Memoir ideas

Triangulation betwen family (and friends)

Triangulation is exactly what went on in my family between my parents and me. I was the third party that dealt with the he said, she said -- she's a bitch -- He's a jerk...

There was no rhyme or reason for putting me in the middle but I was gullible so they did what they did. I lost out on the whole deal and could not speak my mind because I was only between the ages of 5 and 10 and children were to be seen as perfect but never heard.

Although I rebelled tremendously and probably could be heard by many of the neighbors when I threw a tantrum my Mom was determined to try and present her little family as the perfect single parent family -- if there really is such a thing... One has to wonder.

I came to the point that even though I loved my visits with my Dad I hated them at the same time. How could this be you may ask?

Well !! That is simple to answer. Bfore I left my Mom would give me a list of things to ask my Dad and what to do and what not to do. Sometimes these lists were written but most of the time I just had them in my head. Dad, is not supposed to get my haircut. He is to give me the child support check. He is not to...But he can...the list would grow longer and longer and sometimes it came to a point that I would almost collapse and cry before I even met up with my Dad. It was the same way coming home from my visits with my Dad...She is to buy me and my sister new clothes. She is not to take us out to dinner at night... And please give this note to your mother...etc etc... Then, I would have another breakdown upon arriving home from my visit.

All of this was very painful and nerve wracking. It is not hard for a psychiatrist to realize now why I have so much problems with boundaries and dysthymia. I have been diagnosed with borderline-personality disorder on top of my dysthmia depressive episodes that have a recurring secuidal tendencies to go along with it all. Luckily, the medication I am on now helps stabilize my mood swings and the most severe of the suicidal episodes. If I were not on medication now I am sure that I would have been dead around the summer of 1999. Luckily a friend saved my ass by hearing my cries for help.

I am now in the process of setting good/safe boundaries that work for myself and those around me. The boundaries have really helped me define where I start and my family ends in terms of how far is too far for them to interfer into my daily life. This goes for both my friends and family whom have butt their heads in one to many times during this long process of really finding myself and who I am as an individual.

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I am more myself in solitude. For in solitude I am myself.
-(c)Melia Benjamin, August 2000

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