A place to keep my personal goals and record progress.
|I am an emotional eater. I am going through some emotions right now. This is part of the reason I want to write about them. I want to overcome eating them. I had a realization last night. While I have conscientiously made the decision to forgive hurtful occurrences in my past, I still have to live with those consequences of other people's actions. It is hard to fight the anger and hurt sometimes at the memories. How do I resolve the hurt? How do I let go of the emotional scars?
Let me share an example of what I am talking about. Growing up, since I was the only child, the expectation was laid that I would get my parents’ house and vehicles and their belongings. This was talked about over and over again.
I have to add some explanation here. This is where some emotional baggage plays a role. My parents didn't want me to get a driver's license. I got a permit, but never a license. They didn't want to have to pay extra on insurance to add me to theirs. This is what I had for years. They made it difficult for me to drive. A lot of times, I had to rely on them or friends for transportation through the years.
I was expected to grow up, get married and live off of my husband. I wasn't supposed to get a career. I was just supposed to know how to be a good little obedient house wife. I was poor so I shouldn’t expect to go to college. I should just accept whatever job I could get. Dad wouldn't even teach me how to maintain a vehicle. I wouldn't have known how to change a flat tire accept my mom decided to teach me that without my dad knowing it.
My parents’ did not keep up their house. They would rather go to Golden Corral every day rather than fix what needed fixing. I felt like they wanted to use me. I felt like they wanted me to be responsible for them while they continued to be irresponsible and got mad when I rebelled against it.
The house got in very bad condition. I had tried budgeting for them. I tried to talk them into moving into a safer place. They just would not listen to me. I tried telling my uncle and my aunt. The house continued to rot while they were living in it. They had a nice infestation and a roach infestation. The roof leaked when it rained in just about every room in the house. The floors began to warp.
One day, my aunt decided to pay them a surprise visit. She saw the condition of the house. It was then that my Dad’s family decided to do an intervention. I was told about it ahead of time because the family wanted to prepare me for what was coming. At first, they were talking about my aunt becoming their power of attorney. They were saying they were all going to get together to get my parents to move or something.
I tried to warn my parents what was coming. They were kind of hoarders too, so I tried to tell them his family was planning a take over and they would not be allowed to keep all of their stuff. But what did I know? Dad’s family wouldn't do that.
Well, one day the inevitable happened. My mom was unsteady on her feet anyway. With the floor being warped it was very hazardous. She was already showing signs of cognitive issues. Mom was rushing to the restroom after she had taken a shower and had gone to her bedroom to get dressed. She had a bout of diarrhea. She got off balance on the warped floor and fell. She ended up going all over herself and the restroom. Dad needed help getting her up and cleaned so he called the paramedics.
I received notice at work that mom had fallen and been taken to the ER. I got a friend to take me over to the hospital from work. They let me leave early. When I got to the hospital, I discovered mom had broken her arm and shattered her elbow. She was going to receive surgery the next morning to get pins and plates put in and would have to be in the hospital a few days.
Dad's family made their move at this time. They came rushing in from out of state. Again, I made a last ditch effort to warn my parents. Dad got mad at me and told me to shut up. So I dropped it. The day of the surgery came. Of course, this gave them opportunity to talk to my dad away from mom. They also made him stay at the hospital until she got out of surgery. He wanted to leave. It ended up being a very long day. I tried to talk decently and bond with my dad but instead we kind of argued. My cousins finally had to come intervene with my dad because we just kept arguing. I honestly tried not to, but he was in one of his foul moods and just being hateful. He would get like that from time to time.
The next day the decision was made among the other family members, I was not included, that my Dad’s sister’s daughter was going to take their power of attorney. My mom was not in her right mind for at least a month after the surgery. About 3 days after the surgery, she was released from the hospital. Dad’s family put them in a hotel. The next day the power of attorney papers were signed in a lawyers office without my knowledge. They put me down as medical power of attorney since my cousin didn't live in Oklahoma. She lived in Georgia. However, this way I could make medical decisions in an emergency and only if my cousin wasn't available to make them. So nice of them to at least allow me that. Plus, they even misspelled my name with my parents sitting in the room on those “legal” papers.
The following day is when I was informed of what was done. At first, I wasn't allowed to see a copy of the papers signed. I was just told this was how it was going to be. My dad told mom to sign the papers so she did even though she didn't understand what she was signing. My cousin had money. I didn't. I just worked at Target at the time.
I was so angry and hurt by this at the time. I didn't know who to be more angry at. I was livid and couldn't do anything about it. I felt rejected by my parents. I was made to feel like a failure as a daughter. I wasn't supposed to remember the abuse at the hands of my father. I was supposed to pretend it didn't happen and and kiss my parents behinds to take care of them. I wasn't supposed to have a life. I didn't have a husband. I was supposed to live under my father's command. My parents word was gospel. I was outside of God's will.
This hurt so very deeply. On top of that, my best friend’s mother had died in September of 2010. In December of 2010, DHS removed my godson from my best friend’s and my care. He was taken away from us. We fought for custody and lost by may of 2011. This with my parents happened in June 2011. I had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't go to work. All I could to is cry. I fight back tears even now as I remember that time in my life. I felt like I was losing everything. I was made to feel by family like trash and not good enough.
I don't talk a lot about this period in my life, but something in me snapped around this time. I think a part of me may have even died. In spite of everything, I continued to try to be a good daughter. I still tried to care for them to the best of my ability and felt completely helpless. How is it I could care for my best friend’s mom, but I couldn't care for my own parents? My hands were tied. I constantly dealt with my cousin over-riding me. In some sense, it felt like she was an extension of my Dad's abuse again.
I think in my mom's confused state, she had thought she was getting a free ride. She thought my Dad's family was going to pay mom and Dad’s bills with their money. Instead, my cousin managed mom and Dad’s money and made sure their bills were paid. Someone did need to intervene in this area. I agree. I just didn't feel it was right the way they went about it. She was devastated when she realized what had happened.
A lot of stuff was loaded up at the old house into a dumpster before I was even allowed to do a walk through. Pictures and other sentimental items were lost or destroyed. We were all told what we were allowed to salvage and what we were not.
I was basically stripped of any inheritance that day. My right to chose was taken away. Later in 2016, I had to go through the process again as we had to move them out of their independent living seniors apartment into a nursing home. My mother completely lost her mind then due to dementia.
I was again told what I could and could not have like a step child or something. I temporarily had my Dad's pick up. Because I had it for several months, and did not run out and get my driver's license (I caught myself gritting my teeth just then) when my parents needed me to drive for them, (conveniently, now I was supposed to get a license to cater to them.) my cousin sold the truck to another cousin without me knowing. She said he was going to come get it to do some work on it. He was the one that told me she had sold it to him. 😭 Again, I felt betrayed and stabbed in the back.
I am having a very hard time putting this all behind me. I am having a hard time wanting anything to do with the cousin behind all of this at all. I am seriously trying to do the right thing and completely forgive. This is a lot. It has layers and layers of past and present hurt in it. How do you get over this? If you know, please tell me.
I can hold back the tears no more. They are freely falling now. I can barely see the page. I still have nightmares about it. I have tried to block it from my mind, but the hurt just goes so deep. I pray and ask God to help me let it go. I may forgive, but I still have to live with the consequences of their actions. I needed to let this out. Thanks for listening.