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51
51
Review of Saving Grace  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Ben,

You are receiving this because we are both members of the group "Let's Publish".

I know the title fits, but I do not think it is distinctive enough.


The house had settled, into the swampy Louisiana soil, into the encroaching cypress forest, into a somewhat addled sense of complacency.

I think you should remove: had.


Good opening paragraph.


The two who got out were not like people in southern Louisiana, and certainly not like those who spent time in ramshackle houses overhung by swamp cypress. The man had loafers with tassels; little more need be said.

In the first part you speak of two men but the last line you speak of only one. I would add something about the other man here as well.


When that lawyer said Aunt Heidi left us this place, I thought he was kidding.

I think you should replace: "place" with "home". I think it would read better.


Grace didn't answer. She found her brother annoying, and seldom returned his phone calls.

I think you should make it more clear that they are there together and he is not on the phone with her.


I would use "Max" earlier.


Grace watched as he stepped back down.

Back down from what"


"Look at this place. Didn't Aunt Heidi ever clean?"

I think you say who is speaking here. I know in the next line you say who it is, but do it here, so the reader does not have to back track or guess.


There was a rustle, and a sighing sound.

I think this line could be better drawn. Make more of it. This is a turning point.


"Looks like the house doesn't like you much either," said Grace.

Good line.


Night was coming on fast, so Max fetched sleeping bags and suitcases.

I think this would read better without "so".


I think the house at the end, or the new stain should make a noise.

Good plot. Good description. Good dialog. However, it is tad cloudy in places but you can easily take care of that.


Alice
52
52
Review of Adriana's Tale  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

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I like the title

Interesting opening.



My sister, she thought.

I think this should have more context.



Within the dark, green-veiled arms of the forest, she hid in her secret place. With her thick, brown hair and large, brown eyes, she bore more than a passing resemblance to her sister.

To me these two lines do not really belong in the same paragraph. The description seems out of place.



Pulling back her long hair and tucking it behind her ear, she listened as the wind soughed in the trees like an ancient lamenting voice.

I think here would be a better place for the description you gave earlier.




It was a beautiful day, a perfect day, but with an uncontrollable shudder,

I think this is a little off. The day cannot have a shudder.


Adriana remembered the sacrifice made to create this perfect day of days and the sheer weight of it bowed her head until the very bones of her shoulders felt as if they would splinter and crack under a colossal mountain of grief.

days,


You know most of the time I really like what you do. This one did not capture my attention. I liked the idea of the ending, but the but it lacked the grace of some of your other work.


No worries. I am one lonely reviewer and others have loved this.


Alice
53
53
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

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Get on the ground now, or I swear to God I will kill you!"

"Get

I cannot even comprehend what such must be like, to understand that you are going to die and to have to consider your entire life in those last moments before judgment,

judgment.


There is one last difference between us that makes the entire encounter quite ironic: they can die, and I can not.

cannot.


I wasn't sure at first but you really won me over. Well written.


Alice
54
54
Review of Winds of Reverie  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I want you to know I read this when you sent it. I love it.


I found this to very wonderful, and thank you for thinking of me and sharing this me. Ahhh, if only someone thought of me in such a way. That's a wind of a reverie I would love to float on.


Alice
55
55
Review of Pauwau and Hassun  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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The warrior wondered through the bitter cold in search of any signs of food. He could not return alone and empty-handed. Ten hunters left the village almost two cycles of the moon ago. He alone remained.

Are you saying that he will never go home because he is the only left?

The warrior wondered through the bitter cold in search of any signs of food. He could not return empty-handed. Ten hunters left the village almost two cycles of the moon ago. He alone remained.


In the quite of night, they disappeared one by one. Five arrows he had lost in the silent shadowy nights, now three remained in his quiver.

"They disappeared" do you mean the arrows or the other warriors?


A pauwau appeared from the side of the mountain. Only her clothing marked her as one of the evil pauwau.

You need to tell us here if a "pauwau" is a tribe, an animal or spirit. What I mean is, I feel this paragraph should be rearranged so say when you introduce the pauwau, why he feared them.


He watched them enthrall strong warriors, yet he had escaped their grasp. Killing them quickly, sending them to the evil for which they served.

grasp by killing



She was young wearing a thick fur of a bear.

young, wearing

She was young and wore a



The warrior shivered in the wind his lips turning blue from the cold.

wind; his

He crawled blindly through the relentless dark night finding a cave in which he crawled.

I would cut: in which he crawled.


I think the last paragraph should been explored more.



Not bad. Good plot. Good use of the prompts.



Alice
56
56
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Deep down inside Billy knew there was nothing to be afraid of. These were old pagan superstitions and nothing more - stories his grandmother told him when he was younger to scare him.

This has been said a million times before. Finding your voice is in part expressing such things in your own way and not as others have.

In fact, you do not need these lines at all.



You should watch the use of "was". It tends to weaken your prose.



If it had been any other day of the week he'd have walked tall next to his schoolmates to prove that he wasn't scared. But it just so happened that Halloween fell on a Wednesday and Billy always stayed late on Wednesdays to take trumpet lessons with Mr. Galligan.

On any other day of the week he'd have walked tall with his schoolmates; proof that he wasn't scared. Halloween fell on a Wednesday, and Billy stayed late on Wednesdays to take trumpet lessons with Mr. Galligan.

This is a little cleaner, a little tighter.


Winter was still a month off, but her breath was already close enough to smell.

Winter still a month off, but its breath was already close enough to smell.

I wish you could go into into how winder smells differently than fall.



Billy hated this time of year because the trees were no longer beautiful.

"beautiful" is one of those words that people think say so much when they say so little.




Only their dead droppings matted the streets and muddled the gutters.

Remove "Only". I mean, it really is not THE ONLY thing.



Fear crawled up his spine like toothpaste being squeezed from a tube.

I would select another word than "crawl" or change "Like toothpaste being squeezed from a tube." I would go with changing "crawl".



There was something terrible approaching and Billy didn't want to stick around to find out what it was.

Something terrible approached, and Billy didn't want to stick around to know the answer.



Someone was standing on the road ahead of him.

Someone stood on



Billy realized the mistake instantly.

I would flip this.

Instantly Bill realized his mistake.



It was the headless woman in white.

The headless woman in white stood ...


He was hysterical and couldn't summon his limbs to move.

Hysterical, Billy couldn't summon his limbs to move.


I am still unsure about the last line. It seems too over used. Too much of a copout. Too over used type of an ending. Maybe if you were to somehow echo the title?


This is better.

I look forward to reading more and more of your work.


Alice
57
57
Review of Ice Queen  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'd think about changing the name. Yah it fits, but it's also really common.

I'd place a line of space between each paragraph. It will make it easier to read.

Again and again the sparks hit the dry tinder.

again,


Why did the Queen do this?

There is no real relation between the two and there should be.

Why is not aware of the sudden change?

There almost seems no end to this. It is kind of like who cares. He started a fire. AND?


I hope you found this helpful.


Alice
58
58
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Your tale has been selected

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Your prize of five thousand gift points has been sent.

I think I will use the skin the tree as an up coming prompt. This story really stuck with me.


Alice
59
59
Review of UN-Blocked  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

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Well you were thinking outside the box on this one.

Loved the last paragraph.

It would be really something if you were to write each of those ideas and give them a link.

I do like this. I do.


Alice
60
60
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hello,

This will not be the only time I will read this.


The grammar, spelling, and formatting are wonderful.


The title is nothing special. Where it fits your story, it does not stand out.


The opening paragraph is well written. I cannot tell you how often horror starts with the weather. I wonder why so many go that way?


Character of Billy well defined.


The setting is given.


Good use of the prompt.


Good plot.


Loved this line: "But now, aged 12 and supposedly stronger than fear, ". Wonderful character work.


Over all this was easy to follow and well written.





Okay you seem to be serious about your writing, so here some more truth...

So why am I not blown away? Here's why: you spend a lot of time on the setup and little on the horror. There is no real tension. Horror, unlike any other genre is an emotion.

What I would do is to keep this and write another, keeping some things in mind as you do.

Consider starting your story here: Deep down inside, he knew there was nothing to be scared of. I think this is a better hook than the weather. Although I would use his name here.

The details you had before could be woven in as you go.

Focus on Billy. I care who he is and where and why he is there, but that IS NOT a story. The horror is in chase and so is the real story.



Do I hate this? NO WAY. You're good. But I'd be willing to bet you could, and will do better.

I hope to see you again, and welcome!

Alice
61
61
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for entering The Curiosity Shop.
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Interesting title.

I like the opening paragraph.


so she had donated a few pounds to my quest and had given me the day to myself (after all I am twelve!).

So



I spotted the shop instantly, it was sandwiched between the butchers and the tea shop and was making a poor attempt at pretending it had always been there.

instantly; it


The affront I had felt as I entered the shop vanished like a rainbow that you would have sworn was there just a second ago.

Nicely written.


A black cat tangoed through her legs.

GREAT!


"Try this on," she said holding it out towards me, "

"Try this on," she said holding it out towards me PERIOD



It was dusty and smelt of mothballs, but then I had marched into the shop demanding Alice explain herself, so I reluctantly donned the hat....... and thats when things got really strange.

hat ... and that's




"Alice, I need to use your phone if I may," I asked her

her.



"It's Lilly actually," I said,

said.



"So why now?," I asked him rhetorically and had to cut him of as he tried to blurt an answer.

No comma needed.


It's a Japanese elm," I asserted, "they flower only once in thirty years."

asserted. "They


I had more revelations for the bumbling police man.

policeman.



"Take this small blue glass bottle, " I said,

said.



India then perhaps?"I suggested.

perhaps?" I




"The color, Lastrade?"I asked him.

Lastrade?" I


A White Elephant, So once again our trail grows cold."

white elephant, so



"Sari." I said holding up the robe

"Sari,"

robe.


"No, my good man..... it is an Indian garment.

man ... it


Please observe the pattern"

pattern."




"Why, its covered with scarlet fish."

it's





I could give you further notes. If you want them, please let me know.



This was so much fun. If it were not for all the little mistakes I would given this a much higher rating.

I love the way you ended this.



Alice
62
62
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Great title.

Love the opening paragraph.

I hugged mom and dad, and went on my way.

Mom and Dad and


When I asked grandma about it she said that sometimes the dark wood reflected the room lights and it looked like there was a light under them.

Grandma

When I went to the stairs, they were normal.

I do not think you need a comma here.


It scared me so bad I slid out of the bed and headed to grandma’s room.

Grandma's


When I entered, a cold chills trickled down my spine like rain dripping off of wet hair.

Good line.


Then I saw a strange tree and under it looked like a costume, only as I got closer it looked more like my grandmother’s skin.

I think you should remove "saw". It is repetitive here and not needed.

tree, and

Creepy!


The wailing came again and I froze in my tracks, turned and ran as fast as I could back to my room, I locked the door and hid under the bed until the sun came up.

room. I


I was so glad my parents second Honeymoon was only one night!

honeymoon


My only real issue is the last line. Not the way it is written. What I mean is what happened to her grandmother. Was she a thing and fine or was she dead?



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Alice
63
63
Review of Holly Hunted  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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I like the title.

Formatting looks good.

The opening paragraph is good. Although I did wonder why she was there.



It had rained the entire time she was there and the Gallow family that she had stayed with were some of the rudest, dirtiest people she had ever met.

I think this line could be tightened.

It rained the entire time she was there, and the Gallow family that she stayed with were some of the rudest, dirtiest people she had ever met.


They wouldn’t be back until evening but Holly knew where the keys were kept and was ready for a nap more than anything else; 20 hours of travelling was beginning to take its toll.

evening, but

If you are in the USA: "traveling".



Holly was back in the Gallows’ kitchen,

I think you should show this is a dream right away to lessen the confusion.


Mrs Gallow was leering at her with yellowed teeth,

Mrs.

leered


Feeling hunger pangs in her stomach again, she was reminded of the food in the kitchen.

You could remove "in her stomach" because you do not need it. Where else would someone experience hunger pains?


On her way downstairs, however, she thought she heard a rustling sound.

I do not think you need "however".


The pack of dogs were so busy fighting over the carcases that they hadn’t noticed Holly come in.

dogs was

If you are in the USA: "carcasses".


Slowly, Holly edged out of the room. She could feel a scream building inside her chest but was too scared to let it out.

Good.


“Hello, Holly!” said Mr Gallow, and the scream ruptured from her lungs.

Mr.



Mrs Gallow was now there, holding Holly’s jacket.

Mrs.


Good use of the prompts.

I hope to see you again very soon.

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64
64
Review of Sardi  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I like the title.

Your formatting needs attention. You should place a line of space between each paragraph. This would make it easier to read.


-
“He’ll come.” Alicia muttered from the deck.

come," Alicia


They wore coats and blankets inside their shirts, but the wind found ways in.

How could they wear coats and blankets inside their shirts?


Alicia was locked in her room that night.

You need to place a marker above this line, to show a transition, such as *** or #.





She realized that her room was very dark and and the ship smelled like rotting food and nothing was ever quiet, and now Sardi wasn’t here.

dark, and the

food, and


Her scarecrow of a companion was floating at the bottom of the ocean now, with his big black eyes and that futting brown coat and his stupid pocketwatch.

companion floated

What's "futting"?

pocket watch.



Steerpike saw him sitting by her bed, holding a silver pocketwatch and rubbing his fingers over it.

pocket watch



Outside the door, a voice was giggling.

voice giggled.


Good sense of place. It was a character in the story.

I feel strongly that your writing holds wonderful promise. I can hardly wait to read again.


I hope to see you in other rounds.


Alice
65
65
Review of Wake  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello again,


This was listed in Let's Publish.


I would change the title. It is too simple and will blend in with many other tales.


Good opening paragraph. It gives us a sense of character and place. What about changing it to the smell of her grandmother.



My grandmother was wearing her pink-and-orange hanbok, that beautiful traditional Korean dress.

The lady was wearing an ugly purple suit.

wore



"Don't be afraid, granddaughter."

Granddaughter. "



I remembered now my mother explaining to me that grandmother had passed away and gone to Heaven, that she had left the earth forever and that this being gone was called dead.

Earth



A slow, steady chord came from the organ, and hundreds of wavery voices joined it to sing an an unfamiliar tune, the sound echoing in the cavernous room.

sing an unfamiliar




Then the bald man was taking the microphone and giving it to my aunt, who said something in a shaking voice.

man took the


She is smiling at me like she did when she gave me piggyback rides and I can smell her.

Earlier, you have "piggyback" hyphened.



You have a lovely story. Your description are so tangible.


The ending: this is the only part of the story that does not feel whole to me. I want to know why she was left the dream diary. I want to if that is more of Korean thing to do, or something her grandmother did. I want to know why it meant something to her other than, it was something her beloved grandmother wrote and gave her. I simple do not comprehend the implications of this gift.



I hope you found the review helpful.


Alice

To Dream, perchance to write...

"Invalid Item" 

They cling to the bones, linger in the heart and sing to you when you're asleep.

Stories are good company: They wait for you, are always happy to see you, don't eat very much and rarely leave messes.


Alice in the land of magic and gore
66
66
Review of Retribution  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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The title gives the ending away.

Formatting looks fine.








It was pitch dark and he couldn’t see anything, but the obnoxious smell hitting his nose made him aware of a sinister presence.

I feel you could make "pitch dark" more your own.




He could feel his breath suffocating and an enormous weight seemed to press down his arms and legs.

suffocating,




The Spirit laughed aloud producing a sound which chilled the sorcerer’s bone.

sound, which




“My blood? Oh, no! What’ve I done?”

I feel "Oh, no!" makes it a bit cheesy.



“Don't pretend to be so inncoent, sorcerer.

innocent




“Coz my child has a terrible skin disease and there was no cure for it!” The sorcerer blurted.

the sorcerer



Something told him that his sins were finally catching up with him.

I think this could have been worded in fresher direction and make it your own: "Something told".



With consternation he found himself within the precincts of the temple of Maakar. He was brought to the same spot where he had skinned countless kids.

With consternation he found himself within the precincts of the temple of Maakar; brought to the same spot where he had skinned countless kids.




It was a cloudy night and he couldn’t see clearly the face of his tormentor.

It was a cloudy night. and he couldn’t see the face of his tormentor clearly.


Next morning, the sorcerer’s lifeless body was discovered by his followers in a puddle of blood.

This too could have said more eloquently and more to your own voice: "Next morning,"



Over all not a bad tale. Thank you for entering. I hope to hear you again.


Alice
67
67
Review of Perfect Fit  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Here is your prize of 5,000 gift points.

Your tale will also be judged for the grand prize of best of the month as well. Good luck.
68
68
Review of The Flames Lament  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
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The title is not bad.

Formatting looks good.

The opening paragraph sets up the story well.



“From fire the world was born.” she had said, “In fire so shall it end.”

born," she


I think you should have used his name more.


Over all I thought this written pretty well, but is not something that is going to stick with me.

Although the set up for the ending was good, you did not follow through on the horror. In other words, you have spent more time on the end of the story than the set up. This is where the true horror lied.


That said, I do hope you will try again. The world needs more stories.


Alice
69
69
Review of Wild Things  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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The title is fine.

Formatting looks good.

The opening paragraph sets up the story well.




They wanted hatred and blood and Max wanted the same thing.

hatred, and blood, and


The beast in his belly growled and purred, pleased with this line of thinking and ready to carry it out.

Great line.



The rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws and gnashed their terrible teeth.

eyes, and

claws, and



They sailed across a day and in and out of weeks and through a year back to Max’s very own bedroom.

day, and

weeks, and

year, back


They ramapeged through his house, sending the screams of the living into the night.

If you are in the USA: rampaged


The Wild Things gnashed their terrible claws dripping with blood and Max was pleased.

claws, dripping

blood, and


I think over all this was pleasant. I felt the ending was too predictable.


Alice
70
70
Review of Midnight Muse  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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I like the title.

Formatting looks good.



Now I sit and stare at the cursor of the laptop.

Should chose to expand this, I would add something after this, like how the cursor blinks or the blank page mocks him.




I pace the small room when I become too frustrated, my cat Midnight would watch me from his perch on the bookcase, but he too has finally given up on me.

became

frustrated;

Midnight watched

too had


My constant companions have left me before I had a chance to self destruct.

self-destruct.


Over all, the opening paragraph sets up the story well.



We would constantly argue about everything from the way I write to why a muse would be called Henry.

everything, from

write, to

Should you chose to expand your tale, think about added a list of GOOD muse names.



What really got Henry going is when I didn’t put enough time and effort into it.

was when



Stacey and kids went to the store which gave me plenty of time to wallow in self pity.

store, which



I was just about to get up and start my ritual of pacing when I heard the soft pats of feet that descended down the steps.

pacing, when



Henry dusted off his jacket and pointed his stubby little finger toward Midnight, I’m positive he was cussing the cat out for dragging him back here.

Midnight;


He shook his head and begun his journey to his little perch upon my shoulder, and Midnight happily returned to his spot on the book case.

bookcase.


This is a cute story and I am glad I read it. Hope to read you again!



Good writing to you,


Alice
71
71
Review of Free Range Meat  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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In horror, you must careful select your titles. While the title fits, it give far too much of the tale away.

Formatting looks great.

"Free Range" means the same in the USA.

Great opening paragraph.

Normally I do not care for first person points of view, but this one works well.



I know her liver’s failing and the swift end she’d hoped for when she hit mama’s medicine cabinet late last night will be anything but.

failing, and

Mama's


Drugs are a curiosity to me, they always have been. Like liquor to a muslim or sex to a catholic priest. They have no effect on me, not that I need them, but what I’d give for a shot.

This seems to contradict themselves to me. These things are forbidden because they have an affect on us. Whereas, your character is not affected be these things. I understand that he would be course, but your motivation here, seems off.


The ordinary peeps in the world, use them for everything, from drowning out junior’s teething cries to writing angsty teenage wails of rebellion with gritty lyrics and dis-chordant guitars and of course they use them to escape.

cries, to

rebellion, with



Like I said, this young lady, all cobweb tattoos and the soot-smeared eyes.

I like most of this line. What I do not care for is "Like I said,". Perhaps: Like I was saying,


Seems like she knew all the words.

Knew the words to what?



Great ending.


With a tad more work, this will something.


Alice
72
72
Review of Perfect Fit  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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The title is not bad.

Love Reanimator.

Is the opening a note? If so, it would be better severed if you were to format it as such.


Maybe Grams could loan him enough to rent a storage unit.

unit?


I didn't want to wake you. Go up to your room and I'll see you in the morning.

Is another note?




You need to mark transitions of time markers. It makes it easier for the reader to follow.



Yes, there are jobs – if you aren't too particular. No, your loser friends haven't gone anywhere. Yes, there are a number of eligible young ladies – if you aren't too particular. He grinned. Despite the circumstances it was good to be home.

This as is seems out of place. It has little context and made stop to figure out how it related to the story.


As quick as they came they were replaced by fear for Gramma.

came,


He peered closer. “Holy s***!” This looks like a tiny brain. A pair of eyes? And in this jar, a rat in some thick greenish liquid. Alive! Wires extended from the animal, through the lid of the jar, terminating at a nine-volt battery pack.

Great!


He flipped to the title page. “Notes of Dr. Herbert West.”

He flipped to the title page:“Notes of Dr. Herbert West.”


“I'm sorry, Davie.” her fading voice sounded sad, “but you're the perfect fit.”

Davie,"


Great story.

You should think about the another name. The title hints a little too loud as to the ending. It spoils it.



Alice
73
73
Review of Loogaroo  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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The title is okay.

The formatting looks good.

The opening paragraph is fine.

Thunder lit up the sky at eerily unpredictable intervals and I was walking home from my parents house clothed in a rain slicker and holding an umbrella.

walked

parent's

house,



I saw her, unaffected by the rain and the thunder, crouched on the ground like she was counting rocks or pebbles washed up by the rainwater.

This could be stronger. Please consider:

Unaffected by the rain, she crouched on the ground counting rocks or pebbles washed up by the rainwater.



She was gloriously beautiful with caramel skin and bright brown eyes.

beautiful,

skin,


Her dark brown hair hung in wet strands around her face and I spoke to her.

face, and


unaware at this point that there was something here for me to fear.

I think the story would be better served if you to remove this line.



She looked up at me and I could swear her eyes glowed.

me,


I found myself quite unable to move and this terrified me.

I think this would be stronger if you were to remove the conjunction.



My pulse rate sky rocketed and I began to shiver in the cold and the wet.

skyrocketed,



It is my curse… my curse.” She spoke feverously.

curse," she


I no longer wondered

This should be the start of a new paragraph.



Her canines were sharp fangs and I was reminded of the stories my uncle (who had a terrible sense of humor and thought it great fun to terrify young children) told me when I was little.

The sight of her sharp canines reminded me of the stories my uncle told me when I was little.


“I gave him my body… he gave me my… ,my magic but he needs blood and I promised him.”

No comma.


Her fangs grew larger, sharper and she moved forward.

sharper,


I remained frozen and scared.

New paragraph.


It was fitting as that’s what was happening.

fitting,


The trouble with this kind of story is that how can a dead person tell a story?


I hope this does not discourage you from writing or entering again. The world needs more stories.



Good writing to you,

Alice
74
74
Review of A Child of Earth  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Your prize is five thousand gift points.
Your tale will also be consider for the best of the month, February.




Sorry about not getting this to you sooner, but I share my laptop with my family.



Alice
75
75
Review of Dirty Business  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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The title is not bad.

The formatting looks fine.

The opening paragraph is not bad.



Landers talked a lot - natural for a CEO of his calibre.

If you are in the USA: caliber.


His revitalised hair began to fall out.

If you are in the USA: revitalized


Gibson's jaw froze in indecision.

Great line.


Gibson was backing off.

Gibson backed off.


Then the bottle fell and smashed.

I would remove "Then". You do not need it and the last paragraph started the same way. Repeating things, will slow down your prose.


The eyes on the face looked from one man, then to the other.

The eyes on the face looked from one man, to the other.




Then the face rasped "BOTTLE BREAKERS!", and both men fainted.

You do not need the comma.

Again, I would cut "Then".



Not a bad idea. The trouble is the death with dirt in the mouth was nice but it seemed last minute and should have played a greater role in the flash.


I hope to see you again. Writing is the only way to get better and the world needs new tales.


Alice
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