Blog/Journal Type Entries

The Invisible One

I am struggling. Between everything going on here in Los Angeles, and really the whole world, combined my own personal issues, I am not doing great.

ICE agents have repeatedly raided our neighborhood NUMEROUS times, and the difference is more than noticeable. Street food vendors who had been a daily sight on our street, enough that we memorized what stands would be in specific spots, are now just GONE. They have raided our parks, arresting nannies, and taking small children into federal custody.

There was the juxtaposition of the demonstrations for No Kings Day, which I thought would cause severe anxiety due the fear of the ICE agents, the National Guard and the Marines causing a violent outburst, but actually managed to be a source of tremendous HOPE, which is something that has been in short supply since the election.

We had Rick's sister and her son here. That was a little stressful, having to keep a sane face on. Wanting to participate in outings and family dinners, while managing chemo day. Having to attend Rick's son's final high school performance while pushing through the foggy head and fatigue that chemo brings. I cracked. I was emotional, exhausted, and felt completely invisible. I sat through the performance feeling like I was engaged in an internal game of tug-o-war, vacillating between feeling pride for his son, and reminding myself that he is not MY child, and I have been reminded of this repeatedly.

At the end of the show, once the students were released, his son did not even acknowledge my presence. I had a bit of an internal struggle going on. I insisted on taking a Lyft home, alone, because a family dinner out, when I felt SO terrible, was just too much for me physically and mentally. I walked out of the school alone. Truly NEEDING assistance, but Rick was busy hob knobbing, and did not even look for me until I had been standing at the curb, trying to navigate the LYFT app not accepting my debit card info for ten minutes.

I came home and went to bed. Too exhausted to make myself something to eat. I only had crackers in the car on the way to the performance. That's it. All day. At lunch time, Rick had made lunch for everyone, but did not offer me anything, and sat on the couch with his sister and nephew, chomping away, not thinking about me.

Rick COULD have texted from the restaurant to ask if I wanted him to bring something back for me when they returned, KNOWING it was chemo day, and I can't function without help, but he didn't. I am still reconciling that- namely his promise to care for me on chemo days before the decision to undergo treatment was made, together, juggled with his responsibilities to his son. I know I have to accept this perceived abandonment as an oversight on his part due to HIS own ADHD.

The day after that, I asked Rick about his son's graduation, as he had not told me a date and time yet, and was informed that it was just a few days away and we had not planned anything yet. I got the feeling that I was not invited, but when I asked Rick about it, he said he was not sure what was going on.

My intuition told me I would not be attending. I masked all of the blooming negative emotions for the sake of keeping up appearances with his sister and nephew. I stayed engaged, and made a nice pasta meal with salad and garlic bread for their final night here, and we played a few board and card games together.

His sister and nephew left the next morning, and IMMEDIATELY Rick asked me to sit down and I KNEW then...

I was not invited to the graduation. His son thought that if I attended, his mother and her sisters would cause drama, so it was just "easier" to not include me. This hurt more than I can express. I felt like I was being punished for a crime I did not commit.

I put a lot of time and energy into building a positive relationship with his kids. Most days, it feels like I am forcing it, and trying too hard. Sometimes, my efforts are rebuffed. Like the time his daughter was in town from New York with her girlfriend. I sent her fifty dollars on Venmo as a surprise and told her to take her girlfriend out on my dime. I did not receive a thank you. Instead, his daughter sent a message to Rick, saying she had donated the money to a charity, instead. If I had known she would just donate that money, to one of Rick's co-workers, a cause WE had just donated HUNDREDS of dollars to, I might not have offered it, as we could have used that money.

Most days that his son visits, I feel unincluded, like a third wheel. The constant inside jokes that I am not privy to. The closeness of their relationship that is so sacred to Rick, feels impenetrable. Don't get me wrong, I think it is great that they are so close, but my efforts to be included so far have brought very little progress. I know it takes time, but I also recognize that they are both adults, and off beginning their own journeys, so my efforts are likely futile.

Truthfully, getting the news that I was not invited to his son's high school graduation, after I had not been included AT ALL in the trip to see his daughter graduate from college in New York, really stung. I finally let my mask slip, and all of the disappointment, feelings of rejection, and sadness came to the surface, and I reacted like an injured bird, having been THROWN out of the nest.

We had our first really bad argument.

There was yelling. Then isolating myself in our room in the dark. I understand Rick's point of view. He had twenty plus YEARS of dealing with the mother of his children, whose entire family of five sisters all show signs of narcissistic tendencies. He understood that my being there would cause his ex and her sisters to cause unnecessary strife FOR EVERYONE, most importantly his son, who just wanted to feel celebrated.

My question was why she and her sisters have not been put in their place before now? I wondered out loud if Rick was just too embarrassed of me to have me be in the same room as his beautiful, thin baby momma. I told him that for my own mental wellbeing, I would cease ALL efforts with his children. I told him how his treatment of me during his son's visits made me feel. Why was I, who had done NOTHING to deserve her anger, being thrown under the bus?

We both cried, a lot.

He has spent YEARS, JUST WAITING for this era to begin. His children both reaching adulthood, so he could finally be free of HAVING to interact with his ex because of their children. I also know that he is dealing with his own feelings of not being and doing enough for his kids, even though he was a fantastic dad. This is also bringing up empty nest feelings for him.

I did not handle the news well, admittedly. I took time to pull myself out of a rejection sensitive spiral, after taking space from Rick, calming myself, and eventually, apologizing for my reactions. We were "okay" by dinnertime, though I stayed quiet throughout the evening, still processing.

Sunday- Father's day, and Rick's birthday rolled around. I had planned on us just having a chill day. I wanted to make Rick a really nice dinner, and would then bake a cake for him. At the last minute, which is pretty typical thing for his son, he called. He wanted to spend time with Rick. But he also needed Rick to take him to a craft store to get items he needed for a project he wanted to do at school the next day.

So plans changed. That's a bit of a point of contention for me when it comes to his kids. They never make plans for more than a few days out, which makes it very difficult to plan ANYTHING for the weekends, while we wait for them to make decisions on THEIR schedule. I have learned to not push back about this, knowing that once his son is in New York for college, all of our time will be free to do whatever we want.

I told Rick that I felt awkward about tagging along on their excursion, after the news about the graduation invite. Like how do I pretend like everything is fine, when I am clearly not wanted? I initially told Rick to go without me, and he seemed fine with that, which also caused even more feelings of rejection, because why did he not ask me to reconsider?

I realized then that Rick felt stuck squarely in the middle, afraid to do the wrong thing with me AND his son. I asked if he even WANTED me to go, and he said, "Of course I want you there! You are THE most important person in my life. Please come. I assure you, he WANTS to hang out with US." Just as I decided to push my own feelings of rejection and hurt aside, and concrete plans were made, his ex told the son that he had to install a part in the bathtub before he could leave with us. Yet another interruption from her...

I got upset again. I told him that once his son left for college, there was NO need for them to remain friends on social media, and having access to whatever we post on Facebook, and I told, not asked, him to removed her from his friend's list and block her on social media. If they NEEDED to communicate, it could be done via text. I also asked him to tell his children that any communication should be handled directly between them and himself, not telling his ex and having her communicate with him.

I told him it was a very firm boundary. He agreed to my compromise. And I decided to keep his birthday and father's day a happy occasion. I got dressed and we headed out.

We picked his son up and headed to Chinatown, where we had a lovely lunch, and went shopping. His daughter had texted a few days earlier to tell Rick that she had forgotten a few cherished rings, and he had said we could look for replacements based on pictures of the lost items. I carefully perused so many rings, found almost exact copies in her size, and after we told the woman we would take the rings, his daughter texted, again, rebuffing my efforts. She would rather pick her own. I think that was sue to him telling her that *I* was picking the rings out. If he had worded it like HE was doing the chooding, it would have gone differently.

I tried to tell myself that it was understandable. But he and his ex raised their children to be honest, and not always polite. Whereas, I was brought up to accept a gift and to send a prompt thank you. I don't give gifts or my energy or efforts with the expectation of a thank you. But I was brought up with the expectation that if I received a gift, I accepted it and offered a message of gratitude, regardless of whether or not I wanted or needed the gift.

I have been shown many instances of his ex's influence with their kids, and it sometimes feels like Rick just ACCEPTS it, not wanting to ruffle his ex's feathers. It also feels as if his ex has poisoned the well, so to speak, when it comes to me.

This day, he tried very hard to rectify any issues with us that I had brought up in previous days. He was more affectionate with me in the presence of his son. Telling me he loved me with his son well within earshot. He was trying.

After lunch and our failed attempt at shopping in Chinatown, we stopped by the apartment so I could change into more comfortable shoes. His son came into the apartment to wait. Rick made a point to show his son my art, which we had recently had printed on canvas and had hung on our living room walls. Rick told me to explain my process to B*, and his son seemed interested in the art.

We then went to the Goodwill Outlet to search for a clothing item that his son needed for his project. While there, Rick offered to buy me whatever I found that I could use for my sewing and reselling projects. That gave me something to do while his son dug through dozens of bins.

That was a very generous offering, and on HIS birthday and Father's Day, no less. I made sure to express my gratitude a few times.

After a fruitful shopping trip for his son and I, we headed to Michael's for fabric paint. I found an adorable coffee mug while there and Rick gave me the money for it.

We dropped his son off after that. We spent the rest of the night quietly hanging out, watching tv and movies of Rick's choosing.

I was ok until the day of the graduation. I pushed my feelings aside and pretended to be happy and well, while Rick headed out for the ceremony in the late morning. Everything was cool until he called after the ceremony. He told me that he sat next to his ex and her sister, and it went REALLY well. They all took pics together, and pretended, for a couple of hours, to be one big happy family.

Should they be civil for the sake of their son and his big day? OF COURSE. But to regale me with all of the stories about HOW TERRIBLE she and her family are, then to push me to accept not being invited, and then making it seem like it would've been drama if I had come just reopened wounds. Why am *I* being made to feel like *I* am the problem? The very few interactions I have had with his ex have always been civil. I have ALWAYS greeted her warmly. Even sent messages of support and condolences to her when her own mother died.

But I am the bad guy in this story.

I know it's the ADHD, and rejection sensitivity talking. I am just having the toughest time reconciling this. I have never been one to take things like this lying down. So having to acquiesce without sticking up for myself, or others being hurt, is something very difficult for me to accept.

Thank goodness for therapy, a meeting with my psych, and also a meeting with my therapy case manager this week, back to back, will help. I have therapy at 4:00 this afternoon. I will have plenty to say.

So this is where I have been hiding. Under the covers. I need to write more, and my case manager came up with a daily schedule for me, to help me manage my days and anything that may pop up. She stressed the importance of MAKING time for writing, so I will try hard to be here more often in the coming weeks.