I like this poem a lot. It leaves me with feelings of bravery and sadness, surely the feeling of riding a
bicycle to the Keys with the wind and the rain pounding for both sides. The repetition of the refrain
is what makes the poem so powerful, as well as your
imagery. I really had the feeling of being in the poem bicycling with all of you.
This is a poem well on its way to being a very good poem. A couple of things threw me. One is the use of the word "slag" which sent me to my dictionary, where it defines slag as "the dross or scoria of a metal."
Do you know another definition of this word that is not in the dictionary, that is maybe a slang usage?
"Live a life not aborted" -- whose life was aborted?
Surely not yours...you are still alive or you would not be on Writing.com.
"...the fork not the knife" -- I'm not sure what you are trying to say here. A fork can be just as dangerous it seems to me; unless you are taking fork to me some sort of refined utensil for dining. And lastly, "pals" seems like too much slang for this kind of poem which speaks of frescoes and Michaelangelo.
You might consider trying to read this out loud, and keeping the meter a little more even. It doesn't need much, I don't think, but there are places where, for me at least, it reads awkwardly. I'd also like to see this poem in separate stanzas. However, as you well know, mine is but one opinion, and you will get others. In the final analysis, it is your poem!
It is well on its way to being a good one.
All best,
VerySara
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This is a very nice tribute to one wonderful poet. I too am a great admirer of Emily Dickenson, and always have been. You have done well by her.
Personally, I would like to see the fourth stanza from the end be the final stanza, and then the ones that are now the last three would come before the last and
after the line that now reads "Come to ease our pain".
Not only would the lines of your personal gratitude follow after your acknowledgment of her pain, but your
final lines of your poem would then be the metaphor of the bull pen of expectation, which I happen to think is striking.
As you know, this is only my opinion, and you will get
others, and in the final analysis it is your poem, but you are surly on the right track.
I am left with a feeling of exhaustion, and then of hope. I feel as though I just relived a relationship I had once, long ago, when we sat in cafes filled with smoke, and in lobbies filled with silences, watched sunsets of blood and dawns of light blue sky all clear and bright. I wore hand-made sandals then and stayed up all night.
I love this poem. Not because I've been there, done that, because I'm not sure I have done just want you are talking about, but because it takes me to that time when I was doing things sort of like that and I loved it, and I miss it now, and I miss him.
our ending ~ I take it to say that you will be doing it all over again. You may have seen it coming, "the time/to go home", but you didn't really mean it, did you? It's like, and I hope neither you nor anyone who reads this review misunderstands me, but it's like some kind of liquid existentialism of Sisyphean proportions that just flows down the page from every Bohemian (or at least collegiate) enclave and/or relationship therein contained. Does this make any sense? It's meant to be a great compliment and at
the moment I don't know any other way to out it. I am aware that members of this community believe that if one mentions, let alone quotes, a philosophical movement or a writer of the stature of Rilke, Neruda or
Sartre and Camus, one is being pretentious, but I must beg their forgiveness, for at this time I know no other way to put it.
Your last stanza says it all, and says it very well. You know that it (and he) will be there again. Or, is this about sunsets and blue skies at dawn? I doubt it.
But if I am too far off, please let me know.
This is a fun idea, a campfire for two, and making
it public gives everyone many ideas (at least it does me). I have one question for 4Ps Thanks (((Anon)))"
Why is the would precious in bold in the last
entry?
Isn't this a pantoum?
And it is a very good one; it's a good poem whether it is a pantoum or not (I'm 99% sure it is) because the
repetitive form is so delightful. I'm wondering if you wrote it for a prompt contest because you have certain words in bold print. I think "consequences and "dances" is a bit of a stretch for a rhyme, but as you know, that is only my opinion. I cannot quite get a picture in my mind of how the lighthouse fits it; it more that the poet is behind a one-way glass watching some party of young people doing things that young people do, and he/she (the poet) has moved passed this in his/her life. I love the lust metamorphosizing into a tendril. I think that is my favorite -- where the whisp of desire becomes a tendril. I like this poem
a lot! It's joyeous amid the disgust, and again the
repetitive lines add such a wonderful character to the structure.
This poem is beautiful, heartbreaking, and my heart aches for you both. Being very close to a similar situation, I can empathize with you a great deal.
Your rhyme scheme is perfect, as is your presentation.
I send prayers for you and for your son.
All best,
VerySara
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You have done a pretty job here of describing what fear can sometimes feel like and do to a person. I have a little trouble with the last stanza. I think you need an "Or will it" or something or that sort to separate the two ideas in that stanza, for they are two distinct possibilities. Also,buried only has one r in it. Just a typo, I think. It sent me scurrying to my dictionary though.
Fear is a strange thing, isn't it? It seems to come and go. In this poem, for you, however it sounds as
if it is constant. I would think that would be difficult to live with.
Be well, and write!
VerySara
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You wrote this some time ago, in April of 2001; it is now four years later. The man who lives across the street from me, a man named Eric, was in the National Guard and was sent to Afghanistan. He was sent for "six months". He was there 2 years. I said "Was
it awful?" He nodded his yes, and added "Don't go
there; it's really dangerous. And they hate Americans."
He got back a few months ago. We are not being told the truth, not abaout Afghanistan, not about Iraq. I wonder if we are being told the truth about anything. You'd rather be living here than there? This is one of the most dangerous countries in the world, and you're right, one of the most decadent.
We use most of the natural resources of the world, most of the drugs, and encourage promiscuity. Before
we went into Afghanistan, I heard from friends who travelled there, that it was one beautiful country. Now the Afghanis are filled with hatred for Americans, And Americans are bur walking hostages in those lands. I don't have an answer either, and I'm an arm-chair guru when it comes to politics, but I do know what we as a country did, was wrong. We were wrong in Afghanistan, and we were wrong to go into Iraq. Our greedy need for oil is the only motive. I have not heard bin Laden mentioned for months now.
Thanks for writing this. Thanks for putting your opinion out there.
WOW! I rarely give out 5.0s, and only to poems that
make me go WOW, and/or blow me away. This, to me,
is a very good poem. You follow your own form. You tell a story, probably a story about dreams, but you, in the end, ask all the right questions.
You are very optimistic in this poem. I wonder if you are in real life, whatever that is. I am very glad that I read this tonight; it was a pleasure, and more.
Be well, and write!
VerySara
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She passed the unmade bed and thought about how they used to make love with such hunger, and now Shukumar hardly ever touches me except if he accidentally brushes me when we pass in the hall or something. He doesn’t get up with me any more either.
This part of your first paragraph goes from "She passed the unmade bed...not Shukumar hardly ever touches me..." To switch pronouns like that successfully, I think you might want to insert "...and now she thought about how Shukumar never touches her except when they pass in the hall or something. She thought about how he doesn't get up with her any more either." If you don't like that suggestion, it seems to me that you still should do something. Or, maybe you know things about grammar that I do not.
I don't know where Lahiri's work, especially the The Translator of Maladies and I don't recall her making a mistake like this. Perhaps the translation you read is different from the one I read. Or, if this is the part that you delved into on your own, I
think you may want to look at it again.
This is a very heart-felt letter. You need a few commas here and there...especially in the last two
paragraphs. I think you need a comma before and after
the phrase "just change". I'd also suggest one after
"ending" in the last paragraph.
For me "Good bye" seemed rather abrupt, and took me
aback a little. I would prefer to "Godspeed" or
"Peace be with you", but that's me. And it's YOUR letter. This one's a tearjerker. It's also very
beautiful, not overdone, not sentimental. Just honest, loving, and sincere.
Good story! I like it a lot. It's very scarey too.
You build the suspense very well. I like the up-in-the-air (I should sat "up in the loft" ending, but
not everyone will. I've a couple of small comments.
First, a question or two. If the "fifth wheel's sleeping area" the same as a "sleeping loft"? What does R.A. stand for?
The last sentence bothers me. You use the word "dream"
three times. Also I think you need some commas -- one
after "down", then you need an "it" between "placing" and "exactly",and then if it were mine (I know it's YOURS) I'd omit the phrase "as if in a dream" or else
change the last phrase to "to sleep or not to sleep".
Just a suggestion. Remember, this is only my opinion,
and you will get others, and in the final analysis it is your piece, to do with as you want.
Also, you might consider your categories: you might want to use the horror genre. "Fantasy" is okay too.
You've gone a good write here! Good luck if you enter
this in a contest. I hope you win!
VerySara
Nice, really nice. Very nice ending. Last stanza is
great!
Suggestions: Second stanza: why did you use "rode"
instead of "ridden"? Any special reason? I'm thinking this way ~ since you start with "I've" I think "ridden trains of bravery", then "seen" works with I've, and I think you mean "distant" rather than "distance".
Do tinkers and wanderers wear veils? Or do you mean this metaphorically? I thought you were going to go under veils of weeping widows, or muslin women, or nuns ~ but this is okay too. It just doesn't follow
for me from "gentle men", except I think tinkerers and wanderers are usually gentle men, so, okay.
Also, and here I'm just asking, why "ragged" contemplation? I love the sound of the phrase, but I'm not sure what you mean. I think you mean more like
"horrific" contemplation/Of inventors bringing light.
Aren't you referring to the industrial revolution and
how it put so many out of work? Just as the technological revolution is now?
One more thing: while I love the expression "fellas"
there are a lot of women in that past too, from brilliant to bawdy, and maybe "people" would be better,
just not as folksy. Or "folk who/have delivered me a glass." Cheers!!
The last stanzas is totally redemptive of any error in the rest of the poem, and you earn that stanza well.
Nice job!
Thanks for asking me to review this for you.
Be well, and keep writing!
VerySara
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I love the lines "I waited and forgot/or lost the memory of a memory/of my heart, ripe for capture".
You last four lines send me off into a place called rapture, and are really lovely.
Don't change a word (unless it's changing the second
line to "in a long time" removing the parentheses, but it's up to you. It certainly "works" this way too).
This one is definitely a MUST READ for everyone interested in how blank verse can be absolutely exquisite!
Beautiful bittersweet story. The dogs are beautiful.
They had long and happy lives, and just like many people who live together for a long time, they did within a few months of each other.
I am a great animal lover also, and am rarely without dogs, so I can doubly appreciate your story.
Thanks for writing it.
Be well, and write!
Verysara
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This is a good description of what depression can be like. I've been there. You did a good write here.
Hopefully it will help someone else recognize what is
happening to them before it is too late.
This is a charming poem, in the tradition of highest
pastoral romanticism, and I love it. I feel transported back in time and place where peace there
was instead of crime, and forests instead of condos.
Of course, upstate New York is still somewhat full of
forests and creeks and ponds; around Ithica was always
one of my favorite places. This is a lovely poem,
inspired apparently by God and landscape. You write
well. I hope you continue.
All best,
VerySara
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PS) Weathered is misspelled in the last line of the second stanza. I'm sure it was a typo.
Beautiful poem. The last stanza is just so good,
I feel as though I've just read Yeats for the first time, or something near to that. You last stansa is
a gem, and you build to it will in the first two. A French Impressionist, I believe, did paint Lady with Umbrella and I am too lazy to get my art books
out and see. Manet, perhaps, or the pointillist, whose name I cannot remember now. It's now important.
Your poem is. The joy in that final stanza makes my
heart swell with gladness. I thank you.
This is a very lovely, very riveting story. I was drawn into it immediately. At first I thought the father had killed the gramdmother because after the shot she sees her gramdmother fall safely to the ground. I guess the key word is safely. She would hardly be safe if she were dead. My mistake.
You draw the girl into this grim scene and her interior monologue is fine, well-written and very sad.
Another thing I don't understand is why your ratings
are as low as they are. With 12 people rating it. I must be missing something.
Be well, and write!
VerySara
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This is a good, thought-provoking poem. I like poems
that make me think.
There is nothing I could say or do that would make this poem any better. Don't change a thing!
This is adorable. Your concept is wonderful, and I
love it. It is too bad we have to grow up, isn't it?
I think it was George B. Shaw that said that youth is
wasted on the young, and how true that is.
Your presentation is flawless, no typos, the poem looks good on the page, and the content is something everyone should be able to relate to. Good job!
Be well, and keep writing!
VerySara
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