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You'll get a mixture of proofreading and editing advice. I generally do a line by line.
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Do not care for works that straight dramas.
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Micro fiction, flash fiction, short stories, and chapters.
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I know little of poetry and I do not care for straight dramas.
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26
26
Review of House of Wax  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Over all I enjoyed the story.



In the opening paragraph, it says news spread. Which I assume is about '“The tariff's just about crippled New England. And the embargo back in ’14—”'

Ummm, what does this have to do the story? The story is about a Girswold, finding an unpublished poem of Poe's. He reads it and this cause all hell to break out. I don't feel this add to the story.




Delivery men told housemaids at the back doors, and businessmen discussed it over their morning tea.

Deliverymen


Children sang “Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “Maryland, My Maryland” while playing stickball in the cobblestone streets, and dock workers grumbled about the implications for their jobs.

dockworkers




Poe had been so popular when he’d died of consumption that the news was greeted with huzzahs, particularly in light of the unfortunate political situation.

I thought they didn't know what he died of?


Griswold, the most hard-headed and practical of men, shuddered.

Hardheaded


I shall burn it again. There is something ominous about this piece which has convinced me it should not be published.

piece,


He wished that it was all over.

I think: were


“Thank you, my esteemed collegues.

colleges

Soldiers galloped on horseback through the streets, firing shots which popped faintly at the people running recklessly to and fro, without any apparent purpose, blinded by panic.

shots, which


A cavalry officer leapt over her and sped away toward the harbor.
cavalry officer

He must've put the poem here, Griswold thought. And then...something...took it out again. Made sure I'd find it.

The formatting is off.



I have an issue with the ending. Why not say it is Paul? He is a publish figure. He can be written about. I think because it not that familiar of a song, the ending would lost on many readers.

The poem doesn't feel like something Poe would have written. (And of course, he didn't.) Where you could surmise that Poe didn't write the poem, I don't see how poets at that age would have found it brilliant.

The ending of the world doesn't feel like Poe. It does feel like Lovecraft, although that is very light. Although I liked the first ending, that before the modern time ending, I feel it would be made stronger with making more of Poe feeling. That said I am not a Poe scholar, but, I have read all of his works at one time or another. But my memory is far from perfect.


I did like that you used Griswold and Poe's relationship.

Now you did a great of taking this song and giving whole other life.


No, this is not steampunk. This is a gaslight fantasy. That said, if you enjoyed writing this, I am sure you would enjoy writing steampunk and you should give it a try.

I do hope you found the review a little helpful. And even if you never change a single letter of it, it is still a good story. But you know that.


Alice
27
27
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Joe,

Thanks for entering

This is will not be your only review, I just wanted to get a head start on reading. Do not feel you are required to make any to make any changes. Please feel free to ask any questions.

I take my writing very seriously. I have been published and I have worked as an editor on a speculative magazine. This doesn't make me a goddess.

I do not give false praise, and I try and give advice that has helped me.


I am pretty sure this story is your baby. It shows lot of love and thought. That's great.



Your title fits, but, I feel it should stand on its own more, because all I hear is Pink Floyd.



The weightless form of Captain Thorpe floated gracefully in the void of space as the last ray of sunlight disappeared behind the Moon‘s horizon.

Stephen King: "The road to hell is paved with adverbs."

Most everything in space floats gracefully. I don't think it is worthy of note.


A corona of light, hypnotic in its beauty, shone with a concluding display of spectacular radiance before finally disappearing and leaving him in the shadows of the dark side of the moon.

I love descriptive writing. For me this seems a bit over the top.

http://walkthewalkblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/creati...

http://www.suite101.com/content/how-descriptive-wo...

Learning what to add and what to hold back is not easy.

Also, what I like to do, is either go to my bookshelf or Amazon and look at several classic SF. Look a few authors and see how many adjectives they use. Now you can say, }"But that is style, my voice," and you be right, but I bet if we were speaking, it would not quite be this flowery.

Consider:
A corona of light shone with a concluding display of radiance before finally disappearing. and leaving him in the shadows of the dark side of the moon.


He shivered at the sudden drop in temperature but like always, watching the sun set in outer space was worth it.

I do not think there would a temperature change if this takes place on a ship in space.



Especially as the sun would not emerge again for another fourteen days.

I think this would be cleaner if you were to remove: Especially as



“Alright Bill, I’m coming in now.” Thorpe said, speaking into his radio as he had done a thousand times before.

"All right

http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/all-right-ver...

now," Thorpe said,

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/577/01/...



As he passed the familiar surroundings of the station exterior he considered the importance of his mission.

exterior, he



A five year excursion on the Lunar Eye, NASA’s latest top of the range orbital space station situated above the surface of the moon and designed to explore the possibilities of long range communication with distant worlds.

op of the range

I do not think you need this.

moon,


{b]It was a ground breaking mission, one that said NASA was serious about finding intelligent life in the Universe and one that Tom Thorpe and Bill Edwards were passionate about.

Universe,


Both men had been hand picked for the position not just because they were the best scientists NASA had, but because they had known each other since childhood.

but also



Now, the mission was entering its final six months and in the time they had spent on board the Steigersson Light-Wave Communication Amplifier, or ‘Radio-Alien’ as it had been dubbed by Bill, had picked up only one transmission.

as Bill had dubbed it,


At the time it had been a great disappointment to both of them but they had learned through bitter experience that gigantic leaps take many small steps.

Great line.


I started this too, and my eyes are wimpping out on me. If you like, I shall give you further notes.


Alice




I don't think you need this: top of the range


28
28
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a different way of expressing the narrative and I really think it made it stand out.

I feel this could be enhanced if you were to color every other line. Not only would it give this more pop, but it would make it easy for the reader to keep track of who was speaking./thinking.

God it's cold here

Where are we?

Dunno

Open your eyes

Open YOURS!

Don't want to

Why, you scared?

No!

What if he comes back?

Who?

The man with the blood on his hands


****


Ok...I'll open me eyes

OK

Okay



Lying down, i think

I


Why you cold if you're in bed?

I think this line is off.



Ok...excuse me

Okay


I could throw me pillow i s'pose
I


Throw the pillow, she won't ignore that

pillow;



Take a big breath an push yourself up

and

just nothing, we'll ALWAYS be together

Opps, missed your capital here.



There are a few places where you have a lower case i instead of an upper case I.



That is quite detatched from it's body

detached

its



I do not think "doctor" should be capitalized.



..The body still responds

I feel you should remove .. or make them ...




The subjects eyes will open

subject's



Oh god

God



The more we learn about the Human body

human

If you make the minor corrections and if you would like for this to be published, please let me know.

Alice
29
29
Review of Wavering Heights  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mikey,

This review is brought to you by The Supernatural Review Raid!

Please ask if you have any questions about my review.

I found no errors in the way of spelling, grammar and or formatting.

Kind of clever.



Writing is very had Micro fiction is even harder..


Best of writing to you,

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Alice
30
30
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Mickey,

This review is brought to you by The Supernatural Review Raid!

Please ask if you have any questions about my review.

I found no errors in the way of spelling, formatting or grammar.

Love the first line. I am sure you meant to heighten the impact of the last line.

I know the other person loved this, but it wasn't quite a home run for me.



Writing is very had Micro fiction is even harder..


Best of writing to you,

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Alice
31
31
Review of Jurassic Kid  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Mikey,

This review is brought to you by The Supernatural Review Raid!

Please ask if you have any questions about my review.


"Triceratops, velociraptor...,"

No comma needed.

I must be thick, but I don't get this: It's a bit eerie, though, how his one-year-old brother watches Timmy's every move.



Writing is very had Micro fiction is even harder.


Best of writing to you,

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Alice
32
32
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello Whittaker,

This reviews comes to you because of The Supernatural Review Raid!


Please ask if you have any questions.


My goal is make this a stronger story. i LOVE reviews that show me what I may improve.

I hope you can tell that I read every word, and really thought about your story.





The window belonged to a shop.

I do not feel you need this.


Above the window, a sign hung, clinging to rusty hinges in stagnate air.

window a

As one might have guessed, the man in the window was Horatio.

Why would anyone guess this?


He came from a long line of Withington’s, all Tupperware salesmen and he had never even thought of any other line of work.

Withingtons,


People say that the Withington’s were selling their Tupperware back in the age of dinosaurs.

Withingtons

Previous Withington’s had relied on customer’s buying their Tupperware over the phone, but that didn’t work anymore

Withingtons



Back in the golden age of Tupperware salesmanship, having your very own set of FridgeSmart, PrimaKlima or if you were really posh, the UltraPro line, was a symbol of wealth and intelligence.

posh;


“I have a very particular… occasion”

occasion."


Horatio was snapped of his reverie and spun around to face the source of the voice.

out of his reverie, and


A smartly dressed man holding a briefcase was standing in his shop.

briefcase stood


Horatio’s self defence mechanism kicked in.

self defense


“No. I do not think that will be necessary.” Horatio opened his mouth to try a different angle, but the man held up his hand, silencing him.

“No. I do not think that will be necessary.”

Horatio opened his mouth to try a different angle, but the man held up his hand, silencing him.


“Uh, yes sir. That is correct. Parties, picnics, ba-” The man cut him off.
“Do you stock a container specifically design to contain a human head?”


“Uh, yes sir. That is correct. Parties, picnics, ba-”

The man cut him off. “Do you stock a container specifically design to contain a human head?”


“…Are you sure the Heat 'N Eat wasn’t what you were looking for?”
Horatio regretted saying that instantly.
What a silly thing to say! A classy man like this would never use a microwave.

“…Are you sure the Heat 'N Eat wasn’t what you were looking for?” Horatio regretted saying that instantly. What a silly thing to say! A classy man like this would never use a microwave.


“It will be the head of the man you will kill tonight”

tonight."

Odd he did not have a reaction to this.



Oh, well that’s fine then.
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t sell any lines of Tupperware products that cater to that that specific purpose. I’ll be sure to notify someone right away.”

"Oh, well that’s fine then. I’m sorry sir, but we don’t sell any lines of Tupperware products that cater to that that specific purpose. I’ll be sure to notify someone right away.”



He then spoke “Mr. Withington, I come to you today with an ultimatum.

spoke,


You have no friends, no family and you spend every day trying to sell plastic bowls to people with no money, telling yourself that things will get better.

friends;

I found the ending weak. It needs more.

I found the idea of the failed Tupperware salesman confronting a man who wants a container to store a head interesting, but I feel you just didn't go far enough. Make bigger.

I think where you lose the funny is where the man offers the cash. Perhaps if he already had a head and talked and the head had a new business plan?

I am sorry for the low rating. But if you make any changes, and let me know, I'll be happy to back and change my rating.


Best of writing to you,

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Alice
33
33
Review of Rebel  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Greeniaus,

You are receiving this because of The Supernatural Review Raid!


Boy, flashes are really hard.

I like the idea behind this, where a man encounters a wizards and denies it.

There are grammatical or spelling errors.

But the truth is this doesn't quite work. The main reason is it doesn't have an ending. No worries. Rewriting is 90% of writing.

I feel strongly that most of this should be cut for two reasons: you need the words for an ending and the repeat themselves.

I hate reviews where they say only happy things and or nothing where is nothing you can use to make anything better.



Here is what I would do:

It would have been better if it had come in waves.

Sounds, sights, smells; all of them illusions and all of them terrifying.




Start with this line, "Note to self: never anger a wizard again." It's attention getter.

Kyle knew there was no such thing as a wizard. He just didn't want to think that these kinds of things could happen naturally. He was preserving his own sanity.

Consider cutting it to this: Kyle knew there was no such thing.


Unfortunately, the only way to preserve his sanity he could think of was to talk to himself. He was never sure if it helped or not.

Cut to this: The only way to preserve his sanity was to talk to himself. He was never sure if it helped or not.

Only keep the last line here if you are going to use in what the wizard does to him.

Remove the rest of the story.

If you do all this, you should be left with:

"Note to self: never anger a wizard again."

Kyle knew there was no such thing.

The only way to preserve his sanity was to talk to himself. He was never sure if it helped or not.

Which is 36 words.

Now you have 104 to give a WIZZBANG of an ending.

Okay, I hope this helps. If yo have any questions, please let me know.

I am sorry for the low rating. HOWEVER if you do rewrite this, and tell me, I will be happy to give this another rating.


Good writing to you!

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Alice
34
34
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Leger,

Thanks for the GPs.

This review is brought to you by: The Supernatural Review Raid!


What a wonderful title.

Jonathan's wife fell to her knees, screaming. "Noooooooooo!" She continued screaming and weeping into the hem of her dress.

I think...

screaming, "Noooooo!"


It was time.

I feel this should be elaborated on.


The carnage lay in the square for days, vultures picking at the entrails, until someone finally carted it off for burial.

I think...

days; vultures



Got to ask, but why do you think dragon hunting something folks tend to do all alone? At least in this story, you address that issue. One dragon, one tailor, one coat.



I feel the epiphany at the end is good, but it feels too rushed. I feel this might be over come if you were to show him coming to this realization during the battle.

I would leave the last line as: During the festive village celebration, Jonathan never smiled.

You could also expand the ending a little. Show the celebration to help show the difference in Jonathan. If you went this route, I feel this would be enhanced if you showed how confident he was before.

Hope you found this helpful and you know I read every line and thought about the story.

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Alice
35
35
Review of Breaking Point  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Spidey,

It's been awhile since a read anything of yours.

This review is brought to you by: The Supernatural Review Raid!

Please ask me if to clarify if anything I say is cloudy.



I really like the opening, but... I just don't see how it relates to the story. This doesn't have so much to do with the change in POV, but I thought this character will read to their mom. Nope. I thought this character will interact with their mom. Nope.


“Now, Miss Beth, stop bangin’ your head like that, honey.”

The last comma seems out of place.


“Now, Miss Beth, stop bangin’ your head like that, honey.”

I think you need a semicolon in place of the comma.



From time to time, words from the outside world tumbled into her chaotic mind. Tonight, “you lost him,” fell into her consciousness, slipping through the air like Autumn’s first falling leaf. It wavered and flipped through the jumbled mess of her thoughts, but it started to stick. Something about it felt familiar.

I thought this was wonderful.

I don't think "autumn" should be capitalized.


Beth came to love him, to care for him. An unbreakable bond formed between mother and child.

Still, she tried to save him. Her throat croaked as she attempted an apology to the cruel and mocking laughter, “…tried.”

I do not see "Still" fits. You say they have a great but imply with use of "still" they do not.


There are moments of some nice writing throughout the piece.

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Alice
36
36
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Joy,

Although I have read things by you, I am unsure I have ever reviewed. Not this requires a review as such. More or less a note to say I read this, and here is what I think, kind of thing.


This review is brought to by {:blue}The Supernatural Review Raid!


Most of us are excited while writing that first draft, but when it comes to revision, we may lose the enthusiasm. Yet, an experienced story teller finds great satisfaction in rewriting and reconstructing his story, because he knows his finished product can even excel his expectations.

Small thing, you say that writers are men.


The first rewrite should include further story refinement and structural changes than what was included in the first draft. After that, at least two revisions may be needed before the final polishing.

Pardon me, but I am a little fuzzy on what you mean by "structural changes." This becomes clear as I read on, but, it may be worth a small hint as to its meaning here.


The biggest mistake a writer usually makes is in not being able to find out the best place or time for the story to begin.

For me this is true in two ways. One: one of the hardest about writing for me is finding a place to start a story. And Two: after reviewing, it does like a lot of stories could benefit from a different start.


This moment is called the inciting incident.

Oh my gosh, I never thought of it in this term, but, YAH, you are so right! Light bulb moment.


State of mind of the character or his inner world is the second beware sign for any writer. The writer has to know the inner world of the character to its finest detail to create insight into the story. When insight happens, the reader gets involved in the story. Even if the story takes place in an exciting and constantly changing outer world, the character's reaction to it will be through his unremitting inner conflict. This continuous inner conflict will be the most important thing for the writer to master.

Very true.

Missing story points is another problem. Major story points reveal the emotional story that makes the reader identify with the character. Story points are established through the central conflict, secondary characters, and subplots. When some of those are missing, the story has to be missing something also.

I beg for you to go into this with great detail.


3. Improve upon key story points that reveal what the story's theme is about.

I wish you go into what a theme is.

You make some wonderful points and I very glad I read this.

I do wish that you would go into some of the terminology. Many of us won't have a concert understanding of these things. If not here, than perhaps in another How To and if you have already, add a link.

Thanks so much I think I will be a better for this.

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Alice
37
37
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Debbie,

You are receiving this review because of The Supernatural Review Raid!

This pome is simple but true to both Star Trek and limericks.

I hate things like this and enjoy them as well. I hate them because there is no hope of ever being published, (Yes, everything I write, other than blogs or reviews, I do so with an eye towards publication,) after all, it is fanfick. And love it for the sure joy.

I can find no way to improve this.

My husband is a Treker. I watch TOS and I am find doing so, but it is not the kind of thing I would watch on my own.

I watch: Firefly, Doctor Who, X Files, Quantum Leap, Warhorse 13, and Stargate.

Hope to talk to you soon Debbie.

Live long and write.

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Alice
38
38
Review of What Peter Saw  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey darling,

Saw that your work had not been read; what a shame.

I love horror. I love WDC.

Let me know if you have any questions about my review.

Oh, by the way, I think why the contest in which you entered this did not read it, was because you did not post the word count on it.

I think you should reformat it.

I think you only need the title at the top and nothing more.



"Old-Man Timber? Well kiddo,

This is the start of a new paragraph.



He can't talk! Weird, huh?".

No period.


Peter mulled this over in his head.

This the start of another paragraph.



"I gotta go to work now sport, but you remember the rules, right?" asked Tom,

Tom.

New paragraph.



"Stay in the yard, don't watch too much TV, don't play too many video games..." Peter replied sulkily. {/b]

Another paragraph.


Tom laughed and said "It's not that bad.

said,


Grammar is easy to fix, and there is more I could give you, if you want.

However I do feel you are a storyteller and it is a shame that I am the only who has read this.
39
39
Review of UrbEx  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Join some groups. Put this up for review. I think there might be other contest you can put this.

The site is pretty big and takes effort to get readers. But you should be read. If you want any help with ANYTHING please let me know.

The biggest issue with this that it should place a a line of space between the paragraphs.

I'd go into stuff more but I am not sure if you want that.

I hope you keep at it. The world needs more tales and you have tales to tell.

Alice
40
40
Review of Pleading carrot  
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

I saw you had requested a review from the Supernatural group.

Even though this has won a ribbon, I think it could be a little bette and hope you find this review helpful.

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I have a really hard time believing that it would take you four hours dig up some carrots. Perhaps this would more believable is you were to say that they were gigantic. I think before you make such a claim you should set it up.

Your narrator is doing all this work because he likes digging. I think his motivation is weak.

The roots looked like dreaded hair, in tight bunched up clumps.

To me, hair isn't dreaded.


I dig digging, so digging I did. For a solid four hours. I started to dig at 11:30 am and by 3:00 I had roughly 12 dead carrot stubs uprooted and untangled. The roots looked like dreaded hair, in tight bunched up clumps. These were not your ordinary run of the mill roots. These roots were stronger than a horse and seemed to stretch out forever. I'm talking about in all directions, crisscrossing from the shed to the house and then back to the shed.

I feel it would read stronger as:

The roots of these enormous carrots looked like dreaded hair, in tight bunched up clumps. These were not your ordinary run of the mill roots. These roots were stronger than a horse and seemed to stretch I'd remove
out". You don't need it. out forever. I'm talking about in all directions, this is one word. crisscrossing from the shed to the house and then back to the shed.


{b]By one I was covered in sweat, by two I was covered in mud and by three only one carrot remained

Are you marking the time or the amount of carrots?

Also, I think sweat:




Challenging me to tangle with it's tangled web of roots.

"it's" is an abbreviation for: it is, it has, and it was.




I looked at the pile of dead carrots then back to the one that remained.

Ummm.... Why are the carrots dead? Just because they have been pulled out of the ground, doesn't make them dead.



And decided that I would need a break before I would attempt to uproot this thistle.

Carrots aren't thistles.


I walked out of my house with my held high but it shrunk with each step towards the shed.

What shrunk?


However I swear that these carrots did and they were flashing a manacle grin.

"Manacle" are handcuffs.

I think you meant: maniacal.


I dropped to my knees in desperation in front of the carrots, letting out a few choice words as I did.

I am sure they did drop to their knees, BUT, what I have trouble with is "desperation".


I am convinced that they did, I am sure that they fully understood what was going on.

Comma splice.

did: I


"Oh," I shouted, “so you understand me, you think that you know what is going on?

You are restating that they understood. I don't think you need to do this more than once.



I walked back into my house through the rear, then back out with my dog through the front. Jack relieved himself very nicely on the lawn of Scott Drudge, which was fine by me because I hated that prick. My midday snack consisted of a corona and tuna fish out of the can with no bread. I was beginning to feel refreshed and invincible. After another couple of coronas I was ready to go tackle the last carrot. Or so I thought. I grabbed my shovel, two more coronas and was on my way.

Some of this you do not need, since it doesn't go into play. I would remove: through the rear, then back out with my dog through the front. Jack relieved himself very nicely on the lawn of Scott Drudge, which was fine by me because I hated that prick.



Then suddenly I heard a faint laughter, there was no denying it.

a faint laugh



Over all this is fun. There are more things I could give you notes for, but I am unsure if you would like to have more. If so, let me know.


Keep writing!

Alice
41
41
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Dear Light,

This was listed in our group "Let's Publish!"

I think the title is too simplistic.




The opening is not needed if the timeline for the story is not important.

The opening paragraph is not something that garbed my attention.



There is an operator sitting and looking at the screen.

An operator sits looking at the screen.


On the screen is Sherrill, in her bed, sleeping.

On the screen Sherrill is in her bed sleeping.



The operator is responding to the voices.

The operator responds to the voices.


There are gold and silver threads, like wires, connecting everything.

Gold and silver thread like wires cover everything.


The operator then engages in another conversation. “My Sponsor, do you hear me?”

operator engages

conversation:



“I always hear you,” says a voice coming from directly behind the operator.

"I always hear you," a voice comes directly behind the operator.



The sponsor, and other operators and sponsors come into view.

The sponsor, other operators and sponsors come into view.



There are more gold and silver threads linking them together, like a network.

More gold and sliver threads link them together, like a network.


The scene briefly widens even more. Countless operators and sponsors come into view, as well as a large central unit. The gold and silver threads are connecting the operators and sponsors to the central unit. The scene then zooms back in to Sherrill’s scene only, and slowly changes back to her bedroom.

This reads like directions.

After this, you shift from present tense to past.


Sherrill was beginning to feel a little uneasy.

Sherrill began to


“Okay, I got that. Noticing these things is the first step to understanding what they mean,”

mean."


For me the opening drags.

The dream was interesting.

The long dialog exchange is all telling. You need to have the two do something other talk.

At the end you should SHOW her change.

The idea is interesting. But for me, it is all telling with no sensory details, no setting, I couldn't see the characters.

Sorry... but to me this needs more.

Alice
42
42
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Ben,

Another review from "Let's Publish!"






I started to read this last night, but when my hands hurt, it is time to walk away.

He shuddered thinking of how the brats ran around screaming, their parents ran around hitting them for screaming, and the staff tried to mop up spills without tripping anyone.

As a mom who has braved Chucky's more than once, I can tell the parents are generally sitting on their ass' and don't care what their kids are doing. They are often as loud. Thank God they don't sell beer.



I really like how you show us what he is in the opening paragraph.



Leon moved his cart down the aisle stocking light bulbs.

the aisle of the hardware store, stocking


Leon thought it was stupid, but he didn't mind the chance to linger near the windows and watch the babes saunter in and out of the Ambiance across the street. Yowza!

I think "saunter"and "Yowza!" is out of place. It feels too old for Leon and the narration is a reflection of Leon.



Aside from the girl-watching, the hardware store job bored him, but that day was different.

This makes it seem like he now found his job interesting. I am sure that is not the case. For me, if I really wanted to do something after work, it did not make the day go any quicker.



No matter, at least not many people brought their brats into the hardware store.

"No matter" might not be the youthful tone you need here.


He would be happy if he never saw another kid in his life--except maybe once a month, under a full moon.

I think you should cut "once a month,". Full moons are once a month.


Damn, he couldn't think like that. One hard part about being a teenager was you were always hungry.

Perhaps add: Leon's stomach growled, fresh meat.


"Are you crazy?" Mr. Jamison stared at him. "You can't go out there. Every day, people come in here talking about animals that have been torn to pieces, and you want to go camping. What is it with you teenagers? You never listen to anybody. No, you run over to Judson now, and then head straight home before nightfall. Whatever is out there is nothing to fool around with." Mr. Jamison walked off, shaking his head.

Good addition.


Leon licked his lips at the memory.

I like the title, but I think you need to have apply to the story. Perhaps before this line, you could talk about him removing a limb.



He slammed on the brakes, yanked the key out of the ignition and hurled it out the window into the underbrush.

"it" makes it seem like it is the keys that hurled out the window. If so, why? I'd want to know where my keys were.



Good eating, but no competition for me.

Cut: "for him."


Suddenly, a scent in the air made Leon stop and glare around.

Each time I read this line "and glare around" bothers me. I know you should express this, but some how it doesn't work for me.


This was nothing he had ever smelled, and Leon had killed and eaten almost anything that moved in those mountains.

I think: these mountains.



For the first time, Leon felt fear. It licked at his heart like a flame, and spurred him back up the hill toward the lodge.

Great!


{b] The fear he had felt was replaced by a seeting anger.

"seeting" spelling?



The best thing was, the serpent's couldn't shoot fire from their glued-together mouths.

serpent

There is really only one.


Leon slumped against the seat, his fierce energy dissapated.

"dissapated" Spelling?

dissipated



Leon looked around at the dozens of venemous green eyes, staring at him.

venomous


It couldn't bite him, but he would be pummled to death just as surely.

pummeled ?




On the other hand, he though, maybe he'll get a pickup now.

Good.


I was just thinking. He grows so much a werewolf. What happens to his clothes?



Alice
43
43
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Dear Ben,

You are receiving this review because it was listed in "Let's Publish!"




Interesting title.

I love horror comedy.


The hardware store had a dusty smell which made Leon sneeze, but it sure beat working at Chuck E. Cheese.

smell, which

Leon sneezed, the dust of hardware store was getting to him again, but it sure beat working at Chuck E. Cheese.

I think this is more straight forward. I think?


Other than that the opening paragraph is good.



Leon moved his cart down the aisle, stocking light bulbs.

When I read this out loud, you did not need the comma.



Mr. Jamison said that an empty shelf was an unprofitable shelf, and insisted that Leon walk every aisle, every day, filling in gaps.

Big deal. That is his job. Now if he had to do it hourly... that would be tedious and show Mr. Jamison as neurotic and unreasonable. The line reads fine if that is not what you are going for, but I think it would flesh out the characters more.


Finishing up, Leon checked his watch. The hardware store was boring, and he often checked his watch, but that day was different.

I think this is a little same old same old.


or Mr. Jamison might find that an empty coffin was an unprofitable coffin.

Good.


The call came from near the front of the store, and Leon groaned.

I do not think you need the conjunction and I think it would help with pace of the story if you were to remove it.

The call came from near the front of the store. Leon groaned.


Leon guessed that if Mr. Jamison were taller and less bald, that would help more.

I do not think "guessed" works here. Perhaps "surmised"?

How and what would it help?

I do like that I get a better picture of Mr. Jamison.



"I need you to take these supplies over to Judson Art Center. It's an important order, Leon, don't screw up."

It wasn't clear who was speaking before. I think you should say that it is Mr. Jamison speaking before this.



One hard part about being a teenager was you were always hungry.

I think you should establish his age before this.


By the time he was done loading up, got in the car, got back out of the car, ran inside, and punched out, it was late.

I do not think we need a list.


Everything he saw was tinged red, and he slammed on the brakes, yanked the key out of the ignition and hurled it into the underbrush.

He does not slam on the breaks because because he is seeing red, therefore they are not really a connected action.

Everything he saw was tinged red. He slammed on the brakes, yanked the key out of the ignition and hurled it into the underbrush.



{b]Not a ripple crossed the lake, protected from wind and breeze by the mountain and tall trees which surrounded it.{/b]

Wind and breeze are the same. You do not need both.


Leon wanted to howl, but the smell was an ancient, fierce odor which awakened some genetic memory.

odor, which


His hackles rose as he loped down the hill.

I do not think you need the pronoun here.

Hackles rose as he loped down the hill.



Leon stepped back into the shadows, and stared in shock at the creature which emerged from the roiling surface.

creature, which


Each head moved separately, but Leon sensed a coordination, a purpose.{/b]

sensed coordination, a


The name Hydra came to him, but he could recall nothing of the monster except that it had something to do with Hercules.

Good.


It's size didn't worry him, but how could he deal with all those venomous heads at one time?

Its size



Exulting in having almost halved the threat by taking the monster by surprise, Leon dashed into the shadows and turned back to plan his next move.

"Exulting" seems off to me.


Leon could barely believe its recovery time, but as it reared into the air against the bright moonlight, he was astonished to see that there were not four heads remaining, but instead ten.

Leon belief is not directed because of what follows, therefore it should not be connected.

time. It

You do not need "instead".

but ten.





I think it is odd that the art supplies, such as construction paper were bought a hardware store. He has to have the tape. You gave a decent reason, but it could be, and should be stronger. Poster boards might be better than construction paper.



But when Leon opened his eyes, he looked around in amazement, then began to laugh.

I think this would be stronger without "but".


He howled with laughter, and the mountain rang with answering howls.

Good.


Although I like that glue worked. It is a little predictable. They must be away around this.





Moreover, the crazy glue which they had bitten and smashed had stuck their jaws together, so any attempt at breathing fire simply turned their heads red and made smoke leak out of their eyes.

I think you should show this more.


Fortunately, the glue which had stuck to his fur melted away along with his fierce claws, and Leon gingerly climbed past the impotent heads and out the window.

glue, which

COPOUT! I think it would be funnier if the he was glued. Twigs and leaves stuck to his naked butt.




The hydra looked forlorn and ridiculous with its many heads, there must have been two dozen by this point, all stuck to or stuck inside the car.

The hydra looked forlorn and ridiculous with its many heads, all stuck to or stuck inside the car.

Also, I think you should show this more.


Good last line.

I think you are on your way with this. You might want to think about added a box of feathers or sequins for the critter to bit into. Maybe that is going too far.

This almost has a shaggy dog story feel to it.


Alice
44
44
Review of Autumn Hanging On  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello rl,

I saw a review on this and I though I would take a look.

I think this poem has wonderful imagery and allows the reader to not only see the poem, but feel as well.

I like that seasons are more like characters and there is a story here.

The only thing I did not care for was the title.


Alice
45
45
Review of Break Away  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Congratulations!

Your tale has been awarded first place.



You may have a merit badge for:

Fantasy

or

Writing

or

a ribbon (your choice of color)

or

10,000 gift points.



I await your selection.


Alice
46
46
Review of Cheechako  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
When I was younger, we lived in Sacramento and I use to go to Sutter's Fort a couple times a year. Loved stepping into that part of history.

I still think about all those people who came to California. Amazing.

I also have thing about Alaska. I watch a lot of stuff on it.

I think I am a couch historian or something like that.

Good opening. Not the historical, although I see why you placed it there, but the opening line to the fiction.


Pull that damned bitch called Gold from the ground, fill my pockets with her and return a rich man.

gold

or

bitch Gold


I was like a drunk following her siren's song.

Good line.


Did I miss this? How did he take a years supply with him? What a huge hall. Oh I just read how. Okay. He hired men.


She guarded my goods, and the goods of many other would be gold miners with an eagle eye and a shotgun in her hand and a pistol on her hip.

others


I saw one yegg draw down on one them one day.

"Yegg" nice touch.


I wonder if the real man was half as well-spoken as your narrator?


Your attention to detail makes this realistic.


I still have a ways to on the story. More soon.


Alice
47
47
Review of Break Away  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The title is okay.

The opening paragraph is interesting.

Yah! A fantasy that is not cute!



I would think that keeping peace for your country would be a great thing. However, it might not if there were no threats.


His broad and tall frame was dwarfed by the towering oaken doors behind him.

The towering oaken doors behind him dwarfed his broad and tall frame.


"Are you ok, sir?" he asked with great concern.

OK,

He thrust open the large doors and walked inside, beckoning the crowd to follow him.

thrusts open

thrust opens


Everyone jumped back at the sound.The noise echoed through the room and the people remained silent until the last remnant faded.

sound. The

Good ending.

A solid tale.


Alice
48
48
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello D. K. Moon,

It sounds like an Idyllic childhood. Almost too good to be true. Very Norman Rockwell. You're just missing the fishen hole.

I think this could really stand some real expansion. I hope you think about it.

The poem at the end of this is very nice.


Alice
49
49
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Ben,

I am reviewing this because you placed this in our group, "Let's Publish".

I like the title.

You amaze me at how quick you are and how clean everything is. I wish I could have a lot more of these qualities.

The plot works very well.

I think you should send this in. This has a nice charm to it. One that I am sure many will find appealing.

I would love for you to do a second version of this, but keep this, because others will love this. But heighten the strange quality of this, I would like to see you focus on these two lines: "For forty years the lizards lay dead, but not decomposing, and the faithful lay asleep, but not dreaming. Tommy Gwen'cher walked among them every day and wondered at the miracle."

I feel if you were to do so, the tale would have even greater qualities of the bizzaro.


All the best of writing to you,

Alice
50
50
Review by AliceNgoreland
In affiliation with Let's Publish!  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Dear Ben,

Here is a review from one the members of "Let's Publish".




I love fairy tales. I've papers on them for college and I still read them.

I really like the title.

Frankly I would liked an adult tone from the start but you are going another way, and that is okay too.


Good opening paragraph it sets the tone of the story well.


Please, mother, won't you help me?"

Mother


I was enjoy the read, but all along I was wondering what would make this really stand out. The I got to the last 600 words.

I think you should say what happened to Ariel. I am sure it was more than a dream.

I like the use of the pearls.


I think this is well-written and the charm of a fairy tale should. I am sure this has a real shot in getting in. If not, than someone else will.


Alice
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