories usually are It's been awhile since I delved into the reviewing game, and when I spied one of YOUR stories requesting a review, well who could resist?!
-I do have to mention that while I think the story ended well and frighteningly, I was also a bit frustrated that we didn't get many answers about the hat and its owner. I don't think you need to give us much, but throw us a bone, heh heh
-I, at first, assumed with your opening wording that the man's nose ACTUALLY fell out of his face Of course I wouldn't be surprised by that in a Wilcox story, but then he goes on to rub it AGAIN so I assume it really didn't...? A LITTLE clarification about the nose thing could be good.
I was "tingled up" by this great little story...thanks, I needed that!
I think this is a great exercise and one every person on wdc should create; I think we get a more clear picture of our own reviewing techniques when we write them down for even US to see
I review a little differently than you, and that's what makes this site so valuable to writers-the diversity with which we write AND review!
Thanks for this little "peek" into your methods. I LOVE your ending paragraph which wraps up this article quite nicely. You can review ME anytime
You have expressed what I try to impress upon those I review:
Word pictures are forever and every bit as colorful and vibrant as any painted picture could EVER be. Your friend who "didn't understand" hasn't read the right book or poem yet
The rating I bestow upon you is the only possible one for FEELINGS from your HEART. I never like to "critique" a person's "soul-thoughts" because that would be like critiquing YOU!
Consider joining us in Blogville on this very site; you have much to impart, it seems, and we would be honored to count you among our masses
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-I think you have a great way with words and the ability to make them dance, but I think you're still holding back a little...?
-I think you should give into this exercise: close your eyes and let your fingers rip across the keyboard! Don't worry about what comes out and whether it "sounds" right, just DO IT! I have a feeling there is much pent up inside your head; give your colorful muses AIR by letting them FLY!!!
-THEN you can worry about getting the words into a certain line and syllable count, etc. First get them OUT. This is YOU..."witholding, unravelling, then soulfully flying."
I'll be eager to see what releases from you
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What a wonderful, powerful story! I love the way you bring us into this girl's thoughts and have us sympathizing AND empathizing with her from the beginning.
-Like the other story of yours that I read, this one has the feel of "narration," which you do phenomonally well! However, I think it would do nothing but ADD to the story if we were taken INTO these situations instead of merely being TOLD about them. Could the beginning start with dialogue, perhaps, between the girls who are scandalized and whispering about Nancy and her daring choice? It would help us to "see" all of this-especially the other girls-clearly if we are IN the hallway of the school when Nancy "sashays" in with "the skirt."
-You are a master narrator and THAT is a feat, so pat yourself on the back! With your narrative style we are brought into your protagonist's mind and that's a GREAT THING. Adding to your style with dialogue and settings will, I believe, make you a flawless writer
-I'm "on the fence" about whether I like the fact that we're not sure of the time-frame in this. On one hand this could be happening NOW in a parochial school, but on the other it has a feel of "yesteryear" to it. Did you intend for us to discern the year for ourselves? If that's the case you might want to stick with the decision; it adds a level of speculation that I believe a short story should have. If you WANT to specify the time-frame you might think about adding a sentence or two letting us know "when" we're supposed to be.
You are a storyteller of merit and I'm SO GLAD I "fell" into your port!
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What an...odd tale, but I wouldn't expect anything less from you
-I got the meaning behind this and was appropriately both a little awed by your prowess in getting to the end point AND in the end point, itself. Very well done, as usual.
-My only "issue" with it is my non-understanding of the weird responses to the doctors questions...?? I'm sure I'm being dense, but I couldn't figure out how or why those responses were so off-subject and strange! Did I miss something? Entirely possible that I DID, but if not, you might want to clarify that just a bit.
Another fabulous offering from a creative mind I envy
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An extremely provocative and "telling" story about an issue we need to be more in-tune with and willing to debunk. I find racism of any kind repugnant and appalling. It amazes me when I come across those who STILL assure people-and themselves-that they are NOT racist and then have "issue" with interracial couples. It's ludicrous.
-I understand your method of telling this story-from the girl's point of view as a story she's narrating, but I wonder how powerful it could be as more than that. What if she's telling the story and then we cut to a scene where the undercurrents of what she talks about are there and we can "see" them for ourselves? Quite often we who don't deal with it every day have no concept of what it's like. I'd like to see you really put us into these moments so we get an idea of what this character goes through, so those of us who don't have to live with it can "get" it.
Very GOOD story with a message ALL should read and understand. I told another girl on this site that the next time I fill out a form I'm going to write in "human" for "race."
How neat is THIS? A poem about clowns in the shape of a ball!
-I could "see" them tumbling and playing while I read,felt totally "in the moment" for such a short piece!
-WONDERFUL use of wording and the "palindrome" style! The ONLY reason I didn't rate this perfect is because I'd love to see you write a second stanza, perhaps a third...? More in-depth, perhaps, about other circus acts OR a look inside the makeup of the clowns? I always have to look deeper I'd also like to see if you could create more shapes for more stanzas
I couldn't resist THIS piece of yours, but I WILL return to find some romance-type stories, which is what I originally ambled in here to find,heh heh. I thought I might try my hand at your contest but feel the need to READ more quality romance before I WRITE it
OOH, your poem is absolutely beautiful! I was caught up in the "swirling mist" and could have SWORN I felt wind and twisted in it
This is my first experience with your poetry and I'm blown away, so to speak You are a stellar poet, of that there is no doubt!
There is nothing I can tell you, other than to request that you continue writing; your way with words is--I know I've used the word before--beautiful.
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What a great idea, to record some of your more memorable experiences and patients when you've worked as a CNA! My mother has worked as a CNA for over thirty years, and I did a "stint" myself...you've totally inspired me!
-I'd like to see you put this into more of a story form...could you incorporate this man's story into one that's more broad about the life of a CNA and the hard work you do? There's certainly MUCH to be told. Many people just don't understand how physically demanding and intense that sort of work can be. It becomes mentally draining as well, when patients are terminal and CNAs are the ones who stay with them to the end. People just don't know.
You've certainly brought back memories. Thanks for giving ME a jump-start into writing about my own experiences and for spotlighting a life well-lived, even at the end, when CNAs were his companions.
-It's very simple but full of meaning; sometimes those are the best kinds of poems.
-the only line that MIGHT not have fit 100% was the "S"...I understand what you were doing with the thought, but every other line consists of at least three words; what else might work that would keep the word use consistent?
-You could even try for something that begins with two words..."my work" and increases in words as you go through the letters--something to think about, anyway.
You are a creative person and I look forward to reading more
I just HAD to read this story of yours since I'm primarily a story writer myself, and I wanted to see what you can do...
WOW! You have a wonderful start! Have you written other stories, yet? You have a knack and a style that I really enjoy; you should consider more story-writing
-This story is mostly a "narration," meaning we're being TOLD about the events in this man's life. For the campfire you probably were correct to do this, but for other stories you write, perhaps you could really take us, your readers, INTO these events instead of just TELLING us about them. You could begin with this man as a grave digger and then "flashback" to his life as he tells it. Have you tried dialogue, yet? You might want to try it and see how you do.
-You have some very minor grammatical issues here, such as no comma where there should be one according to English grammar rules, but I'm going to share a secret with you, something I want you to remember when others review your work: Grammar rules don't always have to be followed! I like the way you've written this story and it's continual flow. You have punctuation in here that is absolutely necessary. Your personal style can dictate the rest, and as I've already stated, I really LIKE your personal style
GREAT beginning with story-telling if you've not done it, before. If you have, SHARE with us because you are talented!! Keep writing stories; I can't WAIT to read more from you
What a wonderful tribute to a mischevious little boy! I LOVED the way you ended it; the story felt full-circle and we were left with a laugh and an awww at the same time. Excellent story-telling!
-I'd like to see you try this with some dialogue thrown in. Really PUT us into these moments instead of just telling us about them; right now the story reads like a narration and that's fine, but I think if you give us the experiences through this girl's poor, tortured eyes the story will really open up and become GREAT!
-There are many commas in here that you could probably eliminate. I once had an English professor that gave me a very basic instruction about commas: read these sentences aloud and find out where you pause naturally. If you don't pause in the reading, the comma is not necessary. If you DO, it IS. Very simple and often works! Also, it's prudent to remember the rules of commas; they separate lists, two complete thoughts connected by a conjunction, and phrases or words that are not essential to the sentence. That's it. I know all this because I'm a comma person myself and had to re-learn my use of them through my English professors in college.
I thoroughly enjoyed this story and needed the chuckle I got out of it...THANKS!!
I haven't read a poem of yours for awhile, so I thought I'd venture a visit. I'm endlessly amazed by your talent and your prowess with poetry...I'm always PRACTICALLY speechless when I read one and know it to be absolutely flawless.
You have so much artistry in your words; how do you DO that?! You paint pictures for the rest of us to stand back and "ooh" about, wishing we could paint them even HALF as well.
I see what promises to be a story that tells an important message:
-Your writing is very descriptive, and in a way that's good, but you might want to ease up on descriptions a bit because the real meat of your story is getting lost in them. I wasn't clear on exactly what was going on with this person until the very end, and I'm still a little uncertain.
-You do some "telling" about this man's life, but I'd like, as the reader, to actually be INVOLVED in the events that have brought him to the place we find him by the end. There seems to be a lot of bitterness in him, but why? And he's in a really low place by the end--why?? Is it simply the mundane ordinary aspect of it all, or is it something more? We readers need to be shown a clear picture of his world and thought processes to figure all this out.
-I'd like to feel for this guy, but I don't know enough about him. Give us a well-rounded character that we can invest ourselves in, one we can empathize with in this situation.
I think I know where you were going with this and I'd like to see you really flesh this story out and turn it into the social commentary it could easily be. Your writing has real potential-I can tell that you are intelligent and have a good command of grammar. Let me know if you make any changes. If you do I'd love to read it again and re-rate it.
PS: write in your bio/block so we know who you are
WOW! What a fantastic story and a provocative look at a condition I've only recently been become aware exists. I'm really intrigued by the condition and absolutly flummoxed that people who produce such an extraordinary child could react the way these people do, but unfortunately there's certainly a ring of truth to it I'd be honored to have such a special child!
-The beginning of your story was just a bit on the confusing side; I thought they'd be inside a cafe` if she was ordering from a waiter, but then belatedly figured they must have been sitting outside at a table?? I'm still not clear on that, you may want to take another look to clarify.
-There were other really minor places where I momentarily got confused by the setting and/or action of the people. Remember that we can't see into your head and sometimes need these settings and actions spelled out for us
There is another writer on this site Ŧĥē Beŋ who has written a fantasy novel with a protagonist who has this condition. So far it only figures prominantly in the first part, but it's probably going to be part of the reason for Ben's character's crazy adventures! It's called "Wade of Aquataine" and is located in his port if you'd care to take a look.
Your writing is really good; have you sent any of it off to literary mags? Your style is perfect for what they prefer, so if you have yet to do it, pick up a Writers' Market book and get busy!
To say I'm impressed with your ability to tell a story would be a gross understatement. You held me from the first sentence until the last. I got to know these people and felt for them through this entire scenerio.
-Your story-telling is amazing, but I noticed one small thing that "niggled" at me while I read. This will sound sort of "funny" but your writing is so good I think it needs mentioning: your thought process feels very masculine. Now that probably seems strange for me to write since you obviously ARE masculine, but when you write-especially when part of the writing will include thoughts from a woman-you need to work at getting in touch with your "feminine side."
-You want your writing to appeal to the masses, and I know it will, but I do believe that it will get even better when you start really tapping into how women think and writing with an eye to that. I'm not saying you should exclusively write with a woman's viewpoint or any such thing. The fact that you are male...it's who you are and your writing should reflect that...but getting more into emotional aspects of women will really help to round out your characters, especially the female ones.
I hope I made any sense with what I wrote! One more point:
-This has the feel of a story that wants to be a novel. I am dying to know more about this man and his life; the woman is a good character, but it's HIM who intrigues me and it's HIM I feel has quite a tale that should still be told. If you expand this into a novel we could even be a part of what he describes to Eleanor instead of being told about it. I love the idea of knowing more about George-much more. You might even think about following Eleanor after this event; her story could be really gripping following this tragic turn of events.
You are an unbelievable writer and I look forward to reading more of your work. Have you sent work off? You should, you are destined to be published.
Oh WOW. I know where you're coming from--not because I am bipolar, but because my daughter is.
It may sound weird to say I know how you feel, but living with my daughter has taught me much. I can feel her pain...and my own because I can't make it go away. Its intensity can rob me of breath, sometimes.
Your poetry is flawless and relays very well the chaos that is the bipolar mind. Thank you so much for this; I plan to show it to her.
I can't give this really emotional rendition of a hectic teenage life anything less than a perfect score.
-I must take issue, however, with your statement that you were too young to retain what happened to you as a young child. Most psychological analysts agree that a person's basic personality is formed by the time he is two years old. Whether your conscious mind remembers these incidents or not, rest assured the the basic part of who you are-the core-remembers what happened to you vividly.
I have a memoir vaguely similar to this one if you'd like to take a look: "In My Father's House"
Really provocative analogy; very well thought-out commentary--
-You had me with this poem right up until the end; "you wasted all that time..." The problem with that line is that those who feel religion in their souls don't FEEL they've wasted their time. I LOVED how the horses tripped each other up and were basically useless as a result. I just think a more compelling message for this would be that no matter WHAT you think or believe, isn't it a waste of time to trip each other up??
-Your stanzas had the feel of couplets, but the syllables were off. Did you do this on purpose or was it just something that happened? I think your poem would be more powerful if you structured the couplets a bit more; I think the irony of your message would be more evident with "springy" couplets that would sing-song easily.
-And just a PS and by-the-way; this has NOTHING to do with the rating I bestowed upon you but I MUST say it. Many of those who attend church, mosque, synagogue, etc are extremely intelligent and exercise their minds every single day. Many DON'T, but don't tar all of them with the brush of ignorance and stupidity. Unfortunately there are too many of them, but they do NOT comprise all religious people.
Overall, I really liked what you had to say in this and feel it could be truly GOOD. But I do think you should re-think the last few stanzas and what you want your message to be with this. YOU might not be religious, but so many in this world ARE and it's folly to think most of the world would stop simply because it starts wars. It's too much in the fabric of humanity-I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm simply stating fact. I hate the idea of your really stellar message in the first part getting lost by the last part...to me the message was about the folly of PEOPLE and their petty arguments, their need to be RIGHT at the expense of peace. Just some thoughts.
What a heart-wrenching story with a profound lesson for us all!
I hope more read your story, it's message is powerful and real. Don't judge someone by ANYTHING...not the color of his skin, his clothes, his cleanliness, his worldly worth. You don't know him until you've stood for at least a moment and observed. Observed his soul in action.
FABULOUS story! Your writing is clear, wonderfully descriptive and a joy to read...thanks for sharing it
-However, it's not an essay An essay would be longer, for one, and usually an essay consists of the writer's stong convictions about something or at least information about a topic. In other words, an essay would be persuasive or informative, as a rule...and nonfiction, of course.
-This writing reminds me more of a poem. You should look carefully at this and re-work the placing of your words. I think the language you use, here, is ornate like a poem SHOULD be...now all you have to do is decide what sort of format you'd like to showcase it with.
-Most poems, as I'm sure you're aware, consist of a certain number of lines within a certain number of stanzas. If you go with the "poem" idea for this piece, decide what sort of format works best. You can be really creative with your placements and make your meaning even more powerful and understood!
If you go for the poem idea, let me know and I'd love to read it again!
-I like the idea behind what you've created; I can see where your mind is headed with this, but you need to SHOW US where your mind is headed. It's good to make the reader do some work of his own to decipher a story, but not TOO much. This man is writing a story--what is he writing? Is it the writing itself which causes the transformation, or is it something else? Is he compelled to write because of it? There are many, many unanswered questions, here.
-I think this story would BLOOM if you would give us a glimpse into what this man is WRITING. If you had his story, perhaps, come to life in this manner THROUGH him...but we have to know that. Is he writing, "the monster raged through the halls, bellowing his discontent and ready to destroy everything in his path..." then he BECOMES the very think he writes??
-We most definately need more of this story...I think you have more in your head; remember, we can't SEE into your head, you have to spell it out for us, let us know WHY and HOW events occurr. Pretend that you are relaying a story to a friend of yours--you have to give us the details before we can understand the subtleties.
Keep working on this story; I'd like to see what you do with it.
I don't know if you recall, but since you read/reviewed my essay about road rage, I felt it only appropriate to do the same with this story !
-I very much enjoyed the basic idea with what you've created, but I do feel that's what it is so far--a basic idea. I'd LOVE to see you develop this further, perhaps lead us into this man's life. Is he normally a dedicated, Christian man but he seems to think road rage doesn't translate itself into good/bad behavior and his beliefs? I'd like to walk in his shoes a bit, find out what makes him tick.
-I'd also like to see more of his move into a renewed attitude about road rage. Perhaps his son says something innocent about praying for his rage behind the wheel...? Just a thought. Usually it takes a jolt of some kind to prove to us "jaded" adults that we're not DOING what we SAY.
You have a nice idea for a really good story with a fantastic moral behind it, one I think would "speak" to many. It really saddens me when I witness road rage-type behavior from a car with a Christian decal Let me know if you add to it; I'd love to read more!
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Of course I wouldn't be surprised by that in a Wilcox story, but then he goes on to rub it AGAIN so I assume it really didn't...? A LITTLE clarification about the nose thing could be good.
I'd also like to see if you could create more shapes for more stanzas 
I'd be honored to have such a special child!