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Help Less

An unusual source for me, Self, brought to my attention by Elisa the Bunny Stik :

     5 Signs You Have ‘Toxic Independence’  
Healthy self-sufficiency is a choice. Toxic independence is survival.

Up front, the "toxic" label bugs me, because I feel like it's starting to creep into everything. I suppose that's fair, as actual toxic substances are creeping into everything.

You’re going through something big, but you don’t speak up.

Speak up to whom, exactly? My cats?

You’re exhausted, but you white-knuckle through the day.

Nah, I give up and go take a nap.

Your friends offer help, but you brush it off.

My cats are always offering to help, especially with typing. I brush them off. Well, I gently pick them up and pet them and set them softly on the floor, but still.

If this sounds familiar, you probably pride yourself for being self-sufficient and always tending to your own needs.

I'm being a little unfair up there. I do have friends. Some of them are even human. Most are long-distance, though, and the ones who aren't don't need to hear me kvetching about every little thing.

I did, however, have self-sufficiency beat into me as a kid. Sometimes literally.

But when you make a conscious choice to remain an island—sometimes even choosing to sink rather than seeking out help—you’re practicing an extreme form of self-reliance known as toxic independence.

So, that ain't me. I do seek help when I need to, even if I have to pay for it.

(Before you make the joke, no, I don't hire sex workers.)

While not an official classification in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM),...

That doesn't necessarily make it wrong, but if you're trying to get professional help for it, you might have a hard time finding a shrink who- wait, if you have it, you're not seeking help of any kind, so it's a moot point.

...the trait could still have some undesired effects on your mental and emotional well-being.

Asking for help all the damn time does, too. As usual, the proper, approved state is somewhere in the middle.

There’s a clear distinction between healthy self-sufficiency and toxic independence, says Yasmine Saad, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and CEO of Madison Park Psychological Services in New York City.

Okay, but can I just take a moment to snicker at the name Saad for a psychologist?

The former allows the freedom to balance taking care of yourself and relying on others—without any hang-ups if you choose to do so—while the latter involves valuing self-reliance at any cost and an aversion to seeking outside help. “Healthy self-sufficiency is a choice, [whereas] toxic independence is a survival strategy,” says Dr. Saad.

I'm still not clear on the difference. Isn't "valuing self reliance at any cost" a choice? Sure, I can accept that it's influenced by genetic or environmental factors, but aren't all of what we consider "choices?"

Toxic independence can also manifest later in life as “a reaction to a belief or a past hurt related to relationships,” Dr. Saad says. Perhaps you were cheated on; as a result, you might avoid relationships because being single feels safer.

I do not like being personally attacked.

Here are a few telltale signs that your independent streak veers into toxic territory.

I'm sure we can collectively figure out a few more.

1. You never ask for help.

If even the thought of asking for help makes you itch, toxic independence is likely at play.

There are certain itches, like between one's shoulder blades, that are hard to deal with without help.

This can be extended metaphorically.

2. You see dependence as weakness.

Perhaps you look down upon people who ask lots of questions, rely heavily on their significant other, or have no problem asking for a favor.

I distrust anything that someone calls "weakness." I keep hearing "Sleep is for the weak," which always boils my buttocks.

3. You feel isolated.

As wonderful as independence is, toxic independence can have serious repercussions on your relationships and livelihood. “It erodes intimacy because deep connection is built through vulnerability, trust, and interdependence,” says Winkler.

Or maybe you're isolated because you're an asshole.

Not "you," the reader, of course. You are kind, intelligent, perspicacious, and attractive. But the generic "you."

4. You crave control and mistrust others.

No matter whether you’re dealing with a group project or organizing a girls’ trip, you feel like you’re the only person who could possibly get the job done.

I'm fairly certain that if I tried to organize a girls' trip, people would wonder what my motivations are, and I'd probably be questioned by the po-lice.

5. You feel the need to protect yourself at all costs.

According to Dr. Saad, protection is at the core of toxic independence. This makes you operate from a place of fear of the worst-case scenario rather than having safety and trust in others.

In fairness, expecting the worst-case scenario means you can rarely be disappointed.

The article continues with some tips for people who fit that profile. But I expect the tips count as "help," so how many people who need to will heed it?

In any case, my personal take is that, while I'm not going to dismiss the idea that someone can be too independent and self-sufficient, I always look at articles like this with some degree of skepticism. The basic format: "There might be something wrong with you. Do you fit this profile? Then here's something that will help!" is very similar to advertising techniques, and advertising gives me hives (metaphorically).

But this time, it doesn't feel like they're selling a product. Yes, Dr. Saad's (still chuckling here) psych practice is noted, but the article's audience extends to the world, not just NYC (however much NYCers believe that they are the entire world, they are not). Perhaps it's a general promotion of psychology, which I also have mixed feelings about, and I'll try to articulate why:

The practice of clinical psychology exists to try to "fix" people, in a sense. It's just good marketing, therefore, to convince people that they are broken and need to see a shrink. I'm not saying shrinks are worthless, mind you, though I do accept that results vary. It's just that when you see stuff like this, basically asking "Are you broken?" it pays to examine the article through the lens of: "Am I really broken or are you just promoting shrinkage?"

In this case, I can see how what they're calling "toxic independence" can be a problem for some people. But you know how when you have a hangnail and you look it up online and they tell you if you don't get it treated immediately, you could die? It's like that. I guess what I'm advocating for, here, is to watch out for signs of that particular marketing technique, and ask what the motivation is for posting stuff. Maybe they're legitimately trying to help people. But maybe they're trying to sell a product or service. It's also possible to do both; not all products or services are wastes of money.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well, here, which is always frustrating for me as a writer. Maybe if I asked for help...