WOW! I don't usually give 5 stars but this poem just
takes my breath away. It is beautiful, sad, heartbreaking, evocative of a love gone south, and I
love it! I assume the Kansas green tornado sky is
Oz, and that you and whomever had a thing going about
Oz, Your imagery is good: I can feel the room, see
the coat and cloak, hear the creak of the door as it
opens, and when it is "locked and barred anew at your departure." This one's a MUST READ!
Really enjoyable poem, and I am glad you have published the comments. Yeah, it must be someting in the collective unconscious. I went through a no fear
period in my late teens-early twenties, and so it didn't bother me; now in my 40's, I sleep with night light and -- get ready, socks! And I live in Florida so I can't blame the weather for the need of socks. I think I have gotten fearful of creepy=ctawly things from lizards to crocodiles and snakes.
Very nice. I like this poem a great deal, and found the last line quite a surprise.
Your images are wonderful, from the 9 p.m. bullet to the children crying in another land, to the homeless man on the street.
I've only one suggestion: Your line "When their parents cry with grief" - I know the parents refer to the parents of the hungry children, but technically the referential noun is the rich. I took a double take when I read this; of course this could just be me.
instead of "their parents" how about "the hungry"?
Just a suggestion.
You've done a fine job here, writing from the Statue of Liberty's pointof view. Good Write indeed!
WOW! This is almost a perfectly written piece, and is indeed a "Tale from the Darkside". You take us into the mind of Stanley Cortland very well, and we are in the world of the crystal ball with him. I found I began to suspend disbelief about the time he began to walk on his own two feet (I think I really believe in miracles, if the truth be known). In the paragraph where the appreciates the sounds of the birds singing, you have a sentence "Since the accident, I haven't even wanted...." I think you mean he hadn't even.... That is the only time you use the first person. No big deal. I think I only caught it because the piece is so impeccably written.
Stanley was amazingly courageous when he stood up to Flagg. I was surprised. He certainly trusted his instincts, and he was correct, I guess. It's hard to tell what would have happened had Stanley decided the other way. It would have been a different story.
Stephen King, especially The Stand, has had an
enormous influence on a lot of people. I think I shall start reading some of his work. I have The Stand here, but think I'll get some of his short stories out of the library. I love the phrase "There are other worlds than these." Is that yours, or Mr. King's? Either way, it's great.
I felt my heart move with sadness when the crystal ball rolled off the desk and fell to pieces on the floor. That's the mark of a good writer, to bring forth those kind of emotions in the writer. This is an excellent write, Starr. I see you wrote this in May of 200l, before 9/11, before many things. Which doesn't detract at all from its inherent depth. Are you still doing this kind of writing? Is this your favorite genre to write in? You do not have to answer
if you don't want to.
One last irrelevant question: I recall that you live in Tampa, is that correct? Did you get lots of rain over the weekend? Starting early this year, isn't it?
Thanks for writing this story. Crystal Ball is a
MUST READ!
This is one excellent poem that describes the "crisis of faith" which most of go through one time or many times
during our lives. Your free verse form is strong, has
a strong and constant meter to it, and your imagery of wanting to fly, wanting to see His plan for you, all stand out as both familiar and excellent.
I hope to see more of your work on Writing.com. You surely did a good job here!
All best,
VerySara
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This is a very sad, interesting poem. Sad, obviously, in its contents. Interesting, to me, in the way that
you took an article in the paper, and made it into a
free verse poem, that reads smoothly down the page, but tells a story, matter of factly, and the verses seem to contain no set amoung of lines, nor any rhyme (neither of which is needed). If I understand it correctly, the title is satiric, since "money isn't everything" is a common expression used to comfort those who are irritated to say the least about their poverty.
I think this would have "worked" better for me had the
note at the end not been added, about it being taken
from a story in the newspaper, yet I am sure you had your reasons for doing this. It is a poem that tugs at the heart, and would be a good Christmastime poem,
I think.
The poem leaves me wanting something a little more, but that something may simply be the wealth to make situations like this one an impossibility in our dysfunctional society.
This is a lovely poem, very-well written, metered and
rhymed. It can be read as religious in nature, or as
secular. I guess since the s on "someone" is not capitalized you mean in as a secular poem. Either way
this is very beautiful.
I an continually amazed at how much can be said in so few words. You have done a very good job here!
This poem tells a great story of a strong woman who saves her village. Ne it truth or fiction, it is a
wonderfully heart-warming story. Your poem does well with the rhyme scheme but I do think the meter could be
a little more even without losing any of the meaning or details. You've really done a great job here. There is really nothing that I could say or do that would make it a better poem. I just hope that we continue to see more of your work on Writing.com!
Good poem! Congratulations on the win. You deserve
it. You tell the story well, keep to the meter and
the rhyme scheme, and it's just a great job!
I know some of your other work, also, and this is truly a departure.
This poem is stunning! The alleration, of course, is
the first thing one notices, but your meter, and the imagry of, among other things, boughs beating the sky, the "wild wind rams", the clouds like bears...these are really good images, great images, and the poem works as a whole leaving one laughing, after the seriousness of the wonderful images, along with the marvelous kookaburra.
This is one adorable poem, and takes me back to my childhood in Ohio, where tires swung from trees, and
the children played in the woods or in yards, not on
fancy plastic playgrounds with no waterholes to cool off in. I don't think they allow dogs on these playgrounds either. That time is forever gone, but at least we got to live while it was still here.
Your sense of meter is impeccable, it must come naturally or do you work hard at it like some of the rest of us? Your stanzas are even, and your almost bring tears of remembrance to my eyes.
This poem leaves me with the sweet pleasure of an early Spring day, when all is changing, even clothing.
I'm not familiar with the term "Erie" curb, unless you
mean Erie, Pa., and I don't think you do. It runs in my mind you are from Michigan, or Minnesota. I like
the image of everything, including seasons and roller
skates, flowing down the wet drain.
Your meter is meticulous. You do free verse very well!
I'd love to see more.
Congratulations! Good job!
All best,
VerySara
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This is a fine poem. It flows down the page in a
wonderful manner, and reads out loud just perfectly.
Your use of the color green is different for me, and I
love what you do with it, the way that you use the
color throughout the poem, and then end with the wish
that the reader may see and feel the joy which you do.
I love the lines "Have you ever experienced/the release of/a thousand nights from/your spirit/just by the sight of a budding tree?" Those lines are delightful, elating, wonderful, joyful and more. Your
imagery of autumn and winter are also excellent. I just changed this from a 4.5 to a 5.0 because the more I read it, and the more imagry I see, the better it
becomes.
This is a sweet story, especially for your first story on Writing.com. In the first paragraph "Claire drops her backpack..." there is a word missing between "and"and "toward". "Moves" would probably do
it. I see you've been a member for a while, but not with many items in your port. It's difficult to go to school, and find time to write, isn't it? I hope that is the problem, and not a problem with the site.
All best,
VerySara
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You have really peaked my interest in this book, altho I am going to have to read it over a somewhat long period of time. You're obviously into the sci-fi aspect of it; I'm into the weaving of the sci-fi
with the Holy Spirit, blood, etc. You did a lot of
work on this, which in itself is to be commended.
I'm gonna read it.
This story is really spectacular. It is just
wonderful, mesmerizing, and all those kinds of things.
It is one of the best stories I have read on Writing.com or most anyplace else that I can think of.
You must have majored in philosophy, to be able to
write about truth like this, truth and the search for
truth, through an old sign in the middle of nowhere that says "yield".
Then the scenes in church with the funeral, and the thoughts that go through friend's head about things she had said and done; these scenes show how she got
him thinking about truth also. But she knew about
Faust too, so she wasn't too uneducated either.
You have done a really good job here. CONGRATULATIONS{!b}
I hope you keep working on this novel. The trouble with something this well written is that I can offer you nothing to improve it. I would leave it as it is, and write on! I certainly look forward to more.
This is a good article to show the difference. I,
a free verse affectionado, also get very annoyed when
people say "That's not a poem; it doesn't rhyme".
I'm just wondering -- do you know of or think there is a difference between free verse and blank verse. or do you believe the terms are interchangable
I surely agree with what you are saying, no doubt about
that, but the poem has great promise, and I have a
few concerns about it.
I am not sure why you changed the number of lines in a
stanza from three to four to three to two, etc. Are
you writing free verse here? While there are a few
rhymes here and there, there is no regular pattern, which is usually a sign of free verse. But, the free
verse I have read, and I have read considerable of it,
is generally not in stanzas, and flows down the page
with the depth of meaning which you poem does contain.
"Can't we all be wrong?" is a wonderful line. I love it. I agree with you 100%. I'd just like to see the
poem reworked in different form. Remember, this is just one opinion among many, and it is your poem.
Although you edited this last over a year ago, and wrote it two years ago, it still shows the beauty of your soul, the goodness of your heart, and the power of words, be they long and complicated passages of philosophers and others, or the simple words of a pure
good soul such as yourself.
Many of us, myself included, have found a home here at
Writing.com, and it has given us the impetus to do what we have not done before, and that is write without fear what we feel and know that we will not be
harshly criticized for it.
This was a pleasure to read. Thank you for writing it.
Be well, and keep writing!
VerySara
My review has been submitted for consideration in .
This is a very good poem in form, meter, and dark
content. It almost sounds like something from Poe.
I hope this is not too personal, but you say in your
bio that you have come through a despair, and so I
believe that it probably is. I am sorry you have had
to go through such pain.
There are several groups here on Writing.com that consist of members who have gone through or are going through some form of depression and/or mental illness.
We are all very supportive of one another, and there for one another when needed. If you would like further information on these groups, just let me know
and I'll be glad to direct you to the right people.
I see that you have posted this quite recently, and that you are a new member of Writing.com. Welcome to
our group; may you find the support, inspiration, criticism, whatever it is that you seek in order to be a better writer. If this poem is any indication, I think you are going to do well!
All best,
VerySara
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .
Right you are, my friend, there are mainly two ways to
go in this life, and once one has chosen one way it is
very difficult to go back and rechoose. One small typo:
"feel" in the first line should be "feels" since the
subject is "nature."
Is the "dark" path really that mysterious, scarey, and
shrouded in secret? Isn't the well work path of the
everyday "normal dirt" just as bad, when you get a gold watch after 50 years of service, or worse yet, get
laid off at 45 with no retirement benefits? It is a
difficult choice, and you have made that very plain in a good poem.
I like the way the poem looks on the page. A long line
sheltering a smaller one. It's almost pagoda like.
To give "in to the unknown" as you put it, can also be
a deeply religious choice, but I do not think that is what you are speaking of here. That is the subject of
another poem.
Be well, and Write!
VerySara
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .
This story has a nice tale to tell, tells it well, and
has a good ending. I can just see those two out on
Friday nights in the big city clubs running their mouths. She caught them.
I wondered why you had put the emphasis on smoking in the story, especially in this day and age when it is forbidden almost everywhere in the United States. Now I see that what you did with it turned out to be a very good metaphor. The narrator leaves his bar, in both senses of the word, life behind, and the cigarettes become a symbol of the new man he will become' I doubt that he will be working at the factory
for long.
I did think the description of the factory work was a little long, but then the monotony of the job would be
worse, and in a way this long description mimics that station in life.
I think you have doona pretty good job here. I'd like
to see some of your other stories, and maybe some shorter ones.
You'v got a good set up for a start on a short story or a long story or a novel here, and this young lady certainly seems to know what she wants, which is not
unusual for these days and times.
I's suggest a comma after "Oh yeah". Other than that
your writing is clear, to the point, and there is no way that any reader can have any doubt about what Lindsay is up to. Her exit from the table and the drink is winsome, adorable, and confident. I think this young lady is going to get what she wants. I hope you will share her further adventures with us here at Writing.com.
This is a wonderful, heart-warming story, and you tell
it very well. With Lucky's absence prolonged the way
it is, you have sustained the suspense. Of course, I
knew he was going to come back from the title and the first paragraph, but the way in which it happened was
done very well.
One wonders, then doesn't one, about these small prayers to St. Francis, or St. Anthony, or to anyone as far as that goes. So often the prayers are answered. I'm sure that Jeff was one happy little boy,
and even more, Lucky was glad to be back with his family where the food was great!
I must say, I agree with you completely, but am not sure I share your optimism. I believe the pressure and the disappointment we feel in our nation is reflected in the rise in violent events. I happen to live in Florida, and the Ambert Alerts are constant, as are the discoveries of mutilated bodies of children. And this is merely what makes the news.
I love the way you have interspersed paragraphs of commentary with your haikus. Does this make it a "haibun?" I'm not familiar with the term.
I see that you wrote this last August. And you have only three reviews. I wonder if this is because many Writing.com members are unwilling to take a stand on what is going on in America these days. You are well- known and as far as I know, widely reviewed. I can think of no other reason. And if this be so, how sad. If you cannot express yourself freely on a writing site, where then can you?
I commend you, Elisa. And I know that there is not one
comment that I can make that would made this a better
"haibun".
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