Blog/Journal Type Entries

Grief.Guilt.Exhaustion. Anxiety. Repeat.

I have been doing nothing creative when it comes to my writing lately. Occasional blog posts are about all I can handle at this point. That's a damn shame.

I am currently juggling ten balls at once and I am not a good juggler.

There are so many things I would like to be doing, but something always pulls me away. Typical ADHD. I collect items in order to engage in my hobbies, and then I can never find the time or energy to actually engage.

Having my daughter here has made our already smaller space even more tight. I gave her my desk so she can game, as she has an elaborate set up with two monitors. I am now relegated to the dining table. The area I am in is in a corner and I feel shoved into the space. The stuff I use for my reselling business is stacked haphazardly all over the table, along with my sewing machine, produce that needs to be cut and put into the fridge, and whatever else everyone has decided to place there as the unofficial holding spot.

I have chosen today to rectify the mess.

This comes just one day after we spent the morning/afternoon at my parent's/brother's house, cleaning out a once rat infested garage. It was dirty, and gross, and we had to wear work gloves and N95 masks just to be in the space. There was also the almost impossible feat of managing my own emotions surrounding grief, and loss during this process.

Bins and boxes of collections and memories going in the bin.

I managed to rescue my ex-boyfriend's art collection. We packed our car with what we could fit inside, which was too much, but never enough. So many mementos shattered into a million pieces. We made a dent. But again, it isn't enough.

My brother, whose house we were at yesterday, and I are not really on speaking terms after his flub of sending me text conversations between him and his boyfriend, talking trash about me. At this point, I am keeping it short, but civil just to get what I want out of the house. After this is done, I am not sure I want a relationship with him. Period.

This whole thing is putting a lot of stress on my fiancé, as well. We have had arguments about this.

I am exhausted. I am frustrated. I am sad. My fiancé is currently hiding from me in the bedroom. Not really hiding, lol. Just staying out of my way. I am just gonna work on the apartment for a few hours and see what kind of dent I can make.

Wish me luck.