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I held on to this article from The Independent for reasons anthropological, not because it has anything to do with me. Men told me why they really hate singles nights – and it was heartbreaking When Olivia Petter wrote a piece on why men aren’t signing up to singles nights, she couldn’t have anticipated the outpouring that came from the men who read it. And what they told her really resonated Yes, the headline's a bit clickbaity. Might need some translating, too: "singles night" seems to be what we in the US call "speed dating," which is kind of a get-to-know-you musical chairs game. Before we get into it, yes, regular readers have run into Olivia Petter before here: "Friend Zone" No, I'm not stalking her. Occasionally, you write something that strikes a nerve. A recent one of mine about men not attending singles nights was one of them. Since the piece was published – you can read it here if you missed it – I’ve received hordes of emails from men, eager to share their thoughts with me. Knowing how some men are, I don't think "thoughts" were the main thing they were eager to share. But the men writing to me this time weren’t like that. They were intentional, heartfelt, and honest. So, they were actually women, pretending to be men on the internet. Yes, I'm joking. We can be those things, or at least fake them. It's easier when you're anonymous. And they were interesting, too, offering up a wide range of insights into why men might be more reluctant going to a singles night than women. The important part here is, I think, the "wide range" bit. Men aren't all the same, despite what androphobes will tell you. One of the common themes was vulnerability, which my article touched on. “Men are used to being rejected; women are often the ones rejecting,” one person wrote. “Experiencing this again, but with an audience, can’t be that tempting.” Bit of a stereotype there, too. But there's probably a bit of truth to it. Yes, it’s a bruise to the ego if someone you’re attracted to doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. But it’s not like that happens on stage in front of a crowd that will jeer and throw tomatoes at you. Are you sure about that? There were a few helpful pointers, with some men saying that the alcohol element made it tricky for those who don’t drink, while others added that the noise of these events can be overwhelming – honestly, I agree, and I often lose my voice at my own singles nights. On the flip side, if there's no alcohol, I absolutely ain't going. And the noise thing sounds downright inhospitable. Some men argued that the psychology of modern dating favours women more than men, potentially because women can be more emotionally fluent, a skill that the men writing to me often revealed can make them feel inadequate and even more awkward. I think that’s a shame and a view that reinforces harmful stereotypes that will only divide us further in the long run. Gotta agree with the author here, even if she is a chick. That said, some people clearly enjoy gender roles and feel that singles nights harmfully undermine them. One man wrote that the format itself goes “against the grain of how many men are wired to court”. “Being lined up for inspection, filling in forms, rotating on a timer – not just uncomfortable, but actively undermines the qualities that tend to make men attractive in the first place: spontaneity, confidence, a bit of mystery. Hard to be mysterious when you’re wearing a name badge. It doesn’t feel particularly ‘blokey’ to offer yourself out for selection.” Counterpoint: I play video games and appreciate it when the other characters' names are floating above their heads. Lots of men suggested integrating activities into dating nights to give them a more competitive edge – “Add some sort of competition with built-in conversation starters. A quiz? Cooking? Cocktail-making competition? Why not a go-kart event?” – and one rather boldly advised archery, as he’d been to a singles event like this recently. And that would shut me right out entirely. It's already a competition. I despise competition. Why would I want to manufacture more of it? But I remain somewhat unconvinced that the way to help men meet women in person is to give them weapons. And this is why I bothered to save the article: there used to be a trope in comics where a primitive man would beat a primitive woman over the head and drag her back to his cave. Obviously, it's a good thing that this trope has died out (though I think an echo remains in the Star Trek universe, with Klingon culture), but that's absolutely what it reminded me of. One gentleman got in touch via email with an even more unconventional suggestion. “May I suggest you interview multiple Pokemon Go players and set up your girls’ dating trips on a weekend at a park with Pokemon Go being the focus?” he wrote. “You could bring cases of wine from Costco and have your membership still [valid] for your side gig dating programme, but trade dresses and high heels for comfortable walking shoes and sneakers.” I’m sure there’s a market for this somewhere, though I can’t say it’s something I’ve got planned in the pipeline. I'm a huge nerd. I know I'm a huge nerd. But listen, if your entire personality is Pokemon, then hang out with other Pokemoners, or whatever they're called. I'm not judging, mind you; I know it's very popular, but it's still going to leave out people who aren't into Pokemon. Overall, I’m flattered that so many men got in touch with such a range of responses. Evidently, many of us are feeling fatigued and confused by modern dating, particularly within the heterosexual demographic. And I'm just glad I'm out of that game for good. It seems wearying and degrading for everyone involved, not just some of the men. I'm also curious—again, just from an anthropology perspective—if there might be a cultural component to it, if it applies outside the UK as well. People are people everywhere, but there are different cultural norms and expectations for gender roles. Still, I can't help but think the problem is a symptom, not the disease. It seems to me, though I'm far from an expert, that such things as singles nights (or speed dating on this side of the pond) just encourages people to think of relationships as fungible, and to keep looking even after you've found a match, because you never know: There might be someone better just around the corner. Maybe that's a good thing, though. Maybe it helps people be better people, so they can keep up. Or, like me, you just give up entirely. |
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