I like this poem a lot. There is built into a wild
spirit, a defiance not only of nature, but of the mundane. "Roses in the sand dune" - WOW! What a great
image. I like the way this poem is presented; it looks
great on the page. Good job!!
Obviously, there is nothing I dislike about this poem, nor do I have any suggestions for making it better. It reminds me of Edna St. Vincent Millay's early work, and I am not sure why. I think it is the high defiant spirit, with which I can identify.
I love this poem. You managed to hook me in immediately and I could feel that surge of energy that comes when we are writing and writing well. Your last two lines express this feeling of soaring very well indeed.
There is nothing I don't like about this poem, and I would have a very hard time making any suggestions for
improvement. I'm giving this one a 5,0, something I don't do often, for the sheer beauty of it, and your
ability to capture the rapture of writing.
This is a poem that leaves me smiling softly to myself, and saying yes, I understand. You have done
a fine job here, in unrhymed verse, of describing the
first feelings of Spring. Your presentation is flawless, which makes it more pleasant for the reader.
What I Don't Like About This Poem
There is really nothing I don't like about this poem, but I wish it were a little stronger, had a little more impact; I feel something is missing here and I can't quite put my finger on it.
Unfortunately, I'm unable to give you any suggestions for making it a "better" poem. I see from the rating of 19 people that the poem is well liked, so it must be me. There is something I'm not getting.
Honestly, this poem blew me out of the water! I love
it. I think you do free verse better than most anyone else I know of. Your last line is the kicker. I even
said "Oh, Wow!" out loud to the walls.
You have chosen your words carefully, and they are placed in an order which leaves nothing to the imagination. The reader can see Death riding his
horse "in the moonlight's altered glow" and then the
final line, which I shall not forget anytime soon.
Thanks for writing this one. It is a pleasure to read.
I like that the poem is so abstract. I love the concept of "ethereal pantomime," I am not sure what
constitutes a "Double Acrostic" as opposed to a
regular Acrostic, so I don't feel too qualified to
comment on the form.
What I Don't Like About This Poem
There is nothing I don't like, although I must say, I wonder about the "oh la" in the 9th line. I'm really not sure why it is there. That doesn't mean I don't like it, as it does that I just don't understand it.
Suggestions for Improvement
I have no suggestions for improving this poem. It is
fine as it is.
This is a fine example of free verse at its sparcest and best. You chose your words to give the merest suggestion of what is going on, and leave the reader to imagine the rest, which I found quite easy to do.
You have four stanzas, each in the same form, and the
presentation is flawless. Good Job!
There is not a thing I dislike about this poem, not do
I have any suggestions for improvement. I'm giving this a 5.0, and I don't do that often!
I agree that the sunrise is awesome. I live on the
Atlantic coast, and have seen some really spectaculat ones. This is a very low-key piece. The cat, the brewing coffee, the Prayer book. I think you point is that you became so engrossed in the sunrise that you did not realize you were drinking your coffee, but I think that you need, somehow, to make this point a little stronger. Also, you must have a mighty coffee maker for it to echo from the house and cause reverberations to your back yard.
Overall, this is an essay which shows a lovely admiration for both God and the sunrise, but I honestly think it could use a little work. Not much.
Just a little polishing to make the end stronger.
This is a beautiful poem about one finding God after
so long of just watching. The repetition of lines works wonderfully here, and while I don't recognize this particular type of repeat, I like it a great deal.
This is a beautiful story, a wise one, and one with a moral as true today as it was in the oldest of times.
This story is well paced, and very touching. Your characters are well drawn, and although there is very little dialogue, I could just visualize this busy little village with everyone preparing a feast by contributing to the chopping and cooking. It is very well-written.
This is an excellent story, and beautifully written.
Had I known it was erotica, I would not have read it,
but since I did read it, I shall give it my best.
The love-making is tender, and explict. There are only three lines of dialogue "Let's go inside." And
I take it that it took you a while to complete this from the by-line. The comparison of the body with the sea is beautifully done. You did a very good job!
Good poem, and good question. Just remember, the older you get, the faster time seems to go, so you have to enjoy every minute.
Your first very seems to be mostly free verse with an
occasional rhymen, and then the second verse follows a more or less rhyme scheme. Whatever -- it works. The
poem reads smoothly down the page, and your last lines
are wonderful!
This is a wonderfully honest account of what someone goes through under these circumstances. Women do it
too. All that fear and lack of confidence, mixed with
desire and adoration, is difficut to handle.
In this case, I wonder what happens after they speak.
Has she been looking at him also? All that is left
to the imagination, which is good.
You've no typos or structural problems here. You've
done a good job of letting us inside the head of someone going through the throes of unrequited love.
This is a well-written and very heart-warming story.
It moves right along, and is well paced. The reader's heart, at least this reader's, is with Bentl, and his pain becomes the reader's pain, which I believe is one mark of a good writer. The hunters are portrayed as
unsavory types; you have contrasted Bentl's beauty and pain with their coarse ways very well. The ending is
wonderful in its sad way; bittersweet and beautiful.
I very much enjoyed reading this story. Thank you for sharing it.
This is very funny, but I imagine it wasn't so funny
when it was happening, if it did indeed happen. This
sounds like a letter written to someone; you introduce the pronoun "you" at the end of the second paragraph.
Either you are standing in a room, hands on hips, talking to this "you" person, or you are writing a story to tell your reader what happened. I'm not sure just what you are trying to do here.
Otherwise, it is very funny. I have never been able
to write humor, and really admire people who do. It's just not my forte.
This poem tells a fine and optimistic story, and shows the pain you are leaving behing and the knowledge that your future will be brighter because that is what you are seeking, and what you will find.
The fourth line of the poem is somewhat problematic.
"Showing where my future lay" is not correct English,
as you must know, although I'm sure you used lay instead of lays to get the much-need rhyme. Some suggestions that come to mind are "Showing where my path does lay" or even "Showing me the way". You really do need to fix this, however. IMO.
If you do change it, and want me to re-review it, please let me know. I will be more than glad to.
Stunning poem. Your free verse style fits well into the same-length stanzas, and your meter and rhythm are fine. There is only one line that is off-meter, and that may be because you want it to stand out, I'm not sure, but "I can never forget my stunned amazement" should probably be two lines.
The other things you might consider is the title. If you did not have the by-line about your going to foster care, the reader would have no way of knowing what exactly was going on. I thought for a fleeting second there was going to be a murder.
The teddy bear adds a good, personal touch. So does your sister locking herself in the laundry room.
Overall, you have a good poem here. I wish I could offer you more ways to make it better, but to me it really does not need muchm, if anything at all.
This is a very beautiful, and sad, poem. I love the fourth stanza! I keep reading it, and keep reading it.
I like the fifth also, a great deal, and think that the beginning, middle and end of the day built up very well to the last two stanzas where the intimacy begins, and culminates, with the poet alone, in the cordarkness, "...cursing the night/for having a million eyes/and no mouth." These images are going to tay with me for a long time, and I thank you for them.
This is really a hearat-warming coming-of-age story, and I think I appreciate it all the more because I would never have been able to do it. I would have kept all four puppies until the day they died, even if I had to baby=sit to pay for their shots and food.
Good for Norman! I bet he really did feel better.
You have the start and the concept for a very good poem here. I have several suggestions that might help to improve it.
First line of last stanza: if I read the poem at all correctly, since she is in bed the entire weekend, regretting what happened, I would think the first line
here would read "I wanted to come home."
The first stanza perhaps does not need the repetition, especially since you are not following a particular form that has set principles. I would suggest "The sone was smooth/in the palm of her hand/Her fingers caressed it/Her hand enclosed it." That would give you four lines which would be in line with the other 4-line stanzas at the end of the poem.
This is, of course, just my opinion, and you will get
others. It is, in the final analysis, YOUR poem.
This story is adorable. It is also well-written. I felt as though I were there in the jungle with you,
making discoveries and finding incredible plants and animals. This is really a good job with short fiction.
The ending is great!
I am no expert in this field by any means, but these
lyrics sound like they'd be great if sung by the right rock band. As you know, these lyrics are very dark.
One small note of advice: In your byline for this item you have "Stupid lyrics that..." I urge you to change that; it is bad enough to feel the need to belittle yourself in public, but this is the first thing the reader sees. Do you want to leave "stupid lyrics" as a first impression?
Happy summer,
VerySara
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I am not an expert on the Pantoum (there are some on this site who are) but I do believe they usually follow a rhyme scheme: ABAB, BCBC. CDCD, DEDE and then EFEF forms the last stanza. Your lines are in the correct place, certainly, but the meter is somewhat uneven, and the rhyme is not in keeping with I know about the Pantoum.
Your imagery is lovely, as is the subject matter. I do think you need to relook at the meter and the rhyme scheme, although it is YOUR poem.
You have the rhyme scheme of a sonnet, but unfortunately this work does not come near iambic
pentameter. What type of sonnet were you trying to
write?
Your subject matter is perfect for a sonnet. Love is
the great subject for this type of poem.
You are saying essentially, that you would rather be with him than alone, right? Why not someone else?
You have a lot going for you here, and it needs only a bit of rewrite to make the meter work for you even more. I'm giving you a 3.5, and if you do scan the meter to pentameter, let me know, and I will re-review it.
Happy summer,
VerySara
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