Blog/Journal Type Entries

Hanging on

I am having a hard time finding the words today. There is SO MUCH happening in the world right now, and I am truly running on empty energetically.

I woke this morning, fully prepared to hop into reselling work. I tidied the living room and my desk, put my "Mellow Mood" playlist on Spotify on, and sat down to get started. I was trying to get to work when suddenly, there was an aggressive knock at the door, along with the ancient doorbell going off simultaneously.

I hesitated. There has been a lot of ICE activity nearby, and I feared that they had made their way to our apartment complex. My heart was racing, and I mentally prepared to take on a government agent, steeling myself for an argument. But in a split second, I remembered that we live in a secure building, and they would not be able to get in here without being LET in.

I took a breath and opened the door, but just a crack, and said, "Yes"? to the man standing on my welcome mat. He was a rough looking gentleman, blue collar worker type. He said, "I am just letting everyone know that there's an emergency and we are shutting the water off for a bit." I nodded and said, "Okay", and then shut the door.

I took a breath and sat in the feeling. I suffer from complex PTSD after decades of mistreatment at the hands of people I loved, and it has caused a ripple effect that renders me paralyzed whenever I perceive a threat. This current administration is wreaking havoc on my mental health, and I feel like I am in a constant state of heartbreak, or fight or flight.

It's ALL bad news. All of the time. Just when you think it can't get worse, ten more terrible things happen. I try to check out when it comes to anything political happening, but the news is delivered to me on every single platform that I engage in.

I am trying to throw myself into working, and finding the time to work on creative projects to get my mind into a space free of all of the s*** happening. But I am stuck. I am trying so hard right now to not throw in the towel and go back to bed.

There is much to be done. But I simply do not have the chutzpah to get it completed. All that I have managed to do is give my fiancé a hair cut, eat a leftover cheeseburger and watch an episode of a sitcom called Spaced. Well, and I wrote this blithering entry.

I am going to try very hard to salvage whatever is left of this day and actually get a little work done. Gonna turn my phone onto the Do Not Disturb setting and dig in.

I hope you all have a good week, whatever "good" means to you.