Mental Health and Wellness

Struggling with the New Year's hype? Reframe it.

For many of us, January isn't a fresh start as much as it is a confrontation. The New Year can just feel so heavy, it's enough to make a human want to hide in a cave for 12 months. But I present for your consideration the notion that if the New Year feels overwhelming, something is working normally inside your head. In effect, the New Year isn’t just a calendar change; it’s a psychological mirror. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Behold: The “fresh start” effect

Temporal landmarks of any kind often spur self-reflection. For example, when you wake up on your birthday, do you think back on past birthdays and how you've changed? When you wake up on New Year's Day, do you think back on what you have and haven't accomplished over the past year?
It’s great to take stock of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors; however, that self-reflection can turn into self-criticism. Keep in mind that the calendar changes way more easily than habits. Just because it happens to be the first day of January doesn't mean that you should now be the best, goal-achieving version of yourself.

Social comparison often intensifies in January

Oh God, social media in December and January is a cesspool of highlight reel culture. Even if you try to avoid it, you’ll likely be hit by narratives of productivity, resolution announcements, and toxic positivity. You could defend this by noting that scientists say sharing our goals makes it more likely we’ll work on them  , and you wouldn’t be wrong. But firstly, this isn’t true for everyone. And secondly, I’m not so sure many of those goal-sharers are doing it for the productivity. I suspect many just want to make themselves look like they’ve got their stuff together better than everyone else. Of course, I’ve been known to be cynical, so take that speculation with a grain of salt. But I do think it’s reasonable to say that all that exposure to everyone else’s success can lead to self-comparison. And comparison doesn’t just steal joy, it distorts our sense of what’s reasonable.

Being motivated makes you a better person, right?

If this were true, I would’ve been ostracized by my friends and loved ones a long time ago. Let’s face it: motivation is often portrayed as a personality trait. Motivated people are go-getters with self-discipline that sets them apart from the rest of us. They’re the people who make things happen and make the world a better place. If you’re not like that person, you’re lazy and really need to fix yourself. Of course, in reality, the narrative is a myth. One can be highly motivated and be a monster. Or feel zero motivation and be one of the best people ever. Your level of motivation doesn’t define you as a human, so try to remove the self-identification. Instead of saying “I’m unmotivated,” try “I feel unmotivated right now.” Big difference.


What actually helps?

Should you abandon the concept of the New Year’s resolution? Maybe. But setting resolutions can be a really good thing when done with self-empathy. So how do you go about it and succeed? That depends on a lot of factors.

I’m sure you’ve already heard of SMART goals. If not, here’s an article I may have written for BetterHelp  (I can neither confirm nor deny due to permission constraints) that explains what they are, why they’re helpful, and how to use them. But this isn’t about tricks for setting goals, it's about rethinking how you approach the New Year to make positive change on your own terms.

Figure out what you really want

If the things we want aren’t aligned with what’s important to us, one could argue that we don’t really want them in the first place–we just think we do. For example, it’s a common cliche for people to resolve to get fit in the new year so they’ll look hot while lounging by the pool. It may be tempting to jump on that train, but is it what you really want? What if you don’t feel the need to turn heads because you’re too busy to care about that kind of attention? Or because you already get that attention from a significant other who thinks you’re hot just as you are?

I think getting fit is an outstanding goal; by all means, please pursue it. But diving in without making it relevant to your life probably won’t get you too far. Instead, it might help to think about how you want exercise to serve you. Instead of setting the goal of exercising five days a week to change how you look in the mirror, think of it as a way to spoil yourself that can be just as satisfying as getting a fabulous new haircut. Or think of it as a way to cultivate more energy so you can be there more fully for the people you love. Whatever the goal is, be honest with yourself and set the intention from there.

Lower your activation energy

In chemistry and physics, activation energy is the minimum energy needed to initiate a chemical reaction. Want to roll a ball over a hill? Activation energy is the force necessary to push it to the top, but the amount of energy you want to expend to make that happen is ultimately up to you. The same is true for attaining all types of goals. The neuroscience of resistance shows that the brain forms neural pathways to minimize the activation energy required to make things happen as easily as possible. That might be useful for day-to-day functioning in the status quo, but it can be tough to break those patterns when we want to achieve a goal that falls outside our comfort zone. To make sustainable change, adjust your activation energy to a level your poor, overworked, nervous system can tolerate.

Track your effort, not outcomes

One of the most useful things I’ve ever heard is when my friend’s therapist told her to stop “shoulding” on herself.
Honestly, “I should get up at a decent time and go to the gym in the morning” or “I should get started on cleaning my filthy house” are terrible motivators, particularly for people with anxiety or who’ve been burned by “failure” before. So do what you can and work from there. For example, instead of beating yourself up because you "should" get started on deep cleaning your house, just wipe down the bathroom counter after you brush your teeth. The instant gratification of a tidy bathroom counter feels good. So good, in fact, that it might motivate you to deal with the toilet while you’re in there. If not, no biggie. You made an effort, and that’s what counts. The point is, tiny actions can give you a sense of accomplishment that creates a platform for change.

Self-compassion before discipline

I think everyone can agree that “no pain, no gain” might work when we’ve got a personal trainer with a pitchfork to our backs, but it’s a highly ineffective concept in every single other scenario. We don’t become disciplined by punishing ourselves. We cultivate discipline by feeling safe enough to try again. Self-compassion shouldn’t be used as a reward for success. It’s non-negotiable for real, lasting change.


Wrapping up with some questions to ponder

I hope this all makes sense. If not, it might help to frame your goals and motivations around a question. No pressure, just a few things to consider. Answer in your own time:

• What helped me survive last year? (Even if it wasn’t pretty)
• What am I tired of forcing myself to do?
• Where do I want less pressure — not more effort?
• What would “enough” look like this year?
• What parts of myself do I want to protect?

Remember–you don’t need to reinvent yourself to make headway. Bring your whole, beautiful, imperfect self into this year and let change happen at your own pace. Thanks for reading, and may your New Year be filled with champagne (if you indulge) and success!

Cheers,
Laura 🍸