I like your poem, could really empathize with its words and meanings.
-Of course I'd like to read MORE! This feels like the first stanza of a much longer poem...really reach into yourself and find more-I know it's there-it READS as if IT knows there's more!
-Perhaps you could even name some of the writers who have inspired you...I know this brought to mind, for me, the greats I have studied and read-the ones I'd be humbled to even be partially associated with---William Faulkner is my personal hero! Who's yours? Maybe you could include a stanza to showcase him/her.
Thank you for reminding me of what I strive for and why...I ENCOURAGE you to add to this lovely stanza...I'd love to read it if/when you do
I think this is a great beginning to a really interesting voyage. I've always enjoyed "period" pieces and yours reads as well as any of them.
-I'm waiting, though, for more conflict. I'd like to have a good reason to continue with this story; I think some conflict needs to be introduced in this part of the story. I see some hints with the boy and the stepmohter, but can you delve into these situations more before the end of this piece?
-AND are you planning to do more with this girl? I'd love to be "in" her world more, especially when she lands!
-What does this girl look like? what about her companions and family members? I'd LOVE to get a picture of them!
I think you have an intriguing start with this young woman. Keep working on her, she deserves it
What a great story!! I really warred with myself over what to rate this because the story itself is so innovative and GOOD!
-I rated this a little lower than I truly wanted, though, because I had a few grammar concerns to share with you (lucky guy), heh heh. You really like prepositions...a little too much, she said with a smile and wink. Example: "...when Light appeared it was confused and afraid of the place it had came (and this should be come) to." It's not as taboo to end sentences with prepositions, anymore. If you'd been writing 20 years ago you'd have been burned at the stake! Well, okay, maybe I'm exaggerating A LITTLE, but the point is we can do it, but not to a great extent, and only when doing it would add to the content or sentence structure. That said, you use prepositions like this ALOT. You can eliminate that "to" in the example sentence and it won't even be noticed. Re-read this and you'll find more like that.
-You also tend to use conjuncions quite a bit and create some run-on sentences that are a little confusing to read. Example: "Many times did Darkness consider telling her to leave, but light was no longer some frightened child, but that of his partner..." I hope you can see what I mean if you read this for yourself. Also, I think you had another "preposition moment," there. The word "of" created some confusion for me. Anywho, rule-of-thumb for comma/conjunction sentences: only use them ONE time in ONE sentence or it gets convaluted and confusing.
The "grammar issues" I've mentioned here are very common and have simply become habits for you. We all get them. Since you're aware of them you'll be able to eliminate them and your writing is going to be AMAZING. I really do love your imagination
Susan
VERY NICE piece of work! I enjoyed your descriptions, especially of Benny. I felt that I knew him.
-In the 5th paragraph you wrote "...wrinkly he had grown from his last true look." I think you meant SINCE his last true look.
-I think you could eliminate some of your commas; I harp on this, just so you know that you're not alone ! For example: "David Benjamin lay in the grass, a few..." No comma is necessary, there. Read this aloud to yourself and discover where natural breaks occur and where they don't. No break, no comma. I was given this trick by an English professor-sometimes it works!
-I don't think you need that last sentence: "The driver had no time to break the car." Let us, the readers, discern what happens--it's not difficult, and I think it would be more chilling. Perhaps you could add "traffic" after "Mopac Expressway" to give us a better idea. We'd get it, and the ambiguity of it would make this story just about PERFECT! Ahem, my opinion, of course
I like the premise of this poem; you hit your topic hard and fast-an excellent way to ellicit emotion from your readers!
-I think you could eliminate some of these commas; I feel that poetry should be able to flow and commas create breaks, some which aren't necessary. Read this aloud to yourself, discover where the breaks may not be needed.
-I REALLY liked the first part of your poem, but your stanza about the glasses started to confuse me. I believe I can see what you're getting at, but be careful of the adjectives you choose: "sunlight glinting messily." Sunlight can't glint "messily," at least not in my experience. What can you find that might fit better? "Paid less than the rest" was also a bit of a poser for me.
-The last stanza was a real challenge for me. "Help with other freakshow's, when the freakshow's, show's begin." I think this might be a grammar problem, a big reason for the confusion. Do you want the words "freakshow" and "show" to be plural or possessive? If only plural, the apostrophes need to be taken away. The commas are also a problem, I think, because the flow of this is interrupted by them, hence your real meaning is not coming through.
You have a great start to something that I believe will be awesome--Your meaning is chilling, but that's GOOD!
This felt like an honest portrayel of a difficult, uncomfortable time in your life. Many of your descriptions-especially the one of the coffin-were great!
-There are a few minor grammar issues, nothing big: I believe you meant "Hearse" for "hurst", "Shadow Lands" is one word if you're referring to the movie, and it needs to be italicized (the preferred way) or have quotations around it: "Shadowlands".
-I was confused when the funeral home director said, "we're going to have a little prayer service." Isn't the funeral starting?
-I'd like to know a little something about your aunt; you said at the end that you were just getting to know her--is that because you were older or had something else occurred to bring you two closer together? Even a few sentences about who she was would probably suffice, since the focus of this is the funeral. What would she have thought of the lavender coffin? Give us a hint of her personality so we can FEEL with you.
You have a solid biographical piece of writing. Good luck with the contest!
How very sweet! It's a great idea that you take memories from the life you've shared with your grandchildren and immortalize them in words.
-I'd love to read the stories you all came up with! You might not be able to remember all of them, but take a stab at recalling as much as you can and getting them into print, as well; perhaps not in this particular piece, but maybe another?
-Even with memories "poetic license" is allowed too, so you shouldn't worry about the stories being exact. The awkward efforts of small children are so endearing, too!
-I'm not sure I quite "got" the correlation between grandpa being called "that old guy" and the rememberence of these moments with the grandchildren. Maybe you could clarify that, be a little more explanatory with the transition into this memory.
What a wonderful gift for family members! Keep doing this sort of thing--they'll be enchanted by it and it's MUCH better than any gift from a store!
Really nice! My father lived in Houston for a number of years but I never saw the area you describe...and I can't believe your father was a teacher, yet you had to live in such a place! I know teachers don't get paid much, but I'm thinking Houston might not have been the best place for your large family. My dad is a journalist, and trust me, they don't get paid much, either.
I think it's tough to be a growing boy, especially one who, in any way, comes off as "different" to his peers. I don't have any sons (3 daughters), but my nephews came to stay with me for the summer, and my 13-yr-old nephew was "challenged" by other boys all the time! At the pool, the Y, anywhere he went there was a "challenger." He's short for his age, a little plump, and very easy-going. He's had to learn, though, how to defend himself. What a rite of passage for a young man, sigh.
Thanks for sharing your story, everybody has one, and I think your question at the conclusion was a nice touch.
I like this very much! Of COURSE I especially enjoyed your message of gender equality packed with other timely hints...love the "dogma" comments and completely agree!
-I didn't quite understand the placement of "YHWH"-it seemed sort of out of place in this particular piece. I know what you were going for-and it's tough to think up "y" words-but it just didn't seem to fit.
Great job with this...I will keep it as a favorite!
I cannot understand why ANYONE would bomb this!! Am I missing something?!? I find your poem innovative, caring, telling.
-I do see some commas you could eliminate: "released, upward..." You don't need that comma and several others you've used at the ends of lines in stanzas. I am a fan of allowing your poetry to flow-no need to use commas when no pause is called for.
The ONLY critique I can find! This also speaks today, particularly after the hurricane that's buffeted our Southern states. I'd love to see what you could do with that...but no pressure! Fantastic job!
-But I don't really see the "abusive" overtones. Her husband, when he calls her and breaks the reverie, seems like a normal husband speaking of mundane things to his wife. I could understand her breaking away from boredom, but abuse isn't present anywhere.
-If this is about a knight in shining armor, I'd like to read about his rippling muscles, too! I really want to "see" this knight...maybe it's just me...
You are a weaver of good stories, I can tell. I don't usually read this type of literature, but I couldn't resist delving into your port, and I'm glad I did!
-I don't know what the contest entails, but maybe you should focus on one of these Barbie ideas?? I don't know what the contest is looking for, but make sure they don't want just one idea and this plethera is within contest guidelines.
-You have some great ideas in this piece; did you use any sort of structure for them-some sort of pattern? If not, maybe you could group them-perhaps the "salon" Barbie could go first, gradually working your way to the "mom" Barbie after the "frumpy PMS Barbie" and others.
And I couldn't resist-I just HAD to get into the act:
-How about "single-parent" Barbie with arms of steel and a caffeine buzz, necessary after three hours of sleep and a screaming toddler?? Or "mom-of-teenagers" Barbie with half her hair gone (she pulled it out) and the other half gray with her children's names on each one?? And I won't even get into "real-wife" Barbie with a husband who...yeah, let's not even go there
I really like the idea of this story; I think you have a great idea for an intriguing story!
-My first concern begins with your word usage. You use alot of the same words-mostly nouns-over and over again, making the story seem more elementary than it should. Example: "Taking a quick note of the times...he looked for the earliest time. This was the time..." You can see what I mean, I hope. You also tend to do this with the word "guard" and several others. How can you vary words and still keep the meaning? How about something like this: "Taking quick note of the times she had previously entered the building, he searchest for the earliest. He would keep his eyes glued to the moniters, then, so he wouldn't miss her." You can see the meaning clearly without using redundancy...it makes for much better flow.
-And commas...there are rules about commas and when they should be used--to separate two complete thoughts, separate listings, or to set a word or set of words that are descriptive apart from a sentence. In any other case the comma is usually unnecessary. Example: "The girl of his dreams" lived in the apartment building, he was..." The comma is not needed there. This is a habit that you might want to seriously address. I had an English teacher in college who told me to read a piece of writing out loud to myself; if I didn't pause naturally in the reading, the comma was unnecessary! It tends to work in some cases.
Don't forget to do A LOT of reading, that's how writers get better...they read, read, and read some more! And keep writing, too. I'll be looking for more of your stuff-I don't think I have one piece on this site that hasn't been "overhauled" at least twice!
Woooowwww! I haven't been so caught up in a story since the last time I was so caught up in a story...well, I'm sure you get my drift!
-You have an amazing talent, no question. I loved the way you titled the disjointed episodes of this lost girl's life. My only real critique is that you sometimes "spell out" for us what you shouldn't, as in "Verge of Failure," when you told us about the father and how she felt about it all. The picture was a great tool, but don't tell us the rest, let us guess from the action. Keep your story "bare-bones," that's how it works best; that's what gives it that creepy quality!
I could smell all that paint, could even smell the sting in her nose when she "sniffed." You have a gift! I'm anxious to read more of your work.
HI Chuck, and welcome to writing.com. It's a great place for people who want to improve their writing abilities.
-First, you labeled this a "short story," but it's not really that, not yet. A story is defined as having a clear beginning, middle, and end. I can't really see that this writing has any of those YET. This reads almost like a journal entry at first, and then maybe the start of prose poetry with the second part. If you want to try for a story, the first part could be a good beginning, but then you have to follow tht with a more clear explanation of who this person is and why he's so unhappy. We need to have a much better idea of the actual STORY. Remember that your readers are not psychic: they can't see inside your head so you have to explain these happenings to us.
-With poetry, however, much less explanation is needed. Poetry can be a simple evoking of emotion and we readers are left to discern its meaning more than with a story. Poetry needs to have SOME clarification-it has to make some kind of sense-but not like a story.
-There were some misspellings, enough for them to be distracting, so use your spellcheck to help you with that.
So overall, simply decide what you want this to be. If you want to go with a story, let us into this world and guide us through it. If you decide to go with poetry, try to make it stick together more completely so we understand it better. Keep writing, and remember that you can learn alot from this site!
I have no idea how you could possibly improve upon this wonderful poem. I've never asked if you've been published...oh, you SHOULD be! You truly are a great poet.
Villanelles aren't done enough; I particularly love them because they flow well without the sing-song quality that's sometime difficult to overcome with more popular structures...you know the ones I mean!
I could "see" these two-the older boy, the younger girl-or perhaps the same age and he just began to really notice her? I was charmed.
I'm glad I clicked on your piece; it was different and I learned alot from it. There are few problems with your writing-the few I noticed being grammatical.
-I Do have issue, however with the content. I couldn't decide, during this entire piece, whether I was reading an actual story or an essay. I came to the tentative conclusion by the end that it was several small stories and an essay all rolled into one. That's not always a bad thing, but it was really difficult to figure out where one story ended, another began, and the essay went on.
-Basically, I think you need to be more clear in your transitions. When you move on from the story about the barrel maker, let us know! I kept waiting for him to reappear, but my wait was futile. Be clear with story A, story B, and story C. AND be clear when you are imparting information or opinion as an "aside" to the stories. There are plenty of good writers who follow this path you've chosen, but it's definately more difficult than the conventional. You might want to also be clear that this is several short stories sprinkled with essay in your description because I was taken aback by its structure; I was looking for a protagonist and beginning, middle, and end, when I actually got much more.
I ranked you lower than I normally would have, considering you talent and obvious intelligence, simply because of the confusion facter in this piece. If you add clear transitional elements to it that will be cleared up and I'll be GLAD to re-rate it and give your writing the score it deserves. Thanks for sharing so much interesting information. I remember some of it from a college ancient history class, but you certainly expanded on it and I"m a history buff!
Hmm, an interesting take on being the object of a child's tantrum...or in this case, children!
-I Do like the premise, but maybe you could bring into the fact that it is the DOLL speaking more slowly, more subtly. I'd love to see you come at this story by simply explaining "her" feelings and the pain accompanying this ordeal, then allowing us, the readers, to finally get what's happening as you explain the action. The girls might even speak aloud during their argument and give us the story of how the dolls came to be theirs in that way.
-You have quite a few "hads" in this, commonly a practice referred to as "passive voice," something that many will tell you is poison! I don't really believe that, but I also think you need to cut down on them in this story. Sometimes passive voice works, but I don't think it does in this story.
Very interesting twist to this story, I really enjoyed it
This story is different, very provocative and inspiring thought-interesting.
-I think you might need to give your readers some credit...in actions, we could easily ascertain that Peter is a very religious man. Let us figure out in Sarah and Peter's dialogue that he considers the bible his "roadmap." In other words, don't spell out for us what the action ALREADY tells us. It's good that the action translates into your intent, it's a mark of good writing.
-I feel like you speed through Peter's reactions...they're all there, but they are quick. You could probably spend more time describing Peter's state of mind before he decides to do himself in-that's a really radical choice and most don't go that far in their grief process, so what takes Peter to this brink? What makes his reaction so extreme? In this instance, we need more evidence in your descriptions of his inner psyche to buy into it.
I like your story, the idea is really intriguing and I'd like to read it again if you make any changes. Thanks for sharing it.
You have some really nice descriptions in this story...
-But the descriptions, the way you have of putting us into this woman's life, ends when you abruptly tell us that this guy is a stalker...huh?! We barely met the man before we knew that. We are suddenly thrust from being a PART of this woman's life to only READING about it, being told "after the fact" of a heinous time in her life.
-this story would be SO much more powerful if, perhaps, she could be remembering back to her first meeting with this person and we gradually reach an understanding for ourselves, through action, just who and what this person IS. It's the old saying for writers--"SHOW, don't TELL."
-Don't do the reader's work for him. In telling us who this person is and then giving us a simple narrative of what she's been through, we don't have to think; you are informing us matter-of-factly and all we have to do is sit back and read the words. This story has way too much potential for you to do that!
I'd love to see you do more with this situation and your characters. I know you said it was for an assignment, but it's not anymore; you could really expand on this and I'll bet you could come up with something GREAT! One of the stories in my port, "The Walk," started out as an assignment too, but I've worked on it so much it barely resembles the work I turned in years ago. You have a real talent for descriptive writing-I LOVED the first part of your story when she was walking in the woods, it was wonderful! Let me know if you do more with this story, I'd love to read it again
This is great! I always enjoy reading when a writer can be so complete in so few words. I could here this child's laughter simply by reading the words you wrote--great!
I really enjoyed the simplicity of both the content AND the style. You said so much with so little and your minimalist style worked well, too. A really enjoyable read!
NICE! Very little said and yet so much. I was drawn into your simple style, taken properly aback by the ending question. My usual advice with a piece this short is to add to it, but I don't think you can. I think you've said all that's necessary with this small bit. Congratulations-very few are capable of that!
I like the sentiment of this--I think you've most likely voiced the feelings of many who feel too timid to say such things...including myself. I don't think I feel timid so much as "outnumbered," so I'm really glad you spoke out.
-I'd like to see you perhaps expand on this topic to give some advice on what we might be able to do for people who die in senseless ways. What kinds of contributions would REALLY make a difference to those two boys, or to anyone who dies in a senseless fashion? Shrines dissipate, are gone. But ACTION lives on to help others in similar situations. At least we can hope...
I really enjoyed this--who among us has NOT been there, searching endlessly for something to write with or on when we feel inspiration has surfaced and will bury itself again if we wait too long?!
-I Do feel, however, that this little "ditty" is half done. I think you have a cute start, but I can't wait to see what ELSE you can find to use for it! When the pen doesn't work, what else do you search for, what do you write on, where do you go from here??
-I'd dearly love to revisit this when you've done more to it if you decide to. I'll re-rate it then, as well, because it really IS cute, just unfinished.
I know it might seem "odd" to review this "guide" into your stories, but I was really intrigued by your descriptions and the way you have led us so easily into your work! Seldom have I seen such a carefully executed and well-organized display--bravo! It surely encourages people to "browse" into your port (and mind) to discover who might be behind such a labrynth!
I know I'll return to peruse (and raid-wiggling eyebrows)
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! For example: "David Benjamin lay in the grass, a few..." No comma is necessary, there. Read this aloud to yourself and discover where natural breaks occur and where they don't. No break, no comma. I was given this trick by an English professor-sometimes it works!
