good work. not much of a hook, but the story moved along quickly. to the meat of the story. I like the just enough detail to keep me curious. the fact I became concerned about your character and his name was never mentioned, again good work. The twist at the end was very enjoyable, and completely unexpected.
great work. The beginning was fairly benign kind of predictable. I enjoyed surprise. At first thought the leaves would end up poison ivy. nice redirect. very good twist, but one the one I expected.
good story. I would like to think we can be that close to another person. myself I'm a dreamer so I want to believe we all have abilities we don't know about.
good work using dialogue to move the entire story along with very few words. Maybe you could lose the part about the officer being frustrated, it causes a brief shift in perspective. beyond that I am curious if you were able to write this in one draft or was it longer to start and pared down to this essence.
nice work, good choice locating the town beside the sea. a nice slow start. good introduction and background placing the girl within the confines of her culture. I liked how you developed Sullivan letting the reader see his shady character for themselves. nice job not giving away any details not required to understand the story line. the action gets a big kick with daring escape/rescue. I look forward to reading more.
I very much agree. Not that stories of endless gore make a good story. They do not, not for me anyway.More like A small dose of malaise makes characters appreciate the rainbows a little bit more.
Ok the beginning has promise. I did not get a chance to feel any interest for your characters. The question to be answered where did the 3 moons good was not addressed. The back story give some clue as to the timing but the pace is not moving forward sorry to say this could use some work. Don’t give in not all of them are winners. Keep at it.
Good story the confusion about where she was, but not how she got there like her death was preordained by sickness or suicidal. I like the use of a guide to move the story forward without the main character pushing the action so to speak. Tied together with a nice conclusion. Good work
Ok wow a cautionary tale? Not the ending I would have expected. The story did not really go anywhere or make me feel anythIng besides sorry for a spoiled child. The nice slow beginning and middle did not fit for me with the boy not learning his lesson until he dies from starvation keep on writing.
Ok very good prologue, good beginning scene with believable hook to get the action started. Good setting’s description and building action. The impending threat of the knife well stated. The internal dialogue could use a little polish. Just my opinion. All in all well done. I hope your characters have an epic conflict.
Wow well done the beginning has a nice hook. Suspense built up through the length of the journey. The middle has short pause with the entrance of another passenger. Back at it as the floors pass by. The conclusion has a twist i for one never saw coming. A job well done.
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