by thea marie
What's on my mind....
|Today was one of those days. One of those that I define as “gray”.
When it’s like this, I find myself sitting, staring, not accomplishing anything and not caring that I’m not. No matter what I attempted to do today, I only it got partly done. I just wasn’t feeling it. The entire day, I have been two steps behind everything and everybody, and I didn’t give a damn that I was.
To make matters worse, the atmosphere at work was thick with tension. Lately it’s as if the very air we breathe is toxic and everyone’s mood is being tainted by it. People cluster about in their little groups, bitching and moaning about things that when it’s time to speak up about them in the larger arena and perhaps get some resolution, they don’t say a word. I wound up having to shut down one of my very best friends who came to me griping about something that had gone on in a meeting from which she had just come.
My philosophy on unreasonable demands, pie-in-the-sky ideals, entreaties to do more from those who seem to have forgotten from whence they came is ‘I can only do what I can do’. The rest, I just say okay to, smile pleasantly and do what I was going to do in the first place. Fussing and getting upset about things, arguing back, disputing what they say only fouls my mood, and I’m not having it. I had issues of my own today, so I couldn’t take on anybody else’s.
I drug through the afternoon, keeping sane by journaling snippets of my thoughts at odd moments and faking pleasant when someone ventured near the edges of my personal space (I think the force-field emanating from my person kept them outside the periphery. Good thing.)
After work on Tuesdays and Thursdays the girls and I usually go to the gym and work out. Today my workout consisted of walking to the car, fastening my seat belt, pushing down on the gas pedal after turning the ignition, and driving myself back to the house. I soaked in the tub for over an hour, and then I sat down here on the side of the bed to “veg” and to write. The writing didn’t really happen, but the vegging went pretty well.
All in all, it was one of those days where I woke up thinking, "I should call off" even though I wasn't ill or tired. Therewas nothing wrong with me except I didn't want to get out of bed and face the day or the people or drama. I just wanted to pull the cover back over my head and stay right where I was.
Category of absence: Mental health day
It’s raining outside now. A fitting finish.
I’m going to bed and hope the gray is washed away by morning.