One Mile Walk

Musings to the Reflectr

A friend said, "Put that stuff out there."
I said, "But it's not writerly. They're only prompts to an AI post."
"So what. It's just you."

So, this is a chunk.

2025/10/28 I can feel the deterioration in my physical body. Today I had to move a cement block and make a step to access the furnace oil port. 5 years ago I used to carry two at a time... but now I can barely lift one. Other things, like always using the rail climbing stairs.
My one mile walks are only 2 or 3 times a week. I don't hurt after, am tired briefly, but I don't look forward to it like I used to.

2025/10/29 I've changed my response to spam callers. I feel sorry for them, having to spam people, they don't know, to make money. I don't do them any good by criticizing their language, manor, or scripts. So I just hang up at the beep, or as soon as they ask "How are you doing?"
They are annoying, but as soon as I can get rid of them, I can resume doing something useful.

2025/10/30 My wife thanks me for a few things. I help her to the bathroom, to the dining room, and back to the bedroom. I fix breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I read the mail, pay the bills, and do the food shopping. And when she's napping, I write my journal, answer emails, and take my one mile walks.
Along with each task, I hug her, hold her hand, and tell her of my love.
She makes me happy. And I realized, I'm here and now, in heaven.

2025/10/31 Answer to the Skeptic.
Yes, balance is the key, like for my walks, climbing stairs, and a decent diet. But there will be no "long run," we are 82 and 83. I cherish each moment with her like it could be our last.

2025/11/02 My wife's smile makes the chores easier. I slip her shoes on, help her out of her chair, wrap her robe around her, and she smiles. I adjust the TV angle, select her favorite shows, and bring a coffee... she smiles. I sweep up some endless dust, empty the trash, and wash the dishes, all rewarded by a smile.
At night, I lay beside her, and I smile.

2025/11/03 Even though, I am 82 and Ferne is 83, we are still planning the future.
In 2003, I stacked 3 pallets of cinder-blocks to build retaining walls, and shaped four 50 lb slate sheets to make a walk with steps down to the driveway. They have lasted through tough New England winters for 22 years. But lately, the walls are starting to lean, and a few blocks have begun to crumble.
So, we've contracted with a landscaper to redo the whole front yard. Replace the walls and make a walk with a steel rail, gentle, smooth, no steps, right from the front door to the cars in the driveway. Much easier for Ferne's wheelchair.
We may not last for another 22 years ourselves, but the house will look fabulous when we are gone.
Pricey? Yes, but what is money for?

2025/11/04 Every morning, Ferne gives me a fabulous gift. She let's me care for her all day.
I love to care for her every minute. I feel needed, appreciated, and noble for postponing my silly computer pastimes while helping her.
But, does that makes me a selfish man? For wanting something for myself... her response and her smile.

2025/11/05 My brother is 3 years older than me, currently in an ICU 900 miles away, using a cPAP, and fighting pneumonia. He was treated and survived prostate cancer 15 years ago. But yesterday, since he was already in the hospital, they did a scan. The cancer has come back as a growth on his spine.
He says he can't sleep because the cPAP is ancient, noisy, and uncomfortable. But I wonder. His wife is barely mobile, usually only with his assistance. With him being laid-up, it is difficult for her, but she visits with my niece every day. Is it the cPAP keeping him awake?
I have similar worries. Two years ago I dislocated my right shoulder and wasn't much help around the house for a week. Ferne was more mobile back then and survived OK. But if I'm gone... ?

2025/11/06 My post yesterday was my only comment about my brother's declining health. Rather than expand into expected future problems, I stayed silent. Not having more recent labs or Dr advice, any further words would been speculation. Yes, we know what could have happened, but I chose to spare fears of tragedy for his other friends.

2025/11/07 Ferne likes white chocolate, not brown, and that makes it easy to get her gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas. She also likes French Twitters with her morning coffee. I've made special trips back to the only store that has them if I forget after regular shopping.
I do indulge in a few personal things. When she falls asleep in her knitting chair, while watching "The View," I go to the basement and watch sports, Fox, racing, and NOVA on a 12 inch 40 year-old TV (sound very low).
I end every dinner with a handful of peanuts, pretzels, and a Snickers bar, while she rants about sugar, salt, and weight gain (I'm 170 lbs).
And in the evening, after I tuck her into bed, I sometimes sneak back to the basement bar and have a shot of Jack Daniel's (gosh booze is expensive, I could never be an alcoholic).

2025/11/08 "By the numbers" is what I rely on in a traumatic situation. When our daughter died, there were specific things that had to be done. Notify relatives, donate organs, arrange a funeral, collect her belongings... and with endless tears, hold Ferne close, cook the meals, pay bills, and through blurring eyes, write my logs.
Stoics care like everyone else, but solid reactions helps others cope too.

2025/11/09 When either of us have must do appointments, we negotiate the stairs together, mount into the pickup together, and go to the doctor, dentist, bank, funeral, or voting station together.
After, we enjoy a leisure drive back home wondering through New Hampshire's back roads. Beautiful leaves gone now, and no snow yet, but when it turns cold, we'll still take the long route and stay cozy in the warm truck.

2025/11/11 We have contracted to have the front walk and wall made into a wheelchair ramp. The original walk steps have kept Ferne primarily house bound for months. Last weekend and today we have been watching the workers, through the doorbell cam, demolish the old and replace with new modern bricks.
23 years ago I built that wall one concrete block at a time. 475 plus 4 huge slabs of slate. But I shed no tears to see a truck haul it away.
We sit watching, drinking coffee, holding hands, and planning to restart all the normal things we used to do before she needed the wheelchair. With the ramp we will be free again.

2025/11/13 We added lights to the walk contract, and when I showed Ferne a photo of what they've done so far, there were lights in her eyes.
There was noise on the doorbell cam all day so we couldn't watch the work. Instead, I dug out some old 45s and played stuff from 1956-65. The scratches were bad, but the memories were precious.

2025/11/14 I do not consider caring for Ferne as a burden. But Ferne is frequently sad and/or embarrassed that she needs help to do some rather personal things (walking, toilet, teeth, picking out clothes).
She still knits, talks on the phone, watches TV, and eats without help. I encourage her to play the piano and read. But she would rather sleep (12-14 hours/day) and be insomniac at night.
I'd be happy to be nocturnal because I can write at night and the spam phone calls are less (phone off by day). The local daily news is so disappointing and I wouldn't miss it.
But, would that be too reclusive?

2025/11/15 The new lights along the walk are bright and functional. They are sort of hidden from some of the street but they illuminate the path to the door great. I didn't "want" it to be decorative, but it sure changes the front entrance.
The old walls held back real sandy soil. Not much would grow there, accept a few hardy strawberry plants. When the walls I made were removed, the foreman saved me one stringy little plant. I wrapped it in plastic and put it in the cold garage.
The new walls have to be backfilled with loam for the gardens. I have tons of leaf compost to use and can't wait for spring so I can revive that heirloom strawberry.

2025/11/16 We christened the ramp today. I took Ferne down the walk in her wheelchair and went food shopping at Market Basket. Also, when we returned, back up to the front door. The Slope is perfect, easy, and her breaks held great when we stopped midway.
I'm concerned the chair's thin wheel treads are too much of a concentrated load on the pavers, without the grout holding them in place yet, they might tip. I checked them after and didn't see anything out of place though. But, I won't do it again until the grout is set (maybe tomorrow).
The trip and shopping were a welcome return to a bit of normalcy.