Before I forget - Line 7, I think you mean to start
it with "There".
This is a beautiful, flowing, elegant piece for someone you love who is either dying or has just died.
I hold Easter as a very special time, more so than Christmas, and the fact that your friend or relative passed at that time of year seems to me important.
You surely are so correct in what you say: it the deeds we do that live on after us; not the amount of things that we have accumulated.
This is a very well-written piece. Your advice is sound, of course. I wonder just what prompted you to write this?
I did pick up a couple of places where I think you might want to look over again. "You are no more nor less than the person who craves of ailment is." This is in the 4th paragraph, and I don't seem to be able to understand the sentence. I just don't know what you mean, and the rest of your writing is full of metaphor and colorful wording ("the mural of mortality" e.g.) that I cannot imagine that you meant this.
The phrase "tokens in our sacs". If you are British, or you are using some word I don't know, please tell me.
All in all, this is a good write. You are certainly coherent without being pedantic, and speak universal truths without seeming to preach.
Keep writing, and please, stay here on Writing.com.
Be well,
VerySara
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This is an interesting write. I have never seen Sun capitalized before, nor have I seen the moon referred to as "he". I wonder what Sarah does on nights when the moon is on the wane, and the sky is lit only by the stars.
Howling at the moon is great to let your emotions out. I happen to live near the beach and if I feel a lot of pent up emotion I will often go to the beach at high tide, especially if the surf is a little high, and scream into the roar of the waves. No one can hear me, and the sea knows just what I mean, and carries it all away with the outgoing tide, and I feel cleansed. We all have our ways of coping. Just thank God we found them!
This is a wonderful, heart-warming story. I am so happy that you got both your husband and Jewell back, I share your love of dogs, and have absolutely no problem in understanding how much you and the family loved her. And may God bless that lady who was feeding her! You must live in a wonderful small town to have everyone on the lookout. Count your blessings. In this day and age, many dogs are stolen out of cars in order to be sold for money. It's like a black market in thoroughbred dogs.
This 16-line poem really shows promise and talent.
One little error: Line 7 - remind should be reminds to
agree with taste. Taste is the subject, then a prepositional phrase, then the verb. I'm sure you know that.
The abrupt change of mood with the abrupt change of the weather is appropriate, but startling. It makes
the poem lighter than it would be if it ended on a darker note. As it is, it's a great start. You might think about punctuation. I think it would help here.
This is a very good poem, and you have a great deal of talent, You put a lot of emotion into this one, and it is conveyed to the reader in no uncertain terms. Your imagery is clear and real, the emotion is raw,
and the death comes as a relief after such pain.
This gripping tale is full of tension, of alcoholism and how it effects the entire family, and of a needless death of a daughter, and then patricide by the son who is still a child. It is told excellent, these events which are totally believable in the hands of a capable and very talented writer.
I hurt for the little boy, and of course for Gabe and for Lily; the father, no. The mother's revenge is of course taken too literally, but it is easy to see why.
This is an absolutely first-rate story.
I love the stanza of this poem. I'm not sure, however, that I understand "White queen's intervention." Is this a Queen Bee, the White queen from a chess game, a fairy tale? Is this a love poem, male to female? That is the only interpretation I can make which seems to follow through the entire poem.
The lines "My voice in your garden/And yours in my dream" are particularly beautiful. As I said the entire second stanza seems to flow and I can visualize
two people meeting, dancing (tango) and falling into
each other arms. Lovely.
Everything. This is beautifully writen, the form is
consistent with the Lilibonelle, and you nature imagery is lovely. I'm quite partial to both geese and willow trees, so I like it a great deal, Good job!
Structure and Presentation
The structure and the presentation are fine. I see no
problem.
Overall
This is a very good poem. You have painted such a beautiful poem that I want to go laze in the park, and
read. Unfortunately it is pouring down rain here today, so I shall do it another time, and remember this
poem when I do. This is a pleasure to read.
I like your feeling of identification with nature,
and how nature can effect our moods and our writing.
I like the way you have made verbs work for you here,
and the idea and feeling that you words flow in concordance with the bird's song. Good job!
Presentation and Structure (/b}
The only word that needs changing grammatically is in
the last line. "Flows" should be "flow" I believe.
It is essentially saying my words of poetry flow with
with competence. Other than that, your presentation is fine. This is an unusual use of thword "accredit". t sent me to the dictionary, where I learn that one usage of the word is "to make outstanding." You are correct, then, and deserve much credit for this. You do have a tendency to use words in unusual ways, which is creative, innovative, and wonderful. I just noticed that in the title you have "And then there's words".
Would you say "Then there is words?" I believe "there's" should be "There Are."
Overall
Overall, this is a very good poem. Take the "s" off
of flows, and the poem reads very well. It has a
lovely, natural flow to it. This is a good write.
My only comment on this poem is "don't change a word!"
This septet follows all the rules, and as far as subject matter, it reveals you love for your dogs.
I love dogs myself, and know how wonderful it is to have them around.
This is an absolutely adorable poem, and one wherein children will take much comfort. You show such love
and protection for your child, as well as encouragement for them to "leave the nest" and be on their own, I cannot imagine anyone not liking this a great deal. It is also a good lesson in parenting.
Good job!
I like your thankfulness and appreciation for the ups and downs of life; I like the gratitude toward those who have helped you along the way. I like your ambition to be the best you can be. and I like the expression of a belief in God.
Structure and Presentation
This free verse poem looks great aligned on the left
side of the poem. There are no typos. The unrhymed
free verse structure is fine for the subject matter.
What I don't like about this Poem {/b{
I'm sure you are quite familiar with the "show, don't tell" philosophy. When a work says straight out "I
am lonely" I immediately see self-pity and become on
guard. Your following belief in God and your gratitude, and your hopefulness for the future until you meet the "most famous crossroad of all" is your
saving grace. This poem would pass in a religion class, but I'm not sure about a writing class in Poetry. I feel the strength of your faith, but as a poem, it needs something to give it a little impact.
It is better than average, however, and I think with
just a little polishing you can make it better. Thus the 4.0.
I like what this poem is saying, for I know the feeling of homesickness well. Ending it with gratitude for what you had "at home" is always the natural thing to do if you're away for too long. I've been stuck in foreign countries at times not knowing
if I would ever get "home" and it is a scarey feeling.
You've done very well on expressing this emotion.
Presentation and Suggestions
Your presentation is flawless insofar as typos and
structural errors. This is a free verse poem. I have
a personal bugaboo about centering poems, but so many on this site do it, that I try very hard to put it aside. Line 6: I'd recommend "for" instead of "of". I think it would read more smoothly.
I'd like to see this left side flush straight, and a break between stanzas, after line 5, Line 9, and Line 13; that leaves a couplet at the end. The way it is, the poem doesn't have room to breathe. You could justify that by saying that severe homesickness doesn't allow you to breathe either, and that's true; the last two lines are definitely on a different level, one of gratitude, instead of taking things for granted. I think the poem would have a stronger impact if not centered in one cluster. Your free verse is fine.
Overall
Overall, I like the poem a great deal because of what it says. As I said, I don't like the "form" you have
given it on the page. This is my opinion, and of course, it is your poem. Thomas Wolfe, as I am sure you know, wrote You Can't Go Home Again , and it's true, at least in my experience. If you are gone a few years, everything changes. People die, bulldozers come in, and those fields of daffodils are now a housing development. I'm giving this a 4.0 because of the Way you have it set up and structured. You could also have it aligned on the left side, and just put the last two lines separate. I really feel the poem is suffocating this way. The words of this poem need space, perhaps space to go home in, space to breathe and accept where you are now. I love free verse, and you have done well by it, but I feel strongly it needs just another nudge to make it a
better poem.
I like the story of the old '97. I like that it is
told in Pantoum form. This form is difficult, but once you get into it, and it is done correctly, it brings forth a good poem. It is one of my favorite
forms. I like that you chose this form here.
Presentation
I can find no errors at all in the presentation. Surely there are no typos, and the Pantoum form is
followed correctly. I checked this carefully, for I
invariably end up with a line somewhere in the wrong
place. Of course, that does not mean that you do,
but it does mean that I am pretty familiar with this
form. Your presentation is perfect.
Overall
verall, this is a good poem, and I am giving it a 4.5.
I like the quote from Emily Dickinson. I like the way
you take off from that quote and build your own interpretation in a poem of your own. I like your
expression of unending hope.
Presentation and Suggestions
Your presentation insofar as spelling and rhyme are concerned is fine. I have a problem with a couple of lines. "Quieting the turbulence in my mind" seems cumbersome. One suggestion is to put a semi-colon after "express" in the previous line, and then use
"quiets" instead of quieting. As it stands now, this
line seems to clunk along, distracting from the beauty of what you are saying.
In the line "Blanketing the menances with feathers",
again this line doesn't not scan smoothly. I'd offer the same type of change here: a semi'colon after "die"
in the previous line, and then "Blankets" and perhaps
"perils" rather than "menances," but "menances is okay too. You might try "carries" instead of "carrying" in the next line. You might want to be a little more careful in scanning these poems out. The other side of this coin is that different people often scan differently.
Overall {/}
Overall, I like this poem a great deal. You are, in a way, setting yourself up for comparison when you quote
Emily Dickenson first, because her immaculate work is fresh in the reader's mind. I'm giving this one a 4.0, because I do think it needs just a tad more work
on the meter. You imagery is good, and what you are
saying is said well. Your poems frequently leave me
smiling, with a sense of renewed hope, and that is a good feeling, and I thank you for that.
This poem tells a touching and terrifying tale. "the voices have started again/and the visions have now begun." This would seem to indicate that the poet
(or whoever this first person is) has had this happen before. The spirits appear and disappear, which is what spirits do. The ending of this poem is graceful,
expressing a belief in prayer and in Heaven's grace.
I like the poem a great deal.
Presentation
Your presentation is fine. There are no typos, you
maintain your aabb rhyme scheme throughout. The only
weak rhyme is "again/began". [That rhyme reminds me of "Begin the Beguine" (sp?) which was a song from long ago]. Your meter stands up, although I did not
scan it out; it reads well. You have an "s" on "casts the spirits out" which should not be there (L.3, 7th stanza).
What I do not Like about this Poem
There is nothing I dislike here. To combine what seems might be a terrifying experience with
Heaven's grace so successfully is not easy, but you have done it here, in a wonderfully agile way. Good job.
Overall
Overall, I'd say this is a good poem. As a reader, I
was brought into the heart-beating terror, and then
the relief of Heaven's grace, and the sparing. You
have done a good job here. I'm giving this a 4.5.
You build the suspense well. The characters are believable -- love does strange things to people.
I think her character is more fleshed out than his,
but truthfully I cannot visualize either one of them.
She has a pony tail, but I have no idea what Bryan looks like.
Presentation
Flawless. I did not see even one typo, and there are
no structural errors. Good job here.
(b} What I don't like about this Story
Diane seems cold and thinks quickly and clearly. He thinks he has tied her up and thrown her in the lake to drown, but she frees herself and cuts his brake line
in his car -- both have murder in their blood. I can imagine what their love must have been like. Passion
rules. The story is a little too contrived, and kept
me guessing -- was this a dream? Or was this really happening. I had to suspend disbelief. I would have preferred to see it a little more real, or unreal. This is in that etheral realm in between.
Suggestions
Personally, I'd like it to seem more real. Maybe I just don't want to believe that people behave this way,
when in fact I know they do. Make me believe this one!
Overall
This is a clever short story. Despite my preferences hat it seem somehow "more real". I'm giving it a 4.5.
It is well-written, you build suspense well, and the
dialogue is fine. I still cannot believe that both of
them have such murderous hearts. They deserve each other. Imagine what that marriage would have been like. As it is Diane is still free to be a threat to society and to herself. Have you been reading too much
Stephen King?
This is really a good poem. rarely give 5.0 but this one has got what it takes -- perfectly presented, the beauty of this poem just flows in the air like an
egret, all white and lovely and free.
Mother Nature always has her way in the end. The more human beings try to contain her, the more violent she seems to get. Volcanos erupt, tsunamis wash over towns, floods cleanse towns, and earthquakes are a
warning. The Earth knows what's going on. And so does your beautiful poem.
Your poem is a good one, and the explanation is very
poignant. I'm glad you found your voice, and that you are proud of it. That shows great growth.
I was drawn to this piece because October 15th is my birthday and I wondered what in the world happened?
At first I thought it was to your children, but your explanation helped.
What kind of work do you do?
May the Muse be with you!
VerySara
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Right on! Not only do I agree with you 100%, but you
have written this very well. Clear, honest and forthright, you state your preferences. Also, I would hope that anyone who would read this piece would see the waste and the consumerism inherent in such a
"shrine". I know it is important for people to express their grief, but there are other ways to do it.
Your last paragraph and the end sentence say it all.
I'm so happy to know someone agrees with me! Thanks for writing this. It's made my day much better.
This is good. I can identify with the entire piece,
except I don't have a sister that has self-publisheda book of poetry. I've read and own A Confederacy of Dunces and must admit I did not find it as hilarious as some, but it is a good write, and a good read. I'm not sure why Walker Percy is included in here. Probably some esoteric literary information I have not come across as yet.
Your ending is wonderful! You did a great job here!
Good story! Or monologue, or whatever you want to
call it. It is inventive, and as the reader I sat
breathlessly awaiting the amazing feat! The ambiguity of the ending is wonderful; I particularly like ambiguous endings. They make me think and try to carry the story forward to a closed ending. In this case, I think he'd be at the bottom of the East River in no time, but that's a little too real. I'm trying to figure out a believable way to get him across.
I love items that make me think! Thank you. This one
is really a pleasure to read.
All best,
VerySara
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This is a very good poem. Seems to me each poem I read of yours is better than the one before. But that
can't be true. The truth is, you are a very talented
poet.
This poem, as I read it, is about appreciating the
simple things -- "a lilly curled and drying on a sill -- and being a strong person with an "iron will" at the same time. The birth trauma and the love-hate relationship with life I think we all go through until we grow up and accept what we have been born into, and
older now, we are more able to separate out what we can and cannot do.
I would bet that you get many interpretations and comments on this poem, as on any poem, and some are right on and some are out of left field. But does it
matter? What matters is that you provide so much
pleasure and beauty to the reader. I've seen it every time I come across one of your poems.
Regarding you second to last sentence, his sorrows will become your sorrows, and his joys will become
your joys also. You will share them.
I do not think you were raised Catholic. Catholic
Nuns see themselves as brides of Christ, which is why they wear a wedding ring.
This is a lovely and profound realization you have had, and I hope that you are able to continue in you faith and belief. It will be of greater and greater help to you.
God bless,
VerySara
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