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Rated: 13+ · Book · Experience · #2004507
This is my blog for junior year!
#874983 added February 26, 2016 at 12:21am
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Let's Go Way On Way Back When

What a Catch, Donnie
Fall Out Boy

** Image ID #2070673 Unavailable **

I will finish this if it kills me. I will finish this if it kills me.
I don't know how I ever did blogging every day. It's actually really hard. And I'm not even doing it every day, really. My respect goes out to you daily bloggers, because I've apparently forgotten how to do it. Or, alternatively, I've developed a normal high school social life so I don't have time to. Or homework. Or bad time management. Probably the last one.
Okay, so let's go back, let's go back, let's go way on way back when. It's time for a *Buttonrewind*REWIND!!!
So, let's go back to February 4, 2014. My very first Soundtrackers entry. The infamous "Some Nights. (S/O to lizco252 and Fivesixer for commenting on it even though it was perhaps the most emo thing I've ever written. The thing was, I really identified with this song it and it expressed how I felt. So much so that I made this.
Me, basically.

Well, I have found a new song for summing up how I feel, and it is no longer a song about an existential crisis to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's "Cecilia."
Oooh, I just had a fantastic idea. I'm going to copy and paste what I wrote about "Some Nights" and rebuff it with lyrics from this song, and how I feel now. Then you all can see how much I've grown in the past two years.
Old stuff will be Light grey, new stuff will be bold.


This is the story of my life right now.

Some nights I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Okay so as you may or may not know I am extremely socially disadvantaged. I sometimes feel like I have everything possible working against me. If my friends actually let me know about what parties and stuff are happening I can't go because I don't have a ride. People for whatever reason find me annoying, and no one cites a specific reason ever. I don't like the popular things, football, stuff like that.

I'll be fine till the hospital, or American embassy.
Yeah, I'm in a pretty sucky social situation at school right now. It's scarred me pretty deeply actually, which I didn't realize until I was thrust into a *normal* social situation at a college scholarship competition. But, for now, I'm stuck, but I'll be fine until I get out.

Some nights I call it a draw
And yet other times I am completely happy with everything and wouldn't change a thing.
I still want you back.
Yeah, something along the lines of Stockholm syndrome. It's the only way I can actually enjoy myself at school. I know some part of me will probably miss the fun high school times while I'm in college, but not enough to bug me.

Some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle
Sometimes I have so much fun just talking and having conversations and people seem to really appreciate what I have to say or at least acknowledge it (I love it when Isaac says 'that's actually kind of cool')

So just let me be.
I do still enjoy this a bit, but I don't depend on it anymore like I used to. I'm just doing me, and people seem to respect that now.

Some nights I wish they'd just fall off
And more often than not I find myself saying something that is turned against me. Even if there is nothing wrong with what I say. People either think I'm strange, turn it around to make me a laughingstock, or reply with something intended to be insulting to me.

I got troubled thoughts, and the self esteem to match.
This is more a statement than a remedy. I mean, yeah, I still get these thoughts. But I know they're just that. Thoughts, not reality. And of course, my self esteem always matches my mood. I can't change these things about me, it's best if I just accept them.

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Yet I continue on. I'm sure I could find people who appreciate me more. But I don't look. I deal with whatever happened yesterday and hope that the next day will be better.

They say the captain goes down with the ship. So when the world ends will God go down with it?
I was prepared to go down with that ship, the hope of being fully accepted. But now, I see how stupid that was. This lyric kinda points out the stupidity of going down with the ship if you can get off it. And I did.

Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
And the ultimate question is how far do I go? How much am I willing to put up with? Will I ever just give up?

I'm the one who charmed, the one who gave up on you.
Like I've said before, I don't depend on these people to make me happy anymore. I've essentially given up on them, but I still hang around them cause it's not worth hunting out a new batch of high school friends second semester of senior year, and besides I'll be fine till the hospital.

Whoa oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Whoa oh oh (What do I stand for?)
Most nights I don't know anymore...
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh,
Oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, oh

And then this is solely for musical purpose.

Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman
Maybe he won't find out what I know
You were the last good thing
We're going down, down in an earlier round
And sugar, we're goin' down swinging
Dance, dance, we're falling apart to halftime
Dance, dance, and these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me
This ain't a scene, it's a g*****n arms race
This ain't a scene, it's a g*****n arms race
One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories
Even though they weren't so great
He tastes like you, only sweeter.

This also is, at least for my interpretation, largely for musical purpose. It's the choruses of all of Fall Out Boy's hits up until then, sung by the many, many young artists they fostered. Cool factoid, if you listen to this song with headphones in, the choruses will come out in alternating earbuds, like the left will start with "where is your boy" and then after the second line of that the right will start "we're going down." It's cool.

This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?

Feel like this is the attitude my friends have on life.

Growing up, growing up.
This is the last chorus from their hit-chorus-bridge, but it also kind of how things are now. We've all more grown up, and my friends don't make smart decisions usually. They handle their stupid decisions rather responsibly, but they're still stupid decisions. I'm grown up enough to recognize these are bad situations and pick and choose what is good for me to be involved in.

I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white

I really hate politics, not even government politics but just social politics. Usually there's something that gets me into social trouble because of some sort of politics.

I will never end up like him. Behind my back, I already am.
So, fun fact, the reason I didn't like social politics and stuff was because apparently I'm a moderate conservative, and social media is largely moderate-to-extreme liberal. Considering social media was my main method of hearing about politics, I was a little confused. I still don't like politics, but part of that's apparently due to me actually having my own views on something, which is a development.

I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
I feel like I'm trying harder than ever and I don't think I've ever felt pushed out as much. My mom says I am trying too hard, like if someone's at a comfortable distance from me and they try to get closer I push them out, that's what they're doing. Makes sense. But I feel like if I don't try I won't get invited or missed anyways.
What a catch, what a catch.
I am a freakin' catch. I know that sounds kinda self-centered but it's true, or at least I believe it is. Any person who has me as a friend is lucky, cause I go out of my way to be loyal and trustworthy and a mentor and adviser and a good friend. If people don't like me, it's their own freaking loss.

But here they come again to jack my style
And yet it feels like everyday there is something new that someone laughs at me for. It frustrates me that no one takes me seriously.

You'll never catch us.
Nope. Not again. Not getting caught up in all that drama again. Never.


So, yeah, I've developed a lot in the past two years, and I'm glad. I'm still super embarrassed that this entry is online, but I'm going to keep it so I can remember how I felt, in case I ever forget.
Also, an alternative reason for picking this song was because my friend Nora is refusing to listen to it, but she always reads my blog entries and by now she's probably finished the song. 1 for 4, Nora.
Also, I'm going to start reading The Shining soon, and I'm super excited. Nora and I agreed to read it together, so I've been waiting for her to get her copy. Now she has it. Yay.


"Think!" by Aretha Franklin

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