Title: A good title, but one that does not necessarily capture the true essence of the piece. Is this about Sunday tea? Afternoon tea? Tea with the Queen? Your story has to do with death and sadness and you want your title to give us a sneak peak into that; it should draw us in and make us want to read further.
Subject Matter and Theme: I've read (and written) similar plots and I love this subject matter. It's sad and haunting and, unfortunately, all too often, true-to-life.
Flow and Readability: Well done. I see no problems or issues with the flow of this piece.
Tone and Imagery: Good use of sense, sight, smell, feelings. You could see the white blank ceiling. You could feel the cold, grey winter morning and the warm cup of tea in your hands. I especially liked your description of a "dreamless, death like sleep", as it gave us a peek into what was to come without giving anything away.
Possible Suggestions: Nothing major. Well done!
Final Thoughts: The only issue I had was this: if her tea spilled on the floor, did she drink enough of it to cause her death? Otherwise, the story was great!
Title:
It's short and to the point; a good title that is suitable to the subject of your poem. It sets the stage for it reflects the theme while capturing the essence of your poem and it acts as a portal inviting readers into it. Nicely done.
Form/Style:
A very good write about the gift of love and forgiveness that only a mother could feel. It is concise and succinct while being heartfelt and sad.
Imagery:
Imagery is good as are the descriptives. You utilize this poetic device quite well in this piece. Very good color and shading of your words which evokes emotion through sight, scent and touch. Through the lens of your eye and heart, you paint a vivid snapshot of this gift of love that any reader can appreciate and see in their mind's eye.
Flow/Rhythm:
Flow is good; line to line transition and breaks are done well. Nice rhythm and enjambment.
Metaphor/Personification/Simile:
"Loved like an infant"...using similes such as this can be very effective in bringing image to the reader. Try to incorporate more to your work. I loved how you used this one.
Rhyme:
Nicely done.
Tone:
Lovely depth of feeling; you express the beauty of this gift of love this mother had for her children, even though that love was not reciprocated; that touches the heart. I can relate to this very well at different points in my relationships with my children and I feel for this mother.
Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
I was a little confused on the first verse; punctuation may help that. Of course, this is your work and you are the author; you may do as you wish. This is just a suggestion.
I especially like the following lines:
I don't have a favorite line, but my favorite verse is the last one. Mother has a sense of peace and acceptance. She loves her children and blesses them, despite their neglect. Mothers are like that.
Overall:
Well penned and a most enjoyable read. Write on!
Subject Matter and Theme: Gnomes make me laugh for some reason. This story was highlighted in a newsletter, so I decided to read it to see what it was about. The idea of gnomes taking over your house was hilarious! Very creative. I was a little unclear how the dog dragged the couch over to the door in order to block it (maybe this is something dogs can do?), but I'm not too familiar with dogs.
Flow and Readability: I loved the conversational style between the character and her gnomes. She accepted the fact that she had gnomes in her house (after the shock of it...I don't know...maybe she was tired?) and hey...what's a girl to do, right?
Tone and Imagery: Light and chatty
Possible Suggestions: This part is a little unclear and runs on: " Two weeks ago she pulled a prank I was sure was again blocking my entrance to the house. She chewed a hole in the side of the couch and dragged it in front of the door. "
Maybe it could be: "Two weeks ago she pulled a prank; Lucy chewed a hole in the side of the couch, dragged it to the front of the door, and blocked the entrance to the house."
Of course, this is your story and your vision. You may change it if you want or leave it as is. I am just a fellow writer as you are and would never presume to know more or less than you. It is your choice.
Title: Sets up the story nicely without giving it away completely
Subject Matter and Theme: You lead-in mentioned Lois' fear, but then you gave it away. Maybe you could leave the part out about Tom being a fill-in on stage and draw the reader in to find out what her fear was. Tease the reader a little.
Flow and Readability: Excellent job. One of the best examples of conversational speech I've seen in a long time.
Tone and Imagery: You were very articulate and idiomatic in describing the scene in this story and I could imagine myself at the ballet. In fact, I could almost feel my own cheeks turning red as Lois saw her husband in those tight leotards!
Possible Suggestions: None, other than the summary, which is your choice, of course. This is your work and I would be amiss as a reviewer to suggest a change to something that is your work, your art. It is only a suggestion and my opinion. You may take it or leave it.
Final Thoughts: A very fun story to read and an excellent piece. Loved it!
~Title:
A good title that is suitable to the subject of your poem. It sets the stage for it reflecting the theme while capturing the essence of your poem as it acts as a portal inviting readers into it. Nicely done.
~Form/Style:
I love form poetry and this form is one of my favorites. A very good write about the relationship between music and women that is short, concise and succinct. I get the abstract disconnect.
~Imagery:
Imagery is good as are the descriptives. You utilize this poetic device very well in this piece. Very good color and shading of your words which evokes emotion through sight, scent and touch. Through the lens of your eye and heart, you paint a vivid snapshot that any reader can appreciate and see in their mind's eye.
~Flow/Rhythm:
Flow is good; line to line transition and breaks are done well. Nice rhythm and enjambment.
~Metaphor/Personification/Simile:
I especially like the line "Prick at me with clawing felinity".
~Rhyme:
Rhyme is not applicable in this form of poetry.
~Tone:
Lovely depth of feeling; you express rawness in this piece that I like.
~Word Choice/Spelling/Punctuation:
Word choice is good; nice use of alliteration, assonance with good consonance. No spelling or punctuation errors found.
~Overall:
Good closing line. Just a question: do you like women? Write on!
Absolutely beautiful and yet haunting. I can feel the sense of confinement within, which is what depression does to a person. I'm not sure this is what the poem is saying, but this is what I hear because I have dealt with depression myself. This person wants to break free, but also hides from whatever is outside. Her vulnerabilities are coupled with her strengths, which is what is most beautiful.
High school, and being a teenager in general, is the toughest part of life, in my opinion. People are at their cruelest because no one really knows who they are and so they gnash out at others to make themselves feel worse than they do. It's a vicious cycle.
If I said I liked your poem, would that mean I liked what you are going through? Not at all. I liked the cadence and rhythm of the poem for the most part. It did "jump" in parts, meaning the sing-song cadence of a poem was off a little, but you weren't really thinking of creating that type of poem when you wrote it, were you? This is a cry to God for help when you needed Him and that's a different type of verse altogether.
Keep writing. I've been writing my feelings since before I was your age (decades!) and I have found it really helps get through those times. And writing your prayers, like this poem, is a tremendous way to see how God answers them. You can go back later and see just how He does that!
My first thoughts on this piece was one of beauty and love. Whoever "she" was seemed to have it all; great beauty, everyone's love, laughter, light. But as the story unfolded, you saw this crumble. It was as though she gave too much of herself that she had nothing left for herself until she disappeared.
It seems as shame to even bring up grammar with a piece such as this, so I will only mention one thing: your use of the word "to" in places (she took to many pills, for instance) should be "she took too many pills". There are a couple places this error is made, but you are a good writer and you will find them.
Absolutely amazing. I've read many stories of encounters with angels and, although I've never experienced this myself, I believe they exist in times such as these. The bible talks of angels as God's messengers and are there to help us. Brian is truly blessed.
This so reminds me of standing before my own mother's grave not so long ago, as I patiently waited to hear her voice. Nothing.
Your beautiful, flowing words resonated through me with grace and fluidity. I felt shivers of recognition. I don't know if you're speaking of your mother, but this is who I feel when I read this. I feel sadness, the heavy weight of being left behind and carrying on.
The only issue I could find in this piece was a grammatical one in this line: "They get onto the dewy grass"; it should read "They got onto the dewy grass". Otherwise, grammatically, it's perfect.
I can't wait to read the next installment. The book in this story fascinates me. What is the meaning behind the disappearing words and are they meant for Lissa's eyes only? Why do they keep appearing and disappearing?
Keep writing, Jaci. This has the makings of a great story!
I feel this is the beginning of a great article and should you continue with it, could really be wonderful. I might use more paragraphs for easier reading, but other than that, excellent work.
I am a great fan of fiction. I love getting lost in a good book. It's my escape and I would hate to think that would be taken from me someday. Not to say non-fiction doesn't have its place; it certainly does. But we all need a little fantasy now and then.
I hope you continue to write and practice your skill. This is a good piece and with a little work, could be a great one! I liked the line "have you ever stopped to smell the roses of fictional writing" the best; very descriptive.
First Impressions:
(Write your comments about the story or poem in general.
Things that might make it better:
Nothing could make this better. I'm still smiling!
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't see any issues with punctuation, spelling, or grammar. Nicely done.
Things I Like:
I loved that this story was written from a dog's perspective. The opening line, "Shoes fascinate me." didn't give this away right off because shoes fascinate me, too.
Final Comments
A very cute story, one that is nicely written and makes me smile. The intruder deserved what she got! The nerve! lol
Ah...where do our dreams go? I suppose they must go the way of the mathematics and engineering and all the numbers game or all they would do is go the way of the wisp and willows. we must have the dreamers to dream and the mathematicians to put it all together!
Your poem says it all beautifully. Congratulations on winning 2nd place!
First Impressions:
I love poetry written in this way. It flows gently and is easy to read. Yours is no different. It's dreamy and brings me to another place. I see the pages, golden with age, crinkled and you dare not touch them for fear they would crumble. I love it.
Things that might make it better:
I can't think of a single things.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Punctuation in a poem is tricky; may or may not be needed. I feel it's totally up to the author whether it's used or not.
Things I Like:
The subject line of an old book. Who doesn't love the beauty of an old book, to walk around it, to smell it's scent, to reach out to barely touch? I love the cadence of this poem. It's musical and dreamy.
Final Comments
You've made me want to experiment with Quatern formats. For that, I thank you. Beautifully done. I hope to read more.
First Impressions:
There are many stories written in this genre, but none that I have reviewed so far have described the living situation. It's refreshing to finally read one that describes it so well. Lissa is fleshed out well and you bring the reader in, making it feel as though you are right there with her and can feel the same way she does. Nicely done!
Things that might make it better:
The only thing I might change is separate the paragraphs to make it easier to read. Paragraphs are a little long. This is my opinion and I am in no way an expert. This is your story to tell and you are free to tell it. Also, to expand on the story, if you plan to do this (and I believe this is your plan, does Lissa have any other friends in the bunker? What are some of the activities that they enjoy together?
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I could find nothing wrong with either. Great job!
Things I Like:
I love the fact that Lissa is a reader. She may have been flung into the activity because she hasn't much to do in her situation, but she seems to enjoy it.
Final Comments
I really loved this story. I loved the quote and you surprised me with the ending. That doesn't happen often and I was delighted with the way this story did. Wonderful job!
Hi K-Girl. After reading "Winter Night" I have the following comments to offer.
First Impressions: I love the playfulness of this couple and suspect theirs must be a new love. Even though I'm not ancient (yes...lol), I still remember those days of wanton passion and needing to be together before your burst! I love that you could capture some of that feeling in such a short amount of time.
Things that might make it better: Are Michael and Kristen on their honeymoon? I think this would make the story even more romantic and sweet. That is, of course, up to you; after all, it is your story. But there doesn't seem to be anyone else around so the setting would fit.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: I don't really see an issue here, so well done!
Things I Like: I love romance and especially when couples can incorporate having fun with it and you've accomplished that beautifully in this story.
Well done!
Final Comments
(End with positive comments and encouraging words.)
First Impressions:
Very nicely written. Tight story, creative, interesting plot.
Things that might make it better:
I didn't feel the ending was as strong. I realize you only had 300 words for this contest, so am hoping you'll come back to "finish" the story. I'd like to read it.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't see any problems in this area.
Things I Like:
"When my vision cleared, I saw the ball of light disperse into what had to be thousands no, millions of tiny particles scatting in several directions." This is my favorite sentence because it gives me such a beautiful vision of color...for some reason, I see color here.
Final Comments
As I said, I hope you continue with this story. Nicely done!
I'm not even going to mess around with spelling and grammar because with a letter with this much feeling, those things don't matter. I started crying about half-way through this letter.
My First Impressions: Your letter touched my heart in such a deep way. I'm so glad you had your friend to help you through a tough time in your life and I'm so very sorry you're losing your friend now. If you're a believer, maybe it will help to know I'll say a prayer for you.
Things That Might Make It Better: Nothing. Nothing. Your heart is in this letter and that's all it needs.
Final Comments: I hope you find peace in the fact that animals, and I use this term with apologies for I know your friend is more than that to you, will meet you in Heaven. I hate to say I love this piece, for it would mean I love your pain. I love how you expressed your pain in words. I hope you continue to write. I hope you find peace in your words.
I can never tell whether to use whom/who...I think in this case the sentence flows better using "who", but I guess that would be left up to individual choice. I would watch for use of punctuation and run-on sentences. Break them up a little as it makes your sentences a bit easier to read.
The idea you are writing about is an interesting read. Church people - and I know many - sometimes can be the worst and make for some fun stories!
A few spelling errors, such as (angles) should be (angels).
I have some questions about this story. It jumps around a bit for me, first from the funeral, then to being at Aunt Helen's, then a few sentence's about her Jennifer and James (and not enough information about them to pique my curiosity), and then back to the farm again.
This has the makings of a good story. It just needs some cleaning up a bit. I would suggest putting it in some chronological order, or at least break it up to make sense if you were going for a back-and-forth time line. I do like where the story is going, though.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 5:21am on May 10, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Write on!
)