My thoughts on everything from albacore tuna to zebras
|This is an automated response from the Desk of Joe Umholtz. Joe is no longer capable of replying because almost all of his mental capabilities, (few, at best, to start with) have disintegrated into a oozy mess somewhat resembling reconstituted Kool-Aid. Therefore, I (his desk) have deemed it necessary to take over. I suggest if you wish to communicate directly with Joe, that you contact him at the Home For The Not So Mildly Bewildered (HFTNSB). Joe is very comfortable in his residence there and may never leave as long as they let him play with the rubber bands. (no paper clips, you could poke an eye out with those things.) The staff of HFTNSB feels that in time Joe's drooling and constant scratching may actually cease but they are not so sure about his eyes rolling back into place. I must ask you, that if you intend to communicate with Joe (aka his desk) by email that you please proofread each piece of correspondence for any obvious connection to the space-time continuum or the theory of relativity. These particular topics are very difficult for Joe to handle at the moment and are thought to be one of the reasons behind the eye rolling. An example is listed below:
"Although the CBTS Stormwater Workgroup has been meeting periodically since February 2007"
This obvious reference to time travel has caused HFTNSB to up Joe's medication and most of the glazed donuts at the nursing station to disappear. Those in the know feel it was some sort of time wave that caught the donuts, despite the glazed sugar in Joe's beard.
If you wish to directly contact Joe, please be aware that he has taken to speaking in tongues, none of which appear to be any known language. He keeps muttering something that sounds like "5 acres" and "beam me up". The most often uttered intelligible phrase involves something he refers to as "my precious".
If you intend to visit I suggest bringing copious amounts of Yoo-Hoo and donuts as it appears these offerings please Joe and have a calming and sedative like affect.
We thank you for your interest in Joe's health and rest assured that in no time at all Joe will be as good as he was in August of 2012.